Nitro Mop Up ... by Chris Hyatte

Read the Mop-Up Raw first...1/7/99 Mop-Up Nitro Okay, so...by the time you're reading this you pretty much know what went down. Hogan's back, Hogan's champ, the Outsiders are back, Bischoff is back in the Announce booth, and......oh right.....Tony said something that pissed off just about everyone. WCW spent the first Nitro of 1999 at the Georgia Dome, where all the big developments go down. This was their biggest bid to reclaim the ratings throne.....throwing all their heavyweights into the soup in hopes that the audience will drink it straight down and beg for more. THIS is Nitro....THIS is WCW.....and they have a NEW ATTITUDE BABY!!!! FROM HERE ON OUT..THE FANS COME FIRST!!!!!!!! HOGAN HAS CHANGED HIS WAYS AND WILL PUT THE GOOD OF THE COMPNAY AHEAD OF HIS OWN IDEAS!!!!!!!! THE ERA OF THE NEW HULK HAS BEGUN!!!!!! Look for Horace and the Disciple to become tag champs....because they DESERVE it...not because of who they know. NITRO: (or: Meryl Streep must have been busy) -opens with a stirring retelling of the recent doings between Nash and Goldberg. Set to dramatic music designed to enthrall the imagination, hyper start the heart beats, and thrill the very soul. It made me fart. -Tony Schiavone welcomes us to the Georgia Dome in Atlanta GA. He takes great delight in reminding us that this is the first Nitro in 1999.....where everything changes and that...that...that.....SMUT over on USA will soon take it's rightful place BEHIND Nitro as the leaders of professional wrestling. 1999 will be the year everything falls back into place GODAMMIT!!!! -The Nitro Girls are there too.....they are the REAL reason Nitro loses every week you know. -Tenay actually can't remember a time when Goldberg was a CHALLENGER for the World Title....hasn't he been champ since....the ICE AGE??? -Geeze, Tony is so pumped up about WCW Nitro in 1999. It's almost as if he thought they actually WON'T go back to the normal crap by next week. -Oh joy.....some rubes who put together the most expensive Nitro Party video were having a party in one of the Luxury Boxes. WCW's "very own" Jimmy Baron" (who the fu** is he? Another blank faced, nondescript, guileless, soulless, void of a man with a deep enough voice? WE MISS YOU LEE MARSHALL!!!!! -Aren't these yokels a bit OLD to be marking out for Goldberg like this? I haven't seen so many receding hair lines since I crashed Shane's wedding a few years ago. (By the time I got there, a drunk Patterson already had the little Groom figure from the Wedding Cake buried deep in very rude place. -No girls by the way.... -So...how do you think they kicked off the FIRST NITRO OF 1999...WHERE THE RULES HAVE CHANGED AND NOW..THEY ARE GOING RIGHT FOR THE WWF WITH THE STARS, THE ACTION, THE ACTION PACKED DRAMA THAT WE ALL NEED TO SEE?????????? -Why...they send out Glacier of course....it IS the first hour after all. -Question:...How do you know that Hogan is back in the building? -Answer: Why, the give Jimmy Hart airtime of course. Jimmy brings out Hugh Morrus, who now sports a totally shaved head. Tony begins the brand new push for this guy by calling him one of the most "dangerous" men in the world. Then he stated that WCW is where ALL the most Dangerous men in the world reside. Shamrock? He's a pussy! Severn? A little girl! Sabu? A homo! No...if you want to see ALL of the most DANGEROUS men EVER to walk this planet...then keep your buttons GLUED right here to Nitro...right here to TNT...RIGHT HERE TO THE FINEST CABLE CHANNEL TO EVER GRACE YOUR INSIGNIFICANT LITTLE TV SCREENS!!!!!!! -Then Tony paused.....I swear I thought I heard him take a looooong gulp from a flask. -Because it worked for Goldberg....and because it's working for Adam Bomb.....Hugh Morrus is now getting the "big, unstoppable monster" treatment....Jimmy Hart also took his pre-requisite bump....which used to tickle my Grandmother to no end in the 80's....of course, now she pees on herself 3 times a day. Coincidence? I'm not sure. -Tony, "WCW is BACK!!!!" Apparently, they were on vacation for much of 1998....and all we saw were some re-runs. -Larry Zbyszko went to wave at the fans, even though none of them were asking for it. Tony and Tenay were giddy about what the new "Man in Charge" of WCW (because they have no idea what title to give him for this gimmick), Ric Flair has to say. -a loooooong recap of last week's Flair/Bischoff drama.....of course, ANY recap of ANY angle involving Bischoff should be longer than "Titanic"....he's THAT popular. -opening theme...with new video shots!!!!! WOW, they really HAVE changed!!!!! It really IS a bold, new direction!!! -commercials -As "Mean" Gene Okerlund ambles towards the ring... -we see Arn Anderson in the lead the Flair family from outside straight into the ring. Reid Flair is there, showing off his ultra ballsy, way cool Guy Gardner haircut. Obviously, Reid understands that Guy Gardner is quite possibly the COOLEST MUTHAF**KING CHARACTER EVER CREATED IN COMIC BOOKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -Then DC comics butchered his character......rat jap Bastards. Kyle Rayner is a douchebag. GET GUY HIS GODDAM RING BACK!!!!!!! -Where the Hell is Bubbly anyway? Too cool to talk to the King, Keith??? Go F-Yourself....Ink Boy. -Reid Flair knows the score.....oh yes...Reid knows the score. -The other Flair kid (David?) was there too....Malenko was on crutches, Mongo was wearing a gaudy jacket, Benoit was there....and some blonde chick who was either Flair's wife or his daughter. -and walking behind them.....still just observing....and taking mental notes........was Dillenger. The Dark One has plans for 1999....I'd say more, but every time I do, my chest starts to hurt. -A mass of WCW Employees were on hand to give their new boss a round of applause as he walked by....how ridiculous. One of them produced a small girl with braces on her legs. Flair said, "Wrong wrestler, you dumb broad WHOOOO!!" Arn tried to push the young girl out of camera range...but her 50 pound frame was too much for him......Reid had to catch him before he passed out from the strain. -As Tony and the boys verbally fellated Flair and all he stands for...the troop made their way to the ring. Eventually, they made their way in and got underway. -Flair was in "kayfabe, yet not kayfabe" voice....first thanking the fans for their patronage, then openly sucking the ass of his bosses by calling WCW the "Greatest company on the whole planet......and everyone who watches the WWF are Commie bastards who should be shot in the nuts on site!" (He said it..I SWEAR!!!) -Then he "ordered" that Eric Bischoff come out.....and so he did. He was still dressed in his full "Gimmick" attire. Ballsy Okerlund scoffed at his wear, which is inappropriate since Geno hasn't bought a new suit since the Nixon Administration. -This kind of ran long...so I'll nutball it.... -Flair said that he wouldn't fire Bischoff, mostly because that would keep Eric off camera for at least a week. No, Flair made Bischoff go over to Tony Schiavone and work for him at the Announcing Booth. Tony immediately threw Tenay off the set and made a place for him. Meanwhile, viewers all over the world collectively reached for the mute button......Bischoff was back at the Announcer booth. Now all we need is Mongo and that damn dog. -Then, after a looooong video reminder of Eric firing him (again, if Bischoff is involved, then ALL video footage must go at least over 4 minutes), Flair brought out Randy Anderson and rehired him at double the salary. You know...if there were ANYBODY out there who actually REMEMBERED and/or CARED about this angle, that was started 2 years ago, then conveniently dropped.....I want you to go to your bathrooms....lift up the seat...pee in the bowl....drop the seat and poop in the bowl if you can...then lift the seat again...and promptly DUNK your stupid, loser, virgin, fat assed, HEADS into them you ridiculous, goofy, NITWITS....why on Earth would you care about this? Good Lord Allmighty -By the way, judging from his little gut, Pee Wee Anderson didn't miss any meals while he was unemployed. I heard he ate his kids. -Flair than thanked everyone for their help last week, especially Randy Savage....because even though he beat the crap out of his daddy and he has been Savage's mortal enemy since the dawn of time...yadda yadda yadda..... -Finally, Flair booked himself for "Souled Out" in a handicapped match against Barry Windham and Curt Hennig....the loser has to grow a mustache, put on camouflage, and call himself the "Stalker"......which pretty much seals the deal as to who's shoulder's will kiss the mat. -Then Flair's boy David (Ha! I knew it) opened his mouth and mumbled out something about being his Poppa's partner at Souled Out.....the TV audience groaned in unison. Flair was flattered, but also said no....the audience breathed a sign of relief. -Then Arn took the mic and said that David "knew what he was doing"......the audience shouted "DAMMIT ARN!!!!". Arn said that David is a pretty strong guy...and was even able to put HIM down during training sessions. No one bothered to point out there a strong puff of wind can knock Arn out nowadays. -So of course, Flair hugged his kid and said okay. Is it too early to order Souled Out now...just so I can call and CANCEL it in advance?????? -Tony bellowed about the NEW DAWN HERE AT WCW!!!!!! Then said that Van Hammer will be taking on the NWO's Vincent just as soon as we watch these action packed.... -commercials -It's that ridiculous K-Dog video...which also doubles as a commercial for a ridiculous K-Dog t-shirt. You street wise homies better order early...because the first 50 orders will receive a free "gat" so you can pop a cap in someone's ass....and yes, they DO accept stolen credit cards. -Booker T demanded that we all "raise the roof on this....err....suckaaa"......Meanwhile, WCW goes for the "comedic" approach with an uproarious skit that has Bischoff refusing to say a word all night, even though Tony kept trying desperately to get him involved with the Broadcast. Funny at first, but so long as they don't keep it up all night long....I'll be cool with it. -It's Atlanta...a HOTBED of racial sensitivities and strife. Where one wrong move can set off a rebellious riot unlike anything this Country has ever seen before. Booker T is taking on Emory (my face has NEVER felt the sun) Hale.........you tell ME who did the job? Suckaa. -commercials -The Nitro Girls are straddling and bending over chairs all in the name of dancing. One of them straddled the chair the wrong way and got....ummm....stuck. I'll let your imagination do the rest. -Bischoff is ignorong Tony....Larry tells him to "fire" him...Tony says that he can't...mostly because he is a gutless, nutless, PIG who is only about 10 IQ points over being legally classified as retarded. As of this moment, I STILL have dropped the bounty on him.....but something tells me, that may ALL change before this night is over. -Norman Smiley takes on Chavo Guererra...I am in no mood for Smiley's antics.....and Lord knows I'm sick of Chavo and his stupid Horse. -Tony part 1: "Now Eric, you'll hear a LOT of voices coming over the headsets telling you to say something even though you already said it...you have to be sure to say it anyway because lit is part of the job and WCW announcers are spineless jellyfish who simply refuse to do anything or say anything to anyone that could possibly be even ENTERTAINED as a hint of courage. Eric, we as WCW Announcers have absolutely no pride at all to speak of". -Tony part 2: "Fans, we are fast approaching the BIGGEST RETURN MATCH IN THE HISTORY OF NITRO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" -........................................... -..................................................... -................................................................ -.........................oh....sorry...I was just wondering if Tony's daughter still has her baby teeth. -commercials -Hey Kids..remember...THUNDER is still on the air!!!! -Do we still have a Thunder recapper? Or is he pulling a "Hyatte"? -Horace took on Benoit. This is an easy call.....Horace all they way over this jobber Benoit.....especially with Hogan in the building. -so of course, Benoit won...mostly because WCW is whacky whacky WHACKY. -Tony stops the hype midway to send us to the backstage for some completely unscripted, totally off the page antics.....thank GOD a camera man was there on the scene. -Goldberg is walking backstage. He shakes the hand of one cop, then RIPS his arm away from another one who tries to grab hold of it. The cop calmly tells him that they have a warrant for his arrest (ooooh...Austin was never arrested.....that PROVES that Goldberg isn't a rip off). I want to transcribe this......for obvious reasons... -Cop: "Goldberg, we have a warrant for your arrest!" -Bill: "You have a warrant for MY arrest?" -Cop: "Yes." -Bill: "You're kidding me!" -Cop: "No I am not kidding you." -Bill: "Whatever it is......whoever charged me with whatever it is, as I said...You know, Jack knows, everybody in this city knows, that I do nothing but POSITIVE things for this community! I do all the things for kids, I do positive things for fallen cops, I heal the sick, I part the seas, I sell Bischoff's ridiculous storylines, I feed Ethiopia with just one can of Tuna fish! So, you, and you and you...NOBODY here can take me in for something that I did not do! You got that? I don't care, because whatever it is...I'm innocent! Like I said, none of you guys can take me downtime for something I'm not guilty of! Not any of you, or collectively, ALL of you...you got that? I don't like being wrongly accused! So whatever it is, it's bogus, and it ain't true! Huh? I don't hear anything else! -Cop: "uhhh....I uh...have an arrest warrant for you Mr. Goldberg!" -Bill: "Oy vey! Can we cut to a commercial now?" -Then Goldberg challenged the cops to shoot him down...so he can rise again in 3 days and complete the cycle no doubt.... -it went on some more, but you get the gist. Umm...who writes this sh*t anyway? And did it ever occur to the writer to have Goldberg start off by ASKING the cop what the he was wanted for? Or was this just Bischoff's way of getting the word out that Goldberg was available for charity events and benefits? And might I add that it seemed to me that Goldberg seems to embrace violence as the way to handle things that he doesn't agree with...is that RE$ALLY a good message for children to hear? AND MAY I ALSO ADD THAT TO THREATEN COPS IN ANY WAY, SHAPE, OR FORM IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A WAY FOR POSITIVE ROLE MODELS TO BEHAVE!!!! -Basically, Goldberg is telling the kids to resist the Police at all costs...and even challenge them to draw their guns and shoot them in the faces. Parents, take note...your child's "hero" wants your kids to SPIT on the American Law Enforcement system. I am not even being funny....which is nothing new here, I'll admit. But I am being dead serious. -Oh yeah, didn't I read in my History books about something ALARMINGLY SIMILAR to this happening back in the (EDITED BY SCOOPS FOR EVERYONE'S PROTECTION. DON'T EVEN DREAM OF GOING THERE HYATTE, YOU MORON). -commercials -Oh Heckfire...Silverstein decides that he must show the children that the LAW is OUR FRIEND...so is allowing the fuzz to take him in......then Nash shows up to remind the cops that HE was head booker around here and HE decided that Goldberg needs to do another job tonight. Quicker than you can say, "Cheeze it...da' cops!"...Goldberg is whisked away. -Uh oh.....suddenly, the air thickens with the stink of horrible bookmaking.......oh...no wonder...Hogan is there...cackling that he had the Big Galoot put away because he is gosh darn just about the Prez already...and he exorcised a little "Executive Privilege".....someone welcome Goldberg to the Hogan Regime....someone call Spielberg....PRONTO!!!! -We are back inside.....where the ever so agey MISS ELIZABETH is screaming sexual assault. One dimwit cop forgot WHERE he was and WHEN he was and asked her how long she has been married to Davey Boy Smith. -Chris Jericho came out with Ralphus....umm....I forgot the last name I had christened him...... OH! wait a second...it was (EDITED BY SCOOPS.....YOU KNOW FULL WELL WHY) NOT biased. -Jericho had nothing to say..or maybe he did..I must admit, I was busy taking a pee. -Saturn came out to wage war. I gotta tell ya, my first reaction when I saw him come out was that this will be a hoot~n~nanny......my second reaction was to punch myself in the head for using the word "hoot~n~nanny". -Saturn slaps Jericho in the mush.....it either really hurt or Jericho sold his cute little tushy off.... -cute little tushy??? -Jericurl goes for his run em up and hose "em down dropkick off the ropes...and beat the crap out of a patch of air. Saturn felt the air's pain and went down in pain anyways. -so dramatic...so intense...so unbridled...so WCW was this match that we had no choice but to turn away from the athletic poetry and be rudely accosted by some "Whybotherbecausewe'llneverbuyorwatchit".... -commercials -Hey! Want to hear about a real moment of Zen? During the... -commercials.... -.....they showed a plug for Thunder coming to Providence at a certain date that I don't know because you will NEVER catch my ass there. No big deal right? -WRONG...because I then switched to RAW...where they showed the EXACT SAME COMMERCIAL PERFECTLY IN SYNCH WITH THE ONE OF TNT!!!!!! The odds of that happening are something like 1000 to one.....I considered myself lucky to be a witness to it. -Back to "le match"....touch and go, left and right, do or die....yadda yadda yadda and.... -The Ref calls for the Bell even before Jericho can get the Lion Tamer on Saturn.....he was a bit ticked because he took a kick to his nutsac by Jericho...yet thought that Saturn did it. Tony proceeded to lecture the ref and register his full disgust. Meanwhile, Bischoff still ain't saying sh*t and it's gone way past funny and now has entered "Annoying"....not that any of you with any sort of brains didn't see that coming a mile away. -WCW cameras takes you where NO OTHER CAMERA HAS EVER BEEN ALLOWED INTO BEFORE!!!!!!!!! -That's right......it's the NITRO GIRLS LOCKER ROOM!!!!! Why the Hell is Okerland in there? AND WHERE ARE HIS PANTS?????? -God DAMN.....Geno is packing quite the cannon......hmmm....slurp -OOOPS...WHOOOOHOHOOOOO.....forget about that.....never mind...familypagefamilypagefamilypage!!! -Christ on a Tortilla shell..where was SCOOPS editing when I needed it the most? -Anywhoo...they were in Goldberg's interrogation room. The official charge is "Aggravated Stalking"....of one Elizabeth Lebetski... -Goldberg, "She told me she was 19!!!!" -Cop, "No...it's the Artist currently known as Miss Elizabeth!!!!" -Goldberg, "I know...SHE TOLD ME SHE WAS 19!!!!!" -Cop, "Good Lord..has the "roids made you blind boy???" -Zbyszko pulls off a good one, "This is the fifth time she's tried to be a "miss'".....Poor Larry...so bitter...so bitter...he may be my hero. -backstage with Lizbeth...who's detailing all the spots where Goldberg had accosted her....including one rather rude encounter near a MENORA (sorry, I'm not Jewish...I don't know if it's spelled correctly. Apparently, Microsoft doesn't hire Jews either, because their Spellcheck is clueless too). It doesn't help the story that Lizzy can't wipe the smile off her face. -commercials...I think -It's an LWO Party.......which is the same as a Nitro Party...only this has more girls with big asses. Eddy lectures his homeboys on how lucky they are to be with him. I went to grab a glass of water (no more beer for a while...those holidays didn't work well with Hyatte's metabolism.....must spend a little time working the old gut back into decent shape). -It's a Four man Jam as Kidman and Rey Mysterio waged battle with Juventud Guerrera and Psychosis. Bobby Heenan joined the party and said that he would give his left nut for an invite to an LWO Party......who knew Heenan liked fat asses. -Heenan promptly joined Tony in the now torturous attempt to get Bischoff to talk...no joy. -The Team that didn't have the Gringo American Dog won....VIVA LA ME-HI-CO!!!!!!!! -Back to Goldberg.....being grilled by Atlanta's finest....was he just handcuffed? Or is my keen perception working it's usual Mojo? Anyway, witness as the grilling broke away from the Stalking charges and took a DISTURBING turn..... -Cop, "Where were you on the day of 0000 AD? -Goldberg, "I wasn't born yet genius!!" -Cop: "Really, then why do we have hieroglyphics of someone looking exactly like you walking around Rome during that time???" -Goldberg, "Can I have some water?" -Cop: "NO!!!! And tell us WHY this stone carving of you shows you carrying three rather large SPIKES???" -Goldberg, "NO, DAMMIT NO!!! Okay, I was around back then..but I SWEAR...I was in Detroit!!!" -Cop, "Would it surprise you that we have the thorny crown in the locker room?" -Goldberg, "Yes it would quite frankly.....who's writing this stuff again? -Cop: "And would it surprise you that there is BLOOD on the Crown of thorns??" -Goldberg, "Ummm...no....it did go on someone's head you know." -Cop: "The BLOOD IS YOURS MR. GOLDBERG!!!! YOU DNA IS ALL OVER THE CROWN!!!" -Goldberg: "ALRIGHT DAMN YOU!!!! IT WAS ME..IT WAS ME...I DID IT I KILLED (EDITED BY SCOOPS....OH JUST TAKE A WILD FRIGGIN' GUESS WHY!!!!) -commercials (and not a moment too soon) -Mean Gene brings out Kevin Nash. Short and sweet...since Hogan tried to wreck his rematch with Goldberg.....why doesn't he step up and take on the Big Daddy......f-it...we can use the ratings. -Nash DID point out that this stupid angle with GB getting arrested and Liz pointing the finger was almost completely written by Hogan. -Flair came out and made it happen......also quickly pointing out that WCW is the "Greatest Wrestling Organization in the World". -video thingy involving....oh just go to the top of the Nitro Mop-Up and re-read it..it's the same thing. -The cops were still talking to Elizabeth. After some heavy duty overacting that would make Bill Shatner say, "Damn girl! sometimes less is more!" and some horrible writing.....we are all led away from this silliness. -commercials Chris Hyatte
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