Raw Mop Up ... by Chris Hyatte

What day is this anyway? Sunday?...1/7/99 Mop-Up RAW (No Letter here this week, because I'm going to try something new in the middle of the Nitro Mop-Up that I'm sure everyone else will start doing in a few weeks) Yeah kids, I'm Chris and this is the Mop-Up.......it may be sophomoric bullsh*t....but it's the most ripped off sophomoric bullsh*t on the Web. Usually, I am only half serious when I say stuff like that....but lately......lately.......sigh. Okay, lots of stuff to get to.....so off we go.... The editing controversy continues.....sort of. It occurred to me that I may have not made myself perfectly clear last week in these matters, so I thought I would dedicate this week's closer to the whole subject and try to make sure EVERYBODY understands what is going on....and I do mean EVERYBODY. Keep in mind, I'm not necessarily pissed about being edited.....not really.....just so long as we....ah, y'see, if I get going now I'll never be able to stop. It's all in the closer, so go there if this has any interest to you at all. It's funny......I spend months ragging on certain Web Guys for their "bias" towards one company (Gee, I hope this is general enough to make it in print), now suddenly, EVERYONE is ragging on him......and they say nobody pays any attention to me...HA! These nitwits live and breath on my words......then refuse to even mention my name in fear of my wrath....BECAUSE I AM KING SH*T OF TURD MOUNTAIN BABY!!!!!!!!!!!! In case you didn't notice...I haven't been laid in over a month. I just would like to say that should SCOOPS ever start selling "Mop-Up" T-shirts (and I had DAMN WELL get a piece of that action...because I have trademarked the name and will sue yer arses if you try to stiff me), I WILL autograph the shirts for free.....but I will also berate your homo ass for wanting the autograph of a Web Guy......what's the matter with you anyway? Get a life, ya dinkwads (yes, I spelled that exactly as I wanted to). And by the way, why ISN'T there any Mop-Up shirts? I'm thinking black golf shirts with a small Mop and Bucket symbol over the left nipple? 100% cotton? Classy, summery, cool. Something the marks can wear without feeling like a geek? Get to it, SCOOPS...because it's probably the only possible web site shirt that people would actually think about buying. (Sorry, but I just don't see those "CRZ IS FOR ME" shirts setting the world on fire). Note to Delta House: Remember, send the ECW PPV recap to ME!! and I'll send it in. Finally, in a totally non-wrestling related vein, that dude from "Dawson's Creek", James Van Der Beek.....am I the only guy who noticed his deformed head? His face is normal, but then his head just balloons out....it's freaky man, totally freaky. Okay cow tippers, it's time to tip the cows of Monday night. Big, big BIG night was scheduled for tonight.....Nitro was at the Georgia Dome and Mankind became a champ....meanwhile, I'm at home....seething with bile and staring at the walls......friggin' 99 is going to be just as bad as friggin' 98....Y2K better get it's ass moving...I wanna see planes dropping from the sky like birdcrap....and Satellites too....and space stations.....it's high time we had some chaos around here.....a little world ending destruction....oh that would be sweet...so sweet.... RAW IS WAR (or WOW....I had no idea....) -NOTE!! Well, I was so enthralled with the sight of Goldberg standing up to those hard working, low paid, honest, decent, upstanding, Nazi pig COPS who deserve to be assaulted and executed for having DARED ask Goldberg to come down to the station with them......that I was late in switching to RAW again. Not VERY late, just BARELY late....basically, I hardly missed anything.... -opens (for me) with a video package dealing with the beautiful father/son relationship between Shawn Michaels and Vincent K. McMahon....UI was especially moved by the clip of Vince and Shawn throwing darts at a picture of Bret Hart and laughing -"STOP THE DAMN VIDEO!!! STOP THAT VIDEO DAMMIT!!!" shouteth the Mighty McRug....who came down the ramp with his entire posse to set the stage for the night's activities. The Rock was there, Shane was there. Kane was there, Shamrock was there, Bossman was there. Brisco was there, Test was there, Kane was there, and bringing up the rear, and loving every minute of it..was none other than Patrick "Bono" McPatterson....bouncing down the runway with the spirit of an 18 year old...and the body of a 21 year old.....(stashedinhislockerroom). -After listening to a healthy chant of "ASSHOLE"......Vince informed the crowd that Shawn Michaels is effectively GONE from the WWF, and advised them that their faces will turn blue and they will experience black out should they decide to hold their breath in anticipation of HBK's arrival. Then Patterson grabbed the mic and said that he had an alternative to holding their.........oh forget it. -The deal here is/was that during Vince's speech, Brisco had taped a plug for Brisco's Body Shop onto Kane's back....and while his back was turned, Patterson was tapping on one cheek with his fist and bobbing the other cheek from the inside with his tongue. He was also staring openly at Kane's ass. I swear to God..I think Pat is having a breakdown right before our very eyes. -Vince continued to badmouth Shawn, pretty much promising to make ANYONE who helped traumatize his son Shane the other week pay for that crime...which of course led to.... -Shawn showing up on the TitanTron, seen walking towards the entranceway. Vince started to tell his boys that he wanted Shawn "dismantled, destroyed"...then he went to Shamrock and ordered him to "break Shawn's bones"....to which Patterson bounced up and down and said, "Break his BONE??? Oh, can I do that Vince?? can I please? Please?? PLEASE??? I AM the Huckleberry for THAT job!!!!" -Shawn came out with mic in hand...of course...he was soon joined by the entire DX lineup....Kole screamed, "THEY'RE BACK!!! THEY'RE BACK!!! SHAWN MICHAELS IS BACK TOGETHER WITH DX!!!!! OH HOW THE HEAVENS ARE CRYING WITH JOY TONIGHT!!!!! -Then Shawn told Vince that Vince could NOT fire him...for reasons so absurd, you would have thought Bischoff came up with them.... -Moving along, Shawn told Vince that since he had full Presidential power (rat bastard...HOW DARE HE BLATANTLY RUIP OFF RIC FLAIR AND RODDY PIPER LIKE THAT!!!!!!!) over ALL of the WWF Superstars (exceptforSteveAustin)....yadda yadda yadda..... -Vince was bumped from being #30 on the Royal Rumble list to being #2....right in there with Austin....ironically enough, Vince's rug still gets slot #30...so it may be the darkhorse favorite......bet the house. -Shawn ended it by promising a "Stone Cold" surprise for Vince sometime within the next two hours....possibly right around the time that Jewish fellow in WCW (The HJIC?) will be Spearing somebody's ass into orbit. -The segment ended with Shawn hugging everyone around him........nobody else in DX had a chance to speak...which shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone.....not even you dumbasses. -Kole and Lawler feverishly talk up the night.....hoping against hope that we all forget that we all forget about those homos at the Georgia Dome. -commercials -Ken Shamrock comes out looking like he just saw the alternative ending to "Rocky III" where Stallone was "Pattersoned" by Mr. T after being knocked out in the first round of their second fight. Steve (Ralph Macchio is a pussy) Blackman came out to wage battle. -It didn't take long for Dan Severn to come out, still sporting his neckbrace. His Mustache had an IV tube inserted into it to give it plenty of fluids. He circled the ring, just looking at Shamrock. Kenny finally saw him and stared at him a bit. Eventually, Severn had to climb to the apron and say something. Shamrock scowled over to him as Severn opened his mouth and shouted.... "In the land where Horses born with Eagle wings! And Honey Bees have lost their sting! There's singing forever! Lion's den with fallow Deer! Boy that Patterson is a queer! Flow on and on forever! Dragon's fly like Sparrows through the air! And baby Lamb's where Samson dares! To go on on on on on on! My Fairy king can see things! He rules the air and turns the tides! That are not there for you and me! Ooh yeah he guides the winds!!!" -Shamrock starred at the triumphant Severn, cocked his head sideways slightly, then said, "Did you just call me a FAG??? Hey man, I AIN'T no HOMO!!!!" -then Blackman rolled Shamrock up and called it a night. The title wasn't up of course.....so Kenny stayed a champ. -WOW...Vince and the Rock are on this month's cover of Southwest Airlines "Spirit" Magazine......Austin gets into Rolling Stone and the Rock has to share the cover of an airplane magazine with the MAN!! THANK GOD TEDDY LONG IS HERE TO FIANLLY STRAIGHTEN OUT THESE RASCIST BASTARDS!!!!! -commercials -Backstage, we see Billy Gunn and Ken Shamrock fighting for the IC belt.....feel free to make any Patterson wearing nothing but the IC belt around his waist comment and put it right here. -Mankind comes to the ring....we are shown footage from last week where he grabbed Patterson by his nutsack and how Pat BEGGED him to.......awww too bad, I'm fresh out of page....SEE YOU NEXT WEEK WRESTLING FANS!!!! Chris Hyatte
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