Raw Mop Up ... by Chris Hyatte
No wait...is this Saturday?...1/7/98
Mop-Up RAW (cont)
-previously, in the Mop-Up:
-Mankind comes to the ring....we are shown footage from last week where he grabbed Patterson by his nutsack and how Pat BEGGED him to.......
-and now...the conclusion
-......make like a transmission and SHIFT dammit!!! Shift!!!
-Mankind grabbed the mic and admitted that this was the first time he grabbed a man's testicles in his life......(excuse me..but wasn't he in ECW for a looong time?? With RAVEN??? AND HEYMAN???????? Oh...methinks Mick doth protest too mucheth)
-Then he confided to Patterson that he actually enjoyed it...in a "rugged, manly kind of way!!".......
-In lieu of a silly JOKE...I thought I would delight you all with a little CARNAC!!!! Away we go...
-I hold in my hand one envelope! A Child of four can see that it is hermetically sealed! It has been kept locked in an airtight jar on Funk & Wagnel's Porch since 3.pm this afternoon...NO ONE knows what's inside this envelope! But you, by using your mystical powers, will ascertain the answers within the envelope by using the powers of your mind! Are you ready CARNAC?
-I am ready...may I have the first envelope?
-The first envelope!
-I must have absolute silence as I concentrate!
-That usually isn't a problem oh great one.
-You drunk old Marine.
-Hoo hoo hoo
- A Fine Restaurant, a Warehouse, and Pat Patterson!
- A Fine Restaurant, a Warehouse, and Pat Patterson!
-*rip* *poof*
-Name 3 things that take their deliveries in the rear!!
-HAHAHAHAAAAHAHAHAAAA HIIYOOOOOOOOO
-May your only son bookmark www.sabu.com!!!
-HIIIYOOOOOOOOO
-Thank you, thank you! Now would be the time I tell you that I'm here all week and that there is a two drink minimum but that C-Sucker Chud blatantly stole it from me because he is too much of a loser assface to come up with any sort of material on his own and it really pisses me off.
-Back to Mankind.....he also said that this was the first time he ever used the words, "Suck it" without a "please" in front....
-Then he said that he discovered a fondness for kicking the McMahon's asses.....so he would like a shot at the Rock's title at the PPV....I still can't figure out how he made that particular connection....although I did enjoy the line about how he made Shane "cry and whimper like a two year old with a poop in his pants".
-Line of the night...bar NONE... .."Can you say the word ASS on TV?"
-Eventually, out came Vincent K.......to quickly explain to Foley that he does NOT, will NOT, and can NOT EVER win the WWF title...mostly because he's pretty much the ugliest mutha in wrestling...and he's got that cottage cheese ass going.
-By the way....congrats to the dumb ass who brought the sign, "MANDKIND FOR PRESIDENT"....learn to spell jerkwad.
-The GOOD news is that Mankind will get to fight Triple H tonight, with the winner getting a slot in the Royal Rumble. I watched this and wondered...just how the HELL is he going to win the title tonight anyway? IS THIS ANOTHER WWF SWERVE TACTIC??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
-??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
-??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
-incidentally, Shane will be the guest ref for that match.
-Chyna is seen confabbing with someone.....it LOOKS like a girl anyway.
-commercials
-Mark Henry came to the ring to take on Goldust. Teddy Long was in the ring as the Ref. Call me nutso, but I swear I saw Long slip Henry a business card.....I'll have to do some sniffing around before I can comment further.
-GD and Henry go at it for a bit.....
-Then Chyna and her "friend" show up.....it still looks like a girl.
-Then Goldust winds up and cranks Henry in the sack...Teddy Long screams "WHITE PREDJUDICE!!!!!! RACIAL BIASNESS AGAINST THE SUPERIOR ENDOWMENT OF THE BLACK MAN!!!! FOUL...I SAY FOUL!!!!!!".....then he realized that he wasn't micked and no one could hear him...so he simply DQ'ed Goldust and picked up his paycheck.
-Meanwhile, Chyna and her.....umm...."friend" came to the ring....Chyna kissed Henry on the cheek, then ruined everything by speaking into a mic...her friend sashayed around the ring in a wiggly sort of way.....err....it WALKS like a girl.
-Chyna told Henry that the other night was "incredible".....but he was too much of a man for her....so.....
-Chyna's........akk......"friend" started to rub Henry's body...Chyna told him that "Sammi" wanted to help her "take a load off Henry's mind"......
-Henry promptly fainted.
-Final Analysis:
-Chyna......Undecided
-"Sammi".....Undecided
-Anyone who is turned on by this.......FAG!!!!!!!
-Hyatte......ALL MAN BABY!!!! But will admit to being......."curious"
-SCOOPS......So very tired of this shit.
-footage of Jesse Ventura's Inauguration Address....looks like the WWF is trying to pull heat off this...while WCW is staying totally hush hush.
-Plug for Jesse's new "Best of" video...which will probably drive Ventura straight to WCW.
-Anyone else curious as to which Monday night show holds a card in Minnesota first?
-commercials
-We see Dennis Knight in a dank basement somewhere chained up by his arms...asking for "somebody".......looks like it's time for another Patterson "Pep Talk" again.
-The Godfather comes out with his Hoes..then test came out.....then Val Venis came out....then it was a jam. I'd say more but I'm too jealous of all the poon these two studs must be getting.
-backstage we see HBK commiseratin' with DX......that odor you smell is the stench of FORESHADOWING!!!!
-commercials
-the Second hour rolls arrives just in time for...
-Shane McMahon to be in the ring in Ref wear.....he's ready for a rumble.
-Then Triple H comes out...he's hoping his knee doesn't crumble
-then Mankind comes out.....he likes the Tuna that ends with a "Bee" and starts with a "Bumble"
-I KNEW that would bomb the moment I started writing it.
-You know, Shane is a rather boyishly handsome man.
-So they fight, and fight, and fight some more....seen worse, seen better.
-Meanwhile, Hogan is back and he's boring everyone...only everyone has been conned into thinking that he's saying something really important this time......
-actually, I saw the ratings...nobody was fooled...Nitro was WASTED in the Nielsons. There's hope for you fanboys yet....
-Anywhoo...they continued on.....then Trip H pinned Foley. Shane performed the fastest count imaginable...and Mick was screwed again....alas.
-HHH grabbed the mic...apologized to Mankind for taking the win, but informing him that bizness is bizness and he is a slave to the all mighty script.
-Then he wished mankind a "Happy New Year", then gave Shane the Pedigree on his boyishly handsome face.....(ooooh dear....I suddenly feel.....so.....douchey).
-So, Shane was laid out and Triple H left, leaving Young McMahon to Foley's tender mercies....Foley said that he was going to show him a move he learned from someone somewhere.....I wasn't paying attention....
-Then he pout Shane in a pretty nasty submission move involving the shoulder. Shane screamed like a broad seeing me naked for the first time.
-Out comes Vince, Pat, and Brisco......Vince was screaming "LET HIM GO YOU SON OF A BITCH!!!!!!!!" Brisco was muttering, "This isn't the bathroom?!?" and Pat? Well...old Pat was....was....
-Oooh F-You.....leave Pat alone. He never harmed anyone. Unless "anyone" had a really tight (EDITED BY SCOOPS FOR YOUR PROTECTION....FOR GOD'S SAKES HYATTE!!) would only bleed for a week or so....take it from me ;)
-Basically, Mankind ransomed Shane's shoulder in exchange for a title shot tonight. A No DQ title shot.....Vince agreed, mostly because if he didn't, wrestling fans would be outraged at the bald face lie and RUN to Nitro next week.
-Mankind let Shane go.....Tony Schiavone came out and called this the "MOST HISTORIC WAY TO GET A TITLE MATCH IN THE HISTORY OF MONDAY NIGHT RAW!!!!!!"
-Then I found the remote under my seat cushion and switched channels back.....I must have shifted and clicked the button by accident.
-commercials
-footage of what we just saw...
-The Edge came out....
-D-Lo came out...we are reminded that he called Jacqueline and Terri a pair of "glorified ring rats".
-After a good, solid, 3 and change minutes of ring action...
-Terri and Jacqueline came out. Terri was holding her tummy to remind those who wisely hit the mute button and couldn't hear Kole say for the millionth time that she was pregnant. Terri climbed to the ring apron to give D-Lo and earful....
-D-Lo moved towards her....she backed up a step...
-and flopped down onto the apron....she hit the floor and started to scream. She was holding her tummy....D-Lo was....discombobulated..to say the least.
-The wrap Terri up in what looked like the Shroud of Turin (What the hell is that doing in Worcester? And how did the WWF get a hold of it?)
-commercials
-back to the girls..some Medical guy was checking out Terri's belly with a stethescope....he shook his head and quietly told her that he couldn't hear anything....Kole played dumb but it looks as if she had a miscarriage.
-okay..I thought we'd try something here.....a little game for the the new, improved, Edited Mop-Up.....Since I can't mention names for the time being...I thought I would put down 4 possible quotes from certain "other" web people concerning the angle we just saw....I will NOT give the names out.....because that would surely result in you know what.....so I will leave it up to YOU to decide who said what! There is no prize...no reward other than you folks seeing that I have all these guys PEGGED!. here is a few helpful hints.....A: They are all guys I have talked about before...B: They are all pretty big deals. C: NONE of them write for SCOOPS...and C: None of them is named "Al Isaacs"
-Here is a sample quote from someone who just saw this miscarriage angle and is commenting on it.... "Somewhere in the back...Ike Turner is saw Terri go down, lit up a Lucky, and started to cheer..."YEAH D-LO!!! JUST LIKE I SHOWED YA BOY!!! YOU MAKE ME PROUD SLICK..NOW KICK HER WHILE SHE'S DOWN LIKE THE MUTT SHE IS!!!"
-Of course...the answer is ME...Chris Hyatte! Got it? Good, let's go!
-WHO SAID THIS??
1) This is an OUTRAGE!!!! I am COMPLETELY DISGUSTED!!!! I hope Nitro WINS the ratings race and COMPLETELY HUMILIATES THE WWF AND THIS SMUT FOR ALL IT'S WORTH!!!!!
2) I am perplexed by the obstinate value of the subject matter concerning this base segment. So much so that it made me spit out my adult beverage. Of course, I cannot take any sort of stance because I simply have no spine. I must hold the proverbial candle in my window sill and patiently await the judgment of my peers on this particular handling of such a personal umbrage before voicing any sort of opinionated comment that I could call my own. Remember to visit the store below and always remember that I may be a total dweeb, but I am much smarter than anyone of you
3) I wonder what Meltzer has to say about this?
4) All this doesn't change the fact that SCOOPS sucks and it's constantly trying to throw me off the web! But we here will stay on and fight against the Corporate SCOOPS Empire.
-Who said it? You decide!!!
-Kane came to the ring. Shane and Vince made him beat the living crap out of Patterson and Brisco....you can figure out why. Pat offered Kane a cigarette....then offered him a condom............................
-...................................................
-................................................................
-.....there is nothing I can possibly say that would top that visual.....so I will simply leave it alone. I...I...I...I can't do anything with what I just saw.....I...I... I...I..never dreamed that they would.......and I may have had a hand in......ohhh...I have to go lie down for a few minutes.....I may have to....I won't know until I get there....
-commercials
-I come back in time to see Al Snow brawling with Road Dog for the Hardcore Title. It's a decent row...I honestly didn't think Jesse James had it in him.
-Lawler, "This is the type of action you'll get from the WWF, we're not going to just...walk and talk..like some other guys we know." I guess news of Tony's comments traveled fast! I guess Kole has Nitro on in the studio where they are dubbing the play by play.
-Snow and James take it all over the place..tables and chairs.....moonsaults onto tables.....it's a real scene, man.
-Things make their way into the backstage.....Snow takes a hose and hoses down Road Dog...then hits him with toilet paper (how the FU** is that supposed to hurt??)....then with a broom across the back...
-Then Doggy hit Snow with some potted plants.....thing about this kind of match is ...it'll really GROW ON YOU....Ba DUM DUMMM
-get it? grow?...plants? Patterson? grow? Ohhh go F yourselves....you try to do this....on time....every week.....dickheads.
-The match spills outside...into the Snow...you would figure that Snow would be in his element wouldn't you? Huh?? HUH???
-Christ....I better get the Hell out of here.....Road Dog piledrived Snow onto a wooden Palette and won the match....it probably was the best match of the night.....I am getting the Hell out of here before I bomb out any harder.
-Farooq and Bradshaw tossed Knight into a room...then shut the door and stood guard. pre-taped screams were heard.....I'd toss in the blatant Patterson joke here, but it's too blatant. I'd just like to remind you that Farooq is a former WCW World Champ AND a decorated alumni of some University in Florida......and Bradshaw is currently enjoying a four year contract. Kind of makes you weep doesn't it?
-commercials
-Shawn was out in the parking lot...oopsie..wrong key. He goes to the door to get the right one...it's locked...he knows that the set up is on....a voice calls out "Ohh Shaaaaaaaaaawwwwn"
-commercials
-back to Shawn he's now facefirst through a windshield.
-Footage of what went down..he turned around and the Corporation attacked in force....since Shawn's back is roughly in the same shape as my pecker after a visit from Z-Smooth.....the camera conveniently cuts away so we can't see 5 grown men standing around and grunting.
-Z-Smooth? Who the Hell is THAT?
-Good ol' Shawn....he was kind enough to juice away one last time before he goes aay for a few more months. he's loaded into an ambulance and taken away to a place where you get paid millions for faking a back injury (It's a work DAMMIT!!!!!)
-Oh Sweet Jesus...the end game begins. Mankind comes to the ring...DX follows him out for back up...
-The Rock comes out in sweats. The Corporation is out to back HIM up.....the ultimate counter to Nitro begins.
-The Rock takes the first offensive and gets him outside....Foley's shirt is torn to show a "JOB SQUAD" Tee underneath.
-Mankind rallies.....Maivia parries....and so on...
-The Rock dumps some steel steps on Mankind's head. Then does it again...
-The Rock grabs Kole's headset off and invites everyone to come down to the Smack Down Hotel.
-Mankind battles verily, then he grabs the headset and tells the King that he's looking pretty good right now...The King tells him to turn around....
-He does, and Maivia slams him with the bell right in the mush...THIS IS WHY I LOVE THE KING BABY!!!!!!!! GOD BLESS LAWLER AND HIS PEDOFILIC WAYS!!!!!!!
-Pedofilic?? Whut the F&^K?
-oooo...Rock Bottom right through the Announcer Table.
-almost 5 minutes of listening to Kole ask, "Am I on? Am I on?"
-It's the People's Elbow....the sumbitch kicks out...
-Mr. Socko is out....Maivia eats a mouthfull.....
-Shamrock saves it with a chair.....which of course leads to the DX/Corporation brawl...
-Then the glass breaks....and the crowd P-O-P-S......I'd ALMOST put it up there with Flair's return to Nitro.....almost.
-Austin comes a running......garbed in a brand new shirt to add another 5 mil in his pockets.
-Rock eats a chair...Austin rolls Foley on top of him...here's the pin...uno, dos tres...FOLEY WINS!!!!!!!!!! FOLEY IS THE WORLD CHAMP!!!!!!!
-Again, the crowd P-O-P-S which is to be expected....
-Austin gives McMahon a pair of fingers, then throws his hat at him....hunting season is over, so he won't be needing it....heh heh....Vince can be SUCH a ball breaker when he wants to be.
-I must say...this win was missing something...Good Ol' JR....you just KNOW he would have been screaming himself stupid over this......he would have "Pattersoned" all over the place!.
-DX celebrated in the ring as Maivia was being helped out and Vince made every single facial expression he had n his arsenal....my personal fave was the "Aww no..not him" look.
-Road Dog introduced the NEW Heavyweight champion of the wooooooooooooooooooorld.......nice touch.
-Mankind picked up the mic and told Vince that this felt "pretty damn good"...
-Meanwhile, Shane must have forgotten his line because all he did was scream twice.
-Mankind risked not sounding "cool" by dedicating the win to his two kids at home...you have simply GOT to wonder what those kids look like.
-The show ended on this note...with Mankind running around the floor holding up the title.
I'll withhold comment until I know what went down on Nitro...I would like to say that I spotted a sign that read "MANCOW RULES" on the show.......which is odd, considering that I don't think Mancow is even on in Massachusetts. In any case...Mancow sucks...and the idiot who held up the sign sucks even harder. period.
-Oh yeah...WHO IS SUSHI X AND WHY MUST I SEE SIGNS WITH HIS NAME ON IT??? THIS..THIS..THIS IS AN OUTRAGE!!!!!!!!!!! HAVEN'T I DONE ENOUGH FOR YOU MULES TO GET SIGNS ON TV ANYMORE??????? WHY HIM??? WHAT THE FLYING FRAG HAS HE DONE TO EARN THAT RESPECT??????
-ahem..sorry...it's just when you spend a good chunk of last year being the only dog to get signs on TV...you sort of get possessive.
Go read Mop-Up Nitro...it'll be up as soon as I write the damn thing, and then after it is properly chopped up for editorial content
Chris Hyatte
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