Nitro Mop Up ... by Chris Hyatte

ohh God......is there a Doctor out there?...1/14/99 Mop-Up Nitro (cont) -the Nitro Girls welcome us to the Third Hour.....Oh God, it's almost over. -commercials -Hennig came to the ring.....then stubbed his toe on the ramp and screamed that his knee blew out again. -No joy...he had a job to job too....out came Flair to make it happen. -Hennig looked good. He was tanned, built, and even a bit trimmer. He also had no brace on either knee. -It didn't take long for Windham to come out -It didn't take long for David Flair to come out too. -It didn't take long for them to go to... -commercials -It didn't take long for Heenan to scream, "NO, DON'T GO TO COMMERCIALS THIS IS MUCH TO EXCITING FOR US TO LEAVE!!! -It didn't take long for Tony to reassure Heenan that the tape machines were rolling -It didn't take long for me to figure out that this whole column totally blows. -commercials -back to the action.......Flair did his thing....then Hennig put him in the Figure Four.....David Flair started to sob like a girl. He defied ALL odds by lifting up his FINGER in support!!!!!!!! The Doctors said that he would be paralyzed for life, but through sheer WILL and inspired by his FATHER, RIP FLAIR!!! DAVID FOUND THE POWER WITHIN TO BATTLE BACK FROM HIS STATE OF TOTAL NUMBNESS!!!!!!!!! RIP SAW HIS SON'S FINGER MOVE THROUGH A HAZE OF SWEAT AND BLEACHED HAIR AND FOUND THE COURAGE WITHING TO BATTLE BACK AND FINALLY DEAFTEAT ZEUS HENNIG!!!!!! -wait a second....oh sh*t.......I hit the wrong button and my tape of "No Hold's Barred" started to play......ahh....sorry. -What the f*ck am I doing with a copy of "No Hold's Barred" anyway? -Let's see..they have a PPV match to sell.......Flair and his Son Vs Hennig and Windham...take a guess as to what happened. -David took off his shirt.....he looks more like Bischoff's son.... -and of all the Horsemen to emulate facial wise...why pick MALENKO??? -More Goldberg stuff....... -commercials -Those Nitro Girls do what they do... -Michael Buffer does what he does.... -The Giant comes out acting like he's there for another 5 years...God Bless the big lug -commercials -Nash comes out with Hall....both are acting like they can't wait to get SH*T faced at the Giant farewell party after the show....Hall moreso than Nash...but that's no shock -I wasn't paying attention, but I THINK Tony and Teny tried to sell us on the notion that Nash was NWO 4 LIFE since his college days.....and he NEVER worked for that "other" promotion that has been so SMUTTY as of late. -Big boot by Nash...cover...OH..THERE'S THE JOB!!!!!!!! -no..he kicked out...whoa -ANOTHER COVER!!! IT'S OV....no it isn't -Nash owned this whole thing.......until he bodyslammed him and threw out his back. -Powerbomb attempt...didn't work. -Horrible clotheslines by the Giant....he better get his act together and SELL those things up North...slick...Vince won't put UP with that crap!!!! (Nevermind about Kane.....he Patterson's favorite...he's "special") -Both Hall and Nash got ass butted in the corner -Hall got chokeslammed -Nash digs up a wrench from under the mat....a BLUE HANDLED WRENCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (dum...dum DUM DUM) -One whallop later and Giant does his job with as much grace as he can even though Bischoff must be very pissed to be losing a HUGE name to Titan. -Bischoff shows up to the Announcer Booth and rightfully brags about his shrewdness.....even though Flair made him a ring builder, he STILL used his Heel-Like Cunning to help the NWO find a way to win!!!! Oooo, Flair is SO outclassed here...Eric is a GENIUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -He also told the WWF to F-Themselves by introducing us to Kevin Nash, The nWo CORPORATE GIANT!! He punctuated the word "corporate" by pointing to the camera. -Back in the ring, Hogan and the crew came out. Hall tasered the Giant....then Hogan spraypainted nWo on his back...now, if he was REALLY smart, he would have painted WWF on the Giant's back...much like Shawn Michaels did to Jim Neidhart a year ago...but he didn't.....because Hogan doesn't register any sense of anything outside his own little world. -Week #2 of the NWO reunification....week #2 of someone laid out in the middle of the ring spraypainted with Hogan screaming in the camera.....it's going to be a looooong 99 -Anyone think they allowed the Giant to get up, grab the mic, and swear revenge? Yeah right...they only allow that luxury to bald Jewish people. The show ended. I didn't care for it, I didn't really think RAW was especially great either...I am still horribly sick and this column was one of the worst I have ever written. No show wins....I refuse to do it....I just want to go to bed. Go read the pre-written closer while I pass out. Okay, I thought I'd be a nice guy this week and tell a sweet story that you can all enjoy. No offensive stuff, no swearing, no obscenity.....just a straight up pleasing story about the last wrestling event I attended. Even better, it was a WCW event...so if there are still a few WCW fans out there who read this...I promise, you'll enjoy this tale. Before the Mop-Up...before "HYATTE".....Hell, barely before SCOOPS....In fact, barely before I even owned a computer and the Internet was a miserable little wasteland filled with scrubs who had no idea what cool was before I came along....... I decided to do one thing that would distinct my 20's from anyone else and take a cross country trip. I had plenty of money (all gone now) a kick ass Jeep Wrangler (still there), and a stack of maps and major city brochures. Now, being from Rhode Island, I thought I'd do the circular thing...head South, move across west, shoot up the Left Coast, and make the Journey home through the North-Mid west. I could tell you stories.....like how I was thrown out of a LA Strip club by David Lee Roth.....how a girl from Tennessee offered me sex for a ride to Knoxville ( I said no and gave her $100 cab fare)....how I ended up in a poor black neighborhood in Mississippi.....the Hooker in Vegas....the Hookers in Tijuana.......the Lesbian show I caught in Miami Beach.......my LA encounter with Robert Plant......with Alicia Silverstone.......with Richard Gere... But this is about wrestling. For a pretty good chunk of June and the first part of July, I was in Florida....mostly hanging in Key West and Daytona Beach. Well, WCW was coming to Daytona Beach for "Bash at the Beach"......and I couldn't turn it down. SOOOoo....I bought a ticket FACING the cameras, but somewhere in the middle between the floor seats and the nosebleeds. I never saw the show on TV, so I have no clue if I made it on. The show was two weeks away, so I hung around in Florida, Key Westing it, Orlandoing it, Miami Beaching it, and a remarkable weekend in a West Palm Beach resort where I stayed in bed watching movies and decimating the Mini-Bar (final tally there..$600 pigs). I should stop here and tell you that before going into Florida, I spent 3 days in Atlanta in the Biltmore, Omni Hotel.....where I bought Mean Gene Okerlund a drink and tried to grill him on who the Outsiders "Mystery" partner was (I was CONVINCED it was Bret Hart....asshead Okerlund wouldn't tell me...he had to be a prick and keep quiet....jerk) I also saw Harlem Heat and Craig "Pitbull" Pittman try to pick up a nice little WCW Receptionist and spotted John Tenta and Meng in the lot waiting for their car to be driven up to them by the valet. I didn't say a word to any of them. I am not the type to mark out like that for anybody..and I think autograph seekers (unless you're a young kid who doesn't know any better) are losers. I should also tell you that as I was driving towards Daytona for show time, I passed a car pulled over on the side of the road. Now, I can't be sure, but I think I saw the Barbarian standing over the trunk, looking in...I didn't pull over because I couldn't be sure.....chalk it up to missed opportunity. Okay, so I get to the big show...and I am sad to confess, I was pretty much plastered. Not fall down drunk, but heavily buzzed...still, when I am drunk, I am in a REALLY happy mood...and can be the life of the party. EVERYBODY in my section (as most of the arena I wager) was buzzing over this "mystery wrestler".....I had my fun...creaming, "LOOK...IT'S BOB BACKLUND!!", then pointing away from the ring and watching half the crowd follow my lead. "LOOK...IT'S BRET HART!!!"....Hell, I think I even yelled, "LOOK!!! IT'S THE UNPREDICTABLE JOHNNY RODZ!!!!!!!!!"...Loads of fun. Each time I did it..the rubes bought it. There's not much to tell for the event. I barely remember most of it...I remember that the Big Bubba/John Tenta "Carson City Streetfight" was a disaster....I remember calling a few people "Hillbillies", which I'm sure nearly cost me an ass whipping of epic proportions.....I remember a Public Enemy/Nasty Boys match that nobody could see because they fought outside the ring for the most part......same thing with most of the Kevin Sullivan & Giant Vs Arn Anderson & Chris Benoit fight. But there are three major things here that I want to tell you..... First, want to know the DEFINITION of a mark? Here you go.....Konan was a boring face with the US belt who was taking on supposed Heel Ric Flair (with Woman and Elizabeth) for the Title. During the match, where Konan was dominating, a balding, skinny father was with his son, and he was encouraging his son to CHEER for Konan....I screame4d at him, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING???? CHEER FOR FLAIR DAMMIT!!! CHEER FOR THE NATURE BOY!!! WHOOOOOOO!" The father laughed and shook his head NO....Flair was a bad guy, Konan was a good guy..and it was all in good fun. I openly wept for the future of our children.....then wept for the sweetness of that moment.....the innocence...it still moves me to this day when I think about it....late at night. I am not kidding either. Still, he was a mark. Second.....of course, Hogan came out, attacked Savage..and the NWO was born. Now, this may be hard to believe...but I SWEAR on my Mother's grave it's true.....that night..in 1996, pretty much started the idea of throwing cups, bottles, and other debris into the ring. It was done before, but after that night, it was done with a HELL of a lot more frequency. All it takes is one ballsy person to throw something...and everyone follows right? Right! I started it. I took my half empty beer cup......shoved napkins in there, then jammed my empty nacho box into it to hold the beer . I strutted down the stairs, got pretty deep into the standing crowd..and HUMMED that sucker into the ring....it missed just about everyone and bounced off the mat. I run back to my seat and was greeted by numerous High Fives from those who saw what I did....I turned around and saw that EVERYONE was doing it now.....it was a real battlefield in there.....I thought for SURE I'd get caught...but I never was. This is a true story. I started it. Finally, after the matched, I hung around a little, then started to walk towards my Hotel room. I saw none other than Scott Hall and Kevin Nash getting in there car and getting ready to take off. Now, both guys were still pretty much fresh from the WWF, and nobody was used to calling them Nash and Hall yet...they were still Diesel and Razor Ramon. So they were barely a FOOT from me, putting their bags in their trunks. I looked to Nash and said, "Hey Diesel, You don't hate Vince do you?" He said, "No!"...not a solid "NO"..more like "Naah, of course not"....then I looked at Hall (who had his two boys with him) and said, "Okay Razor, let's show these WCW rednecks how we do things up North!"....(yes, a ridiculous statement to make...but I was loaded and was caught totally surprised by seeing these two guys)....Hall didn't say anything, but he smiled broadly, he liked what I had to say. I left them alone and they took off. I danced with the idea of going to their hotel and seeing if I can talk to some of the wrestlers in the Bar.....but I decided not to. As I said, I don't mark out like that. I just went back to my Motel room and went to sleep...the next day, I was off to New Orleans. Oh yeah, the next day, I saw Hall having breakfast with some girl with cute bangs and nice perky boobs. Hall was doing his Mack Daddy thaaaang...I didn't bother him. The girl looked like she had a real bug up her ass anyway....I'm sure she would have blown me off...trite little.... .....little......trollup.......smelly...little.....NNNNNNYYYYYAAAARRRRGH That's my tale. I hope you liked it. I'm going away now because I must. Next week....ooooh...what I have planned for next week....it...it....it will be THE most talked about Mop-Up EVER!!!!!! HEAT up those printers kids...because THIS is where I open myself up and where I....oh I have no idea how to put this.....umm....okay, there are certain....aspects...to my life that I have talked about right? Well next week, one of those aspects will be here...LIVE. For the first time EVER...I will have a Mop-Up "co-host"............or to put it another way...... She's back. Heh.....bet you can't WAIT until next week now can ya? This is Hyatte Chris Hyatte
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