Raw Mop Up ... by Chris Hyatte

This week is a tough one...1/14/99 Mop-Up RAW (Not really a HATE letter but.....) "As a loyal fan and Hyatte mark I am reminded of a Simpsons episode that aired some 4 years ago: In this particular episode Bart becomes famous by uttering a well-placed "I didn't do it" on Krusty's TV show. Krusty soon starts putting "I didn't do it" in every sketch. Bart goes on talk shows saying "I didn't do it". Finally one night Bart comes out to a full house and says "I didn't do it", the response - crickett-backed audience silence. Bart loses his job and his fame. The moral of this episode as it relates to the Mop Up Patterson jokes = "I didn't do it" Stop now before the Mop-Up becomes stale and unimaginative." Butter: GatorCraig@aol.com Ooops, too late! Hello! This is the Mop-Up and I am Chris.....a Ghetto Supersta...that is what I are. This week's column is going to be a quickie....just a few openers and a nice little closer I think you ALL will enjoy. I am fighting a horrible cold this week....not the stuffed nose/fever/sneezy kind of cold...but the always exhausted/sore/lungs filling with fluid type of cold. I'm wiped kids, so let's go get this over with... Concerning the letter up top.....1 year ago, it was "Villano jokes = I Didn't Do It"...6 months ago, it was "Dillenger jokes = I Didn't Do It!"....now it's Patterson's turn in the hole. Thing is, I get dozens and dozens of letters each week telling me to keep up the Pat jokes.....so I'm just being a good little Nazi and following orders. Eventually, I'll get sick of them and go somewhere else.....Hell, I may get sick of them this week...I never know what will strike my fancy as I write this column...that's what gives it it's "edge" I think...it's pretty spontaneous. I don't know what I'm going to write until I get there...it's how I work. Of course, next week's column is the blow out Mop-Up that will completely change the rules and put all other recaps to shame...and even though it's KIND OF planned..it'll also be totally improvised....it's going to be a real mess, and I am actually scared of what next week will do to my mental health. More on this after the closer. Nothing new on the Editing saga...I'm happy to report that last week's column was almost 100% uncut. SCOOPS only made some small snips that helped clean up some stuff and improve the flow. Don't ask for a copy because there is nothing new to send out. And don't ask for those two "Unedited" Mop-Ups anymore. I gave you guys a month to get them...they're filed away on a floppy disk now and it's a real bitch to get them out....you've had your chance. Moving along, I can happily report that after only 2 months at my cool job, I have been promoted to "EXECUTIVE PRESIDENT OF EVERYTHING IN THE SOLAR SYSTEM!!!!" I do this NOT to brag mind you...but to simply point out that I am smarter than each and every one of you by about 50 IQ points. And if you read this column, you automatically become a little smarter because my brain throbs waves and waves of Intelligence and Data. I can also drink all of you under the table in my spare time while playing in a rock band that EVERY record company wants to sign...but I simply refuse because I don't want to sell out to the MAN!!! You really have to read another web site to get that joke.....but those who do I hope are laughing and laughing (betch'a CRZ is).......and this concludes my ONLY hint of any other web person for the week....hopefully, it is vaque enough for the mighty SCOOPS to leave unscathed. Speaking of which....only about 4 of you tried the "WHO SAID THIS" game I put into the RAW recap last week...and you all got the answers...sort of. There was some confusion over the guy who said, "I wonder what Meltzer has to say?"...I'll give you a hint...it was the Law Student. Now THAT ends it.....my apologies to those who have no clue what I am talking about. FINALLY......I got a call this morning (Tuesday) from a ratings company.....looks like for the first week of February (Sweeps)..I will be a member of the NIELSEN FAMILY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! No lie!!! Now, I had thought that being a Nielsen member was an ongoing thing...I didn't know that it was a random weekly thing. Either way, for a week..I will CONTROL THE DESTINIES OF AMERICAN VIEWERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Tres cool!. Of course..that's the week RAW is pre-empted by the Dog Show......DAMMIT!!!!!! I'm not even joking. What I'm going to do is watch Melrose and Ally McBeal..then record the Nitro replay and register that in the books. I will NOT be a party to Bischoff's success if I can help it! Christ......I finally become a Nielsen-ite and RAW is gone for that week....NNNYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH. Well, that was a pretty brisk, by the numbers, opener wasn't it? F-It...it's not like you people have anything better to do. I really should be in bed though, sweating out all this crap that's in my lungs. I may get pneumonia from this...and then I would die.....because Hospitals are for pussies....so before I go to my death bed, let's see if I can pull one more recap out of my ass shall we? Yes we shall... Note: Prepare to be disappointed this week with both recaps.....every time I breath I cough up a wad of green phlegm. It's horrible. RAW IS WAR: (or: Oh Farooq...would Farrakhan approve?) -opening theme -Loads of fireworks, loads of signs, loads of everything...there is a pause.....a pause just long enough for the world to plead, "ohpkleaseohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease let Ross come back this week!!" -Michael Kole welcomes us to the festivities...aw shit......NITRO WINS THE WHOLE SHE-BANG -I see a sign that reads, "HI CHRIS!".....well hello! That reminds me.... -I've been seeing a LOT of signs lately that simply say CHRIS and an arrow pointing downward.....because Zimmerman isn't taking credit (he knows better), I will. Yes, hold up a sign that says CHRIS with an arrow pointing down towards you head....I will know it's a message to ME saying that you made it to the show. I will properly file it and incorporate you into my plans for the future. The army grows.... -Lawler claims not to be able to hear himself think......or else he would hear his inner voice scream, "JEEZUS JERRY, SHE'S ONLY 14!!!!!!!!!!!! -DX comes out to the ramp....Road Dog tells WCW to go F-themselves with a shirt that reads, "LOOK MA! NO CURSE" -Road Dog orders the music cut...then went into his spiel....it was played beautifully.... -You know how it goes...ladies and gentlemen....yadda yadda yadda....Degeneration X and the World Wrestling....yadda yadda yadda.......proudly brings to you, it's WWF.....then he paused... -The fans scream, "TAG TEAM CHAMPIO....yadda yadda yadda" -He shook his head and said "no, no, no"...then finished, "it's Heavyweight CHAMPION OF THE WOOO...yadda yadda yaddaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa"....MANKIND!!!!' -HUGE POP.....look, I'm sorry...I'm sure I'll get reamed for this, but for this very moment....when the crowd is HOT...then the WWF pretty much RULES Monday nights.....Nitro just does NOT deliver this kind of reaction. -Mankind comes out to a brand new theme song...one that starts off with the sound of a car crashing.....I can not think of a more appropriate effect. -His actual music is just AC/DC's "Highway to Hell"....just retouched enough to avoid lawsuits. -Mankind came out.....Kole drops his Presbyterian roots right there and then and agrees with a sign that reads, "FOLEY IS GOD"! -After running around with the belt a little, Bad Ass pulls him aside and tells the crowd that "If they weren't down with Mankind...yadda yadda yadda....we got ONE word for ya'.....SOCKO!!!!!" Some of the rubes jumped ahead and said "SUCK IT".....dinks. -DX bails (how come X-Pac never talks anymore? He always talked in WCW...he should go back) and Foley runs to the ring. Backstage, we see Vince and Shane watching on a TV monitor.....Vince looked disgusted. Shane looked like he was working that "disgusted" look. -Foley said that it was about "damn" time he had some new entrance music...(what's HE bitching about? He's got 3??) -Now the Rock was staring at the screen, and pacing in a rage....must be the steroids. -Foley pointed out that his new video showed him getting his ass "dicked" in every frame....I rewound the tape several times....but I couldn't see Patterson in ANY shot?!?! -Foley had a couple of thank you's to give out for last week... -Ah, HERE WE GO.....the camera found and stayed on a BIG sign that read, "MICK FOLEY PUT MY A$$ IN THIS SEAT TONY!!!!".......saw that one coming a mile away. -You think Schiavone tapes and watches RAW?? Or do you think he is totally unaware of anything outside his little company? -First, Foley showed a LOT of class by thanking Jim Ross for FINALLY persuading Vince to hire Foley after he spent years trying to get in on his own.......right there..on that move alone...Jimbo is worth every penny of his paycheck...and a few stock options too. -yeah, but Ross had Mero hired too....yeesh -yeah, but without Mero, there wouldn't have been SABLE!!!!! -Okay...but Ross also brought in Dustin Runnels!!!! -Yes, but without Dustin, there would not be TERRI!!!!!!!!!! -Oh...right....well, Jimbo also brought in VADER!!!!!! -No he didn't, you idiot...Bischoff sent Vader in when he fired him... -Oh yeah...well I guess Jim is just PEACHY ain't he? -I guess he is.... -F-You -No, F-You -Why the Hell am I talking to myself? -Foley also told Jim to get better soon because he wants to hear Ross call a Mankind heavyweight championship match.......(alas, Jim would get so excited that his heart would explode midway through his third usage of the phrase "AS GOD AS MY WITNESS") -Get well soon Ross, I doubt anyone sees Foley holding onto this strap for THAT long!! -Oh yes, Lawler had to take over the announcing duties because after hearing that, Kole went off mic and started to cry like a woman....he was screaming, "I DO MY BEST DAMMIT!!!!" -Never in a million years did I DREAM I would say this but...I MISS YOU TODD PETTENGILL!!!! -Foley also thanked DX for watching his back -Then Foley thanked Austin for the assist last week...so he offered him a title match at Wrestlemania...because he was pretty sure that they could tear the roof off the dump in March.....and headlining Wrestlemania is the dream of pretty much everyone, and Wrestlemania's main event would NOT BE a Wrestlemania main event without Steve Austin.....unless Bret Hart, Shawn Michaels, or Hulk Hogan were in the building. -Then the Rock came out to spin his unique form of cliche heavy mic work....Shane and Vince were there too....Shane called Foley a "disgrace"...then announced that DX will fight in singles competition tonight...THEN they will fight the Corporation in a mini "Corporate Rumble"...with the winner being number 30 at the Royal Rumble...I'm cool wit dat. -Then the Rock took the mic to do that spinning I talked about a "-" ago -PREACH BRUTHAA ROCK!!!!!!! Lordy, this guy to sweet talk a nun's chastity belt off. -"It looks like a big monkey, walked down this ramp, got in the middle of the ring, took a CRAP, and out came Mankind!" -I should transcribe more...but I'm sick.....let's just say he covered all the bases... -Then the Rock challenged Mankind to a title shot at the Royal Rumble....Mankind refused, citing that since he already beaten him two times, the Rock isn't "championship material". -The Rock offered to make it a No DQ match...Foley still refused... -The Rock offered no count out as well.....Foley said nope -Maivia promised no member of "Team Corporate" will be at ringside. Foley told the Rock that HE should check into the "Lay the Smack Down Hotel", then drag his monkey ass (Hey, isn't that racist?) down to the corner of "Know Your Role Boulevard" and "Jabrony Drive"...because he gets NO title shot. -The Rock told Foley that he should employ Socko to go on a rescue mission and find his nuts...because he doesn't seem to have them anymore....if Socko wasn't available, Patterson will do it for a pack of Winstons and a bottle of Rotgut. -Foley was outraged that he would question his "Testicular Fortitude"....(a few readers registered surprise at me for not doing anything off that line....I don't know, I heard it years and years ago and was never really impressed with it). He said that he would take Socko and go searching for Maivia's sac.....just to see exactly what he was "cooking" -Finally, Foley accepted the Rock's offer for an "I Quit" match...(huh? Did I have another black out?) and ran down the strips once again....including a promise for "excessive bloodlost"...and no knockouts......cool. -Then it was time for Vincent K (My Toupee simply does NOT get it either!!!!) McMahon to pick up the mic and tell Foley that he would defend the WWF belt tonight against........(quivering voice, quivering RUG)..... KANE!!!!!!!!!! -Foley told Vince to sniff what his sock was cooking......BAM. -Backstage we see Austin arrive. We HEAR Cole SCREAM, "STONE COLD IS HERE...THE RATTLESNAKE IS COILED...STONE COLD IS .....HERE!!!" Oh Mickey...go get a blowjob will you? -This whole mess took almost exactly 20 minutes.....Nitro had three screwjob ending in that time. -commercials -The New Age Outlaws came to the ring... -pre-match shot of Bad Ass and Road Dog talking about Debbie's titties. -Jeff Jarrett and Owen Hart came out...both wearing t-shirts.....neither of them would be worn by ANY self respecting High School nerd. -Footage from Heat where Deborah allowed Bossman to grab her ass...I SWEAR I saw Bossman mouth the words, "Are you sure about this? I once jobbed to Glacier you know!" -The match got going.....mostly owned by the team with the dreadlocks... -Cole announced that after this match, they would have the debut of .....GILLBERT!!! The WWF signed GILBERT GODFREID????????? Oooh, I hope he does his Parrot impression...and his Seinfeld impression is good too!! -Incidentally, calling this match was none other than Teddy Long.......for reasons that will become all too clear once the proper supoenas are served.... -Deborah took off her blouse and showered Gunn her pontoons.....Gunn went homo on us and told her to "suck it". -So then Deborah tried to entice...Chyna?!?!?!?!!? (I KNEW IT!!! IT'S A MAN BABY!!!! WHICH MAKES THE WORLD'S STRONGEST MAN A TOTAL FAG!!!!) -Ooops, false alarm, Chyna shoved her down to the mat.....meanwhile, Owen scored the pin off Road Dog after a savate kick.......Chyna's into guys..... By the way, it couldn't have been any clearer that little Miss Chyna waited until AFTER the bell before pushing Debbie down. -We see a couple of security guards and Tony Garea (who is still looking for revenge against Larry Zbyszko......in a joke which NOBODY under 25 will get) waiting outside a locker room door with the name "GILLBERG" on it.....uh oh....this may hurt -commercials -Garea knocks on the door and says it's time... -Out comes Duane (I thought it was "Dwayne".....but I'm going to have to fall into line with all the other shmucks on this one) Gill....grunting and slapping himself as he was escorted to the ring. A mechanical chant of "GILLLLLL..BERG" can be heard.... -Kole, "King, I hear a chant of GILLBERG, but looking around at all the fans, I don't see anyone's mouth moving!!!!!" (I'm paraphrasing) -Gillberg sings in the crowd...ALREADY???? They must be plants -The sign reading "GOLDBERG FEARS GILL" damn sure wasn't though. -Kole's laughing WAAAAY too hard -Kole, "King, they must be piping this chant in through the sound system!!!!!!"....thanks Mike....you have the rare gift for pointing things that EVERYONE OVER THE AGE OF 6 COULD FIGURE OUT!!!! -BIG sign that read, "WCW SUCKS"......they can go F-Their Momma's next time they decided to take a shot at Foley. -Kole, "And there he is!!! There's Giii...heh...heh....heh...heh...hilllberg!" I promise, he stretched it into 9 syllables. -The Pseudo Jew (Guilty by association?) came out..with the Blue Meanie, Flash Funk, and Bob Holly lighting sparklers for him......or, as Kole called them, "The JOB Squa.....haa.....haa.......haa......haad"...somebody better whack him across the head FAST...before I grow angry. -Gillberg choked on his smoke...I saw that coming a mile away....Kole thought it was the funniest thing he has ever seen since Seinfeld went off the air. -Okay...I thought long and hard on this....trying to find a proper twist.....so here we go... -As he made his way to the ring, Gillberg spotted a young boy looking about 12 years old...the child looked to be straining with something. The big lug walked over to him and asked, "What's the matter, sporto? Did you have a happy Hanukah?" (He has to SELL the role...y'dig?) The boy said, "I can't get this bottle of Pepsi opened." Gillberg said "gimme that thing" and with a MIGHTY wrench....he sliced open his hand on the bottle cap. Gillberg them popped the cap open using his tooth and handed it to him. The boy said, "Thank you Mr. Goldberg...I'm so glad you got off the steroids." Gillberg laughed, tussled his hair, and walked away. -Then he snapped his fingers as if to say, "Oh yeah, I almost forgot"....then walked back to the kid and kicked him in the nuts. And so it goes. -Gillberg hit the ring and grabbed the mic...."Gillberg doesn't want to know...who's next? Gillberg wants to know....who's first?" -Then Luna Vachon ran out and kicked the crap out of him....Gillberg tried the Spear, but Luna moved and he hit the post. -Gillberg went for the Jackhammer....Luna got out of it...which made Kole say, "Hey King, true to form, Gillberg knows one move!" -Luna ended up beating him...of course......then she was attacked by some fan(TerriPowers)...but she was pulled away. Say, where is Alundra Blayze anyway? -I wonder if WCW will sue? -I wonder if Gill can now be called an Austin rip-off by default? -I wonder when they will just totally disregard the LH title...they only created it because WCW's Cruiserweights were running hot at the time...Vince obviously doesn't give a crap about it. -Footage from last week when Michaels was attacked, then from Heat when Jose Lothario was attacked. Kole told us that HBK would be going under the knife tomorrow. -commercials Chris Hyatte
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