Raw Mop Up ... by Chris Hyatte

Let's just get this over with...1/14/99 Mop-Up RAW (cont) -We get back in time to see.... -Dennis Knight at the announcers table screaming, "He's here in the building man!! he can transcend time and space in an eyeblink and the stuff he knows, the stuff he tells you, the stuff you learn will transcend everything you know!! It's all fractal, it's going to be beautiful Michael Kole, he's here, nonononono he's here..don't you understand, he's HERE!!!!" -Then Farooq and Bradshaw came out and escorted Knight away, to where HE was. -What did we learn? Well...... -Dennis Knight does a MEAN Dennis Hopper... -Michael Kole is an "Errand boy" sent by "Grocery clerks" to collect on a bill -Marlon Brando just signed to be the WWF's new Satan -Lawler will have a heart attack and stop filming for 6 weeks.... -Austin will soon announce to loving the smell of Napalm in the morning -And Hyatte closes his eyes every night and whisperes, "The horror, the horror" -Val Venis came out.....talked about how his pee pee can put chicks into orbit...then made moves on a front row blonde who seemed to like it... -Then Shamrock ran out and attacked His Peckerness...the blonde never lost that smile...she enjoyed when two men beat the crap out of each other over her...like all of those TWO BIT...ROTTEN...STANK........EGOMANIACAL.......EVERYTHINGISABOUTHEM...... ..TRAMPS......ARRRRRRRRGH -Oh...turns out she was Shamrock's sister...so THAT'S how it is in his family huh? -Billy Gunn came out and mooned Shamrock's sister.....you can figure out the rest. -The Royal Rumble match was made too.... -We see Austin and Mankind conferencing backstage...Austin still looked pissed that he could go hunting last week. -X-Pac fought Al Snow...who was missing his Head...the WWF signed NORMAN SMILEY???? THAT FAST??????? -Oh...no...Goldust had it...I have no idea why, I have no idea how, I have no idea if Goldust is a good guy or a bad guy...I have no idea about anything..all I know is that I can't breathe without hacking up gunk.....and I'm exhausted -Dustin just kept hitting Snow with the Head.... -Backstage with Vince and Kane.....Vince orders Kane to bring the belt back and beat Mankind to a PULP... -commercials -Kane comes out......looking like he's already planning out the way he's going to lay down for the Giant. -The first hour stepped aside for the second hour...in case you keep up with this kind of stuff. -Mankind came out....they went at it... -It went outside and Kane ate steps -then ate some more.... -Then Kane took it inside -Mankind with a NICE Piledriver...you don't see those much anymore. -A kick in the "Hell's Bells" turns any chokeslam into a Double Underhook DDT -Mr. Socko tried to get into that mask..... -But Kane powerlifted Mankind into a Tombstone.... -IT WAS A SCAM ON US!!!!! VINCE JUST HAD MANKIND WIN TO MESS WITH BISCHOFF!!!! NOW HE'S GOING TO LOSE THE BELT!!! OH VINCE, YOU SUCK!!!!!!!! -OHTHANKGOD...Maivia came out and chaired Kane.....Foley keeps the strap... -Then Austin came out...he and Foley chased Maivia away... -Then Austin gave Mankind the Stunner...which basically explains EXACTLY why the WWF is the best dog & pony show going..and why Austin is the best dog &/or Pony in the biz...... -Then Austin dropped Kane one more time. -commercials -backstage, we see Maivia scream that he wants Foley's Monkey ass all to himself. -Triple H comes to the ring with Chyna.....he does his "R U Ready" thing. -Then the Edge came out.....have they still NOT explain this guy's story or did I miss another meeting? -Trip H got the pin, but Road Dog ended up covered in blood.....why you ask? Easy, because HHH hasn't re-signed his contract extension yet, X-Pac is too valuable as the lure to get Hall and Nash back in 2 years....Gunn is too talented...and Doggy...well, Doggy is the Designated Jobber. -commercials -The Entrance way was bathed in a blue light as the Acolytes stood over Dennis Knight, who was laid out on a slab.....men with hoods gathered about....uh oh...I smell trouble. -The Undertaker's bells started to chime....and out he came. -Lead by Paul Bearer, UT took a seat on his throne shaped suspiciously like the Symbol for the Artist Formally Known As Prince....THAT GUY IS SATAN?????...I CAN'T BELI.....oh alright, I can believe it...in fact, it all makes sense now. -UT may be SATAN PERSONIFIED AND A BILLION TIMES MORE EVIL THAN ANY OTHER THING ON THIS PLANET!!!! but he still can't lip synch to his own words for shit. -Hey, UT just admitted to creating the Y2K bug!!!!!!!! He really IS evil!!!!! -Well, of COURSE he's evil.....he has a new goatee grown in.....that's the mark of the Beat by God!! Or at least the Mark of a Guy who wants to be cool. -Then UT walked over to Dennis Knight and started to speak in another language.... -"Todo si, pagumbo!! Todo si pagumba!!!"! The last time UT said that, it was when he was on Gilligan's island, the Headhunters thought he was their God...so he dressed like one of them which then made the Headhunters leave the Island in time for Ginger to put on her Broadway Showtune Review.....those Headhunters are SO STOOPID!!! -UT then cut open his own wrist and poured his blood into a Goblet...then made Knight drink it -Then UT carved up Knights chest... -The feelings of stark TERROR and black DREAD quickly turned to fears of LOST RATINGS when the crowd started to chant, "BULLSHIT, BULLSHIT!!!" -Oh, more stuff happened...exploding fire...lots of fog......but you get the gist of it. -I just want to know exactly who UT thinks he's going to feud with anyway? I can't see him going through all this just to wage war with the JOB Squad. -and I know, it's an act...but I would be VEEEERY nervous if I was acting like Satan.....take it from me, you do NOT want to play too close to this fire. -commercials -Terri Runnels and Jacqueline walked to the ring with D-Lo Brown..... -D-Lo picked up the mic and said that he was sorry he caused Terri to lose her belly and he was PERFECTLY WILLING to do her laundry for a whole week as punishment.....but not even a precious almostborn life....BRUTALLY exterminated due to his callousness....was worth the price she wanted him to pay..... -Terri batted some eyelashes and flexed her boobies......Jacqueline looked like she was wishing she was back in Atlanta doing the Funkey Monkey with Sullivan in Bischoff's private bathroom. -Mark Henry came to the ring....I guess they were supposed to fight.... -Key word is GUESS......because about 5 seconds into it, Terri popped Henry in the balls..... -Then Chyna came down with....ehh...Sammi. It was interesting, watching Chyna stomp to the ring while watching Sammi saunter to the ring quickly in order to keep up with her. -Jacqueline got in Chyna's face...Chyna shoved her down...Jackey's boobs popped out, or came as near as possible...Lawler's jaw hit the ground...then said "WHOA!! I didn't see that!" -Chyna and Sammi walked Henry out of there....this whole angle is making me physically ill.....oh yeah, I was physically ill before I even turned on my computer...nevermind. -commercials -Shane and Vince in a training video......heavily tripping off from the Rocky theme...except Vince was bitching and moaning the whole way. Funny stuff. -Allright.....Rumble time. Ken Shamrock comes to the ring..... -commercials -Shane McMahon takes a seat at ringside....I'd criticize him, but I really am dying here.....wheeeeeze...wheeeeeeze -Gunn came to the ring and the Corporate Rumble is ON!!!! -Umm..listen...Shamrock may be tough...but he also be "bout as smart as your average 18 year old prom queen....he eliminated himself when he vaulted over the top rope onto Gunn....about 2 seconds into it......oy vey -Shamrock refused to leave until the Bossman came out to continue on Gunn.....they went about a minute when... -Test came out....Why didn't a DX member come out you ask? Because this is Royal Rumble rules...NOT War Games rules....ya knuckleheads -X-Pac came out a minute later, -Lawler, "Hey, Michael Kole..your proctologist called, he just found your head!" Funny, very very funny -Gunn was eliminated.... -Road Dog was out...... -Kane came out...he got rid of Road Dog...who looked like he busted his face on the landing. -HHH was out....Kole screamed that he was the LAST PARTICIPANT -Kane tossed out Test...don't ask -HHH and X-Pac double clotheslined Kane out of there.....fans pooped BIG for it..for some reason. -BUT...Bossman took out X-Pac in the process.... -It was down to Bossman and HHH.... -Then the buzzer went off again...WHAAAAAT????? -Out came a VERY pumped Vince McMahon, flanked by a VERY pumped Patterson (although HE was pumped in a very......special way) and a VERY near sighted (and don't think he isn't INCREDIBLY grateful for that) Gerald Brisco....VINE was the last team member.... -Trip H begged him to come get some....which allowed the Bossman to try to get him over the ropes... -Vince an in and flipped both of them over.....(Oh Dear...judging by the look on his face, I see a Bossman face turn happening by the end of the year...thus, once again beginning the downward slide back to WCW) -Vince celebrated being number 30...then.....he even tore off his shirt to send a little F-YOU to Hogan AND Bischoff...who thinks HE looks good without a shirt on...heh. -the buzzer went off AGAIN!! -Chyna came out....looking for her taste of the booty. Patterson and Brisco tried to block her path....well, Pat did..Brisco kept bumping into things. -The thing is...seeing how Chyna is.....err.......mixed. Pat was....errr......mixed. I heard him say, "Look...Chyna, if your not doing anything after...wait a second...are you sure you don't have....or do you...I...I normally wouldn't try this with someone like you....errr.....do you like Liza Minelli? Cher? Is that Lipstick in your pocket or is my Gadar functioning normally.....ummm" -Chyna nailed them both with forearms...Pat went down.....visibly relieved and needing a gallon of Bloody Mary's.... -Austin came out and looked at Vince...Vince started to shake... -Then Chyna pitched him over the top rope and won her spot in the RR...Vince went OVER the top rope head first. He flipped over and his back crashed into his ring apron....looked painful. -Chyna celebrated in the ring, Austin got on his belly and lectured Vince on the dangers of Steroid Abuser...and the dangers of making him job more than twice a year. Then he walked away, laughing his ass off. The show ended with Kole going ballistic, Brisco and Patterson arguing with each other over the downed body of Vince...the just as we saw Pat cop a quick feel of Vince's lumpy backside... -The show ended I really don't know if I can get through the Nitro report...I am one, hurting unit. Let's go over there and find out. Oh yeah, the show was pretty good, yet.....there were some problems. I'd better apologize in advance...the rest of this column will probably get worse...I'm in no shape for this. Chris Hyatte
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