Raw Mop Up ... by Chris Hyatte

Welcome to my nightmare...1/21/99 Mop-Up RAW HYT: Okay, are we ready? AMY: Yes, let's go. HYT: Good. I'll set this up, then you can go, then we go...etc, etc, etc AMY: Let's just get going assh*le. HYT: Shut up. Okay, Hey people, I'm Chris and this is a very special edition of the Mop-Up. Instead of the usual format, I'm doing this in script form, because I have a very....ugh....."special"... co-host this week..... AMY: Oh nice. HYT: Thank you. Apparently, even though I DUMPED her fat ass.... AMY: Excuse me? HYT: My ex-girlfriend, Ms. Amy Corillini, has kept up with reading my columns, and she wasn't very happy with the way I portrayed her..or females in general. So she had a friend contact me to find out if she could write a rebuttal Mop-Up. I told her to go screw. AMY: Because you're a pussy, HYT: And you would be the expert on using that word.....sweetie. Anyway, it had occured to me that you nice readers needed a little spice in this column, a little break from the norm. And since it has been a while, I thought it would be cool to have her on as a "co-host" for the Mop-Up. To work with me and do a little recapping...as well as getting some .....issues...we may have with each other straightened out.. AMY: Right. HYT: A quick warning......this is going to be a LOOOONG column, and I'm sure a LOT of you have no interest in watching us go at it. So I'd advice you to walk away right now. Go ahead, skip this week's column, then go bitch to everyone about how much I suck. AMY: You really does too, we ALL know it. HYT: Go read Zimmerman, who never tries anything different. AMY: I read him all the time, he's great. HYT: Okay, let's get the show going. As some of you may remember, Amy filled in for me lone week last year while we were still together. AMY: Ugh, that was a nightmare HYT: Yeah, I know. You were a horrible writer. AMY: No, I meant the time we were "together". What a horror show THAT was. HYT: Yeah like you were......oh nevermind. She has since moved on and has hooked up with some Hispanic dude with a tight ass and a green card. AMY: Paulo was born in America, dickhead. HYT: I know he's a dickhead. AMY: NO! You're the dickhead. HYT: Oh I am? AMY: Yes! Paulo is more of a man than you can EVER hope to be. HYT: Yeah okay....meanwhile, the 5 words he has heard most in his life is "Will the defendant please rise", with number 6 being "guilty". AMY: Still a racist prick..that's all you are HYT: I'M racist?? You're the one with a picture of Mussolini hanging up on your wall. AMY: That's my Father's picture, assh*le. HYT: Yeah, and the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. AMY: Shut up, Chris. You stupid jerk. HYT: Ooo, good comeback. Dicko Suave teach you that one? AMY: He's here now, want to talk to him? HYT: NO!!! Keep him out off my column, smelly pants. AMY: What's wrong baby? Afraid? HYT: No..I just don't want his illiterate ass on my column. AMY: Oh LITTLE CHRISSY'S AFRAID HYT: Afraid? Of that douche?? One call to Immigration and he's GONZO sister AMY: HE'S AN AMERICAN CITIZEN YOU IDIOT!!!!! HYT: Yeah..okay......forget about that for a second. You had something you wanted to say to the people right? AMY: Yes HYT: Okay, go ahead..the floor is yours. AMY: Okay, first of all you did not DUMP me on my "fat ass" which isn't really fat at all. I spend two hours in the gym ever day. HYT: WHAT??? YOU ARE SUCH A LYING SCRAG!!! AMY: I thought the floor was MINE? HYT: Yeah, sure..go ahead. But, try to be crazy and do something different for a change...like TELL THE TRUTH!! AMY: You're telling ME? You're the one claiming that you were the one who started throwing crap at the wrestlers last week!!!!!!! YOU'RE THE LIAR!!!! HYT: I did!!! AMY: Yeah right, you're too much of a pussy to try that....and you would have told me about it. You're a lying dog HYT: Don't you have a statement to make? AMY: Yes I do. The truth is that Chris is so SELF ABSORBED and is such a NOWHERE LOSER!!!!! That I'M THE ONE WHO DUMPED HIM!!! HYT: I'm more of a success than Paulo toots AMY: I'm not finished, I thought the deal was that I could speak my piece HYT: You're right...sorry. AMY: You sure are. Anyway, couples break up, it's a fact of life. Only THIS moron used his pretty popular forum here to wage some sort of campaign against myself and a few other ex's, although I could have SWORN he was a virgin when I first met him. HYT: BULLSH*T....You weren't my first, you bimbo AMY: Oh God...then you're nervous like that ALL THE TIME?? HYT: I was great and you know it. AMY: Whatever dude, all I know is that I had to burn out about 90000 C-Cell Batteries during my time with you. HYT: Yeah, and you were a great prize. How many times did I have to check your pulse to see if you were alive? AMY: About as many times as I had to feel around your crotch to see if you were really a chick. HYT: Cold fish AMY: Flaccid jello sac HYT: Queen bitch AMY: Sweaty toad HYT: You little CU......ooooo....are you done?. AMY: Not hardly. The truth is that while Chris TALKS a good game, he is nowhere NEAR as "cool" as he would like you to believe. Fact is..he is a super GEEK HYT: HA!! Okay, go on.....keep it rolling AMY: He hates women, I am convinced of that, just like all men do deep down. But this image he portrays as some sort of "love "em and leave "em" studcookie is just plain LIES. HYT: Hah hah haaa...okay toots AMY: When we first met, he spilled his drink all over himself, he was so nervous HYT: Honey, you're rambling now.....not to mention lying your little....I mean BIG...fanny off....so get to the point please. AMY: Yeah, okay. My point here is that I have been portrayed here in this Top-Mop column as some sort of Princess Slut. So I'm here this week to try to give you a more accurate presentation of myself. Because as is always the case, when Chris is confronted with something, he shuts up like the little bitch he is. HYT: That's more bullcrap. AMY: We'll see, won't we? HYT: I just have one question right now? AMY: ??? HYT: Are you naked? AMY: No, but with PAULLO here, that could change very quickly. Jealous? HYT: No, just curious. Did Paulo bring the flour? AMY: The flour, for what? HYT: To roll you around in and find the wet spot? AMY: Oh cute, like that joke isn't 200 years old, like everything else about you. Just because I'm not artificially enhanced like those porn sluts you obsess over, doesn't make me fat. I am a normal woman of normal proportions. HYT: You're a fat ass AMY: And you're not? You really want to go there fatso? Still making fun of poor Sean Shannon? LOL, that's the pot calling the kettle black, boy. HYT: Oh don't even TRY to make up a lie like THAT!! AMY: Oh it's no lie Blimpie...you gained about 100 pounds since I dumped YOU. HYT: NononononoNO AMY: Yes, everyone knows it. 50 pounds in your gut and 50 pounds in that swelled head of yours. You REALLY think you are the "coolest thing on the Net?" You really think you are the King? HYT: I know I am. AMY: And you don't see how absolutely PATHETIC that is? HYT: Yes I do..THAT'S THE WHOLE POINT!!! AMY: No, the whole point is that in real life, you are this pathetic little man who is desperately fueling his ego by portraying himself as this super cool Internet King. I'm here to say that the EMPEROR HAS NO CLOTHES!!!!!! HYT: I'm the King, not the Emperor AMY: You're a joke and everyone knows it.. I said my peace. I can go if you want HYT: Oh no darling, we're not through just yet. We have some recapping to do. AMY: I could just leave you know, just turn this IBM off and go play with my REAL man....instead of the loser I USED to play with. HYT: Keep your Father out of this. AMY: Oh that's funny. Incest humor, nice. HYT: Part of the deal was I would let you have your say, then you will have to recap with me. If you leave, I'll have no choice but to write as you.....do you REALY want me to do that? AMY: God No. Unlike you, I KEEP my promises. I'll stay. HYT: Attagirl. AMY: Are you drunk this week? Or are you trying to quit again? HYT: I have quit for the time being AMY: HA!! Won't last. Frigging lush. HYT: Honey, I needed it after dealing with you for....oh forget it. How about a truce so we can get through this and go on with our lives. AMY: That sounds lovely. Let's get this crap OVER with. This column NEEDS a REAL woman's touch for once. Instead of the half man, half girl touch YOU always put into it. HYT: Is ragging on my manhood the best thing you got? AMY: No, there is your homophobia, you fat gut, you ugly face, you're ugly outlook....shall I go on? HYT: No, let's space it out. People must REALLY be itching for a recap right about now. AMY: THEN LET'S GO!! HELL. This is taking forEVER HYT: Okay, first we recap what happened on RAW, you have the tape ready right? AMY: Yes, I taped both shows. HYT: Good, and you are a wrestling fan right? AMY: Yes, being force fed it every Monday by you kind of made it grow on me after a while. I NEVER get the PPV's but I do enjoy watching it on Mondays. Paulo does too. HYT: Let's knock off the Paulo references. Before I go beat the sh*t out of him. AMY: HA!! Go ahead and try it loser...he'll f*ck your life UP. HYT: yeah, sure. AMY: Such a jealous boy...get a life Chris, it's OVER!!!! HYT: Amy, sweet pea..may I point out that YOU are the one who keeps reading MY column. YOU are the one who should get over it. AMY: Oh I AM over it stud, I'm not the one getting drunk and calling you in the middle of the night am I? HYT: sigh..momentary lapse of weakness, no more. AMY: Yeah, you have a lot of those don't you? You're whole LIFE is defined by momentary lapse of weaknesses HYT: I THOUGHT WE CALLED A TRUCE??? AMY: We did. But if you start, then I finish. It's high time someone took you down a peg. It's only fitting that a little old GIRL is the one who does it. HYT: Night's young Onion breath, night's YOUNG AMY: Too bad you're not, old man HYT: You piece of....oh Jesus, let's just get this over with. AMY: My thoughts exactly. HYT: RAW IS WAR (or Why did I let her do this?) -opens with a brief little clip of Martin Luther King Jr. Vince McMahon's voice-over declares "LONG LIVE THE DREAM". Nice to see him acknowledge Dusty Rhodes like that....BECAUSE THE AMERICAN DREAM RULES BABY!!!!!! AMY: I think he was referring to MLK, Einstein HYT: I'm aware of that, Braniac. T'was a simple joke AMY: Very simple. Why is a WRESTLING show with like 4 BLACK wrestlers out of 100 talking about Mr. King? HYT: Respect maybe? AMY: Oh, okay. HYT: Actually, I smell Teddy Long's handiwork. AMY: I have no idea what that means. HYT: Of course you wouldn't my little cherub....of course you wouldn't -opening theme -Lawler starts things off by saying that "Stone Cold" Steve Austin has NO CHANCE IN HELL of winning the Royal Rumble. AMY: Why did you yell that? HYT: Punctuation effect darling, if you knew anything about anything... AMY: I JUST ASKED A SIMPLE QUESTION, GOD AREN'T YOU TESTY!!! HYT: Now YOU'RE yelling. AMY: Just get on with it please. HYT: heh, score one for the MAN......... -Lawler's comments lead right to glass breaking.... -And out comes Austin, here to make up for lost time and sell the crap out of a PPV which is only a week away. AMY: DUH...isn't that, like, his JOB??? -Michael Cole wants to interview him. Austin yanks the mic away and talks about some stuff. Most notably Mankind's title win, The Royal Rumble, Vince McMahon, and the Bounty on his head. AMY: By the way, why are you such an assh*le to put a bounty on an Announcer's head for simply doing his job? On his DAUGHTER too? HYT: Hey stretch pants, that's over in the NITRO recap....this is RAW...R...A...W...okay? AMY: Oh? Was I premature? One would think YOU of all people would understand about being PREMATURE. HYT: Try to stay on topic dear AMY: Take my head off why don'tcha, God. -Anyway it was a quick interview....he wrapped up...then guzzled a beer on top of the Announcer's desk. MY: Quick huh? Story of YOU'RE....nevermind HYT: Go ahead, finish the joke that's getting old already AMY: No, nothing. Forget it. HYT: You've been on top of a few Announcer's desks in you're time haven't you? AMY: Oh, I'm sure the readers are cracking up now. You're cool guy armor is cracking Chrissy. You're starting to sweat. HYT: Baby, I'm just getting warmed up AMY: Bring it on cooky. I'm getting into this now. -Cole and Lawler talk up the night's events. No point in mentioning them now since We will cover them later AMY: Lazy ass -Backstage we see Road Dog stomping around, looking for something. AMY: I hope he's looking for a decent hair stylist, that "Prison look" is stupid. HYT: Thank you for that sparkling wit, Ms. "Rat's Nest on My GOOD Days" AMY: Like you could do any better. We are barely into it and you are already all shook up HYT: Not as much as those titties you got sagging. Every time you move they do the Mambo AMY: Nice try, Spice boy -commercials -Road Dog comes out doing his little routine and pulling a mini trash dumpster filled with all sorts of nifty stuff. AMY: "nifty"? -Shut up. He grabbed the mic, and pointed out that even though he isn't "Buffy", he damn sure is going to be a "Vampire Slayer" tonight. AMY: That show is the BOMB -Thank you Amy for that pointless observation, I'd send you to the NWWWO for work, but I shut them down months ago. AMY: Yeah right, you did that...uh huh. More ego inflating from the Michelin Tire Man -Then Road Dog did his little rant.. Amy, if you can be civil for a second, what do you think of DX? AMY: Bad Ass....yum yum. X-Pac is too scruffy and skinny. HHH is too......MUCH of everything. Road Dog is like you Chris, old and tired looking. HYT: Can't get through one sentence without an insult huh? AMY: It's why I'm here dude. I'll leave if you want. HYT: No, no.....stay. I'm not through with you just yet. -Gangrel came out. Road Dog attacked from behind just as he was about to guzzle and spit his blood. I'm sure Amy has no comment here, seeing how she doesn't spit out a damn thing. AMY: F*ck you -Heh he...anyway....Road Dog started to bleed. It may have been juice, or it was from the Goblet. AMY: Either way, it was GROSS! -Sizzling commentary as always, my dear ex. Lawler hit an unintentionally funny line when he said, "Speaking of nuts, did I mention that Pat Patterson and Gerald Brisco will be taking on Chyna later tonight?"...now and forever, nobody can say anything even REMOTELY NEAR a reference to the groin and Pat Patterson without making a whole legion of Mop-Up readers perk up their ears like dogs. AMY: Oh yeah, you're so cool Chris. Can I be you're girlfriend again PLEASE??? HYT: You wish. AMY: Sarcasm numbnuts, try it sometimes. Oh, right..you do. Badly, but you do. -The match broke out into the seats, of course. Back into the ring, a table came into play. Cole wisely pointed out for the Amys of the world that they would not be playing cards. on the table. AMY: Now we know why you don't get paid for this. -Gangrel powerbombed Doggy on the table. Road Dog grabbed another one and set it up outside. In a THRILLING sequence, he gave Gangrel an elbow, a Double Legdrop, and a top rope elbow smash while the table was outside. AMY: How can wrestling be fake? That stuff HAS to hurt. HYT: Geeze Amy, that was a great point...for once. AMY: Thank you. And what's the Dilly on Gangrel's teeth? HYT: They are real, he had those caps put on AMY: Get out? HYT: It's true. AMY: Whoa -Much as I'd like to continue hearing you ohh and ahh about his dentures, we have to move along. After two huge chair shots, Road Dog beat Gangrel and kept the strap. I am really liking this Hardcore title. They are showing me that they know exactly what to do with it. Should Terry Funk ever come back, I'd like to see him wear the strap for a run. AMY: Well, of course you like the Hardcore title. HYT: sigh...I'm afraid to ask AMY: Well, you are such a coward in real life, you vicariously live through these rough and tumble matches. HYT: Amy..... AMY: Yes Chrissy? HYT: Grrrr......never mind. AMY: Good boy, just run away from any sort of challenge, you haven't changed a bit. -Backstage, we see Austin drinking a beer and planning the next 12 t-shirts he'll launch upon us to put more billions in his pockets. AMY: Coming from Chris "Minimum Wage 4 Life" Hyatte, you're bitterness doesn't surprise me. HYT: Oh Amy, how many free movies and dinners has that chooch of yours bought anyway? AMY: hey, they want it, they have to PAY for it. That's the AMERICAN WAY. Good old fashioned Capitalism, no wonder you hate it. HYT: I'll be nice and skip the fact that you just admitted to being a HO and move along AMY: I didn't....oh sh*t, I didn't mean for it to come out like...... HYT: TOO LATE WE'RE FRESH OUT OF PAGE.....BOOYAAA Chris Hyatte
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