Nitro Mop Up ... by Chris Hyatte
Read the RAW recap first...2/3/99
Mop-Up Nitro
Hey!!! Now that WCW is competing with RAW with a more “action oriented, let’s-bring-it-back-to-old-school” wrestling format...maybe they can develop a new slogan!!! A new CATCHPHRASE!!! Wait a second...it’s coming to me....how abooooout...
WCW: We WRESTLE!!!!!!!
Sounds like a keeper to me!
NITRO (or Hey...Benoit jobs TWICE...Sullivan still has some stroke)
-opens with a shot of Curt (Uh oh, stubbed my toe...there goes the knee) Hennig and Barry (I’ll job to Johnny Swinger...I don’t care...just don’t make me the Stalker again) Windham, planning and plotting about some mid card nonsense.
-Tony Schiavone, Mike Tenay, and Larry Zbyszko welcome us to the ALWAYS live and the ALWAYS sold out Nitro. This week, they are at the Target Center in Minneapolis, Minnesota. Tony claims that Hennig is looking for a little “Wolfpack payback”, Tenay calls the two a very “formidable team” for the WCW World Tag Team Tournament. (Yeah, well we’ll see what Judy Bagwell has to say about THAT...heh...the old bag has a FEW more tricks up her sleeve by God)
-Tony readies us for some upcoming footage. “Be prepared!” Tony admonishes, “for what possibly could be the SICKEST, MOST DISGUSTING SIGHT EVER RECORDED ON TAPE IN TELEVISION HISTORY!!!!”
-We see the Nitro Girls rehearsing........My GOD!!! TONY’S RIGHT!!! IT IS SICK!!!!!
-Oh....wait.....that wasn’t what he meant.
-In the shot, the Nitro Girls finish their routine. One of them has the NERVE to say that it was good. Then Scott Steiner comes out and makes a muscle with his arm....Kimberly takes a step back and trips over one of her girls, who is on her hands and knees. She hits the ground and one of her manufactured titties boinks her on the head. She’s out cold, Steiner runs away, and the other girls stand around looking like deer caught in the headlights of the Common Sense Police car. Nobody seems to know what to do.....except for AC Jazz, who used to be a Neurologist but gave it all up for the glamour and fame of being a Showgirl for the trailer park set. AC started to drill into Kimberly’s brain to relieve the pressure as Chae went looking for Goldberg to administer last rites.
-Tony had barely enough time to call Kimberly’s bump THE SICKEST, MOST BRUTAL THING HE HAS EVER SEEN IN ALL HIS YEARS OF WATCHING THIS GREAT SPORT OF OURS!!!!! Then he called Mick Foley a pussy.
-Mean Gene Okerlund was in the ring......he brought out......oh great....k-dawg......
-...yippee
-AND Rey Misterio Jr....I KNEW this North American Free Trade Agreement was a bad idea....but did they listen to me?? NO!!!!
-K-Dink was wearing a shirt that held the nombre “187”...which of course meant, that someone was going to die........oooo, I hope it it’s not Nash, I still like that arrogant dickhead.
-Rey was wearing an “LWO” t-shirt......I still haven’t figured that one out yet.
-Konnan wanted to “speak on dis”.......and so he did....
-He sent a “shout out” to “DJ Quick”..........I have never been so happy to be white as I am
right now.
-Then Rey Jr said that Luger won’t be getting his mask anytime soon, and that his masked meant everything to him because of some ridiculous tradition that means nothing to anyone outside Mexico City.
-The little prick also said that Konnan “dropped the knowledge” to him about Nash and Luger so he now knows how to beat them.......try not to laugh.
-Then Konnan said something about robbing banks, thug life, yo yo yo-ing, and...and....I
honestly can’t tell you...I must be getting old, it all went over my head.....why can’t he
just do the “Moonwalk” and be done with it?
-In the end, they challenge Luger and Nash to a “Mask vs Hair” match at Superbrawl....Rey’s mask vs the hair of either Nash, Luger, or even Elizabeth.......if Konnan loses, he has turn himself into INS.
-NWO B-team silliness. they are at the airport...they DON’T have a car, they have a car, Vincent is left behind, Vincent has a ride with the A-team, (Nash, Luger, Bagwell, Hall...not Mr. T, George Peppard, and Dwight Shultz).....it’s the B-team...who gives a fu**?
-opening theme
-The Nitro Girls, DESPITE the trauma that they went through earlier tonight, DESPITE the loss of one of their own, DESPITE their lack of co-ordination...put smiles on their faces and DANCE through their pain...GOD BLESS THOSE KIDS!!!! DO IT FOR KIMBERLY!!!!
-I heard Kimberly will be gone for a few weeks....anyone else thinking facelift?
-First hour fireworks go off.
-Backstage and outside, Flair makes Bischoff sit in a dunking booth and letting WCW employees enact some revenge on him for keeping food on their tables and roofs over their heads.....let’s hang the bastard!
-He’s in a dunking booth....outside....in Minneapolis....in the WINTER!!! Ballsy move...I must say......bet’cha the water is heated tho’
-Bet’cha the devious Erich has some way of outsmarting Flair and making his presence felt in the main event...because he’s so CRAFTY....oooo, oooo.....he is such a GENIUS!!!
-Tony and his boys giggle over Flair’s torturing....Larry is too lazy to get up., so he just
waved to his....(yeah right) fans.
-footage from last week where Stevie Ray did his best Rock impression, then everyone beat up Hennig.....my favorite is when Crush screamed, “WHAT ARE YOU DOING?? HE IS LIKE A BROTHER TO US!!” ...then proceeded to pound the stuffing out of Hennig’s back.
-Only in wrestling would getting hit on the back be enough to knock someone out.....unless it’s “Star Trek” and Admiral Decker is beating up some red shirt.....(remember Matt, Vulcan’s NEVER bluff)
-Curt Hennig and Barry Windham make their way to the ring. Hennig is sporting a nice tan........rehab be DAMNED, it’s time to hit the booths.
-Chris Benoit and Dean Malenko came to the ring...neither of them looked happy to be there...and why should they? KIMBERLY PAGE IS LYING AT DEATH’S DOOR AND THEY WERE EXPECTED TO WRESTLE?????????
-Before the bell, Windham started to lecture Benoit on tradition.....Benoit cooly reminded
“BW” that he is currently humping “Woman”......Windham was left speechless....after all,
humping Woman is as traditional as it gets.
-So the match gets going. If WCW is REALLY serious about being a more “wrestling” oriented show to compete with Vince’s circus..then they should let Benoit and Malenko win the whole tourney, including a definitive win against Hall and Nash...these two guys can really work..
-of course it won’t happen, because Nash runs the books.
-AND...Nash hates to lose...
-AND...Benoit winning a WCW belt on nationwide TV is about as believable as Patterson reading an issue of “Playboy” and getting a hardon...
-and THAT, my friends, is the obligatory PATTERSON REFERENCE IN THE NITRO MOP-UP.....Thank you all......Good NIGHT!!!!!!
-By the way, I want to thank all of you who voted for me in Gagnon’s Internet Wrestling Writer tournament.....I won the whole thing.....beating NoSoul, BOTH Wrestlemaniacs, and even the HOST of the tourney himself. Needless to say, I am blown away. Thank you all......not that you had any other choice......I AM the King after all.
-by the way again, this match was SO INTENSE, SO ACTION PACKED, SO FEVERISH!!! They had to take a....
-commercial...
-...break to finish it up. During the break, Hennig had emergency Orthoscopic surgery on his knee so he could finish the match.....AC Jazz performed it.
-We see Scott Dickinson in the arena watching the match.....how he could afford the plane tickets as well as the front row seats to these Nitro events while being suspended without pay is beyond me....
-Scott Dickinson really is an ugly man isn’t he? He redefines the word “homely” doesn’t
he?
-I, of course, look like Brad Pitt with a 9 inch pecker.......ahem
-Why does Windham keep that denim vest on anyway? Is that Bischoff’s idea of “gimmick”??
-Did I spell “denim” right? Is it “denum”??? No, it’s “denim”.
-Hennig ended up winning with the “HennigPlex”...which is NOTHING LIKE the “Perfect Plex”....for starters, the “PerfectPlex” is melded into one word while the “Hennig Plex” is more properly split up into two.......just another example of Bischoff’s genius and Vince’s ineptitude.
-Oh yeah, Benoit took the pin......so we can expect at least 6 more weeks of Winter
-Outside, we see JJ Dillon trying to dunk Bischoff. Even though he is standing about 5 feet away from the target, “Rocket” Dillon can’t seem to get his balls in the hole........(oddly enough, that is pretty much the reason why I can’t keep a girlfriend either). On his last attempt, he missed everything.....
-but that didn’t stop some WCW hillbilly from hitting a button about 2 seconds too late and sent Bischoff into the water. Let’s give the dickhead credit, even though the water had to be heated...it was awfully cold out there.
-Shot of the NWO pulling in......with the B-Team pulling in next to them. Stevie Ray grabbed Nash and started to bitch about Vincent having a job in WCW for doing nothing. Nash mumbled something about not giving a hoot. Then Vince came out and really was mumbling....Norton waited for his cue, then stepped in between them to break it up. A white man breaking up a dispute between two black men??? SOMEONE CALL BILL COSBY!!!!!!
-commercials
-Stevie Ray, Crush, Norton, and Horace discovered a set of “Ho’s” waiting for them in their locker room.....I wonder what Bob Ryder has to say about that?
-What? Will I be edited for THAT???? IT WAS A SIMPLE, NON OFFENSIVE...NON LITIGIOUS QUESTION!!!!!!!!! WILL SOMEBODY GROW A SET OF BALLS OVER HERE PLEASE????? JESUS CHRIST ALLMIGHTY!!!!!!!!
-shit from last week where Hogan was whipping Benoit because that’s how things work around here.
-Mean Gene calls out Ric Flair for a chat....RAW must be getting close to coming on.
-Ric assures us that Uncle Eric will be getting wet tonight....duuuh
-Gene dumbly asks Flair how Benoit is doing after Hogan whipped the Canadian Crap out of him last week......(wanna know the difference between American crap and Canadian crap?? There is NONE!! Because we are all human beings made out of the same basic components....it sickens me that people feel the need to generalize other people simply based on race, color, creed, or nationality. We are ALL on this crazy blue orb called Earth and we had BEST START LEARNING TO GET ALONG!!!!! DAMN YOU PEOPLE!!!! BLATANT RACIAL STEREOTYPES WILL NOT BE A PART OF THE
NEW MOP-UP 99........I GUARENTEE !!! )
-Hey, how about those Jews huh? Why do they have to own EVERYTHING??
-Meanwhile, Flair was busy pointing out the obvious by saying that the NWO was a stable divided.....of course, he forgot to point out that all the BLACK members of the group were on the SHORT end of the NWO stick.....Southern BASTARDS!!!!!!
-And Flair showed how much he pays attention to certain things by calling Vincent Virgil”......which is the biggest flub since DiBiase almost said that he would lead ythe
Steiners to the “WORLD WRESTLING FEDER....ooops....TAG TEAM TITLES”!!
-Just a reminder, if Ted Turner had his way....the SOUTH would have won the Civil War and ALL the white people would own slaves. That is NOT me saying this..this is common sense. I do NOT support slavery of ANY KIND.....
-nor does SCOOPS....I think......never really asked them about it......subject never came up really.
-What does all this mean? Easy..if you root for ANYTHING THAT TED TURNER OWNS!!! Then you root for slavery!!! PERIOD!!
-Go BRONCOS!!!!!!!!!
-Then Flair sold his SuperBrawl match against Hogan.....I SWEAR..this will be the FIRST PPV match between Flair and Hogan that I will be seeing. I, for one, can’t wait....even though I know that under Bischoff’s rule, the match will suck in some way...but I’m still looking forward to it.
-Then Flair said that Bret Hart can push that “documentary elsewhere”.....he was defending his US belt against Chris Benoit at Superbrawl...and Benoit would “bring the title back to where it belongs....(WHAT!?!?!? BACK TO CANADA???? THE UNITED F’K’N’ STATES TITLE?!?!?!?!?!?! THAT...THAT.....THAT COMMIE BASTA......)
-oh right.....it’s the MOP-UP 99........ GO GET ‘E, CHRIS..BRING IT BACK.....ugh....HOME!!!
-Scott Hall came out during Flair’s tirade...with Disco Inferno in tow...Hall gave a little
“Hey Yo”...which made the crowd pop.
-Hall asked Flair if Benoit gets a title shot because he “washes his car” .....which, in
reality, pretty much describes EXACTLY how the push system in WCW works...really.
-One thing led to Sally Strothers and.....Hall was to take on Benoit tonight for that US
title shot at Superbrawl.
-I am so drunk now.....it’s a miracle I can see the computer screen......*hic*
-HEY!!!!! I am the ID of SCOOPS....F-you
-Ahhh....one GOOD thing about a 3 hour Nitro? We get Kenny Kaos against Van Hammer!!!!!
-Why is that good you ask??
-Easy, because I get to IGNORE IT!!!!!!
-By the way...THIS is the match they choose to go with as RAW went on the air...is it any wonder they are getting killed in the ratings?
-Alas....I cannot IGNORE IT!! Because THIS is when the (copywritedbyECWsoyouKNOWthatHeymanwillnotbelettingBischoffusethenameanytime soon) Sandman showed up wrapped in Barbed wire (THAT is family entertainment??) and brandishing his “Singapore Cane”. He took out Hammer (YAYYY) and Kaos (Couldn’t care less), then grabbed the mic and immediately tried to make us forget about those clips of him and Raven hanging out in his palatial estate with his Moms.....instead, the Sandman started in on how he INVENTED the barbed wire match (Didn’t some Japanese dude do that match back in the 80’s???) and how it PISSES him off when some people tries to take credit for his work.......
-somewhere in America, Kevin J. Podiatrist (like I know how it’s spelled for real) heard
that, took his printed copies of the Mop-Up....burned them...and started to scream ream,
“AMEN BROTHER..SPEAK FOR ALL OF US....I STARTED THE IDEA OF A HUMOROUS RECAP!!!! HYATTE SUCKS, HYATTE SUCKS, HYATTE SUCKS!!!!!!! Yeah, okay pal, you haven’t produced anything in
years.....just sit back and keep your mouth shut as I show you how it’s done....and be thankful that I finally decided to put your name in here.....even though nobody remembers you
-Anywhoo, even though this was all just a little F-YOU to Mick Foley, the Sandman was
calling out Bam Bam Bigelow......meanwhile, Tony Schiavone acted as if he NEVER SEEN OR HEARD OF THIS MAN BEFORE IN HIS LIFE!!!!!! (you know, at least Jim Ross reminded us that the Blue Meanie was once in ECW.....)
-I always get a kick out of people who run out of breath before they finish their
sentence....”Let’s see them come to the ring with barbed wire wrapped around thaaaam”
DEEP BREATH
-Then the Sandman (until Bischoff can come up with a better name that is reflective of “Sandman”, but not quite......how about “Mr. Sleepy”?) demanded that Bam Bam BAgelow get his ass out there to show who is really hardcore ‘round these parts...
-too bad most fans had turned to RAW by now...they waited too long.....hoping that
Hammer/Kaos would keep us riveted to our screens...alas...alas
-the Sandman, showing that he didn’t see a SINGLE SECOND of WCW while he waited to appear.....screamed that he watched as Bigelow hunted both Goldberg and KEVIN NASH when he came to WCW..........watta maroon.
-so, he called out Bigelow...refusing to leave the ring until fatso came out.....Tony desperately tried to keep our interests going as he rifled us off to some....
-commercials
-Bigelow came out (exactly WHEN did he sign a WCW contract anyway???) and Tony screamed, “We may not know where this TOTAL STRANGER came from, but Bigelow apparently does” (I am SERIOUSLY thinking about raising the bounty on Tony’s head......if he keeps this crap up)...and they start going right at it...
-Tenay, “Talk about being hardcore. Talk about being Extreme. It APPEARS as if these two have crossed PATHS before!!!”.....does Tenay have any children that we can hurt?
-Even though I really don’t have to say this, Tony pretending never to hear of this guy is
A TOTAL AND COMPLETE INSULT TO ALL WRESTLING FANS WORLDWIDE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-Do you see now? Do you understand why I would place a bounty on Schiavone’s CHILD????? THIS FU**ING IDIOT NEEDS TO BE TAUGHT A LESSON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-Of course...let’s face it...none of you has the balls to go through with it.......ya bunch of
pussies.
-The Sandman grabs the Barbed Wire...Tony predicts that this will be “ gruesome”.....Zbyszko claims to not being able to watch this....
-Tony IMPLORES parents everywhere to make sure their “youngters” are not watching this.......I can hear millions of TV’s being flicked to USA to watch Mark Henry being gang raped by a horde of transvestites. FAMILY ENTERTAINMENT BABY!!!! GOOOOD BLESS AMERICAAAA...LAND THAT I LOOOOOVE!!! STAND BESIDE HEEEER AND GUIIIIIDE HEEEER!!!!!! THROUGH THE LIGHT AND THE LIFE
FROM ABOOOOOOOOOOOVE!!!!
-Tony, “This has turned into one of the WILDEST FIGHTS WE HAVE EVER WITNESSSED IN THE LONG LONG HISTORY OF ENTERTAINMENT WRESTLING!!!!!!!!!!!” Then he re-iterated that Mick Foley was a pussy.
-Then Bigelow won with a pin.......t’was amazing how Schiavone spent the whole match
getting away from coming up with a name for this guy.
-Outside....a cameraman tried to tag Bischoff....the 5 foot distance proved too much for this hick......why he can hit his Sister’s gloryhole but NOT the dunk trigger is beyond me.
-NWO clip with Luger and Elizabeth talking about how happy they are to be in the NWO...I STILL can’t tell the difference between Luger the Face and Luger the Heel.
-commercials
-The Nitro Girls dance through the pain.......us fans have to sit through it and take it.
-Scott Dickinson tries his hand at Bischoff’s Dunking Booth....he looks like every Geek ass father in the world who never picked up a baseball in his life until his son reached the age of 7.
-The Announcers talked about the EVIL that is Scott Steiner.....
-”Diamond” Dallas Page was backstage....Kidman ratted on Steiner and his actions towards Kimberly.....DDP went stomping off to find the studhorse....
-He finally found the NWO locker room...he slammed the door behind him and the camera...
-Thank GOD another camera was in the room and caught all the drama as Page demanded to know where Steiner was....Nash, Bagwell, Vincent, and (I think) Norton pleaded ignorance.....Page threatened them all with a dreaded bang...then stormed off...
-Then Scott Steiner came out of a back room and asked what was up.....a feminine hand
felt up his chest....it was supposed to be Kimberly.....of course, there weren’t enough
Liver spots to fully support the sell.....but what the Hell.
-Then Nash sent Vincent out to get page to give him the Diamond Cutter....of course that’s not exactly what he told him to do....but you know the score here.
-So Vince went out and told Disco Inferno to do what he was ordered to do.....isn’t this sort of how the Vietnam Conflict got started?
-Meanwhile, Page hit the ring and demanded that Scott Steiner come out......he is JACKED UP
-DINF came out....it took around 20 seconds for A: A Superbrawl match to be announced..and B: the Diamond Cutter to be applied...Page also used the F word....the censors caught it....if I had children, they would be traumatized for life.
-Backstage, the Wolfpack pretend to criticize Vincent for passing the buck on...then end up complimenting him.......I’m just glad the guy has a job....and he’s not wrestling full time.
-Page is in the lot, driving away.......one can only pray he ain’t coming back.
-commercials
-Lash Leroux took on Kidman.....the best part was Kidman’s theme song.
-Bobby Heenan refused to throw a ball at Bischoff’s dunk trigger...but slipped and made him go in anyway....figure it out.
-Hogan and Chuck Zito were talking about how tough they were in a Limo.....I have no idea what this proves.
-commercials
-Gene Okerlund conveniently spotted Booker T in the hallway in dress shirt and tie.....I’m not sure what this proved either.
-Scott Steiner and Buff Bagwell came to the ring. Steiner said that we all were “mesmormized by his body........especially Kimberly, who went down on him harder than any James Cameron film.....
-After the speech, Heenan cracked me up by saying, “Tony, he’s got them all mesmormized!!”....nice to see Bobby getting a good one off for once.
-commercials
-Chris Jericho came out with Ralphus.....who looks EXACTLY like a certain web guy whom I can’t name because it would get edited by SCOOPS, which I am still cheerfully going along with even though I am getting quite sick of this and I may have to have another staff meeting like I did a couple of weeks ago and get everyone mad again.
-Jericho ain’t speaking into the mic......Jericho ain’t winning either.....such is the difference between those who SIGN contracts and those who DON’T......it’s not nice to mess with Uncle Eric.
-Steiner won....natch.....Saturn helped by coming out in dress (so we will REMEMBER him) and knocked Jericho around a little
-clip from MAD TV where Bret Hart attacked a Jesse Ventura lookalike.....the amazing thing was that I didn’t even know MAD TV was still on the air.
-commercials
-One of those damn Nitro Girls had a spotlight danced in shadows......it was FYRE.......Tony had to go douse his pants with WYTER. I had to go drink another WHYSKEY.
-commercials
-Luger, Nash and Elizabeth came to the ring....they offered the chick’s hair up as a stipo
for the Superbrawl match.......which pretty much booked out the match before it even
began...looks like Bischoff finally coughed up the pesos to get Rey’s mask off.
-commercialsChris Hyatte
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