Nitro Mop Up ... by Chris Hyatte

Last and certainly least...2/3/99 Mop-Up (cont) -Ernest “the Cat” Miller has no business working in the third hour...but there he was... -David Pinzer told us to call Miller the “Greatest of All Time”....I’m sor..he..ry, but that distinction STILL goes to none other than the UNPREDICTABLE JOHNNY RODZ!!!!!!!!!!!!....sorry. -Miller offered anyone to come on out for a jam.....I dare say he was begging someone... -In the locker room, the NWO told Norton that Miller had called him out.......Norton claimed that Miller wasn’t a Japanese dude, so he wasn’t innerrested...they talked him into it anyway....then laughed as he took off. -Norton came out...Miller said that he didn’t want him to beat on, but he’ll do it anyway... -oh just guess who won...just guess....and go f-yourselves too. -The WHITE MAN WON.....WELCOME TO WCW!!!!!!!! -Bastards. -I have had more than enough of the Nitro Girls. -commercials -Mean Gene called out Goldberg...... -Goldberg came out.....WCW made it a point to show fans chanting his name in unison with the piped in chanting.. -Along his way to the ring, Goldberg spotted a man, well in his 30’s, looking desperate..he lumbered over to the gentleman and quizzically asked what was wrong....the man said that he lost his job as a City contractor 6 months ago, and since his unemployment was running out, he was growing very nervous about being able to feed his family and pay his mortgage.....Goldberg smiled, layed a big paw over his his..and started to concentrate. A BILLION facial ticks exploded on his face...the man gasped, he shimmered, he did the hippy hippy shake...... -Then Goldberg took his hand away...the man looked at Goldberg, then looked down....dropping out of his overstuffed pockets like fish and bread out of a basket was dozens and dozens of HUNDRED DOLLAR BILLS!!!!!! GOLDBERG CREATED MONEY OUT OF THIN AIR AND GAVE THE MAN ENOUGH MONEY TO SUPPORT HIS FAMILY FOR THE NEXT TEN YEARS!!!!!!!! THE ALL MIGHTY HEBREW HAD DONE IT AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GOD BLESS GOLDBERG!!!!!! -The man started to pick up the money. He screamed, “OH THANK YOU GOVERNOR VENTURA!!!!!!! NOW WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT MEDICARE????” Goldberg stared at the man for a second.....twisted his mouth into a sneer, and HAMMERED the man on top of his head so hard that he was FORCED into the concrete up to his waist.....rat bastard...GOLDBERG is the ORIGINAL bald man with a mustache...butthead should learn his wrestlers before he opens his mouth again.... -Oh yes, Goldberg also collected all the money he created for the man and pocketed it.... -To be honest, I fast forwarded through Goldberg’s interview.......I’m sure you can figure out what threats he laid upon whom. -commercials -Hey kids, Flair dunked Bischoff....Bischoff promised the “last laugh for tonight”...then asked where Flair’s kid was tonight.....I smell dramatic foreshadowinnnnnnng -Michael Buffer told us that the winner of this next match would face Bret “The Hitman” Clark.....that Hart guy is a total pussy....Clark is the REAL “Excellence of Execution” -Scott Hall came out.....DINF was in tow -Benoit came out...knowing full well that he ain’t winning shit tonight. -Bret Hart joined the announcers...Mike Tenay took off to enjoy his post match Sea Breeze(s) a wee bit early.....Bret said hello to his cat “Smoky” and wished him in chasing down that damned Bandit. -Mongo quickly walked out to knock around DINF...who made early trouble. -Lucky for us, the cameras followed Mongo and DINF backstage. We even saw Mongo toss DINF in the Horsemen dressing room (which was the same room that the NWO used) and shut the door before Arn Anderson could rape DINF with that tire iron of his......(such behavior will NOT be shown on WCW television......because Bischoff knows, deep down, that we all are DISGUSTED with the idea of mature themes) -commercials -The match continued.....then Nash showed up, but Benoit knocked him around a little...Hall still won though, because that’s how things are done around here. -The show ends with Hogan and Chuck Zito getting ready to go get David Flair, with Poppa Flair looking on the TV screen.....stupid, stupid, stupid. -STUPID!!!!! I would have given it to Nitro...but that was STUPID!!! Besides, they may be heading towards a more wrestling oriented wrestling show...but this week wasn’t exactly a shining example of it.....people say Nitro was a strong outing this week..I say that NO Nitro can be strong when Lash Leroux gets a title shot against anyone. Sorry, I’m going with RAW this week. F-You very much. So, what can we do this week for a closer.....let me see....ummm.......oh crap, I’ll have to cheap out of it...I’m tired. In celebration of being a member of the NIELSEN FAMILY next week, how’s about I share with you some of my thoughts about the 1998-1999 Television season so far.... -I am really enjoying the “X-Files” this year.....and these next two episodes should be rocking. It probably their last year, so all the answers will be forthcoming. -”The Practice” is really cool. -So isn’t “Ally McBeal”....dammit. -The ONLY reason to watch “Melrose Place” is for Jamie Luner......the red head with the attitude. God, I want to do her doggy style. -Now that Christina Applegate ragged out on us......the hot chick of TV has to be Nikki Cox of “Unhappily Ever After”....she has got this set of boobs that are PORN worthy....too bad she’s going with Bobcat Goldthwait in real life...because her credibility is ruined now. -and watch the show with the sound off.....it really is horrible. -Ricky Shroeder blows.....they should’ve brought back Caruso -Why hasn’t anyone else pointed out the obvious on this? Dharma is a total mutt. -Nothing on MTV is of any interest to me anymore. -It’s time to put an end to 90201 -I still don’t get, nor will I ever get, “Dawson’s Creek”.....although they are MUCH more explicit than RAW can ever be. - “Sportsnight”, “Just Shoot Me”, “Newsradio”, and “Homicide” are MUST SEE shows. -Other than “Friends” and “ER”....Thursday nights on NBC is now horrible. -The “Pretender” looks like a total homo. -All the makeup in the world can’t hide the Profiler’s age -I can’t ever see myself watching “Charmed”.....because Shannon Dourety (whatever) isn’t getting better looking with age. -There is no better show on TV than Buffy.....there is no better show on cable TV than OZ.....but you knew that already. -I want to say this loud and clear....FELICITY SUCKS!!!!!!!!! -Thank God HBO will eventually run all the episodes of the “Sopranos” in a marathon later this year...because I can’t wait to see them. -If you are a guy with a family.....then Homer Simpson should be your GOD!!!!! -I’ll make this easy...watch both “60 Minutes” shows and you will automatically be smarter. -Watch Dateline NBC and you will be no smarter than you were before it started. You’ll only know how to ACT smarter... -Stern’s Saturday night show isn’t bad...it’s just not that good...not really. -Finally, if you find yourself up late at night and wide awake.....after spanking it to a nude fest on either Cinemax or Showtime....flip the dial between the Discovery Channel, A&E, or the Learning Channel....I SWEAR, there is something ALWAYS fascinating on one of those channels..usually more than one.....usually all three. Well, I’m gone...go be productive and try not to breath my valuable air. it’s important that I survive the onslaught.....you all are expendable....I have to live...and thrive...and reproduce.......send me your daughters...especially the big tittied ones.....no scrags please. This is Hyatte Chris Hyatte
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