Raw Mop Up ... by Chris Hyatte

Wait...what day is this?...2/3/99 “I hate to tell you this fact, but (NAME OF A WEB SITE THAT HAS BEEN TALKING ABOUT ME IN HOPES OF GETTING A MENTION AND SOME PRESS, SORRY FAGS, BUT I NEVER WAR WITH SITES THAT GET LESS READERS IN A WEEK THAT I DO IN A DAY) makes fun of you enough for me to read your stuff this week. You really have no talent. Your Mop-ups insinuate an underlining theme: you're a very insecure human being. It's common knowledge that your self-glorification is a defense mechanism. I'd suggest you stop trying to be interesting; try to be informative. Nobody takes you seriously anyway.” The Catfish Michael Keith Gotthardt gotthard@students.uiuc.edu Damn, I lost the Catfish as a reader....sh*t. For the record, I am Chris, this is the Mop-Up and nobody is SUPPOSED to take me seriously......duuuh.....besides, how would the Catfish know that NOBODY takes me seriously? Did he take a poll? Or did I miss the Planetary meeting when it was decided that the Catfish spoke for everyone? So...I took the week off.....big deal. You try coming up with the jizz after writing 57 PAGES OF HIGH QUALITY MATERIAL!!!! For God’s sakes. I DID write a small article expalining why I was gone this week complete with a mini closer and sent it to Al Isaacs for posting....he ignored it. I think he’s PISSED at me for speaking my mind two weeks ago about something that I can’t get into. Either that or he didn’t get the mini column. In any case, I’m back, it’s Wednesday and all’s right with the world. Let’s cover this quickly because I am in no mood for anything other than some breezing.....3 quick points I want to cover... 1: Of course I wrote the entire column two weeks ago.....do YOU have any ex-girlfriends who would be willing to spend that kind of time with you? Mine neither. If you liked it, fine...if you didn’t...fine....either way, you read it and gave me the hits...so HA!!! 2: The “Halftime Heat” match sucked.....I knew it was a bust when they had the balls to show a closeup of the Rock’s face as the fork lift came down on him...it brought to mind the infamous Harley Race/Jim Duggan brawl from the first Slammies......all I can remember about that was Race crashing into a table headfirst, Heenan looking dismayed with a dab of cream on his face, and those farm animals for no reason. Note to WWF, this is NOT the direction you want to go with you’re new attitude...okay? If you mix a little honest to goodness wrestling with the hijinks..we will NOT desert you for Nitro...I PROMISE. 3: The commercial rocked....except for the Undertaker, who looked as stiff as Patterson at an “In Synch” concert. I understand that the man has been there forever and deserves a spot in the commercial......but for Chrissakes people. And just like that, we are done wioth the opening notes.....let us proceed amiably, because I got things to do and none of it has anything to do with you... By the way.....you know the “famous person” who bought those Mark McGuire baseballs but has so far kept his name a secret anbd will reveal it during a press conference?? Well, the “famous person” is none other than Spawn creator TODD MCFARLANE!!! Don’t believe me? Just wait and see. Don’t care? F-YOU. RAW IS WAR (Howdy partner! I’m Pat and this is my six shooter!) -opens with Shane McMahon backstage with Shamrock, Bossman, and Test. Vince is busy working an angle in Texas trying to find clues as to who shot JFK.....(I blame the Undertaker..because he is so EVIL!!!!!) So once again, Shane is running the joint. Let’s see what trouble these scamps can get into. Oh, and Kane ain’t around because nobody wants to ride with him. -Bossman called Terri Runnels a “bitch”.....because she’s a woman....that’s all the excuse you really need......really. -opening theme -out comes the four goobers we just saw.....Michael Kole welcomes us to “Generic Arena” in Parts Unknown.......located just West of Utah....oddly enough. Lawler made the night’s first attempt to keep our fingers away from flipping to Nitro by reminding us that “all Hell broke loose” the last time Shane ran things solo........ -Shane sends the three wrestlers backstage, for no discernible reason other than to establish Chyna as a legit heel now....as we will soon see. -The story line goes that Vince is in Texas with Brisco and Patterson in search of Austin. Vince hopes to get Austin to do bodily harm to him, thus breaking the contract which keeps him in the WWF, thus causing his own career demise, thus sending him back to mid card status as “Stunning” Steve Austin in WCW, thus giving Nitro it’s ratings back, thus ruining pretty much everything they worked for....in other words, we have a better chance of seeing the Giant Baba come back for a farewell match....(which could very well happen, because it’s ALL A WORK DAMMIT!!!!!!!!! BABA’S DEATH, PILLMAN, HBK’S INJURY!!!...IT’S ALL A WORK!!!!! DO NOT BE FOOLED!!!!!!) -Shane then points out the cage high above, which will be lowered at the appropriate time and will hold a throwdown between Kane and Triple H. -The cage is lowered......and X-PAC IS RIDING ON TOP OF IT!!!! IT’S A SET UP SHANE....GET YOUR BOYS BACK HERE!!!!!! -backstage, we see the boys going at it with DX....so much for option A -Option B: RUN SHANE...RUN LIKE THE WIND DAMN YOU!!!!! -oh Damn...too late.....X-Pac is all over the punk like Dillenger on a Virgin sacrifice... -Chyna shows up.....dressed in silver instead of black.....kind of like Bischoff’s hairline!?!? -X-Pac munches on a low blow......he NEVER had to put up with this crap when he was in the NWO.....for God’s sakes. -Shane and Chyna doubleteam the little Paccerwood, then Chyna “comforted” Shane...cradling him in her arms.....Shane almost suffocates in her cleavage. -it’s the Superbowl spot...complete with the rave reviews it had gotten.....I still don’t get it. -commercials -Vincent K McMahon, Gerald (Ol’ Squinty) Brisco and “Hopalong” Patterson mosey into a Texas bar. Brisco and Pat are gussied up to look like cowpokes.....and you better believe Pat is looking to do a lil’ “poking”. The went to the bar and Vince asks “toots” if she has seen Steve Austin around. “Toots” says that she “reckons not” .....Vince gets all snotty with her. She picks up a bat and “reckons” that she may be forced to shove it somewhere where the sun ain’t gonna shine. Patterson’s hat jumps about 2 feet up in the air. Vince grabs them and leaves......Pat has time to ask where the nearest “Dude Ranch” is located before being whisked away. -Ken Shamrock stomps to the ring looking like someone just peed in his Captain Crunch...he joins the broadcast team. They don’t even bother to hide the screwjob ending to..... -Val Venis vs Bad Ass Billy Gunn........highlighted by the shot of Gunn mooning Venis, which has GOT to be in just about every gay porn video ever made. -decent romp, then Shamrock got involved........nobody in there likes anyone else. I’m still waiting for Venis to try his luck with Chyna.....can’t wait for THAT shower scene. -Mankind is busy spending the Rock’s $100’000. $487 of it went to renting out Max Mini for three days as a doll for his kids. Foley’s getting him cheap, Max usually charges Patterson about $2000 for one day......but then again, it’s highly unlikely that Foley’s kid will want Max to go “gerbiling” -commercials -The Rock is on the cell phone with Vince.....he’s fretting about Mankind spending all his hard earned cash. Vince blurts out that this is what Ted Turner must feel like. -Kevin Kelly talks to Deborah McMichael, who really does, but says she doesn’t take full credit for Hart and Jarrett winning the tag straps... -Then Mark Henry shows up and tries to get the whitest white girl since Marcia Brady to git jiggy with the “dark side”........somewhere in Minnesota, that blood vessel re-appeared on Mongo’s head....and started to throb. Funny thing is, Mongo wasn’t even watching RAW at the time....he just.....knew. -Jarrett and Hart attacked Henry -Mankind gives Kurrgan some money......I am so ashamed that I picked Kurrgan as the next Diesel. -commercials Chris Hyatte
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