Raw Mop Up ... by Chris Hyatte

It continues...2/3/99 Mop-Up RAW (cont) -Footage from when Terri Runnel’s lost her baby, courtesy of D-Lo Brown. -D-Lo and the PMS chicks come down to the ring. Terri wants him to make Bossman his “bitch” for tonight for the unHoly crime of him calling HER a “bitch”....... -D-Lo carefully explained to Terri that a WHITE former prison guard taking on his BLACK ass may cause some unneeded “flash backs”.... -Terri candidly reminded D-Lo that he killed her kid. -D-Lo cautiously informed Terri that Southern boys with nightsticks don’t take kindly to brothers whose names rhyme with “Kilo” -Terri frankly blurted out that D-Lo butchered her unborn child. -D-Lo nervously pointed out that the Bossman still hasn’t gotten over the whole “OJ thing” -Terri sternly yelled that D-Lo “TOOK A HUMAN LIFE BEFORE IT COULD HAVE ONE SINGLE DREAM!!!!!!!” -D-Lo said, “Oh all right....damn Girl” -Bossman kicks some ass, country style....I wonder, if Bossman tried to hang D-Lo from a tree, would we be expected to “get it”? -and no...I am NOT condoning that sort of action...don’t even think about starting crap with me about it. If you want to hang someone, let’s start with old fart web guys who claim to be neutral while collecting a paycheck from one particular company and goes on weekly rants about how the competition is too graphic....not to name names...of course. -Bossman won, then started to club D-Lo’s ass.......didn’t Rodney King get his own Music Studio because of this kind of DESPICABLE. treatment? -My God.....it just occurred to me.....we have NEVER seen this kind of racial innuendo on RAW...it was always on Nitro......but now it moved to RAW.......why? I wonder what could have happened to initiate the changeover.... -Oh Good Lord in Heaven....... -TERRY TAYLOR!!!!!!!!!!! I PRONOUNCE THEE A RACIST!!!!!!!!! AWAY WITH THEE BASE VILLIAN!!!!!! BRING THOUST SPITE WITH THOU!!!!! -The Red Rooster is a hate mongerer.....well, I’ll be damned. -back in Texas, Patterson musta sniffed some peyote and was feeling “curious” about the other side of life...so he saddled up to some philly and put the mack groove on her, “Ma’am, you look purtier than Jason Priestly just out of the shower. The girl kneed him in the nutsac......and thus, we can officially pronounce any lingering heterosexuality within Pat’s soul as dead as the Macarena....Time of Death, 9:47 p.m. -commercials -The Blue Meanie does a dance in the ring.....Kole laughs that he is “RAW BOY”!! Then Kole laughs harder.....and harder....and harder......and harder.... -Goldust puts an end to this......I’m sure you can figure out how. -A WWF doctor told D-Lo that Terri Runnels was NOT pregnant and never was. D-Lo begged him to break kayfabe and do a little shooting. So the Doc told him that he will never get another puss, so long as Terry Taylor is calling the shots.. D-Lo quickly told the Doc to go back to the script. -commercials -Droz beat Kurrgan.......then he tried to sell him some heroin. -I’m really not doing too well this week am I? Man, this column bites. -Kole said that the Royal Rumble broke EVERY PAY PER VIEW RECORD KNOWN TO MAN!!!!!! But refused to get specific. Suddenly, Schiavone doesn’t sound that bad anymore. -Back in Texas, Brisco gets a bowl of beans dumped on his head.....Patterson is too busy sucking on a meaty, juicy, tangy rib to notice. Wow, look at him work that thing....oh man. -Mabel is EVIL....so he is now called Viscera. He teamed with Midian against the Brood in a 6 man tagger. The Undertaker was supposed to work the match too, but he chose to sit at his throne and talk to Dillenger via Satanic telepathy.......(special call waiting option allows UT to keep Marilyn Manson on another line) -It ended with Gangrel getting hanged by a WHITE noose........FOR THE LOVE OF...TAYLOR MUST BE STOPPED!!!!!! -I’d put more energy into this, but to tell you the truth, I didn’t even watch RAW....I am just reading about 9 other recaps and pasting together my own interpretation. -I may be kidding...I MAY NOT!!!!!!!!!! -Mankind buys Debbie a sweater to keep her from catching a “chest cold” ...which could be fatal for someone like her....funny stuff. -commercials -We are in Hour number 2 by the way... -Mankind is the new WWF champ.......winning it in a way that is usually reserved for Hulk Hogan...well, this next segment was basically a replay of the set up the “I Quit” match at the Royal Rumble..only this time the match is a “Last Man Standing” ...All I know is that I’m putting serious change on a Mankind/Rock “Hell in the Cell” match for Wrestlemania. I really don’t want to get into more details. -WWF “alternative” spot where they go back on every single thing they said in the first commercial...I guess they were afraid that we didn’t “get” the first one. -McMahon and the boys have Austin right on the other side of this door. Vince told Pat and Brisco to “jump him” after Vince gets Stevo to hit him.......I’d say something about Patterson jumping Austin...but I don’t wanna....F-you. -commercials -Here we go...showtime...Vince BOUNDS up to Austin and calls him a “chickenshit”!!! Austin turns around and.... -IT’S NOT AUSTIN!!!!!! IT’S GOLDBERG!!!!!!!! GOLDBERG HAS JOINED THE WWF!!!!! HALT, I SAY HALT THOSE PRESSES. -oooh...wait....it’s not Goldberg.....it’s JESSE VENTURA!!!!!!!! JESSE HAS REJOINED THE WWF WHILE STILL GOVERNOR OF MINNESOTA!!!!!! IT’S THE PR COUP OF THE CENTURY!!!!!!!! -Oh, it’s neither..it’s some guy. Vince apologizes left and right...the guy tells Vince where to find Stone Cold. -Road Dog and Al Snow came to the ring.....yadda yadda yadda annnnd... -The Acolytes run out to have a Hardcore rules match which they will REALLY have to work on to make bad. -Nice move where Bradshaw hurtles the steel steps at Snow...but he missed. It goes outside almost from the get-go....spilling out into the seats. A fan soaks up Bradshaw with a beer.....Bradshaw looked like he was counting his time left on the contract......Farooq looked like he was wondering how to talk Vince into giving him the Nation again. (HA!!! With Terry Taylor doing the scripting? FAT CHANCE SUCKAAA!!!!) -Viscera showed up......Snow is pretty much taken out of the equation. -Road Dog takes a powerbomb onto a table and eats a pin....then the JEWS RUN IN AND DUMP HIM AWAY!!!!! THOSE DAMN JEWS ARE ALWAYS STICKING THEIR NOSES INTO THINGS!!!! -Wait a second...those Jews are really the BROOD!!!!!!! WHEN DID THEY CONVERT????? DOES GOLDBERG APPROVE???? -oh...Druids. Nevermind. -commercials -Road Dog goes and finds Snow, because he is too over to be jobbing to Bradshaw like that. They argue. -Here comes the cage...Kole damn near has a conniption. -commercials -Vince finds Austin...Austin won’t hit him.....but a number of other bar flys will...I’m tired. -By the way, make no mistake about this...Austin was TRASHED last week...BLITZED...HAMMERED!!!...HALLED!!! -and he had cue cards on the floor...which is why he kept looking down as he yelled at Vince. That boy may have a serious booze problem. -We’re fresh out of breaks as Triple H came to the ring....he did his thing... -Then Kane came out..doing his thing the whole way... -No offense...but putting Hall vs Benoit up against THIS??? IS BISCHOFF NUTS???? -I mean, these two guys in a cage could headline ANY house show...and a In Your House pay per view...so long as it isn’t really a packed show.. -Anywhoo...the exchange blows, then exchange head rubs....Triple H makes a dive for the door...no soup -Kane climbs the cage, Trip H goes for the door again...no joy -HHH manages to grab a chair and hits Kane with it. He starts to climb the cage...no go. -Kane tries to chokeslam HHH from the top of the cage....no dice. -HHH crotches Kane and goes for the Pedigree....no hablas -X-Pac slams the cage door on Kane’s head twice.....JOY -Kane tries to climb away, but X-Pac catches him on top and starts to kick....SOUP -Trip H makes his way up the cage....GO -He makes it over and starts down.......DICE -Chyna tries to interfere, but HHH kicks her away and hits the ground......I’m sorry, STILL no hablas -Trip H wins....the music plays....Kole has a seizure.....all’s right with the world. -After stopping Kane from going after them (and Kane was BLOO-F’K’N’ DY) Chyna grabbed the mic and said that HHH can go “round and round” with her at the pay per view......or something like that. Then she called him “sweetheart”...which made me personally squeamish. The show ended right here. I liked the last two matches, and the Vince skits really cracked me up. I have to be honest.....everything else was kind of ho hum. The Venis/Gunn match was too pre-ordained to really juice my cranks...and everything else was either too long or too short....... Juice my cranks??? Whut the f&^k? Go read Nitro now...go on...get. Chris Hyatte
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