Nitro Mop Up ... by Chris Hyatte
Yeah, so..it took me three days to recap 3 hours....it IS Nitro after all!...2/11/99
Mop-Up Nitro
“You turned in a mop up before Thursday!!!! All hail Hyatte!!!!!!!”
Byron: NIMROD19@aol.com
(Fu&%ing wise ass! just for that, I’m holding this week’s Mop-Up off until THURSDAY!!!! F-YOU, F-YOU, F-YOU)
Okay then. I’m Chris, this is the Mop-Up and life goes on as it should. I figured that roughly 70% of you are shocked that I even produced a column this week. After all, there’s no RAW tonight....only Nitro.....only three hours of Nitro......only three loooong hours of Nitro.........three hours......three..........3.........oh screw this....I’m going away for the week....f-you all!
This is Hyatte
Oh Hell.....since I’m here....I’ll make this a full column....complete with openers, closers...and the stuff in between. Shall we proceed? Yes, we shall! Well then let’s go...okay then, we will.....good...great....go..
I forgot to comment on this last week, so I have to do it this week. I don’t care what you
think of the man personally.....I don’t give a flying crap if you think Al Isaacs is the lamest sack on the Internet. The man sat down and allowed himself to be interviewed by the “Parody Master” from Canada....NoSoul. He certainly didn’t HAVE to do it, NoSoul was never the thorn in our side that he always thought he was, and SCOOPS has obviously grown by leaps and bounds even with ScoopThis on the Web. There was no real reason why he should have done it....(when I learned about it...I told him to tell NoSoul to go F-Himself.....but that’s just me) but he did it....and did it like a man (of course, he did make NoSoul jump through some major hoops to secure the interview...which is something I applaud). Even though Al refused to trash any other web guys, which would have been more troublesome in the long run than it’s worth, he did have some fun with his own image and his penchant for erroneous reporting....if you don’t respect that, and don’t respect him for going on with it..then you really are an assh**e. Grow up, you jealous dickheads.
So, does this mean MY attitude towards NoSoul will change? Well, truth is I really haven’t had much of an attitude about him or his site in the last few months....he does his thing and we do ours. Hell, I even exchanged a note or two with ScoopThis writer Jared Tripold a few months ago that was very friendly and cordial. So, has my attitude towards the suite changed? Do I still hate them or will I admit to being a fan? The answer is “no” to both. I’ll just sit back and wait for them to trash SCOOPS again, which I’m sure they will again before too long. Then it’s back to the ball busting.
Of course, if he was to send me a transcript of this controversial CHAT THIS 2 that they claim they can’t post because of “too many egos”......I’d change my mind in a heartbeat and praise the sh*t out of the site. Personally, if the second “Web Master Chat” was anything like the first, it mostly involves a bunch of guys arguing about how popular SCOOPS is....I simply HAVE to see it. So come on dude, send it on over...I PROMISE that I won’t post a single word of it ANYWHERE......and it’s always best to have Hyatte ON your side...and not AGAINST.
Finally, I found it AMAZING that web sites that normally PRAISE ScoopThis at every little opportunity were suspiciously silent when it came to pushing the Al Isaacs interview......especially one web site in particular....one big web site......one BIG web site
featuring two guys who I both beat in Gagnon’s web master tournament.....Pretty pathetic move boys......pretty petty too.....go pay someone to blow you....you need it.....badly.
Well, one of them needs it badly.....the other one is a pretty cool kid actually. The one
I’m really talking about is an absolute geek.......a total fag.
Moving ahead....I didn’t watch “That 70’s Show” this week because I don’t normally watch it and never plan to. I really have no need to watch/tape EVERY SINGLE SHOW THAT FEATURES A PRO WRESTLER IN ANY WAY SHAPE OR FORM....quite frankly, if YOU have a burning need to see every single piece of television featuring wrestling and/or a wrestler in ANY WAY SHAPE OR ORM......you really should consider getting out more. Go meet people.....make a friend or two...HEY! Here’s a nutty idea....go to where the pretty girls are...and try TALKING to
them!!!!!! I can’t promise that she’ll hump you 5 minutes after meeting you, or if she’ll even
give you the time of day.....but you might actually get her number!!! Or even a DATE!!!! Now how cool would THAT be?
Staying on the subject of things borderline goofy, I for one would be THRILLED if the next Star Wars movie is an absolute bomb......not MONEY wise...because if the “Phantom Menace” consisted of Boba Fett reading “The Bridges of Madison Country” out loud for two hours, fans would still see the movie 20 times and endlessly debate the symbolism....no, I mean that it would be a real kick if the flick just plain SUCKED!!! I don’t know why...I just enjoy anticipating disasters before they happen....and the mass heartbreak from all the die hards who have been waiting 25 years for this.....HA!!
Vanity Fair magazine has some “exclusive” pictures from the movie this month...it’s tightly bagged so you HAVE to buy it and you can’t just read it at the magazine rack and tear out all the pictures....pretty smart move, I applaud it.
Ummm......what else should I cover?
Oh right....I won’t Mop-Up this weekend’s RAW.....much too busy.
BUT!! I DO have a very special “Bonus” Mop-Up planned for right around Wrestlemania.......if it works out, it may be the best piece of Web crap you ’ve ever read.....but of course, things seldom “work out” when I’m involved.
Lastly, I TOLD you Todd McFarlaine bought those baseballs.....some of you didn’t believe me. You guys really should trust me....I DO have some contacts in the comics field....I just don’t go bragging about them every week.
That’s a LOT of opening notes which most of you probably ignored anyway......jerks.
Okay then, let’s get to it....
It’s Monday night. No RAW in sight. No competition for Nitro to fight. In the ratings, they will do all right. But will they use their creative might?. To put on a show with some bite?. Something really tight? Or will they become lazy in their plight? And give us something really trite? Will tonight’s show take flight? Or will it be Nitro Light? All out of rhymes I am quite.
Nitro: (or:)
BIG ASS NOTE: I fell asleep in my chair Monday evening around 6:00...I woke up at 8:04....I missed the first 4 minutes of Nitro.....for some strange reason, I am oddly comfortable with that)
-opens (for me at least) with Arn Anderson on the phone during last week’s Thunder. He said that he’ll see someone in the morning, then dropped the receiver back in it’s cradle. You know, Nitro has never...EVER..shown a clip from a past Thunder that made me say, “Damn, I’m sorry I missed it!”.
-The Nitro Girls try something new.....syncronicity. Key word here is “try” .
-Tony Schiavone runs down the night as....
-”Diamond” Dallas Page is seen keeping an eye on the girls. In case Scott Steiner once again tries his PG rated brand of sexual assault.
-Backstage, Disco Inferno knocks on a door. Nash opens it and lets him in. Turns out Nash and Scott Hall beat on Arn Anderson a little and now Disco can have his fun with him. They shut the door just as DINF wraps his leather belt around his hand and promises that this will “hurt you more than it hurts me!” Gee, the Horsemen getting beaten up badly in the Bischoff Era?? Who saw THAT one coming???
-I did of course.......I TOLD you this would happen.....every week.
-opening theme
-commercials
-We are in a pool hall, staring at some balls....then we begin to scratch them...
-Oh..wait....sorry..that was me...looking at MY....and scratching MY....
-A blonde chicky walks over to the camera....she says that she saw the camera over “there” with those “other guys”....they are like SO cool, and the camera is like SO fine. Then she invites the camera to her limo....then they fade to black.
-I’ll tell you right now, this will be either VERY dumb.....or EXTREMELY stupid. Right off the bat, I’m thinking that those other “SO cool” guys refers to RAW....for some reason.
-Tony, of course..ignores what we just saw. Instead, he tells us that we are in Buffalo, New York.....where it hasn’t stopped snowing since December 21.
-Tony starts talking about Scott Steiner’s current angle....and paints Kimberly as Pro wrestling’s version of the Virgin Mother...(does that mean she gave birth to Goldberg?)
-Tony also hinted that Kimberly BECAME the leader of the Nitro Girls AFTER they were developed.....she only became the leader after weeks and weeks of hard work, and superior skills..and NOT because Dallas Page trims Bischoff’s nosehairs once a month.
-Meanwhile, Blitzkreig ran sprinted like Hell to the ring before any of us could say, “Who
the FU$# is this loser?? What’s on Melrose Place?”
-Rey Mysterio Jr. came to the ring with Konan.
-Konan had a few tired clichés to run through before things could begin.....and KONNAN WASN’T EVEN WRESTLING!!!!
-We simply HAD to get our “bouty bouty” fix for the week I guess...
-The Dog Show wins the night
-HEY!! This Limp Bizkreig has some moves on him!!!
-It was almost laughable listening to Schiavone try to sell the Rey/Konan vs. Luger/Nash
as having any possible outcome other than having that mask come off. After all, it’s no
secret that Bischoff wanted Rey’s mask off for over a year now...and whatever Eric
wants.....Eric gets.....welcome to WCW.
-Mysterio won with a top rope Frankensteiner.
-After the match, Konan promised to tell Nash and Luger the time at Superbrawl....until
then, they will just have to keep on following the sun’s position in the sky.
-Video thingy dealing with everyone involved in that match I was just talking about.
-commercials
-Oh geeze....Kanyon is back in the “New Raven Push” angle. I HATE Kanyon.
-sigh...okay....Kanyon shows up at the Levy house. Mother Levy begs him to talk with “Scotty” and keep him from leaving the house. Kanyon promises. She leaves and Kanyon walks into the camera because we need all the closeups of his UGLY face that we can get.
-He finds Raven sitting down. Kanyon says that a “lot of people” have been wondering where this new angle would ultimately lead.
-Cut to Raven, looking into the camera and saying, “What a mark”......
-Then Raven takes him to his garage to show him his nice cars......Kanyon asks why he drove around in “pieces of crap” when he had these cars to choose from?
-Cut to Raven, looking into the camera and saying, “He just doesn’t get it”
-They end up taking off in a car so expensive that it would cost me $20 to even say the name of it here. Plus, I don’t know...(I don’t really care either..so DON’T WRITE AND TELL ME!!!!!!!!)
-They took off.....I’ll tell you right now...this will be either VERY stupid or EXTREMELY dumb.
-Back to the ring...Fit Finlay came to the ring, he was screaming, “AHHG, For 12 pounds I’ll bomb ye bloody children back to the bleedin’ cornfields ya bloomin’ carpet shagger!!!”. Then he guzzled a pint of Guinness.
-Booker T came out...and called the camera a “sucka” about nine times.
-In the ring, Finlay said, “Aye, shouldn’t ye be pickin’ cotton with yer bloody teeth, ya
sheep bowler?” Booker quickly attacked.
-Yeah right, like you don’t know who won......BUT..since there was no RAW on tonight, they could get away with saving the conclusion to this match until after a nice set of....
-HOOOOLD on me buckos...first we had to see a scene where Hulk Hogan grabbed Horace and told him that he is the new leader of the NWO B-Team......but not to tell anyone just yet. Horace kissed some ass, then left. Hogan then cackled.
-So far, this is the single worse Nitro I have ever seen.
-THEN we got some...
-commercials
-Backstage, Flair gave Bischoff the job for the week which Eric will use to in some way help the NWO get away with their special brand of evilness that really lit wrestling on fire two years ago but now has grown very stale and tired. Having Nash hand the title back to Hogan was probably the worse possible move they could have done.
-Oh right.....Flair told Bischoff that cleaning the men’s bathroom was his chore for tonight....
-Bischoff, “I have built this company to a point where it is one of the most successful companies in all of Turner/Time Warner and you want me to be a CUSTODIAN??”
-I swear, all they need is a laugh track now......because they are all acting as if this show is
a big sitcom.
-Oh yeah, Flair said the word “bleach” twice....I wonder why?
-Oh yeah again....why was Meng feeling up Jimmy Hart’s chest?
-We were back to the match......The white man lost.....man...that’s REVERSE DISCRIMINATION!!!!!!!!!! I HAVE NEVER BEEN SO OFFENDED IN MY LIFE!!!!!!!!
-Raven and Kanyon show up at a bank.....Raven withdraws $20’000......half of that in one dollar bills...twice, he looked into the camera and mugged.......you DO realize that these guys are like 35 years old right?
-commercials
-Bischoff was leaning against the bathroom wall striking his “James Dean” pose.....The Faces of Fear both walk into one of the stalls. A few seconds later, Bischoff yells, “AW, YOU GUYS ARE SICK!!” Then walks away.
-Of all the weeks Saturn picks to have a heart attack....geeze...talk about having something right up his alley.
-and I DO mean right up his “alley”.
-The skit fest continues....Hogan makes Brian Adams the leader of the NWO B-Team....same rules as with Horace.
-commercials
-Mean Gene sez it’s time to get into the “shank” of the evening with an interview with President Ric Flair.
-shank?
-Flair comes out...taking his time and pausing midway to take a breather (it ’s a looooong walk for the old fart). He does make it to the ring under his own power though.
-Apparently, Arn Anderson told Flair backstage to “win one for the gimp....er” and give the fans the full song and dance..even though Arn has been badly beaten up by Disco Inferno......
-Disco Inferno....
-Okay...I want you all to sit back and think about this...which pretty much explains EVERYTHING that’s wrong with WCW today.....Arn Anderson...the Enforcer....was beaten up by the Disco F’K’N
Inferno...(andHallandNashbutthatsbesidethepoint)
-He said that “Hall, Nash, Mongo, Flair” will “burn Buffalo down tonight”.......UNDER 269 FEET OF SNOW??????? OH I DON’T THINK SO!!!!!
-He started to talk about Hogan, getting so worked up that he said that he may have to “stri0p down and get naked right now”.....to which Schiavone giggled “oh my” .......”oh my”?
-shank??
-The Flair elbowed the mat and put it in the figure four....the mat rolled on itself and reversed the hold......Flair submitted......the mat has obviously re-signed with WCW.
-Then Flair said that Scott Hall will NOT get a US title shot....’bout time someone in the
NWO got screwed.
-He called Bret Hart out with the US title for a “surprise”
-Hart came out......
-God, I HATE these long interview sessions....
-Bret has to face someone at Superbrawl for the title..and for the Hell of it, he has to face
someone tonight too....
-Flair built it up, “the ONE, the ONLY, the LEGENDARY........”
-Who? WHO???? SHOHEI “GIANT” BABA????
-oh right.....he’s dead.....NOT!!!! IT’S A WORK!!!!!!!! IT’S ALL A WORK!!!!!!!!
-No...Bret will be facing Roddy Piper......which means, Piper is back for his twice-a-year run to remind us kids just how bad some wrestlers age.
-Flair had to use all his energy to get a chant of “HOT ROD” going. Bret helped sell it
too.
-Then Bret jawed with some fat guy with a sign that read, “BRET, WHAT’S YOUR PROBLEM?” Tony scoured his notes and found the name “Sasso” from “Mad TV” ......
-$100 and my spleen says that Tony has NEVER seen a single episode of Mad TV.
-THEN Tony, in his usual douchyness, said, “ALL the stars want to be live at WCW Nitro!!!”......this “Sasso” is a STAR??????????????
-Dear God...why do I get the feeling that we are only weeks away from the return of JASON HERVEY?????
-That blonde chick is in the limo...and invites the camera to sit next to her.....it refuses....she promises that she won’t bite...much....the camera still doesn’t budge. I
didn’t think it was possible for inanimate objects to have a sexual preference...but the
proof is right there....
-No...wait....I got a better one.....heart attack my ass!! SATURN IS WORKING THAT CAMERA!!!!!!!!!
-WCW tag team tournament spot.....touching upon the history of the title......conveniently
skipping a few notable teams such as The Road Warriors, The Midnight Express, The Rock and Roll Express, The Fantastics, The DYNAMIC DUDES!!!!!!!!!
-They DID show X-Pac getting knocked around a LOT
-Oh yeah, it’s a double elimination tournament.......thank GOD for double elimination
tournaments....without them, Stallone would have NEVER won that Arm Wrestling Tourney, won the big rig, and earned the love and respect of his son!!! (Suddenly, I have this dire urge to play a Sammy Hagar cassette....ooops, the urge just vanished)
-I think (hope is a better verb) that the second hour had arrived.
-Hogan just made Stevie Ray the NWO leader.....if it meant that there would be no more of this crap, I would happily vote to put him in the White House.
-Brian Adams and Horace came out. They took on Hennig and Windham. Of these four, only one of them has any sort of ability to keep my interest....
-Then Horace stepped on Hennig’s foot and blew out his knee....thus endeth my interest.
-Bischoff was in the can watching the Luchadors....Eric had some fun with the Spanish
language......Join us next week as John Ritter guest stars as a bumbling clutz accidentally
gets handcuffed to Bischoff during an Ernest Miller karate class....hilarity ensues.
-commercials
-JESUS!! THIS MATCH IS STILL GOING ON????????
-Hennig and Windham won after Stevie Ray hits Crush with a “slimjack” (Tony’s word...not mine....I guess Slappy White heard about the word “slapjack” and called his lawyers) by accident.....he blames Vincent.
-I wonder.......are we supposed to CARE about this because they are NWO and we are expected to automatically drool over any and all angles concerning this group? Or did Horace finally get over and I missed it?
-The blonde broad invited the camera into the elevator.....the camera hesitated....so she dragged it in. I think she’s a hooker.
-Goldberg spot where he told Bigelow that he was “next”.....
-Hogan did the same thing with Vincent that he did with the other 3.
-Mean Gene brought out Bam Bam Bigelow, who was holding a large piece of paper
-Bigelow reminded Goldberg that he was “Extreme” and he was also the “Beast from the East” (Yeah, well Goldberg is the “True Jew from Husker Du”.......so there)
-Then Bigelow produced a page from the USA Today report where Goldberg made some (Public Relations friendly) noise about being nice to animals....
-Bigelow said that Goldberg wants to outlaw “cock fighting”
-Idiot Gene IMMEDIATELY jumps in and says, YOUMEANWHENROOSTERSAREPITTEDTOGETHERINABLOODYDEATHMAT
CHRIGHT????”
-Oh man...oh man...if Bigelow turned to him and said, “NO!! Goldberg wants to outlaw swinging dick swordfights Okerlund!!!”...it would have been the BEST F’K’N’ NITRO EVER IN THE HISTORY OF HISTORIC WRESTLING TELEVISON!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-But he didn’t....apparently, Goldberg doesn’t have a single problem with swinging dicks
battling it out....the HOMO!!!!!!!!!!!!
-Then Bigelow made up for my disappointment by saying that since Goldberg is going to get “everyone in WCW to adopt a pet!” He would adopt Goldberg’s old lady, put her on a leash, walk her around a little..feed her some Alpo”....I was cracking up.....
-Goldberg wasn’t though.....he ran out to defend his woman’s honor...pausing along the way to set a kitty cat’s tail on fire and watching it run away screaming....(He HATES animals.....IT’S ALL A WORK TO GET HIM MORE OVER!!!!!!!!)
-Think about it...Austin is a confirmed “HUNTER”..so they make Goldberg go in the exact opposite direction.
-cockfight..HA!....Bigelow rules!
-WCW Security broke it up...Dillenger was absent...he was busy searching for that cat for his blood sacrifice later on tonight.
-commercials
-How many matches have there been tonight anyway?? 3????
-There are the Nitro Girls....and there is Page trying real hard to LOOK like he’s trying real hard not to dance along to the beat.
-Dallas Page is accosted by some girl......who breaks out into a Page impression......my ears started to bleed
-As Kenny Kaos ran to the ring.....Tony commented that WCW still has a relationship with NBC....even AFTER the night Hogan and Bischoff took over the Tonight Show.....this prompted Tenay to praise the “mainstream media appeal of WCW”......(yes...but that’s the whole point.......9 times out of ten...mainstream=BORING)
-Dallas Page came out to fight Kaos.....if you really care to know what happened, you’ll
have to click over to the next page...
-commercials
Chris Hyatte
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