Nitro Mop Up ... by Chris Hyatte
Last and certainly least...2/11/99
Mop-Up Nitro (cont)
-Oh F-You...you know EXACTLY who won....and how he won it.
-Heenan showed up too.
-We got to see Kanyon dress up in a collage shot of various outfits. With the “new, improved” Raven smirking into the camera. I want to meet the booker who thought this segment would prove interesting to anyone?
-commercials
-They advertised the Jericho t-shirt......looks like maybe Jericho isn’t booked at Wrestlemania 15 just yet huh?
-Raven/Kanyon segment.....I’m done with this....no more
-Ernest “The Pussy” Miller came out with Sonny Ono. Miller is pushed simply because he is Bischoff’s kid’s “sensei”.......Does this mean that if I teach Eric’s son how to recap...I can become a pro wrestler?
-It was basically the same set up they pulled a week ago. Miller kept yapping until the NWO B-Team sent out Vincent to deal with him.....Vincent tried to send out Disco Inferno, but he refused.
-I....I....I don’t know who to root for.......do I root for the loser who was there only because he taught his boss’s son how to do the “kata” or do I root for the loser who, even though he’s been in the business for 12 years or so, has never bothered to improve on his skills and try to become something other than a glorified valet?
-I know...I’ll root for the good old fast forward button.......GO FF, GO FF, GO FF
-commercials
-So....here we go......Kimberly was about to get into her car when Scott Steiner comes out and tries to talk to her.
-Page is there, he attacks Steiner and tells Kimberly to get in the car.
-Steiner crotches Page, WCW Security sails into the fray...it’s a pile up.
-Steiner slips into the car and takes off...
-Page makes like Mel Gibson in Lethal Weapon and chases after the car.
-The car whips around and faces Page.....it heads towards Page.
-Page has time to call the car a “scum” and he’s all “jacked up” for the collision.
-The car swerves, the door opens and out tumbles Kimberly (or a stunt double, which I’m betting the ranch on)
-The car takes off and Page yells for a jacked up ambulance.
-commercials
-Kimberly is loaded up and taken away in an ambulance.....of course, this takes a year to do. Tony calls this the “most brutal thing that has ever been witnessed in the history of televised entertainainment television”, then states that this “puts a very dark, very sad asterisk on this...the BEST NITRO EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!
-Goofus is delighted in the realism and the viciousness of the whole segment.
-Gallant is horrified by the sheer brutality and the horrific nature of the event.
-Goofus cheers the treatment of the stank Ho...if she just gave Steiner the hum job he wanted, none of this would have happened.
-Gallant points out that Kimberly is a human being with the God given right to choose whom she wants to “hum” and whom she doesn’t.
-Goofus laughs at the whole thing, saying it’s payback for years of watching Kimberly direct those Nitro Girls to clumsily bump into each other and waste our time.
-Gallant states that Kimberly is a “performance artist” and should be given a raise for her hard work and perseverance.
-Goofus calls Gallant a faggot and anally rapes him with a garden weasel.....such an undisciplined lad.
-commercials
-clip from Bret Hart’s appearance on Mad TV...it really was a funny segment.
-Larry Zbyszko told Eric to bleach the bathroom floor.....Eric poured bleach (green bleach????) into the bucket. They seemed to be making sure we understood that there was BLEACH in the immediate area.
-Even though Tony was SHOCKED, DISGUSTED, and OUTRAGED over what happened to Kimberly Page....and added that the “wind out of their collective sails” has been dropped by half......he made an on air pact with Tenay to MAINTAIN FOCUS AND GIVE THE FANS EXACTLY WHAT THEY HAVE BEEN CLAMORING FOR SINCE 11:06 PM LAST MONDAY...THE TOP STARS IN THE TOP MATCHES THAT WE HAVE DEMANDED TO SEE!!!!!! ONLY ON WCW....ONLY ON TNT....ONLY ON.......................NITRO!!!!!!!!
-Bret Hart came to the ring....
-Roddy Piper came to the ring...looking as old and as tired as ever. Before the bell rang, Piper grabbed the mic and had barely enough time to show that he was still one hip cat by
making a reference to Michael Jackson’s penchant for wearing one glove......
-Anywhoo....Piper attacks and starts punching...and he punches, and punches, and punches..then pokes Bret in his eyes....then punches some more....he has no other moves....except for that Sleeper....which is as outdated as Hogan/Warrior
-Heenan remarked on Bret’s groin injury...Tony said, “No!! he is faking it..I sam not buying it..uh uh..nope..no way!! Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me....no more...no way Jose!”
-Then Piper gave Bret a low blow...Bret sold the living poop out of it....
-Tony, “Wow, maybe I was wrong! Fans, I want to apologized to you, the viewers, and especially Bret Hart for doubting his injury!! I was wrong to automatically assume that it was fake and next time, I’ll be more trusting! Again, I apologize!”
-meanwhile, half the arena was busy watching a brawl off camera...I only know it because two security guards sprinted past the cameras top speed.
- After a good 4-5 minutes of Bret rolling around holding his groin, he jumped up and attacked Piper as soon as his back was turned...
-Tony, “OH THAT NO GOOD DIRTY!!!!!!!! I KNEW IT ALL ALONG!!!!!! THIS MAKES ME SICK!!!”
-commercials
-they’re still fighting. Sasso has gone from being in the front row to now being at ringside....I refuse to believe that there is one single fan out there saying, “PIPER SHOULD WIN NOW THAT SASSO IS CHEERING FOR HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
-Then again, I REFUSE to believe that there is anyone cheering for Piper anymore...he should turn heel again...NOW!!!!!
-Piper rolled up Bret for the win.......and the title. There is no one single worker in the
business today who deserves it LESS than him.
-commercials
-Hall, Nash, and Disco Inferno come out. Tony thanks all of us for watching Nitro this week. He thanked everyone from “across the world”......someone should tell that douchebag that the world is ROUND....not FLAT...then someone should kick him in the jimmies.
-Oh F-It.....I’ve kept the humor on the DL this week...how about a little CARNAC to help take us home......
-My I have the first envelope!
-The first envelope
-Carnac demands complete silence for this..
-Often times, Carnac gets complete silence...
-Oh eat me, you fat load...
-HOHOHOHOHOHOHOOOO
-The first envelope
-the first envelope....hermetically sealed
-The bottom of the fifth!
-The bottom of the fifth
-*rip* *poof*
-When is it time for Scott Hall to open another fifth?
-KAAAAA-HAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAHOHOHOHOHOHOHOOOOO
-thank you, thank you all....now back to the recap.
-Kevin Nash may be a TOTAL HEEL WHO HAS TURNED HIS BACK ON OUR HERO GOLDBERG!!!!! But he still gets a wild pop.
-Hall says “Hey Yo!”...then nothing else of consequence.
-commercials
-That blonde thang finally got the camera into her hotel room (geeze, that was a HELL of a long elevator ride??) She said that she is NOT planning on seducing it.....(then WHY PICK IT UP?!?!?!?!? YOU WHORE!!!!! I HOPE SOMEONE SHOVES YOU OUT OF A MOVING CAR!!!!!!! HOW DARE YOU COCKTEASE THE CAMERA LIKE THAT!!!!!!)
-of course the camera has a pecker...it’s called the microphone....I have a mic too...talk into it and see what happens.
-Flair and Mongo came out.....Mongo looked stunned that he’s working the main event...
-Hall and Flair go at it first.....Flair gave Nash a chop...Nash sort of sold it.
-Lots of Outsider stalling.
-Tony, “I’ve seen HUNDREDS!! HUNDREDS of Ric Flair matches, but I don’t think I have NEVER....EVER....SEEN HIM IN THIS...THIS...MINDSET BEFORE IN MY ENTIRE LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!” Dickhead
-Nash gave Mongo a thrill by selling everything he gave him with gusto...God Bless the Big Ass Bookerman.
-the match proceeded amicably enough.....then we saw Hogan backstage looking for something...then he found then mop bucket Bischoff was using and carried it...
-Towards the ring....DINF was holding Flair and waiting for Hogan, Flair got out of it, but Mongo ended up taking a facefull of BLEACH!!!!!!!!
-MY GOD!!!!!! BISCHOFF OUTSMARTED FLAIR AGAIN!!!!!!! EVEN AS A CUSTODIAN HE WAS ABLE TO HELP THE NWO IN THEIR QUEST FOR DOMINATION!!!!!!! ERIC BISCHOFF IS THE SMARTEST MAN ALIVE!!!!!!!!
-How many more weeks is this going to go on anyway?
-Mongo was out of the picture....the NWO was about to put a hurting on Flair when...
-Goldberg ran out and Speared DINF...even though Hogan was right there.
-Is spearing people the only thing Goldberg will EVER do?
-Bigelow ran in...Goldberg threw him out.
-Flair and the Hebrew were left in the ring, staring at their mortal enemies and looking
goofy when the show ended.
This is going to eat up time, buit I have to explain myself here. The show sucked saved for the main event, which was pretty good. They incorporated a LOT of little “WWFish skits” in order to keep people around next week when RAW comes back.....which isn’t a horrible idea...BUT....
The executions were horrible. Why does WCW feel a need to OVER explain everything? I mean, Bischoff poured bleach in a bucket that Hogan later used....okay, good...fine....but then WHY did Eric have to take a whiff of the bleach before pouring it in, then making a face to emphasize that it was some toxic stuff? Like we couldn’t figure out that it was nasty stuff without his theatrics? Why did Raven have to make snarky remarks to the camera? To show that he was really a different guy now? Couldn’t we have seen that without the silly closeups? Even Hogan.....it would have been MUCH more interesting and compelling if he did NOT have to snicker and guffaw each time he appointed someone “Leader of the B-team”.......but he did, just to show us brain dead numbheads that he was up to something...because we are presumed to be too stupid to figure it out ourselves.
The Kimberly thing did work...because they did a good job of getting that stunt girl in there....and they didn’t foreshadow the crap out of it.
Plus, Monday night is missing something without RAW.....Nitro wants to be the “traditional wrestling company” to counteract RAW’s melodrama with a little wrestling thrown in....so why was this week almost ALL melodrama??? If Bischoff had achieved his goal and the WWF crumbled...I really don’t think I’d be a fan anymore. I can take Nitro so long as there is a RAW around to appease my own personal tastes, but when there is no RAW around....Nitro is doing stuff that I got sick of ten years ago. Sad commentary, but I bet there is a LOT of people who agree with me.
By the way, if you see the ratings, you’ll see that Nitro didn’t really add on the FULL RAW audience this week. Sure, their numbers were very high, but if they had the full crowd, they would have been WELL into the 8 ratings.....venturing into the 9 ’s and even the 10’s Besides, unless I read them wrong, it seems as if the second hour generated a higher number than the THIRD!! They lost viewers as the night went on.....go figure.
Finally, I know that there was no reason why this recap wasn’t posted on Wednesday....and getting it in on Thursday is pretty weak on my part. The sad truth is that I was....umm....shooting blanks this week. I was well into it on Tuesday, but really wasn’t coming up w8ith any good stuff for the recap...so I turned it off and went to bed. It happens sometimes....ask anyone. Sometimes you just can’t call up the material and find the humorous spin on things...so you give it some time, then try again. That’s all that happened this week.
I got a GREAT closer for you. It’s a tough one too.....I think.
It’s some trivia. Quite frankly, you’ll probably toast me on them, but I’m banking on the fact that most of you marks never HEARD of wrestling before Nitro hit the scene.....so I’m going to go old school on your asses....and put those damn PWI Almanacs away.....I won’t be asking “Who won what against whom at where”...this ain’t Prodigy and I ain’t the old fart (who is NOT biased) who runs it.
Before I go on...it just dawned on me that there must be some readers out there who weren’t even BORN when the first Wrestlemania was held. Isn’t that the most depressing news you’ve heard all week? I feel so OLD.
Anywhoo.....here’s the trivia.....I’m sure you’ll get most of them....but maybe not....
1: What NWA Tag Team Champions (before WCW) used the theme song “We Will Rock You” by Queen?
2:: Name every son of Fritz Von Erich?
3: Who were the “Awesome Twosome”?
4: Which wrestler used the theme song, “Joy to the World” by 3 Dog Night?
5: Who was in Percy Pringle’s stable when he first came to Florida?
6: Name the original Legion of Doom?
7: What was the catalyst that started the Four Horsemen? (Note..it was some sort of in-ring moment)
8: Who was Bret Hart’s first tag team partner in the WWF?
9: What was the highest point in Tommy Rich’s career?
10: Who were the Dynamic Duo?
11: Name everyone who held the Western States Heritage Championship?
12: Who were the original Outlaws?
13: What is my real last name? (I mentioned it once on SCOOPS)
Okay, that should keep you busy for a while. I’m leaving. Next week, the same exact crap, carefully re-worded so that it looks brand spanking new....just like always. Lots of fun, lots of lame humor, lots of stuff in general. I’ll poke fun at other web guys without mentioning names...just to keep SCOOPS on their toes....I’ll throw in some Patterson jokes...just so I can get reams of letters from people screaming, “OVERKILL, OVERKILL!!!’....I’ll do a few more things too...it’ll be great. Oh yeah, and I’ll also bid a fond farewell next week too.
Oh what the Hell, since there is no RAW recap this week...I’ll sign off with one little Patterson joke.....just for you.
What’s the difference between Pat Patterson and a Refrigerator?
A Refrigerator doesn’t fart when you pull the meat out of it.
This is Hyatte
Chris Hyatte
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