Nitro Mop Up ... by Chris Hyatte

read the RAW recap first...2/17/99 Mop-Up Nitro It's funny really....after seeing Sunday's PPV, and seeing Vince swan dive into that table, THEN giving himself a nice swipe with the knife, one thing is PAINFULLY clear... Bischoff should hang it up. Nahh, not as the guy who runs things....but as an on air "personality". Look, he had a FULL year head start on Vince as a heel promoter. He had his first match even before Vince was thinking of being a "bad guy". He had every opportunity to overshadow Vince and make everyone say, "Now Eric's showing us how it's done!" If he had any aptitude in this arena, Vince would have looked like a second rate wannabe copying the master..... Well, it SORT of happened that way....didn't it? How embarrassed must he be? For every on camera thing that Eric tries, Vince tops it. If Bischoff's scheduled to fight someone at a PPV, it sometimes serves as a deterrent to keep fans away.....after Sunday night??? Well, I really can't wait for Vince to step into the ring again. To see what he'll do next. I remember once on a Prodigy chat (I wonder why he doesn't do those anymore?) Bischoff said that he would love to fight Vince one day...just to see who would win. Well, after seeing Vince's juiced up body, and after seeing Eric's flabby, pasty, too skinny frame......I think it's a safe bet there. Bischoff should get OFF camera and does what he does best...make millions for his company and re-write every good booking idea with some lame ideas of his own. He's making a fool out of himself.....again. NITRO (or: They would have hired Chris Farley but....well ) -I'll be honest, much like last week, I didn't start taping until a few minutes into this show. This time, I couldn't find the video tape that In used to record this thing. I DID happen to see the opening moments there. So I'll start with the two big things that happened, then well pick it up with the first match, which was when I got the tape in the VCR. -opens with Eric Bischoff as a Chaffeur this week...he's slated to drive Flair and a group of guys around tonight. Bischoff's doing an "inner monologue" which helps his thespian training explore the deeper recesses of his character and really get into his scene..... -basically, he was talking to himself. -I have to be honest, I am not going to spend a lot of time with these bits this week.....first of all, this Bischoff/Flair bit played like the cheesiest videos known to man...Hell, I've seen karaoke videos that looked better produced. They had like 29 cameras working from all sides and angles.....rapid cut action, plenty of closeups. I can't, in all good faith, even pretend that there was anything fun about this stuff. Let's just say that the end had Bischoff outsmarting Flair again and leave it at that. I'll pick it up once they reach the field and Hogan shows up. -The second thing that happened was that Arn Anderson tried to attack Disco Inferno with his tire iron, but Doug Dillenger stopped him and had him arrested. I couldn't help but wonder why they had to handcuff Arn when they could have tied dental floss around his hands and he wouldn't be able to budge them? -That's bascially what hapened, then there was some... -commercials -THEN they got to business with some... -First hour fireworks..... -footage from last week when Roddy Piper beat Bret Hart for the US title -Tony Schiavone announced that Scott Hall will STILL get his US title shot at next week's Superbrawl...oddly enough, he'll be taking on Glacier for the strap.....how those WCW bookers work their special brand of magic every week is beyond me...but brother...THEY WORK THAT MAGIC REAL GOOD!!!!!!!! -Tenay made the first dickhead comment of the night by marveling how Piper had "no signs of ring rust even though he's been gone for months and months making movies and TV shows"...okay, there are two things wrong with that statement..... -1: How can you have ring rust when ALL YOU DO IS PUNCH???? -2: WHAT TV SHOWS????? WHAT MOVIES?????? (let me guess, Piper's next movie has him playing a gruff, burned out loner with a heart of gold?) -Anyway, Saturn comes to the ring in his dress and filling it out nicely...he's got some big titties....at least a B cup. -Saturn growls to the camera, "Life's a drag".....then hit the ring and showed off a little leg. -If I ever meet him, I'll ask Saturn why he thought wearing a dress would get him over? -Tenay decided to nickname Flynn, "Lightening Foot"....a feel a push beckoning. -After about 5-8 minutes, Jericho came out...I feel a screwjob beckoning. -and there you go....Flynn won the match after Jericho interferred......from now on, I'll always remember Saturn as the guy who jobbed out to Jerry Flynn....GOOD FOR YOU PERRY!!!!! YOU GOT SOMEONE TO REMEMBER YOU!!!!! -By the way, Jericho didn't exactly assist Flynn, he just distracted Saturn long enough for Flynn to hit a spinning heel kick and catch the win.....a small detail, but strong prove that Saturn is following Nash's new orders of "jobbing for the good of the show" with little to no complaints. -stuff in the limo......Flair did a little Nitro selling when he said that Nitro is attracting "all the top celbrities and sports athletes" -Then some guy he was with automatically made me want to punch him in the nose when he said, "Hey Ric, how about this Mad TV? Bret Hart against Sasso? It's going to be HUGE!!!!" -Then Flair received a phone call telling him that Arn was just arrested.... -Video clipfest dealing with the Luger/Nash vs Rey/Konnan thing. -commercials -footage from last week where Hogan threw Bleach into Mongo's face. One would think that a face full of bleach would result in some white hair on Mongo's part right? Bet'cha it won't happen. -Limo stuff.....I told you, I'm ignoring it. -commercials -Edited footage from Mad TV when Bret attacked Sasso and "broke character"...you know something, it was a hilarious skit...really. -Hey now, it was a 6 man Luchador affair.....I know Juventud was there.....La Parka too....and that honky mofo in a mask posing as a Mexican. It was ten minutes of high flying, family friendly, completely insane action.....then the team with the masked guy won. -Tony used this match to announce that there was an "altercation" between Luger and Rey Mysterio......he didn't know how, or why, when, or even where..all he could tell us was that Luger's metal plate on his arm has inexpicably found itself lodged in a "very rude place" on Mysterio. -During this match, they had to break away for some spots...Tony PROMISED that they would keep the cameras rolling, just in case the match ended....Lord forbid we don't find out who won....our personal log entries would be completey ruined! -That blonde was back....apparently, she humped the camera....now the camera has to buy her stuff....she went from a cool seductress to a whiney trollup.......art imitates life on Nitro. -Limo stuff....a helicopter has now began flying over the limo and a spotlight makes sure we see everything. Bischoff stops the limo and runs like Hell. -A bunch of black Hum Vees pull up to the limo and the NWO walks out in masks. Hogan opens the door and tells the three guys with Flair to get out....Hogan is dressed head to toe in black, but he carefully left a piece of mustache sticking out of his nosepiece and his hair sticking out of the back to show the world that he was indeed Hulk Hogan.... -Of course, during the course of the beating, the masks came off, just so us mentally retarded folks knew full well who these boys were. -This was a loooooooong beating...at least 10 minutes in length. No blood, no marks..no proof that there was any real violence in there, but geeze, they completely hammered at the guy for minutes and minutes and minutes and minutes and minutes...... -commercials -The Nitro Girls encourage us to move our feet.....I'm encouraged to move my hand and reach for the remote control. -Tag team clip thing telling us about who's in the tourney...it's a pretty good package really. -It took Dean Malenko and Chris Benoit a while to beat Fit Finlay and Dave Taylor.....but damned if they didn't do it. -There were some... -commercials -during this match....by the way -For the record...NOBODY deserves a title more than Chris Benoit.....and THAT my friends, is the DUUUUH line of the WEEK! -Clip of Goldberg plying his unique brand of mic work on Bigelow. -commercials Chris Hyatte
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