Raw Mop Up ... by Chris Hyatte
I haven't worn underwear since '92...2/17/99 Mop-Up RAW Oh yeah, it's me and this is the Mop-Up....let's get right to it...I'm a busy man. Last week I ran some trivia questions in the closer. This week, I'm running them again. Why? Because I want to give you people a chance to REDEEM yourselves!!!! Not only did a great number of you not even TRY to answer them, but there were so many WRONG answers that it made me want to PUKE!!! Is my ENTIRE audience filled with 12 year olds? Does ANYONE out there know that there WAS a thing called "pro wrestling" before a fellow named Steve Austin decided to shave his head? Jesus Christ Almighty....you are ALL marks. ...Aww Hell, maybe I'm being to hard on you...(I'm talking figuratively, not literally...you bunch of homos...although you haven't LIVED until you let me be a little hard on you....oooh yeah kids....my big....stiff.....all over you're......face in the.....mouth......supple young.....hairless.......oh Pat...oh Pat.....OHHHHHHHH OH....oh...Oh crap....the Hell did I just say? Nevermind that...it's all for fun...just joshing around...that's me...Mr. Giggles....GOD BLESS WOMEN!!!!)...maybe because it was only the Nitro recap..and it was handed in on Thursday instead of Wednesday...maybe I just didn't reach my maximum audience...maybe ALL of you didn't get a chance to give this a whirl. So I'll run it again right now....so EVERYONE can give it a shot. Hopefully, the REAL wrestling fans will speak up...so I won't be forever disillusioned about the audience and just decide to hang up the keyboard and call it a career. Trust me, you would NOT want that...I have seen my fellow recappers.....and while many of them do a dandy (snort) job.....this net would be a MUCH more boring place without Hyatte around. Egotistical? Maybe....but who cares.....F-You. Anywhoo...here are the questions again.... 1: What NWA Tag Team Champions (before WCW) used the theme song "We Will Rock You" by Queen? 2:: Name every son of Fritz Von Erich? 3: Who were the "Awesome Twosome"? 4: Which wrestler used the theme song, "Joy to the World" by 3 Dog Night? 5: Who was in Percy Pringle's stable when he first came to Florida? 6: Name the original Legion of Doom? 7: What was the catalyst that started the Four Horsemen? (Note..it was some sort of in-ring moment) 8: Who was Bret Hart's first tag team partner in the WWF? 9: What was the highest point in Tommy Rich's career? 10: Who were the Dynamic Duo? 11: Name everyone who held the Western States Heritage Championship? 12: Who were the original Outlaws? 13: What is my real last name? (I mentioned it once on SCOOPS) Okay marks...don't let me down. Okay, let's get on with it.....I have nothing to say and a whole 5 hours worth of wrestling not to say it in. As always, and in the paraphrased words of my favorite movie villain of all time...."Time is a luxury I DON'T have......Admiral." I'd ask you to name the villain and the flick...but I'm not feeling very confident in you right now. What is it? If I asked you to name all the members of the Backstreet Boys, I'd get a million answers? Is that it? Speaking of white boys pretending to be black, (I think "Wiggers" is the appropiate term there....or maybe "Wiggaz"....or perhaps "Homoz") what is the DILLY on this "Eminem" dude? Doesn't that Offspring song pretty much nail him to a T or what.......yo? RAW IS WAR (or: Maybe getting canned from WCW WASN'T such a lucky move for Waltman?) -opens with still shots from Sunday's PPV, focusing strictly on the last two main events. Note to Michael Kole......no matter how many times you yell it...Vince McMahon did NOT fall "16 feet" during that awesome crash....and STOP RIPPING OFF JIM ROSS' CLICHES!!!!!!!!! Christ, for one moment I thought he was going to scream, "MY GOD, THE CARNAGE, THE CARNAGE!!!!!" -opening theme......I say three more weeks then that shot of Hawk is history. -Michael Kole is still hoarse from his "Schiavoneing" last night.... -opening things up was none other than Shawn Michaels.....fresh out of back surgery....proving once again that: -A: Modern medical technology is growing by leaps and bounds and what was once long, traumatic procedures that took months and months to recover from are now so advanced that they are done during people's lunch hour. We are months away from seeing Chris Reeve get a brand new spinal column......or -B: IT'S ALL A FU**ING WORK!!!!!!!! MICHAELS JUST DOESN'T WANT TO JOB TO THE ROCK!!!!!! -Shawn don't lay down for nobody, ya know. -Neither does Patterson.....he prefers to be the pitcher. -HBK didn't do his crouch down muscle flex......gotta sell that injury you know. -Shawn announces that once again, we are on the "road to Wrestlemania".......keep to the left or you may get off the wrong exit and end up at "WCW/NWO Uncensored". -Shawn invited out the two headliners for this year's big title match. The first one being the challenger, who earned the right to get there by "kicking Vince McMahon's ass!!" "Stone Cold" Steve Austin. -Out came Austin....with THE TOP OF HIS HEAD MISSING!!!!!!!! THE ENTIRE TOP HALF OF HIS HEAD IS COMPLETELY GONE!!!!!!!! -Oh...wait...he's just wearing a camouflaged baseball cap....I couldn't see it because it was...well....camouflaged. -I know, I know..the joke sucked....but I got a real kick out of it...so you can all cheerfully go F-yourselves. -They were in Birmingham, Alabama by the way...which is as close to WCW territory as they can get.....although I DID hear rumors that they are signed to hold a RAW at the Georgia Dome sometime this year....which would simply rule total kittens. -So, Austin killed valuable time mounting each corner and pumping his fists out... -Then Michaels brought out Mankind...who's pop was very big, just nowhere near Austin territory. -HBK barely had enough time to inform us that he once did Sunny in a shower when..... -Out came Vincent K McMahon, wrapped in a neckbrace, a bandage with a blood spot on his brow, and a miserable hangdog look on his face. Austin was sporting a huge poop eating smile on his face. HBK seemed pleased as well. Mankind looked like he was 2 hours away from being knocked out of the WM main event and he wasn't too happy. -Vince said that he "stood before them humbly"...then was cut off by a rousing chant of "asshole". Kole called it "southern hospitality", Lawler called them "a bunch of idiots", I took one look at the crowd and immediately called my dentist for a check up and a cleaning. -Vince screamed at the crowd, "WHAT DO YOU WANT?? BLOOD??" Then said, "Austin, you put twelve stitches in my head! You THREW ME OFF THE TOP OF THE CAGE!!! MY GOD AUSTIN!!! YOU PUT MY TOUPEE IN A COMA!!!!!!!" (ah..so that's why it wasn't moving!) -I....I....I....I really can't believe I wrote that. What's even worse, I can't believe I didn't delete it out and spend 5 hours thinking of a better line.....even worse than that...I can't believe that I'm wasting my life doing this....what's the matter with me? Geezus crow..get a life Hyatte. Good God.... -Moving along, Vince wants to change. He wants to make himself a "better man". He wants to "bury the hatchet and make a fresh start!!" (Somewhere in Florida, Bret Hart is SPRINTING out of the Nitro building with his suitcase in one hand screaming, "I'M A'COMING VINCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'M A'COMING BACK HOME BUDDY!!!!!!!! ALL IS FORGIVEN!!!!!"....then he heard Bischoff calling him from behind, "Oh Breeeeeeeetttt....you have two more years left on our little contraaaaaaact!" Bret stopped short and called himself a "hoser" for forgetting that vital fact. Then started to cry....then got himself ready to beat up a comedian who nobody heard of.....he walked past Nash...who saw him weeping....took him by the shoulders...and gave him a reassuring hug..."I'm here Bret", he whispered softly, "I'm here!" -So again, Vince wanted a fresh start....and wanted to start all over again with Austin. All Austin had to do in return was to say that he was sorry. -So, Austin did apologize. He said that he was "sorry he didn't beat his ass worse than he beat it"...not exactly grammatically correct, but it's okay......he ain't Goldberg after all. -Then he asked for a "Hell Yeah" if the fans thought that Vince was a (Bleepidly bleeping bleep bleep....God Bless those USA censors....keeping American television SAFE for you and me!!!) -Let's cut through the boring match set ups for the night and breeze. Vince shifted back to Heel Promoter faster than you can say "Nitro sucks" and demanded that Michaels arrange a re-match between Mankind and the Rock for tonight because the ending of the "Last Man Standing" thing was a little on the screwjob side.....just a little. Mankind tried to put it off until the next RAW in "7 days".......this cued the sound guy to... -hit the music and bring out...... -The Rock......Brother Maivia started to PREACH!!!!! He explained that his millions and millions of fans wanted to Mankind's "fat celluloid ass go one on one with the Great One". -Then he kicked off the set up for the Summerslam main event by calling Shawn Michaels a "Roody Poo candy ass"......(Geeze..if the Clique wasn't dead already, Maivia just knocked it into it's death knell). Then told him to "know his damn role and make this damn match tonight!" -Mankind said that he has the nuts has plenty of "fortitude" -Vince told Michaels to officially "make the match", and make it a Ladder Match.....because they went through just about every other possibly type of match already....and I am thinking that they are saving the "Hell in the Cell" gimmick for a more opportune time. -Before Michaels could move along with the festivities, he had to get the last word in as usual and say, "Rock, about knowing my role, you nickel and dime piece of chump change, I've had roles you'll never have little boy!!!"........Ah, good ol' HBK.....even though a strong gust of wind can now put him in a wheelchair for 9 months, that ego of his is fully recovered!!! Hell, he'll even say that he's a bigger star than Will Sasso.....now THAT'S egotism!! -So, HBK made the Ladder match.....then Vince wrapped things up by introducing the special guest referee for the WM match....with the typical Vince growl that he usually saves for those times when he catches Patterson prancing around backstage in his "Little Bo Peep" costume ("DAMMIT PAT!! Venis doesn't have your sheep hidden in his pants!!!!!"), he snarled, "And here he cooooooomes!!" -Out came Paul Wight...ending any and ALL speculation by assh**le web guys who think that people read their pages by wearing a shirt reading, "No gimmicks needed!!"...(If Chris Candido saw that..he would have FLIPPED....he didn't see it though...he was too busy doing whatever it is he is doing with Tammy that is getting ECW and all of the Internet in such a tizzy.....hey people...isn't it possible that they just say NO and they are in fact...HIGH ON LIFE?!????!?!???????? -I'm sorry, I caught a revival of "Up With People" at a local Municipal Center this past weekend.....it...it...it moved me. -Now this was the best poart of the whole show.....the camera took a nice long look at Austin as The Artist Formally Known as the Giant came out. The camera CLEARLY caught Austin mouth the words, "That is one BIG motherfu**er" in full close-up glory! I am quite sure that the USA censor promptly rammed his/her head against a wall on that move. -I'd say more about this segment...but I don't want to. -commercials -footage of what we just saw. -Kole and Lawler set up the night ahead...... -Jeff Jarrett came out with Deborah McMichael.......well, just Deborah......McMichael is being a bitch and refuses to sign a contract with Titan.....I am horrified by that last attempt at humor. -D-Lo Brown comes out with Ivory....ummm....who? -No..I'm serious...who is this broad? -She IS a broad? Right? -It's a mixed tag team match......which means it was about 3 minutes worth of Jarrett and D-Lo going at it....then the chicks started to roll around the mat and pull each other's hair.....Deborah soon guitared Ivory with Jarrett's guitar. -Then Owen ran in and the double team was on...what did we learn from all this? -Well.....1) Mongo must be getting some MAJOR poon in order to drop this chick. -2) We are two months max from seeing some more nipple shots -3) Ivory joins Luna as the only two girls in the WWF who I consider "Double Baggers" (Translation....I'd need to put two paper bags over their heads in order to bang them...the second one in case the first one rips open) -4) Jarrett and Owen can hold the tag belts for the next 5 years for all I care....it's a very comfortable mid card slot for them to be in and it may actually help get some actual wrestling into these damn shows. -5) D-Lo is now a FACE....a righteous BLACK MAN standing in the face of the TYRANNY of that REDNECK Jarrett and that FILTHY CANADIAN Owen Hart....I TOLD you Teddy Long would eventually make his presence felt. -Of course...Long doesn't exactly approve of D-Lo being assisted by a WHITE WOMAN while a beautiful, strong Nubian princess like JAQUELINE is just twiddling her thumbs doing nothing...but Teddy knows...it's all about baby steps. -Backstage, we see members of the Corporation welcoming Paul Wight to the WWF, Patterson gave him the once over and asked, "My, oh my...you are a BIG one aren't you? Tell me...do you like hot tubs?" -Ladies and Gentlemen, this concludes our regularly scheduled Patterson jokes for the broadcast week. And now, our National Anthem.....Ohhh saaaay caaan you seeeeeeee? ByyYYYyyyy the dawn's eaar-rly liiiiiiiights. What's so prOOOOuuuudly we haaaaaaailed, at the twiiiiighlights last glea....ming........yadda yadda yadda, squakata, squakata, squakata......annnd the hoooooooooooome oooooof theeeeeeeee braaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaave -commercials -Triple H and X-Pac came out remind us that RAW ain't just about Austin anymore....and that there was still a little bookmaking for tonight to...ummm....err....make book on -HHH did his thing, then said that Chyna must have been pretty excited to have won last night, after all, it was the first time she's "ever been on top of a guy"..... -It is odd that I am reminded of this now....but is there a HOTTER chick on TV right now than that girl on Buffy...the one called "Faith"? I really think she's going to end up a MAJOR star one day. -Trip H said that they had a "bad taste in their mouth from last night" (uh oh...sounds like Patterson had another one of his "bull sessions" with the boys last niiiiWHOAA....I'm sorry...I'm sorry....NOW the regularly scheduled Patterson jokes for this broadcast has ended.......ohsaycanyouseeeebythedawnsearlylightswhat'ssoproudlywehailed...etc etc etc) -Shane McMahon led out Chyna and Kane...Shane said that Chyna already pinned HHH last night, so there was no point in her doing it again...so he gave her the night off. -X-Pac grabbed the mic and suggested that they trade one "bit(BLEEP...USA censors hard at work) for another BITCH (ooops...USA censors putting a gun to their heads) and HE takes her place. -Shane told "X-Punk" (Yes friends...HE will lead the WWF into the next Century) that "everyone knows that he could take him"..... -HHH jumped in and said, "So that means you accept?" Then called him a "puss". -Shane said he's do it only if the Euro title was on the line......X-Pac agreed, saying that it would be a pleasure putting his foot right up Shane's (BLEEPIDY BLEEP BLEEP BLEEEEEEEEEEP.......methinks Mr. Dirty Mouth Pac had a few more choice words for the Young McMahon that went beyond the word "ass"....either that or USA hired Bob Ryder to run the censor button. -backstage, we see Val Venis making out with Ryan Shamrock.....if their mouths actually touched, it was purely accidental. -commercials Chris Hyatte Go To Page 2