Mop-Up RAW (cont)
-Backstage, we see Mankind struggling to climb out of the basement via a ladder.
-"Bad Ass" Billy Gunn came out all alone. Road Dog was busy getting treatment for his addiction to being a white guy with dreadlocks....the WWF HAD to step in...he was starting to stalk Whoopie Goldberg.
-Val Venis came out with Ryan Shamrock......a guy named "Val" and a girl named "Ryan"?? Jesus, why can't parents names ALL their children proper names to go with their genders? Like for boys, a masculine, macho, SOLID male name like "Chris" and for girls...a feminine, sexy, SOLID female name like.....err....ahh....."Chris"........oh God........oh God............................
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-....beer #'s 1, 2, 3, and 4 quickly guzzled.
-I'll say this for Ryan Shamrock...she's got the cutest smile in all of television......totally adorable.
-Too bad she can't act for shit......that damn smile never left her face.....
-Even after Venis dumped her....which happened after the match...
-which happened after Venis pinned Gunn
-which happened after Ryan fell to the ground
-which happened after Gunn knocked against the ropes which knocked against her
-which happened after she went to the ring apron for no real reason other than to end the match.....
-which happened after about 90 seconds of action.
-which happened after Venis made a reference to his incredible genitalia.
-which happened after a hit the pause button and drank down those 4 beers...
-which happened after I realized that I have the sissiest name in the world.
-thus...we cometh full circle...eth
-Meanwhile, I really think the WWF should hire a real porn actress to accompany Venis to the ring....they can do something like a new girl every month....and in between, they can do these angles were Val gets someone's sister and/or wife and piss the guy off. Get some REA: sluts out there.....it'll rock and I promise that a good 75% of their TV audience will suddenly find their pants down around their ankles during ALL of Val's segments. That's some MIGHTY powerful ratings..
-It WAS laughable that Ryan couldn't lose her smile while Val was telling her to go sit on her hand from now on......but she's so cute, it doesn't matter really.
-spot for Wrestlemania.com......suddenly, I am very upset that they didn't name their biggest show of the year "Scoop"........and I feel bad for those uninformed who may accidentally tag an "S" on that addy and be sent to Online Onslaught.......talk about MAJOR douche chills.
-commercials
-Bad Ass is trying to apologize to Ryan for knocking her off the mat (What? Was she pregnant too?). Then Ken Shamrock came out of nowhere and jumped on Gun.
-The very evil Undertaker stalked to the ring with his new "Ministry".....Kole reminds us that the Bossman was almost given a fresh new character last Sunday.
-Oh.....F-It.....let's break this down into easily digestible parts....
-A: UT promised Vince that he will take OVER the WWF, by abducting and taking over the souls of everyone in his employ...and that he let the Bossman go last night because he just wanted to prove a point
-B: UT said that he was so "confident" about his mission because he "owns the key to Vince's heart and soul"........(Dear God.....he's BANGING LINDA MCMAHON?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?)
-C: Say, has anyone asked the Undertaker about his whereabouts during the death of Jon Benet Ramsey?? I mean he IS evil...and that's the kind of thing evil people do....
-.......well, that and vote Democrat.
-Say...how is Ventura doing anyway? Is Minnesota still there? Or did it break from the Union yet?
-D: I'll say this....Mabel is one SCARY looking hombre...puts braids in his head, a beard on his face, and I'd SWEAR I was once his wife in C-Block a few years back.
E: I'll say this (part douce).....Phineus Godwinn looks like a total fruit now.
F: Things sort of ended when the Bossman came out and challenge UT's Posse of the Damned to a six man tag for later. Of course, the UT agreed.
-Backstage, we see Shane McMahon warming up for his match.
-commercials
-The second hour came running as...
-Kane came out with Chyna and Shane McMahon...
-Then HHH and X-Pac came out...HHH went right for Kane....
-It ran like this.....Kane did most of the work, Shane did most of the running, X-Pac did most of the kicks (including a beauty on Shane's head that looked as real as humanly possible), and HHH did most of the worrying over those old pictures that he's sure someone still has buried in a safe somewhere.
-It was a quick match of course, but only with about 9 Luchadors will you find a more action packed, nonstop match.
-X-Pac ran into a Chyna clothesline that was WILD.
-X-Pac went for the Bronco Buster, but Kane caught him mid leap and choke-threw him to the ground.
-Then Chyna gave Shane the Euro belt and he nailed X-Pac with it...he got the pin and won the Euro title.....
-Suddenly, Bischoff doesn't look all that bad anymore....
-By the way, just so you know...from about a DOZEN different sources, I have heard that Shane McMahon, while generally a nice guy in real life, also holds one of the BIGGEST chips on his shoulder......a real ass**le once he gets going.
-After the match, Chyna tried to carry an unconscious Shane away...she barely got to the edge of the ramp when she put him down.....looks like either Shane has a few more pounds of baby fat to lose, or Chyna should worry less about her pretty face, and worry more about working those delts, pecs, lats, bies, tries, quads, calfs, abs, and hams.....
-Kane tried to get back into the ring, but Chyna held him back....
-Ya know...the Wolfpack never have these problems!!!
-commercials
-Backstage, Shane and the Co. were busy drinking cheap rotgut and celebrating his title win. Shane poured some wine on Kane's head, Kane walked away in disgust.
-Bob Holly came to the ring with his newly won Hardcore belt.
-Steve Blackman came out......Holly ran up the ramp and the fight began....
-Then it went backstage....although we missed a few seconds as WWF cameramen were busy picking their asses and smelling what they came up with.
-They finally found the on buttons and caught up with them....Sparky and Blacky went round and round for a few minutes, then Blackman kicked Holly right into a little dumpster....
-Then Droz came out of nowhere with a piece of metal in his hands and a Rastafarian cap on his head....because he is the "PUSHER MAN"!!!!!!!! He nailed Blackman with it, then took off to sell Scorpio some "farewell" blow. Holly got the pin....then took right off and went back to the ring.
-In the ring, Holly picked up the mic.....looks like we are about to get a TOTALLY UNSCRIPTED, COMPLETELY IMPROVISED, EARTH SHAKING SHOOT THAT WILL ROCK THE WWF TO IT'S KNEES AND SEND THE INTERNET CHILDREN SPRINTING TO THE NEWSBOARDS FASTER THAN A GOLDUST PUSH!!!
-He told Vince to kiss his "you know what"......I threw an empty beer can at my TV in disgust.
-Then he said that he was SICK of all the lousy gimmicks and even lousier tag partners that the WWF gave him over the years...and that THIS..is the REAL BOB HOLLY!!!!!!
-So...umm....the REAL BOB HOLLY's hair is naturally all white? I'm just asking.
-Anywhoo, because he is SO hardcore, he issued a challenge to ANYONE in the locker room to come out and make a run at "Hardcore Holly"......(Heeeey, I knew a chick named "Hardcore Holly" once......and I made a few runs at her....so didn't everyone. Once I was at a party and I walked into a room and I saw my best friend sitting on the bed with her...he had 3 fingers missing.)
-Someone came out and accepted the challenge. I couldn't recognize the face unless......
-unless......wait a bloody second....
-IT WAS DEL WILKES!!!!! THE PATRIOT IS UNMASKED AND READY TO ROCK THE WWF TO IT'S BLOODY FOUNDA.....
-oh...wait...it was Bart Gunn.....Mr. K.O. Thank GOD Kole was there to tell us....
-and thank GOD, WWF producers had the Kyron all ready to go with his name on it....
-and thank GOD Holly reminded everyone that he was the "only one Gunn couldn't knock out" during that Braw for All disaster....I heard the entire audience realize in unison who the guy talking was.
-So, Bart Gunn was back.....Bob Holly had a title....Steve Williams tough guy gimmick is totally ruined.....Jim Ross still can't say Bart Gunn's name without cursing.....and Hyatte still can't get laid without going to the ATM......so it goes.
-commercials
-Backstage, Austin is pacing....
-Kevin Kelly is in the ring and calls out Sable.....Sable's boobies are hanging out...
-The deal here is that Sable kept taking the mic before Kelly could finish a thought. She went on about her various magazine layouts, her enormous popularity, her husband who just got an exciting new job in the sanitation engineering field.....and she owed it all to us horny losers.....and she loves each and every one of us.
-Then that chick who keeps hounding her ran into the ring...that big WWF security guy held her back...but Sable prompted him to let her go....
-She approached Sable, grabbed her hand, and said that she "loved her so much"...
-Sable RIPPED her hand away and said...."Look you NUT, I am sick and tired of you harassing me! Don't you get it? You can never be like me!! You're just a wannabe, just like all of them!!" (Ironically, I've said those exact words to just about every single SCOOPS columnist here)
-Kole is flustered by Sable's snotty attitude....all I want to know is WHERE IS ALUNDRA MICELLI??????
-commercials
-Vince is giving the Rock a chat....
-Test, the Bossman, and Shamrock came to the ring...Shamrock looked like someone had sprayed a can of Cheeze Whiz in his Fruit of the Looms and he didn't notice until...well....until it was too late.
-Butterbean is in the crowd.....he's scheduled to fight Gunn at Wrestlemania I guess.....I think I'll call that match "Don't F**K with JR's Friends"
-Midean, and the Acolytes went to the ring.....it lasted as long as this nonsense should last when...
-the lights went out....UT's music played...
-Let me state this right now before anyone gets some funny booking ideas.....LEAVE THE BOSSMAN'S GIMMICK ALONE!!!!!!!!!! DO YOU THINK HE NEEDS ANY MORE GIMMICK CHANGES AFTER HIS WCW EXPERIENCE???? JUST LET HIM STAY AROUND VINCE, WIN A FEW MATCHES, LOSE A FEW MATCHES, AND KEEP SOME LAST VESTIGES OF PRIDE PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FOR CHRISSAKES, IS THAT REALLY TOO MUCH TO ASK????????
-UT came out...his boys were with him...dragging Shane McMahon with them....Bossman, Shamrock, and Test were standing in the ring watching.
-UT lectured Shane on how evil he was, then gave Shane an envelope to give to his father....Shane, the little pussy, kept crying, "Don't kill me, please don't kill me". I think we've seen enough of this.
-commercials
-Maivia came out and entered the ring....he grabbed the mic and went through his whole litany of catchphrases which arguably gets just as much, if not MORE heat than any Goldberg Spear to date.
-If the Mankind's ass is "Salty", then the Rock is his "Tequila"??????? OH NO!!!! NOT HIM TOO!!!!!!!! THIS WHOLE SPORT IS FRIGGIN' HOMO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-commercials
-Mankind came out.....we're all set for a Ladder match...Kole told Nitro to go F-Themselves by announcing that they are fresh out of commercial breaks.
-Austin came out to join in the commentary......he has no qualms about fighting either guy..if it was Mankind, then it'll be a hoot "n' nanny...if it's the Rock, then he'll put (and this was classic) his "roody poo foot into the Rock's roody poo ass".
-Meanwhile, the Rock took early control...
-Austin, "Hey where the Hell is Jim Ross anyway?"
-Lawler, "I don't know, I wish he was here tonight"
-I SWEAR I heard Kole's voice hitch.
-Mankind chaired the ladder while it was on top of Maivia
-Mankind performed his version of the "Corporate Elbow"....Kole called it "Mr. Elbow"...I called Kole "Mr. Schiavone"
-After saying that he enjoyed the Hell out of his last PPV, Austin did some actual commentary, "Mankind in full control right now.....get your ass up that ladder you dumb bastard!!"....I cracked up.
-Maivia focused on Foley's leg....
-It went into the seats......
-Lawler asked Austin if he felt any compassion for Vince after he crashed into that table....Austin said, "I damn near started crying".
-These two guys have gone at it so many times.....all their spots seem to be copies of previous matches...
-Maivia with a Rock Bottom on the Spanish table...Kole..."HOLY SH........HOLY COW!!!!!"
-Mr. Socko......ladder to the face...hard DDT.....Mankind went down.
-The obligatory punch out on the ladder....the Mandible Claw
-Paul Wight comes out.....grabs Mankind's neck from the ladder and chokeslams his ass down and HARD!!!
-Maivia grabs the belt......Wight leaves smiling at Austin and saying, "You're next" (NEXT?????? IS THE GIANT JEWISH???????)
-Austin mouthed "mother fu**er" again, gave Foley "all the credit in the world" twice.....then went into the ring and got behind Maivia.....Kole screamed, Lawler screamed, the fans screamed, I peed (I was in the bathroom at the time)..the show ended on that note.
Gotta book....see you at the Nitro recap.
Chris Hyatte