Mop-Up Nitro

I fell asleep during Superbrawl......it's kind of funny. It was probably a very good show...solid, entertaining...devoid of any WCWish antics..or at least toned down. The problem is, I am so USED to horrible WCW Pay per Views, that I really can never get hard for any of them anymore. It's sad. I have spoken to people..DIE HARD WCW fans..who simply refuse to buy any more of their pay per views. Oh, they still love WCW, but they just couldn't justify spending $30 pigs on a crap show they wouldn't watch for free. Now we are conditioned to expect crap from them once a month, I think that those buy rates will start to crash out if I am correctly reading the attitude of the people....(remember, I am talking about REAL WCW fans..not WWF fans who love to rag on WCW every chance they get). I should go ask that kid who writes mainly about WCW for SCOOPS about this...see what he thinks.

By the way about this story floating around about how Hogan and Nash are booking WCW into the ground in a plan to destroy it and head on back to the WWF. What would make you think that Hogan is even WANTED in the WWF anymore?

Okay, let's say that Vince is interested in the idea of bringing Hulk back. Hogan would, of course, want to go right for the WWF title right?

Plus, he'd want to go straight after the biggest name in wrestling today right?

Considering Hogan's ego..do you think he would REALLY want to job to Austin?

And do you think Austin would ruin his career by laying down for Hogan?

Who do YOU think Vince would side with? That's what I thought. Hogan ain't going anywhere...unless Rupert Murdoch makes good on his promise and starts a brand new company....then....maybe.

Anywhoo....time's a wastin'

Nitro (or: HA!!! Nash gets BITCHSLAPPED!!)

-opens with the same stuff they always open with the night after a PPV...stills, stills, and more replay ordering enticing stills. Oooh, that no good kid deserves a beating.

-Tony Schiavone, Mike Tenay, and Larry Zbyszko welcome us by feverishly talking up the transpired events from last night. Larry has been ordered NOT to go wave to the fans anymore....Bischoff claims that he is "mugging" for the camera. It's so STUPID to dick him like that...it was a small little move that took all of 10 seconds...why deprive him of it?

-Answer: for the same reason that Dusty Rhodes isn't allowed to speak much anymore and Heenan is a humorless bore....Eric can't stand to have any announcer over shadow him as the top non wrestling personality.....that's why. Think about it!

-Then Larry goes and waves to the public....D'OH......that's what I get for believing everything I read on MiCasa's site.

-It's a JOKE...a harmless JOKE.....FOR CHRISSAKES, DON'T CUT IT OUT!!!!

-Dammit..now I know how it feels to be castrated.

-The Announcers officially announce that David Flair is NOT Flair's real child...he is adopted.

-Oh no.....this is going to be ugly.....as well as retarded. Tony announces that in order to combat RAW this week, HE is going to stage a "very special" intervention between David and Ric Flair. Because he is VERY tight with the Flair family...and he knows ALL ABOUT raising children.

-By the way, I was VERY happy to hear that some fans are at the arenas calling for Schiavone's kid's toenails.....bring signs now.....bring a sign that reads "NWO 4 LIFE" on one side, then write the REAL message with your marker on the other side once the coast is clear. That's all there is too it.

-We see the room where this "Intervention" will be held.....if David Flair manages to sodomize Tony with that cattle prod during this meeting, I will NEVER watch RAW again and become a total MARK for WCW. I PROMISE

-Oh God...just when you thought it was safe to put the remote control down....

-It's another Nitro Party from the University of Berkley......the host is...is..

-HEY!!!! IT'S FORMER MTV VEEJAY, RELIC ROM THE 1980'S HEAVY METAL HAIR BAND ERA...RIKKI RACTMAN!!!!!!! Piper must have booked him.

-All you have to know about Rikki Ractman, and this is going to make you SICK.....he is currently banging porn star JANINE!!!!!! Feel those douchechills?

-The Nitro Girls show up.....immediately, one of those college frat boys go for AC Jazz's chooch.....suddenly, two of his fingers are missing.....Houdini couldn't have done it any better.

-Tony promises us that we'll be going to the party "many times" tonight. Can you say, "RAW WINS THE NIGHT?" I thought you could.

-Pointless spot with the Nitro Girls that I couldn't even figure out....which was why it was pointless

-Tony also promises a BRAND NEW KONAN VIDEO tonight!!!!!! NITRO WINS THE NIGHT..NITRO WINS THE NIGHT!!!!!!!!!

-opening theme

-commercials

-Oh thank GOD!!! Someone had the sense to keep a few of the Nitro Girls in the building......because they MAKE the show.

-MORE good news....tonight they will debut the first ever NITRO GIRLS SWIMSUIT EXPOSE!!!!!!!! Ten minutes has gone by and they haven't plugged a single match tonight yet.

-Why are these girls getting a push all of the sudden?

-First hour fireworks arrive...they are in Sacramento, California.

-still shots and lots of them.....starring the resident Messiah/Jew

-For the second week in a row, Jerry Flynn gets the opening shot tonight.....

-He took on Mike Enos...

-Tony is at it again, "Well, everyone knows about Goldberg on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno and that big...challenge he laid out! Well...it's very apparent that a lot of people try to aaaa..... talk the talk, but when push comes to shove...they can't walk the walk and I'll tell you this right now.....Goldberg...will back down from NO man, will back down from NO challenge...."

-Umm....exactly when was Austin SUPPOSED TO ACCEPT THE CHALLENGE???? WAS THE USA NETWORK SUPPOSED TO CUT INTO WALKER: TEXAS RANGER WITH A BULLETIN??????? Jesus Christ...give the guy a chance!

-I want Tony's nuts black and blue and covered with footprints.....do it and I'll buy you are car. I'm serious.

-By the way, after a year and 3 months in the business, Goldberg has ALREADY "set the standards of this business"....according to Tony.

-Look, nobody cared who won this match.....you all know it.

-David was being sweet talked by the girly girl.......Davis appeared to have a raging boner...but to be honest...I did too..she is a cutie.

-BUT...she is almost a stereotype.....turn on Cinemax or Showtime late at night and you'll find roughly 9 dozen look-a-likes every night.

-commercials

-Mean Gene talks to Booker T about Disco Inferno. After years and years in the biz, Booker has chose 1999 to finally "turn it up"...and eat a neckbone......I think.

-Back to the Nitro Party.....nobody will mind if I skip this one and every other one from now on. I hope Rikki Ractman bangs his head into an oven....preferably one turned on.

-Scott Norton is back from Japan and runs into Vincent...who happily tells him that Hogan has decided that HE (Vincent) will run the NWO B team.....Norton is cool with it...Norton's Tongue demanded a recount.

-Clip from Mortal Combat...guest starring Wrath. Well, you really can't goof on him....after all, consider the show.

-commercials

-clip of the recent nonsense between Scott Steiner, DDP, and Kimberly.

-Hammer came out all hopped up on that Wowee Juice......I think I finally found someone I hated worse than Kanyon.

-Bam Bam Bigelow came out.....who did he piss off to earn this?

-Chants of Goldberg.....and that's as far as I'm going to go with this before hitting the fast forward button.

-You know, I really find this amazing.....Van Hammer didn't work as a "Rock and Roller"...he didn't work as a member of the Flock...he didn't work out as the face who helped Juventud Guererra with the Flock....and he CERTAINLY isn't working as a 60's hippie.......why is he still being paid? SOMEONE TELL ME???

-AND WHY WAS THIS MATCH SO GODDAM LONG??????

-Oh, you know who won.....you may not know who the "Awesome Twosome" were...but you know this.

-BIG sign that read, "I MISS U LORI".......what a HOMO!!!!

-commercials

-WCW Nitro is coming to Spring Break....Scott Steiner and Buff Bagwell are there to pump iron and shoot up. They end up in a FAG BAR One guy tries to pick up Steiner...Scotty says, "I'm gonna kill him!"...Buff holds him back.....then they ask another stud where the "Hummer" was...Patterson made a surprise cameo and said, "right here daddy-o"...then left. (I wonder what Bob Ryder has to say about this...is guys in drag the "clean cut family entertainment" that he supports? Why do I think he'll be curiously mute here? I hope someone asks him!)

-All of the sudden, Steiner walks into a Goldberg photo session....and tells Goldberg that he is next. Goldberg says "yeah right"

-commercials

-stills...Piper vs Hall

-Bret Hart comes out to new theme music that really is cooking...nice jamming

-Booker T comes out.....isn't this like the 10th time they have fought?

-Not that I really mind.....these are really two of the few guys who rarely do anything other than work their asses off.

-Booker asks us if we can "dig it"....uhhh, I'm sorry Mr....T (???)...but I threw my back out in "nam a few years back...(Damn Charlie) I can't dig anything....Doctor's orders.

-Tenay laughably tried to sell David Flair as a boy who WCW had "ADOPTED" as one of their own.....HE'S 19 YEARS OLD!!!!!!!!!

-Bret complains that Booker has too much Jericurl coated on his body.....Racist Canadian bastard

-This is always my favorite part of Tony's hyping...when he tries to sell the REPLAY to those who already PAID TO SEE IT THE FIRST TIME!!!

-"I know a great many fans were in total SHOCK over the actions of David Flair..so much so that perhaps your mind has blocked OUT the entire show!! well, thankfully, the replay will be shown this Tuesday and take it from me..it's WORTH the $30 to give it another LOOK!!!!" It really is ballsy plugging.

-During this match, we see a skit where DINF is demanding to get the equipment and means to pirate the Nitro telecast at 11:00......I smell desperate ratings attempt......must be Hogan's idea.

-back to the match...HUGE sign that read "WATCH RAW!!" Bret gave it a full, bonafide glare.

-Hart put on the Figure Four.....Booker asked the crowd for support....nobody charged the ring.....so Booker rolled over on his stomach.....

-Booker won the match with a pin....I will bet a major organ that Bret is the most miserable sumbitch on the planet right now.

-Tony managed to waddle over to the "Intervention" room and was waiting for Flair....I don't think Tony has a single inch of muscle tone on him.

-commercials

-stills from Superbrawl.....there goes the mask...I KNEW Eric would get it off the little swish before long.

-Why is Tony back at the announcing booth? I thought he was in the "Intervention Room"?

-Disco Inferno battled Kaz Hayashi...who has now raided Glacier's wardrobe and plundered it for all it's worth.

-DINF wants to sing the National Anthem because he's fighting a Jap.......they turn the mic off midway through...Tony thanked Allah for his bountiful work....he should be SHIT ON SIGHT FOR THE CRIME OF HIGH TREASON!!!!!!! ANTI-AMERICAN BASTARD!!!!!!!!!

-He should be SHOT ON SIGHT too....

-Disco won.....these are seriously long matches tonight.

-Backstage, Crush finds Norton and informs him who the NEW leader of the NWO B-team is....Norton is cool with it...Norton's tongue is screaming Impeachment.

-commercials

-The Nitro Girls work hard at half strength.....doesn't make a difference in the world.

-Nitro party crap...I really was happy when they disbanded this.

-Bobby Heenan has arrived....only too happy to show off his award for being voted BEST Announcer by the readers of the WCW/NWO magazine.....Tenay SAID that he wasn't mad...but notice how his bloodshot eyes BURNED HOLES into the camera...you little pricks.....NOBODY does as much research for their job as Tenay does.....NOBODY!!!!!!! ALL HEENAN DOES IS CRACK A FEW JOKES!!!!!!! TENAY IS THE HISTORIAN....THE EXPERT...THE..THE..THE PROFESSOR!!!!!!!!!!! YOU UNGRATEFUL LITTLE...LITTLE....FARTS!!!!!!!!!

-Actually, I heard Jim Ross won in a landslide...Lawler came in second.....Joey Styles came in third.....Shane McMahon came in fifth....Heenan finished 6th.....Bobby DID beat Michael Cole, Kevin Kelly, and Bob Ryder though.

-Oddly enough....only 20 people even voted...since the magazine has 19 readers.....SOMEODY voted TWICE!!!!!

-Buff Bagwell has pretty much regained all his muscle mass......

-Scott Steiner was with him...he picked out a nice piece of carefully planted fluff from ringside. to join him in the ring.

-The word "hooches" was edited during the LIVE Nitro...but let go for the REPLAY.....does TNT hire nothing BUT inbreds?

-I'll tell you the truth about Steiner...sometimes I can't stand listening to him...other times it's a real hoot....this is one of those times...

-(Dallas Page) "wanted the honor of defending his wife, now I get the HONOR to get ON HER".....when his tongue isn't f-ing up his shit (Mesmormized), he can spin a few good yarns by God.

-Oh yeah, Scotty now gets Kimberly for 30 days....

-Then he challenged Goldberg for a match later tonight...should be interesting.

-You can't help but look at these two guys, (Steiner and Buff) and their grotesque bodies and wonder...if all the horse piss they have placed in themselves were to suddenly rushed out of their bodies.....would even the goons in the nosebleed sections need a life preserver?

-commercials

-stills, stills, stills.....HEY!!! Benoit was part of the losing team....again....didn't see that one coming!

-Chris Jericho came out with Ralphus Ry(EDITED BY SCOOPS BECAUSE HYATTE NEEDS TO BE LEASHED)R. he hits the ring, grabs the mic and proceeds to entertain the Hell out of me....basically berating Perry "Klinger" Saturn for not ditching the dress when he had the chance...Hell, Jericho even insinuated with a limp wrist that Saturn may very well be "fruity" (Oh man..what this guy could do in the WWF.....it would be incredible).

-I've finally figured out why he calls Saturn "Klinger"...I can't believe it took me so long to catch the Jamie Farr reference.

-Humorous doesn't find jobbing to a fellow who works without a contract all that funny...neither does Jimmy Hart.....

-and yet....he didn't job....he won! Of course, Saturn had to show up, rip the dress off Ralphus (I mentioned that didn't I?), slug Jimmy Hart, and give Jericho the DVD in order for him to accomplish the pin...but he did win.

-THEN...Humorous and Saturn went at it...

-clip from last night post match bit. Benoit and Malenko had attacked Windham and Hennig after they lost the title match......sore losers

-commercials