Mop-Up RAW

"Hey Chris Hyatte, What the f&^% did you get that job giving the recaps? Hell, you make Mike Tenay look like Gordon Solie. How bout you learn to go to the bathroom before the shows and write a column instead of rave on about everything during the recaps. One more thing you prick, go get the Sable playboy, jack off on it, and let people who give a f$#^ about wrestling write about it. If you can't I am sure Michael Cole can use a new bitch."

RICHARD HAVENER <havener-98@worldnet.att.net Mop-Up reader, now and forever

Yes indeed! I'm Chris and this is the Mop-Up....but you all already knew that. Let us proceed please...this is a big...BIG week...lots of stuff to go through....

The first plan for this week was to give you TWO MONSTER closers to make up for last week's closer-free column.....but I gave it a little thought and decided that most of you would probably get sick of the column after the actual recap and tune out before I was finished. So this week's FIRST closer will now be this week's major OPENER, and the SECOND closer will be the ONLY closer. Got it? Good.

Which means that this is where I give out those answers to the trivia questions I ran for the last two weeks. As is ALWAYS the rule in Internet land (and you kids out there who write columns and/or recaps heed my advice here), if you want a response...call them all "marks" and they'll come running in droves. Response was solid, and there were even a few more correct guesses than I assumed there would be! Of course, most of the questions went unanswered or plain wrong....because you are ALL marks.

Anyway....here are the answers...culled from my incredible memory and those back issues of PWI that I keep finding littered around the house every so often (I SWEAR...they turn up almost suddenly.....it's like I'm Jesus but instead of pulling unlimited fish out of a basket, I can pull up unlimited back issues of PWI, Inside Wrestling, The Wrestler...etc....my people would starve....but they would starve while reading about Nikita Koloff's top secret trip back to Russia for a meeting with the KGB.....thank GOD Eddie Ellner was able to get his passport into the Communist regime.)

1: What NWA Tag Team Champions (before WCW) used the theme song "We Will Rock You" by Queen?

The answer is Rick Rude and "The Raging Bull" Manny Fernandez. The held them from December "86 to May of "87. They beat, then lost them back to the Rock and Roll Express. A good chunk of you got this one...but some wrong answers include: The Fabulous Ones, the Freebirds, The Minnesota Wrecking Crew, Don Kernodle and someone, Adrian Adonis and Pat Patterson (wise ass), The Rock and Roll Express, Tony Schiavone and Mike Tenay, The Road Warriors, Rick Steiner and PAUL (???) Rotundo, Blacktop Bully and Bastion Booger (WHAT??), Rick Rude and Kevin Anderson (WHO THE F**K?), The Fantastics, The Midnight Express, The Brisco Brothers, Sgt Slaughter and Dan Kroffat, Rick Rude and Manny RAMIREZ, and of course, a couple of obligatory references to Dan Severn...just for good measure.

2: Name every son of Fritz Von Erich?

Well, You had Jack, who was electrocuted when he was 4 years old. David, who died in Japan (Apter said that it was from the same disease that Bruce Lee died from, something about inflamed intestines..or something.....but many feel that he simply OD'ed. Mike, who died from Toxic Shock syndrome (or maybe he OD'ed too), Chris, who shot himself, and Kerry, who shot himself too. Lance was NEVER a son of Fritz. There's Kevin too...who's still alive...I think. I won't post the wrong answers and goofy guesses because I may be an ass**le, but I'm not a FU**ING ass**le. One note...damn shame about all of them, especially David..who was probably the most talented of the bunch. He would have been HUGE.

3: Who were the "Awesome Twosome"? The answer is Tully Blanchard and Wahoo McDaniel, in the old Mid-Atlantic territory a good year or two before the company absorbed Georgia Championship Wrestling and became the NWA. Wahoo had just turned heel and went on a LOOONG feud with Ric Flair for his belt. Wahoo was also the US champion.

Nobody even came close to this....but I got it off of PWI, so don't blame me if I'm wrong..blame them. Wrong answers include: Hogan and whoever was popular in the 80's, Bruiser Brody and King Kong Bundy, The Midnight Express, Sting and Luger, The Mulkeys, Adrian Adonis and Pat Patterson, Jim Powers and Paul Roma, Missy Hyatt's titties, Earthquake and Typhoon, Bastion Booger and Koko B. Ware, Manny Fernandez and Rick Rude, The Fabulous Ones, Sid Vicious and Marc Callous, Davey Boy Smith and the British Bulldog, Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen, Austin Idol and someone else, Kevin Sullivan and Steve Williams, David Flair and the Fitness Chick, Some team from the NWA, Mike Awesome and Awesome Kong, Bruiser Brody and Crusher Blackwell, Greg Howard and My Mother (That's what Greg claims at least), Bundy and Studd, OMG and someone, and Michael Hayes and Jimmy Garvin.

4: Which wrestler used the theme song, "Joy to the World" by 3 Dog Night? The answer is Bugsy McGraw. Jimmy Valiant was the most popular guess, but if I recall correctly, he used a Disco-esqued theme song that involved the city of New York. "Joy to the World" started off with the lyric "Jeremia was a Bullfrog...." for you confused kids who think the Fugees are as Old School as it gets. And no, Pat Patterson and Adrian Adonis never used this theme song.

5: Who was in Percy Pringle's stable when he first came to Florida?

Again, a LOT of "I don't know" answers. When Percy (Paul Bearer) Pringle first came to Florida, his stable included Rick Rude, The Missing Link, and the "PYTs" (Norvell Austin and Koko B. Ware). At least one of you mentioned Jesse Barr, but he didn't hook up with Pringle and Rude until Percy was there for a while. No, Percy never managed Pat Patterson and Adrian Adonis.

6: Name the original Legion of Doom? The Road Warriors, King Kong Bundy, and Jake "The Snake" Roberts. Managed by "Precious" Paul Ellering. This was all in Georgia by the way...loooong before Dusty Rhodes and Ric Flair brought their circus to town.

Wrong answers and other names include: Lex Luthor, Bizarro, Joker, Riddler, Captain Cold, Black Manta, Cheetah, and various other evil dooers, Ox Baker and Killer Kowalski (You're guess is as good as mine), Kevin Sullivan and Bruiser Brody, The Masked Superstar, Buzz Sawyer (who MAY have been part of the stable at some point..but NOT in the original lineup), the Spoiler (again...the ORIGINAL line up), Ted DiBiase, The OMG (One Man Gang), Gordon Solie and Jim Ross, The Sheik...Matt Bourne and Arn Anderson, The Iron Shiek, Space Ghost, Bastion Booger and Brother Love with Horshu as the manager, Pat Patterson and Adrian Adonis, Terry Funk, The Ultimate Warrior, Jerry Blackwell, Mark Lewin, and Kevin Sullivan

You didn't do that badly here really.

7: What was the catalyst that started the Four Horsemen? (Note..it was some sort of in-ring moment) Well, lots of suggestions...but only a few were right. Dusty Rhodes had just saved Ric Flair from a HUGE cage beating at the hands of Nikita and Ivan Koloff. Ole and Arn Anderson ran in. Next thing we knew, Dusty was getting pummeled. Then, as Ole and Arn held Dusty's leg to the mat, Flair jumped from the top rope and dropped down on his ankle...breaking it. I THINK that it was after this moment that Ric announced that he was cousins with Ole and Arn. They hooked up with JJ Dillon, who was managing Tully Blanchard at the time and the Horsemen were born.

Thunderbolt Patterson had NOTHING to do with this (neither did Pat Patterson and Adrian Adonis)..but he may have gotten a Hell of a beating from the new Horsemen....I can't remember.

8: Who was Bret Hart's first tag team partner in the WWF?

Ivan Putski. Not Jim Neidhart, Pat Patterson, or Adrian Adonis. Bret and Putski never made a run for the title, because Bret was paired with Neidhart soon after, but he and Putski did team once or twice.

9: What was the highest point in Tommy Rich's career?

This is arguable, but I'm going with one answer. I would consider the "Last Battle in Atlanta" cage match against Buzz Sawyer to be his HIGHEST point because it was all downhill from there. While it's true that Rich won the NWA world title from Harley Race, he only held it for 4 days.....sort of a cocktease for him. The cage match with sawyer was the culmination of a feud that last over a YEAR.

Rich never teamed with Pat Patterson and Adrian Adonis....I'm not even sure he even wrestled them.

10: Who were the Dynamic Duo?

Easy, Gino Hernandez and Chris Adams in the World Class territory. Right after Adams turned heel and betrayed the Von Erichs.

Shane Douglas and Johnny Ace were the Dynamic DUDES.....you idiots Other wrong answers include: Al Snow and Unabomb, Pillman and Bruce Hart, Pat Patterson and Adrian Adonis, Batman and Robin, Adam West and Burt Ward, Luger and Windham, Bastion Booger and El Vampiro, Stan Lane and Steve Kiern, B. Brian Blair and Jim Brunzell, Shane Douglas and Stevie Richards, Gino Hernadez and Tully Blanchard, Eric Sbrachia and Vic Steamboat, Me and my ex Girlfriend, Batman and NIGHTWING, and Rick Steamboat and Dustin Rhodes.

12: Who was Bret

11: Name everyone who held the Western States Heritage Championship? Barry Windham won it, Larry Zbyszko beat him for it It vanished soon after.. It may have been the most pointless title ever....that is until I proclaimed myself the King of the Net.

Pat Patterson and Adrian Adonis never wrestled for the title.

12: Who were the original Outlaws? Dusty Rhodes and Dick Murdoch. Losing Dick Murdoch is still a huge tragedy. One day I'll remind you about how cool Captain Redneck was. By the way, these two guys were a heel team back in the "70s. They were both bald too...then Dusty discovered peroxide and the American Dream was born. 13: What is my real last name? Shocker....a few of you actually KNOW!!!!! I'll never reveal it again of course....F-You.

I tossed this one in strictly for fun, so you can goof around a little....soooo:

Some wrong answers were: Kringle, Smooth, Hyatt (related to Missy in real life), Butthole, Butthead, Douchbag, Zimmerman, Isaacs, Patterson, Booger, Goldberg, Gardner (nickname "Guy"), Lewinsky, Rodz, Shannon, O'Malley, Dillenger, Adonis, Frothingslosh, Jablomee, Christ, Who Gives a Fu**k, and of course..the most popular answer...Sucks.

Okay, that's it for the trivia (except for one little thing....yes, I was referring to Khan from the second Star Trek flick) .....and that's it for the Opener too....I'm already completely exhausted from all this.....and I still have 5 HOURS OF RECAPPING TO GO!!!!!!! Jesus....somebody shoot me please....please?

Don't forget.....there IS a closer this week....it's at the bottom of the Nitro Recap....and it's my big goodbye. I'm not even kidding. BUT first....we got some shows to look at...so saddle up recappers...because it's time to cap some..umm...Res

RAW IS WAR: (or: Someone should throw the guy who booked this crap into that fire)

-opens with a video explanation as to why it's gonna be Austin vs. the Rock for the strap at WM. Last year, it was pretty much set in stone that Austin was going to wn it....I hope they do something unique this year...because Austin vs. the Rock all alone isn't exactly popping my cherry, or spanking my monkey, or smoothing my Z

-opening theme....look carefully at those images of Austin...because this is the last time we see him tonight.....other than a couple of commercials/

-Is it live? Or is it Memorex? Either way we are in some arena somewhere in the continental United States. It ain't live, so who gives a fu**?

-Say...didn't Vince say something about going back to a weekly live show back in October? Wasn't USA going to help front the bill? IS THIS ANOTHER BAIT AND SWITCH TACTIC??????? CAN'T THOSE BASTARDS STOP SWERVING US JUST ONE TIM......oh screw it.

-Michael Cole welcomes us to RAW IS WAR......(as opposed to MEDIUM RARE IS A BATTLE and WELL DONE IS A CONFLICT?)

-You know..that joke sure SOUNDED funny?

-To get the ball rolling with the seemingly prerequisite "Opening quarter hour to give Cole and Lawler something to scream about all night", out comes Vincent K (After that bump two weeks ago, my Toupee will never pee standing again) McMahon.

-By the way....that theme music Vince comes out to...the "No Chance in Hell" song...it is like the NWO theme song......I only say that in case some of you WCW lifers were getting ready to scream, "HYATTE!!! VINCE HAS THEME MUSIC NOW!!!!!! WHY DON'T YOU RIP ON HIM NOW?? JUST LIKE YOU RIP ON BISCHOFF FOR HIS THEME MUSIC????? YOU SUCK HYATTE!!!!!"

-Ahem...if Eric came out to the NWO theme music...I wouldn't say a single word......but Eric has his very own theme song used for him and him alone....so there.....pffth

-Besides, Bischoff sucks

-So, what did Vince have to say you ask? Well, a few things really...

-He implored any of us who "had a squeamish stomach" to leave the premises and go over to Nitro....where the only thing that'll make you squeamish are appalling angles, horrifying acting, and Tony Schiavone's chins.

-Vince said that there will be a "Roast" tonight...(A ROAST!?!?! Hey, I LOVE Roasts!!!! I'll get it going..."Hey, how about that Patterson huh? He puts the "Ho" in the word "Homo" YOWWZAA!!! But seriously folks, take my hairpiece..please...BA DUM DUM)

-Oh....Vince said that it wasn't a COMEDIC Roast ...(Then I STILL fit right in don't I)...it's an Inferno Match between the Undertaker and Kane......didn't we see this already? Didn't it suck the first time??

-Moving right along....it was time to deal with a little Wrestlemania action.....and time to officially introduce Kevin Nash's bitch......AKA Paul WIGHT

-Out comes the Giant....who is smoking a JOINT?!?!?!?!?!? MY GOD!!! THE WWF HAS GONE TOO FAR NOW!!! THEY HAVE GONE OVERBOARD IN TRYING TO TOP WCW......

-Oh wait..it wasn't a doobie....he just had bitten off a fingernail and still had it in his mouth.....my bad...sorry....he has HUGE fingers ya' know.

-So, will the Giant deliver the SHOOT THAT WILL MAKE X-PAC'S POST WRESTLEMANIA SHOOT FROM LASTBYEAR LOOK LIKE SMALL CHANGE???? WILL TONIGHT BE THE NIGHT WIGHT FINALLY SPEAKS HIS MIND???????

-Umm...well, he did say that he "walked out of Hell's fire and into Heaven's Gate".....My God....AFTER ALL BISCHOFF HAS DONE FOR HIM!?!?!?! THAT RAT BASTARD!!!!!!!!!! HOW DARE HE PIDDLE ON HIS FORMER BOSS'S HEAD LIKE THAT!!!!

-No..seriously.....I truly hope Mr. Wight doesn't feel completely truly from Dillenger's black wraith in the WWF!!! The Tree of Blud has MANY....MANY LONG limbs that reach even into Stamford....

-Heaven's Gate??? Does this mean that Vince will have the entire WWF castrate themselves, then commit suicide when the next comet comes by?

-The crowd didn't seem to understand the concept of "Intellectual Gimmicks" and busted out in a chant of "GIANT SUCKS"....Wight's reaction was amusing.

-As the Giant spoke, I saw a sign that read, "HEY MATT AND CHRIS!!" I don't know who Matt is...but hello!

-Just to see what all the hooha was about...Wight mentioned the name "Stone Cold" Steve Austin.....the crowd popped....he shrugged....Goldberg's bigger.

-The Big Nasty??? Did he call himself the BIG NASTY?????? THE BIG F'K'N NASTY?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

-Ohhhh...God...please....no

-Then Wight said that he "single handily put the WWF title around the Rock's waist"...if you're anything like me..you picked up on that statement right away.

-Then again, if you're anything like me, you were trying to imagine Wight's pecker size.....he is a BIG boy.

-He finished his little speech.....giving the entire Western Hemisphere a thrill by NOT holding his semi gripped hand up in the air...when all of the sudden...

-Out comes the Rock, with a microphone in his hand. Cole called Wight the "Big Nasty".........(part of me is glad he's not called "Titan"...the other part is scrotum deep in douchechills)

-The Rock hit the ring and asked if this big "Jabronee" really say that he "single handily put the title around the Rock's waist?"

-Wight said yes....then made a comment about the Rock's thick skull...hey, YOU try out miccing Maivia after years of listening to Hogan's voice crack and Page talk about the "Jack" and the "Bang".

-Maivia called him a "Roody Poo" who thinks he can just "waltz onto the Rock's show".

-Wight called him a "Prince Iaukea rip off"...now THAT'S a low blow.

-The Rock mentioned something about "Know Your Role" Boulevard ...then advised the big guy to know his role.

-Wight told Maivia to "kiss his you know what"

-Vince tried to settle things....claiming that the Corporation liked to "joke around",,,Maivia said "Joke around on my ass!!!" (Insert obligatory Patterson joke right here). Then called Wight an "overgrown 500 pound piece of monkey crap"

-Wight grew furious....he started to tremble....his face turned beet red...he opened his mouth and said, "Hey Rock....BITE ME!!!!!"

-At that point, Vince pulled him aside and whispered, "Uhh Paul..have you EVER seen RAW before coming here? We are NOT the company owned by a megalomaniac Hell bent on keeping the airwaves smut free...remember?"

-Wight lifted Vince out of the way and the two faced off....they started yelling...I read their lips....

-Rock, "Candy assed monkey crappy, roody poo filled with...err monkey crap coming out of your....uhh...candy ass"

-Wight, "Shouldn't you have a bun of hair on top of your head? Bite me, bite me, bite me and kiss my you know what"

-Rock, "Candy colored monkey ass!!!!! Know your mouth and shut your role"

-Wight, "Is it true what they say about that Patterson dude?"

-Rock, "Hey, how miserable is Bret Hart huh?"

-Wight, "Don't change the subject...he invited me out to a Massage Parlor...should I be worried?"

-Then Mankind came out with his own mic. He volunteered to be a referee for this little tiff. Claiming to have the "Inter-testicular fortitude" to be the second guest ref at WM...and looking to prove himself.

-One thing led to Aqua Velva and the match was set for tonight....

-Jerry Lawler and Michael COLE...(not KOLE...as I was led to think in previous columns) get suitably hyped up for tonight.

-Lawler called this the "BIGGEST RAW EVER IN HISTORY!!!!!!!!!!!"...........et tu Jerry......et tu?

-Cole once again referred to Wight as "Big Nasty".....which is a direct rip off of "Big Sexy"...MY GOD!!!!!!! THEY RIP OFF EVERYTHING!!!!!!!

-BUT......"Big Sexy" is a direct rip off of "Big Daddy Cool" MY GOD!!!!!!! THE RIP OFF EVERYTHING TOO!!!!!!"

-BUT.....Nash is simply ripping off something that he used to use before.....but Wight is just using a variation of something Vince made up in the first place...but Nash......Vince used......Bischoff.....sucks......MY GOD I DON'T KNOW WHO IS RIPPING OFF WHOM?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

-MY GOD!!!! I DON'T KNOW IF "WHOM" IS PROPERLY USED IN THAT CONTEXT!!!!!!!!!!!!

-commercials

-Backstage, the Corporation was in disarray.

-The Brood came to the ring....blood was sipped and spat.

-They were taking on the WWF debuting PUBLIC ENEMY!!!!!! Only Rocco Rock waved his hands in the air......la dee la dee la dee....Grunge no longer likes to party...he must be a born again Christian.....a tour in WCW will do that to you.

-They're still as fat as ever.....BUT..if Vince can make THESE boys major stars, that would be the FINAL coffin in Bischoff's booking ability wouldn't it?

-After about 45 seconds.....Christian interfered...after about 15 seconds of that....there was the bloodbath....suddenly, PE looked like they missed jobbing to Disco and Alex Wright .

-commercials

-During the Break, we see the rest of the Ministry beat up the Brood because the weeks leading up to Wrestlemania are ALWAYS the Undertaker's latest angle's busiest time.

-Val Venis came to ringside to do some color commentary and guarantee that this next match will have a screwjob ending. He had a VERY DIRTY, SMUTTY, EXPLICIT comment to make about his mighty genitals...but unfortunately, you have to hop on over to the next page to read it..because this page is filled.