Raw Mop Up ... by Chris Hyatte

I have nothing to say here...2/24/99

Mop-Up RAW (cont)

-Ahh...he didn't day anything...I just needed a cliffhanger to get you to click to page 2....IDIOTS!!!!!!!!

-Billy Gunn told us to call somebody that we didn't know....(I like to call random numbers until I hit an answering machine..then say that I'm Bob from a local Pest Control business and that I'll be down at the house the next day around 6:00 am to start fumigating.....then I tell them to make sure the pets and children are out of the house for the next 24 hours so they won't get poison in their lungs......aww..it's the BEST.

-The word "bitch" was edited out of Billy Gunn's mouth.......sigh.

-Ken Shamrock came to the ring...looking like Billy Joel just accused HIM of starting the fire. Big Kenny ran after Venis...but Gunn caught him with a clothesline.

-Apparently, Ryan Shamrock is humping everybody in the WWF.......ahhh...the body may be gone, but the SPIRIT of Sunny lives on.

-Venis..."You know, Shamrock will NEVER know what the zone is..until he lost his virginity." Hey, I ain't no FAG...but I think Shamrock is more handsome than Venis EVER was!!"

-Of course, Cole was out of his league here.....and wanted to stay on the subject of wrestling....

-Which led Lawler to say, "And Val, I have to apologize for Michael Cole! When it comes to sex...he hasn't had sex in so long he forgot which one of them gets tied UP!!" Venis started to say something...but started to laugh at the comment.....

-THEN he tried again to say something..at which point Gunn was flipped outside... which was his cue to screwjob the match...so he cut himself off midsentence, then mumbled something about going to help someone..and took off.....not exactly a finely honed mic man that Val.....but he still gets more poon than you and I ever could....

-You know.....Vince could start paying Venis in old USFL trading cards and he STILL wouldn't leave the company or that gimmick!

-His Peckerness did his duty and ended the match by attacking Gunn....it's a three way pile up. Then Ryan Shamrock showed up....Kenny took her arm and sort of dragged her away. Ryan may be the sweetest looking girl alive...she just looks so cute.....she looks like she should be teaching kindergarten.

-backstage, Vince is trying to talk the Rock out of Jamming with the Jiant....no soup

-commercials

-Sable came to the ring......we see footage of Regis Philbin getting his face jammed in her breasts.....(well, well, well).....somehow, I really doubt that Kathie Lee would truly allow WWF stars on the show if she really knew what was they were up to on Monday nights.

-God help us...I just had a horrifying thought.....what would happen if Regis and Kathie Lee booked Jerry Lawler on the same day that Kathie Lee brought her daughter Cassidy to the set!!!!!!

-God Help us...ANOTHER horrifying thought.....substitute Patterson for Lawler and Cody for Cassidy........DEAR LORD PAT...HE'S ONLY A CHILD!!!!!!!!

-And THAT my friends...ends this week's goofing on Patrick Patterson!!! AMEEERICA, AMEEEEERICA!!!!! GOD SHARED HIS GRACE ON THEEEEEEEEE!!! AND CROWWWWWN THY GOOOOOOOOOOOD, WITH BROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOTHER HOOD FROM SEA TO SHIIIIINIIIING SEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAA!!!!!!!

-Sable spent this segment doing pretty much the same thing she did last week...berating that girl (real name: Terri Power....WWF name: Torrie.....WCW's new blonde number's real name is Torrie too.....so, sable called Torrie a "wannabe"....F-YOU WCW!!!!!!!!!!

-I must take a time out here.......I missed Goldberg on Leno on purpose because I hate Leno and Goldberg still doesn't do much for me. I missed Austin on Stern and I am PISSED TO ALL HELL ABOUT IT!!!!! I AM SUCH A FRIGGIN' IDIOT!!

-right now, Jesse Ventura is on Letterman....I will NOT go 0 for 3...so I'm going to take a time out and watch the interview...be back in a flash...

-Ahh that Rupert Jee.....what an actor! Back to the recap...

-Kevin Kelly was there as Sable and Torrie replayed there encounter last week.....Kelly looked to be struggling as he kept that gut sucked in for the babes.....

-Luna showed up too....she was doing the "psycho grrrl" schtick.visibly containing her rage....I thought Chyna was being set up for a title shot at WM?? Hell, I'd like to see Chyna and Luna go at it.

-Luna, "The only reason you are WWF Women's champion is because of your looks!!"

-Sable, "I don't care about the women, I only care about the MEN!!!"

-Two very weak shots with the chick belt and this was finito.

-By the way, Jesse did just fine with Dave....very funny interview and Dave was in good spirits with him. Very entertaining.

-Backstage, Vince was now trying to get Paul Wight to back off. One thing about Wight that I always respected....even though his body SCREAMS pro wrestler.....instead of doing the "Rasslin' voice", he went the other way and always spoke calmly, rationally, and like a regular human being. It's a nice touch and a cool irony.

-You'd better recognize that D-Lo has finally lost his chest protector. He accused Owen and Jarrett of being mid card hicks, then accused Deborah of "doing the unthinkable" and hitting Ivory with the gEEtar (to be honest...it wasn't THAT unthinkable....I was thinking of doing it from the moment I saw her). Then he called the bumpkins out.

-So they came out...Deborah led the way...

-Two white guys against ONE black man???? IN A HANDICAP MATCH????? TERRY TAYLOR...I SMELL YOUR RACIAL BRAIN HARD AT WORK KEEPING A HARD WORKING BROTHER DOWN!!!!!!!!!!! YOU FASCIST BASTARD!!!!!!

-Ooooh...I hope D-Lo pulls out his gat and starts kicking riotous ass!!!! WHERE'S OL' DIRTY BASTARD WHEN YOU NEED HIM THE MOST?!?!?!???? WHERE'S PRAZ?????? WHERE IS DJ JAZZY JEFF?????

-Why has Owen taken to wearing his short 24/7 now? Are ALL the wrestlers getting their bitch tits sucked out now?

-Cole called Wight the "hottest free agent in sports entertainment history?" How is that possible when there are only two companies who could pay up? (Paul E can't afford toilet paper at this point)

-Two on one...yet Deborah STILL had to distract D-Lo....

-and PMS STILL had to show up...

-and Jacqueline STILL had to missile dropkick D-Lo right into an Owen spin to score the pin.....that...that....that Aunt TOM!!!!!!!!

-D-Lo has no chance to do ANYTHING with Terry Taylor on the booking sheets.

-Jarrett and Owen attacked D-Lo even after that......Owen kneed D-Lo in the balls......JEALOUS LITTLE CANADIAN BASTARD!!!!!!!!!

-I feel for my brothers....because I am a BLACK MAN IN A WHITE MAN'S SKIN!!!!!!

-Yo, yo, yo....I know what it's like to be playa hated.......word to your mother.

-backstage, Mankind is spraypainting stripes on his shirt...then started to practice his "ref speak"

-commercials

-Foley went to the ring...even Mr. Socko had stripes on it.

-Vincent K showed up to kill some air time and announce that there will be no match.

-The Rock came out and disagreed.

-Paul Wight came out wearing a pancho.......he must be getting rid of those bitch tits too...THEY ALL ARE!!!!!!!!!!

-The second hour arrived by the way.

-Mankind motioned for the bell...Vince sat down with the announcers, resigned to have this match, then told the time keeper to ring the bell......dammit.

-The Rock shoved Wight...he budged a little. Wight pushed the Rock away face first...

-THIS IS A MAIN EVENT IN ANY ARENA IN THE WORLD!!!!!! THIS IS A PAY PER VIEW QUALITY EVENT ON WITH A FULL HOUR LEFT IN THE PROGRAM!!!! F-YOU WCW....F-YOU, F-YOU. F-YO.......

-Wight and Rock attack Mankind and kick the snot out of him...it was all a work.....BOY..is my face red.

-Vince started to cackle at his grand scheme reaching fruition.....later, Vince gave Mankind a punch as the two held him......I think we have just found Mankind's opponent for Wrestlemania 15......and really, moreso than even Austin...who better deserves to hand Vince his ass other than Mick Foley?

-well...okay...maybe Bret Hart....but that ain't happening.

-oh okay, perhaps Bruno Sammartino....but it ain't happening either.

-Jim Crockett? Yeah..okay...him too.

-commercials

-Footage of what we just saw. Behind Vince, we see a sign with a drawing of a middle finger and the words "ABSOLUTE VODKA" underneath....very inventive....so much so that I'll give it the old SIGN OF THE NIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!

-during the break, the Corporation were busy celebrating.

-Steve Blackman had those Kendo sticks back with him....hmm...I wonder what the occasion was?

-Droz came out in his rastafarian hat on......made of 100% hemp...oh yeah mon....it's good ganja, mon.

-Before Droz could offer Blackman some blow, the old party pooper immediately attacked....

-You know...Blackman wins most of his matches....yet he's never on any real title run.....he's on the push going nowhere

-What a boring match......how come Droz doesn't puke anymore?

-Blackman won (see? SEE????) Then Droz attacked him with one of his Kendo sticks...(Of all the weeks he chose to bring them back....D'OH!!!!)

-Then Droz tried to smoke the Kendo stick.....he is a FIEND.....mon

-backstage, Vince was telling Kane to kill his brother...Vince was in full growl.

-commercials

-Undertaker in a cold, dark part of the soundstage....ahh..I mean Building....Building.

-"McMahon...don't you realize that some flames can not be extinguished?' (Exhibit A: Pat Patterson...the Defense rests, your honor)

-Okay, okay...THAT was the last Patterson joke of the week.....FROOOM SEEEEEA TO SHIIIINNNIIIING SEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAA!!!

-Goldust pinned Venis after the Blue Meanie interfered...everybody was confused. I really think that it's time for Dustin to give Bischoff a phone call.....he may be better off back in Atlanta.

-Blue Meanie gave Val a DDT on the concrete floor...it was the coolest DDT I have ever seen...Val stayed on his head for a good 2 seconds and trembled his legs.

-We see Shane Douglas posing in a mirror while Chyna assured him that X-Pac won't be getting by her that night. Then Chyna laughed at Shane's bicep.

-Hardcore Holly (slut) came to the ring......I still can't figure out why.

-Bart Gunn came out.....the faced off and mouthed at each other...thank GOD I can read lips....

-Bart, "Do you believe this shit?"

-Holly, "See what they did with my hair?"

-Bart, "By the way, Vader says Hi"

-Holly, "He still in Japan?"

-Bart, "Yeah, he's chopping sushi at a Tokyo steakhouse."

-Holly, "Poor bastard. Say, do you know how you'll job to Butterbean yet?"

-Bart, "I think Vince wants Jim Ross to hit me with a chair from behind!"

-Holly, "Fat bastard!"

-Bart, "Yeah, like I meant to knock out his golden boy, Williams."

-Holly, "Next thing you know, Ross'll have me stick out my thumb and scream, YOOOOOO"

-Bart, "Man, I need to get drunk tonight!"

-Holly, "Yeah....I'll get Runnels. You get Simmons and I'll meet you in the Hotel bar!"

-Bart, "Deal! Maybe Droz has some crank too?"

-Then they fought.....Holly broke a pitcher over Gunn's head, then chaired him twice.

-Gunn parried by breaking a mug into Holly's head...followed by a bell shot.

-Holly used a fire extinguisher....

-Gunn returned the favor

-Somehow, the reached the entrance way. Gunn found a watermelon and put it to use.

-Then he broke a steel bar over his back...

-Then Holly smashed a crate of bananas over Gunn's head....followed by a trash can shot.

-Then Gunn smashed a large packet of white powder over Holly's head...I guess Droz won't have any crank for tonight now.

-So far, we have seen two kinds of fruit and a bundle of WHITE powder used.......why there was fruit and WHITE powder in the building is beyond me.....

-Actually...I know EXACTLY why......it's the type of nonsensical booking that usually reserved for Nitro.......so somebody who USED to book Nitro must now be booking RAW.....who could that be now......hmmmm......

-"snap" Oh...of course..let's not forget.....WHITE powder....not BLACK powder...no, no...WHITE powder.....DAMN YOU TAYLOR!!!!!!! I WILL NOT LET YOU RUIN THE WWF FROM THE INSIDE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

-And remember...if you hit Terry in the stomach with a baseball bat, and he drops to his knees and groans in pain...he's not REALLY hurt...he's SELLING THE MOVE!!! SELL THAT MOVE TERRY!!!!! YOU SELL THAT MOVE!!!!!!

-Somebody dressed up like a goofball took Gunn and pitched him off the ramp and at least 6-8 feet down facefirst into a table.....the goofball was Steve Williams.......it's because of Gunn that Williams was dressed like that.......DAMN YOU GUNN...COULDN'T YOU HAVE LET THE DUDE BEAT YOU IN THAT DAMN BRAWL FOR ALL????????????

-First Regal's Man's Man gimmick, now Williams is in costume......uh oh...VINCE IS GETTING COCKY AGAIN!!!!!!!!!

-commercials

-Chyna came to the ring with Shane McMahon....if she beats X-Pac tonight..there will be no WM match. Shane reminded us of this on the mic once they hit the ring...

-X-Pac came out with Triple H. The Bearded prepube went right after Shane...and took a low blow from the chick because of it...

-HHH chased Shane around the ring as Her Royal Ambiguousness gave the little guy a pair of forearms....

-Then Chyna went for the Bronco Buster......X-Pac moved out of the way......WHY???? WHY????????? WHAT IS HE?? A HOMO???????

-errr...then again...now that I think about it......maybe it as for the better.....what of it had TEETH??? And the grip of a PITBULL????

-It's like my daddy always told me...stay away from the flying chooch.....words to live by.

-X-Pac started to chase Shane while HHH dropped Chyna with the Pedigree....X-Pac wins the match and got that WM match....

-He and HHH were kind enough to point this pout with the mic for everyone to hear too. The word "Bitch" was used t"boot.

-spot for Austin on Nash Bridges.....I plan on watching it...mostly because I don't think Homicide is on.....BUT, it looks like an interesting plot, Hunter Thompson wrote the so try...or at least the idea....and from all I've heard, Austin is a rarity in the world of wrestling...he can actually ACT!!!!

-well..he ain't exactly Anthony Hopkins.....but he's definitely has a naturalism about him.

-screw it....there will be a Friday night once a week, every week, for the rest of your lives...stay at home this one time and watch the friggin' thing.

-Funny, that's the closest Austin came to showing up on RAW this week!.

-commercials

-Vince McMahon came out one more time....he warned us one last time to go away if we can't handle....yeah yeah yeah

-Then he proceeded to lecture the Undertaker about "not going where he went" and how "he's way out of line" and some other stuff that doesn't stop this from being too vague for anyone to get anyway.

-Kane came out....

-The NEWLY EVIL Undertaker came out...dressed as the same old dork.

-Vince took his seat next to Cole. Cole asked about that rolled up paper Vince still had...Vince told him to shut up...Cole wet his pants.

-It took a while and they started to fight when..........

-There goes the fire......the Inferno match was up and roaring....

-Meanwhile, Vince cheered on Kane and remained vague about all this...

-The problem is...it's Kane vs. the UT.....we've seen this 100 times already....the fire was mostly an colorful prop (yeah, I'm saying this while in my lazyboy.....far away from any sort of flames....other than that gay guy who lives across the street from me....nice fellow.....makes a glazed muffin that's simply to DIE for)

-As they were going at it, Paul Bearer showed up and gave Vince a black box to open. Vince did....inside it was a Teddy Bear....(BOBO!!!!!! IT'S BOBO!!!!!!!! Of course...anyone with ANY sort of taste knows exactly wear that reference came from...you don't even have to tell me.....it's practically required viewing)

-And of course...BOBO is a parody of ROSEBUD....you DON'T have to know what "Rosebud" is...but you really should find out...it's a classic)

-Vince proceeded to do some of the hammiest ACTING I have ever seen in my LIFE...but first...

-Kane pitched UT over the top rope....nice spot

-Then Kane mounted the top rope and dove at his brother...UT ducked and sent him into the Announcer table....NICE spot.

-more sooner than later.....Kane found his foot on fire and UT won the match...

-meanwhile, Vince was focused on that Teddy Bear....after the UT won, he said something to Vince, took Bobo..and set it on fire. Vince started to cry and wail "WHY? WHYYYYY?", then "NO...NOOOOOOO!" THEN, Vince CRAWLED on his HANDS AND KNEES to that burning bear.....the show ended on that note.

All I can say is WHY?? WHYYYY????

Followed by NO!!! NOOOOO!!!!!!

You know...it IS stupid...I will not argue that point.....but think about this for a second. I'm NOT supporting this angle..but just consider...right now, The Rock, Mankind, Austin, and soon Triple H are all exchanging main event headlining. The Undertaker, who has been loyal to Vince after almost everyone else left him (except for Bret Hart...of course). Poor UT was in danger of getting lost in the shuffle....with all the big names wrapped up, he had nobody of major note to feud up with. I mean, his thing with Kane has been run into the ground, and it's way too soon to get him in with the Giant. Vince HAS to keep him happy, without having him job out to Austin and Maivia every month. So he's giving him this angle. Yes, it's stupid....but I am a LITTLE curious to see how it all ends up. And it gives the UT a juicy role to snack on in the era of the Corporation. The very fact that Vince is personally involving himself in this angle..and not sending Patterson, Brisco, or Slaughter out as the WWF representative is sort of a testament to his respect for UT and his character..and his loyalty. Does that make sense?

Weird show! Heavy on wrestling, light on the HUGE names. It's like Vince gave Austin, Foley and HHH the night off so he could focus on some of the less developed pre-WM angles. Other than that ridiculous ending, I kind of enjoyed it..but a strong Nitro can whip it but good.

Anywhoo..I'm done here.....Nitro is up next. You know where to go.

Chris Hyatte
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