Mop-Up Nitro Recap & Review of March 6's edition of WCW Nitro (TNT) by Chris Hyatte This is going to be a quick recap. I just spent a lot of time and 13 Beers dissecting RAW. Now it's time for Nitro. Thank God. Who cares about Nitro anymore? Why, I can blitz through this and I doubt few would notice and any would care. IT'S ONLY NITRO!! By the way, big props to "Joe from Shooters" for spreading the word to those who had no idea where I was. Al's still feels too betrayed to help, so it's up to you, kids. Nitro (or: 21 years ago tonight, a moron was born) -Okay, let's get this party started right. -Beer #14 and #15 combined into my friendly neighborhood stein. -Since I tape the replay, it opens with the ending to Cheech Marin's blockbuster, "Born in East L.A." About a guy from, where else, East L.A. deported into Mexico. Sort of redundant, isn't it? I mean, isn't east L.A pretty much "Mexico 2", I'm sorry, "Mexico Dos"? -WCW Logo. Years from now, it will be THE symbol for horrific wrestling EVERYWHERE. -We see Fit Finlay choking Vampiro backstage. Fortunately for us, Vampiro waits until AFTER the camera went on before mounting a defense. -Tony Schiavone's voice comes on camera and declares that Monday Nitro is "off and running". Well, it HAS been off for quite a few weeks now, but can you REALLY say it's been "running"? -They continue fighting. Tony announces that they are in Chapel Hill, North Carolina. -Finlay sends Vampiro to the garage door. Using his x-ray vision, Tony notices someone directly on the other side of that door and screams, "WATCH OUT!!!" Unfortunately, the kid didn't have a remote TV with him, and even if he did, it's doubtful that it would have a cable box hooked up to it. So he was nailed. God Bless Tony for using his powers for GOOD, and not for evil. -Tony reminds us that we are in Chapel Hills. In a building on a campus too damn long to name. -as the fireworks go off, Tony says that they are continuing their countdown to "Spring Breakout 2000" (where the ratings will REALLY turn around!!!!) -Tony is there (CHEERS) Madden is there, too (JEERS). Madden says that he likes it. They've got a FIGHT in the back right here at 8:00 and the fight will keep on coming until the end of the night!!! (alas, the fight I REALLY want to see is after the show when Madden makes a nosedive for the Buffet) -Psychosis and Juventud Guerrera are in the ring. Juvee picks up the mic and says, "FINALLY, THE JEWS ARE IN THE HOUSE, BY DE POPULAR DEMAND!!!!" -You mean, North Carolina doesn't allow their Jewish people to stay indoors? WHAT? DO THEY HAVE TO LIVE ON THE BEACH?????? RAT BASTARDS!!!! ` -Didn't even know there WERE any Jews in either of the Carolinas? -Madden asked where Juvee's translator was. If Madden would use a Q-Tip once in a while and cleared that Bacon Grease out of his ears, maybe he could understand him! -Juvee continued, saying that tonight, the "Jewsy one" (is that the same as those "Jews for Jesus"?) and the "Pyscholoose" are gonna live "la vida loca baybayy!" Where IS his translator anyway? -Suddenly, Kaz Hayashi attacked Psychosis. Kaz is now part of "The Young Dragons". How many of them are there? And do they all have the same Mother or did Ricky Steamboat get BUSY? -This Kaz is a playa! -Madden, "It's great wrestling action like this Tony, that separates Nitro from every other wrestling program out there. You can't find action like this ANYWHERE!!!" (You call this action? Watch Madden's digestive system go to work after a few hours at the Sizzler. THAT'S knock your socks off, Chester.) -The beauty of "great action like this" is that sooner or later, the workers supplying the "great action like that" show up on RAW anyway. -Psychosis impressed with a Missile dropkick. -Apparently, "Oklahoma" has been sent back to the land of Dead Gimmicks That Never Should Have Seen The Light Of Day To Begin With... because Madden was screaming, "It's GOOD to see the Cruiserweight division back up and running. With GOOD competitors working matches that WCW DOES take seriously!!!" -BARELY A MILLISECOND AFTER MADDEN SAID THAT... -Vampiro and Fit Finlay's backstage brawl spilled out. They fought a little, then managed to fight there way back up the ramp. Yup, this is THE Flagship division of the company. -barely five minutes into it and Madden puts his foot in his mouth. Awesome. -Meanwhile, Psychosis sits Kaz on the top rope, then mounts it and wiggles his crotch in his face. (well, he IS Mexican). Then he gives Kaz a top rope Hurricarana. Schiavone calls it a "Frankensteiner. (German Suplex my ASS!!!!) -Then The Artist formerly Known as Price Iaukeia and Paisley show up. Flagship Division. -Beer #14 and #15 killed. -My... my... chest hurts. -TAFKAPA either distracts or interferes. Either way, he causes Kaz to win. -Juvee and Psychosis attack the Prince. Didn't even know the poor Price was Jewish? -Tony informs us that GTX keeps WCW's talent well oiled. -Camera focuses on the announcers. Madden throws an imaginary toothpick at the camera. He is a creative genius. -Madden is NOT an attractive man. -Madden is having a bad hair day. -Madden is NOT an attractive man -Someone tell Madden that parting your hair down the middle went out with Culture Club -Tony talked as Mark tried real hard NOT to breath through his mouth. That mouth stayed tighter than a virgin's cherry. (Nice to see he found me.) Mark still looks like a guy completely freaked (buttryingrealhardnottoshowit) over being watched by millions (well, at this point, maybe a million) people. -After trying to prove to us that Vampiro could maybe beat Jeff Jarrett one day... -They run down the night's events. Flair will fight Hennig again. Nobody commented or asked why Jarrett isn't running down some street in Minneapolis butt naked tonight. A PROMISE IS A PROMISE, SCWEINHUNDT -Backstage, WCW Officials finally got Finlay and Vampiro apart. The guy in the middle may have the most severe part in his hair since Geronimo owned the West -Backstage, Jeff Jarrett and the Harris Boys watched this and laughed. -Backstage, "Mean" Gene Okerlund talked to the Mamalukes about fighting someone, sometime tonight. I guess we'll all find out in due time. -Disco Inferno said that... oh who knows. -Big Vito said that... well, he likes Cheese sandwiches. -Tony Da Bull said that he's gonna whack that rat, Big Pussy for betraying Tony. -Beer #16 opened -commercials -Camera pans some crazy fans, and a couple of empty seats, (Ain't so easy filling them lately? Is it boys?) -Rikki Rachtman, Nitro Girls, Weekend Campus festivities, somewhere, in those words, you can find the proper letters, and spell FUN!! -Fun that I have no intention of looking at! -Ric Flair, Elizabeth, and Lex Luger all arrive. Team Package is in the House. -The Harris Brothers come out. Video footage tell us just why the H-Bomb is so damn effective. -Disco Inferno brings out the Marmadukes (Crazy ass dog). Madden thinks that DINF raided Liberace's wardrobe. That was funny, when Johnny Carson told it 25 YEARS AGO!!!!!!!!!! -Which is the Heel team here? -Maybe I should ask which team do you care the least about? -Oooh, I smell a dead tie here. -I also smell beer, allow me to investigate. - -Yup, it was beer allrighty roody doody -The relatively quick match ended as DINF pulled one Harris Boy out of the ring, but the other one rolled right in and played Possum. He took a chain and knocked the Italiano right out. Uno-dos-and C and the Harris Boys win the match but not the titles because this was a non-title match. Gotta save the money matches for the PPV's nobody watches anymore. -Then the Ref saw the replay and reversed the decision. Justice is served. -A mini-fight went down. DINF went to brag to the Announcers. Madden reached into his deep pool of insults and jabs and called him a "jackass" several times. -I say again and DEMAND an answer... can Samuda REALLY be pissed about LOSING this guy? -I wonder how frazzled I could get Madden if I turned it up, devoted all my energies to him, and gave him the "Shannon Treatment?" -The Harris boys beat up everyone. Including some security guys. -Last week on Thunder, "The Wall" put "Crowbar" through a "Table". I wonder which inanimate objects Sullivan's gonna book to go head to head tonight? -"Mean" Gene talked to David Flair who admitted to several things. -1) He is 21 years old, effective today -2) He still acts like a loon. -3) Gosh darn it, he grew to like that Independent worker called Crowbar that they stuck him with -4) His Father DOES have chest implants -5) Something went horrible awry with said implants -6) Kevin Sullivan stomps around the backstage screaming, "I'LL GET YOU BENOIT!!! THAT'S MY FAMILY YOU STOLE FROM ME!!!" -7) Torrie is a Lesbian -8) He's gonna try his best to sell some sort of believable offense to the Wall. -commercials -Backstage, the Harris Boys were arrested. Jarrett showed up and blew a fuse. Dillenger was there to spit a few locusts in his face. -Then Dillenger opened up his shit. Scrawled on his stomach from the INSIDE were the words, "Someone help me, eh" Jarrett got on his knees and screamed in Dillenger's belly button, "OWEN, IS THAT YOU???" Wisely, they cut away. -Hey kids, Sid will take on Jeff Jarrett, again. At the next PPV. It'll be "The Monster vs The Music" -Madden began to bitch about the Harris Boys getting arrested and started to scream "ATTICA, ATTICA". Too bad Kevin Nash did the same thing a few years back. WHAT'S THE MATTER MARK?? CAN'T THINK UP ANYTHING NEW? -dumb question, obviously, he can't. He hasn't yet, at least. -David Flair came to the ring with that screaming bitch. -They reviewed that chokeslam that put Crowbar out. Tony claimed that Mick Foley could have NEVER pulled that bump off. Then said, "Ah crap, and here comes another phone call!" -Madden claimed to have NEVER seen ANYTHING like what the Wall did to Crowbar. It's completely amazing that they STILL think that there are ANY fans watching who have never checked out a WWF match. -The Wall came out. Hey if the Wall had...wait a second... -Beer #16 killed -Hey, if the Wall made his living as a Colombian Mule who went to the United States by plane with Cocaine in his belly, would he... ahh I said it wrong. -Hey, if the Wall had problems with Gallstones, and those Gallstones were shaped like Bricks, could it be possible to look at him and say, "All along it's just another brick in the Wall"? -BWAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA -The Wall entered the ring and went right after Flair. Then he pulled out a table and set it up. -Then he took out another table and set it up on top of the first one. -Tony, "I can't even IMAGINE what he can do with two tables!!!!!" Well gee, maybe the same goddam thing Public Enemy did with two tables for all those matches on Nitro THAT YOU COVERED TONY!!! YOU WATCHED WITH YOUR OWN TWO EYES AND SAW WHAT SOMEONE CAN DO WITH TWO TABLES!!! WILL YOU PLEASE STOP PRETENDING THAT WCW IS INVENTING THE HARDCORE WHEEL HERE????? -Madden said that the amazing thing about the Wall is that he looks big on TV and looks even bigger in real life. Same thing can be said for him. -The Wall chased Daffney around a little. Flair hit him with his crowbar. -Then David climbed to the first two ropes and stuck his arms out for the audience to admire. The Wall, seeing a cue when a cue arrives, comes up behind him and slams him into the two tables. You can guess the level of amazement and sheer shock that the Announcers worked hard at sounding genuine. -The Wall walked. WCW Security came out. Curt Hennig came out. terry Funk came out. Arn Anderson came out. Hennig told Arn that the old man should have been out here. Arn didn't reply. -Gee. They should be lucky his father didn't come out. I know I'd be. If it was me, lying there all beaten and broken and in pain. Then I'd hear my Father's voice say, "Excuse me, gotta check the merchandise. Then I'd be rolled over. Then I'd feel my pants leave my waist, my rump, my legs. Then I'd feel something... enter... me. Right there... in front of millions. Then...the grinding... Daddy? DADDY NO!! I LOVE YOU DADDY!!! I LOVE YOU... -Oh no. David is LUCKY. There are fates worse than father abandonment. Much, much worse. -Sweet Moses on a surfboard..... -.... - - - - -exush me. But Beers # 17 and 18 have been properly sent through the system. They will be ready to be sent off to China in roughly 20 minutes. -commershials -"Beyond the Mat". Apparently Vince didn't know that Ron Howard's name would be involved. Dude, the moment it was announced, *I* knew Ron Howard's name was involved. Tell me another fantasy tale. -Footage of Flair's bump. Madden thinks that we should all start calling David, "Cactus Flair" for all the bumps he's taken over the years. -David is being wheeled away. Madden hopes that they will serve Cocktail Weenies at his Wake. -Backstage, The Wall takes out Bam Bam Bigelow with one WEAK ASS PUNCH after Bam Bam bitches about his nasty streak. So much for "Wrestling's Toughest Man", or whatever moniker they gave him when he first showed up, looking for Goldberg. -Three Count was out. There was Evan, Shane, and Shannon (*cough) -Tony, "If my son was put through a table, regardless if it was his birthday or not, I'm gonna run out there!" (Hey HEY!!! I NEVER PUT A BOUNTY OUT ON HIS SON!!! MAYBE I DID, BUT I QUICKLY TURNED IT ONTO HIS DAUGHTER!!!!) -That Bounty is OFF, by the way. No crazy ideas, you. -Fit Finlay and Brian Knobbs brought out "The Dog" who was some guy I'm sure I should know, but I don't and I don't CARE!!! That's the beauty, I don't CARE! -The Dog was wearing reddish fatigues as opposed to Finlay and Knobbs white and gray ensemble. Looks like somebody's been mixing their colors with their whites again! -You really care about this? -Well too bad. Because I'm doing something else. Wait... -Beer #19 opened. -Beer #19 killed -Let's see... where is that thing? -Here we go... 1, area code 516, 57*, **** (yeah, like I would post it like that) -Shush...phone's ringing. -Hello? Is Al there? -Hi Theresa. This is Hy... err Hi, this is Geek...ah Freakboy! Can I speak to the Boss? -Okay... -Al? It's Freakboy! Hey Boss!! What? No I just have a cold! You know this 60 degree near Spring weather plays Hell with the internal inneries. -No, I did not know that I sound like Hyatte when I have a cold. Interesting. Say Al, how about that Hyatte. You miss him don't you? -Oh... I see... come on Al, he was with you for over 2 years and drew more attention than any other of us losers. What? No I'm all right, I've been chugging Nyquil. -If you could say one thing to Hyatte, the man who MADE Scoops, what would it be? -No I'm not me, I'm Freakboy, Man. -Now Al, there is no need for that kind of...hello? HELLO? -He hung up on me?!?! SONAFABITCH!!! HOW DARE HE HANG UP ON GEEKBOY!!!!!!!!!!!! -I need to talk to NoSoul. I'm ain't feeling that good. What's the 411 for Canada? Douche11? HAW!!! DOUCHE11 HAW HAW!! -Hello, could yous look up a name in your phonebookey? Last name "Soul", first name "No". How should I know? It's a Canadian thing. -Me take off? YOU TAKE OFF YA' HOSER!!!!!!! -Hello? Aw yer ass. -Beer Beer and more Beer. #'s 20 & 21 to be exact -The Dog won. His team won. Everyone wins but me -"Mean" Gene Okerlund talked to Ric Flair and Lex Luger. Liz wouldn't talk because she knows when to keep her FAT TRAP SHUT!!!!! -Lex said that Sting ain't there and if he was he'd get his ass handed to him. -Ric said that David is a grown up and can take care of himself. Then he trashed Hogan and Hennig. Whoo, whoo, and a WHOO -Something about something that happened within the last hour angered Jeff Jarrett Blonde prick is ALWAYS pissed. -commercials -Brian Knobbs wants you kids to stay in school. Jesus, if the alternative is being as smart as Knobbs, I'd start it all over again from Kindergarten up. -The Nitro Girls are BACK. Find me one Nitwit that missed them. -Backstage, Sid was convincing Vampiro that he should forget about Fit Finlay and be his partner tonight. Vamp was into it. -The Jeff Jarrett crew showed up. He had some fluff with him. He got on the mic and sent them away. One of their names is "Tylene". As in, I tie, she leans! -Madden said that he would have one of those "private" meetings with those girls. I seriously doubt Madden's ever been laid. -Jeff said that since his Bodyguards were arrested by "inbred cops from North Cakalacky" that he would need a new partner. -So, after plenty of huffing and puffing, he brought out... -The WALL as his tag partner. At this stage in the game, I could think of worse men to pick. -Backstage, Idol and Anal devised some shenanigans around the Demon's casket. OOh, I hope the Demon gets revenge, and I hope he does it TONIGHT!!!!!!!!!! -Hennig is ready. Not to run around naked, oh no, but ready for some ACTION -Flair is ready to run around naked. Which is what he's doing. GET SOME CLOTHES ON MAN!!!! -commercials -Ric Flair came out. -Curt Hennig came out too. Be kind of tough to have this match if he didn't! -Flair got on the mic and said that they should be wrestling over at Duke tonight, not Chapel Hill. (Sorry, but I don't follow College Chess, so I'm lost) -Hennig attacks Flair as Tony announces that David Flair has been taken to one Hospital instead of another. Not that it matters to the 99.9999% of the viewing audience. -They had a chopping match, which Flair won. -They fought outside, which Flair lost. -Flair ended up on the Announce table. Madden hasn't moved that fast since Bob Ryder offered him a job at 1Wrestling. Better believe he hightailed it outta Wrestleline then! -Hennig called Madden "fatso". Mark got offended. Tony pointed out that he might have been talking to someone behind them. Madden knew better. -Hennig suplexed Flair into the ring. -Flair crotched Hennig. -Madden stewed over the "fatso" remark. -Flair worked on the leg. -Flair worked on the leg some more. Tony thought that this MAY be a pre-cursor to the Figure Four Leglock... maybe. -Flair slapped on the Figure Four. Madden applauded Tony on his deft observations. -Hennig reversed the Figure Four. -Hennig with the Backslide pin. The SAME MOVE KERRY VON ERICH USED TO PIN RIC FLAIR 13 YEARS AGO IN DALLAS!!!!!!!!!!! GO CURT, GO!!! -Oh... right... Kerry ended up shooting himself! BREAK THE HOLD CURT!!! BREAK THE HOLD!!! -Luger ran in., Hennig knocked that boy down, he did -Flair tried something, no soup. Hennig hit the Fisherman's Plex and secured the win. -Flair is livid, and very tan too! He and Luger attack Hennig with baseball bats and weightbelts. -Then Arn Anderson runs in and stops Flair from beating up Hennig any further. I guess time and the Book enabled Arn to forgive and forget that whole "spot" catastrophe. -Luger circles around Arn casually, waiting to crank him with the crowbar. -Flair shakes him off. Arn jumps. Luger backs down. I drink another half stein. -Flair tells Arn that the next time shall be the last time, or some other nonsense. Then they split. -Tony says that this match was "just the beginning" (WHAT? BUT ISN'T IT LIKE, 9:40 YET??) -Backstage, Idol and Anal are busy welding the Demon's casket shut, ah, yes... the old buried alive with no hope of escape gag! Absolutely SMASHING! -The Demon walks up behind them and taps them on their shoulders. -Idol and Anal argue over who tapped who. Apparently, neither of them have ANY peripheral vision, because one quarter inch turn of the head and they would have been facing the guy. -They fight. Tony and Madden spout off some Kiss lyrics. We go off to some... -commercials -DDP has a book coming out. Well, it IS out. Pay him enough money and he'll go to your house and tell you his life story in person. Then let you feel Kimberly's boobies. -Their Spring Break college coverage with Rikki Rachtman is AWESOME. Only because I get to zip past it. -Backstage, Hennig is hurtin' -Backstage, Flair and Luger are celebratin' -Anal, (or "Lane", if you wish) took on Norman Smiley. -Beer #21 and #22 killed. -I... I don't feel anything anymore! No, I just don't feel drunk. It's like a hit the wall and BROKE through the booze and now I'm mellow, yet stone cold sober! Ooh, I hate it when this happens. -I need something else. What do I got? -AHA!!! Vodka!! Grey Goose Vodka. I just bought this on a whim. A few snorts of this'll get things back on track. Hang on... -By the way, Handcock, Madden, Horny, Smiley won, doubleteam, Demon saved. -Okay... -... -... -What is this? I've been ROBBED!!! This ain't Vodka! This is WATER!! Jesus Crow! -Here..I'll chug half this down. It's water. It's nothing. - - - -Ahhh... water. Nothing but. -Sid yelled into the camera about Jarrett. -Tank Abbott came out and asked a WCW Yellowshirt where the Locker room was. he called the guy "Dumbass". Dumbass took nooffense and pointed the weay what a loozer. -whoa -whoa whoa -uhhh... oh my goodness. I think I'm gonna... -yeahvq;eyitqeyitvve'jcmeruipjbtue dyhbxcnjfv[uhgavjnbiruhv'kejvoig NVUBhfuiopknheuwtabdgs recvajdytedhbel,d[olm johviw*snore* -Huh? Oh man. Oh MA-AN. -I wuz... passed ou. How long was I? Oh my GOD!!! I'M SO LAE!!!!!!!!!! -wai a second...errrrrrAGH! -tttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt -Sorry, had to get the "t" key out of my nose and back in the keyboard. -Oh my head. Let a little imbibation handle this. -oh, that's the stuff. Okay.. back to the crap. -Tank told a bunch of "Yahoos" not to look at him. They laughed at him. He is such a pussy. -commercials -Tank was in the ring, with a mic. He said that he ONLY tapped last week because if he didn't, they would have took him off TV. (Oh, THERE'S some logic for ya!) -Tank looked and sounded like he was reading directly off some cue cards, or in his case, "Dummy cards" -Tony, "Boy, Tank has grounded this program to a halt!" (Oh sure, blame Tank. The show was REALLY cooking for the last 90 minutes) -Tank said that he would hold a "Sit Down" and refuse to leave the ring until... until... I have no clue. -La Parka came out. HA! That'll get him out of there. -Tank plastered him. Then announced that this is the "Tank Abbott Show" with his very special guests: Richard Harris, Cathy Guisewight, and Joan Embry! -Eventually, Dillenger came out to shoot evil eyes at him. Tank wasn't scared. -So Meng came out. His afro scared ME. -Madden, "THIS IS A FIGHT!! THIS IS A FIGHT!!!" -Dillenger blocked Meng's path. WCW Security led him away. JJ Dillon was there, for the four of you who were wondering whatever happened to JJ Dillon. -Tank ended up leaving on his own accord. Never knew why he was there to begin with. -commercials -Next week, Nitro is coming to Providence, Rhode Island. Where I'm sure the building will be FILLED WITH SCREAMING CHRIS ZIMMERMAN FANS!!! (They don't seem to be anywhere else, so why not in my backyard? Worth a shot) -The Nitro Girls were in the ring. -Hulk Hogan did his thing in order to sell the PPV. Now he's back to fake backdrops. Hogan's about two weeks away from challenging Nick Bockwinkle for the title, and about a month away from calling himself "Thunderlips". -Kidman came out with Torrie. Torrie knows how to dress. -Tony admits that Torrie will be or is featured in "Iron Man" magazine. No doubt as Tony Stark's latest love interest. Tony, you are such a CAD! -Madden says that he's never doubted the flexibility of Hogan's wrist. Interpret it all you wish, sounds to me that Madden is bragging about Hogan's ability to give handjobs. (Silly boy, Hogan doth not GIVETH.) -Stevie Ray came out with J. Biggs. Madden called them "his Homies". Then he got worse. Or maybe Madden is black and he just had one too many powdered donuts explode on him? -Ray was joined by the rest of Harlem Eat. Kidman got on the stic and said that he KNEW this wouldn't have been fair, so he hooked up with a partner of his OWN! -They attacked Kidman. To NO ONE'S SURPRISE (save for the Announcers), Booker came out and helped clean house. -Booker did his little Breakdance thing. Madden screamed, "SPINEROONI, SPINEROONI" (spinerwha?) -The match progressed. Quite good actually. Madden talked about being oppressed with his Brothers. Madden's idea of "oppression" is when McDonalds stop serving the Egg McMuffin 10 seconds after he pulls up in the drive through. -Kidman and Booker almost had the pin, but the Ref was yanked away. Kidman was hit with the "slapjack" and was pinned. The Harlem Eat stood supreme. -Jarrett told the Wall that this was his big chance! I heard Wall ask, "You mean, Vince REALLY watches this?" -Dustin is walking. I WOULD say that he's WALKING, but come on, it's his one joke. -commercials -Whatever # Beer I was on was killed. I'm onto the next one. -Rachtman stuff. Why did HE get to avoid the Cancer gene? -Dustin Rhodes walked to the ring. In FULL Cowboy attire. -Dustin was on the mic and bragged about beating Terry Funk from pillar to post, yet he kept getting up. Dustin wanted to know why? -Oh, he KNEW why! It was to please the audience! Those ungrateful c-suckers of an audience! -Dustin used to be the same way, he used to play to the marks, the Internet Freaks, these Smark Cheat Sheet Writing. (Uh oh, how and when did I piss HIM off now?) -We all make him sick! -Funny, Madden had nothing to say? I thought he was the Internet Icon? -Dustin had a barbed wire in his hand and invited Terry Funk to come out and eat it rectally. Then he told some fat loser that he wasn't worth the "sweat of my ass". Madden quickly pointed out that Dustin was NOT talking about him. Yes, Mark Madden is definitely worth the sweat on Dustin's ass. -We people SUCK. But it was edited. -Terry Funk came out with a mic and used all sorts of bleeped out words. Then said that he thinks he sees a Chicken in the Ring (not a bad Tuna either) -According to Terry, Dustin is much like his father. An overbearing, fat, obnoxious, AAAAAAAAAAAAAeeeeeeeeeeeeeegg sucking dog!! -Funk had a bag on him, and told Dustin that in this bag, he had Dusty's illegitamte son. No DNA proof needed. He could tell it was his kin. (Cool! Aborted Fetus! Wild! I wonder if the coat hanger is still in it?) -Funk pulled out a chicken wearing Diapers. D'OH -Funk said that if Dustin wants a Barbed Wire match, let's not wait until later, let's do it TONIGHT!!!! LET'S DO IT NOW!! -Dustin threw powder in Funk's face, then gave him more than a couple of Piledrivers. -Dustin smacked him around a little, but Funk fought back and bodyslammed Dustin into the Barbed Wire. I was waiting for someone to yell shit about this being a "Never Before Seen Moment In The History Of This Great Sport". -Dustin ran. We ran. Ran to some... -commercials - I just want to end this. Put another Beer in the stein filled with my previous Beer. There ya go hot stuff! -I'm talking to myself now. -GTX paid for Dustin to be tossed onto a pile of Barbed Wire. They must be Republicans -Jeff Jarrett's babes came out with Jarrett close behind. Jarrett got on the stic and teased the notion of the girls hanging out there and making Madden forsake Dominoes for just a little kiss. Then Jarrett ordered the girls backstage. F-everyone. -The Wall came out. -Vampiro came out. -Finally, Sid came out. Can we get ON with this please? -Sure... they all went at it. Sid and the Wall and Jarrett and Vampiro. -It was a basic tag team. Not bad. -Sid chokeslammed Jarrett. The Wall busted up the count. -The Wall knocked Vampiro off the top rope. Vampiro went flying. -Sid clotheslined Jarrett out of the ring. -The Wall grabbed Sid's throat. Sid grabbed his right back at'cha -The Announcers got MUCH too excited over this. -Jarrett hit Sid with his Guitar. The Wall chokeslammed Sid. Jarrett covered Sid and the match was won. -The show ends I don't care who won dammit. Does it really matter? Nothing matters anymore Goddammit. Okay, How's about a bit of a closer to get you punks out of my store. Beer # opened. This WILL be the last one. Just to knock out this headache. Umm, closer time. We laugh at them, goof on them, and throw up when we picture them boffing. But I think we guys are being MUCH too hard on them. Of course, I am talking about Fat Chicks. NOTE: If you are a lovely lady who happens to be on the Heavy side. Please, PLEASE go away now. NOTE: Aww screw it. Stay, STAY AND BE INSPIRED TO GET OUT AND RUN!!!!!! JOG!!!! WALK!!!!! EX-ER-CISE!!!!! There are a lot of bad things about fat chicks. One being their penchant for FOOD. The other is that they only get dates when their Girlfriend sets them up with her Boyfriend's roommate (It's the one time in my life I ever uttered the words, "No thanks, I'm into young Puerto Rican boys."). Yep, lots and lots of negatives surround these big asses. But there are some good things too. Quite a few in fact. So, if you care to join me, let me run down a few of the POSITIVES about dating a Fat Chick. First, let me do this. Beer # killed Beer # opened oh man....buurph...let's get through this quickly... WHY FAT CHICKS RULE!!!! 1) No telling what surprises you might find under her boobs. Finders keepers, bro! 2) You can always outrun them at a Nightclub when she catches you Macking out on another girl. 3) No STDs... VIRTUALLY GUARENTEED!!! 4) They are a whiz in the Kitchen 5) They don't care if you are an alcoholic 6) One compliment, just one, and Brother you just bought yourself a B-Job 7) Impress your friends by throwing a Snickers Bar, then watching her fetch it and bring it back. 8) It's amazing but... no matter how bad you screw up, SHE WILL ALWAYS FORGIVE YOU!!!!!! (Sleep around on her, crash her car, use her credit cards, eat her last Twinkie) 9) If you stink... I mean truly SUCK at sex... think she'll know the difference? She'll call you a Love GOD! 10) Her skinny, hot friends will ADORE you for this. Maybe one of them will see her way to a little side action with you? 11) Her parents will LOVE you. Dad'll let you take the Mercedes out for a spin. 12) There is... like... no WAY anyone else will scam her while you're scamming someone else, so you can trust her completely. 13) Keep your car keys and house keys under that booby I told you about. It's more secure than if you stashed it in Fort Knox. 14) When you do her Doggy Style, think of all the room you'll have to make a sandwich, do homework, do your Income Taxes. 15) Don't feel like going out tonight? SHE DOESN'T EITHER!!!! 16) You've had sex like rabbits. Since she's too embarrassed to go out and too scared to let you go, all you end up doing is sex, sex, sex. 9 months pass, you've banged her so much, and got her to stick to a good diet and exercise program, that she's actually dropped the baggage she's been hefting all these years. Lo and Behold, underneath all that flab, is one HELL of a hot babe!!!! Now, you have got a young, HOT, SKINNY babe who owes ALL HER WEIGHT LOSS to you and your ability to bang the flab off her. She has no clue that someone who REALLY knows how to boff is out there. All she knows is what your little pecker can do, and she LOVES IT!! Now you've got a hot skinny babe who WORSHIPS you like a GOD. The neat trick is, she still has the self esteem of a Fat Girl. She sees the same fat chick she's seen all her life, while the world sees this hot babe. She'll NEVER leave you. You've got yourself a SLAVE, Tiger. How'z bout dem apples? That wraps things up. The Beer drinking festival topped off at a full case. 24 Beers in 15 hours. I must be getting old. I've done better dammit. It was that friggin' Vodka. The Vodka sideswiped me and knocked me off my game. We'll do this again in a year or so. Or never, depending on if I'll even be around in a year or so. Go away now. This is Hyatte