Mop-Up RAW Recap & Review of March 6's edition of WWF Raw (USA) by Chris Hyatte "Your columns aren't funny anymore." - Nick Koroman Never stopped me before, now has it? "And damnit, Benoit does multiple GERMAN suplexes. Dragon Suplexes are done in the form of a full-nelson. SCOTT F***ING KEITH KNOWS THIS! WHY DON'T YOU?!" - Jeremy Brenton Because Wrestling, and all those moves therein, is essentially FAKE. These moves do NOT EXIST!! Plus, why name ANY move properly when the Professional Announcers can't decide whether to call it a "Hurricarana" or a "Frankensteiner". Besides, EVERY move EVER created is just a variation of a Suplex, Bodyslam, Dropkick, or the Spinning Toehold. I'm Chris and this is the Mop-Up for the SECOND WEEK IN A ROW!!!!! I'm just as amazed as you. Okay, I have a few things that I wanted to discuss in these opening notes, but something came to my attention and I simply MUST take care of it. First, thanks to ALL the Scoops Writers (names withheld because I don't want to cause them any grief at the home base) who wrote to me and applauded the subject of my closer last week. Trust me, I got letters from a LOT of them. Apparently, he's even more of a spazz when I'm not around. Second, I've interviewed Mick Foley about as many times as your scary talented articles influenced someone on TV to improve their style. Thank you, case closed. Third, Scott Keith WOULD have commented on what I said last week, but doesn't want to give the publicity to ScoopThis. That's kind of like the folks at "Shasta McNasty" not mentioning "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire". Silly reasoning, ridiculous notion. BUT, he's smart. Stay OUT of my radar. Don't give me a reason to discuss you. If I'm not aware of you, then you won't anger me and I won't be encouraged to humiliate you. You want an example? Fine, keep reading. So, during the time I was away and unable to get online, people got cocky. Most of which I laughed off. Let them, because I knew they were just crossing their fingers and praying I wouldn't return. But... well, someone really jumped the gun here. Okay, someone who read a recapper and disagreed with what he said and sent him a nasty e-mail. Very nasty. This recapper posted the flame letter in his recap (gee, wonder where he got that idea from?). He also responded to the letter by saying: "And by the way, Jeremy, don't think I don't know who put you up to that last line. And tell him that if he ever mentions that ever again, I'm gonna get him thrown off another site." Okay, although I'm sure you can figure out who this is, I will not mention his name. Because this is a very special message to him. 1) Unless I do it in my column, I NEVER put ANYONE up to flame mail. Unlike SOME people, I do EVERYTHING out in the open for all to see. Also, I have no desire or any reason to send ANYONE after you. People don't like you, that's the bed you made, not me. Go sleep in it now and stop blaming others for you social inadequacies. 2) I don't like the implication of power that you claimed. Are you saying that YOU had me thrown off SCOOPS? Are you saying that ScoopThis posts my work on YOUR allowance? Remember nitwit, I LEFT SCOOPS. I still have the e-mail from Remy asking for my new codes so I can hook up with their new system. Up until the day before I premiered on STc, I was still a part of SCOOPS. Let's get back to that threat. If I EVER mention "that" again... well, now I am at a bit of a crossroads, and only YOU can tell me which direction to take. You see people, I have a bit of information on this "recapper". Information that would be devastating to him, if it got out. The four people I showed it to almost all agreed that it was a truly sad testimony to this guy's mental state. It was a message written by this "recapper" on a Medical newsboard site, in CASE he was wondering if there was a slim chance in HELL it's not him I am speaking of. And to write it on the NET, where someone like ME could get a hold of it... stupid, stupid, STUPID. It's SUCH a sad message, that I don't want to post it. ScoopThis probably wouldn't want to post it either. I COULD put it on Delphi and enough folks would read it before it was deleted. Or, I could just send it out by e-mail to ANYONE WHO ASKS. Then THEY could e-mail you and laugh at you. How would that be? Everytime you open your e-mail account, you'd be FLOODED with letters from people laughing at this very sad, very personal aspect of your life that never should have gone public. I don't WANT to do it. I have a soul. But I WILL do it. Because I can be a heartless scumbag. I'll do it with NO qualms, NO hesitations, and NO guilt. I'll do it because you annoyed me. You presumed to take a part in why I left Scoops. You TRIED TO GO ON A POWER TRIP ON ME AND ACT LIKE I DON'T OWN YOUR ASS LOCK, STOCK, AND BARREL!!!!!!!!!! So, I'm at a crossroads. Do I make the message public? Or do I keep it on hard drive and forget it ever existed? Well, it's up to you, buddy. If you ever... and I mean EVER discuss, mention, or even HINT AT my name again, in your loser recaps, or on Delphi, or ANYWHERE where it could get back to me... then I'm going to make it my MISSION IN LIFE that ANYONE who has ever even HEARD of you gets a copy of what I have. I will UTTERLY AND TOTALLY HUMILATE YOU FOR THE REST OF YOUR INTERNET LIFE WITH THIS. Or... you can shut up, behave, and enjoy the occasional shot I give you in this column, thanking whatever Tree you pray to that I am not back to talking about your Family. Please... I'm begging you... don't make me do the meanest thing I've ever done. Don't make me do something I don't want to do, yet I have this little voice inside me DEMANDING that I do. Don't give me an excuse to let that voice out. Here... everyone knows that you aren't that bright. So I'll make it as clear as possible. Grab onto this thought and live your life accordingly: DO NOT F**K WITH ME Stick with battling Luke Johnson, (who?). Stick with someone more in your league. Okay, sorry about that; but I had to catch up with what's been happening. The date on the above post was in late January, so obviously, numbnuts thought he got away with it, and might have been tempted to say something again. If there was any brains in that head, he will think twice about doing so the next time I vanish. That wraps up the Opening notes. According to the text that I'm typing on, it only took 3 pages. Cool. This week's closer is NOT about my former site, and NOT about anyone I used to work with. It's back to a little goofy ass fun that everyone will enjoy. BUT, before you blow off my carefully crafter recaps and make a beeline straight for the closer, please note that I'm doing something different this week. Well, I've done it before, but not for a while... and it was awfully popular the last time around. I have by my side, a 30 pack case of Budweiser. During the course of this four hour recap, I will start drinking this beer. By the end of the Nitro Closer, I will be completely smashed out of my mind. I did this last time over at SCOOPS roughly... err... 18 months ago? It was with Red Dog. I topped off at 28 beers. It took me like 20 hours to write the thing, so no I didn't need to get my stomach pumped. It's the MOP-UP: ALCOHOLIC'S DELIGHT SPECIAL EDITION PART II. Where part of the fun is watching this column digress into string of curses, non existent jokes, and some horrendous spelling errors. So no, it's no different from any other week I get around to writing one of these things. Remember, this is ALL legit. If I was making this up, I would have done it again a long time ago. I do this because I don't want you clowns thinking that Scaia's bullsh*t reputation as some sort of boozehound is representative of all Web Guys. Talking about what a lush you are, and having your loser online friends marvel at how you put down four WHOLE BEERS (WOW!!) at one sitting is a Geek's idea at power bingeing. Now sit back and let me show you how it's done. My Liver has an Ambulance standing by and my toilet is at diving distance. I can't think of a better time to start off the RECAP! RAW IS WAR: (or: Now, how can I get a Referee on MY bed?) -opens with Chuck Norris in... oh, right. Hang on. -Beer #1 opened. LET THE GAMES BEGIN!!!!!!!! -opens with Chuck Norris...uhh, hold on a bit... -Beer # 1 killed -Beer #2 opened. -Warm beer... friggin' gonna have gas all night now. -Opens with... oh WHO CARES about Chuck Norris?? The man has ridden out that "Code of Silence" fame for a LOOONG time now hasn't he? -WWF owns the WORLD now!!!! To my amazement, they didn't need the Body Donnas to do it either. -Last week, oh why bother talking about? Have you SEEN the ratings? Everyone saw it! -Except for Ike Turner. He was home, alone, broke, watching Tina on "Ally McBeal". Let me speak for ALL Ike fans out there when I say, "COME ON TINA!! GIVE IKE ANOTHER CHANCE!!!!!! HE'LL BE GOOD THIS TIME!!! HE WON'T HIT YOU UNLESS YOU REALLY, REALLY DESERVE IT!!!!" -Of course, I'm pretty much the ONLY Ike Turner fan out there... and even I'm more or less on the fence with this one. -Beer #2 killed -Beer #3 opened. -Just priming the pump, people. Like a good soup, you MUST have a base by which to build upon. -Uggh... hang on, I need a bowl of ice to rest this swill in. I just drank two cans of Cat Piss... and not the good kind like Dusty's either. -Opens with highlight footage from that emotional tug of war known as McMahon vs McMahon, Brother against Sister, Heir vs Heiress!! The winner gets the family fortune once Vince dies. The Loser gets custody of "Uncle Pat's Legal Problems". -BALLSIEST MOVE I CAN THINK OF THIS WEEK!!! Keeping HHH vs TBS as THE Wrestlemania Main Event. They might be cocky enough to think it could be sold!. -Beer #3 poured in iced mug -Beer #4 poured in same iced mug, thus I'm going for the double play. -Hey, if this bores you...GO AWAY!!!!!! -opens with... oh, right. -opening theme. ALL the "action" segments have been replaced with another "action" sequence. I see LOTS of Kurt Angle. There's at least one shot of Chris Benoit. Nice to see they didn't screw around getting him in there. -For the life of me, I've seen this opening theme hundreds of times, I can't remember a single sequence they used to have?!? -Fans and fireworks. Lots and lots of fireworks. Oh man, the VC is EVERYWHERE!!!! -Ross opens up by announcing that there is a HUGE power struggle brewing within the McMahon Family that could possibly EXPLODE tonight!! Then he mumbled "butdontholdyerbreathunlesswcwmounts themostmazingcomebackhistoryhaseverseen weplanonmilkingthisforthenextfiveweeks" -"Where are we this week?" I asked my TV screen -The TV screen did not answer. The TV screen must be a girl. Another cold, spiteful, heart ripping bitch that refuses to give me an OUNCE of resp... -Beer #3 and #4 killed -Iced mug smashed against my wall into a dozen iced shards. -Beer #5 opened -Shane MCcacman...(whoa, better ease up) McMahon and Paul "Da' Big Shoe" Wight come on out of the backstage and onto the ring. In the McMahon theme song was melded with Edge's theme, then we would have no chance in hell thinking we know him! BWAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA OH I KILL ME. -Oh F-It... I'll just puke it up later.. BEER #5 KILLED!!! BOOYAA AND DAMN THE TORPEDOES!!!!! -Ohh...gas. Best break out the milk and let things settle a little. -Ross says that many people are "speculating" that the Big Show will be the next WWF champion. These "people" are Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, and Bigfoot the Sasquatch -Shane looked at the crowd as they weakly tried to get a chant of "ASSH*LE" going. Then decided to get down to bizness. -We see clips of last week where TBS nailed HHH with HIV that sent him into the ICU to get a EKG to make sure his blood was AOK. -Oh, and he hit him with a few chairs too. Well, one chair. -The fans chant "ROCKY, ROCKY". Strange, I don't see Apollo, Clubber Lang, OR Ivan Drago in the ring? -We see Smackdown stuff where Shane was shoved down by HHH. We see that a few times too. -Shane admitted that HHH was "family". He was ashamed to admit it. -He said that he had to squash the Rock early, so he wouldn't rise up and dominate the WWF like Steve Austin did way back in those fun years before he got all cocky and refused to get involved with Jarrett in a program. What's the matter Austin? FEELING A LITTLE TOO FULL OF YOURSELF???? CHECK THE RATINGS!!! CHECK THE NUMBERS!!! WE DON'T NEED YOU ANYMORE!!!! -I felt a little toughlove was called for. -Yet, squishing the Rock was business, with HHH, it is PERSONAL. (Oh dear, here comes another 15 minute monologue only slightly less excruciating than Jay Leno's 20 minute borefests) -SIDEBAR: David Letterman's 8 minute chat with George W. Bush on the awkward satellite feed was ten times as interesting as Leno having him on live. Leno absolutely SUCKS, man -Shane says it was PERSONAL how HHH CONNIVED his way into their family. -Shane says it was PERSONAL how HHH got Vince so upset that he was driven out of the business that he created! (Uh uh... VINCE RUSSO AND ERIC BISCHOFF CREATED EVERYTHING!!! JUST ASK THEM!!!! Or Bob Ryder) -Shane says it was PERSONAL... ABSOLUTELY personal how HHH got Stephanie to get all into him (HHH's pecker is LEGENDARY... according to Al) and how she now looks and acts like a cheap SLUT (emphasized by Shane). -One question... actually, several, but for now, just one. How would Shane know what a "cheap slut" looked and acted like? -I'd throw in a cheap Sunny joke here, but the poor lass has been through enough. -In conclusion, Shane can't wait for Wrestlemania because the Big Show's gonna do this, and do that, and a few other things. None of which has anything to do with the WWF title, but they aren't that far along in the script yet, so patience is called for. -Oh yes, Shane announced that HHH will be enjoying a non title match tonight against Rikishi. Stick THAT in your Crackpipe and light it! -"One self, is this on?" (huh?) X-"Yo gimme a hit of that Triple H." (FAGG!!!) -HH don't forget that last H comes out with Stuffedfanny. Stephanie looks like just about any other girl you'd see nowadays. Which didn't stop Ross from saying she looked like a "SLUT! A MISBEGOTTEN, WELFARE CHECK RECEIVING, 9 KIDS ON CRACK, GARDEN VARIETY SLUT!!!!" The last time Ross went out on a date, Real women showed only their ankles and Sinatra wowed the Bobbysoxers. -Ross, "I have known this young lady since she was a girl, since she was a teenager, and she has changed, changed for the WORSE!!!" (Yeah, it's called a "period" or a "monthly". Happens two or three days a month. It's when a Woman's body bleeds naturally, and NOT from a smack that she probably deserved. Were you born in a Test Tube, Jimbo?) -They hit the ring. It's a Mexican Standoff that was nowhere near Mexico. Where were they anyway? -Chant of "SLUT, SLUT, SLUT". Bunch'a losers think they have a chance with Stephanie. -HHH got on the mic and preached family closeness and getting along with each other. (Show me one family that gets along and I'll start crapping out gold bullions) -HHH said that Wrestlemania is "the biggest SHOW there is", then pointed out the irony that "The Big Show" won't be able to...to...oh forget it. -Beer #6 opened. Let's show this get on the road! -Stephanie got on the mic and said that TBS will take on Kane in the very first match of the night. Because what goes around comes back around and knocks you across the back of the head like a lead balloon. All because you weren't paying attention. I think I will drink now, oh yes, it is time to drink some more. -ahh, watch the bubbles at the bottom dance delightfully around as you swig deeply. It's like your own personal "Fantasia". -Then Stephanie looked at Shane and said, "as far as you... calling ME... a SLUT??" -Shane nodded smugly. -Stephanie, "Well, nothing personal, but..." Then SLAPPED HIM RIGHT ACROSS THE (neck)FACE. -Ross, "GOOD GOD ALMIGHTY, GOOD GOD ALMIGHTY!!! SHE KILLED HIM!!" -Lawler, "Oh my God!" -Ross, "AS GOD AS MY WITNESS, HE IS BROKEN IN HALF!!" -Then Ross threatened to stop the show until someone backstage got off their butts and got down their to attend to Shane. -Shane was led out. Ross said that ANYONE at home who was NOT on their feet, giving Shane a Standing Ovation, well, they have no HEART!!! -Shane rebounded, TBS held him back. Ross converted to Muslim and thanked Allah. Then converted back to Baptist and thanked God. That boy LOVES to cover his bases. -Stephanie and HHH walked away. I defy anyone not to stare at her breasts and not admire the way she works them. -Shane stared at them as they left. My God, he is a STARTLINGLY handsome man. -These kids wrap up. Ross reminds us that Crash Holly had come up with the interesting angle where his Hardcore title was up for grabs ANYWHERE at ANYTIME. 24/7, we never close. -So anyways... we see the Mean Street Posse rolling a Breakfast cart over to Crash's room (not that it said, "CRASH HOLLY" on the door or anything, but I'm taking a license with the obvious here). There's a Referee with them, trying to get his shirt on. (Hmm, wonder what HE'S been up to?) Rodney (who looks less and less like a Spoiled Connecticut Blueblood every week) knocks on the door and says, "Room Service" twice, once as a woman and once as a man. I have no clue why I feel I have to get this specific with the details. -Crash opens the door. They SHOVE the cart into the room and into Crash Holly's gullet. Holly is wearing what looks like a bathrobe (or "Housecoats" to you high falutin' snooty snobs out there) with Tweety Bird on it. -I should have you know that Beer #7 has JOINED Beer #6 in a new Stein. Things are progreshing nicely. -The Mean Streeters and the Ref all fall on Holly's bed and try to pin him. The Ref lounges across the top part on his stomach and starts slapping the mattress. Why on EARTH does he have his legs curled up at the knees and his feet crossed together? A very "come hitherish" look for a Professional Referee! -All the Mean Streeters try to pin Holly, but they keep yanking each other off, (The MATTRESS!! PERVERTS!!). Lamps get broken, stuff gets thrown, bodies tussle on the bed. Jeezus, throw in a few Black people and you've pretty much got every single night of my Prison stay. Right around 1 am. Just trying to do my goddam time, goddammit. I didn't deserve to be so...so... -Remember that Beer #6 and #7 in the stein? SEE YAAAA!!!! -Oh Ill be takin it eashy now. -Pacing? I don' need no steekin' "pacing"!! -Holly runs out of there. The Mean Streeters make chase. Pete Gass stops and decides to eat that Breakfast. Nice little denouement to this story. -Ross, "BIG SHOW AND KANE IS NE..." -commercials. Annette O'Toole plays a Bounty Huntress in a USA Original movie. OOph, she should start hunting for her youthful looks. Or maybe a time machine, "48 hours" was a LOOOOOONG time ago. -Craig T. Nelson? Good Lord almighty. He looks like Craig T Nelson's father now. -Moments ago, Stephanie beat the hell out of Shane's neck. For some reason, Shane rubbed his jaw. -Kane came out. Paul Bearer was in all red. Like an overgassed Firetruck. -Overgassed firetruck... HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAWWWW... oh someone please rape me with a rabid Skunk -TBS came out with Kane. The only pre-match prep he seemed to have done was take off his earrings. -Shane was with him. -TBS enters the ring and the FIGHT IS ON!!!!!!!! TWO BIG MEN ARE GONNA KNOCK EACH OTHER AROUND ALL NIGHT UNTIL ONE SAYS "UNCLE"!!! THIS IS ACTION WE ALL HONOR AND LOVE!!! THIS... IS... WRESTLING!!!!! -TBS grabs Kane's big foot. Kane counters with an... an... "in-ze-gur-ee" sweep kick. See, I tried. Even though it was just a fancy schmancy DROPKICK!!!!! YOU LAME ASS MARKS!!!!! -Kane went tumbling over, thanks to Shane. -Kane walked towards Shane. Shane backed up and tripped over the steps. It's been a while? Hasn't it PUNK?????? -Cameras show Stephanie and HHH watching this in the back all snuggly. Ross said that Stephanie is one step away from propositioning Drivers at those Truckstops along the Highways and Byways. Lawler pointed out that they are married. Ross shot back, "Yeah? Well so wasn't Nicole Simpson!" Lawler was speechless. So was I. What the Hell did THAT mean? -The match went on. Am I crazy or do those backstage monitors have a better picture than my TV screen? Are they broadcasting in HDTV? -Shane with the top rope clothesline that he almost overflew. He got up pretty high. Speaking of "high" -Beer #8 CRACKED OPEN BAYBEE!!!! WHOOHOOOO -The two big men grabbed each other's throat at the same time. Or quick enough so that any time difference between when Wrestler A grabbed Wrestler B's neck to when Wrestler B grabbed Wrestler A's neck is negligible. -Then the Rock (for a second, I SWORE it was Lex Luger with a really deep tan) ran out and gave the Show a Rock Bottom. The Ref rang the bell. -Which did NOT stop Kane from giving Wight a chokeslam anyway. -Shane was hiding in the seats. We see a sign reading, "PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY". That's ALL it read. Are they in Dumbf**k, Nebraska? -Backshtage, Mark Henry was insisting that Mae Young take it easy and let HIM deal with the Dudley Boys. Mae said that she "has never been EASY and isn't gonna start being EASY now!!!" Ooooh, a little "double enten... inton... untun... play on words by the WWF scriptwriters. -Mark Henry reminded her that she just had a baby. -Mae Young reminded him that she didn't have a baby, she had a Hand. -Mark asked "whose hand was it anyway" (I like the American version with Drew Carrey better than that Brit version. Then pointed out to Mae that his hands were very, very dirty. Not to mention blacker than a lump of coal. -Mae changed the subject and promised that she'd be out with him tonight. -8 beers in and I still wouldn't do her. -commercials -The Acolytes did a pseudo commercial which riffed on "Pulp Fiction". Whatever keeps Ron Simmons active and happy is fine by me. -and HEY, an active tag team who don't care about the titles? Smart booking. -next week, they riff on the scene in "True Romance" between Chris Walken and Dennis Hopper. Only this time, after Bradshaw explains to Simmons that "Sicilians were spawned by (sorry, but some words I won't use even in an Edit-Free zone)", they both start laughing and make fun of the Wops. -APA Protection: 'cause we need Beer Money. Speaking of which... time fer a swig! -aaaah God that's good swill. -Mark Henry came out with Mae Young. We are treated to a replay of Mae Young giving birth to a hand. Maybe she raided Owen's Mortuary before burial and ate him? -They replayed this at 9:30!!!! KIDS ARE STILL AWAKE!!!!!! DAMN YOU VINCE!!! DAMN YOU ALL TO H... oh what do I care? I have no kids. Let them watch Bestiality Snuff movies for all I care. Let them be babysat by M.L Curly (so far, NOBODY has told me which site he used to write for... what's the matter? TOO EMBARASSING, BOB???????). I don't care... I HAVE NO RESPONSIBILITY!!!!! -BIG sign that read, "HAS ANYONE SEEN MY HAND?" Now THAT was funny. -The Dudley's came out. How cool are these boys? -Pretty F-ing COOL dammit. -Hmm... looks like McCain won Rhode Island! You know what they say, "The Road to the White House RUNS THROUGH THE BIGGEST LITTLE!!!! -Henry went one on one with Devon (pronounced "D-Von" by the White Trash audience). Much of which Henry dominated. -Ross mentioned that BB is "no longer with us": thanks to the Dudleys. I thought she was fired? I thought Scherer said, or maybe it was Meltzer? One of them... oh screw it. I got the hiccups now. I HATE the hiccups. -It didn't take long for Mae Young to get involved and give Buh Buh a Bronco Buster. To watch her smash her crotch into Buh Buh's face and grind and bounce and writhe and... and... and... oh God... -Beer #8 killed -Beer #9 opened -Beer #9 killed -Beer #10 O... HIC. Op... HIC... HIC... HIC... HIC -Oh gr-HIC-eat -Lawler giggled about how that move will le-HIC-ave a bad taste in Buh HIC Buh Ray's mouth. Ross demanded that he stop. -I have no ch-HIC-oice but to hold my nose, and chu-HIC-g this ten-HIC-th Beer in hopes of killi-HIC-ng the Hiccups. If this doesn-HIC-'t kill them, then it's tim-HIC-e for plan B. My f-HIC-irst visit to the toi-HIC-let -GASP...*insert chugging sound effects* GAAAAHHHHAAAAAHHHHHH - - - - - - -okay... everything checks out okay. Let us proceed. -Mark Henry won with a Powerslam. Then the Doodies gave him that Dudley Stone Cold Diamond Cutter Doohickey. -Then they set up a table in the ring. Buh Buh mounted to the top corner turnbuckle. With a hunk of Mae Young's hair in his hand. -Ross, "Oh come on!! You can't even think!! You can't even FATHOM!!" Well, they are and they are. -Buh Buh found himself in a position no rational man should EVER find himself in twice in the space of five minutes... with an old fart's crotch in his face. -Up she goes. -And down she went. NICE bump too. Damn, that bitch is TOUGH. Her neck BOUNCED -Buh Buh went into his trance. Ross called it "euphoric AND orgasmic". I cannot imagine a fitting sentence on this Planet that has the words "Mae", "Young", and "orgasmic" in it. -WWF Officials come a'runnin. Ross registered his dishgusht. can the Dudleys be stopped? Who knows and who cares? -Ross looked at the time, saw that it wasn't even 10:00 yet. And decided to tell us that tonight's show wasn't even over yet. Thanks Jim. -commercials -Roaddy Doggy and X-Paccy comes out. Road Dog says thatr we are in Springfield Massachusetts. Took me 45 minutes to learn this. -They all hit the ring. Road Dog did a poem. Something about the local Police District and lots of rhyming. I was thoroughly bored. I AM thoroughly bored. -Hey, I got a good idea. Since I, myself am currently "feeling nada pain", let's piss off a web master. Heh..heh heh...HAW!!! -I'm gonna call Bob Ryder. I have his phone number, in case you didn't hear. -QUICK, QUICK... Ye Old Mighty Tongue, go RUNNING over to Bob and shoot him an e-mail about what that a-hole Hyatte is doing!!!!!! -Let's see...area code 225.. 76... oh we will NOT be revealing anything else thank you very MUCH. -phone's ringing. -chances arrrre, 'cause I wear a silly grinnnnnn... whenever you come byyyyyyy -HELLO... hello. Is "Internet Guru" Bob Ryder there? It's Mark Madden calling. *start panting heavily in the phone* -She said, "one moment". Nice sounding lady too. -Hello? Bob? This is Mark *GASP WHEEZE* Hey Bob, do you know Prince Albert? -Yeah.. well, do you have Prince Albert in a can? -You do? WELL YOU BETTER FREE HIM!! MY GOD BOB, HE'S DROWNING!!!!!!!! -Oh okay, this isn't Mark Madden. Hey Bob? Bob on this! -Bob hangs up. -BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA HAW HAW HAW HOO HO HO HO HEE HEE HEEEEEE YEEEEEEEAH BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OH MAN THAT FELT GOOD!!!! -Oh man... I RULE!!!!!!!!!!!! Folks, you just don't SEE Zimmerman doing this kind of stuff. -Meanwhile, the Newer Age Outlaws fought Too Cool, who have two HUGE crowd poppers on their side. That whole "Worm" sequence (which took me by surprise faster than the popularity of the "People's Elbow", and the end thing where Christopher puts on a pair of goggled before launching himself. -The match lasted a while, then Kane ran out and gave X-Pac a few swipes. Then he chokeslammed Road Dog. We got to see the Worm AND the moment where Christopher put on his goggles, before Torrie dropped him on his crotch. Not even a halfway bad match either. All told, well worth your viewing pleasure. -Now THAT'S a recap. Fart Keith, take notes. -commercials. Ad for a movie called "Whatever It Takes". I don't know who that chick is, I don't know how OLD she is, nor do I CARE. All I know is that I want her, I need her, I have to marry her, and I need to violate her ass. -Eh, I don't need to marry her. -Jesus, I want to screw her belly button. -Beer #10 is killed. Let us Pray -Beer #11 is opened. I will make the last two beers work for the rest of the show. -By the way, so far I've taken 6 piddles. Many of which in my trousers. -On the last Smackdown, Sergeant Slaughter came out of retirement to show that Kurt Angle that America is STILL all about fat old men who don't know when to give it up!! (*sniff God I love my country sniff*) Speaking of the Sarge, whatever happened to his AWA mortal enemy, Colonel DeBeers? That South African Racist who molested EVERYTHING Slaughter stood for? -Kurt Angle came out with a mic. He reminded us just who he is, what his gimmick is, and how many WWF titles he owns. (Do any of you realize just how old school Angle is? I mean, he's a total Heel, no face in him, people LOVE to boo him, and he's the current IC champ! This is a CLASSIC 80's character!) -Kurt was on the mic and said that even though he is all sorts of great right now, he knows that he could wake up at any time, and instantly become a nobody, like every one of the crowd in attendance tonight. (Now really, who would argue? Springfield Mass is NOT the hub of Cultural Significance!! I mean, the Primary Star of the town is Hank, who will change your oil AND check your tires for under $20) -Angle called Chris Jericho a "has been". He also called him a "washed up, former champion, long haired, sideburned... sideburned, POTTY MOUTH with no moral values whatsoever" (Wow, take away the long hair and he just summed up me!?) -Jericho came out. By the luck of ye Gods, he had a mic with him. (Vince is a GENIUS!!) -He welcomed us to Raw. Thanks Chris! -"Is Jericho"! (ah Hell) -He admitted that "Kirk Angel" has the belt. but also admitted that he had bad breath AND a bad case of "B.O." -Jericho said that he would much rather look like "this", then look like a 30 year old, never kissed a woman, Olympic geek, who still lives at home with his Mommy. (WELL, if, like me, you take away something... ahh, let's say that "Olympic" part, who do YOU know that looks like a 30 year old, never kissed a woman, Geek who still lives with mommy? What Internet guy resembles THAT? Hmm, I wonder? -NO NOT AL ISAACS!!! He's happily married to a FOX! No, not a real Fox, a BABE Fox. -It's the "lives with Mommy" part. What Internet freak still lives with Mom? Oh. I don't know. -Man... I am.. I am quite ripped. -Jericho told Mrs Angel to put down her Whiskey Sour, put down the Corn Chips, and watch her boy get the beating he will never... etc. etc. -They go at it. -Jericho starts it off with a Double Underarmed Backbreaker, which Ross called a "Tilt-A-Whirl Backbreaker. Yeah, it really matters if I call it a "Dragon" instead of a "German" suplex. -Lawler asked Ross if Angle really lived with his mother. Ross confessed that he didn't know, but said that ANYONE over the age of 23, should have moved OUT by now. Hey Losers? WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR???? -Well, okay, I waited until I was 24 and my Mother was dying from Brain Cancer. But Jeeze, you couldn't expect me to BABYSIT her???? I mean, once the sex dried up, why should I have stuck around??? -Aw Ma... you hot little slut. Here's to ya' -ahhhhhhhh -Jericho was backed into the corner and ate a few punches. Jericho rebounded with chops and lots of them. Lawler admitted to be attracted to Kurt Angle. Lawler's been through so many babes, he must be bored by now! -Jericho hits the Ref with a Flying Forearm. -Jericho goes for the Springboard Dragon Suplex (oh F-YOU), then goes for the pin. -The Ref stayed down. Jericho went to assist him. Angle tried to hit him with the IC belt, Jericho defended and went for the Walls of Jericho. -Angle crawled towards the ropes,. Jericho pulled him back. All hope seemed to be lost. -Then someone knocked the camera that was in use at the time and hit the ring. -We see BOB BACKLUND fight to get the Crossface/Chicken Wing on Jericho. yet Jericho wasn't selling the arm move, so his arm stood straight out. -Bob's mouth hung ajar as he fought with this. -GOD FRICKIN' BLESS BOB FRIGGIN' BACKLUND!!!!! THE COOLEST HEEL I'VE EVER SEEN!!!!!!! -WWF Officials ran in. Jericho was released. Bob did everything but stare at his hands (AND WHY NOT???) -Jesus, Backlund is the ODDEST looking person I've ever seen! -Jesus, I LOVE BOB BACKLUND!!! -Not in a gay way... in a MARK OUT way!!!! -Give him 3 minutes on the mic and he will crack YOU UP!!!! -Backstage, a giant ass fills the screen. I have three thoughts almost at once: -1) God, Chyna has really let herself go -2) God, is that a hand sticking out of his crack and a voice saying, "Help me, help me!" -3) God, why am I as hard as a rock right now? -commercials -Beer #11 killed -We shall wait a bit before we wrap up the first dozen. I want to finish the RAW column before midnight. -Triple Douche comes to the ring with Studebakenie (HAW HAAAW). Since when, even in a non title fight, does the champ come out FIRST? -We see the time when Shane was slapped. -We are informed that the second hour has arrived. Which means that right now, Tony Schiavone is screaming, "WE WILL STAY ON THE AIR AS LONG AS IT TAKES TO BRING YOU THE FINISH OF THIS PAY PER VIEW QUALITY MATCHUP!!!!!!! -Rikishi Phatu came out. As much as I refused to believe at first, it seems that finally, in this incarnation, Fatu/Sultan/Rikishi has FINALLY... "made a difference"... tickle my balls and call me sunshine. -HHH on the early offensive. KICK HIS FAT ASS HUNTER!!!!!!!! -HHH went for the pedigree. Phatu backdropped him. Phatu started slapping his ass. HHH got out. No hetero man in this Universe should intentionally slap his ass. -Backstage. TBS and Shane were watching this on that HDTV monitor. Lucky John Jakes Novel. -Phatu clotheslines HHH in the corner. Ross called it "overpowering, SMASHMOUTH offense" (a wee bit too early to send out subliminal messages about Vince's football aspirations Jimbo, don'cha think?) -The ass went in HHH's face. Considering HHH's large nose, doesn't that qualify as porno? I mean, there WAS penetration! -HHH went for the knee. Because he is the CHAMP!! -HHH tossed Phatu into the corner post on the outside. Ross claimed it shook the ring. No it did NOT!!!!!! STOP THE LYING!!!! -Camera spots Stephanie making "evil" faces as HHH stomps away. Ross asks "Now is that the face of an angel?". Considering what JR looks at in the mirror; stones, houses, glass? -HHH uses a Phatu offensive to make an offense of his own. Ross applauds him for always thinking "one move ahead". Well gee, doesn't the workers here know ALL the moves in their matches? -The Fu** am I talking about? -Rikishi with a Big Sumo Drop. -Lots of jokes about saying the word "backfire" around Rikishi. Ross acknowledged that it might blow his hat off. I don't get it? -Rikkirachtman went for the turnbuckles. Stephanie made some noise. HHH grabbed a chair and nailed him with it. The Ref DQed him. -Then the Rock ran out and caused the same trouble he caused almost an hour ago. Then he arranged it for Rikishi to drop trou on HHH. The fact that two Samoans (Fijians?) ganged up on a helpless white person is TESTIMONY TO THE RACIAL STRIFE AND POWDERKEG SOCIAL INJUSTICE THAT MAKES LIVING IN THIS COUNTRY A WEE BIT MORE DIFFICULT NOW THATN 50 YEARS AGO!!!!! GOD, WE HAVE GOT TO CLONE FDR TO BRING HIM BACK AND MAKE SENSE OF ALL THIS!!! -Too Cool came out and the dancing begun. Hey, if I wanted to see a really fat guy dance, I'd... I'd... I'd... well, there really isn't anyplace where I COULD see a fat guy dance... is there? -The Rock is hosting Saturday Night Live sometime soon. If we are REALLY lucky, there might be a Cheerleader Sketch! -commercials -footage of what we just saw. Scroll up if you forgot all ready. -Shane and TBS took off to "console" HHH. "Console HHH?" One of them asked? "Yes, console HHH" the other one answered. Folks, it's crackerjack writing like this that makes the WWF #1. -As the Hardy Boyz came out... -Al Snow is telling a WWF stagehand that he wants Steve Blackman's new entrance to have streamers, cheese platters, and lots and lots of Midgets (sounds like every gay wet dream I've ever had). Then Snow left. -Blackman showed up to tell the kid that if any of Snow's suggestions occur tonight, he's gonna rip the kid's throat out. Then he saw that Snow was coming back and told the kid, "Keep smiling." -Snow and Blackman left. The kid stood there looking like Patterson just asked him to come into the locker room for an alcoholic rubdown. -"alcoholic rubdown". That reminds me. -Beer #12 opened. And I'm gonna NURSE this sucker. -Steve Blackman and Al Snow came out. Snow noted that there were none of the accouterments that he asked for, then shrugged his shoulders. -It was a one on one affair between Blackman and one of the Hardys. -See. What we had here was a longish match. Decent as matches go. But the crowd had ZERO energy for it. Nor did Lawler and Ross. In fact, Lawler was so mellow that many times I caught him speaking in his somber voice. The kind of voice he uses for serious occasions. You can't blame Snow, he tried to work it. You can't blame the Hardy Boy, they are HOT right now. -Gotta blame Blackman. Because as Sherlock Holmes once said, "Once you eliminate the possible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth." -Face facts kids, Blackman ain't happening. -He DID win after jumping off the ropes and HAMMERING the Hardy with a front kick that sort of DROVE itself into the kid. The pin came mucho easy afterwards. -Backstage, Shane and HHH decide that the Rock can fight Chris Benoit in a cage later tonight. -Ross, with a mouthful of what HAS to be Cheetoos, "Wait a minuph? The Rock.. an Ben... WHAAAPHT?" -commercials -The Edge and Christian came out. Terri Runnels came out with her breasts sticking out from under her top in that style made popular by David Lee Roth's "Yankee Rose" video. -That's right, I'M TALKING ABOUT THE YANKEE ROSE!!! BRIGHT LIGHTS in your CITY LIGHTS all right I'M IN LOVE WITH THE YANKEE ROSE!!!! -WHEN SHE WALKS, WALKS, THE SPARKLES FLY!!!!! FIRECRACKERS ON THE FOURTH OF JULY!!!!! NO SAD SONGS TONIGHT, SOMETHING'S IN THE AIR you can feel it cant'cha? YOW!!! I FEEL A STATE OF INDEPENDENCE!! SO PRETTY WHEN HER ROCKET'S FLARE!! STILL PROVING EVERY NIGHT THAT HER FLAG'S STILL THERE!!!!!! SHE'S A VISION FROM COAST TO COAST coast to cooooast SEA TO SHINING SEA sea to shining seaaa HEY SISTER YOU'RE THE PERFECT TOAST make a toast... BRIGHT LIGHTS in your CITY LIGHTS all right I'M TALKING ABOUT THE YANKEE ROSE!!!!!! -Y'know, I really think Roth thought that song would become a major part of Americana! -Y'know, I really think Roth thought he could thrive without Van Halen! -Saturn, Malenko, and Eddie Guerrero came out. Two of them were fighting. One of them was not. One of them was Mexican. Do the match and play the odds. -In WCW, this would be a 10 minute clinic. -Christian jumped off Edge and hit Saturn in the corner. Terri joined the announcers. Terri made bullhorns with her fingers on the top of her head. I can think of a couple of more livelier places to put those fingers. -Edge with the Gourdbuster on Saturn. -Edge and Baptist with the Double Flapjack on Malenko -The Radicals (surfing FREAKS) went to work on Edge's leg. -Lawler asked Terri where she was going later. She said that she might go to the Norman Rockwell Museum. Lawler said he LOVED Museums. Must feel like home to the old frog. -Ross encouraged them to get a room. At this point, Dustin Rhodes' head exploded. -Malenko twisted Edge's ankle. This is Crash TV at it's finest. -Lawler asked Terri what she expected out of Edge and Christian. Terri said, "Umm, well, I expect the BEST out of these guys." HEENAN, COME BACK!!!!!! BOBBY, WE MISS YOUUUUUUU!! -OH F-It, SLICK!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU SLICK??????? WE NEED YOU SLICK!!!!!!!! -Ross continued to get pissy. Terri asked him if he needs a dose of "nature's tranquilizer". I thought I knew EVER bit of sexual inn... innuwen.... double speak... but that's lost on me. -Terri left the announce area and tended to Edge, who was knocked out of the ring with Malenko. Malenko shoved Edge, who crashed into Terri, who went down and gabbed her knee. The camera caught all of this from over her head, so any chance of a free nipple shot was erased... and you KNOW that those nips were flying just as pretty as you please. -Meanwhile, Saturn and Malenko gave Christian a little "Double Elimination" and won the match. Terri walked away unhurt and with her fingers near her head. Edge loudly said "D'OH" then went about setting up his Wrestlemania match with his Brother. -We see footage of when the Mean Street Posse attacked Crash Holly. -We see Viscera walking down a hallways growling "I'M HARDCORE, I'M HARDCORE!" I threw my credit card at the screen and went to change my underwear. -commercials -Crash Holly came out. -Viscera came out. Meanwhile, I am well underway in killing the half case. -Viscera turned around so that everyone can bask in the glory that is overdosing on Carbs. So Crash hit him with a chair. -Viscera turned around and nailed him with a clothesline, through the chair. -Ross, "Good Lord, Viscera is a MOUNTAIN!!!!" It took the man 2 years to come up with that. -Viscera beat Crash all the way into the back. Where a broom was broken over someone white skin. -Crash was just getting wasted. -He was dragged all the way into a large conference room, usually reserved for press conferences. Hence the name "Conference Room" Where would y'all be without me? -The Acolytes were in that room, quietly enjoying a game of Rummy. They had that ridiculous door set up with no surrounding wall in sight. -Viscera dumped Holly on a table. -Holly found the will to fight back (I would have curled up in a fetal position and started sucking my thumb, among other things) and hit Viscera in the back with a chair. -Viscera went THROUGH THE DOOR EVEN THOUGH THERE WAS NO WALLS SURROUNDING IT and crashed into the Acolytes card game. -Of course, the Acolytes beat the crap out of him. -Crash fell on top of Mabel and won the match. -The Acolytes beat up Crash, then argued each other over who owes who what. Someone owes me an explanation as to why there's a door there with NO WALLS AROUND IT!!!!!!!! -commercials -We see why Mae Young is no longer among the living. -Michael Kole talked to the Rock. Figure it out yourself, doucheface -Beer #12 killed. -Beer #13 opened. Screw it, screw you, screw your mother, and screw SCOOPS I'M BOOZING AND ALL IS RIGHT WITH THE WORLD!!!!! -Mark Henry raids the Dudley locker room and ends up getting tuned. -commercials. Wrestlemania.com has a contest where the best sign gets free stuff. You can try, but chances are "HYATTE RULES" will get you, and excuse my French, "Jacques Shit". -Chris Benoit came out with his boys, then sent his boys away. -He entered the ring and immediately realized that one of the cage walls is as secure as Owen's harness. I heard him mutter, "friggin' McMahon" -The Rock came out. He circled the cage, entered the ring, and started kicking. -The Rock levels Benoit with a clothesline, then climbed up the cage. He was yanked down. -Early in, Shane and the Big Show came out to watch. -Ross said that "many" have said that TBS will be the next WWF champ. Well, when asked, Ronald Reagan actually said, "Mommy, shall we nuke Gorbachev into the Stone Age today?" I GUESS that counts. -The Rock tossed Benoit over the ropes and down into the space between the ropes and the cage. The looseness of the cage allowed Benoit's foot to stick outside. -Stephanie and HHH came out too. -The Rock was dropkicked right into the cage wall. the friggin' thing almost popped out. -Benoit with a HUGE clothesline. -Benoit tried to climb the cage, the Rock knocked him down. -The Rock was tied up in the ropes, Benoit stomped on him, then tried to climb out. -Key word is "tried" -Beer #13 is KILLED. I have lost all feeling in my face. I feel like JR. -Both men take turns being hurled into the cage. -Benoit hits the top rope Headbutt. NOT on top of the cage, because Snuka wasn't around. -The Rock with a Spinebuster. -Benoit with a pair of DRAGON SUPLEXES!!!!! (EAT ME, MARK BOYS!!!!!!!!) -Rock Bottom. -They both try to climb out. The Rock is shoved down. -The Rock Powerbombs Benoit off the top rope. -The Rock climbs to the top. HHH meets him there. -The Rock hits HHH until he falls. TBS catches him, then falls down. -The Rock gets down and wins. -Shane, HHH, and TBS attack the Rock and throw him back in the ring. Benoit has slunked off. -TBS holds the Rock up. HHH comes at him with a chair. -The Rock ducks and TBS eats a chair. The Rock escapes after chasing Shane up and over the cage a little. -The show ends with the good guy winning, the bad guys mad, and the two Rock haters out there VERY disappointed. I don't know how the show was and I don't care. Go read the Nitro column or don't. I have that bad feeling in my stomach and I'm not shipper on the prospect of doing ANOTHER two hours. I'll do it, but I won't be thrilled about it. I didn't make the midnight deadline either. I drank 13 beers in the space of 7 hours. I'm too old for this sh-t.