Raw Mop Up ... by Chris Hyatte
Raw 3/9/98...cont'd
- Goldust comes to the ring with Luna. He is wearing his full GD outfit (I'm still waiting for that Ric Flair impression). Upon seeing Luna (who is kind of cute...when she isn't snarling), Lawler remarked that his "hormones are jumping out of his pants!"...I still give the line to Heenan. As Goldust started to handcuff Luna to the post, Lawler said that, "Sticks and stones may break my bones...but whips and chains excite me!!". Ross had to pour some cold water on Lawler's lap.
- Sable and Mero came out...Sable went after Luna, but Mero held her back. They bickered right until she was handcuffed.
- They cut to Luna..who was licking her cuffs. Ross cracked me up by saying, "My momma just fainted after seeing that! Oh Good Lord!". Sable looked like she was going over her dance steps for her Nitro Girl try-out.
- So the match was on....Goldust started to fudge with Sable a little bit...you know..feeling himself up and all (Hey Dustin..WRONG CHEST!!").
- Soon enough, Mero went down and the ref went down. AFKAG dropped a leg on the ref to keep him down. Then he reached into the ref's pocket (I clearly saw the ref mouth, "Hey Pal! That's not the key!! But don't stop!!).
- Goldust uncuffed Luna and they went for Sable. Luna grabbed Sable in a chinlock and started rubbing heavy makeup on her face. Sable was freaking so much that I thought her thingys would pop out (one could hope..couldn't one?). The smearfest continued until WWF officials came a'running (somewhere in America, Ike Turner was watching this....and taking mental notes, "Damn..maybe if I tried that with Tina, she would have stayed?"). Sable was SCREACHING at the top of her lungs...and she used the word "bitch" a lot. Mero had to restrain her as they went to some...
- commercials
- footage of what just happened.
- Goldust and Luna backstage. Goldust challenged Mero and Sable to a mixed tagger at WM. You know...Luna is really kind of cute..and she has a GREAT body.
- uggh..then she started to talk...at the time, I was talking to my girlfriend on the phone....Jeezus Crow, at one point, I couldn't tell the two apart....did my girlfriend just threaten to ruin my "Este Lauder face"?
- In a long segment...JR talked to Mike Tyson. Tyson also sounds a lot like my girlfriend....I was wondering why she kept on telling me that everyone uses everyone? And it struck me odd that Tyson was telling me that his period was late.
- commercials
- As Savio Vega was waiting in the ring, WWF security came out in force. HHH came out and it was on..
- For not long though. Austin charged and attacked WWF officials. He was about to jam with HHH when Michaels came out and superkicked him. Austin was out for a bit....long enough for HHH to hold him up and HBK to aim a chair at him..JUST as the chair was about to connect...
- the show ends....WHAT THE??? OH FOR CHRISSAKES!!!
Bad ending...horrible. On that alone, I'd give it to NITRO...but there is a problem. You see..I missed the first half hour of RAW. For all I know, THE UNPREDICTABLE JOHNNY RODZ could have came out and promise to start kicking ass and slapping some sense into this federation!! For all I know, Andre the Giant and Big John Studd could have risen from the dead (courtesy of Kane's connections) come out to the ring, and get it on "one more time". FOR ALL I FRIGGIN' KNOW, Latrell Sprewell may have came out and state that he just joined the WWF to learn how to deal with bosses in a responsible way!!! I know that DIDN"T happen...but it COULD'VE!! It wouldn't be fair if I judged the shows on what I didn't see!! So it's a tie. Tie game, goose eggs all around, deal with it! Big time closer time...enjoy and LEARN.
The Mop-Up is always growing, it's always adding new and new readers....(even when it's impossible to find the friggin' thing). So, even though I had already gave up a looooong explanation as to why I am a lot harder on Nitro and WCW in general...new readers still want to know why. So, here it is...(but if you already read my first explanation..keep reading...there is plenty of new stuff here).
First off, I root for the underdog. I grew up on the WWF and the NWA on TBS. I also watched World Class Championship wrestling on Saturday Mornings..then later on ESPN. Back when the WWF was king, I cheered harder for NWA/WCW...it's just that I didn't have a forum at the time. That's basically what I said the first time I offered the explanation. Now that I have had time to think about it...I can offer new info...read along and see if you agree.
If I was 15 years younger, and not a wrestling fan in the 80's..then I would probably be a HUGE WCW mark (although I really doubt that I would like Bischoff.....in any alternative universe). If all this was new to me..and I was less "jaded", then I would totally mark out. Let's face it, WCW has ALL the huge stars, (except of course for the WWF Big Three..I'm sure you can name them), and lately..they have been booking some spectacular looking pay per views ("Uncensored" looks sensational on paper...but so didn't "Starrcade"). If I was younger, I would be tickled pink whenever Public Enemy would crash into the tables (Quick story..one time after P.E. took on High Voltage in a Philly Street fight, a friend of mine called me to talk about how WILD the match was....I quickly ran over to his house with ECW's "Barely Legal" and showed him the 3 way main event dance with the Sandman, Stevie Richards, and Terry Funk...needless to say, he lost his hard on for the Nitro match in a hurry). Right now, Hogan is a classic heel, Hall and Nash seem unbeatable, the NWO is a great concept, and the Macho Man is....well Savage!. Hell, I would probably get into Sting, even though I'd still be disgusted in his 18 month vacation. Right now, WCW is structured for the "new generation" of family entertainment...as well as for the "casual fans" who really wouldn't be reading these web pages..so they ain't reading this right now. The beauty is that they are using stars from yesteryear to attract a new audience.....so they get the best of both worlds.
But the thing is..I AM jaded. I've seen all this before. Other than a few variations, WCW isn't doing anything different. There have been times when I watched Nitro...and caught an INTENSE feeling of "deja vu" that I saw all this a decade and a half ago. Bad referee's, folks turning heels, Hogan vs Savage, Piper vs Hogan, The Giant vs the "next tall guy" (hello? John Studd?). I'm not saying that IT'S EXACTLY THE SAME; I'm just saying that it's like WCW simply is picking up where the WWF "Hulk-a-mania" era ended. It's engineered for the audience that I was included in 15 years ago. With no real strides for progression. I'm not saying that it's a bad idea...it's just not one that longtimers like me can really get into. Oh yeah, I'm also hard on them because Bischoff cares more about his ratings for the next Nitro, the next Thunder, and ESPECIALLY for the next Pay Per View than he cares for his audience....that's why Tony is one of the most hated announcers in the world. That's the simple truth..and you all know it.
Okay, now that I put things in perspective, it's time for some compliments. Yes, Bischoff is a raging ego out of control (I haven't read the transcripts from his "Off the Record" appearance, but I'm sure he stuck his foot in his mouth). Yes, Bischoff is clueless as to how effectively book over a long period of time. But, he has done some things that were great concepts, and followed through with them superbly. In other words, here are some of Bischoff's GOOD IDEAS:
1) The creation of the NWO. For months, I couldn't watch RAW...I was too busy waiting for Nash and Hall to do or say something else. The NWO's "We're talking over" idea has pretty much ran it's course, but it's still the best stable out there...and one of the best in history.
2) Hogan turning heel. This move extended his career...period. Of course, it's still Hogan, just under different circumstances...which means that we are getting sick of the "bad Hulk" too. (I know, I know...Hulky dreamed up the idea all by himself, but I doubt Vince would have EVER allowed it.)
3) Bischoff keeps them happy. Let's face it...EVERYONE gets a WCW push if they deserve it, (one of Vince's weaker points). Uncle Eric is juggling over 60 guys...and pretty much all of them gets a push and many get a new push after a while. Jericho mildly complained about his position, BOOM..he gets a heel push. Eddie Guerrero is aggravated...BOOM here comes a push. Eric is taking no chances of anyone jumping ship to the WWF..he really works to keep everyone happy. Rumor has it that a bunch of mid carders are sick and tired of being shoved aside so Ed Leslie can get airtime...if Bischoff keeps them happy, then it cements my point. Hell, Eric keeps some of the sports BIGGEST egos happy...that's QUITE an accomplishment.
Of course, for every good thing he does..there are 10 DUMB things..(you know..I GUESSED IN OCTOBER that he would fight Zbyszko at Starrcade.... I also GUESSED that it would be the match right below the Hogan/Sting main event...don't tell me I don't know this guy..I have him PEGGED) that he is responsible for. I don't like him, probably never will..but I DO like WCW and it's wrestlers (well, except for Konan and Glacier and Riggs and Norton and the Ultimo Dragon). It's just that...well....been there, done that.
I told you it's extra long this week. Next week, Raw is on Tuesday rather than Monday...so I'll be doing a little "two parter thing"..be cool..it's the Mop-Up in it's entirety....you lucky bastards! I'll get in tons of fun, loads of laughs, and a variety of ways to swear on the web and get away with it. That's next week, for this week..just remember...."Jack and Jill went up the hill......Each with a buck and a quarter......Jill came down with $2.50....OOOOOH........the whore"
This is Hyatte
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