Nitro Mop Up ... by Chris Hyatte

read the Raw recap first...3/11/99 Mop-Up Nitro Let me ask you this question, what is more difficult to believe? USA thinking about making RAW a 3 hour show? Or that Hogan and Nash are secretly conspiring to destroy the WCW from within by making horrible booking moves in the hope of dismantling the company and one day making their return to the WWF?? Think this over and tell me....WHICH ONE SOUNDS REAL AND WHAT SOUND RETARDED?????? And for the record.....that thing about Hogan and Nash planning to destroy WCW with the power of the book.....it was a rumor NOT STARTED BY AL ISAACS!!!!! Jerkoffs NITRO (or Just when you thought things couldn't get worse....) -opens with footage of the cage being built......instead of watching Nitro, these non union laborers are busy on the cage.......turns out they made a smart move. -footage from Thunder where Arn Anderson cornered Flair and expressed his disappointment in Ric in dealing with his son. Papa Flair said, "Hey Arn, in case you didn't notice, the bitch is a hottie....and I was getting worried about David....he was hanging around Saturn too much. Arn responded that this isn't cool at all, no matter what the chick looked like......Flair advised Arn to put his hand down his pants and check to see if anything else was going numb. (I know, I used that joke over on RAW too....F-YOU!!!!!) -commercials...including a spot for a Goldberg Career Respective video....as well as a Page video.....that now joins that Sting and Savage videos.....I SWEAR...they would sell their souls to Dillenger if he could make us all think that there was no such thing as wrestling before Goldberg came around. -It's a clip showing all the fun to be had at the pre-Nitro party held in MY hometown (sort of) Providence R.I....Brown University......one day, I'll tell you about the time I woke up in a Brown dorm room wearing nothing but one sock, a nipple ring, smeared lipstick, and a sticky condom.........I was too afraid to see who was sleeping next to me..but when I saw that Priest collar on the nightstand.....I ran like HELL -Rikki Rachtman.....who is there just because Eric is SO in touch......is working another LIVE Nitro party from Brown.....I was there live...which explains why you're reading this on Thursday.....I was the guy shaking his head wildly and screaming YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH -No...no...I was REALLY the one screaming, "WHY IS SCOOPS BRINGING IN ANOTHER RECAPPER????????????" -Oh of course not.....I am REALLY the one screaming, "I'M CHRIS HYATTE!! WHO WANTS AN AUTOGRAPH????" - "Up Close and Personal" with AC Jazz....she talked about her dogs, her dead father, and how she can wear those white shorts during her period. -footage from Thunder where Hogan talked about how Flair is really a douche....and how nobody likes him (Hogan) whether they are "shooting" or "working".......he even called himself "Hulk"...so you KNOW that he was speaking from the heart....or whatever that steroid infested slab of jello that he has in there is called now. -sadly...this may have been Hogan's initial (Phase 1...so to speak) attempt to get the face turn going again.......does he really think anyone would WANT to cheer for him again? -call me crazy...but so far there has been NO Schiavone....NO Tenay....NO Zbyszko.....NO opening squashes....NO Okerlund interviews.....NO Bischoff.......NO wrestling at ALL.....Hell, we haven't even seen the inside of the building yet......this is shaping up to be the BEST NITRO EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -commercials -It's a new Konan T-shirt......it has the numbers 187 on it.....which means in Police lingo that someone has been killed....this being a G rated show now....I think it means that Konan killed Bambi's mother. -Konan is at Brown and goes into his hip-hop dialogue.....The Rhode Islanders are mortified....there are no Hispanics in Rhode Island...we bussed them all to Boston. -well..there is one......and when we find him... -Konan's video.....K-Dick makes Shaq's rapping seem poetic. -Alas...in real life...Konan is whiter than Eddie Haskell -clip of Hogan and Nash reviewing Flair's monologue from last week....obviously, they were watching RAW when the live segment aired last week...JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE...YEEEEEAH...FU** YOU BISCHOFF!!!!! WHY AREN'T YOU ON PRODIGY NOW??? BRAGGING ABOUT HOW VINCE IS PATHETIC????? -Funny bit....when Flair talked about that blonde he met twenty years ago....Nash piped in, "Yeah! Buddy Landell!!"....then Hogan retorted, "Or Buddy Rose!!" I was giggling like a schoolgirl feeling her newly developed boobies rub against her sweater...... -Speaking of Buddy Rose...I read somewhere that he is now labeled a "deadbeat dad".....YOU GO BOYEEEE!!! KEEP ON RUNNING!!!!! NO GOOD BRAT DOESN'T DESERVE YOUR ATTENTION!!!!!!! AND WHY DOES HE LOOK MORE LIKE DOUG SOMERS THAN YOU???? -ahh...nothing like kicking it old school one time.....beeeeatch -By the way.....note to Kevin Nash...concerning that open letter you sent over the "net about that Inside Edition expose.....I know you were looking to be poignant.....but that sentence, "What do I know? I'm just a pro wrestler"..got old REAL fast.....it was too much like that 100 year old letter that Dear Abby trots out 3 or 4 times a year...the one that says, "Please God, I'm only 16". -But what do I know? I'm just a recapper......a pretty bad one at that.....especially since someone decided to bring in ANOTHER RECAPPER RIGHT HERE ON SCOOPS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I HAVE NEVER BEEN SO INSULTED IN MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!! -Oh bullcrap....I've been insulted PLENTY of times....just go to RSPW one time....look up my name.....they rip the beejeezus out of me. -Hogan and Nash decide to move to plan B....how ominous...how forboding....how much longer until RAW comes on? -a special production look at the horseface that is Lex Luger.......just one of the many superstars that can NOT be found on USA.....or TNT from 8-9 on Monday nights for that matter. -commercials -Buff Bagwell and Scotty Steiner are pulled over by Beantown's finest and ordered to pretend to be cops for a while....THANK GOD the cameras were there to catch this spontaneous hilarity...... -unfortunately, they didn't pull over any transvestites.....so I'll just move along. -More stuff with Rikki Rachtman in Providence...Kidman showed up because this first hour no match stunt has opened up his very busy schedule..... -Again..the Rhode Islander are mortified.....there are no JEWS in Rhode Island either... -Nash and Mysterio get their very own video production... -Nash and Hogan find David Flair's hussy at a gun club (where else would she be? Certainly not at an acting class)...her name is now "Sam". -Sam? SAM? You...you...you mean that this was a trick all along??? YOU MEAN THAT SHE IS JUST TRYING TO BREAK DAVID FLAIR'S HEART AND THIS ISN'T A CASE OF HONEST TO GOODNESS TRUE LOVE?!?!?!?!? OH MY GOD!!!!!! WCW HAS SWERVED US AGAIN!!!!!!!! THEY PLAYED OUR ROMATIC HEARTSTRINGS LIKE A HARP!!!!!!!!!! THEY ARE GENIUSES!!!!!!! -They all decide to go somewhere and dream up a new plan to cause havoc in the life of the Flair family.....then some UN G-like dialogue followed..... -"Sam" to Nash: "Are you gonna pull that out and start firing or what?" -Nash, "Pull what out?" -Hogan, "Umm....line?" -"Sam", "That! Isn't that a gun in your pants or are you just happy to see me?" -Nash, "Errr...you wouldn't know Tammy Lynn Sytch would you?" -Hogan, "Can I have her butt? Big Sexy can have her pu(EDITED BY SCOOPS FOR YOUR PROTECTION ALRIGHT HYATTE THIS IS QUITE ENOUGH) -right... -commercials -Hogan, Nash, and "Sam" are....are.... -You know...I HATE recapping stupid angles like this.....it just eats up SO MUCH TIME!!!!!!!!! -....eating dinner in...oh I don't know.....Hogan looks to the chick and says, "I thought you ordered the steak? -Sam, "I did!"...she was breathing rapidly..almost panting -Hogan, "Then why do I smell tuna?" -Nash said, "Oops, excuse me." and takes his hand from out under the table...Sam started to breath normally again, -then a VERY OLD busboy showed up and screamed, "THIS IS DISGUSTING!!!! WHEN DID NITRO BECOME THE SPICE CHANNEL??? I AM THOROUGHLY OUTRAGED WITH THIS!!!!! I WANT TO SEE WRESTLING, NOT SOME SHAMEFUL SEX!!!!!!!! AND I AM NOT BEING BIASED" -A WCW security worker came out from behind the scenes, grabbed the bus(oldfart)boy and dragged him away saying, "Okay...you just run along now." -Oh yeah, another chick was introduced....her name is Robinson.....suddenly, I miss Schiavone. -8:55 est in the P.M. We get our opening theme. I shouldn't have to point this out, but I will anyway...if you are not running...nay...SCREECHING to the remote control in order to watch RAW tonight....then not only are you a FLAMING WCW MARK OF INCALCULABLE PROPORTIONS......not only are you THE BIGGEST LOSER WHO EVER HAD THE BALLS TO CALL YOURSELF A WRESTLING FAN, but you are also a total, absolute, complete, UNQUESTIONABLE....homo. They're called GIRLS cherry, look into one. -commercials. Of course..we simply NEED to catch our breath -Mean Gene Okerlund promises TWO HOURS OF THE MOST NON STOPPISH ACTION WE HAVE EVER SKIPPED TO CHECK OUT RAW -Then he calls out Goldberg....out there he comes -Oh good lord....Goldberg must be off cycle....he looks so SMALL -and that Rogaine has worked WONDERS? -but why are his cheeks red? -Oh...wait...it's David Flair...along with Sam.... -They enter the ring....we get a Sammy panty shot...is that Nash's thumbprint? -David announces that he has decided to CONVERT TO JUDIASM!!!! -Then Goldberg's music played.......David visibly gulped as we took off for some more... -commercials -Goldberg came out...blowing off a rash of lepers looking for his magic touch.....well, either they were lepers or teenagers with some MONSTER acne problems. -Goldberg entered the ring.....faced off with David, and told him that he should respect his father for all he's done for him. -David told Goldberg to "suck it"......now we know what the Flair family watches on Mondays -Goldberg said, "Look kid, my Daddy was pretty hard on me too....once he was so mad at me, he turned me into a bush, then set me on fire! THEN he made me spout of advice to passing retards like I was the botanical Ruth Westheimer!!! Then there was that time I stowed away on Noah's Ark and humped a sheep and some sparrows!! Man, my dad was so pissed he sent me to earth and had the Roman's drive NAILS into my hands and feet and hang me out to dry like a wet pair of BVDs!!!! THAT was a bad father...you had it lucky kid!" -David told Goldberg to bite him...he poked the big lug in the chest a few times....(the good news is that his stuffed up nose cleared right up immediately after touching him!). Goldberg pushed him in the corner and yelled, "LISTEN YOU LITTLE SNOT!!! HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO FART OUT LOCUSTS FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE?? I COULD MAKE IT HAPPEN!!!!!" -At which point, Ric Flair pulled up in a Limo, saw what was happening on a nearby monitor, and ran towards the ring....he made it there and gave Goldberg a big chop across the chest. David and the slutbag took off. Goldberg gave Flair a pussy gorrilla slam and that pretty much sealed the deal on the main event for tonight.....of course, Tony went into hysterics. -Oh sure, there was some talking and some chest thumping....but you can figure it all out by yourselves. -Oh Hell..I really have to point this out... -Goldberg, "You stepped over the line!!" -Flair, "NO!! I AM THE LINE...WHOOOOOOOOOO" -WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO -By the way, the fans were booing Flair.....something tells me that they were booing Nitro in general. -commercials - Hack (Hak? Hok? Huck? Phuck?) is in the ring already with a cane and some barbed wire....isn't this the reason why he LEFT ECW in the first place? -Raven came out with a chair and this chick from ECW named ChasTITy.... -Raven hits the ring, they both drop their weapons and hug......Tony has no idea how to cover it, so he just commented on the lovely weather today in Worcester. -Then they get to beefing. It goes right out of the ring....up the ramp....they crash through a door and stumble onto THE SET WHERE RIKKI RACHTMAN WAS TAPING THAT LIVE REMOTE FROM PROVIDENCE!?!?!!? I KNEW IT WAS A WORK!!!!!!!!! -No..that really didn't happen....I will admit to this only because I'm sure most of you watched RAW. -They jammed at the entranceway...Raven dive bombed on a table from a very high distance....then he shook his head and gave the camera one of those, "What a mark" smirks. -Of course, here comes Tony, "THAT HAS NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE IN THE HISTORY OF TELEVISED WRESTLING HISTORY!!!!! YOU WANT TO SEE HARDCORE??? YOU WANT TO SEE EXTREME???? THEN LOOK NO FURTHER THAN RIGHT HERE AT W C FREAKING' W!!!!!!!!" -then Bam Bam Bigelow showed up...the bell rang.....one could only hope that this is over.. -Oh no....Tony called it an accident....the time keeper had last week's schedule and thought it was time to ring the bell for the Renegade. -Now it's a three way...spilling into the backstage.....all sorts of things were used in all sorts of grueling ways....nothing you haven't seen before...or better on RAW and especially ECW . -David Flair walked by... -Then the RENEGADE WALKED BY!! He saw the camera see him, muttered, "Oh shit!" and scampered! I KNEW IT!!!!!! IT'S ALL A WORK!!!!!!! -Flair's limo came into use....mostly by Hak's head and face....that boy can still sell. -It slowed to a crawl..so much so that Tony tried to sneak in a clip from last week's three way, hoping that we were too busy yawning to notice the change. -The match didn't really end..it just faded out into some... -commercials -Jericho came out with a Dog Collar and Ralphus.....he started on and on about how Saturn is a fairy and needs to be whipped into manhood, and a nice dog collar match will do the trick. -Tony the Idiot pipes in....."Will Jericho just shut up and WRESTLE? This IS a WRESTLING show after all!!!" -After what we have all been through tonight....to have the GALL to make that statement......... -I truly think that Tony is mentally retarded. -I truly think that we are fresh out of page Chris Hyatte
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