Nitro Mop Up ... by Chris Hyatte

Close captioned for the comedically impaired...3/11/99 Mop-Up Nitro (cont) -Anywhoo...Jericho then proceeded to wrestle Lizmark in a Dog Collar match. I'm sure you can figure out that the chain was used, but not REALLY used...even though Tony acted like it was the most brutal thing he ever saw other than those times he stands in front of his mirror naked. -commercials -video replay of the Flair/Goldberg fiasco -commercials -Big Poppa Pump comes out with Buff Bagwell. Apparently, Bischoff got a hold of an...."alternative" copy of Snow White where she let the Dwarves gang bang her (I saw it.....there's a reason why one of them is called "Grumpy" and the other one is called, "Happy"....and I swear, they should have changed "Dopey"'s name to "Booty" because that's the only place he......well...figure it out. -Anywhoo..Eric must have assumed that what he saw was G-rated fare because Scotty was given permission to talk about his hooches, hooking up, and then called himself "Big Bad Booty Daddy"!!! (Now HE should change his name to "Dopey". See? See how it all comes full circle?) -Booker T came out...hopeful that Steiner will hook HIM up with the uncharted piece of real estate known as....the white woman!!! -No such luck....instead they wrestled a long, boring match. Buff did get in a snarky comment about how Booker should dial up 1-800-Collect.....which gave me a chuckle. -Steiner won after Booker passed out from the Steiner recliner....Booker refused to give up..his motto is "Never Surrender"..just like Juventud Guerrera. -commercials -Everyone loves the Nitro girls....DON'T ARGUE WITH ME ON THIS ONE!!! THEY TOOK A SURVEY!!!!! -Mean Gene is backstage talking to Jerry Flynn. Apparently, his match against Sonny Ono and Ernest Miller promises to be SO EXCITING, SO ACTION PACKED, SO DANGEROUS(!!!!!!) that WCW REFUSES to sanction it!!!!!! -Unfortunately, the problem is that this match also promises to be SO BORING, SO UNWATCHABLE, SO UNBEARABLE (!!!!!!) that WCW fans will REFUSE to order it!!!!!! -Flynn barely had time to register his shock at being on the third hour before Miller showed up and attacked him. Then Sonny cut off Flynn's strand of hair. -MASSIVE FUDGE UP ALERT!!!!! When Miller and Ono left, Flynn started to get up....a voice off camera CLEARLY said, "Stay there Jerry!"....Flynn went back down faster than Whysper during one of those WCW Executive meetings. -commercials -Scott Norton came out.....I see a sign that read "WHERE IS NIMBLE?" Dude....these signs have gotten SO LAME lately..on BOTH shows....do I have to do EVERYTHING around here? -Recently unmasked and recently home boyeeed Rey Mysterio comes out. Looks like it's Norton's turn to be humiliated in front of millions. -The match went like this.....Rey was tossed, slammed, beaten, kicked, dumped, bullied, bitchslapped, anal raped, and castrated for a good 5 minutes and that was just by Norton's tongue!!!....then he kicked Norton in the nuts and pinned him. The ref made a VERY fast 3 count. It got boring after the first 30 seconds because A: You KNEW how it would end, and B: It wasn't very believable.... -I'm not being critical just because it's WCW either....it's just when Rey fought Nash, there was some actual give and take, back and forth action involved!!! This was just Norton moving with the speed of a snail, then getting pinned after ONE bit of Rey offense....what's the fun of that? -I just noticed!! Rey is wearing a big Cross around his neck....I'M OFFENDED!!!! THIS IS AN OUTRAGE!!!!!!!!! WCW SHOULD BE THROWN OFF THE AIR FOR SUCH BLASPHEMY!!!!!! -Oooh wait a second...I saw a closeup...it isn't Christ on that Cross....it's Goldberg. never mind...that's acceptable. -commercials -The Nitro Girls continue to bore us as Tony pushes the third WCW/MTV collaboration known as Beach Brawl.......I wonder if MTV understands how much they are getting Fu**ed over by WCW with these things......Bischoff has YET to send an honest to goodness main event player to one of these things...(Page is as close as they get) -We see the cage being built....I have to admit to being interested in the barbed wire aspect...even though I KNOW that once the blood pours..they'll pull the camera back so that we won't be able to see shit......Even though it's PAY PER VIEW AND NOT CABLE NETWORK TELEVISION!!!!!! It's almost as if Bischoff assumes we have never seen a boxing match before in our lives. -commercials -Having absolutely no sense of timing and/or irony.....Tony had this to say: (So far tonight) "We've seen Flair come to the aid of his son, who scorned him weeks ago! (We've seen Flair) threaten, challenge, and accept a match tonight with Goldberg. We've seen a fight on the hood of a Limousine! We've seen a dog collar match! We've seen Rey go 3 and 0 against three of the biggest names of our sport! This has been, without QUESTION..the Nitro that has EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!" -He continued....."In fact, after being a part of this grand show for quite some time now...and after carefully considering some of the other great, great shows that we have put on each and every week, I can honestly say, without trepidation OR hesitance.....Bobby, Mike...take my hands.....my friends, you good fans out there who have been so supportive of us...I truly and deeply believe that tonight, right here, right now...we have been witnessing...for all intents and purposes....the...the...the......BEST NITR... -Sorry, I shifted in my seat and hit the remote.....I was looking at Billy Blanks talk about Tae Bo......it's amazing how Blanks facial expressions coincide with his namesake. -Hey girls...I don't care if you do the Tae Bo for 4 hours a day, 7 days a week...you will NEVER get an ass like Carmen Electra.....GIVE IT UP!!! -I flipped back in time to catch, "VER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -Unfortunately, Tony chose to make that statement just as VAN HAMMER walked out...... -Unfortunately, Tony chose to make this statement during what will probably go down as THE WORST NITRO EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -I said this once....and by Christ, I'll say it again......I DO NOT WANT GODDAM HAMMER IN MY LIFE!!!!! I DON'T WANT HIM ON MY TV, IN MY HOUSE..AND I SURE AS GODDAM HELL DON'T WANT TO GODDAM SEE GODDAM VAN HAMMER IN THE THIRD GODDAM HOUR OF THIS GODDAM NITRO GODDAMMIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -Jesus Christ...who is this guy blowing? -Hey Bischoff...fire Hammer and I promise to give Kanyon another chance!!!! I PROMISE!!!! -It took Bret Hart 10 minutes to beat Van Hammer....10 minutes of the third hour.....the most important hour that WCW has on television....makes you want to cry doesn't it? -What's even worse..Tony picked THIS match to do a straight play by play and blow off his usual talk-about-everything-else-but-the-match commentary...WHY?????? -Hart won...but it wouldn't have surprised me if he did the job.....poor bastard -If there is a Hell, Hart is in it right now. -Hulk Hogan and Kevin Nash come out and chase away Tenay and Heenan. They sat on either side of Tony and announced that they were on hand to watch the Goldberg/Flair match. -Tony Schiavone TOOK OUT A KNIFE, SLICED OFF HIS BALLS AND THREW THEM IN THE CROWD!!!! Then said, "To be honest....I'm aaaa....I'm aaaa....I'm HONORED to be here with Big Sexy and the Heavyweight Champion Hollywood Hogan!" -Agh...he is SUCH an ass.......WHY IS IT TAKING SO LONG FOR ONE OF YOU TO PHYSICALLY BEAT HIM....JESUS CHRIST PEOPLE...I GIVE A PRETTY GOSH DARN GOOD HUMJOB.....IT'S WELL WORTH THE JAILTIME!!!!!!!! -plus...$50 t'boot -anywhoo...Hogan talked about ridding the world of the evil that is Flair.....which carried them nicely into some.. -commercials -more footage of the cage being built......Nash later asked if one of the welders was Jesse "The Body" Ventura...which got a laugh. -Ric Flair came out.....Hogan and Nash....two men in their LATE 30's and LATER 40's respectively got down in that hip slang by agreeing that Hogan now "be da man"......oh whatEver...Grandpas -The music came on.....the piped in chants....(well, to be fair....I saw some people chanting).....Nash giggled over the fact that Goldberg ain't unbeaten anymore..... -And away we go.... -On his way to the ring......Goldberg spotted a 20 something year old man sitting in his seat and looking glum....he lumbered over to the lad and spit on the ground...then he asked what was wrong with him. The man...a kid actually...handed Goldberg a letter that said, "Dear Mr. Jew, I lost my voice last year at Fenway while booing those no good Yankees! Would you be so kind as to give me some assistance please?" -Well, Goldberg smiled gently at the lad, laid his big paw on his throat..and spit on the ground again. Suddenly, a beautiful glow emanated all around him...his face erupted in a RASH of ticks and twitches.....his arm shook....his body shook......if he had hair, it would have stood straight up!!!! -Then Goldberg opened his mouth and stuck out his tongue....he screamed, "AAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGHHHHHH" The glowing stopped and he released his grip on the lad.. -The young man coughed twice.....cleared his throat....then whispered, "hello?"......after hearing the sound of his own voice, he LEAPT up in the air and screamed, "CLEMENS IS A FRIGG'N PUSSY AND A WICKED TRAITAA TO THE SOX!!! HEY GOLDBEG, WANNA GO GETTA BEEA AT THE BAA AFTA YAW MAATCH? THAT'D BE WICKED COOL!!! -Goldberg's eyes widened in complete bewilderment...then had the bum thrown out.....sometimes, it's not a gift being the Messiah...it's a frickin' curse. -10 seconds into this match Nash asked the question, "Why does Flair where his kneepads BELOW his knees?" It is a question that has plagued mankind for 30 years...of course, Tony had no answers. -This match was a total disappointment.......after a seeing that Goldberg refused to sell a single move or chop, Flair spent the rest of the match giving low blows.....it got old VERY quickly. -Nash worked on keeping things entertaining....like when he asked Tony about who else had entered the sport with as much as impact as Goldberg did in his rookie year, he later commented, "Well, there was a cat from the Emerald City one time that was quite a phenom, but I don't know what happened to him".....I have too much respect for you people to feel the need to point out whom he was referring too......Hogan laughed and I'm sure Tony had a chuckle too. -I'm serious....all Flair did was give Goldberg low blows.....every time Goldberg got back up...low blow......it was BORING. -Flair put on the Figure Four.....no selling there. -Goldberg went for the Spear, Flair ducked away. -JESUS!!!! DOES THIS GUY SELL ANYTHING???? HE'S THE MOST SELFISH PRICK IN THIS SPORT!!!!!!! -Hey Jude...it's called MAKING YOUR OPPONENT LOOK GOOD!!!! Be a professional for once and TRY IT!!! -Hey guys..if you run over Goldberg with your Mazda.....and he doesn't even budge...don't worry, he is hurting..it's just that he refuses to SELL THAT MOVE....WHY DON'T YOU SELL A MOVE FOR ONCE YOU BIG, STUPID AUSTIN WANNABE!!!!!!! -There's the Spear.....the Wolfpack ran in...Hogan and Nash went to the ring...the beat down got going.....the show ended right in the middle of it. What a piss poor match! What a piss poor show! My God....I have NEVER..and I mean NEVER really called Nitro "unwatchable" before...but for Chrissakes!!!! I really and truly think that Bischoff is having a nervous breakdown right before our very eyes! This guy's whole empire is falling apart! I mean, before this week..you could say that Nitro was just "doing what it always has been doing"...and the fans have just decided to sample, then stick with the more risqué RAW for a while...but this was the week where....for the first time...Nitro is starting to fall apart!!! And it's all under Nash's watch!! Remember at the top of this recap I asked which was more believable, USA considering going to 3 hours or Hogan and Nash destroying WCW from within? GUESS WHAT!!!! THEY ARE BOTH EQUALLY FUC**NG BELIEVEABLE RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!! RAW was an okay show...but compared to THIS? hands frickin' down..RAW DESTROYS!!!! Let's mellow out with a closer... Okay, now for a little fun. We'll keep things simple for this week's closer...nice and easy. Since the signs at these shows lately have become either WOEFULLY repetitive (I think we ALL could live without seeing any more, "I'd rather be in Chyna" signs) or HORRIBLY inside ("I Love You Vickie"...what the FU&^???? WHO CARES????) I thought I would list some signs ideas that you could bring to the shows that EVERYONE would enjoy......like, that one from RAW that read, "JR LOST HIS SMILE"....nasty as it may be, it was also an immediate classic. Let's get more signs like those....or..like these: For Nitro: CAN I GET A PUSH IF I GET BISCHOFF'S SON LAID? DILLENGER IS THE ANTICHRIST IS SCHIAVONE CALLING THE MATCH FOR ONCE? I'M SLEEPING WITH ZBYSZKO'S EX I LEFT MY CONDOMS ON RAVEN'S NIGHTSTAND (note, only a guy can hold this up.....a guy with MAJOR balls) DAVID FLAIR IS STILL A VIRGIN KONAN IS A WHITE GUY WHO'S BOOKING THIS NONSENSE? WHY IS BISCHOFF'S HAIR WHITE? WHERE'S ACE ORTON? WHERE'S BEEFCAKE? WHAT DO I DO WITH THIS O.W.N. T-SHIRT? WHO'S THE GENIUS WHO FIRED WALTMAN? HEY BISCHOFF!!! NO KANYON = RATINGS I THOUGHT THE WWF WOULD FOLD IN 6 MONTHS? NASH, QUIT TALKING LIKE A TEENAGER, YOU OLD FART DANA HALL IS WATCHING THIS WHERE'S RENEGADE? IS DESPERADO JOE GOMEZ NEXT? I AM NOT CHANTING GOOOOLDBERG RIGHT NOW (note, use ONLY at the obvious time) CAN I PIN BRET HART FOR $50 $50 IF ARN ANDERSON CAN DO 10 PUSH UPS I'M OFFENDED BY THIS G RATED CRAP!! For RAW: DO NOT SELL THAT ELBOW HEY WIGHT! SHOOT ON BISCHOFF HEY GOLDUST!! IT'S OVER VAL STUFFS HIS SHORTS!! WHAT'S TEDDY LONG DOING HERE? AUSTIN: BRING BACK THE "HOLLYWOOD AND VINE" FINISHER WHEN WILL AUSTIN SPEAR THIS GUY? I FAKED AN INJURY SO I COULD SKIP HBK'S WRESTLING CLASS TODAY WHERE'S PILLMAN ANYWAY? I LOVE PATTERSON (note: if either a guy or girl holds this up...it still works...only for VERY different reasons) VINCE: DON'T HIRE KANYON HHH..I HAVE THOSE PICTURES MAIN EVENT IN HELL: PUBLIC ENEMY VS THE BUSHWACKERS HEY LAWLER, STOP CALLING MY 11 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER BRING BACK COLE THE ROCK HAD LIPO IS CHYNA BRITISH OR CHINESE? BRING BACK BOB UECKER I BET FAROOQ MISSES DOOM IS IT TOO LATE TO HIRE FLAIR? VINCE, GIVE BRET A JOB SWEEPING HIRE JERICHO!!! HEY FOLEY, TUCK IN THAT SHIRT BRUNO WAS THE HAIRIEST CHAMPION EVER THE IRON SHIEK IS PREGNANT WHERE'S SLAUGHTER? DOES THE FAKE RAZOR RAMON DRINK O'DOULS? (it's an old joke....like 2 years old...but F-it) HEY TERRY TAYLOR, CROW JUST ONCE FOR OLD TIMES SAKE DR. DEATH IS BART GUNN'S BITCH BALLS PALSEY? JR'S NUTS ARE HANDICAPPED? VADER CHANGED MY OIL THIS MORNING HEY JR, THERE'S A PIECE OF BANANA STUCK ON YOUR FACE VINCE!! HIRE RENEGA....OOPS, TOO LATE Well, I damn sure can't think of a better way to end things. Of course, any HYATTE signs will ALWAYS do in a pinch, haven't seen many of those lately....I guess nobody likes me anymore.....oh well. Next week.....oh I don't know....I'll say a lot of dumb stuff. I'll make a lot of bad jokes and plenty of inside references that nobody will know anything about. Or I'll just take another week off and piss everyone all to Hell. I don't know...and quite frankly, I don't care anymore. Life will move along like the ball breaking bitch she always has been and there isn't anything we could do about it. Just remember, Diamonds are forever and so is Hyatte...dammit Everyone can chug my bottleneck This is Hyatte Chris Hyatte
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