Raw Mop Up ... by Chris Hyatte

Well, it's back to the crap...3/11/99 Mop-Up RAW NOTE: I'd just like to say Hi to my former employer, and BEST nightclub manager in New England, L.J. (something Italian) who probably didn't think that I was who I said I was when I saw him last week.....that's right L.....it's me! Yes indeed. I'm Chris and this is a NEW Mop-Up. No, not another week off, it's a brand spanking new column filled with the exact same jokes that I've been jamming down your gullets for the last 19 months. To any and all critics who have a problem with that.....and on the advice of Grapps....I say F-YOU!!! You don't like it? Leave! Go on....nobody's putting a gun to your head...get away...go read someone else's recap.....Hell, I just found out that SCOOPS just brought in ANOTHER recapper for RAW!! Go read him then. Oh yeah..I'm REALLY thrilled by all this. It's not a direct slap in my face at ALL...oh no. I'm only probably the most widely read recapper on the Web (even Shannon admits to that)...so of COURSE SCOOPS would bring in ANOTHER one. Makes sense...doesn't it? Okay, let's get to some opening notes....in order to get settled into the grind of recapping. First of all, why wasn't I around last week? Easy! No long, complex excuses...no "real life" responsibilities to apologize for....nothing like that at all. The truth is that I really tried to recap the shows...but I was shooting blanks. I had nothing to work with, so to speak. It was a nightmare. The next thing I knew, it was 2 am and I wasn't even halfway through RAW....and I still had a Nitro to plow through, plus a closer that I hadn't even thought of yet. So I shot an e-mail off to Al, telling him that it's another week off....and went to bed. That's it. Pretty lame huh? Which leads me to a question for you. In the future, since it's a safe bet that last week won't be the last time I take a vacation, would you prefer that I throw in a "Mop-Up Flashback" for the week of just leave you nothing at all? I mean, I get a LOT of requests for past columns, and it would be cool to see what was on RAW and Nitro a year ago. Or do you not care and wouldn't want to waste your time reading a past column? It's up to you....as always. Now on to some serious stuff.......some stuff that went down last week over this Internet that I have to comment on. I'm pissed off.....VERY pissed off at some of these Internet losers who decided ONCE AGAIN to take shots at my site....and Al Isaacs in general. They didn't come right out and say Al's name.....but the point was made loud and clear... Sometime last week.....probably either Monday or Tuesday....Al reported that USA was toying on the idea of making RAW a 3 hour show. He didn't say that it was a done deal....he didn't say that it was a sure bet....he just said that they were thinking about it. Period.....no problem.....end of statement. So what happened? SEVERAL of these faggoty dickheads jumped ALL over this....USA WILL NOT MAKE RAW THREE HOURS!!!!!! THIS IS ABSOLUTELY RIDICULOUS!!!!! WHOEVER REPOORTED THIS SHOULD BE SHOT ON SIGHT!!!!!!!! THE WWF KNOWS NOTHING ABOUT THIS!!!!!!! IT'S ALL RUMORS AND NONSENSE!!!!!!! F-YOU!!! F-YOU, F-YOU, F-YOU!!!!!!! You fu**^%ng JEALOUS DOUCHEBAGS!!!!!! You STUPID, C-SUCKING MUTTS!!! Did it ever fu^%$#ng OCCUR to you homos that maybe USA WAS thinking about it?? Is it THAT HARD TO GODDAM COMPREHEND THAT A FRIGGIN' CABLE NETWORK THAT HAS A SHOW THAT PULLS IN THE HIGHEST RATINGS IN THAT NETWORKS HISTORY MAY WANT TO EXPAND ON THAT SHOW AND EXPAND ON THOSE NUMBERS???? Is that concept IMPOSSIBLE?????? Gee..you mean there was NEVER a FU&^%*NG time when Nitro was NOT 3 hours??? And Thunder has been on the air FOREVER?!?!?!?!? Oh...now you jackoffs are REACHING......You simply refuse to accept the FACT that because SCOOPS is SO gosh darn popular...that maybe...JUUUUST maybe...Al has some actual connections that are not named "Meltzer", or "Ryder"......and maybe...JUUUST maybe Al doesn't BASE his news and opinions, or his ENTIRE GODDAM COLUMN on someone who's last name is "Scherer". No, he has REAL relations with people in the business.....how else do you think he was able to book a card at the ECW Arena??? BECAUSE HEYMAN NEVER HEARD OF HIM??????????? By the way, how did Mr. Scherer know about that timer at the bottom of Al's news page and was able to "break the story" about what it was for if he claims to NEVER, EVER VISIT SCOOPS?!?!?!?!?! Just a question. Do you mean to tell me that USA NOT ONCE thought about expanding RAW to 3 hours??? BULLCRAP!!! They DID think about it....they DID entertain the idea. I know this for a FACT....so F-OFF. You...you...motherf.....AAARGH Oh.....oh.....WHY CAN'T I ATTACK PEOPLE ANYMORE??? GODDAMMIT!!! I WANT TO NAME NAMES AND GO ON PERSONAL ASS KICKING ROMPS!!!! I'M SICK OF BEING SO MOTHER&#$@!^% GENERAL AND VAGUE!!!!!! JESUS CHRIST WILL SOMEONE LOOSEN THE VICE ON MY NUTS PLEASE!?!?!?! God Moving on...I'd like to officially welcome Rich in KC BACK into the Scoops fold. You know, when I first started with Scoops, Rich was pretty much the most popular columnist on Scoops outside of Al. I was this green little recapper and Rich was the BMOS (Big Man On Site) whom everybody liked and respected. Then he vanished for a while....but now he's back...so I'd like to officially welcome Rich in KC back....good to have you back, sport ;) Of course.....there has been some changes in his absence......changes that I thought I'd like to point out, just in case he was unaware. All the faces that were here when he was last here are gone.....no more Bambi, no more Sean Chea, no more Dan Murphy, or James Lawton....or especially Rich's personal friend, Katie Prodigeoul.....or whatever her friggin' name was.....Spiffy is still here...I think....I'm not sure. But one thing remains the same....I'm still here....and...while you were gone...I suddenly got a wee bit more popular....a wee bit more important to the site......so you remember this, Mr. In KC.....things have changed a little bit since you took off......and you are no longer the number 2 man around here at Scoops....oh no...oh no my friend....I AM! I am the new Sheriff "round these parts, bunky!!! And your success here will be dictated on the FAVORED ENDORSEMENT OF THE MIGHTY HYATTE!!!! MANY OTHER SCOOPS COLUMNISTS HAVE SIMPLY VANISHED OFF THE SITE AND OFF THE WEB ON MY SAY SO, BUDDY BOY!!!!! AND THE OTHER SHAMELESSLY SUCKLE MY BOOTY IN HOPES THAT I KEEP THEM AROUND FOR ONE MORE WEEK!!!! SO GET THOSE KNEEPADS ON AND BREAK OUT THE LIP GLOSS...BECAUSE UNLESS YOU GROVEL AT THE FEET OF THE KING....YOU MIGHT FIND YOUR SECOND GO ROUND HERE A BIT LESS WARM!!! GOT THAT??? SPARKY????? IT'S A NEW DAWN AT SCOOPS AND YOU HAVE STUMBLED INTO THE ERA OF HYATTE!!!!! GET USED TO IT!!!!!! Hey, the bastard never welcomed ME aboard when I first came on.....so now he must pay!! Oh, by the way Rich.....chances are that everything I just said above was edited and the last thing you just read right above this sentence is, "Or do you not care and wouldn't want to waste your time reading a past column? It's up to you....as always." You see we can't say anything about anyone anymore.....WELCOME TO THE NEW SCOOPS RICHY!!!! All that yelling should have calmed me down.....it didn't...I'm still pissed.....Dammit...I HATE THIS!!!! AHH F-IT..LET'S JUST GET THE GODDAM SHOW ON THE GODDAM ROAD BEFORE...BEFORE........oh for Chrissakes....let's just move along... RAW IS WAR (or This is Mikey Mike's favorite column) -opens with footage from Heat the other night. Looks like Wight is as indecisive about his allegiance here as he was in WCW. The dude's like a chick....they can never make up their minds. -of course...it's debatable whether some chicks actually have minds. But that's another story for another time. -opening theme...Road Warrior Hawk's face has been replaced with Paul Wight's.....the good news is that Luna was never in the opening credits to begin with. -There's yer damn fireworks.....joined by yer damn fans. Michael Cole welcomes us to the Igloo in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania....I hear the iGLOO has THE STICKIEST seats in the WORLD?!?!?!? YOWZAA!!!! BA-DUM-DUUM -get it?? IGLOO? Sticky?? i-GLOO???? GLOO??? Sticky? -eh... -Hey!! AT LEAST I'M NOT BREAKING THIS UP INTO 15 DIFFERENT SEGMENTS!!!!!!!!! Good Lord....what was he THINKING? Obviously he was trying so hard to be like me...I felt so bad for him. -The Rock comes out.....he immediately calls Paul Wight a "500 pound piece of monkey crap".......then he demanded that Wight come on out there and answer some questions or else he will have no choice but to "lay the smack down on his candy ass".....haven't we heard all this before? -Instead of the big guy, out came Vincent K. (My Toupee is NOT made from the buttcheeks of that Teddy Bear) McMahon....he hits the ring and is greeted by the obligatory chant of "ASSHOLE". He....he.....he..... -oh F-It.....it's the opening script of the night.....by now, EVERYONE knows how this runs......it's a useful set up in order to get tonight's main event going. Here, let me break it down into a little bad poem.... To the Rock, Vince had something to say Basically, that Paul Wight was A-okay He's a member of the team And a promoter's wet dream Did I mention that Patterson was an old queen? Then Wight came out all big and bad He said little pecker was all the Rock had Someone said "Roody Poo" The meaning of which I haven't a clue. Out came Mankind to settle the score He offered to ref Wight&Rock once more Vince called him a clown and tonight, Mankind/Austin would go down Did I mention that in booze, I like to drown? Austin came out and put an end to this He said "shit", "ass", and of course, "piss" The night was said and done It should be a lot of fun Did I mention that Dillenger is Satan's son? Did I mention that Sean Shannon weighs a ton? (Alt lyrics) -Cole and Lawler set up some more action for the night....including Owen Hart vs D-Lo Brown in a "Steel City Street Fight" -We see the Undertaker and his Ministry walk into a locker room. They were looking for the Big Bossman. Instead, they beat up a couple of jobbers....I could use a really nice blowjob. -commercials -D-Lo and Owen Hart had their Steel City Streetfight..which is EXACTLY like a Chicago StreetFight, a Boston Streetfight, and a Memphis Streetfight......but it is NOTHING like a San Francisco Streetfight, a Philly Streetfight, or a Norfolk Streetfight. It CAN claim blood relations to a Seattle Streetfight, a Salt Lake City Streetfight, and a Bangor Streetfight......of course, it is NOTHING compared to the always dangerous Martha's Vineyard Streetfight -Deborah was there and she watched as D-Lo proceeded to beat the living Hell out of the Canadian bastard with a cookie sheet. Cole called it a "metal plate"...but Cole is a tool. -Cole pushed the Pre-Wrestlemania Rage Party hosted by Chef Boy-Ar-Dee......there is something terribly douchy going on when a "Rage" party is getting corporate sponsorship. -Hey said that Big Punisher will be there.....I heard he was going to call himself "Little Light Warning" but Master P talked him out of it....... -Hey, I thought the joke was gangbusters.....f-you -Lawler finally had his opportunity to say the words, "Suck on my chocolate, salty balls" and he ran with it...... -For the record..I never watch South Park anymore.....mostly because Trey Parker and Matt Stone are completely in love with themselves and each other now.....and they are Scientologists.....which is the biggest scam cult going. -When Owen is in the right mood, he can sell a move better than ANYBODY. -Teddy Long was reffing this thing.......so you KNOW that the white boy was getting really SLOW counts. -Jarrett showed up....he had his guitar on hand.....one thing led to Sally Strothers and.... -D-Lo got the win.....Cole called it an upset of major proportions......and Teddy Long is slowly gaining power...... -Backstage, the Undertaker split up his Ministry and sent them to various places in search of the Bossman......He sent Farooq and Bradshaw to the parking lot...Farooq offered to take a ride up to Nitro to see if he was there looking to get some revenge on the NWO....and to see if Bischoff had any applications laying around. UT said no....Farooq's shoulder's visibly drooped. -commercials...including Mankind's Chef Boy-Ar-Dee commercial...good for him.....good for ANY wrestler who can make a few side bucks doing legit commercial work...... -The New Age Outlaws reunited tonight for a special match.....and BOY did they look like they missed each other. They went through their thing..... -Hardcore Holly (skank) came out.....he still looks hopelessly confused as to why he's getting a push. -Al Snow came out.....he still looks hopelessly confused as to why he's NOT getting a push. -Meanwhile, Road Dogg clipped off one of his braids and proceeded to smoke it......there's a reason why Rehab lasts 30 days ya' know. -Bad Ass saw very little action because this isn't his deal. This match was there to establish that Snow and Holly and Road Dog 3 way for the Hardcore title at WM....Bad Ass did show up long enough to beat Holly with a Spike piledriver..... -Then the lights dimmed..... UT's music played... -UT came out and lifted his hands......OH NO...HE'S GONNA TELL THE KIDS TO "RAISE THE ROOF ON THIS MUTHA!!!!!!!" NO UT...NOOOOO...YOU'RE NOT FLY FOR A WHITE GUY!!!!!!!!!!!!! -Oh thank God..he just had the light guy turn the lights back on....whew..... -The Ministry jumped the four guys from behind.....since Ican'tspellhisnewnameIstillcallhim Mabel had plenty of Big Splashes to go around......a big fat black guy pouncing on a helpless white body.....oooh BOY...does that take me back. -UT hit the ring and told the Big Bossman that he's going to meet his "maker" and the "Lord of Darkness"......(Lord of Darkness? I guess Vince managed to get Tom Bosley to be the guest celeb for Wrestlemania this year!) -Tom Bosley? Christ, maybe I should have took two weeks off -commercials Chris Hyatte
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