Raw Mop Up ... by Chris Hyatte

I have nothing to say here...3/11/99 Mop-Up RAW (cont) -Backstage, we see Good Ol' JR telling Steve Williams that they would not treat him like they have treated him. Go try to make sense out of THAT sentence. -Cole and Lawler solemnly agreed that JR is still too F-ing ugly for TV. -Ross comes out with a shopping bag...video footage tells the tale of Ross's Bell's Palsy, his momma's passing, and his relationship with Steve Williams.... -Ross is in the ring...I....I....I am not very proud of myself for the path that I am about to take..but since nobody else on the "Net has the sack to say this........ -NO MORE CLOSEUPS OF JIM ROSS'S FACE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FOR GOD'S SAKES...SOME PEOPLE MAY BE EATING AT THE TIME!!! -I'm very, very sorry for saying this....but after all, I AM the "id of SCOOPS" -By the way...do they REALLY expect us to believe that Steve Williams LOSS to Bart Gunn was one of the "pressures" that caused Ross's......err....illness?.....to flare up again -Ross invited Michael Cole to come into the ring...Lawler advised Cole to look Ross in the eye. -Cole enters the ring and asks Jimbo what was up with the shopping bag.....Ross complimented him on being on his powers of observation... -again...I apologize in advance for this... -ANOTHER CLOSEUP OF HIS FACE!!!!!!!!!! FOR GOD'S SAKES VINCE, THERE ARE KIDS WATCHING!!!!!!!!!!! WE DON'T NEED TO BE REMINDED OF OUR OWN VUNERBILITIES!!!!!!!!!!!! -You realize of course, that if it weren't for his wife, the only way Jimbo could get laid now is if he hired a hooker....make that a blind hooker t'boot....or a crack whore. -Please forgive me -Jimbo had a new idea that was going to "revolutionize" the world of sports entertainment...then he made a snippy remark about how the WWF is sports ENTERTAINMENT now. -JR pulled out that costume that Williams was wearing a few weeks ago when he put Bart Gunn through that table....he expressed outrage over the WWF geniuses who dreamed up that gimmick..... -I expressed outrage too...over that THIRD CLOSEUP!!!!!!!!!!! AGGGH BACK IT OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!! BACK...IT....OFF!!!!!!!!!!! -Hey, JR!!!! Remember...if someone ever socks you in the face....even though you can't feel it..you should still SELL THAT MOVE JIMBO!!!!! YOU SELL THAT MOVE!!!!! -Ross took the mic out of Cole's hand and said, "I can take it from here!" I laughed.... -He was in closeup at the time tho'...I winced -Then Ross made Cole admit to everyone that HE was the one who helped get Cole ready to do TV work...only to BETRAY him by telling the WWF Executives that Ross was "too ugly for TV and shouldn't do the commentary anymore".....he also goofed on Cole's "moused up hair and narrow ass" -Oh good Lord.....OH MY GOD!!!!!!!! THAT...THAT...THAT SIGN!!!! In front of Ross, in FULL VIEW...was a HGUGE sign that read, "JR LOST HIS SMILE" OHHHH MAN!!!! That...that...that was BRUTAL!!!!!! THAT SICK SUMBITCH!!!!!! THAT NASTY, MEAN SPIRITED, AWFUL RAT BASTARD!!! THAT WAS THE CRUELEST THING I HAVE EVER SEEN!!!!!!! -Ross saw it too...he was so stunned he paused for a quick beat to gawk at it...oh MAN..that was harsh...so very harsh -It also gets SIGN OF THE NIGHT......because it was SO classic.....it will go down in History now. -Awful....just awful......true....just so true too.....but awful.....so very, very awful -Cole limped away as Ross announced that he was going back to work. Lawler stuttered away as Ross set himself up next to him, then announced that it was good to be back...shook his hand...and commented on how everybody missed this twosome.....very true. -Backstage, Vince was watching this with Gerald Brisco and the ever illuminated Patrick "When Irish Eyes are Smiliiiiing, life is happy and gaaaaaaaaaay" Patterson. Vince asked what the Hell Ross thought he was doing...Brisco had no clue, Pat said that Ross was the "ugliest face he ever came across".....the way I figure it.....about half of you got that line right away.................................................. -................................................. -............................................... -............and the other half is getting it right......................about................. -........................................................ -............now -Vince called over Terry Taylor and told him to go relieve Jimbo of his duties. Taylor took off.......then Vince ordered Patterson and Brisco to go keep an eye on the Ministry...Pat asked which eye............again..half of you got it right away...and the other half....right about...................................... -........................................................... -.................................................................. -........................................................... -.................................................NOW -Don't worry...I only have one more Patterson joke for the night, then we'll get off him.....unless he pulls us back on top....then we scream for help....OKAY, OKAY...NOW I HAVE ONE MORE.... -Back to Ross and Lawler......Jimbo says that he isn't 100% yet, but all he wants to come back to work...and he couldn't understand why Vince would find something wrong with guys who just want to go to work.......BOY, I know how he feels....all I want to do is defend SCOOPS against these Internet Douchebags...YET AL WON'T LET ME DROP NAMES AND STIR THINGS UP!!!!!!!! PUT THE FEAR OF GOD INTO THESE PUSSIES!!!!!!!!!! WHY CAN'T I GO BACK TO WORK AL????? LET ME GO BACK TO GODDAM WORK!!!!!!!!!!!!! -Taylor showed up...Ross went for the nutsack and called him the "Rooster"..then asked if he was going to get "cocky" and "peck him to death" (no..this is NOT where I was going to put the last Pat joke......I know, I know..it's a perfect place..but alas) -Oh man....notice Taylor's face go deep, deep red when Ross brought out the Red Rooster line...those wounds haven't healed yet..... -Just a little reminder.....if you jam your fist into Taylor's ass and pull out his rectum and terry goes down screaming...he really isn't hurt...he's just selling the move...YOU SELL THAT MOVE TERRY TAYLOR!!!!! YOU JUST SELL THAT MOVE!!!!! -In the end.....Williams showed up and calmly took Jimbo away..... -Last note on this segment..which I spent WAAY too much time on.....in the computer Internet age..where every trick is revealed..and every surprise is revealed weeks in advance...it is SO refreshing to see something like this where we have NO idea how much is a work..we have NO idea how much is a shoot..and we have NO idea how it will turn out in the end.....this may be the best "non wrestling wrestling angle" going today. -Oh yeah....since I KNOW Ross surfs the net every so often..and the Mop-Up DOES make it into the hands of a few members of the WWF now and then.....I would like to say that all kidding aside...get well soon Jimbo...Cole ain't horrible....but he ain't you...and you not being around makes the presence of Tony Schiavone THAT MUCH MORE UNBEARABLE!!!!!!!!! -Holy Crow!!!! Ryan Shamrock is sitting on top of Goldust and making out with him....Oh MAN......errr.......err.......YEEEAAAHHHHHHHHHHH...OHHHHH -Oh great.....my computer screen now has a milk mustache...ick -commercials -Brisco and Patterson are dressed in black cloaks.....Brisco is wearing a Flashlight helmet...they are going to infiltrate the Ministry by dressing up as Jews...JEWS!!!!!! PATTERSON?!?!?!?!?!?! I...I...I....I WOULD SAY more but that isn't where I wanted to put the last Pat joke of the week either......pfffth -Ken Shamrock comes out looking like he was just bitched at by Alanis Morrisette in one of those songs of hers...(girlfriend..get OVER it) -Goldust came out with Ryan and the Blue Meanie.....Shamrock plowed through Meanie and went right for Goldie......Lawler commented that Ryan was like a roller coaster in that EVETRYBODY gets a ride (Alas, poor Sunny...we hardly knew ye). -It's admirable that GD is getting this nice push into the IC title picture......but let's face it....he's out of his league here. -GD DID set up Kenny for the big nut shot...but Blue Meanie got his attention and forced his tongue down Ryan's Throat (isn't that a soap opera?)....Ryan screamed and acted disgusted, yet the bim STILL can't wipe the bemused smile off her face...she's having WAY too much fun. -Shamrock scored the pin...then he pounded on the Meanie...then chased everyone away. Taylor called Goldust "Dustin" by accident..then apologized for it. -Shane, Test, and Chyna are walking backstage -Lawler falls in love with his own voice and keeps talking into another clip of the tough hombres from Greenwich Conn. It is a funny segment listening to the "spoiled rich" set talk about Shane McMahon's street fighting prowess. I don't know if he was Shane's real life bud..or a paid actor....but that Rodney dude is both funny and annoying at the same time.......nice trick. -commercials -Patterson and Brisco are still dressed as JEWS!!!!! They are listening outside a door. Brisco wants to kick it in and charge forth...Pat asks if he was smoking that loco weed again......no..not here either -X-Pac comes to the ring with HHH -HHH asked if we were ready for the second hour? Well tough titty, because it was here whether we liked it or not. -HHH also said that X-Pac is going to ram Shane's silver spoon right up his "corporate cornhole".....I believe Taylor fainted......you just don't HEAR that stuff in Atlanta. -Test came out with Chyna and Shane McMahon.....Test may be the dumbest name ever....well, right after High Voltage, Lenny Lane, and Christopher Robin Zimmerman -Shane McMahon joined the broadcast team and said hello to "Kingfish"...I want to go through this because it really cracked me up.... -Shane was talking about Chyna while they locked up...then Test tossed X-Pac over the top rope...this is how Shane handled the play: "Aw you know some of these people like to throw some things at me, so I just use OH YEAH LOOK AT THIS IT'S TIME TESTED BABY YEAHYEAHYEAHYEAHYEAH GO DOWNTOWN IT'S AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SIMPLY AWESOME -Taylor suggested that Shane cut down on the caffeine... "TEST WATCH IT!!!!! YEAHYEAHYEAHYEAHYEAH" "OOOOOOOHHH MY GOD!!!!!! YEAH!!!!! OOOPH!! HAHAHAHAAATHAT'S GONNA LEAVE A MARK!!!!!!!!" "COMEONTESTBABY!!!!! YEEEEAH! IT'S OVER!!! IT'S OVER!!!!!! COMEONECOMEONCOMEONCOMEON!!!!" "THAT'S IT TEST!! GOING UP TOP!!! GOOOING UUUUUP TOOOOOOP!! THAT'S IT...RAISE DA ROOF BABY!!!!!!!! ONE TIME YEEEEEEEEAH!!!!" -Shane was about to get into the ring...HHH grabbed him and shoved him back....Chyna went into the ring for a patented groin shot......HHH pulled her out by her feet...Shane hit X-Pac with the Euro belt and test got the pin. HHH chased Shane around the ring floor, and Chyna nailed him with a NICE clothesline. -Back in the ring...HHH had the mic and said that he was SO sick of this crap that he was going to "drag Chyna's ass into the ring and humiliate her in front of the world!!!" (I KNEW IT!!!!!!!!! SHE'S GOT A PENIS!!!!!!!!!!!!) -Pat and Brisco finally charged the room...they kicked it open and ran in screaming....YAAAAARRRRRRRRRR -And walked into The Godfather conferring with two of his Ho's...Pat pulled the tightest U turn I ever saw and ran out screaming YAAAAAAARRRRR -GF shoved them out and gave them a punch or two for their troubles...Brisco asked pat if he checked out the blonde...Pat kicked him and said, "Oh Jerry, you drive me CRAZY!!!"...... -No joke.....I changed my mind...you just don't compete with crap like that... -commercials -UT is the "Soul Chaser" on the next exciting installment of "Poltergeist: The Legacy"...no plans on watching it...but I really can't think of a better suited wrestler for the role.....although rumor has it that Bischoff tried to get Ernest Miller to read for the part. -HHH is looking for Chyna backstage.... -The Godfather came out with two beauties...Lawler said that these two girls would "trip you and beat you to the floor" -Closeup on Taylor's face as he looked at the girls.....I would have bet serious cash that he was about to stand up and scream, "A.C. JAZZ IS A FAT SLOB!!!!!!!!!"......and I would have lost...BUT THAT'S WHAT HE WAS THINKING!!!!!!!!! -I'm still amazed that they were able to get the Godfather over.....if he were in WCW right now, he'd be in the middle of a feud with Glacier. -Steve Blackman came out....we are reminded that he has had problems with Droz lately... -He hit the ring......Godfather offered up the Ho's for the whole night.....Lawler added that they specialize in working the "Kendo stick".... -So Godfather gave him the shot....Blackman asked for them both. -Of course, Droz ruined things by attacking...then the lights dimmed.... -The same thing happened that happened at the end of the NAO/Holly& Snow match.....except that Mabel's heart looked like it was about to explode after that last belly splash. -Chyna was seen walking towards the entranceway. -commercials -Chyna hits the ring and called out Triple H...... -HHH came out and they went nose to nose.... -The lights dimmed......Kane came out.... -He hit the ring....HHH was holding Chyna...a cup of liquid hit her RIGHT on her booby (Not exactly the hardest target...she was looking rather swollen tonight). -HHH attacked Kane, Chyna got him from behind.....Kane aimed his finger at Helmsley and asked him to pull it......I guess he can fart Hellfire and Brimstone too...but so can I...just get a couple of trips to Taco Bell in me and I'll be blowing out the THUNDER!!! -I don't care how corny this is....it is SO COOL!! A fireball spat out of Kane's finger and flew into Chyna's head ......the precision is really marvelous! -Both men ran to her...Kane picked up Helmsley and chucked him backwards over then top rope...then he tended to Chyna and cradled her in his arms.... -meanwhile, I flipped to M*A*S*H for a spell...it was the scene where Radar announced that Henry Blake was killed......it was very moving....very classic TV on the FX Channel..I couldn't miss it. -I got back just as Kane was carrying Chyna away...if HHH tried to get involved again, I missed it. I wonder if Chyna's doctor still had that hunk of Jaw that he removed from Chyna? She may need a skin graft. -commercials...including one for WRESTLEMANIAXV.com.......BOY, I sure hope some unsuspecting kid doesn't hit the wrong buttons and stumble onto Online Onslaught....that might turn him off to wrestling for GOOD! -footage of what we just saw.... -Kane is cradling Chyna in the backstage......three of his fingers were missing. -Let's make this quick shall we?......Lawler helped Sable sell her Playboy spread by drooling over her pictures...more than a FEW of those pics could be glimpsed..... -LINE OF THE NIGHT part 1.....Lawler, "Shut up, I'm reading!!" -LINE OF THE NIGHT part 2....Lawler to Taylor, "Don't worry, there will be a lot of sticky pages in your future!" -I noticed some fans sitting behind them seemed more intent with getting their signs on camera than seeing the pics.....those fans are HOMOS!!!!!!!!! -speaking of signs...what was UP with that sign that read, "PROPS TO BIDDLE"....could they be referring to former SCOOPS columnist Ross Biddle? The dude who wrote something like 3 columns, then quit the gig by claiming that there "was no more originality left on the net anymore?" -Things ended with Sable tearing her Sable Bomb shirt off Torrie and getting rid of Luna.... -LINE OF THE NIGHT 3 (sort of)...Taylor, "WHAT is going on here tonight? We have half naked girls running around....you're reading Playboy.....Sable is dancing in the ring? WHAT HAPPENED TO THE RASSLIN'??? WHERE IS THE RASSLIN'?????? DID BISCHOFF APPROVE OF THIS???? -The Bossman showed up in the parking lot....the Ministry attacked...and away we go... -commercials -The Ministry dragged the Bossman out to the entranceway....they tied him to that "symbol that looks sort of like a cross but Lawler can't say so because that would really be a little bit too much". UT lectured the camera on the dangers of crossing him..than admitted that he kidnapped the Limburgh baby (ARREST THAT MAN!!!! NOW!!!!HE IS SO...SO...EVIL!!!!!) -Bossman was lifted up into the sky....he looked like he was wetting his pants... -You know, somehow, I really doubt that when Christ was being crucified, he wasn't screaming, "I'M GONNA DESTROY THE NWO!!!!!! I'LL TAKE IT DOWN PIECE BY FU&^%$G PIECE"......but for all I know, he could have been....I wasn't there. -Poor bastard.....VINCE!!!!! YOU PRICK!!! HASN'T RAY TRAYLOR BEEN THROUGH ENOUGH HUMILIATION IN HIS LIFE???? HE WAS SPRAYPAINTED BY HOGAN 78 TIMES FOR CHRISSAKES!!!!!!!!!! -Then the Bossman kicked out of his ropes and hit the ground...then the Corporation charged in and attacked....Paul Wight was there, but he made a point out of staying away from the UT....that's an angle for another PPV time. -In the end, UT's symbol erupted in flames as the UT was being carted away into the pokey by some police.....Paul Bearer was on his cell phone, presumably talking to Linda McMahon (some folks think it's Vince's daughter....I'm probably wrong, but I'm sticking with the wife) -commercials -Vince is screaming at the UT about all sorts of things that he usually reserves for Austin......same shit, different toilet is the case here. A cop who apparently NEVER heard the phrase, "Less is more" screamed at Vince and threatened to arrest him....UT was seen laughing with the whites of his eyes showing....I am officially....intrigued by this angle and am really glad they found a major angle for him to work with. -The Rock took a seat next to Taylor and Lawler to observe this last match... -a plug for the Rock's appearance on "The Net"....then Foley came out -Lawler asked what show Mankind should be on...Rock answered, "Trailer Park Trash" starring Mankind...pretty funny. -Paul Wight came out as guest ref......did I forget to mention that these two guys were involved in the main event? Well, I just said it now didn't I? F-YOU. -Austin came out..... -How funny is it? We have Austin vs Mankind with Maivia and Paul Wight involved here....and we have Flair vs Goldberg with Hogan and Nash involved over on Nitro!! Talk about a ratings battle! -Austin had middle fingers galore for Maivia...the Rock was steamed. -Wight tried to inspect Austin's boots....Austin told Wight to eat him -They kept it outside at first right around the announcers. -Mankind mounted the top rope and was ready to leap onto Austin on the table...but Austin got out of the way. Austin will only take bumps like that on Pay Per View....thank you very much. -Hot as he is right now.....anyone else starting to think that the Rock's colorful catchphrases could get boring? -Mankind ended up being put into the table. It didn't out and out break apart. Somehow, I get the feeling that Taylor was sent out there just so he could experience the WWF style first hand. -Hey! The Rock couldn't give three drops of monkey (BLEEP) who the guest ref is for WM. I'd like to see the thing that could ring three drops of monkey ANYTHING out of the Rock! Why is he calling himself a monkey? Or does he own them? How many? -There really isn't much else to say...they tussled for a while longer, then the Giant ref made a very fast ten count on Austin and counted him out....Mankind wins the match....and was chokeslammed afterwards. The Rock was furious, Vince ran out and got Wight out of there. Maivia attacked Austin, Austin fought back, Wight got the Rock out of there, middle fingers all around, Lawler screamed "MASTER PLAN, MASTER PLAN!!" Taylor called Bischoff a homo and the show ended on that note. Just a thought....but perhaps the Master Plan involves Mankind making the three count on Austin at WM and joining the Corporation?!?! Remember, if that is what happens...you read it here first! The show was very entertaining..to me at least. Ross may not be the prettiest of pictures right now, but he can damn sure sell a story!! Hell, even the UT's angle, now that it's kicked into high gear, is growing on me. As for Taylor.....well, he didn't do anything BAD for his first time out! He can call a match and he does a serviceable job of selling the drama and keeping the viewers up to date on angle developments. His personality could use a spark, but he has a nice voice and a harmless delivery. He gets a grade B. As is always the case with Nitro, they start off with a grade F (you can thank Schiavone for that) and over the course of 3 hours try to improve themselves.....maybe this week they can do it?!?!? But I doubt it. Chris Hyatte
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