Mop-Up Nitro Recap & Review of March 13's edition of WCW Nitro (TNT) by Chris Hyatte I know that there are some of you who come to this column, for actual RESULTS. Yes, I am aware that there are a certain percentage of you who indeed want the results. I am also aware that, within that group of readers who want results, a certain percentage of you STILL prefer this jumbled mess of inane angles, ready-for-the-museum Stars, and no-heat workers to the product over in Titan. So, for you four readers. This Nitro recap will be just for you. I'm gonna be as objective as humanly possible here. It's a Nitro Recap for Nitro Lovers! Found ONLY here on ScoopThis.com. Madden sucks. NITRO (or: WCW raids my hometown. I'll be hiding under my bed) -(replay) opens with the ending to "American Ninja 4". "American Ninja 4"... because "3" left so many unanswered questions. -Someone tell me, does "American Ninja 4" fall under the TNT slogan "The Best Movie Studio on Television", or "The New Classics are on TNT"? -Warner Brothers put out this movie. Warner Brothers were also responsible for handing the "Batman" franchise to Joel Schumacher, who quickly turned Gotham City into Fantasy Island for Flaming Queens. Ted Turner is a big deal in the Warner Brothers family. Ted Turner is still pissed that the South lost the Civil War. Ted Turner runs you know which wrestling show. Ted Turner also owns the Atlanta Braves. John Rocker is a member of the Atlanta Braves. Kevin Bacon was once seen at Dodger's Stadium when the Dodgers played the Braves. Wow, that "6 Degrees of Kevin Bacon" really DOES work! -well... plusBacondidworkonthefilm Flatlinerswhichwasdirectedby Schumacher. -WCW Logo. Symbolizing the exact opposite of "Quality" -Opens with what'shisname doing the whattyacallit. I can't do it. This show blows so much. Where's my Beer? -No, seriously, we open with Ric Flair backstage somewhere telling Lex Luger and Elizabeth that Arn Anderson IS gonna join the team, that Arn WILL succumb to his wishes, and that Arn DOES have the most ridiculous, country bumpkin real name in all of wrestling. I mean really, who names their kids "Arn" and NOT expect them to grow up making fat city men like Ned Beatty squeal like a pig in some very rude ways? -If I live to be 100 I will NEVER run out of ways to reference "Deliverance" in any conversation. -Luger is officially re-assured, and feeling awfully good about things now. Hey, who WOULDN'T want to have a drunken, out of shape, unreliable, lazy ass worker who's best days are FAR behind him on their team? GOD BLESS SCOOPTHIS.COM!!!! -Opening theme. Devoid of the Nitro Girls. Yet like the first time your Mother caught you spanking it, the memory lingers on. -"You're doing it wrong. Here let me show you." I miss my Mommy *sniff* -Tony Schiavone welcomes us to the 6 day pit stop before Uncensored. Where the only truly "uncensored" thing about it will be the tirade Paul Busch goes on in his office once he sees the PPV Buyrates for this thing. -They are in Providence, Rhode Island. Don't I live here? -Yes, by gum, I do. I live 10 miles or so up the road in a very small town called Cumberland. Not that anyone cares. -My address is 2410 Mendon Road. COME AND GET ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -I like to light fires too. Big fires. Especially in other people's houses. COME AND REPORT ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -I dig up graves and rape the corpses in the wee hours of the morning. GO GET THE COPS!!!!!!!! -My Landlord lives in the same house. His wife is pregnant. I'm the Father. GO RAT ME OUT!!!!!!!! -He's also my Cousin. GO GET ME EVICTED!!!!!!!!!! -Rhode Island, for anyone who cares, is one of the most corrupt states in the Union. Right now, the FBI has brought up charges and we are now embroiled in a huge Trial. The Governor blames the Mayor for this, the Mayor responded by talking about how the Governor takes people to Strip Clubs on the taxpayers dime. Everyone is turning on everyone else and the sweat is flying freely. GOD BLESS THIS STATE!!!!! GOD BLESS RHODE ISLAND'S TRULY SMALL TIME POLITICAL OFFICIALS!!!! -Camera shot of the crowd. I recognize no one. Partially because I haven't left my house in over 5 years, and when I do, I keep my eyes to the ground. -Mark Madden is there with Tony. I have half a mind to march down to the Civic Center right now, get a ticket, go to behind the Announcers, and demand that he admit to STEALING MY JESUS ARTICLE!!!!! -In fact, F-it... I'm going there right now!! I'll be back with my exclusive LIVE NITRO RECAP in a few hours!!!! -I'm back. I didn't get in. I forgot that Monday Nitro is usually not held on Tuesdays. Shee-it. -Funny, they're were still selling tickets tho'. Only half price. They are getting desperate to sell out ANYTHING now. -Well, the tape in the VCR tells me that Ric Flair is coming out. Mark Madden says that he has all four fingers held up. He must have ate his thumb. -They are NOT bringing back the Horsemen, are they? I've dug up and raped corpses that were more exuberant. -Flair hit the ring. Unless Madden missed his guess, Arn Anderson and Ric Flair have ALWAYS been on the same side, and tonight won't change a thing. If he's gonna stay on TV, maybe Madden should stop worrying about missing guesses and start thinking about missing meals? -Flair got on the mic and said that he is in a "God Forsaken part of the World, Providence Rhode Island." (Can't really argue with him there. Nothing but Italians and chicks with big hair.) -Why would Flair be here? Why, to make a point, of course. He promised Lex Luger and Elizabeth that he will produce Arn Anderson tonight and make him apologize for whatever happened on Thunder that only dumb ass recappers know about. -Hell, the only thing about Thunder that interests me is the rumor going around that Mike Tenay and Bobby Heenan get progressively drunker as the show goes on. Usually, by the last ten minutes, Heenan is nearly passed out. -Quick, someone report this rumor on their website and see if Scherer starts bitching about these "Internet Scumsucking Rumor Mongers" who ruin things for the REAL (owned and operated by WCW) reporters EVERYWHERE! -that was NOT a shot at Scherer. Well, not really. In fact, now that I am no longer obliged to visit SCOOPS everyday (contract stips), I find that Scherer really DOES run the best daily pure news column around. If Samuda went daily, it wouldn't be a contest, but oh well. -Arn Anderson came out. Wearing a shirt with the Nike Logo. Unfortunately, "Air Arn" never quite took off. Spike Lee refused to work with such a "Cracker ass country cracker". -Flair demanded that they kill the music, so he could get his schtick started. He said that there were four thousand women gasping right now, over the possibility that Arn would NOT go do... something. Oh I don't know what the frick he was rambling about. -The gist was that Flair was inviting Arn to rejoin the HORSEMEN, just under the different name "Team Package". (Actually, Flair, Anderson, and Luger together come closest to the actual HORSEMEN then we've seen in the 90's) -Flair concluded that thousands of women worldwide were waiting for this moment (and perhaps, on or two fags?) when Arn and Flair would once again reclaim the lifestyle that was so fitting during the Reagan Era. -Arn had a mic and said it would be easy to join the team, claiming that "Anybody who is anybody in this sport would be honored to do just that." Yeah, but what about the Nobodies in this sport? WHAT ABOUT THE DOUG GILBERTS OF THIS BUSINESS???? DON'T THEY GET A CHANCE??? -Oh... wait... they tried that already. They tried giving a "Nobody" a shot. His name was Paul Roma. He tanked. -Arn admitted that for the past 15 years, he scratched Flair's back and Flair deserted him for Titan. YOU LEFT ARN HIGH AND DRY RIC!!!!!!!! HE CAME BACK FROM THE WWF TO BE WITH YOU, DAMMIT!!! AND YOU DESERTED HIM LIKE HE WAS 6 MONTHS PREGNANT AND UGLIER THAN OLD DIRTY BASTARD!!!!! -Arn went on about performing for "People like this" and dumped blood for them in "town after town" (well PLEASE... neither Arn or Flair have worked Providence all that much, and I KNOW neither of them dropped an OUNCE of blood here). -Arn said that the Horsemen were the "Horsemen" through RESPECT, NOT through "breaking people's arms, breaking people's legs, so they wouldn't have to face them again..."*COUGHDusty'sankleCOUGH* *A-ARickyMorton'snoseCHEW* *HACKOrndorff'sneckHACK* *COUGHlistgoesonandonlyingoldfartCOUGH* -Does Arn have a point? Yes, the OLD Horsemen EARNED it, this new Horsemen are about ego and is Hell bent for destruction. Arn doesn't want to be a part of it. -So, Arn doesn't want to play this game, but would like to remain friends (HA!!! I've heard that one before... friggin' lying bitch, I hope your vag falls out). Then he warned Ric that in 6 days, he was in the match of his LIFE against Hulk Hogan in that ridiculous Apple Pie Indian Strap Match. -Flair cut him off and demanded that he get down there and join up. Enough was enough and it was NOT time for Arn to change! -Arn wanted Hulk Hogan to come on out because he had something to say to him. -Hogan came out. His music cued WAAY too early to seem spontaneous. -Hulk was all decked out in his red and yellow pajamas. Red was the dominant color this week. You know you're in trouble when both Chris Jericho and the Ultimate Warrior goof on you inside of the same week. Hell, you know you're in trouble when the ULTIMATE WARRIOR goofs on you at ALL. -Flair pitched a fit. Hulk told him to shut up and said, "Double A, you got something to say to me, Brother?" ("Brother"? Wasn't the 60's over 30 years ago?) -Arn said that Flair was calling himself "The Man" for 15 years, and that will FINALLY be proved once and for all on Sunday. But Hogan is going to have... have... oh FOR CHRIST SAKES -Arn said that Hogan won't have to worry about him interfering on Sunday, he's taking himself "out of the whole damn shooting match". -Hogan said, "No offense, Brother, but..." then curled his middle finger against his thumb, increased the tension, then let it go in a flick. It his Arn on the chin. Arn's neck snapped back. His legs buckled. Arn screamed, "DAMMIT, I DON'T HAVE THE TOOLS" and wiped out on the floor. -Hogan looked down on him and finished, "But I wasn't exactly losing sleep over what you might do in there." -Flair freaked. Hogan smiled. Arn was helped out back. There were birds flying around his head. -Hogan started walking to the ring, talking about how Flair has depended on Arn for the last 20 years, but now he's going to have to stand alone (withlugerandthealwayscraftyelizabeth). -Hogan said that he's gonna strap his Python across Flair's, "Jet flying, Limousine riding, wheeling dealing, Peroxiding, you know what, Brother" (Well, he damn sure got lost in THAT sentence, didn't he?) -Hogan said that Providence was "Hulk Country" (Well, there ARE some fond memories here). And Providence wants... no, NEEDS to have this go down RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!! -Hogan charged the ring... Flair chopped him... Hogan didn't sell it... Hogan attacked... two legends going at it on Free TV! HOW CAN YOU BE WATCHING RAW AT A TIME LIKE THIS???????????? -NEVER MIND THAT IT'S NOT EVEN ON YET!!! I KNOW YOU'RE SITTING AT HOME, IMAGINING THAT RAW IS ON!!! HOW DARE YOU!!!!!! -Luger ran in with a baseball bat. To everyone's shock, he even USED IT!!! -Flair whipped Hogan a little. Madden referenced Devo. I heard Schiavone loudly sigh. -Hogan was stretchered away holding his shoulder. That's it. Hulk-A-Mania died tonight. It will NEVER come crashing down and hurt inside EVER again. He'll NEVER be a man again, he has no choice but TO let it slide. -Tony had all the action he could take for the first ten minutes. Plus Madden suddenly thought his shoelaces were actually Spaghetti and was digging in under the table. It was high time for the night's first set of... -commercials -They are STILL shoving Riki Rachtman down our throats... amazing. The final remains of Bischoff's desperation to make Nitro "hip" simply will not die. -"Riki". Come on. I know that sometimes I harp too much on the gayer elements but... COME ON... "RIKI"?? -I mean, "Rick" is gay enough, but drop the "C" and you are now in "Gerbil Country". -Anyway, they were doing that Nitro Spring Breakout thing, (Ooh, I can't wait to see Mark Madden in "Summer Clothes") at the "Liquid Lounge" in Brown University. -More pre-taped clips. More pre-taped FUN!!! I spent my time marveling at how white my thumb gets from pushing down on the Fast Forward button so hard. -Moments ago, Hogan sold that PPV match like he only had four left. -We get to see Tony Schiavone and Mark Madden in all their splendor. Madden put his two thumbs over his shoulders and pointed downwards. Ah, who cares? It's not like anyone watches ECW anyway. -Then Madden put his hands on the desk in front of him, which of course focuses the viewers eye directly on his massive belly. -His hands looked like they were struggling to stay together. I don't think he is able to get his hands to touch behind his back? -Tony talked. Madden breathed through his nose. -Tony talked. Madden opened his mouth a crack. Then closed it. -Tony talked. Madden's mouth cracked open, closed, opened, closed. Now he looked like a fish out of the water. -Tony said, "Now we are wondering about Hogan's condition for Uncensored" -Madden's mouth opened, "What do you mean ‘we', Kemosabe?" (What's the matter Mark? AFRAID TO USE THE PROPER TERM??? IT'S "WHITE MAN" WHAT DO YOU MEAN "WE", WHITE MAN??? That RACIST BASTARD!!!!!) -Remember, I'm just joking around, but I'm REALLY very, very serious and mean EVERYTHING I SAY!!! -I think Tony HATES Madden now. He just looks so disgusted with him. -Tony talked. Mark breathed through his nose. His chest heaved more and more, sweat was coming out of his forehead. Snot was dripping into his mustache. His hands started to nervously wrap on the table. THE MAN IS SUFFOCATING!!!!!! -good. -Backstage, Hogan is arguing as paramedics examine his shoulder and decide that he should go to the Hospital. Jimmy Hart is there because he's Hogan's best friend whenever Beefcake ain't around. Arn Anderson is there because he's a natural born follower. -Three Count, whose members include Evan, Shannon, and Shane (I say it was a total coincidence, anyway) were in the ring. They had their little discs with them, but before Madden could talk about injecting their semen into Britney Spears... -The Jung Dragons attack. Tony and Madden called them "Young Dragons", once again failing to grasp the subtle complexities of pronouncing the letter "J". -The Jung Dragons are "Danny San", "Kaz", and "Yang". I'm sure I'll have something amusing (and perhaps a bit edgy?) to say about these names in the future. -Madden says that these six are "the FUTURE of Wrestling! The FUTURE of WCW!!!" That's right people, Madden just admitted that Shane Shannon was the future of WCW. Ooops, forgot that pesky "&" again. -One of the Jungos had a mask around his eyes. This way he can fight crime by night, and chauffeur his snotty American Businessman employer around by day. -ooph, I am just bombing left and right tonight. Good thing nobody reads the Nitro recap anymore. -They all took turns leaping over the top rope onto the floor. The Luchadors used to do it all the time. -Then they all took turns bouncing off the top rope and dropping elbows left and right. -Three Count ended up winning after either Shane or Shannon played around with their Yang. That is the best I can come up with right now. -Backstage. Luger insisted to Flair that he doesn't need Arn anymore and that they did just fine taking Hogan by their lonesomes. -In another part of the building, Arn ran into Curt Hennig and said that he was sick and tired of seeing what this business did to people. (Oh My GOD YES!! I know what he means! Before I started writing this column almost 3 years ago, I was a Black guy. NOW LOOK AT ME!!!!!) -In disgust, Arn left. Hennig asked where he was going. Arn said he was going to see his kids. He was going to drive home to North Carolina to see his kids. If he happened to find himself on I 95, then so be it. If he happened to drive through Connecticut, then so be it. If he happened to see a Large building... a Tower... right off I 95, then so be it. If he happened to pull into the parking lot of this building, then so be it. If he happened to drop off his resume in the mailbox slot at this certain Tower off I 95, then so be it. Is Arn one to argue with fate and coincidence? Hell NO! -Bam Bam Bigelow and the Wall were seen lurching backstage. -commercials -Backstage, El Dandy and Silver King are going through their piles of mail (no doubt, some sort of Prison Gay Sex Pen Pal Exchange thing that these Luchadors are FAMOUS for, according to Al) when Miss Handcock went up to them. El Dandy saddled up to her and asked if he "hexite ju groin". Handcock shot back, "Excite your GROIN?" Dandy "Jes". Handcock stormed away. -Madden, "Excite her LOINS???". Always with the food on his mind. -The Wall went to the ring. meanwhile, Berlyn is busy looking at that ridiculous haircut he had to get and screaming, "F**king Bischoff!" -Bam Bam Bigelow came to the ring. Remember folks, he is one of the MOST DANGEROUS PEOPLE ALIVE!!!! -Within 5 seconds, the Wall had one of the MOST DANGEROUS PEOPLE ALIVE handcuffed to the corner. -Within 15 seconds, Crowbar, David Flair, and Daffney were out -Within 25 seconds, Crowbar was chokeslammed -Within 35 seconds, David Flair was chokeslammed -Within 55 seconds, Bigelow was screaming, "GET ME A KEY, GET ME A KEY RIGHT NOOOOOOW" -Within 60 seconds, Bam Bam added, "GET ME A PROGRAM WITH A BLACK FOOTBALL HERO!!! GET ME A PROGRAM WITH A BLACK FOOTBALL HERO RIGHT NOOOOOW" -Within 70 seconds, The Wall chokeslammed David Flair onto Crowbar who was lying on the top of two tables set up on the outside. If anyone saw New Jack and that other Idiot friggin' kill themselves on that ECW show Sunday night, then you weren't all that impressed. -Within 80 seconds, The Wall beat on Bigelow some more. -Within 90 seconds, it all ended. -That's 90 seconds of my life. 90 seconds that I WANT BACK RIGHT F-ING NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!! -commercials -Jeff Jarrett came out with the Harris Brothers and three girls. I'm not sure if they are the same pieces of quiff he had last week, or even the week before? -Of course, Madden was selling his ass off on how Jarrett is his Lord and Savior, and how if you don't follow him ye shall be CAST IN A LAKE OF FIRE!!!! Or some other nonsense. -FUN THING TO DO!! If you run into one of these Born Again Nutjobs (and I'm not saying that all Born Again Christians are Nutjobs, just the ones who take their Bible MUCH too literally), and they hit you with a "God Bless you", shoot them with the old Jimmy Snuka/Devil/Rock On Hand sign and calmly say, "Hail Satan". Watch their heads explode. -They all hit the ring. The Harris Kids order the girls to walk away. Jarrett tries to talk, then orders them to shut off the damn music. -Jarrett knows that Providence is filled with a bunch of terminally unhumpable coozebags (they all either look like your Mother, or your Dog, or they have Boyfriends, and these Boyfriends are all Italian. No wonder I like to chop them up and bury them in the woods behind my house... but that's our little secret). So he thought it would be nice if he kept the girls out there to give us a thrill. -Of course, Jarrett ended up throwing them all out of the ring. He has grown so... authoritive... since coming here. I never thought I'd say this in the New Age of McMahon but, jumping to WCW was a GREAT step for Jarrett. -He sold his match with Sid as something we all want to see. He sold "Slap Nuts" and all it's variations as something we'd like to wear over our torsos. -Then he said, "If you smell what the Chosen One is cooking!!" Alas, even he knew it had no panache. -If you can whistle, start whistling right now. Start at the highest pitch you can make, then lower it progressively until it's ass low as you can get it. When you reach the lowest point, slap your hand on whatever surface is nearest to you. Make a noise in your mouth that sounds like a crash. There, you just described this week's columns. -Sid came out. He wanted to get three things straight. Although he didn't specify, numerically, the first one was that he was going to take Jarrett's mouth, stretch it 8 feet wide, and he's going to... slap his nuts right in there?!?! (SHITFIRE! Now THAT'S HOW YOU SELL A PPV GODDAMMIT!!!!!!) -Number 2: Jarrett does NOT have Sid's Number, Jarrett never HAD Sid's number, and Jarrett won't ever KNOW Sid's number, but one number he SHOULD have is the number 911. I have Sid's number! It's (225) 769-7546. Except when you call, ask for "Bob" his alias. And expect an older voice with a deep Southern accent. Trust me, it's Sid... in disguise. -Number 3: Sid would have NO problem fighting the Harris Boys all alone tonight, but it also "wouldn't be hard to find a problem... to find a partner. For you see, anybody would LOVE helping me to KICK YOUR ASSESES!!" (Poor, dumb, bastard. He tries so hard) -Somewhere in there, Sid challenged the Harris Boys. Then brought out Vampiro as his partner. Together, they will take the "two bald headed goofs, and kick their ASS!!!" (Wisely, he didn't even TRY with the plural form. He ain't that dumb. Well, he is, but he ain't retarded dumb... well, okay... THE MAN REMEMBERED TO LACE HIS BOOTS!!! IT'S A START!!!) -Vampiro got on the mic and begged Jarrett to "stick that Slap nut face in my match". Look, there is no way ON THIS PLANET, IN THIS UNIVERSE, that the words "Slap", "Nut", and "Face" should be used in the same SENTENCE. Unless a Female is saying them. -Backstage, Bam Bam Bigelow made sure that David Flair and Crowbar were loaded into the Ambulance, then told the camera that the Wall needs a beating. Classic 80's style old school promo that was an absolute pleasure to Fast Forward through. -Backstage, Mean Gene talked to Harlem Heat. Both Stevie Ray and J. Biggs agreed that Booker was a "low down nasty snake". Okerlund agreed that the next time he interviews these guys, he's wearing THREE pairs of Boxers. -commercials... "Contact" is on TNT, because only on another planet would Jodie Foster agree to get her eggs fertilized by something MALE! -Brian Knobbs told the kids to stay in school. God, just listening to him makes me feel dumber. -The Nitro Girls are in the building. -Rodney Dangerdorff was at the big Arnold Schwarzenegger Steroid Juice Weight Expo. You never saw a bigger gathering of complete freaks. All misshapen and obscenely built. Hell, take away any sort of muscle tone and you've got pretty much the entire Wrestleline crew. -I think they signed that big guy with the big arms. Was the "Giant Gonzales" REALLY so long ago that they are going to try the "Sign the freak, sight unseen" AGAIN??? -Kidman walked out with Torrie. Along the way, they gave each other a dry kiss on the lips. If I was Kidman, and even though it was all an act and she doesn't date Jews (Anti-Semitic BITCH!!!), I'd jam the tongue right down her friggin' esophagus anyway. In front of millions. Try to get ANY sort of reaction out of her other than that dopey smile. Give her a little taste of HYATTE. Then I'd chop her head off and bury her in the woods behind my house. Look into her eyes kids, she ain't gonna be creating the Perpetual Motion machine anytime soon. -I saw those pictures too. She's hot, but she's so frickin' MINDLESS. She's a Mannequin with a vag. -Man, I can't wait until Tammy Fitch gets there. WCW BADLY needs a chick with a personality in there. -Booker came out. Whatever happened to his chick anyway? The one with the Michael Jackson nosejob? -Lenny Lane and Idol came out. I think they had different names. -Miss Handcock came out. Madden asked her for a B-Job. Handcock said no. Madden then asked if she could at least look at it to make sure it was getting enough oxygen and it wasn't all gang greenous. (See, fat guy's stomachs hang so heavily over their pee pees that it causes a... turtle shell... effect. I only know this because there were a LOT of fat guys in Prison.) -Instead of doing Madden, or even looking at his "Little Ryder" (aww, how cute), Miss Handcock instead discussed how she'd like to get Kidman alone in a room and see what kind of lube that grease in his hair would make. -Amazingly on cue, as if she heard it all, Torrie came strolling over, got in Miss Handcock's face. (BRRRR... "Hand", "C*ck", "Face". Three words that should NEVER be used in the same sentence....friggin' EVER!!! Well, unless babes are talking... then by all means, hand that c*ck near that face and let's have a party baby!!!) and said to keep away from the one with the biggest nose). It surprised me that Miss Handcock did not invite Torrie to discourse with her appendage. - Meanwhile, Madden said that he'd like to see these two chicks have a lesbo scene. Tony spit out his coffee. -Meanwhile again, Booker did that breakdancing thing. Madden screamed, "SPINEROONI, SPINEROONI" (what grade are we in now?) -Booker sidekicked Lane down, then Kidman landed on top of him and scored the pin. This pissed off Booker. Madden asked "Why can't we all just get along?" Then he took off backstage to loot the Vending machines. -Lex Luger is backstage with Elizabeth. They are both engaging in a steady, but casual form of aerobic activity that involves forward motion. -commercials -Lex Luger came out with Elizabeth. He went through his little routine. -Then we go backstage where Jimmy Hart is almost flattened by a speeding ambulance. The Ambulance stops. Hogan gets out of the driver's seat, brushes past hart and takes off back into the building. Hart follows after him. You can FEEL the love these two have for each other. The DEEP, CARING, BOND! -Meanwhile, Curt Hennig comes out. Three quick questions: 1) When did he become a Face?, 2) When did he become a main event player, 3) WHY ISN'T HE RUNNING DOWN A STREET NAKED?? -Madden remembers a time when the Total package was just a rookie, known as "Lex Luger" at the time (Oh WOW MARK, TELL US MORE ABOUT THE OLDEN TIMES!!), and everyone thought he was this big dumb clod that the Horsemen took in as simple muscle. Now he's intelligent, cerebral, and a well educated man! -This Madden is a douchebag. Luger was a rookie in FLORIDA and he stayed a rookie in FLORIDA until his second year. Then he showed up on the way cool TBS Saturday Night show in a full suit. He announced that along with the strength, and the body, he was also a college educated man with a degree in whatever the frick he studied. Even back then, he was the Total Package, just like he is now. -Madden was probably an asshole then, JUST LIKE HE'S AN ASSHOLE NOW!!! -This match barely got going when Flair ran in and caused the DQ. -Hogan ran in and chased everyone away. Hogan's shoulder was healed due to the POWER OF THE FANS!!!!!! (and some well placed Horse Piss) -Hogan got on the stick and called Flair "Brother" (jeeze, either Hogan's Mom was a slut or his Dad was a STUD! I know it's not fair calling a randy girl a "slut" and a randy boy a "stud", but I didn't make these rules, I just follow them). -Hogan said that Providence would like to see Hogan and Hennig vs Flair and Luger. After some more chatter... -the match as made. -Backstage in the Boiler room, Vampiro decided that it was time to "share the pain he feels from hating you so much" onto Jarrett. (Didn't Brooks and Dunn sing that song? Or was that Randy Travis? Marty Evans? Clint Black? Douche Boggs?) -umm... just when you thought the booking couldn't get any worse... -Brian Knobbs whipped that Dog idiot with a leash after catching him licking out of the toilet. - - -I'll say it again... Brian Knobbs whipped that Dog idiot with a leash after catching him licking out of the toilet. -I am learning to hate this stupid ass sport. -commercials -Riki Rachtman was still at Brown University. Shouldn't these kids be watching Nitro or something? -The Nitro Girls were in the ring. Nobody tried to explain how some of those girls could be two places at once. Probably for the better. -Okerlund talked to Sid Viscous. Sid started to laugh and laugh and laugh (hmmph, he must have read one of those letters Remy's been sending out saying, "Hyatte? We've never had a ‘Hyatte' write for our site?") -Sid promised doom and destruction for Jeff Jarrett, but he WOULD be willing to put Jarrett over and hand him the title if he REALLY, REALLY wanted him to. (Seems that Sid ain't too keen about being World Champ during WCW's darkest days either) -Norman Smiley beat the Dog. Leave it at that. -Afterwhich, Brian Knobbs got on the stick and said that he came here for a FIGHT and dammit, someone better get their ass out there and GIVE HIM ONE!! Or else he'll cut another promo and tell kids to go back to SCHOOL!!! (Dear God... SOMEONE GET OUT THERE... QUICK!!!!!!!!) -Terry Funk was seen walking out. BLESS YOU, YA MOTHER FUNKA!!!! -commercials. Josh Jackson is part of a secret fraternal club. That's right, they FINALLY made a movie about all the guys Katie Holmes boffed!! -Craig T. Nelson?? WHOA!!! WAY TO GO!!! -Did Katie Holmes have a stroke or something? Half her face always seems dead? -Backstage, the Dog was frothing at the mouth and chasing Smiley. Was this WCW's way of saying that if you bite a Black person, you get rabies? They WOULDN'T DARE!!!!) -In the ring, Knobbs was filling the ring with crap. Junk crap, not the brown excrement. -Then Terry Funk came out. Tony swears to us that "Beyond the Mat" is ALL about Terry Funk and the last 2 months he's been there at WCW . -The started to fight. Funk clapped Knobbs over the head with two garbage lids. -It spilled outside, it spilled back inside. Knobbs hit Funk in the midsection with a can. Tony said so. Madden insisted that it was the groin. Samuda should have been DANCING when this guy jumped. -They both started to hit each other over the head with the same can at the same time. -Then two members of 3 Count ran out and went right for Knobbs. They dropped him. -Evan rolled Funk on top of Knobbs and Funk got the pin. -Then they dropkicked Funk out of the ring. Then they started to dance. Then Knobbs attacked them. Then Funk came back in and hit them with a fist which was wrapped in a Chicken. -Madden said Colonel Sanders was rolling in his grave right now. I would think he already did that once that KFC Marketing Braintrust decided on the "Hip Hop Cartoon Colonel". -Dustin Rhodes ran in and proceeded to beat the living crap out of Funk. Funk might have gotten bloody, because they pulled away. -Backstage, both the Harris Boys and the Sid/Vampiro team were all ready to go. -commercials -Last Wednesday, Vampiro and Fit Finlay engaged in a heated war that knows no bounds. -Fit Finlay was cutting a screamer promo that basically said that the only way Vampiro has a shot against him is if he severs the nerve on his other leg and makes him a cri'ple. Then he screamed, "DAMMIT, WHY AREN'T I A HOSSMAN YET? THAT FAT RUNNELS PROMISED ME A SHOT!!! BLOODY ‘ELL!!" -Sid Vicious came out. Vampiro followed. The Harris Boys came next. I like this, no F-ing around. -Madden said that Vampiro would be the "next big thing in WCW". Oh Mark, don't sell yourself short. YOU'RE the next big thing in WCW buddy!!! -Sid took on one of them first. He took care of biz, then tagged Vampiro. -Vampiro had some fun, then ate a clothesline and it was beatdown time. -The beatdown went a ways, then Sid was tagged and he powerbombed one of them and won. It was that quick. Really, not much to it at all. -Okerlund was in front of Hulk Hogan's locker room. He hopes to call in every favor he has and get a few words with Jimmy Hart right after these... -commercials -Riki Rachtman was in Providence. I should have gone down there and torn his ass up. Or at least demand that he give me details on banging Janine. -We see several wrestlers macking out on some Brown Co-eds. HEY!! I know her!!! I once molested her with a bottle of Moosehead! -Hey!! I know that one too. Met her at a party 2 years ago! Great fun. Woke up in someone's bed the next morning. The shower was running. I was going to go join my night's action, but decided to grab my clothes and haul ass instead. Seeing a Priest's collar on the nightstand will do that. -Okerlund has Flair and Luger. Hogan and Hennig were dead, dead, DEAD. They were a bit more verbose. -Harlem Eat came out. -Backstage, we see the Harris Boys beat the crap out of the Mamalukes. -Disco Inferno came out. J. Biggs sat with the Announcers and Madden went all Vanilla Ice over him. -Disco got in the ring, grabbed the mic, and said "NA NA NA GONNA HAVE A GOOD TIIIME!! HEY HEY HE-EY!!" -Disco called them "Three Fat Alberts", called J. Biggs "J J Walker", then said that he was no longer a Wrestler, he was a Manager. So, instead of a one on one mess, how's about they eat up time with a tag team WAR??? -DINF said, "DY-NO-MIIITE" then called out the Guidos. -No one came. DINF got his ass kicked. -You know, the Disco Inferno would not be allowed to write for SCOOPS now. -Afterwards Stevie gave a real Mad Dog stare into the camera. I jumped out of my window and ran 3 miles before remembering that it was only on TV. -Okerlund talked to Hennig and Hogan. Luger and Flair were dead, dead, DEAD. They were a bit less articulate. -commercials -Flair and Luger are out. Elizabeth were with them. -Curt Hennig and Hulk Hogan came out. Madden insists that Hulk-A-Mania will NEVER die. Thank GOD a court told Madden that he was NO Journalist. -They got going. Luger vs Hogan. BIG sign that read, "WORLD WRESTLING FEDERATION"... rather appropriate. -Luger gets a beat down. Then tags Flair. -Flair chops Hennig. Hennig ain't selling shee-it. He chops back. Flair sells. -Flair is tossed around. He tags in Luger. -Jimmy Hart runs in. The fans tell him to F-Off. -Hogan is tagged and... Damn... he's getting a pop. -Hogan and Flair tussle. It's mostly Hogan. -Low blow by Flair. Luger is tagged and takes control. -Hogan's getting his ass whupped. -Hennig is tagged. He goes right for Flair. -All four men are going at it. Things look bad for Team Package. -Luger is given the bat by Liz. Hennig takes a shot in the gut. Hart takes one on the back. -Hogan takes off his weight belt (his Apple Pie Weight belt?) and is about to whip. The Ref yanks it away. Hogan shoves the Ref down. The Ref calls for the bell. Hogan is DQed. -Liz comes in with the bat and clips Hogan in the back of the knee. Hogan's down. -Flair is whipping Hogan. Luger is taking care of Hennig. -The lights go out. Madden says that someone just grabbed his leg, and demands that Tony get security. It was funny. -The lights stay out, but we see Vampiro come out. He attacks Flair -Sting comes out. Luger goes after him. Sting meets him and beats him into the ring again. -Sting splashes Luger. Luger rolls out. -Team Package run. Sting, Hogan, and Vampiro rejoice in the ring. -The show ends. Weird show. I think the only really decent match was the six man tag match, and I LOATH to give the night to Nitro on the basis of a match involving Shane & Shannon. I did like the Stevie Ray match, because it was fun. Then again. Nitro was up against the return of Vincent K. McMahon. RAW wins. Closer time. Short and sweet. Here are some ideas that I feel would help WCW start scoring some points with the fans. I doubt much of anything would help turn the tide if the WWF keeps up with what they've been doing, but they can certainly stop the bleeding that is dripping out bills by the thousands. Just a few ideas I think would be peachy keen. -Turn Goldberg HEEL! As soon as he gets back. Goldberg is a sucky face anyway. He looks pissed all the time, Heels are pissed all the time. A bad guy Goldberg would really light up WCW in amazing ways. Hogan might even resurrect his career... AGAIN by being the only guy who could challenge Goldberg. It would be fascinating to see. -Build the company around Sting. Sting has been around almost as long as the Horseman. He was once the #1 Babyface there. Since Bischoff put him in the Bleachers for 18 months, Sting has been almost a B player. Other than when he first beat Hogan, he hasn't starred in a single main event. He hasn't had a single PPV built around him. It's time to get his lazy ass back into a full time gig. Re-work his contract and make it happen. -Hall and Nash. Every time Nash gets "political", the show starts to suck. He can't book... well, he can, but it's not very good. Hall and Nash are best when they were OUTSIDERS! No allegiance, other than to each other. No groups. No control. Two troublemakers who turn out a great promo. That's where they rule. -Dump the Hardcore division. WCW has yet to put on a hardcore match that the WWF hasn't topped and ECW hasn't destroyed. You don't have the luxury of a loyal audience anymore to think a single table shot could be considered the most devastating "extreme" spot this sport has ever seen. -Madden. Lose the guy. He's an amateur where a professional is needed. Jesus, put DiBiase in there. A smart, witty, articulate man. If DiBiase is gone, put in some other well spoken guy who's good on the mic. I think Scott Hall would be incredible. -Keep and eye on the WWF Contracts. Lots of names might be willing to listen to an offer. How about Al Snow? Edge? Christian? Maybe Test? Ken Shamrock? How about the Undertaker? I don't know what they have on their contracts, but some decent names might be up? -Lose the Douchebags. Knobbs, Finlay, The Dogg, The Mamalukes, DINF, Lenny Lane, Lodi, Bigelow, Kanyon, Van Hammer, and yes, Norman Smiley are all douchebags. Bite the bullet, cut some cords, and save some money. -If you hire babes, hire babes with a little PERSONALITY!!!! There's a reason why Mae Young is more interesting than Torrie Wilson. Tammy Sytch is a great start. I could think up more stuff, but it's not like anyone in WCW reads this. It's ScoopThis, for Chrissakes. [Editor's Note: Hey!] Now I have to go work for 36 hours straight. Ahh, the life of an E.R. Doctor is NEVER dull. Next week is next week. Don't bug me about it. Oh yeah, please do me a favor and die. This is Hyatte.