Mop-Up RAW Recap & Review of March 13's edition of WWF Raw (USA) by Chris Hyatte 'If you don't care about Nitro stop recapping it jackass. Especially now that your mopups aren't funny anymore (can you say EGO ?). Wich part of your pc will blow up next ? Yeah... right... move on slappy. If you call those half-assed, old jokes a good mopup maybe you're drinking too much Oh... no way you can drink all that beers, bwahahahahahahh . Should change your e-mail addy to GLORYMARK.” - The Chosen 1 Well, I never called it 'good” I'm Chris and this is the Mop-Up. No beer this week, gonna get through things quickly. I'm a busy man. Busy, busy, busy. This week's Opening notes will focus on a variety of topics. Most of which deals with these 'Internet feuds” which are all over the place. Many of which I'm involved with in one way or another. First, for this week, I will NOT be revealing that special message I was talking about. As the party I was referring to has given me no reason to, and seems intent on never giving me a reason. That's good. Keep it up and it'll all go away. Why did everyone think I was talking about Sean Shannon anyway? Jesus, I was talking about 411's Ashish. AND IF YOU MOUTH OFF ONE MORE TIME BUDDY!!! I'LL FU***NG BURY YOU!!!!!!! No, of course, it was Sean Shannon. And yes, I am aware (through the ScoopThis mailboard) that Sean promised 'never to stop until he gets that bastard (moi) off the Internet”. Well, after quivering in my boots for a suitable amount of time, I realized that he wrote that threat BEFORE he had a chance to see my offer. So, in the spirit of fairness, I laughed it off. Now. I know that a LOT of you are totally bored with these feuds. But, you have to understand that this is a thing that is clearly split down the middle, almost 50%. Half the audience LOVES this stuff. The other half HATE it (very few folks are indifferent). I feud because it keeps me interested in this. It adds spice to the job, AND it's fun to watch people argue about it. It's like a Tennis Match, back and forth, up and down. I think it's a hoot. Especially when the guy you waste registers his outrage on the Net, so you REALLY know you tagged him (Thank YOU Brian Sullivan!). But, in the spirit of fairness, this week will be a FEUD FREE column. I will take NO shots at anyone. This is for those who hate these stupid feuds (you know it's stupid... I know it's stupid... but sometimes I get someone who has no clue how stupid it is, they are so FUN to goof on). I'm serious. No shots this week. Free rides all around. EXCEPT... I have to talk to Sean for a second. Sean, buddy... somebody sent a chunk of a chat transcript involving you. I pulled one quote that really stunned me... "... hate crimes happen. And my long hair and generally feminine looks have gotten me in trouble with people before." I knew about the hair, and the weight, and the speech impediment, and the general depression, and the misery, and the tongue. Trust me, that was enough. So why the HELL DID YOU ADMIT THAT YOU LOOK LIKE A CHICK TOO???????? COME ON SEAN!!!! WHAT THE FUDGE IS WRONG WITH YOU???? ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND???? DID YOU THINK, 'GEE, HYATTE AND EVERYONE ELSE JUST DIDN'T HAVE ENOUGH ON ME, I'LL TOSS OUT THIS LITTLE BONE TOO”?? Dude, now it's embarrassing. Would you please STOP. Thank you. See, I really didn't take any shots at all. Now did I? Brief side note: Someone who ALSO feuds with Sean took me to task for threatening to post that message. He called me quite a few names, then said I was sinking too low. Hey A-Hole, when I fight, I fight to WIN, and I didn't see one rulebook on 'Internet Wrestling Feuds” which told me that I couldn't do what I said I would. You want to play by some moral codes, go right ahead. I'll play it my way and keep things interesting. Personally, I just think he was pissed that I misspelled his name. Like anyone else noticed. Well, that was SORT of a shot... but not against anyone known. So it doesn't matter. Finally, since I came back, two people whom I 'discussed” here in this column responded by talking about how THEY get paid and I DON'T. Well, I DID get paid by SCOOPS, but I left because I wanted to keep doing what I do in the style I wanted. How does that make them 'superior”? I had the balls to leave the mighty SCOOPS and go elsewhere. I know, SCOOPS was shoving me out anyway, but I could have easily dropped the Mop-Up and get paid nicely for a weekly 'And Another Thing”. I left because I had pride in this mess, and if I continue to help ScoopThis grow and thrive, I'm sure I'll be rewarded in due time. So don't throw money up in my face. You guys just look foolish doing so. Really, I know I'm not the most suave writer on the Net, but to brag about how much MONEY you get is just tacky, man. Even when I was getting paid, I never bragged about it. I barely mentioned it other than in a self effacing sense. Zimmerman is one of the only reasons to go to Wrestleline, and to this DAY I don't know if he gets paid. THAT'S the way it SHOULD be. One last thought. If someone makes apparently GOOD money writing for a web site, PLUS runs a web site that is, in his words, 'VERY successful”, don't you think that someone would want to do something ALL 23 year olds do, and move out of Mom and Dad's house? Something doesn't mesh here. Something smells a bit like Bullsh*t. But, who am I to ask? This is a FEUD FREE column! Starting right... NOW! RAW IS WAR: (Or: He survives Foley twice, but gets knocked out by a 53 year old man?) -'Cover Me”, and exciting new show from USA about a family of FBI agents who go under cover, solve crimes, yet manage to have a REAL life. Call it 'Donnie Brasco” without Johnny Depp, without Al Pacino, but with a cute high school girl pretty enough to make the boys watch each show with their pants down around their ankles. Also call it retarded. -Of course, it's based on a TRUE life of an FBI family. 'Now Junior, you can help your Father and I apprehend the Colombian Drug Lord with 3 Nuclear warheads AFTER you do your homework!” -WWF leads the World in TV Guide feature stories written by Phil Mushnick. (Who is dead on balls RIGHT, by the way) -Last Thursday, the Rock had a rough Smackdown. Never fear, I heard he gave up jobbing for Lent. -Opening theme. 'RAW IS WAR WILL *garble garble* IN YOUR EYE!!!!” -Fireworks a'plenty, looks like Charlie Sheen fell asleep on sentry duty again. The VC is EVERYWHERE MAN!!! -Ross tells us that they are in 'Joisey”. At the Continental Airlines Arena... although I don't see one friggin' airplane! (BWAHAHA... I love that joke) -Jim Ross says that Wrestlemania is 3 weeks away. Not enough time for people to save their money after blowing $30 on Uncensored tho'. Too bad, it looked like a peachy keen show. WCW wins again. -HHH and Stephanie come out to kick things off. Any chance this segment will end before the ten minute match? -Ross said Smackdown was filled with handicapped matches. I heard that Chris Reeve/Richard Pryor 'Superman III Part 2 Wheelchair Death Joust” was a real hoot. Scherer tastelessly gave it 'two spokes up”. (Kidding, I'M KIDDING!! It's a Feud Free Week here at the Mop-Up) -So, the kids hit the ring. Stephanie's face seemed a bit shinier than usual. Wonder who...I mean WHAT she's been up to? -Stephanie got on the mic and said, 'Hulloooooo?” in that Disenchanted Generation X tone. Cueing the sound guy to get his ass moving maybe? -I guess so, because Shane McMahon and the Big Show came out IMMEDIATELY following. Good girl, let's get this crap GOING kid. -Everyone's in the ring. Shane took things over first, and was greeted by a chant of 'A$$HOLE”. He rode it out, then said that tonight was a celebration. Not JUST because he and his Sister managed to put their differences aside until Wrestlemania, but because they all banned together to make 'The People's Champ” into 'The People's Chump” -They showed clips from 'Smackdown” where the Rock got his ass whupped, 'like a Government Mule”, as Ross would say. I wonder if Ross thinks the Rock should have gotten 40 acres too? Backwards thinking , jackoff! -Shane was particularly excited with the sight of Rocky getting a '3D”, 'THREE DEE, THREE DEE, THREE DEE!! GIVEITUPONETIMETHEDUDLEY'SGOINGCRAZY!!!!!” Well, he's better than Joey Styles. -Dude, Mark Madden's better than Joey Styles. Styles sucks. -'Oh my gawd”. He's got 50 ways of saying it. He's got 0 ways of saying any of the other zillion phrases out there. -Shane then showed us how the Rock's evening ended up getting his ass handed to him with a lead pipe. Hey kids, The Rock says you TOO can survive getting hit with a lead pipe!!! Go hit Dad in the head with it and watch him sell the move like a real pro! -HHH grabbed the mic and said that all the Rock had to do was walk away, but he kept coming back and sticking his nose in someone else's beezwax. -HHH said that as always, the Rock found himself in a position he usually finds himself, late at night, alone in his hotel room, basically, he beat himself! (Haw... funny shot from the big nose) -TBS enjoyed it immensely. -HHH figured out that humiliating the Rock is what usually works with him (AMEN BROTHER!!!!! LORD KNOWS HUMILIATING OTHERS IS HOW I GOT MY...MY....whooa, whoa...Feud Free column, Feud Free column), so they plan on continuing to humiliate him every day until Wrestlemania!! -Stephanie got on the mic and introduced the Rock's opponents for Wrestlemania. -Ross, 'In the main event? that's what everybody wants!!!” (Well, what about that underground movement, Project 'KEEP TBS IN THE WM MAIN EVENT”?? They have compiled a Petition of over 4 names already!) Stephanie, 'No, not in the main event!” (Ah Ross, the good guys NEVER win, do they?) -No, Stephanie has scheduled the Rock to work a Handicapped match for Wrestlemania, against the BIGGEST TAG TEAM TO EVER ENTER THE WORLD WRESTLING FEDERATION!!!!!! THE TWIN TOWERS!!!!! -My God... THE BIG BOSSMAN AND AKEEM THE AFRICAN DREAM ARE BACK!!!!!! HOLY CRAP!!! THE ONE MAN GANG HAS ONCE AGAIN, DISCOVERED HIS BLACK HERITAGE!!!!!!!!! SALAM MALEKUM (sp??) AKEEM, MY BROTHER!!! -Two guys came out. Two midgets. Lawler, no stranger to bad puns, went to work. -That theme music. Carnival music, very, very offensive. Why, after I win a few bucks tossing that little guy across a bar, I'll take him to a Lawyer and help sue their asses! -He had one of the Dwarfs do the 'People's Eyebrow”. Wrong brow. -Shane decided to make this a handicapped Tuxedo match. HHH said it would be tough to get them Tuxedos. HHH suggested an Evening Gown Match. -TBS got on the stick and asked for '2 out of 3 falls”, then laughed like a loon. Shane looked him over and muttered, 'Is your contract UP yet?” -HHH suggested a 'Midget on a Pole” Match. Thank God Madden doesn't work there, or a BBQ would be thrown in. -Having heard enough of this, the Rock came out. I hear that Ray Charles turned around and said, 'If any one of you mother fu***s put a shirt like that on me, I'll use your Small intestines as piano wire!” Unfortunately, Ray turned around too far and was talking to his toilet bowl. -The Rock was a busy man, so he made this quick. He offered his still way too early career in exchange for the WM title shot in a match with the Big Show. Well, he said a LOT of stuff, but it wasn't peppered with all those nifty catchphrases. -Of course, they agreed. Shane did the talking. -The Rock had more, he insisted on NO interference, no 'candy asses at ringside” (He is NO role model!! 'Candy Asses”, what a foul fu**ing thing to say! He should keep his co**suc*ing mouth shut before someone drives their motherfu**ing foot down his throat!) -The Rock wins EVERYTHING if there IS interference. -They talked it over. HHH called him an idiot, failing to see why he would put everything on the line like that, but the Rock has got himself a deal. -The Rock said that he's doing this because he does NOT have a Shane McMahon in his corner, nor does he have a Stephanie McSwallow in his corner... no, he has in his corner, my Grandmother (WHAT??? GRANDMA?? I THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD??? WHO WAS THAT CORPSE I BOFFED IN THE FUNERAL PARLOR????) -Did I use that joke already? I'm getting a MAJOR deja vu vibe going here. -And why am I using the word 'boffed” all of the sudden? -The segment ends just like that. Ross says not to flip over to that retard show during these staggering set of... -commercials -The Hardy Boyz came out. They use 'Boyz” because it keeps them in touch with their Compton roots. -Backstage, Al Snow pitches a Time Traveling, Crime Fighting show to his partner Steve Blackman. (With Dean Stockwell as 'Al”?) -Of course, Blackman told Snow to go eat sh*t, and walked off. Abe Lincoln stepped out of the closest (FAG!! HONEST ABE WASN'T ALL THAT TRUTHFULL, I GUESS). Snow told him to leave his headshot with the casting agent and take off. -Blackman and Snow came out. These four boys wasted no time. -It went around and around. Ross kept on about how the Rock is too damn young to be putting his career on the line. Good Lord King, the boy's only 27! I've got steak chunks in my teeth older than that! -27, 27, that's all we heard. Unfortunately, Ross also pretty much proved why the idea of the Rock's autobiography made about as much sense as...as...oh you figure something out, then go on Delphi and talk about how you don't 'get” my popularity. (trust me, I don't get it either) -This match was off. Snow was fine, Blackman tried, but the Boyz seemed a little... off, (as I once again prove my mastery over the English language). -Case in point, Blackman hit Jeff with that top rope boot to the chest. Then stood up and pumped his fists 'YES!!” -Meanwhile, Matt leapt to the top rope and went for the German Moonsault Enzeguri High Flying Dragon Fly Wheely thing (F-You AND THE HORSE YOU RODE IN ON!!!!!) -Problem was, Blackman was either off his mark, or Matt beared left when he should have went right. Because he missed completely and landed on his face. Blackman looked at him and said, 'Oh fu** me”. Then picked the kid up, whispered FURIOUSLY in his ear, then allowed himself to be small packaged for the win. Nice save, but Blackman's been at this too long for such rookie mistakes. -backstage. Kurt Angle was telling someone that he was something. Angle is a great heel. better yet, he is a CLASSIC Heel. WCW needs more Heels like this. Someone you like, but you still want to see him get tuned on. Jarrett is good like that, but that's almost all they got. -commercials -Backstage, Mark Henry wheels Mae Young into camera range and tells her to keep her ass THERE!!! HE'LL TAKE CARE OF THOSE DAMN DUDLEYS ONCE AND FOR ALL!!!! (not bloody likely, Mark never did light the world on fire, now did he? I mean, he has come a long way from the days when he would bop Lawler over the head 5 times then lay on top of him, but come on.) Moolah was there, and she said she'll keep the old fart tittie deep in Geritol while they wait for him. -The Dudleys come out. Gosh DARN I like these guys!! -That's for you anal retentive old biddies who say I'm too 'vulgar”...F-You -Mark Henry ran out and it was on! It's a handicapped match! -Young and Moolah were watching this. Moolah said that she had to go 'powder her nose” (ah, so she's a coke fiend! That explains her... her... actually, it doesn't explain diddly squish?) -Henry was tossing the Damn Doodys around. Then Buh Buh hit him from behind, then took off. D-Von stayed to take care of business. I say Buh Buh was nervous... what if D-Von got all... you know what, I'd rather NOT go there and save myself a LOT of trouble. -Buh Buh found Mae and wheeled her backstage. Mae was all, 'Where are you taking me? WHERE ARE YOU TAKING ME???” Buh Buh told her to relax and enjoy the ride, 'because it'll be the last ride you ever take!!!” Then he cackled, 'Muhahahahahahaaa”!! Then he twirled his mustache. My God!! HE'S GONNA TIE HER TO THE RAILROAD TRACKS!!! WILL MIGHTY MOUSE MAKE IT IN TIME???? -Well come on, he did read his lines HORRIBLY. -Ross demanded that someone help her, you will note that Ross wasn't exactly moving Heaven and Earth to save her himself. -Buh Buh showed up at ringside with her. Ross, 'Leave her alone, Damn you!!!” (Who is WRITING this crap?? Stan Lee?) -The Dudleys pretty much won, but didn't pin him. Instead, they collected their belts and walked away. Taking Mae with them. (Oh, nice sentence structure there Hyatte. Way to act like a professional) -The Dudleys took her to the top of the ramp. Buh Buh stared down. Then STOPPED D-Von from sending her over. Ross thanked God AND Allah. -Buh Buh had D-Von lift Mae so her crotch was in Buh Buh's face again (smells like kelp). Buh Buh powerbombed her down into a padded table arrangement. Obviously, it was pretty safe, but it still looked good. -Ross screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!!! WHY??? Then called Allah a 'shithead”. -Am I crazy or does Buh Buh look like Tom Green when he goes in that trance? -Ross declared that Mae Young was 'hurt” (brilliant), then asked 'Why, for God's sakes, tell me why?”. (Well, obviously so Tonya Harding would have a free ride to the Olympics! Duh!) -commercials -footage of what happened, quite a few times. -Mae was being loaded in the Ambulance. Ross said Henry was 'absolutely beside himself” (Huh? What is he? Accessing the Speed Force?) -Kurt Angle came out and said that Chris Jericho and Tazz did NOT have him beaten last week. It was just Bob Backlund interrupting a string of successful wins. Then he talked up Bob Backlund, rightfully so. -Angle then said that New Jersey is in 'dire need of a hero”, and no, Bon Jovi does NOT count. (I can't imagine ANYONE, in this New Century, looking at Jon Bon Jovi as a 'hero”! I mean sure, I listened to 'Bad Medicine”, and 'You Give Love A Bad Name” ad naseum. And I wept like a pussy each and every time I heard 'Wanted Dead or Alive”... and I got three knuckles up a chick's pudding during their 'Slippery When Wet” concert, (she was being trampled at the time... I was trying to help her get up) but a HERO? Uh uh, no way Jose! -That's right... I cried. Because I'M A COWBOY!!! ON A STEEL HORSE I RIDE!! I'M WANTED, wannnteeed, DEAD OR ALIVE!!! WANTED waaannnteeeed DEAD OR ALIIIIIIIVE AND I WALK THESE STREETS... WITH A SIX STRING ON MY BACK, I PLAY FOR KEEPS, BECAUSE I MIGHT NOT MAKE IT BACK!!! I'VE BEEN EVERYWHERE ohhh yeeeaaaaah STILL I'M STANDING TALL!!! I'VE SEEN A MILLION FACES...AND I'VE ROCKED THEM ALL!!!!!! -excuse me..*sniff sniff* I... I... I have something in my eye. BRB - - - -Okay...I'm back. SHUT UP!!! I AIN'T CRYING!!! I AINT NO PUSSY!! WRONG COLUMN! -For God's sakes. -Just don't play Journey's 'Open Arms”, or I'll be curled in a fetal position with one thumb in my mouth and the other up my ass. -So, Kurt Angle elected himself New Jersey's honorary 'Hometown hero”. Ross asked what about Springsteen (has been). I ask, what about Tony Soprano? Because EVERYBODY KNOWS, TONY'S DA' MAN!! BOOYAAA MUTHAFU**AAAA -Jericho's ticker. -Explosion. -Theme. There he is. He has a mic too. But first he has to have a long conversation with several people in the building. -Jericho welcomed us to the show. Then he hinted that he and Bob Backlund might be a pair of seat shooters. The he said that Angle and Backlund both represent the three 'I”s. They are both, 'Idiots”, 'Imbecile”, and an 'Ignoramus”. -Then he called Angle, 'Jerky”. I can't wait for the day he unloads and calls someone 'Sizzle Chest” -Tazz came out with a mic of his own. YEAH!!! TAZZ IS GONNA TALK NOW!!!! TIME TO SWEAR, AND CUSS, AND SCARE THE PISS OUT OF EVERYONE!!! -Tazz says that this'll be a No DQ match. Then he threw the mic down. Damn. -No DQ, does that mean Tazz is gonna wiggle his pecker at everyone? -By the way, Ross called Tazz the 'Human Wrecking Machine”. Word is that since Austin ain't gonna be taking a single suplex ever again in his life, Tazz better haul ass and develop some more moves if he's gonna be jobbing to main eventers. -Be warned, Austin ain't selling no more bodyslams either -Clothesline him and your ass is fired too. -Just sit there, take a Stone Cold Stunner, and thank God you ain't putting over The Artist in Sullivan's regime, okay? -The bell rang. They all went at it. -They should give Tazz the 'F-This World” belt and let him stomp around all pissed. It's what he's best at. -Tazz tried to suplex Angle off the top rope, Jericho caught them and gave Tazz a second rope German Suplex... yes, a REAL German suplex. -This was for the Euro belt. Go figure. -Tazz flipped Angle head over feet. -Jericho went for the Springboard Moonsault on Angle. Tazz broke it up. -Tazz choked Angle. Bob Backlund ran in. Tazz choked him. -Angle threw Tazz out, Jericho put the Walls of His Namesake on Angle. Backlund got back into it. -Chyna ran in and crotched Bobby. Backlund went down. -Jericho with a Snap Missile dropkick which sent Tazz out again. -Angle hit Jericho with the belt and scored the pin. -Chyna stood around in shock. Since when does her hair reach all the way down to her butt crack? So do the tips of her hair smell like poop now? -That is the third time I used that joke in this column's life... AND IT WON'T BE THE LAST!!!!!!! BOOOOOOYAAAAAAA -One final note/request/plead... GIVE BACKLUND A MICROPHONE FOR A GOOD 5 MINUTES PLEASE!!!!!!!!! -Backstage, HHH, Road Dog, Waltman, Torrie, and Stephanie were all discussing how they were going to sell yet ANOTHER variation of the DX/Too Cool (w/Rikishi) war. -commercials -Kevin Kelly talks to Ivory. Ivory ups the main event ante and says that if the Rock loses, she will take off ALL her makeup on live TV. (God no... DAMMIT ROCKY!!!!!! NOW YOU HAVE TO WIN!!!!) -DX came out to their traditional theme. Unless I'm mistaken, this should be the halfway point of the show. -Nice to see HHH work with the boys in a mid card bout. Kinda has a 'slumming” feel doesn't it? -Too Cool came out with Rikishi. Ross asked Lawler if he would swallow his pride and work a Wrestlemania match against two midgets and look like a total fool? You could almost HEAR Lawler blink at Ross dumbfoundedly (I think I just made that word up?). After saying that he thinks he DID work a WM against two midgets, Ross became noticeably speechless. Way to do the research Jimbo. Way to embarrass your partner! -Ross tried to rebound by saying, Well, at least it wasn't a Feet Kissing match with the two midgets. Lawler almost popped him in the face. -Lawler and Ross admitted that HHH and Rikishi had shared the grossest homosexual moment of them all. -The match started. Grandmaster Sexay made a good showing against X-Pac -Road Dog and Scott Taylor went at it. Doggy soon found himself in the corner staring at a piece of ass. He went through the trapdoor and got out of there. -He tagged X-Pac. Not the smartest choice. -Rikishi ended up cleaning house. But HHH hit that 'Drop the Face Against the Knee” trick, which was quickly followed up with an X-Pac Spin Kick. Smooth teamwork there. -Scott 2 Hotty was in. He gave Road Dog the Flying One Handed Bulldog, then looked around. That's all it took. -He did the Worm. Ross said he tried that in his back yard yesterday. It took the Jaws of Life to get him out of the embedded ground. -Scotty didn't finish the sequence, instead he knocked down HHH and Paccy. The crowd booed. Get a CLUE, people. -Christopher with his Flying Legdrop. -X-Pac with the Impactor on Christopher -Rikishi with the belly to belly on HHH. -HHH took it in the seat. Or words to that effect. -Rikishi climbed up, but X-Pac hit him with the ring bell. -HHH pinned Rikishi. DX won. -Bloody good show, luv. -backstage, the Big Bossman was ready. -So was Kane. But not before stopping the Rock and wishing him luck. Would it kill Rocky to say 'Thank You” one time? -commercials -Kane came out withOUT Paul Bearer... NOW we hit the second hour. -The Big Bossman came out. -Kane won with the Chokeslam. If you truly care about every single detail of the Big Bossman's job out tonight, write to me at Staff@scoopwrestling.com and I will issue a full apology. Just be sure to refer to me as either 'Remy”, or 'Barbara”. -Michael Cole asked The Godfather who will win tonight. The GF said, 'F-that Sh** man, I'm getting me some white woman!!” Then walked off with two babes on his arm. -commercials. The future of Animation will be 'Anime”. If you're prone to seizures, maybe you'd best pick up a good book for once. -footage of the Mae Young thing again. -Cole had Moolah backstage. Moolah shocked EVERYONE by saying, 'The Bitch got what she deserved!” Then she ranted about how Moolah BROUGHT that old fossil into the WWF and how SHE made her a star, and quite frankly, she's a little sick and tired of Mae's attention getting. -Y'know, she's right. I never HEARD of this chick before she came to Titan. Who SAYS she used to be a worker? Where's the proof? Who says she's 80 either? She could just be a 45 year old lush? You know how old longtime Boozehounds start to look? It's plausible! It's possible!! -Essa Rios came out with Lita. Being the Master Linguist, I can tell you that 'Essa Rios” is Spanish for 'Real Easy”, and of course 'Lita” is Spanish for 'Liter”. Even Mexicans employ the Metric System!! JIMMY CARTER WAS ONTO SOMETHING!!!! -Y'know, if Vince gave one good, solid crap about these lightweights, Essa would be a real stud here. -Dean Malenko came out with Eddie Guerrero. Ross says that Eddie's faking his injury now. If he starts wearing that cast made from the same material as Wiffle balls like Cowboy Ace Orton did for the last 25 years of is career, I'm gonna....I'm gonna....oh I'm not gonna do a damn thing but sit here and accept it, like I accept every other frickin' thing in my life. -Let's see if they give Malenko time to work this kid hard? -They did one of those pinning combination things that only Zimmerman covers step by tedious step. An article of clothing fell off one of them. Dear Lord..It's a shoot now!!!! -Things moved slowly. More of a clinic. One chant of 'BORING” and Vince will melt this friggin' title into a dog dish. DON'T BLOW IT FOR US, PEOPLE!!!! -Jeeze... this is a slow match. BO-RING, BO-RING! -Ross commented that Essa seems a bit 'disoriented”. I think he's still trying to figure how Malenko gets to pass himself off as a lightweight. (Mucho gordo) -Malenko ties for the top rope Atomic Backdrop, Essa throws him off. Malenko gets back up. Rios backflips to the ground. Rollup Pin, Malenko kicks out. -Another rollup, Malenko kicks out. Essa flies into Eddie and knocks him off the apron. -Lita tries a flying Hurricarana. Eddie catches her and powerbombs her HARD on the mat. I don't condone physical violence towards women (*cough*) but DAMMIT, EDDIE ROCKS!!!!!!!!!!!! -Essa goes for the Victory Rollup, Malenko drops him down and wraps him up. He gets the pin and the win, AND the Lightweight title. I, like the rest of the audience, officially say, 'Damn! Who'da thought HE'D be the first to get a strap?” -Backstage, Terri is wrapping up her business with the Acolytes, then runs into Midean, who is sporting an ice bucket filled with beer. The Beer is warm. Midean promises to go get some 'colder ice”. I hope you all got the joke there... and if you did, could ya' maybe explain it to me? -commercials -shot of the beautiful skyline of... wherever they are. -Jayson Williams, perhaps the most entertaining pro basketball player since Barkley retired, is in the crowd, having a blast. -The Edge and Hebrew...I mean Christian come out. Terri comes out too. -The Acolytes come out with Midean. As far as roles in the company, this is probably the best possible position for Midean. -The Acolytes went right after them, as they are wont to do. -Lawler wants Terri to come over there. He claims to be a member of the FBI... I don't feel like explaining. I'm sure you watched it yourselves. -The Acolytes just worked these kids OVER, man. Terri worked the crowd over too. -I just noticed the sign that read, 'SCOOB”. It's not 'SCOOB”, it's SCOOPS... and it's NOT SCOOPS, it's ScoopThis! -Midean tried to interfere, of course. But he was Speared. -BUT, that led Edge into one of Bradshaw's killer clotheslines, (in his PRIME, only Nikita Koloff's were worse) which secured the pin. Terri walked away with her fingers on her head. -Then the Acolytes shoved Midean into the arguing Brothers. Midean took a little beatdown. Is there a team that is out and out COOLER than the Acolytes? -Chyna will be on '3rd rock from the Sun” yesterday. They show a clip. -You forget how HUGE Chyna is when she's next to 'normal” people. Man, I bet even her Vag can squat at least 250. -commercials -Backstage, TBS and Shane were relaxed about what's coming up. -Earlier today, the Mean Street Posse AND Prince Albert attacked Crash Holly in an Airport. (Ironically enough, the Airport is named 'The New Jersey Sports Arena”). After a brief melee, Pete Gass pinned Crash and won the Hardcore belt... -BUT... Crash hit Gass with his scale and won the damn thing right back. Then Crash grabbed his luggage and took off down the Luggage Conveyer Belt. Good for a laugh. -Cole talked to Shane and TBS. Shane said the total and complete opposite of 'The Rock's gonna win and win HUGE. TBS is so DEAD!” -commercials -The Headbangers told Cole that either the Rock or the Big Show will either win or lose, who the Hell pays attention to the Headbangers anymore? -Val Venis came out. Obviously wondering, 'What happened? two months ago, it was me, D-Lo, Test, and Jericho? Now that F-ing Sullivan stages an F-ing coup and I gotta deal with all these WCW douchebags?” -Test came out. Probably thinking the same exact thing, except that he had the added bonus of being in a main event love story angle too. -Saturn and Benoit came out. If Test and Val land a few stiff shots... DON'T BE TOO SHOCKED!!! -Lawler discussed something called, 'the Benoit Ball”... nope, lost me. I'm sure it's an inside shot that I should have known, but Al ain't taking my calls right at the moment. -Ross, 'What makes the ‘Benoit Ball' so unique?” -Lawler, (laughing), 'Well, I'm not sure.” -Lawler, 'Maybe that's a better question for Val Venis?” -Nope... I'm lost -I think Saturn was going for a Powerbomb, then either A: lost his grip, B: Remembered that Val's neck is just recently healed, or C: Val ain't selling jack crap! (C!! IT'S C!!! VAL'S MADDER THAN HELL AND WE'RE SHOOTING FROM HERE ON OUT!!!!!!!!!!) -Eddie lurked out. The man just has STYLE!!! -Venis, meanwhile, is getting his hand assed to him. -Venis almost tagged test, but Benoit plowed right into him. Benoit does EVERYTHING with such gusto. That's his secret. -Test was tagged in. Booted some air right into Saturn's face. Ross marveled at the connection. -Venis takes out Saturn with a cross body that sent them both over the top. -Benoit gets behind Test and shoves him to the ropes. Eddie clocks him. Benoit flips him back with a Drerman Suplex (eat me) and Bridges up for the pin. Later, Venis was seen running to Vince's office and screaming, 'Lita, Terri, Moolah, Patterson!! Hook me up man, I NEED ANOTHER BITCH TO WORSHIP ME!!!!” -Backstage, TBS is ready to send the Rock home for good. -Backstage, reverse everything -commercials -Shane McMahon comes out. He tossed out the Ref and assumed the job himself. He so smart! -TBS came out. -The other guy came out. -It's on. -They fight up the ramp, Rocky fights out of a bodyslam attempt and hits the Russian Legsweep. -It goes over the railing. -It goes over the railing again. -HHH and Stephanie were enjoying this. -TBS with a chair. Rock ducks. -TBS is laid out on the Announce table. -He chugs Ross' water and spits it in his face. Paranoid Ross never touched that water again. -The Rock ate the ring steps. -Back in the ring, BIG Elbow by the BIG Show -Back outside again, back on the Announce table. -TBS Elbows the Announce Table. Ross says it was the Rock's face. -Back in the ring, Rocky kicks out of a pin. Later, he eats a boot. -Legdrop on the Rock. Rocky kicks out of a fast count. -Rocky fights back, TBS hits a sidewalk slam. -Chokeslam attempt. Rock kicks him in the nuts. -TBS fights, ends up clotheslining Shane out of the ring. -Spinebuster on TBS. People's Elbow. -Pin attempt. Hebner runs in. Shane drags him out. -Shane chairs the Rock. Ross calls him a 'son of a bitch”... but it could be a residual anger towards the Rock for scarfing his water. I'll get Scherer on it, pronto. -Ev3eryone's knocked out. Shane's moving to handle things. -A Limo pulls up. Ross wonders what fresh new Hell is this? -Out steps VINCENT K (IT'S ABOUT F-ING TIME) MCMAHON!!! -HHH and Stephanie haul ass to go meet him. -Shane is stunned, shocked, aghast. -Vince is walking towards the ring. HHH runs up to him. Vince CRANKS him right in the mush. HHH goes down and stays down (oh yeah... RIGHT!! PUUU-LEAZE) -The music starts. Vince is out. The crowd is absolutely nuts. Ross swallows his tongue, but pukes it right back up within a nanosecond. -Vince marches to the ring and knocks out Shane (okay, I buy that) -Vince picks up a chair and beans Shane. -Vince rips off Shane's Ref shirt and puts it on. -Rocky hits the Rock Bottom. Vince makes the count. The Rock wins. -Vince walks away, Rocky mounts the second ropes and stares at Vince. -The show ends the way EVERY show should end, dammit. You realize how late I am? Pretty F-ing late. So I'll just say, go read the Nitro recap, or don't. I can handle it either way, but ScoopThis would like the hits, or whatever the proper terminology is.