Raw Mop Up ... by Chris Hyatte

Raw 3/16/98 Oh Yeah! I mean YEAH....HAPPY SAINT PATRICK'S DAY YOU FINE PEOPLE!!!!!!!!!!! I am Chris and yes...I have been "tasting the grape" as it were...and I plan to keep on tasting all night long....WHOOOOOOOO! Anywhoo, let's get to it...no time for dilly dallying around kids. Let's rock, let's roll, let's stumble, let's stroll. Pop a can, open a new bottle, break the seal...let us celebrate this fine holiday in style.....(well, it's not a holiday TECHNICALLY......BUT IT SHOULD BE DAMMIT!) RAW IS WAR (or CATFIGHT, CATFIGHT, YEAH!!!) - opening theme - Fireworks and signs.....a whole lotta signs. We are in Phoenix Arizona tonight. Some gracious man has a sign that wishes us all a Happy St Patties Day....I'll drink to that laddy! Hang on. - Ken Shamrock comes out in street gear....Even though he is an Italian...it's a nice touch to have someone named "Shamrock" to open up the St. Patty show. - Kevin (Man of 3 chins....none of them can take a punch) Kelly asks Kenny to go discuss his current problems with the Nation of Mastur......err, I mean DOMINation, as well as discuss his famous temper. Shamrock discusses none of that, and instead goes through the usual rhetoric about how Wrestlemania will see a new IC champion....yadda yadda yadaa and... - The Rock comes out with the NOD. After tickling me pink by telling Shamrock to "shut up" and to "know your role", as well as calling him the ever popular "jabronie"; Rocko said that if Shamrock could last two minutes with a member of the NOD, then he could have a title shot right then and right now!!!! Shamrock accepted the offer....so the Rock sent D-Lo to knock Shamrock's "Lucky Charms" around. D-Lo didn't seem to thrilled with the prospect...but he went to do it. - That old potty mouth Shamrock had enough time to say two words that were BLEEPED off the air before D-Lo attacked. The WWF folks were nice enough to keep us appraised of the time by posting a big countdown on the TitanTron....awfully fast too.....almost like this was all pre-planned???? Naaaahhhh - Well, that Ol' Shamrock had the luck o' the Irish with him, 'cause he had Dealie-O wrapped up in the Ankle Twisty thingy with about 10 seconds left....Rocky comes up from behind and LEVELS him with a chair across the back. Shamrock shows that he has been taking lessons from Bischoff as to how to go down by pausing for a few seconds before crashing. - Eventually, Shamrock rolled over and got on his knees. He faced Rocky and told him to hit him with the chair again....the Rock obliged..... - THWAPPP...A MONSTER shot in the face!!! It was amazing! - Faarooq didn't think so, he grabbed the chair away from Maivia and yelled at him for being so brutal....(Coming from a man who kicked Ahmed Johnson's kidneys in? Sheesh). The NOD left and Shamrock stumbled around the ring with some blood dripping from his head...which is pretty much like just about everyone right around last call tonight.....WHY AM I HERE? I SHOULD BE OUT FIGHTING AND IMBIBING.....IMBIBING AND FIGHTING!!!!! Blessed Lord...the things I do for you people. - commercials - A replay of what just happened....I think someone forgot that NITRO wasn't on tonight...they have our complete attention. - Kevin Kelly was backstage, watching a dazed Shamrock being loaded on a gurney....Geeze....is this coincidence that Shamrock looks so drunk on St. Patties Day? Knowing McMahon's penchant for sick humor...it wouldn't surprise me if this was the intention. - Jim Ross and Michael Kole sets us up for the night. - Either Sable is coming out...or I'm reeeal blurry and my girlfriend just walked in the room. - nope..it's Sable...(sigh)...looking like Bischoff just rejected her NITRO GIRL tryout. She gets in the ring, and immediately called Luna a "bitch"...much to the Arizona fans delight (they don't get out of the house much). She went on to challenge Luny to a match later tonight. She leaves the ring. - MY GOD IN HEAVEN ABOVE????? STING JUST CAME DOWN ON A ROPE FROM THE RAFTERS!!!!!!!! BISCHOFF IS GOING TO BE PISSED!!!!!!! - ohh, wait a second...it's not Sting...it's a guy in a gorilla costume. It's the mascot of the Phoenix Suns basketball team....but I bet it Sting under that MASK!?!?!? He does a little acrobat act, then takes a seat next to Jim Ross. He puts on a headset...and immediately starts to plug tonight's main event...even going so far as to call it the BEST RAW EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MY GOD!!! IT'S NOT STING, IT'S SCHIAVONE!!!!!! NONONONONONOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! - God's honest truth...the monkey didn't say a word...which makes him MUCH better than Schiavone anyway. - Meanwhile, Tom Brandi was in the ring..looking upset (Mr. Sincere is WAAAY above such nonsense!) Also in the ring, Tennessee Lee (doesn't he fit in the WWF like a glove?) introduces Elvis Presley......that's right..Elvis is ALIVE, and just signed a 3 year deal with Vince!!! - Oh, of course not....but Double J came down....AND HE WAS RIDING JENNY MCCARTHY!!!! WHOOOA! - Actually, he was riding a horse....but it took me a second to tell the difference. Jarrett, the great sellout himself, really made short work of Brandi (the WRESTLER...not MOESHA). He figured four his ass right back to Sicily (GO BACK THERE YOU GREASE MONKEY..TONIGHT THE IRISH RIDE HIGH!!!!) - Backstage with Kevin Kelly...Shamrock was seen being wheeled away to a hospital (an ambulance would get him there quicker). The Rock came out and bragged about what he just did...then told Kelly to "know his role"...(maybe it was the other way around...I'm not sure). - The Lawrence Taylor saga is used as a Wrestlemania Millenium Moment. - commercials - They showed a looooooooooooooooooooooooooooooong video montage/collage/homage/free-of-charge of Shawn Michaels, Austin and Michaels, and Wrestlemania in general...these things usually kick bloody arse...but this was a bit too long. How long? I went through three beers during the segment...(ok, ok..I shotgunned one of them). - commercials - You know how monkeys like to throw their poopy at each other? Well the Phoenix Suns' gorilla took it one step further and was using a slingshot. - Jim Cornette and the Rock ~n~ Roll Express came to the ring for a Handicap match against the Headbangers. If Cornette gets in there..this should be fun. - It wasn't. The 'bangers beat them without any Cornette action at all. But.... - ........................................................................... ......................... - ............................the suspense is killing you..ain't it?........... - Bob Holly and Bart Gunn made their DRAMATIC RETURN to the WWF by beating on Mosh and Thrash...(y'know...I am "sloshed" and "trashed" right now....BWAHAHAHAHAHAAAA...oh I kill me) - After the beating, Cornette took the mic and said that after years of listening to the fans, he has finally brought back the "younger, faster, stronger, smarter, (as well as BALDER) Midnight Express. You'd better sit down for this...because Bob Holly and Bart Gunn's new names are.... - are you sititng? - Good...BOMBASTIC BOB AND BODACIOUS BART!!!!!! - Suddenly, "Vicious & Delicious" doesn't sound all that bad anymore. - Anywhoo....Cornette then said that the NWA tag belts were still in the hands of a couple of boys in skirts...and too many sweaty manly hands have been touching him lately (umm, Jimmy? Since when is that a problem for you?). He decided that the Rock and Rollers were to blame, so the Midnight Express went on to beat the pants out of Ricky and Robert...(couldn't they beat the shirts back ON them?). Finally, Cornette's crew left. Ricky and Robert were later seen in an Irish bar (is there any other kind tonight? WHOOOOOOOOOOO)...crying in their beers and screaming, "What happened to us? We used to have EVERY 15 year old girl who likes wrestling ((about 3 altogether)) in the palms of our hands??? WE MISS THE 80'S!!!!). Cry on boys....life sucks. - Ross pushes the Hotline....nothing all that important. - commercials - Gennifer Flowers discusses how she can get all the WWF Superstars in the sack...or something dumb like that.....suddenly, I miss Jason Hervey. - That damn Monkey was back...(I haven't heard that since my Honeymoon). He didn't last long when... - Kane came out and did what Kane does. You need me to paint a picture? - What made the spot was Jim Ross's outrage at the whole situation....such phrases as, "HEY NO!!! NOOOO...GOOD GOD!!", "He's a harmless guy making a living as a team mascot....HE'S NOT A WRESTLER DAMMIT!!!!!!!", and of course, "THIS IS NOT FUNNY!!!" God Bless Jimmy O'Ross...I'm slamming one down right now in your name...be right back. - commercials - Some highlights from the first hour. - RAW IS WAR becomes (errrp....excuse me) the WAR ZONE - Right off the bat, Owen Hart comes down with a plastic cast on his ankle. They show the scene from last week when he snapped his ankle.....ouch. - Owen joins the broadcast team...Lawler joined the party too. He promised to be all sorts of ready for that nasty Triple H at Wrestlemania. Just before the cut to the entrance, we see Jim Ross chastice some drunk who stuck his hand in his face...ATTABOYO JIMMY....YOU FLARG THAT HOOLIGAN BY GOD!!! - Chainsaw Funky comes to the ring alone to take on Billy Gunn. We see footage from last week when Billy beated on the Old Fart a bit. Dog & Ass came out together pushing a big dumpster with "Jack's House" painted on the side. The match got going with Road Dog doing some trash talking along the way. - Bad Ass hit Funk with TWO piledrivers in a row, but pulled him up at the two count....you all know what that means.. - Yep, Doggy Style interfered and caused the DQ. Funk rebounded and DDT'ed Bad Ass on his title belt. Next thing you know, Cactus Jack and Chainsaw Charlie tied a rope around Road Dog's feet and HOISTED him up in the air...(apparently, no one saw the winch/pulley thing). As Road Dog swung around, Cactus took the mic and said that since he didn't know how to get him down...Road Dog's "ass better call somebody". Nice table turning here..I believe that I shall toast their ingenuity....Hell...I'll toast them twice....no, make it three times. Ahhhhhhh Yes. - commercials - Luna speaks.....either I am really getting 'faced...or she is the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. Insidently, my lovely girlfriend wants me to tell you that she does NOT sound like Luna....then she went on about giving Sable another makeover tonight....I don't know, I don't care. - Vince McMahon comes out to a CHORUS of boos. Unlike Bischoff, Vince seemed pleased beyond a "heelish" way at the boos....it looked more like he was happy that the fans were into this. - I know I should...I really, really do know that I should go into detail about this...but I won't. I'll just give you the gist. I do this because I don't like where this is going. Vince BELONGS IN THE FRIGGIN' OFFICE...NOT INVOLVED IN A STUPID ANGLE. Why o' F'K'N WHY is he pulling a Bischoff here? - So, the gist is that he doesn't want Steve Austin to be heavyweight champ because Austin is a "Public Relations Nightmare". (oh yeah, Vince also showed his discrimination by saying, "I don't like sign language and I don't like sign language in my face!" MAN..IF THE DEAF COULD HEAR THAT...THEY WOULD BE MIGHTY PEEVED!!!!!!!! but they can't hear...so HA!). He also said that if he did take Austin up on his invitation last week..then Austin would have gotten a broken jaw..(oh I bet that Bischoff is LOVING this!!!!!! I'm surprised that Vince didn't say, "Bite Me"). - In the end of this long segment, Vince totally made me sick by saying he doesn't just say "no" to Austin being world champ...it's "AW HEEEELL NO!!"..then added "That's the bottom line, because Vince McMahon says so!" He even said that last part with a smirk. - Okay, I hate it because: IT'S BISCHOFF MODE ALL THE WAY....MY GOD..NOW WE HAVE TWO UNCLES!!!!!!! - I don't mind it because: It sets Austin up as THE face of the professional wrestling world. It's not that Vince is going to cozy up to Shawn Michaels and join DX..it's the OWNER of the WWF saying that he doesn't want Austin as a champ for his federation. Besides. Bischoff practically JUMPED into the spotlight when he saw his chance...Vince took over 2 decades as owner to get into this kind of silliness. There isn't a person out there who REALLY thinks that Vince craves a spotlight...if you do, then you REALLY haven't been paying any attention to this sport. - and finally....Jim Ross mentioned that Austin must be "kicking his TV screen in right now and screaming at this"...nice to see that Good Ol' Jr reads the Mop-Up. - commercials
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