Raw Mop Up ... by Chris Hyatte
Raw 3/16/98...cont'd
- A promo for Pete Rose coming to WM...featuring that craggly voiced sports DJ from Los Angeles who shows up on MTV a lot. (Pete Rose recently got his name back in the news one week after his WM announcement....a bit TOO convenient to be just a lucky break....I smell a set-up).
- They show a couple of guys remixing Tyson's new DX theme, then they show the video...suddenly, I miss Hammer.
- commercials
- a video montage/collage/garbage/my-name-ain't-Marge of Steve Austin....a perfect time for me to go see a man about a horse...then give the liver another work out.
- I should tell you that they used the footage of Austin saying that someone in WCW told him that he couldn't market a guy in black trunks. I should also tell you that Austin said that WCW fired him over the phone while he was in Japan....(after the way he fired Syxx...does anyone doubt that?)
- commercials
- oh man..things are getting dizzy...I better speed this up.
- Triple H came out and challenged Owen to a match right there and then...yes, Owen never left the announcer table..he just didn't say a friggin' word.
- Injury or not.....Owen succumbed to to badmouthing and went after Triple H...for the Euro title. They went at it for a bit..
- Then Chyna came down and whacked Owen's cast with a bat, HHH got him back in the ring and twisted his ankle until he submitted. HHH regained the Euro title, then celebrated as they carried Owen away.
- commercials
- Luna and Goldust came out to jam...
- Sable and Mero came out....everyone held everyone else back. The fans booed as there was no real match.
- There was a brief CATFIGHT (ALRIGHT ALRIGHT..GOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOOOOO). Jim Ross said something I NEVER dreamed I would hear him say...he said, "THERE THEY GO, AND HERE GO THE CLOTHES!" You can imagine why I wouldn't expect that wouldn't you?
- eventually, they stopped exchanging silicone shots and Luna was taken away by Goldust. Sable looked like she hurt her knee and she couldn't get up. Mero tried to help her....but..
- the lights went out, the music started, Jim Ross went all sorts of nuts.
- MOVE OF THE NIGHT.....Mero took one look at Sable, took one look at Kane...and GOT THE HELL OUT OF THERE....SUMBITCH RAN LIKE HOLY HELL!!!! Kane and Bearer were about to show Sable a "really good time" when..
- the lights went out again and the Undertaker's music played.
- Lights went up and the UT was on top of the TitanTron..(you looking for a MY GOD THEY RIP OFF EVERYTHING? Well NO I ain't doing it.... UT was doing this looooooong before Sting even THOUGHT about it...this is his baby all the way).
- UT gave another "Kane will die like a maggot" speech, it was better the first time. The prize here was that another flash of pyro caused a casket at the entranceway to open up...inside, there was a Kane dummy (I know, I know..an oxymoron if there ever was one). Suddenly, the dummy caught on fire and the show ended.
Well, this was noting more than a two hour Wrestlemania Infomercial...but just about every Nitro is an Infomercial for there next "PPV to end all PPVs". This week though, Nitro delivered a MUCH better show. They win the night. Oh yeah, the sign of the night was the one that read, "DROP OUT, GET DRUNK"...HEAR HEAR MY BROTHER...HEAR HEAR!!!! I have TWO mini-closers on tap (nyuck nyuck nyuck) for this week..so let's get to them.
#1: I was surfing the other day and came across a funny joke in some Web Page that I can't really think of right now. It was pretty much hilarious, so I thought I would re-produce it here..then go into some other jokes that I thought of..inspired by the one I found...I hope you like them, as they speak of most Internet folks state of mind concerning this great sport:
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: Because Bischoff sucks
Q: Why is 6 afraid of 7?
A: Because Bischoff sucks
Q: Why did the quick brown fox jump over the lazy dog?
A: Because Bischoff sucks
Q: What's black and white and red all over?
A: A sucky Bischoff
Q: Knock knock Who's there? Orange Orange who?
A: Orange you glad Bischoff sucks?
Q: How many Bischoffs does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Who cares? They all suck.
Closer #2
Lately, the signs on the shows have been HORRID!!! There either unimaginative copies of other signs, unfunny variations of W.W.F, W.C.W, or N.W.O, or (and for God's sake why?) MARRIAGE PROPOSALS!!!!. Well, since I am always striving to help out my fellow fans, I have a few suggestions for signs that you can make and take to any event you wish. They are not dirty, but they aren't usually nice either...but hey..aren't those the best kinds?
Of course....HYATTE FEARS (insert name) always works...just don't put the name Bischoff in there.
Anything with SCOOPS works too.
Where the Hell is Syxx?
Goldberg 3:16 I just stole your gimmick.
DIE BRUTUS DIE
Where is the Booty Man?
Where is the Zodiac?
Who booked this crap? (Nitro only)
Bring Back the Ringmaster?
Rogaine 3:16 I used to have blonde hair
Hey Kane! Bring back Andy Kaufman
I'm getting sleepy.
I need a drink
Bischoff's nose is brown
Aim for Bischoff
What's on RAW tonight? (Nitro only)
Why Bret? Why? (works for both feds..but it's better on Nitro)
Why is Flair jobbing?
Hey Sting? Brandon Lee is pissed!
Where the Hell are the Villanos?
Hey Hulk..It's OVER
Why push Crush?
God bless the Mop-Up!
That'll hold ya! I am SO out of here. Things to see and people to do. Next week, more of the same crap...maybe it'll even be on time!!! Who knows, I have some beer to finish.
This is Hyatte
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