Nitro Mop Up ... by Chris Hyatte
Nitro 3/23/98
Yeah, that's right! I'm Chris and this is the Mop-Up...a catty little ditty that has lately become tougher to find than a woman who hasn't been sexually propositioned by the President.....(Hillary being the exception). It looks like I finally found the reason why the Mop-Up has been so late recently.
It's not me....unless I'm taking a week off (intentional or not), I have always sent the column in on time. Tuesday morning..right around dawn.
It's not the SCOOPS team. Yes, real life hassles sometimes makes for a one day delay of the column. But for the past few weeks..they just haven't been getting the column when I send it....which tells me that..
IT'S THE F'K'N' MICROSOFT NETWORK'S FAULT!!!!!!!!! Go write to them and complain about their lousy e-mail service...and if you see him, go tell Bill Gates to F$%@ OFF, (I would suggest that you throw a pie in his face...but it's been done already)
Alas, we are all just puppets on the great stage of life...so let's just go to a couple of opening notes...
I read the transcripts of Bischoff's interview on "On the Record"....or "Off the Record"...or whatever...(who cares..it's a CANADIAN show for God's sakes). He came off as bad as I expected..but to claim that Hulk Hogan was HULK Hogan before Vince got a hold of him is nothing short of A BIG FAT LIE!!! Terry Boulder/Sterling Golden/Dick Hertz first joined the WWF as a HEEL in the 70's...managed by "Classy" Freddie Blassie. It was the first appearence of Hulk Hogan..and it was thought up by Vince McMahon, (or maybe his father). Either Eric is having selective memory loss...or I know more about the sport than him. A few other things...
1) He claimed that Steve Austin would only be a mid-carder in WCW....Right..it's only because the WWF is so talent shallow that EVERYBODY goes nuts for Austin.
2) Having their own network doesn't make any difference. Let's see...Nitro debuts as an hour show....goes to 2 hours...goes to 7:55 PM..(am I the only one to notice that the early 5 minute start has been extinguished...as soon as RAW moved to 9 PM?). Goes to 3 hours. All the while staying on the air for as long as 30 minutes extra when necessary. Oh yeah..having their own network (so to speak) doesn't make ONE SINGLE DIFFERENCE.
3) You know why he went on the show. It wasn't to expose the "McMahon lies"..(which he really didn't by the way)..it was because Vince refused to acknowledge Bischoff when he talked about WCW..he always referred to the competitior as TED TURNER. Now Eric, no stranger to ego trips...absolutely FREAKED out at that. Ted Turner is just the wallet..HE is the STAR. I'll bet any money that Vince knows this about Uncle Eric (hey, if I can figure it out..anyone can), so he has a field day pushing Eric's buttons. Hey, you have to FU%$ them whenever you can.
By the way...after 35 or so weeks of doing this, I pick two weeks ago to announce that Eric's best ability is keeping his egos happy...now rumors are flying that many WCW stars are eager to get the Hell out of there. If you want a GREAT summary of what's currently giving Eric migrains...go read the Observer...or go to http://www.twc-online.com/herb/hk-index.html. It's Herb's Wrestling Tidbits...a pretty good site. Be prepared though, Herb clearly prefers Japanese wrestling to American..so expect plenty of pessimism and negative reviews of both WCW and WWF. This is the THIRD hot and heavy Flair leaving WCW rumor to come out in recent months...I'm not saying that it's true...but come on..there has to be SOME merit if it keeps coming out. Mid card stars like Benoit, Jericho, Malenko, and Eddie Guerrero would excel in the WWF..these guys LOVE to wrestle and would probably be more willing to go on long road tours than older, more established stars. From Nash's problems with Hogan and a TON of resentment within WCW concerning Brutus Beefcake's immediate zoom to main angle involvement (somewhere..Brian Adams is in a daze, looking around and saying, "What happened? I thought I was Hogan's new sidekick?") I have a weird feeling that a change is in the air.
If you want a copy of last week's Mop-Up...or any copy of any Mop-Up..all you have to do is ask...I have them all.
I was only joking with that Canadian line..so don't getcha shorts in a wedgie.
Okay, it's time to do the deed. It's time to take a good hard look at an overblown, ego saturated, borefest with moments of coolness. Bad outfits, raggy girls, and an endless stream of bad actors who prattle on and on and on and on. That's right..it's time to recap....
THE OSCARS: (or The Old Broad deserved it)
Yes, another year has passed and another round of the OSCARS are upon us. It went something like this..
-Billy Crystal came out and sang the nominations for those five movies. It's an onrunning gag...and pretty amusing. But methinks we would all survive without ever hearing him do it again. Why can't they bring back LETTERMAN??? He'll do a better job this the second time around!!
-Shot of....oh that's right...wrong show...let's move on to that OTHER overblown, ego saturated, borefest with moments of....etc etc etc.
NITRO: (or Oh No Vince..there will be NO pre-Wrestlemania momentum for you this week)
-Right off the bat, Mean Gene Okerlund comes out and he calls out "Rowdy" Roddy Piper....currently working on his "I'll show up once in a while and work a program" contract deal. Gene opens things up by saying, "I know that you have been at home pontificating"...Piper replied, "yeah, I have been a little constipated" I wasn't laughing..it was MUCH too lowbrow for my tastes.....f-you.
-Does anyone remember when Piper was actually FUNNY? What happened? Oh..he wasn't THAT bad tonight..but he is a shadow of his former self...and you all know it. It's like saying the Rolling Stones are no longer the band they were back in the 60's/70's.
-Piper proceeded to win over the Louisville crowd by having sex with a sheep!
-No, no, no. no..he said that he was "born a wildcat"...then talked about baseball...or something.
-The gist here is that Piper (who still is a "consultant" for WCW) laid down some laws. He banned baseball bats in WCW....until the next Pay Per View...where he and the Giant will face Hogan and Nash in a first ever "Bat Match"...(think Ladder match...without the ladders and no title hanging...instead, a BAT will be hanging..and the winner gets to use it). Then for the Hell of it...(and because tonight is the last RAW before Wrestlemania), he decided that Nash is fighting the Giant tonight. Lastly, because of that incident at Halloween Havok (I know you tried to block it out, but remember "Age in the Cage"?) Smoke-my-Piper is going to take on Randy Savage tonight for revenge...that pretty much ended the segment. I must say the Piper/Savage fight has me intriqued.
-Truth is..Piper looked and sounded rested. Possibly his best since Bischoff recruited him.
-Opening theme
-The Nitro Girls welcome us to the show
-Tony shows that he has not yet BEGUN to HYPE. One of his first sentences is...and I quote..."What we have here ladies and gentlemen, is a WORLD CLASS PAY PER VIEW EVENT TONIGHT ON TNT."
-For a change of pace, it is Mike Tenay who boldly screams that tonight's show has GOT to be....THE GREATEST NITRO EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!! (sadly...I am not kidding....he REALLY said it). Remember when Tony was actually GOOD at covering the matches? Suddenly, I miss David Crockett. Meanwhile...Larry Z slipped away from the hype (hopefully, he has some integrity left) to get out of his chair and wave to the crowd. All that overhyping brought us to tonight's first out of the oven set of...
-commercials
-They go to the footage from MTV Live with Diamond Dallas Page. Raven ended up hitting him over the head with a Stop Sign. MTV host Carson Daly...as well as two members of the Foo Fighters, (Dave Grohl and the drummer) run away. You can hear people giggling and laughing as Raven makes an idiot of himself. For the first time EVER..I was embarrassed that I was a wrestling fan. Not only does this look silly, you will not find anyone who "gets" it when you try this stuff outside a wrestling ring. I was ashamed...good job guys
-Chavo Guerrero and Eddie SameName come to the ring...both men looking either PUMPED or PISSED...I couldn't tell which. The Ultimo Dragon came out to fight one of them...Chavo, as it turned out.
-Ultimo won with the Dragon Sleeper. Eddie looked visibly pissed at his WCW contra.....I mean NEPHEW...he looked pissed at his nephew. Mean Gene grabbed them to discuss the loss. Eddie yelled at Chavo for losing, then apoligized to the fans (including his mother and Chavo's grandmother..in a funny touch) for the embarrasment. Chavo apoligized. Eddie promised to show Chavo how it was done..later in the night.
-commercials
-Ahh Yes...it's time for Hogan & Bischoff show (tonight's guest: Charles Nelson Reilly!). Before they start walking, Hogan planted a wet kiss on Bischoff. Bischoff damn near fainted...but alas, we couldn't see if something jumped in his pants...(DON'T TELL ME THERE ARE NO ADVANTAGES TO HAVING YOUR OWN NETWORK!!!!)
-You REALLY have no clue as to what they talked about? Take a wild guess.
-Well okay...Hogan jumped WAAAAAY too deep into the realm of "Dramatic Foreshadowing" by going on and on and on about how close he is with Kevin Nash.
-commercials
-Geno pushes the Hotline...something about Syxx...(or at least I GUESS...you know Gene doesn't just GIVE this stuff away!).
-MY GOD!!!! IT'S "SUPERSTAR" BILLY GRAHAM!!!! BACK FROM THE GRAVE AND EAGER FOR A LITTLE PAYBACK!!!!!!!!
-Ohh...I'm sorry..it's WHITE THUNDER!!!!!!
-Ohh...I'm sorry...it's "Superstar" Scott Steiner..(White Thunder was considered too rascist for the good folks who brought you two black brothers from Alabama and called them "Harlem Heat")...Buff Bagwell joined him...which is ironic since posing and constant self congratulating was Buff's GIMMICK just a few weeks ago....every time we see Buff whisper in Steiner's ear..you just KNOW that he is saying, "MY GOD!! YOU RIP OFF EVERYTHING!!!!!!"
-He's fighting Wayne Bloom....which is appropiate since it's the first of Spring...and everything "Blooms" in Spring.
-Or maybe not...White Thunder....(too politically incorrect? How about "Color Challenged Thunder"?) wasted the creep. By the way, on Steiner's backside was the name, "Big Poppa Pump"...it was either his new name..or maybe it was directions telling someone named Big Poppa to....pump?
-commercials
-The Nitro Girls do a dance in the seats...surrounded by little kids who have no inclination to get busy with their hands.
-Lodi came to the ring to fight Psychosis...holding a bunch of signs that were more irritating than amusing. The fight is on..
-and then off when Neurosis upsets(?) the Flock member. By the way, On Lodi's back was the sign, "Rush was right"...even though Tony declared that "Rush" wouldn't want to be there...I'll bet a million bucks that he had no idea just who "Rush" was..(it was either Rush the group..or Rush the fat republican radio host who'se 15 minutes expired years ago). Finally, Tony bragged that somebody throws a weekly Nitro Bowling Party (Downside...all the girls look like Roy Orbison).
-commercials
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