Nitro Mop Up ... by Chris Hyatte

MOVING RIGHT ALONG 3/23/98 -Hey kids! You know what time it is?? -It's time for RAAAAWWWW!!! -That's right...so do you know what's next for Nitro? -STING VS DDPPPPPPPPP!! -Very good! For having the unprecedented TEMERITY of actually coming on the air....RAW's opening was treated to a Nitro title match between Sting and Dallas Page. To make SURE that no one switched..Tony reminded us that this is "One of the biggest EVER Nitro matchups".....so you'd best keep yer fingers away from the remote chummos. -So we had the match...two good guys going at it...I'll bet a gazillion dollars that something screwy this way comes. -Lordy...plenty of rest holds for this one...it almost looks like a real match! On Nitro? Nawww -Boy, judging from his article that he wrote for SCOOPS by way of Rich in KC...DDP uses the word "bro" a lot.....I always wanted to say that, but always forgot. -This was a good, solid match...well done and paced decently...the crowd was jacked as Sting turned an attempted Diamond Cutter into the "Slop Drop" and won the match cleanly...(A CLEAN PIN? ON FREAKING NITRO???? ALRIGHT!!!! WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH THE NITRO WE ALL KNOW AND LOVE????) -Message to Bischoff...note the response from the fans...THIS is what we want to see!!! So we'll probably never see it again. -Geeze..I just lost a gazillion dollars!!! Come on, TRY to find me to collect....I DARE ya' -Sting and Page hug after the match by the way...Bischoff was rumored to be backstage joyfully screaming F-YOU at RAW during all this. -commercials -The Nitro Girls..all wearing white...has Faarooq been notified of all this racism? -scenes from a Nitro Party...the coolest living things there were the goldfish. There were a couple of guys seen with masks on....I'd have done the same thing. -Rick Fuller comes to the ring...should I know this guy? -I guess I shouldn't..Luger wastes him in less time that it takes to tell. -commercials -Bobby Heenan joined the fun.....and got right into hyping the rest of the night. -Eddie G. came down to show Chavo how to wrestle. He was fighting Kaz (waaay better than TAKA) Hayashi. Thus, the fight beginneth.... -Hayashi performs an impressive Suicide Dive...although Tenay had another Ain't-I-Smart name for it. -Again!!! This was a looong match...but good stuff was happenin' within....a Frogsplash won el matcho for Eddie...thus, the fight endeth. But the Ultimo Dragon showed up to check on Kaz as Eddie and Chavo argued about something... -video thingy with Bret Hart. I have no comment. -commercials -Uh oh...it's Konan. Okay, okay..I'll stick around...so long as he has a good opponent. -they show a video thingy of K-Dawg.....it's almost worse than the man himself. -He is fighting Prince Iaukrapola...I'm outta here. -You know...the Prince won!!!?! I have to wonder just who's monkey is HE spanking? Not that I mind a loss for the K-Mart though. -commercials -Chris Jericho comes to the ring...basking in the glow of a killer heel push. He grabs the mic and proceeds to talk..even though the chant of "FAGGOT" is loud and painfully clear. -Lenny Lane shows up and claims that Jericho owed him $1000 for wearing his gear and helping run Malenko out of town (I have no clue what they are talking about...nor do I care). Jericho claimed that Lane went into his gym bag and stole all that gear (Great Line..."You know what? My LOVERBOY tape is gone too!" Forget about the Austin line..THIS is line of the night.) -The angle continued until Lane slapped Jericho in the face and the match began. -The angle lasted longer than the match itself....Jericho won to no one's surprise. -commercials -The third hour arrives....(oh thank God) -Hulk Hogan and Kevin Nash come out for some bizness...a two on one handicap match against the Giant...(I guess I should have listened to Hogan's diatribe earlier..'cause I have NO clue how this came about). The Giant came out and the match began.. -I'll say one thing...Nash sure knows how to jack up the crowd just by stepping into the ring. -Ahhh...there's the old Nitro..back where it belongs. Ed (is that you're face or did they drop anchor?) Leslie comes out and causes the DQ. As he tried to put the Giant in the Diamond Cutter, and large piece of something bounced cleanly off his head...unfortunately..his face didn't cave in. -Bischoff acted the fool by kicking and swatting at the Giant...happily, he was chokeslammed HUGE for his troubles. -commercials -Benoit comes to the ring..still looking upset that he had to job to Norton last week on Thunder. This time out..he is fighting Booker T. Think he'll job again? -Guess what..he DID...in a way. For only the SECOND time in Nitro history (I think)...it was a draw. Oddly enough..Sting/Page was longer...but oh well. -commercials -Curt Hennig comes out with Rick Rude...he is fighting the British Bulldog.....(bet'cha he's regretting his recent career choices! It's a sad state where CRUSH gets a bigger push than DBS). Rude joined the announcer's booth...seemingly just to make Heenan stain his Calvin Kleins (Tony offered Heenan his chair so that Heenan could sit on Rude's lap). The match carries us right smack into some... -commercials -Just as the Bulldog was about to powerslam a victory, Rick Rude produced a set of handcuffs and cuffed him to the ropes. It was nice to see Davey Boy patiently offer no resistance as Rude had trouble getting them on...(OH MAN!!! BIG flashback of the time Woman handcuffed Hogan's arm to the ropes...it took her about 5 minutes..and even THEN, Hogan had to pretend that he was stuck!!!!). The double team continued until guess who showed up...go on...guess. -come on....take a shot..I'll give you a hint..it wasn't Diana. -Anyway...the NWO B-Team charged, but who know who chased them off. Then, Doug Dillenger (Who has a master plan for the end of civilization as we know it) comes out to uncuff Bulldog. The guy who made the save gabbed the mic and announced that "BRET SCREWED BRET...I DON'T THINK SO!!!!" (In other words..."F-YOU VINCE, F-YOU, F-YOU, F-YOU"). Then promised that from now on...nobody is going to get screwed like he did anymore...there is a new sheriff in town folks...hide your women! -Still don't know who the mystery guy was? Then you be too stupid for this column...go away. -commercials -footage from last Thursday where Goldberg took out the NWO. -I'm getting tired already and I still have RAW to do..so let me wrap this dog up... -Goldberg smurfed the Renagade....and the crowd went nuts. (By the way..since this is Bischoff's ONLY successive wrestler that he created...I expect this guy to be pushed for the rest of his WCW life) -commercials -Macho Man came out with Elizabeth to fight Piper. Piper came out to oblige. The fight was on... -Geeze louEEze...Piper unloaded some NASTY belt shots on Savage. He also jammed his tongue down Elizabeth's thoat. -The ref went down, as did Elizabeth. Piper and Savage went down when Savage jawdropped his way out of the sleeper. -Hogan and Nash showed up. For some UNGODLY reason..Hogan prevented Nash from whalloping Piper with a baseball bat...(which makes no sense at all)...Nash and Hogan pushed each other.. -Sting showed up..Savage attacked him. Sting showed up...as did Brutus....figure out the rest... OUTSTANDING show...quite possibly, the BEST NITRO EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!! I say that with no sarcasm..I really mean it. A taped RAW is usually a blah RAW...let's see if this week is any different.
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