Raw Mop Up ... by Chris Hyatte

Raw 3/23/98 Ah yes, the big kahuna..the big cheese..the big MUTHA!!!! With only a week to go, the most anticipated PPV of the year (sorry Starrcade) is breathjing hot and heavy down our necks...so it would stand to think that tonight's RAW is gonna be a FIREBALL OF FRENETIC, FEARLESS, FURY!!!! ...or maybe not.. RAW IS WAR (or Screw Hogan...Kane is GOD) -opens with the startling development from last week where Vince got into the act of on stage angle inclusion. I still don't like it.... -opening theme -Jim Ross welcomes us to Tuscon, Arizona..(bring a gun). -They waste no time in bringing out...... -Bischoff's idea of a mid-carder.....and they say he can't market people... -Austin comes out fuming about Vince's statements the day....err I mean the WEEK before. Kevin Kelly brought nothing to the table as Austin went off. The segemnt was highlighted by Commissioner Slaughter getting Stunned after telling him that he has to fight Rocky Maivia later that night. If he didn't fight the Rock, then the WM match would be sanctioned a Non-Title affair. Austin dropped him for having DARED threaten his bad self. -Austin also jumped ahead of the PPV game by showing off his SPRING wardrobe t-shirt (BRAND NEW!!! FOR THE LOW LOW PRICE OF ONLY $699.99 YOU KNOW YOU'LL BUY IT! YOU CAN'T RESIST AUSTIN YOU SHEEP!!!!!!!!!) which had the words, "Don't Trust Anybody" on the back. -By the way..Austin cracked me up by saying that he's gonna wait by the entrance and drink a cooler of "SteveWeisers"...I put it on the list, but turns out that it received the favored L.O.T.N!!! -By the way..the SIGN of the night went to the great sign that read, "IT'S ALL GOOD" on one side, then the guy flipped it over and it read, "YOU SUCK" on the other side...ahh a metaphorical didacticism with a hint of irony....and it gave me the giggles too. -Ross and Cole screamed bloody murder about tonight's show....with the BEST parts being the.. -brief video montages of the big angles leading up to the dance....most of them were superb. -commercials -The Quebecers took on Cactus Jack and Chainsaw Charlie...Jacques had a look on his face that said, "Why aren't I fighting Michaels on Sunday? I PINNED HULK HOGAN FOR CHRISSAKES!!!!!". For some odd reason, the New Age Outlaws came out in tuxedos and proceeded to drink wine with two blow up dolls dressed as Jack and Funk...they hung around a bit before attacking. Funk got hit with a formica table...making the shot look worthy of Public Enemy....(shame on you you old fart..I expect better from you). -commercials -they show the table shot again..it looked worse then the first time around....my GRANDMOTHER could have taken that shot...(seeing how she's been dead for three years..right now she could take ANY shot really). -Tennessee Lee introduces Jeff Jarrett...or the TOTAL SELLOUT..as I like to call him. Jarrett comes to the ring with.. -TORI SPELLING!!!! MY GOD, VINCE HAS HIRED TORI SPELLING TO BE JARRETT'S VALET!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -Well no, I was wrong...it's a horse..(it has Tori's nose). Jarrett is all a'glitter with neon signs...speaking of neon.. -Steve Blackman comes out and starts to be assaulted by a haze of DEADLY HORNETS!!! Luckily, he has his giant chopsticks (I could go for some Singapore Noodles right now) with him and proceeds to swat away. The hornets leave and the match begins... -and ends with Blackman chasing Tennessee Lee away asfter he holds his foot down and allows Jarrett to make the pin. Even though there was controversy as another ref ran in to inform the first ref of the transgression...(why doesn't this ever happen on NITRO...unless Bret Hart is around of course?)...I think Jarrett won...but I really don't know....or care for that matter. It WAS funny seeing Lee run away from Blackhead...that boy runs like a DUCK. -ad for the DX Public Workout being held this Thursday in Boston....including scenes from the FIRST Pre WM workout in Times Square. -DX is seen getting out of a white limo (OH FOR THE LOVE OF....GOD THEY RIP OFF EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) ehh, actually..it wasn't that big a deal. -Footage from last week where Kane beat up the gorilla...(you had to be there), then tried to get at Sable, then the UT showed up....yadda, yadda, yadda -A very pensive Undertaker in a cemetary talking to his parents grave. UT apoligized in advance for the whuppin' he's about to give Kane..(My underworld connections tell me that they won't mind if he does it..but they are still a tad upset about HOW HE BURNED THEM AND TOOK THEIR LIVES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DON'T LISTEN TO HIM!!! THE UNDERTAKER STRAPPED THEM TO THEIR BEDS AND LIT THE MATCH!!!!!!! -anywhoo..the UT went on to apoligize for all the bad things he's done in his life...Running over the cat, breaking old lady Wilkes picture window, stealing from the church's donation basket, killing Kennedy, putting Nixon in the white house, giving Warren Beatty a career, that whole Disco thing, Voodoo Economics, Quayle, you know...the usual stuff that kids do. -commercials -Remember in WCW when Kevin Sullivan brought out an real old, fat guy and called him the Leader, Master, or whatever? Well, Bischoff used to hoist his fat ass up in a chair to make it look as if he was hovering. This guy was supposed to be Satan..remember? Well that was nothing compared to this silliness. -Kane came out and at Paul Bearer's prodding, proceeded to make things blow up. Lights, tables (I know Michael Kole wet himself when his table caught on fire), and a WWF tech...that's right...a living, breathing man. At the snap of his fingers, a bolt of lightening came out and roasted the guy's below-the-chest nuts over an open fire. The whole thing went down as stupidity at it's.....stupidist? And I really didn't care for it one bit...suddenly, I began missing the subtle parlor tricks of PAPA SHANGO.... -One thing though...Kole called kane the "Embodiment of horror"..I only mention that because it was the SAME thing my girlfriend told me last week when I stepped out of the shower...(at least I don't smell like tun.........WHOOOAA, this is a FAMILY column...forget I said that!!). -commercials -footage of what just happened. It would have ROCKED if the burning guy suddenly felt like body surfing. -DOA (the bald guys) ride out to take on the Midnight Express...it turned into a free for all between many, but not all of the tag team battle royal participants at WM.....YEEEAAAWWWN. Interesting though, Ross said point blank that the LOD were still not talking to each other..they are GONE.....maybe we can see a WAY cool Hawk vs Animal match at Wrestlemania? It's certainly the place for that kind of unique match. -commercials -RAW IS WAR becomes the WARZONE....God I need a drink. -Are you ready for this? Shawn, HHH, Chyna, and Tyson come out. HHH trashes Owen and praises his massive genitalia. HBK calls an apparently drunken female with HUGE BONGZOLOS wearing a DX shirt. Shawn called her a "skank". Tyson almost said "FU$%"...and that was about it. Quite frankly, the segment sucked...I started watching the Oscars. -Gennifer Flowers tells us all that it's ok to admit to being a WWF wrestling fan...geeze, nowadays, truer words were never spoken. -commercials -Did I get mention that Jerry Lawler joined the fun? Well now I did. -Ross announces that the Maivia/Shamrock match has a special stipulation where if Rocky gets DQ'ed...then the title goes to Shamrock...nice way to put a little juice into that match. -Faarooq tells his NOD posse to stay away as he comes to fight Chainz...Lawler has no idea of the irony as he says, "Is Faarooq trying to be MACHO and come out here by himself?"...(Just like Savage's current angle...but don't read into that...it was just coincidential). Boy. watching Faarooq and Chainz face each other is a poster for the racial strife in America (you know...militant black man against free wheeling white man!! IT'S A RECIPE FOR DISATER I TELLS YA!!!!!! CAN'T WE ALL JUST GET ALONG????) -Faarooq is on his way to an actual PIN (?!?). but Maivia comes out and clocks him on the noggin' with a chair. It's supposed to be an accident..but you and I both know what the Dealie-Yo is here. I must say...Maivia has the COOLEST eyebrow expressions in all wrestling. -commercials -Little update on the Bradshaw/Windham feud that has ROCKED THE GLOBE WITH IT'S FEVERED PITCH!!!!! WE NEED MORE, MORE, MORE..ALWAYS MOOOORE!!!. -Then again.....The Rock and Roll Express came out and took a couple of front row seats...(Somewhere in Kentucky ((in Louisville you sh&% for brains)) Raven saw this and screamed..THAT'S MY FLOCK'S ANGLE YOU DINOSAURS FROM ANOTHER MOTHER FU&^%$%@ ERA!!!!! GET YOUR OWN CO$#S&@#$% FU*&^%#$^ A$$ IDEA!!!! QUOTE THE FU&^%@# RAVEN...NEVERMORE!!!!! Then Raven proceeded to get drunk...which was his plan anyway. -The R & R's cause enough of a ruckus to let Bradshaw win. But the Midnight Express and Windham put the boots to him anyway. Where is Stan Hansen when you need him the most. -The M & M Millenium moment.. Muhammid Ali from the first WM...(the one when Hogan had hai.....oh geeze...HE WAS BALD BACK THEN TOO???? WHOA). -commercials -Backstage with DX...Shawn was teaching Tyson how to pick up girls in Nightclubs without getting arrested for sexual assault. -another ad for the Thursday DX workout. Word is...there may be a special appearence by none other than CHRIS F'K'N HYATTE. Keep your eyes open for the fellow in the "LARRY BIRD SUCKS" shirt.....I don't think I'll be able to stay very long though.....so if you miss me there, be sure to catch me in the E.R. of MASS GENERAL!!!! -commercials
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