Nitro Mop Up ... by Chris Hyatte
read the RAW recap first...3/25/99
Mop-Up Nitro
If I can be serious for a moment, I'd like to say just how much I enjoyed the Uncensored pay per view. Once you throw out the normal crap that comes with any WCW PPV (Jerry Flynn? Jesus why?) you really come away with some outstanding work. The "Extreme" three way match could have been a real joke, but when you throw two established hardcore veterans who KNOW how to sell a chairshot as well as legit tough guy Bam Bam Bigelow in there and tell them to just make a big mess...it will work! Booker T is good, but he needs to learn how to make his opponent look good if he ever wants to be great......his match with Steiner sort of blew. I LOVED the Lumberjack strap match...maybe the best tag match WCW has put out in years and it was nice to see Arn get himself involved in more than just a mouthpiece way.
As far as the main event went...okay, the ending was fu**ed.....but it was also probably Hogan's best WCW work to date....period.
I'll tell you something else, hearing the fans cheer Hogan didn't even bother me....they were simply marking out. They were into the match BIG TIME, they were having a good time, and they were reacting EXACTLY HOW PEOPLE SHOULD ACT AT A WRESTLING SHOW!!!!!!! I mean, it's cool to be a "smark" and boo the Ultimate Warrior.....it's cool to hold up cruel signs like "JR LOST HIS SMILE"....and it's cool to hum a giant cup of beer into Bischoff's face....but it's also cool to mellow out, forget about the "inside stuff" and just cheer....especially when they aren't screwing you over and are giving you a real match with real action.
So yes, if the mood is right and he's working hard...it is okay to cheer for Hulk Hogan.....just don't make a habit out of it.....ya' goofy ass marks.
NITRO (or: Flair is bad now....BOO.HISS...BOOO)
-opens with a video tale from last week where Flair, Hogan, Nash, and Goldberg got it on. It was also the time when they ALMOST, DAMN NEAR got within BREATHING distance of catching up with Raw's numbers for the quarter hour....bwa ha haaa
-I'm sorry, but after 100 weeks of listening to Bischoff brag.......it just feels SO FRIGGIN' GOOD!!!!!
-Oh that's right...they are in Panama City Beach Florida for that Spring Break themed show.....jeezus...I can't even remember the name....Umm...Beach Blanket Nitro?
-Seriously, these things are always pretty fun, the wrestlers seem to have a blast in this type of atmosphere (drunk college kids...and smoking is allowed) last year, I remember Sting coming down from a helicopter and Kevin Nash doing a cannonball into the water. It's when Nitro loosens up..so to speak.
-a helicopter shot of the nightclub....Club La Vela (it used to be called "This Old Club"...think about it...it's funny)....is this still the biggest nightclub in the world? Like it was last year when Nitro was the number 1 show?
-The voice of Tony Schiavone causes pain to our ears by screaming, "YOU WANT DRAMA?? WE GOT DRAMA??? Yes, we want drama..but we want our drama smartly written..not cobbled together by a bunch of inbred rednecks......surely, you don't think that Nash writes everything by himself do you?
-I have to break away just for a tad (right now, thousands are mumbling to themselves, "aw shit...Hyatte's rambling again.")..as you all should know by now, I have never gone out of my way to watch Thunder, but last week, I caught the Flair segment where he threatened to fire Curt Hennig.....he then said something like, "And when your fired, then you have two options....you could go to one of the other two companies, or you could take your act back home." After the segment, Tony rang in with this, "Two companies? You mean there are OTHER wrestling promotions other than WCW?" Now, the simple minded mutants would use that as another reason to want Tony's daughter's toenails peeled away in the most excruciating of means...but I have to tell ya...it made me laugh...if only for his sheer audacity. It took real chutzpah for him to say that...and I got the joke that his tongue was firmly into his cheek at the time.
-Still, it doesn't mean that I am lifting the bounty....$100 and a blowjob for Tony's teeth and a severe ass whuppin...or his daughter's toenails sent to me. The bastard must PAY!!!!!!!!
-Oh..it's called WCW Spring Breakout......I prefer Beach Blanket Nitro myself.
-footage from Uncensored with that better than expected hardcore match....but who the fu** would care that Raven's "sister" would desert him after only a couple of weeks? Probably the same people who cared that Raven had a sister.
-The luck of Nitro still runs strong as the lovely Spring weather bottoms out and they are working in a 40 something degree night. Of course, any suffering on Schiavone's part is welcome
-Ahh..what a way to kick off Nitro....where the BEST WRESTLERS CULLED FROM THE CREAM OF THE CROP ARE SHOWCASED.....so what do we get?
-Bull Payne vs Van Hammer. I hope Van Hammer gets inyto a car wreck one day and loses an arm.....that way I NEVER HAVE TO LOOK AT THIS PRICK AGAIN!!!!!!!!
-I don't give a crap who won...if you do then you are a total douchebag...and a complete loser in life. Hell, if you care about this match, I hope YOU get into a car wreck and lose your arm...how about that?
-I hear that Hammer keeps getting this exposure because DDP "likes him".......I'm starting to wonder about Diamond Dallas Page and whether he deserves to be cheered.
-commercials
-footage from last week of that fantastic match between Rey Mysterio and Kidman
-Rikki Rachtman talked to Rey Mysterio Jr. One of them is a douchebag who bangs a world famous porn star and the other one still gets carded for liquor......that's all you need to know. Dig how Rachtman pretends to know anything about these guys as he busily reads the cue cards for his questions.
-Footage from WCW's fun at the beach looking at all them breasteseses in those "kinis......Buff is there..as if he would really care about the female form....like...okay...whatEver. Riggs is there too...he's a RESOL...he's not good enough to be called a LOSER in it's proper order.
-I think the message here is that if Ladies chew Cinnabursts....they get big cans.
-Scan of the crowd and their signs...the usual assortment of dumb stuff....nobody...........................
-.........................................................
-............gets?.............Oh My God..........
-Holy Mackeral!!!!
-For the second week in a row!!!!!!!!
-a sign...big, bright, and clear as day........WHERE'S SCHIAVONE'S DAUGHTER?? HYATTE 4 LIFE!
-YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGH...YEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-HOW ABOUT THAT CRZ??? HOW ABOUT THAT SCAIA????? NOW YOU ALL SUCK...ALL OF YOU...EVERY LAST ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HEY SUSHI X? YA' BIG HARDON!!!! I DON'T PROMISE THEM PICTURES ON MY WEB PAGE!!!!!! I DON'T HAVE TO BRIBE THEM!!!!!! I GET THEM BECAUSE I ROCK!!!!!! I GET THEM BECAUSE I ROLL!!! I GET THEM BECAUSE I AM THE KING OF THIS GODDAM PUNY LITTLE WEBBY THING!!!!!!!!! I GET THEM BECAUSE I RESPECT THE READERS!!!!! I GIVE THEM A LITTLE SOMETHING MORE!!!!! SURE IT'S LATE, SURE IT'S POORLY WRITTEN...BUT CHA' KNOW WHAT? IT SPEAKS TO THEM...NOT AT THEM!!!!! THE MOP-UP IS THE PEOPLE'S COLUMN!!!!!! THE MOP-UP..IS.....IS....MY GOD..THE MOP-UP IS THE NEW BIBLE!!!!!!!!!!!! I AM THE CHAMPION..MY FRIIIIIIEEEEND....AND IIIIII'L KEEP ON FIGHTING...TO THE END...I AM THE CHAMPION...I AM THE CHAMPION...NO TIME FOR LOSERS, "CAUSE I AM THE CHAMPIOOOON...OF THE WOOOOOORRRRLLLLLLD!!!!!!!!!!
-Ahem..now that I had a little ego stroke...I would like to extend my heartfelt thanks and great appreciation for all signs...especially that one. It's what keeps me going. Thanks a lot.
-Plus..it drives EVERYONE...Scherer, Shannon, Scaia, Sushi X, even a few SCOOPS columnists all of them, crazy when they see Hyatte signs. They really wish that I would just go away and never come back.
-I have NEVER seen a Scaia sign on TV..and he's been on the web longer than Al Isaacs even...what does THAT tell you?
-and, for the record...CRZ doesn't care....because I made his ass more famous than any plugs from his bosses...he'll admit to that too.
-and..for the record again.....anyone else notice that WCW didn't go after a certain web site whose name is suspiciously close to"NWO" until I started my little "feud" with them? Seems to me that maybe they first heard of them (even though they seem to be under the impression that Mark Madden actually knew who they were months and months ago) through this column? Hey, it's just as believable as this supposed lawsuit. Feel free to thank me whenever guys.
-And I promise..I will NEVER talk about that topic again...too many readers don't give a crap...and neither do I anymore either. I chased them away once...no need to do it again.
-again..thank you for the sign...you ROCK m'man.
-commercials
-More fun from the beach and Cinnaburst...Raven is spotted.....which goes against every single aspect of his character.....unless he's still working that "Smirk into the camera and groan, "Whatta mark'" mojo.
-Am I supposed to have heard of that house band they have playing? Jesus, couldn't they hire SOMEONE contemporary? I mean, Vince once got Motley Crue on RAW...who aren't exactly cutting edge any more, but at least people heard of them? Or maybe they are a hot band and I just haven't been paying attention.
-Rachtman talks to Disco Inferno....Disco killed me with is impression of barely remembered comedic relic Yakov Smirnoff. "EEn AmerEEca, people find party! EEn Russia, party find you!!" Now THAT was funny.....ha ha ha
-Then they showed that DINF "takeover" of Konan's video...which was better than the original...but they did it all wrong..they should have had DINF do his OWN lyrics...I'd give an example, but I'm white...thereby prohibited by law to attempt a rap of any sort without an written authorization from a record company or my local church.
-DINF's video was amusing tho'..I especially liked it when he'd forget the words.
-more crap from these two....DINF claims that the entire city of Tijuana hates Konan....Rachtman claims that they love him...every time Rachtman opens his mouth, I want to hit him with a sledge hammer.
-Why did DINF say that everybody thinks that he is better looking than Ricky Morton? Why drag HIS name into it?
-video package detailing the story of the breakup between Steiner and Bagwell...I hear Harvey Firestein optioned the Broadway rights? Directed by Tommy Tune, Scored by Elton John.....Starring Liza Minelli as Judy Bagwell and Jm J Bullock as Eric Bischoff
-I SWEAR...if you know who Jm J Bullock is..you are on the floor rolling right this very second.
-commercials
-Fit Finlay is seen checking to see if Rick Steiner had arrived in Panama City and is in his bungalow (?) He was...Finlay left...this was the most pointless segment I have ever seen in my entire life.
-A replay of the replay that opened the show at 8:00.....yippee
-footage of Goldberg at the Daytona 500.....yup...Goldberg likes car racing....anyone else get the feeling that Goldberg would do a 180 and endorse cock fighting if Bischoff told him to?
-Oh thank God...Hardcore Hak interrupted this FASCINATING video production to challenge Goldberg by way of talking to Rikki Rachtman.
-Three more reasons to want to stick a M80 down Ractman's pants:
-1: The way he kept laughing when Hak kept yanking the mic back to his mouth. At least Okerlund TRIES to sell the story you dickhead
-2: This quote, "We DON'T KNOW the HISTORY of this Hardcore Hak..."
-3: THIS GOOFY LITTLE MAN BANGS A PORN STAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! A GOOD LOOKING PORN STAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-Rent (or buy) the Vince Neil/Janine videotape...THAT'S WHO HE'S GETTING!!!!!!
-note to Dickface.....it is pointless to try to look hip with that patch of gray on your hairline......old, outdated, tool
-commercials
-Hey, Sting will be on QV......oh yeah..that's right..I'm late..it already happened...shoot...I had a funny bit prepared too...aw well
-It's an 8 man Luchador jam...including Disco Inferno wearing a Mil Mascaras mask.....all those Panchos and the gringo ended up beating them all......ah..Nash...American made from head to toe.
-Footage of the contest to crown "MR & MS WCW MONDAY NITRO" True to life, the person who placed SECOND was declared the winner....nyuck, nyuck, nyuck
-commercials
-opening theme....
-Tony Schiavone calls up the energy to WELCOME US TO WCW MONDAY NITRO!!!! The last hour was a distant, distant dream.
-The Nitro Girls are in the nosebleeds dancing.....I have no idea why they are being kept around if they are such pains in the ass as rumors have stated...(rumors that were NOT started by Al Isaacs)
-JJ Dillon and Ric Flair in a pre-match segment where Flair decided to draw a lottery on air to see who he could wrestle tonight. Then he made some claim that "Double A" would be having fun with the college girls tonight.....I really don't see that happening anytime soon. Arn is a wee bit TOO old.
-Mike Tenay talked to Dusty Rhodes.....I would LOVE to repost every word the dream says....but I am desperately late...like...try it's Thursday morning...almost NOON!! Let it just be said that A: Dusty can still preach better than ANY WRESTLER OR ANNOUNCER ON THE PLANET AND BISCHOFF/NASH/WHOEVER IS A COMPLETE ASSFACE FOR NOT GIVING HIM MORE AIRTIME!!!!!
B: Dusty pushed the Flair heel turn angle
C: Dusty seemed to hint at a return to more prominent screen time
D: After he left, Tenay stared out and tried to look concerned/poignant/worried...mostly he looked like a drunken retard.
-Ahhh...I never thought I would say this but...MEAN GENE WAS BACK!!!! THANK GOD!!!!!
-Zbyszko (in quite a tizzy) on Rhodes, "Nobody understands what that idiot says in the first place!!!!" Hey Larry, that "idiot" has more personality, more style, and more enthusiasm than you will EVER have. Put Dusty in your place and I would enjoy Nitro a HELL of a lot more.
-Classic Dusty call..."He just wore his tired ol' ass out!!!" Larry wouldn't know to say that in a MILLION years.
-Okerlund called out Flair...Tony called Tenay's post interview look "blank"...I stand by my original assessment....drunk and retarded.
-Flair showed up and barely had time to say anything when....
-Raven came out, acting all sorts of pissy that he's yet to get any world title shots. He also whined that his killer (in his mind at least) angle with his Mother and being the spoiled little rich kid was unceremoniously dumped by Bischoff after Hogan said he didn't like it...WELL WHAT ABOUT HIM? WHAT ABOUT RAVEN'S PUSH???
-Flair told him to grow up and start acting like the 35 year old he really is...he'll get a world title match tonight! Him and Kanyon can take on Malenko and Benoit for the tag belts.....pretty nifty huh?
-Oh shit on toast........KANYON IS BACK!!!!!!!! THIS IS THE WORST NITRO I HAVE EVER SEEN!!!!! WILL SOMEONE DUMPED THIS GODDAM KANYON LOSER PLEASE?????
-Raven said that Kanyon was busy making the Jesse Ventura bioflick....You mean Kanyon ain't there?? THIS IS THE BEST NITRO EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-Flair told Raven that he'll just have to fight Benoit and Malenko in a handicapped match....and then he can go F-Himself with Arn's tire iron afterwards (hey, I am not making this stuff up!)
-Oooo..Flair is so mean...he is so...so....HEELISH!!!! HE IS THE ULTIMATE BAD GUY!!!!!
-He's also shortsighted.....I doubt he could EVER turn fully heel....too many people prefer him over his opponents...like, remember the last time he tried to go full out heel? They put him up against that old fool Piper....now, WHO in their right mind would cheer for PIPER against FLAIR these days? Come ON!!!!
-With that segment finished...Flair had more to say......I barely paid attention.
-commercials
-Oh My Lord!!!! Tony Schiavone is WEARING A BLACK LEATHER JACKET??!?!?!?????
-HOLY CRAP!!!!!! HE'S THE GIMP FROM PULP FICTION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-Tony's just begging for a anal gang rape isn't he?
-Fit Finlay took on Rick Steiner...I guess he checked in on him just to make sure he would be wrestling...glad to see someone cares...I sure don't.
-Oh..you know which one won.
-BUT...did you know that this match took a whole set of...
-commercials
-before it wrapped up? Well, now you do!
-more commercials
-More Nitro Girls kickin' it old school! Or is that new school? Or is that Special Ed? School for the Blind?
-Bobby Heenan joined the festivities as...
-El Vampiro came out....yet the WCW hicks had no clue how to spell his name...so no chyron graphics for him.
-Juventud Guerrero came out to take on this spooky dude.....and MAN, is he spooky. Lots of tattoos, and a scuzzy haircut. Looks like he's going to be WCW's newest version of a "disallusioned youth with a mad on against the world".....Raven almost pulled it off.....almost.
-Poor, poor Juvee..he gave up his mask for a push...and now, la poosh is el finito.....adios Juvee.....scuzzbag won the shindig...and looked DAMN good doing so too.
-Tony used this match to say that all is well in WCW...they still get sell outs wherever they go and everybody in the world, along with their mothers loves this product. He also hinted that the "competition" appeals only to inmates, prostitutes, and crack junkies.
-commercials DURING the match
-and commercials AFTER the match.
-Oh, by the way...Juvee DID win...I jumped the gun...I figured Scuzzball was due for a big push....oh well. Take everything I said above and switch "Juvee" with "Scuzzbag" and the other way around and things are back to normal.
-And there were NO commercials after the match...although I wish there WERE! because out came Rikki Rachtman for more of that hip lingo that the kids love....
-He brought out a pleasant looking chick who was officially "Ms Nitro"....there t'wasn't a thing wrong with her.....
-there were PLENTY of things wrong with Rachtman...including when someone had to tell him that he was facing the wrong end of the ring...the camera was on the OTHER side....GOOD JOB MR. PRO!!!!!! The last guy to do that was Mike Tyson at Wrestlemania.
-Again, a very serviceable sweetie to take the crown.....which of course meant..
-That Hogan and Nash (anyone else thought that Nash turned heel so he could rejoin Scott Hall? Why is he so chummy with Hogan now?) with a line of bikini clad NWO hotties......they wanted to pick Ms NWO.....
-They lined up the chickies.....and Rachtman was protesting because he is the single worse piece of shit announcer I have ever met...and he BANGS A GODDAM PORN STAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHY, OH WHY??
-For the record...I am MUCH better looking than Rachtman......
-For the record...I'll bet that SEAN SHANNON is better looking than Rachtman......how "bout dem apples?
-I won't even tag in another insult on Mr. Shannon.....because I'm sure he is in complete agreement with me on this one. (Seanny tends to agree with ANYTHING anti-WCW...in case you didn't figure that out)
-Nash hits the ring..and suddenly craves a snowcone.....
-After letting the crowd soak in the babes.....Nash and Hulky figured out that they were missing one....so they called her out.
-Crows chanted, "SHOW YOUR TITS"......Nash floored me with, "I would but it's awfully cold out here guys!" HAW!! That's yer LINE OF THE NIGHT RIGHT THERE!!!!!
-So they called out number 8....
-And out came David Flair and his chippie, Sammy. Sammy got her foot caught on the bridge for a moment. It would have been nice if it collapsed and she went in...and David drowned.
-Hogan called her the 8th Wonder of the World...WHY DON'T YOU JUST PISS ON ANDRE'S GRAVE RIGHT ON LIVE TV AND BE DONE WITH IT YOU UNGRATEFULL PIECE OF HORSE PEE FILLED CRAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-The dress eventually came off...(Tony demanded that Craig Leathers replay that)...and this chick is BUFFED.....but she STILL has that generic B-Movie actress face...I'm sorry.
-Further proof that Rachtman A: Got a LOT of money to read a script without any shame about how ridiculous he sounds. B: Had full script approval but STILL isn't bright enough to comprehend how dumb he sounds. or C: Porn starlets will shack up with ANYONE....which means that he raised a ruckus about how this is the WCW Ms Nitro contest and DAMMIT, that nice young lady deserves a moment. Nash threatened to powerbomb his ass back to the 80's if he didn't shut his yap...the yap went shut...I am officially in love with Kevin Nash in that hetero, non sexual kind of way.
-Sammy did one last pose...Nash said, "Sable, eat your heart out!!" Hogan said, "Did you say that? You did NOT say that!!" Nash giggled, "I think I did"...Hogan laughed, "You're so right"....that pretty much killed the segment.
-You see...that's the looseness I like.....Hogan and Nash were just goofing around and having some fun.....they should do that more often.
-It was also the one time that I can remember that Hogan didn't annoy me in any way, shape, or fo....oh wait..that 8th wonder of the world comment....he's still a prick.
-commercials
-WHERE'S THE BLOODY THIRD HOUR????? I'VE BEEN HERE FOREVER ALREADY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-Hak came out....looking like he made a massive, massive career mistake.
-Here comes the music.....
-and here comes...one more time..with feeling.....*deep breath*
-Goldberg spotted a young man on the ground on the other side of the pool....without even HESITATING....Goldberg lept over the railing and ran ON THE WATER over to the young lad......he got over to him and kneeled down. The boy was visibly drunk...and was almost catatonic it was ALCOHOL POISENING!!!!!...Goldberg quickly placed his hands ON THE BOY'S STOMACH.....face ticks..a glow....all the usual silliness.....suddenly, the boy's body REJECTED ALL THE BOOZE IN HIS SYSTEM AND VOMITED IT ALL OUT LIKE A PROJECTILE!!!!!!!! GOLDBERG HAD SAVED A LIFE AND PERFORMED ANOTHER MIRACLE!!!!!!! Heenan had a religious movement.....Tony had a bowel movement....IN THE TOWN OF DECADENCE AND YOUNG SEX, GOLDBERG SPREADS THE WORD OF PEACE AND LOVE ONCE AGAIN!!!!!!
-Unfortunately, the projectile vomit projectiled all over the big guy.....he screamed, "OY VEY!!!!! DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH IT COSTS TO DRY CLEAN THESE TIGHTS????"........Then hurled the lad in the pool.....then pissed in the pool......the pool boiled and turned into acid and the kid melted in front of everyone. Those damn college kids cheered.....the heathens.
-Oh yeah..Goldberg beat Hak too...then spent the rest of the night Baptizing converts in the other pool......Tony took two dunks....he is that loyal
-Oh yeah..one quick note to Hak..next time you fight Goldberg...try to hit him in the HEAD with your Kendo stick.....not his trapezoids okay?
-Geno brought out Bret Hart...who claimed to be able to beat Goldberg inside 5 minutes and bitch about never getting a World Title shot after being there for a year plus now. The man has valid points, people.
-What's Bret Hart's version of absolute Hell? The day Shawn Michaels signs with WCW for 3 years. So far, he's in Hell.....but not ABSOLUTE Hell
-For the record...I NEVER dreamed of Bret Hart vs Hulk Hogan.
-Gotta like the way Bret refused to call Hulk Hogan "Hollywood"....heh
-Bret said that Nash is the "pencil", but he would be the "eraser"
Chris Hyatte
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