Nitro Mop Up ... by Chris Hyatte

read page 1 of this column first...3/25/99 Mop-Up Nitro (cont) -commercials -Hey.....Hogan, Flair, Bagwell, Konan, and Raven have PUT ASIDE THEIR DIFFERENCES AND HAVE JOINED TOGETHER IN A VERY SPECIAL DANCE FOR GLOBAL PEACE!!!!!!!!! GO GET "EM BOYS!!!! -They are awfully clumsy ain't they? AW WHO CARES!!!!!! IT'S FOR GLOBAL PEACE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -Oh...they're really the Nitro Girls in disguise.....the world is doomed. -I wasn't paying attention.....are we at war? -Horace took on Vincent in the third hour......it's either this or I scratch my nuts in ecstasy for 5 minutes...... -oooh, ah...aaaahhh...ooohhh.....mmmmm.....hhhhhh......yeeeah......ooooh..... -Lottery time! Ah crap...I don't care about this...it was kind of boring. Rey Mysterio ended up being Flair's opponent for tonight. Less is more here. -commercials -So, Benoit and Malenko proceed to beat the living crap out of Raven...not only was the Texas Cloverleaf AND the Crippler Crossface used.....but Benoit lifted Raven up for a Powerbomb, then Malenko DOVE off the top ropes and gave Raven a reverse Bulldog as Benoit sent him down...it was a KILLER move. -Raven was toasted.....so Saturn came out because he hates unfairly booked matches (then what's he doing in WCW? BOOYAA) One thing leads to bread & butter and... -It turns into a mighty good tag match that ECW is famous for....the kind with very little garbage work, just straight up pro's working their asses off. Nash was smart setting this baby up. -The Referee threw the match out......but it also looked like Raven and Saturn won it which sets up a nifty little full match down the line. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that...because it's being done right. -commercials -Footage from Thunder where Flair stripped Scott Hall of the US title..... -Footage of Thunder where Meng beat Bigelow.....HEY!! With those funky new "Sultan" pants....maybe now Meng can "Make a Difference"? (I wonder who'll get that one) -Okay...I'm going to shoot through this...you'll see why in a second.... -Steiner came out.....did his thing....say what you want about his mic work...but that "Hookup" and "Holler if you hear me" caught on HUGE. -Jericho came out.....wearing a sash with some sort of stuff on it....I think it says, "Only 4 more months then I'm blowing Patterson"...but I could be wrong. -Remember Jericho when he was a face? When everyone hated him and he obbed out to a lot of heavyweights? Well, he's a heel now, but he sure worked the match like the face of old......Steiner destroyed him. -I pick Steiner as the US champ...because he is over and he signed that new contract....plus he just lost the TV belt. -commercials -Michael Buffer earned his money buy trying to sell a CRUISERWEIGHT vs a HEAVYWEIGHT match. -Flair came out first...even though he is the champ..he's also a HEEL...bad, bad...VERY BAD -Rey Mysterio Jr came out.....the transformation is complete......he is now Konan's little bitch wannabe. -Rey offered his hand......Flair went to take it, then lifted it up away...HEY, THAT'S MY MOVE!!!! I CALL IT THE LEG SPREADER!!!!!!!! (because, obviously, once the chicks see Hyatte slick that one off....they automatically open dem babies UP.....BOOYAA MOTHA EFF-AAA) -Rey jumped around a lot....Flair used his brains... -Arn clotheslined Mysterio......I heard that his lung collapsed afterwards. -You know...you just don't see Flair wrestle guys smaller than him all that much. -Chant of "RIC FLAIR SUCKS!!" I hope you people realize that a Heel Flair probably means a Face Hogan....DID THAT EVER OCCUR TO YOU??????? -WOW...Nitro in Canada for the first time next week up against the first RAW after Wrestlemania???? Jeezus..that's gonna be a HOT night. -Flair pretty much owns the thing....then Rey volleys and gets off the top rope Hurracarana......Flair is out. -Rey goes for the pin...Arn pulls the ref outside..Rey is DQ'ed and Flair keeps the belt. Then Flair goes in the pool.....I'd say more but this thing is breaking new records for lateness. -Okay...RAW had good wrestling, loads of cool drama, and very nice buildup to the Wrestlemania. Nitro had Horace vs Vincent, Van Hammer vs Bull Payne, Fit Finlay, and more RIKKI F'K'N RACHTMAN THAN ANY NORMAL HUMAN COULD STAND!!!!!! Who do YOU think won?. NITRO WINS OF COURSE!!!!! Hey I get a sign, the show gets the night, them's the rules. Closer, then begone ye mutants! Aye, Saint Patty's Day has come "n' gone fer another year. Rest yer weary heads laddies and dry yer weepin' eyes. It'll be back next year by God...unless the year 2000 brings about Judgment Day from ye Heavens and Armeggeden reigns...but we'll deal with that some other time. So, as another year passes, it's time to reflect, rejoice, and re-educated ourselves on the ways of the stronger sex., and how they consistently spur our advances. In other words, here are some of my personal pickup lines that I have used in the past. HYATTE'S PICK-UP LINES: "Hello, I'm Al Isaacs" "Hello, I'm Remy "The Slammer' Artiega" "Hi, thousands of 12 year olds worship me" "Want to buy the King of the Internet a drink?" "I write for a website the generates millions of readers a month. One day, I may even get paid for it" "Hi, I can outdrink anyone in this bar." "I am great at sex, I can masturbate for a half an hour without losing control" "My name is Chris, it rhymes with piss" (I SWEAR TO GOD..it works) "Didn't I see you in a Seymore Butts video?" "Did I die? Am I dead? Then why is an angel standing before me?" "Sweetheart, you haven't lived until you've had a fat ass" "If that jerk you're with has a web page, I can chase him off the web inside 2 months" "I can show you the way I "spear' and "jackhammer'" "My job allows me to take 30 weeks off a year" "Hey, where you going in them jeans?" "I got tickets to the Huey Lewis and the News concert" "I ain't no fag, but I am willing to learn" (note..use ONLY with bisexual women...or really hot guys) "Everyone on the web either hates me or wants to be me!" "Hey baby, every week hundreds of people tell me I suck, wanna see for yourself?" "I write a hugely popular web column for free, I don't feel that I'm being misused, because I do it FOR THE CHILDREN!! IT'S ALL FOR THE CHILDREN!!!" "I just wish that I could reach more people. Come closer and I'll start with you" "Don't move....you have a cockroach on your chest, let me brush it off." "Don't move.....you have a cockroach on your fly, here let me...ooops, it just went down your pants...I'll get it." Try any of those, and you'll do fine.....hey, every time I pull into a High school parking lot, it works WONDERS!! Time for the kid to hit the bricks. I'm running so late that I think it's time to start writing next week's column. Good Lord. Speaking of which, I'm going to make a more concerted effort to bang these things out on time and more consistently. Last week was impossible because that huge snowstorm we had knocked my phone line off and they wouldn't re[pair it until I clear away a few outstanding bills....it was a whole big thing. I was late THIS week because I had to bury my Grandmother on Tuesday.....so my Monday night was spent sneaking into the morgue and getting in one last hump...then I had to redo her makeup...it took all night. Oh yeah, please read that special Mop-Up or the first Wrestlemania that Al posted. Considering that I really don't do a lot of bonus stuff for the site, it would be appreciated if you checked out the ones I do....umm....do. I'll be here next week......looking at the mighty Wrestlemania 15 and a few other things that you'll either love or despise. Like I really care. Just keep bringing signs with my name on them to the shows and I'll keep banging these things out from time to time. You can all snap my red herring This is Hyatte Chris Hyatte
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