Raw Mop Up ... by Chris Hyatte
Well, it's that time again...3/25/99
Mop-Up RAW
(NOTE: I missed last week because my phone went down on Sunday and stayed down until Friday....no phone=no Internet access. I was ripped because I really wanted to do a St. Patty's Day column! So, let's just pretend that THIS week has St. Patty's Day and I can go about my business of offending the Irish...and getting nicely tanked during the progress of this column. I'll explain why I'm late again this week after the closer.)
"I have a hard time reading your column, you complain about Nitro being full of bull**it and not enough wrestling, your column certainly reflects that, all your stupid jokes ruin it, theres no wrestling in your coloumn, just 2 pages of nothing. I agree w/ you that Nitro totally blows. I love goldberg though, i dont understand why you dont. He is something the sport needs, a superhero, like Hogan was a long time ago. Austin's antics are great with his beer drinking and everything, but in the ring he is as boring as any WCW wrestler. If the WWF could grab Goldberg and get Bret Hart back, the WCW would disappear. No one wants to watch Hogan anymore. Hope to hear from you, I look forward to reading your stuff again soon"
Oca49@aol.com: Either a complete schizo or the dumbest kid alive.....possibly both
"You should put older Mop-Ups up if you don't have a column. Start with the first Mop-Up ever. You could call it: "From Tuesday to Thursday - The Evolution of the Mop Up."
Cessna ecessna@execpc.com: Long time reader and fuc**ng wise ass
Friggin' dink.....this is the Mop-Up and I am Chris. Yes, it's Thursday....yes..it's late, but'cha know what? I DON'T CARE!!!! It's Saint Patty's day by God!! I got some reveling and some merrymaking to get to. In fact, for today, I am no longer "Chris Hyatte"...for today, in celebration of this blessed occasion, I am herebye rechristening myself, PHIL McCOCK!!! Beggorah ye lads, "tis the one night of the year where it's legal to get sloshed out of ye knickers and puke in the street. It's the St. Patty's Day edition of the Mop-Up ye tally wankers....so let's taste a little grape, sip on a little Ale, and pee in our pants. The Bass is cold, the puke bucket is nearby, and all the scrags are looking REAL good now. Faith and Beejesus...LET THE COLUMN BEGIN ME LADS
I picked up the latest issue of Maxim (I was just recently turned on to them.....jeeze, talk about a magazine that's right up my alley) they had a piece on pro wrestling. While I won't get into the article, I wanted to re-print a little sidebar thing they ran with Austin and Goldberg. Since nobody else on the web mentioned this, I guess it's up to me...
Austin on Goldberg, "(He's) a carbon copy of me. But his character is not nearly as developed. One day, he'll be here and we'll get it on."
Goldberg on Austin, "Steve Austin is one of the best promo guys in the world, but he can't do one thing I can do in the ring."
UNTRUE!!! Austin can spit and awkwardly stare into the camera in the middle of his matches as well as ANYONE.....f-you. Anyone else bothered by Goldberg's attitude this early in his career?
Two more pieces of business: First, this week's TV Guide covers feature Austin, the Rock, Mankind, and Sable (I bought the one with Mankind). Anyone remember the LAST time TV Guide ran 4 separate covers of wrestlers? Remember when two WCW wrestlers were used to help keep the balance?? Not this time. Funny, how the WWF seems to be pulling away from WCW isn't it?
FINALLY....I received something in the mail from a reader...if she could send me her last name, I would properly thank her. Yes...it's a SHE!!! No..it's not anything of a sexual nature......perverts.
FINALLY part deux.....I am seriously considering going to Philadelphia for that big SCOOPS "BREAK THE BARRIER" shindig. IF I do go (and it all depends on my financial base at the time), it will be the first time I ever went ANYWHERE as Chris Hyatte. I'm not dumb enough to think that announcing this would inspire ANYONE into going, but I do encourage you to show up, enjoy the show, then meet me at some bar afterwards and see that "King Hyatte" is really a pretty cool, laid back dude. Besides, if Scherer shows up (fat chance), you can look forward to me spitting in his wrinkly face and seeing if he has the balls to take a swing.
And of course, just like here on the net...I plan on ignoring all the other SCOOPS columnists...except for Al, who will probably be too busy to talk to anyone anyway.
Maybe I'll get into the ring and be the SCOOPS WORLD CHAMPION and defend my title against anybo.....naaah...that's too stupid an idea...even for me. Umm..anything else? No, not really. Let's get to it. It the one day of the year where EVERYBODY becomes Irish.....you know...get drunk, get stupid, become impotent, drool on cute girls....pee on your shoes....worship Jimmy Doohan. Wanna piss off an Irish man? Tell them how much you love the bagpipes. Bagpipes are a Scottish thing......and even though the rest of the free speaking world has no care or clue about the difference between the two countries, it's drive them buggers if you mix the two.
Hey, quick....how is the Loch Ness Monster like an Irishman with a hardon?
NOBODY'S SEEN EITHER!!!!!!!!!!
Hey quick......what's long, drunk, and useless?
IRELAND!!!!!!!!!! Hey quick.....name Ireland's worst male porn star?
SEAN O'FLACCID!!!
Hey quick.....what do you call a cop on the take?
IRISH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hey quick......what do you call a talentless Irish Internet writer with a huge Barbie collection??
SEAN SHANNON!!!!!!!!!
(my apologies for that...I couldn't resist....I really don't want to start this thing over again...what would be the point?)
Hey quick....what do you call an Irish homosexual?
REDUNDANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(or see the previous answer......again, my apologies)
Uh...I'd best quit while I'm ahead...hey, I'm half Irish...so I can say these things! I'm also a quarter black, a quarter Jew, and 10% Muslim. So I'm covered at every turn.
RAW IS WAR (or:Giant, meet Stone Cold...now lay down)
In honor of ye mighty St. Patty's Day, I think I shall give a gift to that fine laddy by the name of Patrick O'Patterson and lay off him for the night. This is Patty's day after all...and he has been very, and I mean VERY good to me and this column with his antics....so we will cut him a break tonight and leave him alone! I'M YER INTERNET LEPRECHAUN THIS WEEK PATTY OL' BOY!!!!!!! YOU GET A FREE PASS!!!!! NOW GO GET DRUNK AND DRINK YERSELF STUPID BOYO!!!!
-opens with a backstage shot of "Stone Cold" Steve Austin coming into the building. He passes by a COORS LIGHT truck and looks at it lovingly. I was half expecting Austin to turn to the camera and say, "Coors Light! Hell, it's brewed from fresh ingredients and aged to perfection! Get you're ass to the nearest store and get yourself a case of Coors Light! You'll be glad you did. And tell "em Stone Cold sent ya!" Then he'd produce a can of beer, drink a gulp, then smile his pearly whites......with one tooth briefly sparkling complete with a "ting" sound. Hey, gotta keep them sponsors happy, happy, HAPPY you know! Even Stone Cold is not beneath corporate shilling!
-Speaking of which..please click the (fine, upstanding, AMERICAN product) banner above me and experience the (fine, upstanding, AMERICAN product) that they are sold for a low, low price! Remember, Chris Hyatte cannot LIVE without a daily dose of (fine, upstanding, AMERICAN product), who are kind enough to advertise in my column and NEITHER SHOULD YOU!!
-The Coors Light truck driver asked Austin for an autograph. Stone Cold was MUCH too busy to give him the 5 seconds it would take to scribble down his name on a piece of paper, but brought the driver in with him for some sort of plan......some sort of......devious plan.
-opening theme....uh oh...Road Warrior Hawk is back in the montage.....looks like the re-signed.
-It just occurred to me..there is NO shot of Owen Hart in the opening theme. Shows how much Vince respects loyalty doesn't he? THAT HEARTLESS BASTARD!!!!!!
-ooops...sorry I am still in my Wrestlemania 1 Mop-Up mode........it was 15 years ago...Vince is gooood now...Vince is gooood now..........
-We are in Albany, New York at the Pepsi Arena. It's the second best arena in Albany!!
-Signs are everywhere..including a great many STUPID ones....."Mom 3:16", "BIG-T", "ZANG", "DOOZY LIVE ON RAW".....who is Doozy and who the f**k CARES?
-Last week, there was a "CRZ RULES" on RAW...I can honestly say that I did NOT take the week off just so I didn't have to comment on that...even though I did laugh when he suggested that I did. In fact, it was the first time I laughed at pretty much anything I said. One guy once told me that CRZ is funny because...and I quote..."you have to THINK about his jokes in order to get them"......I'm not quite sure if that is a compliment....but whatever whips your cream.
-By the way, last week I also GLIMPSED a sign that read, "HEY GOLDUST, IT'S OVER!! HYATTE RULES".......THANK YOU MY FRIEND!!!!!!!! YEEEEEEAAAAHHHHHHHH IT'S BEEN TO F-ING LONG!!!!!!! AND WHENEVER THERE IS A CRZ SIGN SPOTTED, THERE SHOULD ALWAYS BE A HYATTE SIGN TO REDEEM THE SHOW QUALITY!!!
-Remember....I'm the COOL one "round these parts.
-and here come the hate letters.
-Jerry Lawler is there (CHEERS)
-Michael Cole is there too (JEERS)
-I really don't like that song, "No Chance in Hell"......but we get to hear it anyway as...
-Out comes The Rock, along with Vincent K. (UT will NOT hypnotize my rug into doing his satanic bidding) McMahon and his son, Shane (If Bischoff can do it, why can't I?) McMahon. Thus begins the ritualistic OPENING 20 MINUTES OF AIRTIME TO SET UP THE LAST 10.
-Vince waits until the fans remember to chant "ASSHOLE"......then waits until they finish. He says something.
-Then Shane grabs the mic and challenges X-Pac to a "Greenwich Street Fight" for later tonight....it's all about the buyrates people.....get our asses psyched for the big dance.
-Vince then accuses Austin and the Undertaker of working together to divide his attention...and also to set up some POST Wrestlemania angle nonsense (Oh God...it never ends does it? IT NEVER FUC**NG ENDS!!!!!!!)
-Then the Rock preached on, reaching deep into his bag of clichés about how Austin won't be checking out of the Smack Down Hotel with any sort of gold.
-WHO IS REED AND WHY THE CHRIST IS HE GOD???????????? Has Goldberg been informed of this?
-As the Rock spoke, we saw Austin watching this on a monitor...then we later saw him leave.
-Vince took the mic again and said that the Rock would be a guest ref during the Austin/"Big Show" Paul Wight match tonight.
-Which of course, brought out Mankind....who said that since he was the best referee there ever WAS, TBRT IS, and TBRT WILL EVER BE.....you know the rest...
-or maybe you don't....but why would you wait until THURSDAY to know what happened? What are you? a GEEK?
-Mankind challenged the Rock to a match tonight to see who would referee tonight's main event.....I will never see the logic in this. Why does Foley care about refereeing so much?
-The Rock told him to kiss his ass....Mankind said that he gave that up for lent.....I would toss in a Patterson joke here..but I said that I'm giving him the week off.....F-YOU!!
-Oh jeeze...talk about lazy scriptwriting......Mankind produced a contract signed by Absent Commissioner Shawn Michaels that said this match would go down....oy vey.
-Mankind walked away...his role in this particular play is over.......Vince took the mic and ate up a little time so that....
-Steve Austin's music could kick up......
-Then Austin went through the entrance way driving that BIG COORS LIGHT TRUCK!! The damn thing almost knocked off the Titan Tron..which would have been way cool to see. Can you imagine the time it would take for them to clean that up?
-The truck stopped inches from the ring...Austin climbed out and climbed to the roof bed. He conducted his entire monologue from the roof.
-Austin advised the Rock to lay off the "nursery rhymes" because he was fixin' to go down to Philly, "check into the Smack Down Hotel, roll into room 3:16, and burn the sumbitch DOWN!" (It was kind of cool, they way he said that).
-You know, last year..it was sort of a given that Austin would beat Michaels for the WWF strap....Shawn's back was really F-ed up (still is, in fact) and everything was being geared for the new Austin era. This year...I don't know...I'm not so sure if Stone Cold is set to take the belt......Vince has pulled off too many shockers lately to set this puppy in stone. Need I remind you of the Survivor Series? When everyone thought the Rock was the People's Champ, then they totally swerved us and he became the "Corporate champ" instead? Never underestimate the WWF booking strategies, people.
-Hell, I'm half expecting Mankind to go corporate and screw Austin out of a title win. That way, Maivia and Paul Wight can fight for a few PPV's
-Anywhoo...all that line reading made Austin a little thirsty...thank GOD there was some cold COORS LIGHT (proud sponsor of the WWF RAW......those Godless Fascists at Nitro drink Molson) right beneath him.
-The Rock started to lecture Austin on some silliness...next thing we know...
-Austin has a firehose and is spraying everyone in the ring with beer......at least I think it was beer.....I can't exactly smell it you know.....but this is the NEW WWF (Get it?)...so it probably IS beer.
-Hey kids..if you or anyone you know were in the first few rows during this incident....and you or anyone you know are a recovering alcoholic....well then, you have grounds for a MAJOR lawsuit against the WWF....just run down to your local liquor store, go get yourselves nicely quiffed every day for a month..then go to a lawyer and blame Titan for dangling the apple too close...Hell, you can say that you were sprayed with some beer and the temptation was too much.....go for it ya' drunkards...people have won MILLIONS for much, much less.
-Bonus points if you were a MEAN drunk.....go beat up your wife and/or children...little brats deserve it anyway. Smack them around and GET RICH!!!!!
-Just remember...send a little taste to Hyatte...your friendly, neighborhood opportunist
- Austin sprayed them down...God Bless Vince for flapping around in the middle of the ring and taking the brunt of it.....Shane ran away like a little girl.
-Austin got back on the roof and downed a pair of cans......now the Giant has to job to a drunk guy.....there is no justice in wrestling.
-Lawler and Cole talked up the night....all the usual suspects doing all the usual things...
-We see Deborah lovingly buttoning her top up and lovingly admiring her breasts.....meanwhile, Mongo McMichael's found a clump of his own hair on his pillow this morning.
-"La Femme Nikita" has a love seen with that hot little blonde chick with lots of tongue.......on the night of Wrestlemania......it's not fair, dammit.
-commercials
-footage of what just happened...in case you were too engrossed in that 8 man Luchador match to turn the dial.
-Deborah brought out Jeff Jarrett and Owen Hart.....we are told that Public Enemy are a pair of guys UNWANTED in the WWF......yet Dennis Knight is still gainfully employed.
-What the flying frig is this????
-A JR is War Frat Party?
-JR is WAR?
-FRAT PARTY???
-FRAT???????
-PARTY??????????
-Jesus on a Popsicle stick!!!!!!!!!! MY GOD, THEY RIP OFF EVERYTHING!!!!!!
-MY GOD, OH GOD!!!!!! WHY ARE THEY RIPPING OFF THE NITRO PARTY???????????
-TERRY TAYLOR IS TRYING TO RUIN THE WWF FROM WITHIN!!!!! IT'S A CONPIRACY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-JR and Steve Williams are there to "raise a little hell" for this party...the camera starts pulling in on JR's face...PULL BACK, PULL BACK DAMN YOU!!!!!!!!
-I'm sorry to have said that...but I am thinking of the children.
-The Brood come out to take on the tag champs......Gangrel has yet to lose that retarded grin of his. Of course, I'd be smiling too if my wife was suddenly fired from my place of business...now he can have some REAL fun.....PAT STYLE
-Oh F-YOU....it was just one...and not even a funny one. Suck me
-They tussled for a while...then Public Enemy ran in for no real reason other than to elicit the screwjob and keep all egos intact.
-Then the lights dimmed......looks like Jarrett's gonna get some....or maybe that no good Owen hart...who deserves it because he's a FILTHY CANADIAN!!!!!
-The lights went back up....
-We see Deborah covered in blood.....the Brood strikes again!
-Either that or her maxi pad exploded.....NO WONDER MONGO DIVORCED HER!!!!!! SLEEPING WITH DEBORAH MUST HAVE BEEN LIKE SWIMMING THE ENGLISH CHANNEL????
-Whoa....how many times did Mongo almost drown I wonder?
-Seriously though, once a month she could rent herself out to a fire station....for 3 days they could conserve their water and plug the hose right into her (EDITED BY SCOOPS...AND MAY WE REMIND HYATTE THAT SCOOPS NEW RAW RECAPPER HANDS HIS COLUMNS IN ON TIME AND WITHOUT THESE DISGUSTING WOULD BE JOKES) grease up that pole something FIERCE by God!!!
-Owen and Jarrett lead Deborah away. And not a moment too soon.
-Some young geek from the WWF website (bet'cha HE doesn't have something lame like the "Deli Special of the day"......bet'cha HE doesn't have a girlfriend either......then again, neither do I......and I call myself the King.......my God...I'M THE BIGGEST NERD OF THEM ALL!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? I swear...that notion just dawned on me just now) talked to Road Dog and Bad Ass. They are wrestling each other tonight. Road Dog went a little nutso and spelled out every word in his diatribe.
-commercials
Chris Hyatte
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