Raw Mop Up ... by Chris Hyatte

Well, it's that time again...again...3/25/99 Mop-Up RAW (cont) -I meant to ask this last week......exactly who is Road Dog blowing? I mean, this guy's push hasn't stopped even once in the past year plus!! Meanwhile, Brad Armstrong just learned that he will get to pin the Disciple on next week's "WCW Worldwide"....BULLY FOR HIM!!!! -Backstage, Vince is trying to get Shane mentally prepared for his match tonight with X-Pac...then sends Patterson and Brisco out for coffee....I'm sure I could toss in the old one about Pat supplying his special brand of creme.....but I made a promise this week. -and yes...creme is intentional....."cream" just doesn't have that kick...it's like using the word "theatre" instead of "theater"...say..is this what my critics mean when they say I ramble? -Road Dog came out and did his thing.......it took a while -Bad Ass came out and did HIS thing....it didn't take nearly as long. -I went to the can to send a package to Hong Kong .......it took a YEAR, it seemed....felt like I crapped a brick. -Remember...these two guys may be LIFELONG PARTNERS AND TEAMMATES UNTIL THE BITTER END!!!!!! But they are still COMPETITORS and will battle each other with EVERY LAST DROP OF ENERGY until one of them walks out the winner. Titles mean nothing, fame means even less..nay..these warriors battle not for purse, BUT FOR THE EXHILIRATING THRILL THAT COMES JUST AS THE REFEREE RAISES THEIR HAND IN VICTORY!!!!!!!!!!!! THIS IS WHAT WREWSTLING IS ABOUT!!!!!! PARTNERS BE DAMNED...THEIR IS PRIDE ON THE LINE!!!!!!! -Well....Road Dog did bet Droz 5 ounces of Hash that he'd win the thing...so he had a little bit more incentive. -alas....nobody's hand was raised....instead, Al Snow, Val Venis, and Goldust ran in to break it up. Just as Bad Ass was about to procure the win. No victor claimed and Road Dog was buying his own pot tonight.....ah well. -Gunn did extend the IC belt to Road Dog and vice/versa...proving that even in the bloodless world of pro wrestling...LOVE CONQUORS ALL!!!!!! -Patterson and Brisco were busy getting Vince his coffee. Apparently, Vince likes his coffee like he likes his jobbers....black. (Hey, the UNPREDICTABLE JOHNNY RODZ never caught a break..not once). Then they saw something off camera coming towards them. Both men backed up saying, "Oh no, please no..they made us do it...please no!!!" (Who could it be? The Ministry? Pat Buchanan? The Fake Razor and Diesel?) -commercials -We see that it was Hawk and Animal...back to the WWF with Paul Ellering by their side.....I refuse to jump the gun here until I get a better look, but Hawk looks like he lost a few pounds...one can only hope. -Animal was wearing a yellow WWF: ATTITUDE" shirt.......he must have demanded perks in his new contract. -The Blue Meanie came to the ring with a chair. He wanted Shamrock to come on out and get a spanking..... -So out came Ryan Shamrock......looking like she wanted some. Lawler called her the "World's Most Dangerous Sister"....funny, I thought that distinction belonged to Oprah? -Ryan Shamrock is Goddam HOT!!!!! And she's a bonafide SLUT!!! making her 9 times hotter than WCW's Sam.......and yes, that is even after I saw her in a bikini....I still think Sam looks like your standard, average Cinemax After Hours B-Movie chick. -BM almost spanked her....then Ken Shamrock ran in (I truly doubt that they are related).....then Goldust ran in....then Shamrock snapped....then Goldust and his two people ran away...then Shamrock ran after them...all the while Ryan displayed her remarkable talent of never losing her smile. -Back to the......ugh....JR is WAR Frat F'K'N party.....good Lord. I hear that since Rikki Ractman was booked, they were going to hire Adam Curry to host the jam..but cooler heads prevailed. -CLOSEUP ON ROSS'S FACE!!!!!!!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! -My deepest apologizes for that. -Ross asked where the girls were.....I am asking why there weren't any black people there....DID TAYLOR BOOK THIS FRAT PARTY????? WHY ISN'T TEDDY LONG DOING ANYTHING ABOUT THIS????????? -The sad thing is that even though I'm the one calling attention to this....I'M the one who'll be called a racist! -we see Sable get gussied up for the next segment. -Foley's Chef Boyardee commercials..complete with various animals from the Jungle -Black and white shot of a house with the name "Cleavage" on the mailbox....looks like they're getting ready for another tried and true BIT destined to send Bob Ryder running for his keyboard in a fit of offended rage and archaic morals. -The Undertaker just arrived -Backstage fun with Vince, Shane, Pat, and Jerry......doesn't that sound like the name of a gay porn flick? That is NOT a Pat joke by the way! -Sable comes out...Cole barks that her Playboy is the "Hottest selling Playboy in 15 years"...I can proudly say that I do not own a single copy. -Sable thanked the "girls who want to be me and the men who come to see me"......her, not me.....there isn't a chick on this planet who would want to be Hyatte.....trust me, I asked them ALL. -Ivory came out with D-Lo. D-Lo took a spot at the announce booth and said that he wanted to send a shout out to Sexual Chocolate before "they got dis party started" (WHOO HOO now the party is RERALLY about to start...I'll put my Brian Austin Greene CD on and we can get groovin') -It's a wrestling match between the two girls....then the estrogen factor kicked up when... -Terri Runnels and Jacqueline came out to give D-Lo some crap.......... -.................................................... -................................................................... -.................................................... -I believe I speak for everyone when I say -WHY THE HELL ARE THEY STILL RUNNING THIS FUC**NG ANGLE?????? -Jesus.....the point being? -Well, the point being so get Terri and Jacqueline out there in tank tops.....Jeezus they look good. -BUT....and this is for all you WCW fans out there....Sam is MUCH hotter than either of them..and Ivory too. -WELL......Sam is TIED with Terri...how's that? Terri loses big points because we know she's married (unless that marriage broke up without my knowledge or permission) and she has a kid (all these broads do nowadays...it's like an epidemic). -D-Lo called Terri a "$2 dollar slutty ass".......oh man, one could only hope it only costs two dollars to get a piece of that boot pie. -Terri slapped D-Lo...meanwhile, Sable and Ivory were having a pretty good match (for girls at least)...you have to give a girl credit just for performing a Sable Bomb....and there ain't nothing wrong with that Sable Dance she does now. -Torrie showed up after Sable pinned what's her face....seeing how all roads lead to WM, you can figure out what happened next. -commercials -Tonight's WARZONE will NOT be seen tonight so we can bring you a bonus SECOND hour of RAW is WAR...and since we are kicking arse in the ratings, we may just go ahead and cancel the damn show anyway. -Mankind went to the ring to fight the Rock for the right to ref a match........stoopid, stoopid, stoopid. -The Rock came out with a shirt on to hide his Samoan bitch tits.......he may as well leave it on forever now...the look really works for him. -Cole listed all the different matches they participated in....and I, for one have yet to get sick of these two. -Cole also called this the BIGGEST RAW IN HISTORY for the second time tonight. Do I REALLY have to put a bounty on him too? I.....I....I don't want to....BUT I WILL!!!!! -Rock owned most of it.....Foley went for his version of the "Corporate Elbow"...but missed. Why is it that when Flair elbows the mat, he can get back up...but when Foley elbows the mat, he is stunned. -Nothing really special here......both guys did what they normally do...fun, but standard. -Then the ref was clotheslined down...Rock gave Mankind that DDT of his that is now the BEST DAMNED DDT IN THE BUSINESS now that Arn Anderson is out of the picture. -"The Big Show" came out just as Mr. Socko came out.......Paul Wight chokeslammed Mankind right in front of the ref....so Foley won the match on DQ..... -Geeze, first Paul Wight looked like he dropped a few pounds..now he looks as fat as a whale. -meanwhile, during this match......over on Nitro Horace was taking on Vincent. Wanna know the TRULY SAD PART IN ALL THIS? If this was one year ago....Horace/Vincent would have won the ratings against Rock/Mankind....probably by a wide margin. -commercials -The Big Shoe was busy throwing things around backstage..if you listened carefully, you could hear him mutter, "I left Eric for THIS? I left Eric for THIS???" -We see Austin pacing around backstage...near him is a sign that reads, "BEING THE BEST STILL MEANS SOMETHING AROUND HERE"............ -That could mean: -A: The management at the Pepsi Arena have a very UP personality -B: Vince likes to blow smoke up his mid carders asses (although wouldn't logic dictate that Patterson would be in charge of that?.....COME ON..THAT CAN BE VIEWED AS A VALID QUESTION!!!!!) -C: It was put up there INTENTIONALLY....and shown INTENTIONALLY as a subtle little message to WCW wrestlers who are nearing the end of their contracts....ahh....the pen of Nash doth spill much, much more than ink -Kane came out......he looks honked off -Goldust came out....he looks honked on......no, I mean it..his nose seems to have grown to epical (stealing a word from the Ultimate Warrior's vocabulary) proportions..... -wait a second...IT'S NOT GOLDUST!!!!!!!! IT'S TRIPLE H!!!!!!! I SAW IT 5 SECONDS INTO HIS ENTRANCE!!!! -Of course...Cole didn't.....rat bastard.....he's really starting to piss me off. I wonder if he has a son? -Anywhoo....Triple Goldust enters the ring...produces a big gun from under his robe... -and blows a fireball into Kane's face....I DEFY anyone watching not to be impressed with them pyrotechnics and the trickery involved. It was a STELLAR shot. -Goldust ripped off his clothes and much to Cole's shock...revealed himself to be Triple H...he kicked and wailed on Kane for a bit....and chased off some referees who came and tried to stop this. -commercials -footage of what just happened..in case you were too absorbed in Flair's lottery schtick to flip over. -back to the......nugh.....JR Frat Party......little did JR know that while he talked, a couple of those punks were putting their cigars out on his numbed up cheek....those CRUEL BASTARDS!!!!!!!!!!! -Then Hardcore Holly (I smell a gang bang) showed up and proceeded to brawl with Williams all over the frat house.......the problem here is that in these tight quarters with the camera so close into the action....it's kind of tough to make this look real. Well, that an the fact that Williams hit Holly with a bag of FROZEN VEGETABLES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -They DID tear up the place though......which makes me think that all this was nothing but a gigantic goof on all those ridiculous Nitro parties. -Foley and Austin were backstage chatting.....much like an abused child, Foley looks for love from Austin and gets an earful of bile instead. -Shane McMahon is on his way outside for a little streetfight....country club style. -commercials -Just a reminder...TV Guide has four different NEWSTAND covers of WWF stars.....and not a single WCWer can be found.....but don't worry, WCW fans...Eric says that come April, when the WWF advertisers have to re-sign new contracts with them.....a great many of them will be SO turned off by the WWF product that they will ABANDON THE COMPANY IN DROVES and run...nay...FLEE to the G-rated family funfest that is Monday Nitro!! Ratings, shmatings....ADVERTISERS CARE FOR MORALS AND DECENCY!!! Not something so petty and shallow as money! -Shane is outside and ready.... -X-Pac comes out....let's get it on! -Shane goes for a punch...X-Pac ducks it, then swings around and kicks the kid square in the head....Shane goes down... -Suddenly...X-Pac is bum rushed by 4-5 guys...they slam him against the garage wall.... -Of course, it's Shane's boys from Greenwich...the "Greenwich Posse" is the names....I recognize that no good punk with the blonde crowned head from ANYWHERE!! -The pin X-Pac down....then Shane runs over and punches him in the nuts. Then they all get into their two sports cars....(I'm pretty sure they were Corvettes) and took off with X-Pac chasing them.....there was a GREAT shot of Shane up through the sun roof yelling at X-Pac as the car sped off. I'll tell you whut....the Greenwich Posse could very well be as over as the old NWO if they handle them just right.....this could be a GREAT heel unit. -The Undertaker is looking down into the camera...but I can't quite figure out the position......then it hits me.... -Oh good Lord......the WWF has done it again!!!! They've managed to shock us once MORE!!!!! -The positioning of the camera can only mean one thing....it's located on the Undertaker's PECKER!!!!!!!!! IT'S THE PECKER CAM!!!!!! THIS ADULT ENTERTAINMENT BUSINESS HAS GONE TOO FAR!!!!!!!!! -AND NOTICE!!!!! The UT then rolls his eyes back and sneers...then the camera moves in closer and closer....WHAT COULD HE POSSIBLY BE DOING TO GET HIS PECKER CAM CLOSER TO HIS FACE?????? AND WHY DOES IT MAKE HIM ROLL HIS EYES BACK AND SNEER????? -The Big Bossman, Test, and Ken Shamrock all come out...Shamrock looked like someone just replaced the coffee he usually drinks with Folger's Instant. Test looked amazed that he was there (as am I.....he's not exactly proving himself.....nor does he have any sort of personality)...Bossman just looked thrilled that he won't ever have to be spraypainted ever again. -The Undertaker came out with Faarooq and Bradshaw...Cole called the Undertaker the "Greatest Superstar in the History of the World Wrestling Federation"........translation...he's been there a LOOOOOOONG time...since 1990 kids...missing very few PPV's too. -How evil is the Undertaker? He was the one who PLANTED that cancer into Gene Siskel's head. He is so EVIL!! BAD, BAD!!! VERY BAD!!!!! -Basically this was yer run of the mil 6 man brawl that went nowhere and stayed nowhere.....then the lights dimmed and they cut to.. -commercials -I want to say something about the UT/Bossman cage match. I heard through letters and various web sites that people are questioning the.motivations behind putting Bossman in a Hell in the Cell match....quite possibly the greatest cage concept ever. Why put Bossman, a known 80's holdover into a very 90's type of scenario? I have a very easy answer for you...I have a pair of easy answers in fact: -1: This is easy...because UT needs a WM slot..and as this current UT vs Vince angle picks up full steam after WM.....it wouldn't be prudent to give him a loss this early into his new Heel gimmick. Plus, the Bossman is a veteran, who knows how to work a cage match better than anyone else in the corporation, and can lose a match without losing much, if any heat from the public. -2: This is something you might have not thought of yet....this could be the Bossman's big chance! He was at WCW for a while, and nearly destroyed his career with stupid gimmicks and ridiculous angles. Vince brought him back into the WWF.....now he has a chance to really show that he can adept to the harder style of the 90's by working the hardest cage of them all. I think that this is the Bossman's opportunity to prove himself BIG TIME as someone who can work in this new age of wrestling as a 90's worker...and not an 80's relic using moves that were old a decade ago. Everyone says that Vince gives his talent the opportunity to shine...I think that this is the Bossman's biggest shot of his life...I'm looking forward to see what he does. -Vince McMahon comes out without a shirt but with his sports jacket on...he looks like an old Chippendale's dancer who came out for "just one more dance!" -Vince angrily demands that they show the footage from when Austin hosed them down again.....presumably because he had a point to make. -Well, he sort of did......he said that Austin had "No chance in Hell" in winning the strap next week...in fact, Vince GUARENTEED that Austin wouldn't win it. (I would tend to believe that. -Then Vince brought out the Rock as guest commentator......Cole stated that they were fresh out of commercials for tonight and were going to run straight through until the end. I don't know if I ever said this, so I'll say it now...that idea of running the last 10 minutes commercial free was a brilliant move and I believe it did a LOT more to help those ratings overtake Nitro than you'd might think. -Vince then brought out the Big Show Paul Wight....I have no idea what was wrong with "The Big Nasty"....but "Show" will grow on me just as well I guess. -Then Mankind came out.... -Then Austin came out....the Rock set himself up next to Cole. -The bell rang...Wight got a pair of middle fingers to welcome him to his first WWF singles match.......sorry big guy, but it's pretty much scripture now. -I'll pepper in some witty Rockisms during the match recap... -Austin and Wight did a little face off at the beginning...the diatribe went like this (you can thank my lip reading skills for this...) -Austin, "You're one big mother f**ker ain't ya?" -Wight, "Where's your tattoo?" -Austin, "It's right here above my ankle!" -Wight, "No, I mean the one on your shoulder?" -Austin, "What the f**k are you talking about?" -Wight, "That big tribal print that was on your shoulder? And why are you so small? Did you stop juicing for a while? Are you off cycle?" -Austin, "YA' GOOFY ASS BIG, STUPID MOTHER F**KING JACKASS!!! YOU GOT THE WRONG GUY!!! -Wight, "OH SHIT!!! That's right..I forgot. You're the one who isn't Jewish right?" -Austin, "F**k you" -Then Austin hit him....and so it began. -Cole, "Paul Wight laying the smack down on Austin in the corn..." -Rock, "Hey you, shut up!! There's only one person who can lay the smack down on anyone............you piece of trash!!" -Wight pressed his boot against Austin's face. Austin kicked him down below, then tried to drag his legs around the corner post...Wight kicked/pushed him into the seats. -Mankind jumped on Wight's back when Wight wouldn't let go of a choke on Austin outside.....Wight went back into the ring...a box of popcorn hit Wight from behind....the crowd popped...Wight was visibly embarrassed. -Austin tore off a turnbuckle pad......but Wight ended up shoving him into the corner instead. -Rock to Cole, "How "bout you get the Rock Bottom Special, compliments of the Rock's foot in your ass?" -Rock, "Michael Cole, you are forcing the Rock to lay the smacketh down on your candy ass!" -Rock, "You shut up!! This is the Rock's show, right now, ratings through the roof, the Rock is on commentary!!" -Meanwhile, Wight was tuning on Austin...he lifted him up Gorilla slam style....then dropped him straight down....this was all on the outside floor. -Bearhug by Wight.......a good 3 minute hug at that. -Austin hit the Lou Thesz press.....then went for the pin. Wight layed out for two, then remembered that this was NOT the Spear, and kicked out. -Austin chaired Wight's leg twice..then chaired his head twice too.... -Kick, stunner...pin... -WHAT DID YOU THINK PAULY BABY????? LET THIS BE A LESSEN TO ALL WCW-ERS WHO JUMP SHIP TO TITAN LAND.....NO MATTER HOW BIG YOU ARE, ARE POPULAR YOU WERE OVER IN BISCHOFF LAND.....EVERYBODY, AND I MEAN EVERYBODY..LAYS DOWN FOR "STONE COLD" STEVE AUSTIN BABY!!!!!!!!!! AW HELL YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HEY NASH!! THAT MEAN YOU TOO YA BIG MONKEY!!! AND HOGAN, AW YOU BETTER BELIEVE IT MISTER NANNY!!!!! COME BACK HOME TO THE WWF AND I CAN PROMISE YOU THAT YOUR SHOULDERS WILL BE SQUARE ON THE GROUND FOR THOSE BIG 3 SECONDS!!!! -Wight was PISSED...so much so that he got up immediately after being pinned. -The show ended with the Rock staring out into the crowd after getting in there and dropping Austin with the Rock Bottom. Thus, the final big rush to sell Wrestlemania came to a close. Yep, they sure did their job admirably. Good, solid, enjoyable show. Every match, every angle served to hype up some WM angle....except for the Bart Gunn/Butterbean match...what happened there? While there have certainly been more eagerly awaited WM's, this is the first one in a while that isn't hurting from the lack of talent that Bischoff had hired away. This is a fully loaded card, top to bottom..it should be a blast. Oh right...there's a WCW show to look at tonight too...we'd better get going....well, YOU'D better get going...I already went there....I already know what I said. Oh...F-You all. Chris Hyatte
Go To Page 1