Mop-Up Nitro Recap & Review of March 27's edition of WCW Nitro (TNT) by Chris Hyatte I guess by now you know that Eric Bischoff is back. WCW guys (Ryder) are already eulogizing the WWF. It's over. Eric took WCW up to unrivaled heights once before, dammit, he's gonna do it AGAIN!!!!!! a-hem... much as I HATE to piss on anyone's celebration, before you start celebrating the fall of the WWF... might I remind you of a few things in my nifty little FACT/CONCLUSION set up that I don't do nearly enough: FACT: When Nitro first came on, RAW was running one hour shows with month old material. FACT: At the time, Wrestling was at an all time low, popularity wise FACT: The WWF had HBK, Diesel, Razor Ramon, The Undertaker, and Bret Hart as their five "main" guys FACT: WCW Snatched away Diesel and Ramon, and Hart was on "vacation". Leaving the WWF with 2 main guys. FACT: The WWF really sucked at this time. FACT: Hogan turned bad (his idea), Bischoff formed the "NWO" (stolen from a Japanese idea), the imagination of the world was captured FACT: The WWF kept right on sucking. There went the ratings. FACT: Bischoff kept Sting in the rafters for 18 months and ended EVERY Nitro with some NWO beatdown and Hogan calling himself "God". FACT: Steve Austin emerged. The WWF still sucked. FACT: NWO beatdown, week after week, after week. The WWF improved. FACT: The WWF improved. WCW started to suck FACT: Bret Hart was screwed right out of the WWF. Vince McMahon became a "Heel Promoter". Austin became red hot. NWO beatdown week after week after week. FACT: WCW started to suck. The WWF became awesome. Bischoff had no idea how to turn this thing around. FACT: WWF wins in the ratings. They keep on winning right up until today. Conclusion: THE WWF HAS GOT TO START SUCKING BEFORE WCW CAN TURN AROUND!!!!!!!!! Face it folks, that ain't gonna happen anytime soon. The company is doing better than ever and we STILL haven't seen hide nor hair of either Austin or the Undertaker. Plus, the last time, WCW caught the WWF from behind. Vince was too cocky to see them coming. Do you REALLY think someone like Jim Ross will let WCW make ANY headway against them? Most of the WWF's big names are locked up in multi-year contracts, there will be NO Nash and Hall-like sign aways for quite some time. So put those corks back in the bottles and take off those dancing shoes, kids. The WWF ain't leaving the ratings perch for quite a while. NITRO: (or Last Blast for Team Sullivan) -opens with ending to "E.R.": The First Season. Ooo, it the one where a Fortune Teller tells Doug Ross that he's only three years away from helping Schumacher kill the "Batman" franchise. Blink and you'll miss the scene where a patient looks at Dr. Green and says, "Hey Goose, Tom Cruise gets 20 million a picture now!". Green gets pissed, screams "CLEAR", and shocked that mouthy Extra until his nuts explode. -WCW Logo: "And now... the end is near... and so I faced... the final curtain..." -WAIT!!!! That logo was a Bischoff creation. It'll stay. -By the way, remember how GREAT Bischoff and Flair got along before? I think that by September at the LATEST, Flair will be groaning for a contract release again. -An overhead shot, a VERY overhead shot, either from a Blimp or a Helicopter, shows that Nitro STILL PACKS THEM IN whenever they do a show at a beach filled with drunk college girls with Bikini tops. -The place is PACKED!!!! There's gotta be maybe 4'000 people there! -Tony Schiavone is there, to tell us that it is "Spring Break Time at South Padre Island, South Texas, in the Rio Grande Valley!!!!" (Uh oh... Drunk College girls on an island filled with horny Southern "Priests"? Not even the Pope will be able to absolve the sinning that's gonna go down here) -Brings a new meaning to the phrase "kneeling at Confession", now don't it? -Excuse my geographic ignorance, but since when can you get an Island in a Valley? I don't care how "Rio Grande" the Valley is. -It's Spring BREAKOUT 2000!!!!!! Courtesy of World Championship Wrestling. I wonder if they'll have that pool surrounding the ring again? I wonder if a drunk Scott Hall and a dopey Kevin Nash will do cannonballs into it again? I wonder if Sting will scale down from a Helicopter again? I wonder how long it'll take before Bischoff gets back to that endless quest of getting himself over as a legit worker? -opening theme. -Tony, with all the passion of a man who thinks that tons of enthusiasm will help break back into the 4 ratings, "WCW PRESENTS... MONDAY NITRO!!!!!!!!!!!!" -Tony claims that the fans are "jammed packed" in this outdoor venue... with no visible walls... try to figure that one out. -After promising us two hours of non-stop action, Tony sends us to, and I have NEVER heard him say this with such exuberance, "MEAN... GENE... OKERLUUUUUUUUUUUUNNND!!!!!" -Gene Okerlund is in the ring. He announces that he suddenly feels like Rodney Dangerfield. Then he shouted, "HEY EVERYBODY!!! WE'RE ALL GONNA GET LAID!!!" -Suddenly, "Journey" comes over the soundspeakers... "ANYWAY YOU WANT IT, THAT'S THE WAY YOU NEED IT, ANYWAY YOU WANT IT!!! (mad guitar bridge) "I WASN A MAN, SHE WAS A GIRL, WHAT GOOD LOVE CAN DO...OOOH THEN WE TOUCHED, THEN WE SANG... SHE DID A LOT OF THINGS....ALL NIGHT, YAAAALLL NIGHT... OH EVERY NIGHT... SO HOLD TIGHT, HOOOLD TIGHT...OH BABY HOLD TIGHT... OH" -Why the Hell, by all that is Holy, am I referencing Journey songs two columns in a row? -That's right... I am Neal Schon. It's my name, I'll spell it however I damn well want to. -From the top, Okerlund says that he feels like Rodney Dangerfield. Those damn Cops won't give him ANY respect. "I'm Sheen Ukerlnn DAMMIT!! I ushed to innerview Govna Venchurra. You take theshe cuffs hoff or I'll have your JOB!!!" -He's wearing a Hawaiian luau shirt. It used to be white, until he puked Rum all over himself. -Gene was looking at someone in the seats and said, "You must be very proud of those, young lady, thank you very much." Schiavone guffawed loudly. Between Okerlund, Tony, and Madden... which one do YOU think was looking at their first live female breast of the Millennium? -Gene wanted to introduce us to a man whom... -A) We have not seen in quite some time. -B) He is Okerlund's guest at this time. -C) He has done it all. -D) Gene had an idea that he will do it all again. -E) He has been "conspicuous" in his absence. -Bobby Duncum Jr.? I THOUGHT HE WAS DEAD? -Jake Roberts? I THOUGHT HE WAS STILL IN THAT MOTEL ROOM ON THE PIPE? -Richard Pryor? WHAT THE HELL???? -Miscues and nearly dead air follows. -OOh, Minnie Driver is on Letterman right now. Damn, she store Acorns in those cheeks or what? -I got something I'd like to store in those cheeks. -"Dear Miss Driver, I don't know if you are a fan of wrestling, but you should know that a recapper by the name of Chris Hyatte has made lewd, obnoxious, disgusting references to your mouth and cheeks. If you wish, send me the proper funds so I can sue his ass and get him OFF THE INTERNET FOREVER!!! I hope you find this abomination to good, clean wrestling fans everywhere as horrifying as I do and join my cause. Thank you. Etc...etc...etc." - "p.s. If you ever find yourself in Toledo, Ohio, and want to go out for a quiet dinner, you will not find a more respectful companion than me. Just be sure to bring a fat wallet as I am not making the killing off the Internet as I claim to be" -"p.p.s. Damon has nothing on me when it comes to French kissing. You'll find that those puffy cheeks of your are quite the match for my massive tongue." - "p.p.p.s F**K you in advance for not answering me. All you girls are the same." -Kimberly came out. just as Okerlund shouted, "I've think I've been double crossed!!!!!" Tony took one look at Kimberly's gazoombos and said that it wasn't a BAD "doublecross" Gene, "if you know what I mean!" (That made no sense... none at all) -Kimberly was wearing a thong bikini bottom. I haven't seen that much crack since Kevin Spacey's post Oscar party. -Madden, "Tony, does she know that her skirt is cut all the way up her sides?" -Tony, "*I* know it is!" -There is nothing worse than grown men with very little sexual experience acting like horny co-eds. -OH MAN, LOOK AT THOSE BOOBIES!!!! JEEZUS H CRAPOLA I'D LIKE TO CLIPS THOSE NIPS WITH BATTERY CABLES!!!!!! -Kimberly stopped Okerlund and said that she was the only person capable of making a proper introduction. Honestly, she sounds like she's up to 6 packs of Camels a day. -She introduced the "former two time, two time... etc, etc, etc" -"Diamond" Dallas Page came out. Well, he's back. -alas... time has not diminished his rugged good looks. It looks like a bus beat time to it quite nicely. -Okerlund ran through all of DDP's various projects. He's got a movie that's about to embarrass the sport, a book that'll be devoid of juicy gossip, and with Bischoff back... he looking ready for a renewed push to Jupiter. -Okerlund mentioned that Page was just on "Craig Clayborne". Let's be fair, Gene's usually on his 4th Gin and Tonic by the time Kilborn comes on. -Page said, "Good Gawd". Hundreds of Island "Padre's" heard that, took it as a sign from above, got off the passed out co-ed, grabbed their collars, and ran to the Confessionals. DDP just saved the Catholic Church!!! And he didn't have to apologize to one single Jew!!! GOD BLESS THE RAGGED OUT BASTARD!!!! -DDP said that he had blew out his back, but he's working harder than ever and when he came back, his back, is gonna be jacked. (It sounded as stupid as it looks here) -Okerlund said that they will have the premiere of "Ready to Rumble" at that Chink Theater in Hollywood. DDP called it the "biggest thing he's ever done" (at that point, a rather loud voice from Kimberly's box squeaked, "Excuse me?") -DDP sold the movie as "Wayne's World meets Wrestling"... hmm, wasn't that the tagline for "No Hold's Barred"? -This movie is going to be SO bad. You can just feel it. -DDP said that one reviewer claims that "R2R" has the "muscle to make even Janet Reno laugh". (Really? I thought declaring that Clinton did NOT whore out the White House to Rich Businessmen for a few campaign shekels was her idea of funny? That and authorizing FBI botch ups?) -I promise you... I GUARENTEE.. that EVERY SINGLE REVIEW OF "R2R" YOU SEE WILL HAVE SOME SORT OF HOKEY WRESTLING REFERENCE IN IT!!!" - Gene Shalit says, "This movie puts you in a sleeper hold and does not let go!" -Roger Ebert says, "You'll need a Referee to control the stampeding herd running out of the movie within the first 15 minutes!" -Peter Travers says, "Someone piledrive the next Producer who tries to make another wrestling movie!" -Bob Ryder says, "This will put WCW back on top and will once again make Eric Bischoff the real ‘King of the Ring'!" -Gene Siskel says, "Whoa, man. I'm glad I'm dead!" -Al Isaacs says, "I'm friends with all these guys, and with Hyatte gone SCOOPS is now the most harmless site on the Web, so I'll just say it was outstanding and leave it at that!" -DDP says that both David Arquette and Scotty Caan are "two Wayne's World type of guys". They are also classically trained actors with amazing pedrigrees. If they had any sense, they will also end up doing time in San Quentin for the murder of their agents as soon as they realize what they just made. -DDP pushes the movie some more. Then says that after the movie bombs out of the Theaters, he'll get back to this stupid rasslin' thing and blah...blah...blah -Jeff Jarrett comes out. Oh good. Let's have him smash his guitar over Kimberly's boobies and see if they move. -Jarrett said, "Cut the music, ya idiots!" I LOVE that. "Let's get one thing straight, Slappy! You ain't the damn star around here!! I am the only star around here! And it ain't gonna be long before I remind each and every one of you as to why I am the Chosen One!" (Think he's happy Russo's coming back?) -I guess headlining those last two PPV's were just practice. -Then Jarrett said something that sent shivers down my spine and sent my pecker sinking deep into my pelvis....he said that he was going to "crash" the Movie premiere in L.A. and there will most likely be an impromptu wrestling match in front of all the stars and all the media!!! "Access Hollywood", "Entertainment Tonight", and "E!" will all be there to witness white trash entertainment first hand! -Oh, this is gonna set wrestling back 15 years. -DIDN'T THEY LEARN THEIR LESSON WITH JAY LENO??????????????????? -They cut to Rikki Rachtman -No they didn't, they cut to Tony Schiavone and mark Madden. Jesus H, that's the biggest Hawaiian shirt I've ever seen! Madden must rent that shirt out to Para-sailors. -BIG match for tonight. Flair and Luger vs someone in some type of match. It'll be a hooha. -Tony told the back that he'll cut away in a minute, but first he has some HOT news to spill. In a move that is NOT A DESPERATION PLOY IN ANY WAY, SHAPE, OR FORM!!!!!! WCW head... guy, Brad Seigal (throw a French Fry on the ground and watch his pounce on it) has rehired ERIC BISCHOFF to run things here on the creative end. BUT, the BIG, BIG, BIG news is that, as confirmed by the rumors on the Internet (which will come to an end if DAVE SCHERER HAS ANYTHING TO SAY ABOUT IT!!!!!!!) Vince Russo is considering coming back and working with Eric. Tony claimed that Russo is not sure if he WANTS to work with Bischoff... but he will give his "final answer" at some point, during the course of tonight's telecast!! -Madden called Russo and Bischoff, "Two MASSIVE Geniuses, two MASSIVE egos." -Okay, a few things that I'd like to say... -1) Bischoff is NOT a genius. Russo is NOT a genius. If Bischoff was a Genius, WCW would still have the ratings lead to this day. -2) As Tony announced this news, Madden had the balls to look at him in SHOCK!! Like this was the FIRST TIME HE HEARD OF THIS!!!!!!! I hope they can his fat ass. -3) Tony pointed out that Zbyszco and Tenay were "discussing" this on WCW Saturday Night, "as you know". Once again, Tony assumes that EVERYONE WATCHING EATS, DRINKS, AND BREATHES WCW 24 HOURS A DAY!!!!! A-Hole! -4) speaking of WCW Saturday Night... whatever happened to "Chud"? -thank you. -footage from the MASSIVE ticket sales in Chicago for Spring Stampede. Chicago is filled with douchebags and morons. No wonder Farley snorted coke until his head exploded. -Want proof? Fine, it jells into this next segment... -Footage of Hulk Hogan and Jimmy Hart in the... ugh... Mancow show. Mancow. Chicago's biggest radio prick. -Mancow had a fight with Jimmy Hart on air. Stevie Wonder could tell that the "Cow" was laughing as Hart pretended to choke him. -Tony called Mancow, "One of the biggest radio stars in the world"... maybe Tony didn't learn his lesson the first time I F-ed with him? -Mancow... one of the biggest radio stars in the world... is currently playing on A.M. RADIO is Worcester, Mass. Of course, he's probably saying he's in Boston. Trust me, Worcester ain't Boston. -During the course of this footage, we see that Mancow is wearing dark sunglasses and never took them off. Hmm, what radio personality do you think he stole THAT idea from? Who's HE pretending to be? -I read the transcripts, Mancow asked Hogan NOTHING!! NOBODY asks Hogan anything. Nobody asks ANY wrestlers anything of substance. That's why Wrestling Journalism SUCKS. NOBODY ASKS THEM HARD QUESTIONS!!! -Now Mancow is working a wrestling PPV against Jimmy Hart. I HATE WCW!!!!!!!!!! -This company SUCKS!!! Lame tricks, weak ideas, STUPID STUNTS!!!! -I...I...I swear... I don't think Bischoff really EVER left. I think it was ALL a work! -Jimmy Hart. Shouldn't he have retired by now? Does ANYONE give a flying rat fu** about him? -Let's hope another Chicago celebrity drops dead so Mancow can get on "Inside Edition" and pretend he knew the guy. -Better yet, let's hope Mancow drops dead. -AND CHICAGO SUPPORTS THIS GUY!!!! Which is why Chicago is filled with douchebags and morons. Cased closed. -I know of at least one guy who might write and bitch at me for this. If he had any sense, he will realize that I'm dead on right about this WCW stunt and let it go. -Tony says that Mancow wants Jimmy Hart "anywhere at anytime". Madden said something, but the fun part was listening to him try to finish his statement before he ran out of air. He choked out the final word. -backstage, Mike Modest and two losers were confronted by "The Artist" and Paisley who said that one of them will get to wrestle Sullivan's boy tonight. After doing "eeny, meeny, miney, mo..." She picked Modest. I wonder, had she continued the game, exactly what would she say was caught it's toe? I mean, there's "Tiger"... sure... but knowing those racist PRICKS at WCW... would they have scripted her to say that other... more "racy" option? -Mike Modest. My God. In his own way, he has accomplished in one night what only Rick Rude was able to do before. What was it? Post your answer it on the Mailboard and drive everyone NUTS. -earlier today, Jeff Jarrett led Scott Steiner away from some poolside babes. Jarrett didn't even LOOK at the girls. Jarrett has serious issues with women, I'm convinced. -commercials. Is that Bobby Duncum Jr. in that David Arquette phone ad? That would be creepy. -Mean Gene talked to Booker. Booker says that in South Texas, he felt like the one raisin in a bowl of oatmeal and if it was all the same to WCW, he'd just as soon get his match over with quickly and run like Hell out of dodge before some redneck Sheriff named "Buford" notices him. -Mike Modest was in the ring. The Artist came out. Madden said he never heard of Modest. Tony pointed out that Modest was the star of "Beyond the Mat" and that the movie was pretty much based on Modest right now as they spoke. In fact, Barry Blaustein was backstage right now, filming this match and directly feeding it to the theaters live as it happens. -Madden talked up Chris Candido, and asked where his valet was? Good question. Sign her up... PRONTO! -Tony talked up the brilliance that is Bischoff and Russo. He said that Russo was directly responsible for the success of the World Wrestling Federation and indirectly responsible for the downfall of Eric Bischoff. Neither man tried to explain who was responsible for the WWF's success now. -It's funny listening to Tony fellate Bischoff over the air. After what he's told me. -aw... I'm just kidding..he didn't tell me nothing. (*cough*) -Tony broke away from not covering the match to give us this NEWS UPDATE HOT OFF THE PRESSES!!!! -Tony says that Sid Vicious has put a BOUNTY on the Head of Hulk Hogan for $20 and a B-Job!! (MY GOD!!!!!!! THEY ARE RIPPING ME OFF!!!!!! THOSE SONS OF BITCHES!!!!!!!!) -I wonder what Tony was thinking of when he was talking about "bounties"? I'll probably never be closer to getting my name mentioned on Nitro as I am right now. -It was for a half million dollars. Double that and you have Bischoff last great scheme to get viewers tuning into Nitro way back when. HE'S A CREATIVE GENIUS ALL RIGHT!!!!!!!!! -Chavo Guerrero and Chris Candido came out. They caused some shit, then started to fight each other. -Paisley was knocked off the ring apron and physically threw herself into the two guys fighting. Slut. -Modest hits Iaukrappa with a sumo drop variation and hits the pin. Somewhere backstage, a very fat man with numerous chins started to weep. Somewhere at ringside, actually at the announce table, a very fat man with numerous chins started to weep too, only he was crying because those damn Twinkie drivers were still on strike. -Modest won, Tony called it "one of the biggest upsets of the YEAR!!" -Tony also called the return of Bischoff, "one of the biggest stories of the YEAR!!" -It's March. The year is barely 90 days old. Kind'a let's the air out of that balloon, now doesn't it? -Tony reminds us that a half a mil is on Hogan's head. Madden is truly an unattractive man. He looks so sweaty, and pasty, and ashen. -Okerlund talked to the Harris Boys about whatever was on their minds at the moment. -commercials. "Ready to Rumble" spot. Sweet Jesus, Mary, and Joseph... Rose McGowan. Is there a whiter chick on the planet? Has she ever even SEEN the sun? -Would I? Of course. Her, I'd do between the boobies and aim for her eyes. --"Dear Miss Dri...McGowan, I don't know if you are a fan of wrestling, but you should know that a recapper by the name of Chris Hyatte has made lewd, obnoxious, disgusting references to your Irish Albino skin and your well endowed chest. If you wish, send me the proper funds so I can sue his ass and get him OFF THE INTERNET FOREVER!!! I hope you find this abomination to good, clean wrestling fans everywhere as horrifying as I do and join my cause. Thank you. Etc...etc...etc." - "p.s. If you ever find yourself in Toledo, Ohio, and want to go out for a quiet dinner, you will not find a more respectful companion than me. Just be sure to bring a fat wallet as I am not making the killing off the Internet as I claim to be" -"p.p.s. Marilyn Manson has nothing on me when it comes to French kissing. You'll find that those white mounds of doughy flesh of yours are quite the match for my massive tongue." - "p.p.p.s F**K you in advance for not answering me. All you girls are the same." -Footage from the good, clean fun that is WCW Spring Breakout. It's only a coincidence that 95% of the WCW talent have just come down with herpes this week. -Hogan and Jimmy Hart are in the Hotel. Vampiro stops them and invites them into his room for some reason. Bob Marley could be heard playing. -WCW Magazine has a Centerfold spread of Torrie Wilson. If squirting to pictures is your type of deal, go for it. -Booker came out. -"Big" Ron Harris came out. Booker held the ropes open for him. I heard Booker say, "let's go.. come on... I got the car running... time's a wasting...." -They go at it. Tony says that he's almost been on Nitro since it's inception, and NOBODY has taken WCW to such heights as one Eric Bischoff. (Of course, nobody has taken WCW to such a rapid crash as one Eric Bischoff either, yet nobody is commenting on that.) -"Big" Ron's brother, Heavy D, has him arm in the sling. Tony called him a FAKE!!! A DECEITFUL QUACKSALVER!!!!! I called this whole busted arm gimmick as a DIRECT RIP OFF OF EDDIE GUERRERO!!! MY GOD!!!!!!! -Booker cleaned house. Jarrett showed up. Madden screamed, "SPINEROONI, SPINEROONI, SPINEROONI!!" (um... what?) -That arm thing was shown to be a fake. Jarrett distracted the Ref and Booker ate a "H-Bomb". Booker lost. Then Harlem eat ran out and beat on Booker some more. I saw Stevie hand Booker his gas card and mutter "ride like the wind, my Brotha". MLK died for naught. -Kidman ran out and took some too. I heard the Pope later sent him an apologetic e-mail. -Backstage, Vampiro ratted out Sid to Hulk and Hart. Why were all three of their eyes bloodshot? -commercials. "The Skulls". Y'see, Reed Richards should have NEVER turned them into Cows and hypnotized them into staying in that shape. Now their back to bite him on the ass. -Okerlund was back in the ring and brought out... -Hulk Hogan. I give it a month before Bischoff starts coming out with him again. -Madden asked why Hogan is taking so long to come out. Ahh, that Vampiro has some FINE ganja, Senor Blimpo! -Hogan did come out. Tony says that Mike Tenay and Rikki Rachtman are doing some sort of Web Telecast backstage that will show us what's happening backstage. Click on over and see if YOU can identify all the voices saying, "OH GOD, LET ME OUT OF MY CONTRACT!!!!!" -Isn't Ryder the one who's supposed to do that? -Hogan hit the ring and displayed his body. He's starting to "Flair out" -Hogan says that Jimmy Hart was back the hotel room getting massaged by some ladies in "itsy, bitsy, teeny, weeny, yellow, polka dot, bikinis". It was probably Dusty Rhodes wearing his old WWF gear. You knew that Jimmy Hart didn't exactly "swing" towards the female sex, right? -Dude, in my world, they're ALL fags. -Of course, the fact that Hart was seen with Hogan backstage only 5 MINUTES AGO sort of wrecks the whole bit. -Gene asked Hogan about that Bounty on his Head. Hogan said that the first thing he'll do is call Turner Security and make Remy Artiega change the way their douchebag recapper submits his columns. -Then Hogan became the show's director and ordered the camera guy to pull back so he can show off his arm. OOh, wait until Jimmy Hoffa Jr. hears about THIS!!! -Hogan turns the tables and offers half a million of his OWN for Sid Vicious to come on out and jam. Of course, Sid is not even in Texas tonight, so Hulky is just being himself. -The crowd chants, "HOGAN, HOGAN" -Hogan said that his Daddy once told him, "The Greater the Gladiator, the more Enemies he has!" All of which proves that Hogan's daddy was a moron. -So, Hogan said to bring on the Bounty hunters, he ain't a'scared of anything now that Bischoff's back in town. -Hogan says that Vampiro is "the Future", then said that he's been watching him, (HAW!!! That's a hoot! Ask Jericho, Benoit, Malenko, Saturn, or Guerrero how attentive Hogan is to the youth of today) -"The General Consensus among the ‘Maniacs is that Vampiro will be the Man". (Actually, I heard that Fonzo idiot is backing Kanyon as the "Man") -Next thing we know, we see the Wall on top of the Hotel, pointing to Hogan. Hell of a drop. Hell of a distance too. I doubt half the audience had any clue about this silliness. -JUMP!!!! JUUUUMP!!!! LIFE IS NOT WORTH LIVING!!!! JUUUUUMP!!!! -Hogan, ever the Professional, did all the work. He announced that this had to be a challenge, he announced that the challenge would be accepted, and declared that the Wall's ass would be kicked tonight. The Wall just had to stand there and hang on for dear life. -Backstage, Mike Tenay talked to DINF and the Mamalukes. Right. -commercials -The Jung Dragons were in the ring doing a splendid riff on the 3 Count gimmick. You know, those Japanese LOVE Kareoke. I hate it, so much so that I don't CARE if I misspelled it. -"Those Japanese"... Good God, I am such a prick. -The Mamalukes ran in. It's a 6 man affair. -I bet Three Count run in before I finish typing this sentence... that's right... right as soon as this sentence is finished, they will come out before I put the final period to this outstanding display of grammar and punctuation... I know my WCW... I know my Nitro... they cannot let this match go down cleanly... they have to let Three Count run in quickly... before I finish this sentence... any time now... come on... LET'S GO DAMMIT!!! Wha? Oh crap. Too late. -Meanwhile, Tony announced that Vince Russo has agreed to work with Eric Bischoff. Can you say, "Anti-climatic"? I knew you could. -Madden said that this is like a marriage. Either it works great or doesn't work at all. HAW!! Marriage doesn't work GREAT all the time. It just works. Sometimes it's good, other times it sucks, but it just WORKS. I'm beginning to wonder if Madden has EVER been laid. -Tony called this the biggest news to ever come down the pike since they cloned that sheep. Then he said that he didn't know "the politics behind it". Oh Tony, what did I tell you about insulting the intelligence of the audience? -The Jung Dragon won after DINF was pinned. No Three Count at all. I was half prepared to continue that ongoing sentence bit for the rest of the recap. Since 90% of you breeze through the Nitro recap and make a beeline to the closer, it probably would have gone unnoticed... pricks. -You KNOW Nitro is getting popular again when I start getting more hate mail for my treatment of the show in this recap. It serves as a pretty good barometer. -The Harris Boys attack the Mamalukes after the match. -Backstage, Flair and Luger are getting ready for something. -Backstage, Sting and Vampiro are doing the same. WHAT COULD THIS MEAN??? -Well, it means that we are about to see Sting beat Flair for the MILLIONTH TIME!!! WHOOOOOOOOOOO -By the way, I saw that Gorgeous George thing. It's almost half and hour long. 25 minutes of it is her dancing. She DOES have a real, movie star smile though. Great teeth. Great dimples. Reminded me of someone I knew back when I still had feelings and still wore my heart on my sleeve. -Her Box looks like a Lobster claw, and not a cooked one either. -commercials. TNT is running a documentary, "Faces of Evil". I wonder if they'll show the part where Monkey's heads are bashed in? -The Nitro Girls are BACK WITH A VENGENCE!!!!!!! -Tony reminisced about the time Bischoff parted the Red Sea. Madden recalled the time Russo booked Goliath to put over David. -Funny bit, as Ric Flair came down the aisle, looking VERY upset (depressed upset, not pissed upset), Tony commented on how Bischoff always preferred the "Old Guard" and took care of them. Heh.. heeh...heh heh ha HAH HAHAHAHAAAAAA -Lex Luger came out with Elizabeth. Luger looked to be asking himself, "Am I gonna be that conniving little weasel character again?" Elizabeth looked to be wondering, "God, I hope Randy burned that tape I made for him." -Sting and Vampiro came out to no music and got right into it. It's a TEXAS TORNADO MATCH AND THE STAKES ARE TOO DAMN HIGH FOR MUSICAL BULLSHIT!!!!! -Madden whined that Sting and Vamp wrecked his favorite part of the program, Luger's pose down. See, you would NEVER hear Heenan say that! Jesus, you would never hear PATTERSON say that... publicly. -Sting took Lex over to the Hotel swimming pool. Tony screamed that they didn't even have lights for this. Which means that A: They wanted an air of spontaneity , or B: Sullivan just wanted to screw with the production one last time. -Elizabeth threw something at Sting, but that something broke apart, either way, it was a screw up. She threw up her hands and walked away disgusted. -Luger was backdropped into the swimming pool. Come on, it's the high point of every Spring Breakout. Let's take a time out from trashing the show and just enjoy a good laugh over someone going in the drink. BWAHAHAAAA -Okay... good. -Meanwhile, Vampiro had Flair's leg tied up. Madden called it a "Figure Four". Madden gets less talented each week. -Back to the pool, Luger beats on Sting. A waiter carrying drinks walks by. He was taken by surprise. The waiter walks away laughing. Luger hits Sting with an empty beer keg, turns around, picks up the waiter, and TOSSES him into the pool. It took him 5 years, but Lex has FINALLY done something cool on TV. -LUGER RULES GODDAMMIT!!!! I DON'T CARE IF I'M THE ONLY IDIOT SAYING SO!!! -Sting hits Luger in the face with a bowl of dip. -Meanwhile, Flair and Vampiro has spent the last 10 minutes on the mat wrapping up each other's legs. Let's be nice and say Flair was just being a pro and allowing Luger and Sting to take the spotlight. -Sting and Luger were both covered with gunk. Madden remarked that Lex has more fat ON his body than IN his body. Nice one... seriously. -They continued to fight on the beach. Flair and Vampiro decided to settle their end with a game of Tiddly Winks. -They were going into the Ocean. Luger went in it first. WCW Cameras were right on cue and left 90% of the action in pitch blackness. Nitwits. -Sting pinned Lex after a piledriver. Lex ended up in whatever body of water they were near. Gulf of Mexico? -One of the most enjoyable matches of the Sullivan Regime. -backstage, someone asked Booker what he thought of the return of Bischoff. Booker muttered, "another whitey? Sheeeit" and stalked off. -commercials -More Spring Break fun. It's the tapes you send Mom and Dad before you make those orgy porn tapes. -The Announcers review the previous match. Seeing how it's the only entertaining thing Nitro has put on this YEAR, they should re-run the damn thing. -Okerlund talked to Terry Funk. Funk announced that he's gonna retire after dealing with Hugh Morrus. -Okerlund kept trying to get Terry to go poon scouting after the show. Horny old fart. -Meng came out. That's a scary ass haircut. -La Parka came out. -Wasn't even close. And I wrote this before they bell rang. -Tank Abbott came out and caused a WCW controlled riot. -Kidman's "Kid Cam" spotted Buff Bagwell plotting something with some chicks in a pool. It should be noted that whoever ran this Kid Cam had a tendency to linger on various crotches and Buff's ass. -Jarrett and Scott Steiner were none to pleased with Buff's mucking around with NWO chooch. -Well, Scott wasn't pleased... Jarrett seemed rather ambivalent. -Fit Finlay didn't care a wot as to who ran this company. All he knew is that he's Irish, so he'll suck whatever ass needs sucking. -commercials -We get a special "scene" from "Ready to Rumble". I don't want to ruin the movie for you, so I'll skip past this. -Oh wait... it's Bif Naked doing a cover to "We're Not Gonna Take It". She's a scary looking bitch. -Tony said that the song was cool, but she ain't no Kiss. -Video footage tries real hard to set up the Wall as the man who will kill Hulk-A-Mania later tonight. -We see the Wall send Crowbar sailing. Madden loudly called Mick Foley a "pussy". -Hugh Morrus came out. he got on the mic and said something about something -Terry Funk came out. Tony had a NEW Announcement. Next week, they will pre-empt Monday Nitro and put in a "Best of Monday Nitro". He said that this will be their way of sorting through the old crap and finding out where they went wrong. -In other words, two hours of footage from the time Nitro was king. It's their way of reminding us of a better time. It's also up against the first RAW after Wrestlemania. In reality, it should be and interesting night. -I plan on recapping it, by the way. I may rifle through old Mop-Ups, match the recap with their replay and do a little "cut and paste" action to it. If I don't go blind from all the research, it might be fun. -Those poor bastards in Worcester, Mass. They were expecting a live Nitro next week. Now they are getting a WCW House show, and you KNOW how good those WCW House shows are. -The main event will be Norman Smiley vs Fit Finlay. -Terry Funk went for the Moonsault, totally missed it, and landed on his side. The Announcers COMPLETELY IGNORED IT!!!!!! (Tony is officially back to his old ways again. Time to talk about his Family again) -Hugh Morrus went for a Moonsault, HE missed it too. The Announcers marveled at his tenacity. Those rat fink bastards. -Tony promised that the next 30 minutes or so will be wall to wall promotion for the "New Nitro" in 2 weeks. Thank GOD everyone was watching RAW and was spared this. -Funk was piledriven in the sand. Tony woke up and realized that Hugh wasn't just shadow wrestling. -Morrus went for an elbow drop off the ring apron. Funk moved. Morrus crashed into a mat softer than a water bed. Tony wondered if Morrus wasn't really from Krypton. -Morrus had the thing won, but Dustin Rhodes ran out with a chair and nailed everybody. Including the Ref. -commercials -Hogan had more to say to Okerlund. The only thing worth noting is that he FINALLY scoffed at Steiner's arm when compared to his own. Jeeze, took him long enough. -Jeff Jarrett came out with Scott Steiner and some babes. -Steiner got on the mic and threw down some of the worse rhyming in the history of oral verses. -Jarrett got on the mic and decided to allow the girls to hang out a while. Mainly because this beach is filled with Skanks. -Backstage, Hennig and Bagwell were bickering over something. -Backstage, The Artist was asked what he thought about "Russoff"... he deadpanned that they will ruin the company straight to the ground, and it'll be the end of all of them. (HAW!!! For that reason alone, PUSH HIM TO THE MOON!!! HE'S THE ONLY WORKER IN THAT LOCKER ROOM WITH ANY BALLS!!!!!!!!!) -Of course, he quickly said he was joking and proceeded to lick boots with all the passion of a man who just saw his one major supporter get chucked out on his ass. -commercials -more Spring Break footage -Curt Hennig came out. -Buff Bagwell came out. -They began. Tony and Madden did what they did best, which is discuss April tenth. Madden, on the EVE OF WRESTLEMANIA, proclaimed that the New Bischoff/Russo Era will be the ONLY thing Wrestling fans will talk about for the next 2 weeks. (Okay, now I think he's doing this just to piss us off.) -The match was going as well as a match like this should go. Three seasoned professionals, and one juiced up Moron, killing time until Eric Russo and Vince Bischoff hand them their new programs. -Madden called Steiner a "Human Suplex Machine". Heyman should sue his fat ass. Or Titan. Or Tazz. Hell, all three. -I call Madden a "Human Eating Machine". (anythingbut) Slymm should get him to sue MY (notas) fat ass. -I love how Tony spends half the match ignoring it, then spends the other half trying to convince us that he was with the match all the way. -Easy win as Hennig ate a guitar, then Steiner gave him the "Steiner Recliner". Buff, meanwhile, feigned a neck injury so the NWO Babes would fawn all over him. -backstage one of those Eyetalians was asked what he thought of the new regime. He asked who this Bischoff was? -commercials -The Wall came out. One last look at why he is a credible challenger for Hogan. -Hogan came out. This is a Million Dollar Match, which is roughly what WCW is paying to draw a 2.1 rating for this final segment. -Classic Hogan. Might be the last time we see this. Let's try to enjoy it. -Wall takes control first. There may be some sort of special stipulations here. -Hogan fought back. He mounted the second rope and started to punch. -Hogan bit the Wall. Madden screamed that this is our role model and invited children to do the same with their friends. I said the same thing about Sting with his baseball bat two weeks ago. Nice to see Mark still reads me. -Wall uses a chair. Hogan sells it. He must be in a good mood. -Hogan recovers and uses a chair too. -The Wall chokeslams Hogan, then points to a table that was set up as I was typing. -Hogan fights back. Boot to the face. -Leg drop. -Hogan doesn't pin him. I guess it's a table match. -The Wall sits up. Tony SHRIEKS, "THIS HAS NEVER HAPPENED TO HULK HOGAN EVER IN HIS CAREER!!!!!!!!" -BUT... it HAS happened to "Hollywood" Hogan plenty of times, in case you were wondering what Tony's been smoking to cause his memory to give out like that. -The Wall is all over Hulk like a cheap douche. -Then Vampiro ran out and attacked the wall. The bell rang. -Vampiro and Hogan double punch the Wall, he crashes into the table. -The Wall gets right back up. Tony stabs his own eyes out with his pencil. -The show ends with the Announcers making enough noise to cover up the audience boos. -That match ended the way it HAD to end. The Wall is getting pushed hard and Hogan ain't gonna job out to him. There was no other choice. Well, of course RAW wins, but it wasn't that bad a Nitro. Hell, I found myself blowing through much of RAW and sticking with much of Nitro! In fact, F-It.. NITRO WINS!!!! NITRO WINS!!! NITRO WINS!!!!! Closer time, then beat it. So, because I am fresh out of excuses for why I wasn't around last week, I thought I'd take you on tour through the two most important days of my Internet Life. Monday and Tuesday. The two days I leave completely open so I can recap four hours of wrestling, send it in, and bask in the glory of another job lazily slapped together. Here is "A Day in the Life (ofaninternetgodplusanotherdaytoo)" MONDAY 10:00 a.m. : Woke up, got out of bed, dragged a comb across my head. 10:10 a.m. : Applied aloe to head after remembering that I shave my head bald. Combs are SHARP! 11:00 a.m. : Go to work. Wouldn't you like to know what I do... eat me. My real last name was finally discovered (now you see why I stick with "Hyatte". Of course, I wasn't exactly taking great pains to hide the thing.), no way in Hell, will anyone find out what I do in "real life". 7:00 p.m. : Get home. Feed dog. Blow dog. Watch TV. Switch between "Moonlighting", "Seinfeld", "E.R.", and whatever porn tape is in the box. Masturbate during commercial breaks. 7:45 p.m. : Prepare tape for Nitro and RAW. Wonder if I might luck out and not have a tape available? ANOTHER WEEK OFF!!! WHOO HOOO!!! 7:48 p.m. : Find tape. Curse tape. Consider breaking tape. Remember that NoSoul ain't Al Isaacs and won't put up with constant weeks away. (But Eric, I swear, my computer really DID blow up!!!!) 8:00 p.m. : Nitro begins. Search fruitlessly for "Hyatte Rules" signs on TV. 8:30 p.m. : Scratch nuts. 8:55 p.m. : Finish scratching and start counting the minutes. 8:58 p.m. : Close enough, time for RAW 9:00 p.m. : RAW begins. Search fruitlessly for "Hyatte Rules" signs on TV. 9:10 p.m. : No signs on either show. Kick my dog across the room and wish Leprosy on every Internet Wrestling Fan on the planet. Begin to sob miserably. 9:25 p.m. : Sit amazed that RAW spends first twenty minutes on a dialogue filled storyline and still KILL in the ratings. 10:00 p.m. : Spend time watching RAW, scratching nuts, dozing off, and wondering what the F**K I am doing with my life. 11:10 p.m. : RAW ends. Mentally tell myself that I will begin writing RIGHT NOW and get this column out before Zimmerman!!!! 11:11 p.m. : Just as soon as I flip around to see if there are any good soft core porn flicks on Cinemax or Showtime. 11:15 p.m. : Find one. Masturbate. 11:35 p.m. : Letterman's on. Will begin recap as soon as Dave ends. 12:36 a.m. : Dave ends. Get very, very sleepy. Decide to go to bed, get up early, and start fresh on Tuesday. 12:37 a.m. : One last flip around for some soft core porn. 01:00 a.m. : Nitro replay goes into the second hour. Set tape. Go to bed. TUESDAY 8:00 a.m. : Alarm wakes me up. Time to get moving. Hit snooze for 7 more minutes of sleep. 11:00 a.m. : Wake up. Slept right through snooze button. See alarm clock on the floor across the room. Wonder if my apartment is haunted. 11:10 a.m. : Hit toilet for morning dump. 11:26 a.m. : Flush toilet. I shit MOUNTAINS BABY!!! BOOYAAAA!!!! 12:00 p.m. : Go to Gym. Promise to start column as soon as I get home. 2:00 p.m. : Get home. Lie in bed and think of that chick with the six pack abs who worked the stairmaster as I worked my chest. 2:04 p.m. : Masturbate over that chick with the six pack abs who worked the stairmaster as I worked my chest. 2:08 p.m. : Hit Internet looking for material and news. Go to Delphi and laugh at everyone talking about these various feuds. Go to STC mailboard and wonder why there aren't MORE posts about me. Go on ICQ and promptly click off if I don't like the questions posed. 4:10 p.m. : Call Bob Ryder. Pretend to be Georgie. Proceed to talk dirty to him. 4:15 p.m. : Hang up phone, quite skeeved out after he started to pant. (In all fairness, it was probably from outrage... but you never know...) 4: 17 p.m. : Call Sean Shannon . Pretend to be Scott Keith. Proceed to talk dirty to him. 4:25 p.m. : Hang up, quite skeeved out after he asks me to start humming while he sticks his phone "somewhere". 4:30 p.m. : Time to get to work on column. 4:31 p.m. : Watch TV... just to get my head ready for the upcoming column. 8:00 p.m. : Promise to get to column just as soon as I make sure that "Buffy" ain't in repeats. 8:02 p.m. : Set VCR for "Buffy". Time to get to work. 8:05 p.m. : Go into closet for quick "session" with my mother's corpse 8:23 p.m. : Quickly glue her teeth back in her mouth. Put aloe on my scratched up pecker. 9:00 p.m. : Promise to get to column just as soon as I make sure that "Angel" ain't in repeats. 9:01 p.m. : Watch "Angel" anyway... F-it. 10:00 p.m. : Sit down to write column. Note time and promise myself that this week I will WRITE FASTER THAN EVER BEFORE!!!!!!!! 10:02 p.m. : Go into fits of laughter. It's the same damn promise week after week after week. 10:05 p.m. to 11:00 a.m. Wednesday : Produce column, zip through the spell check, and send it off to ScoopThis. End up drinking four pots of coffee, going to the bathroom five times, taking at least two breaks for more soft core porn on Showtime and Cinemax, and at least three fits of despair where I roll on the floor screaming, "I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE!!!! I CAN'T THINK OF ANYTHING FUNNY ANYMORE!!!!". 11:10 a.m. : Shower, dress, go to work with no sleep. Another week in the can. Another week indeed. Now you see why I am who I am. Next week, I don't know. Something will come to me. If not, I'll see you in two weeks. Or I'll just leave forever. F-It, F-the Net, F-Wrestling... And F-You This is Hyatte