Nitro Mop Up ... by Chris Hyatte

And to end this tragedy...3/31/99 Mop-Up Nitro (cont) -The Nitro Girls show Canada what real dancing is all about.....Toronto has more strip clubs, pound for pound..then any other city in the world....I'm surprised they didn't pelt the ho's with empty bottles of Moosehead -They showed a clip from last week where Rey Mysterio challenged somebody to something... -Tony then tried to send us to the clip of Rey Mysterio challenged somebody to something.....he was shocked when Tenay said that we just saw it. I want Tony to feel pain...lots and lots of pain. -Jerry Flynn lost to Chris Jericho...no shocker there...but the pre-match interview with Jericho was fantastic...especially with Heenan commentary to supplement it..so much so that I'll transcribe it..... -Jericho, "Chris Jericho is one hundred percent CANADIAN!" (loud pop) -Heenan, "What does that mean with the exchange?" -Tenay, "About uhh...85%" -Heenan, "Thank you" -Jericho, "You know, I spent my childhood in Canada! I grew UP in Canada! I became everything that I am today in Canada!" -Schiavone, "But I like those American dollars!" (He was actually trying to be funny!) -Heenan, "Me too!" -Jericho, "But now, I live, in the United States!" (crowd boos) -Heenan, "Well, he had to upgrade!" -Schiavone, "Yeah!" -Jericho, "But, as I was walking down the streets of Toronto today! Looking at the blue skies and saying Hi to all the Torontonians! One thought popped into my head!" -Heenan, "Why am I here?" -Jericho, "Man I'm glad I moved to the states because CANADA SUCKS!!" -Schiavone, "WHOOOA WHOO HOO HOOOA!! TALK ABOUT YANKING THE TEETH RIGHT OUT OF THEIR HEAD!!!!" -I will only say this..it may have been the most enjoyable segment with Jericho of the year so far...he had EVERYBODY going one way, then did a 180 on a dime and f-ed everyone's shit up...it was AMAZING!! And BIG ASS KUDOS to the announcers for having a little fun...it was nice to see Heenan get a LITTLE bit of what he used to be back. Even Tony loosened up a bit. I may have to lay off him for the rest of the night. -As I said, this segment was 90 times better than any ring action. -Okerlund and Spice pushed the Beetle....Spice said that she lost her virginity in the backseat of a Beetle....Okerlund told her not to bring her Father into this. -commercials -Bret Hart came out.....now we got some heat going....it's about friggin' time. -You already know what happened by now...but this was too good to blow by....so I'll just highlight the...err...highlights! -After saying how nice it is to see kids in the audience....Bret said, "Ah ya' sit back there all night and you sit back and you listen to everybody...and everybody's all up in a big FFFFFF........(he almost said the F word..IN FRONT OF THE KIDS DAMMIT!!!!!!..they're all upset about the ratings and stuff!" -He sang a little bit of Oh Canada.....well, he didn't sing..he chanted it...probably for the better... -After he called himself a 5 time world champ..I half expected Tony to say, "What? When did that happen?" -He called Goldberg a big "chicken"..I LOVE it when he talks like a dad in front of his kids....a dad who is used to swearing his ass off. -By the way...Goldberg was booed heavily when Hart mentioned his name. -Hart also reminded everyone that he beat Steve Austin "every time he fought him"......the crowd went nuts. -Goldberg came out...those MOTHER FUC**** STUPID, INBRED, HILLBILLY, WIFE BEATING, OVERALL WEARING, 3 TEETH, DOUCHEBAG WCW OFFICIALS PIPED IN THE SINGLE WORST EDITION OF "GOLDBERG, GOLDBERG" I HAVE EVER HEARD!!!! THEY WERE JUST BOOING THE DICKHEAD 2 SECONDS AGO!!!!!! NOW WE ARE EXPECTED TO BELIEVE THAT HE IS ACTUALLY LOVED IN CANADA?????? -Talk about amateur hour...what a bunch of morons. -Anyway...Goldberg came out.....he didn't heal anyway because it's Canada..why bother? -He hit the ring..and 10 seconds later, speared Hart...they both went down and stayed down..making for a very...umm...fruity sight. -Then Hart got uop slowly, rolled up over the big guy..and made a pin count. He unofficially pinned Goldberg. -Then Bret took off his shirt to reveal the metal plate underneath.....pretty smart move. -Bret took the mic, just as Dillenger came out...I'd have a funny AntiChrist line here, but I am pressed for time. Bret said, "Hey Bischoff!! And the WCW...I quit!" Then he walked away. -commercials -footage of what happened...including a shot of Hart and Bischoff yelling at each other in the entrance way. I don't know what was worse...seeing Bischoff look just plain horribly old.....or hearing Schiavone try to sell us on the idea that this is the first time anyone saw Bischoff in many, many weeks. -video thing detailing the breakup between Steiner and Bagwell...breakup is a rather gayish word for this..but considering the participants.... -And here we go....Tenay said that this was a "HISTORIC NITRO!! ONE FOR THE AGES!!!" -Buff had the mic and said that him and Steiner ARE all over...and that the fans could cheer for whoever they wish, but he asked them to remember...he loved them as mush as they loved him. -Then Norman Smiley showed up.....Heenan and Tenay tried to get Tony to say, "SmIII LAYY...Tony was being a bitch. -Nice to see Buff work again....he is one of their true homegrown stars....and has great charisma. Unfortunately, I am in no mood for Smiley tonight. Buff wins. -commercials -The Announcers kill some time.....I guess Heenan bitched and moaned to Bischoff enough, because I have NEVER heard Tony be so loose on the mic...the rat bastard actually set up Heenan for some nice one liners...check out this exchange... -Heenan, "I wanted to talk and you interrupted me! Go home!" -Schiavone, "Go home?" -Heenan, "Go home!" -Schiavone, "I DON'T LIVE IN CANADA!?!?" -Heenan, "Get out of here!" -Schiavone, "I'm not going anywhere! I'm staying right here!" -Heenan, "Well then you're dumb!" -Tenay broke this up by reminding us that Chris Benoit was from Canada.....which was good timing on his part since... -Benoit and Malenko were out to defend their tag titles against Rey Mysterio and Kidman. The only way this could suck is if Bischoff booked it....or Dusty...or Flair...or Nash......or Hogan.....in other words, we are fu&^ed -Horsemen controlled early..for some ridiculous reason, Tony said that he wouldn't go to a baseball game with Tenay and Heenan if his life depended on it. -In a THRILLING move....Benoit and Malenko turned a Rey Mysterio Frankensteiner attempt into a Powerbomb/Bulldog combo...Rey kicked out! -Malenko hit Kidman with a Gut Buster.....Rey made the save... -commercials -back to the match....Benoit blew snot rockets on Kidman.......classy Canuck -This is the match of the week...on either show.....I was totally into it... -Then Raven and Saturn came out...Raven DDT'ed Malenko....Rey pinned Malenko we had new tag champs. -Let me break this down for you....Benoit lost in Canada! To a Mexican! And a JEWISH GUY!! After holding the tag belt for just a COUPLE OF WEEKS!! Yep..Bischoff's back in the saddle again...ah well. -Seriously, this is worse then when Hart was screwed in Montreal. -Some back tape of WCW's Spring Break crap with Cinn-a-Burst. Let's hope this finishes up any legal obligation to plug Cinn-a-Burst. -commercials -The Nitro Girls kill time as Tony pushes the Beetle again. -commercials -Michael Buffer asked us to get ready to rumble.... -Hogan came out..... -Page came out with Flair....you could hear a pin drop in the audience. -There is no good reason why Page should be booed and Hogan be cheered...just so we are clear on this. -Chants of "HOGAN, HOGAN"...the differences between that REAL chant and that retarded "GOLDBERG" chant were disgustingly obvious. -commercials -For the first time that I can remember....stuff had actually HAPPENED during the commercials...Page and Hogan had chased the announcers away and were beefing right around their booth.... -Then Hogan sent Page into both of those two big WCW signs on either side of the entranceway. If that wasn't symbolic of how Hogan is ruining WCW each time he comes out...I don't know what is. I wonder if Hogan got the irony... -Tony started to pant into the mic...to sell us on the excitement that YOU CAN ONLY GET ON NITRO...ON TNT!!!!!!!!!!! HOME OF THE NEW F'K'N CLASSICS!!!!!! THE BEST MOVIE STUDIO ON TELEVISION!!!!!!! -Tenay went overboard when he said that these two guys would tear Toronto down to rubble....not that it isn't a GOOD idea. -Flair got involved, but Page knocked him down...Flair is trying too hard to be a heel... -By the way, this was the WORST HOGAN PERFORMANCE that I have seen in a while. The action wasn't bad...but Hogan didn't even seem to TRY to make his moves look real....not a single kick seemed to connect, and those straps blew too. -Hogan applied an Abdominal Stretch.....I was just as amazed as everyone else. -The Ref was knocked out....Flair crony Charles Robinson ran in...Hogan tried a legdrop but missed. -Flair tried to chair Hogan...but hit Page instead.... -Flair chopped at Hogan...Hogan no selled them...Tenay screamed as if he never saw Hogan do that before....but Tenay was drunk. -Hogan knocked out the new ref, then the old ref counted the pin on Page.....Tony acted like this was a win for the good guys.....yet he acts just like a bad guy...except in the ring where he acts like a good guy again...I am so confused here. Luckily, the show ended on this note. I'll tell you what....this had both wrestlers and announcers goofing on Canada...this had some good wrestling..this had the Bret Hart thing....this had Goldberg go down and stay down for a change...this had Bischoff come out and look like a man who is seeing his empire crumble and he can't understand why.....AND..this had the announcers calling the action and having fun in the most relaxed, enjoyable way I have ever heard on a WCW program. Even though it was up against the BIGGEST RAW OF THE YEAR!! I'm giving it to Nitro. Nitro wins. Okay, as promised..I am re-running last week's closer. If you read it last week..then you can go now. If you didn't..enjoy. HYATTE'S PICK-UP LINES: "Hello, I'm Al Isaacs" "Hello, I'm Remy "The Slammer' Artiega" "Hi, thousands of 12 year olds worship me" "Want to buy the King of the Internet a drink?" "I write for a website the generates millions of readers a month. One day, I may even get paid for it" "Hi, I can outdrink anyone in this bar." "I am great at sex, I can masturbate for a half an hour without losing control" "My name is Chris, it rhymes with piss" (I SWEAR TO GOD..it works) "Didn't I see you in a Seymore Butts video?" "Did I die? Am I dead? Then why is an angel standing before me?" "Sweetheart, you haven't lived until you've had a fat ass" "If that jerk you're with has a web page, I can chase him off the web inside 2 months" "I can show you the way I "spear' and "jackhammer'" "My job allows me to take 30 weeks off a year" "Hey, where you going in them jeans?" "I got tickets to the Huey Lewis and the News concert" "I ain't no fag, but I am willing to learn" (note..use ONLY with bisexual women...or really hot guys) "Everyone on the web either hates me or wants to be me!" "Hey baby, every week hundreds of people tell me I suck, wanna see for yourself?" "I write a hugely popular web column for free, I don't feel that I'm being misused, because I do it FOR THE CHILDREN!! IT'S ALL FOR THE CHILDREN!!!" "I just wish that I could reach more people. Come closer and I'll start with you" "Don't move....you have a cockroach on your chest, let me brush it off." "Don't move.....you have a cockroach on your fly, here let me...ooops, it just went down your pants...I'll get it." Try any of those, and you'll do fine.....hey, every time I pull into a High school parking lot, it works WONDERS!! Okay, I'm all finished now...I'm sorry that it was pretty weak outing this week...next week I'll just have to come out with a gonzo effort filled with hatred, bile, toilet humor, and other crap that you kids seem to love. That's next week...for this week..I really do have to run. Oh...blow me This is Hyatte Chris Hyatte
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