Raw Mop Up ... by Chris Hyatte

You will not enjoy this week's effort...3/31/99 Mop-Up RAW Quickly people, I'm Chris and this is the Mop-Up. It's a Wednesday and I'm here on time....of course, not dead on in the morning....more like the afternoon..but I'm still here and a little pressed for time. So, let's cover a few openers, then we'll get going. First of all, I'm not sure if many of you even knew I did get a column posted last week. It made it on Thursday afternoon...mostly because I slept most of Wednesday away. I can understand if you didn't see it, it's no problem really....BUT, I had a closer in it that I really liked....so much so that it would wound me if it wasn't opened to as many eyes as possible. So, for the first time EVER, I'll be using last week's posted closer for this week too....for those who didn't catch it the first time around. If you DID already read it..then you will be dismissed from class early. You will be able to go out and enjoy this lovely Spring day. Speaking of self plugs, I encourage you all to read the Wrestlemania Mop-Up Special Edition I wrote. With any luck, Al still has it buttoned ----------------> there on the main wrestling page. I thought I did a reasonably good job on it. I'm not going to babble on about Wrestlemania......everyone else already beat me to it. Instead, I'll just say that I thought the show on a whole could have been a lot...umm...well, let's say that they could have done more with it. The I.C and the Hardcore matches both could have used a little punch...Hell, the entire card could have used a little punch. I was really bummed out about the hell in a cell match. I was PRAYING that Bossman would really have exploded into a 90's type of athlete, but he chooses to keep things normal. Oh well...it's a damn shame. He really could have shown us something out there. And poor Bart Gunn too. Talk about a perennial loser. That's all I have for this week. I told you, I'm making things quick over here. Got too much to do and no time to do it. Besides, this is the week where RAW holds their biggest show of the year and Nitro makes it's debut in Canada. If I was any sort of actual wrestling fan, ( would just shut up and let the action speak for itself.... RAW IS WAR (or: The Countdown to WM 16 BEGINS!!) -opens with a video compilation of the Austin/McMahon feud, covering pretty much the whole year and ending with Austin's title win at WM. Nicely done. -opening theme -Fireworks and a LOT of signs. They are at the Continental Airlines Arena.....is that in Jersey? -out comes "Stone Cold" Steve Austin to bask in the glory of his recent title win......and also to give RAW that very vital first quarter hour ratings surge. Of course, at this point, they could spend the entire first 15 minutes showing Jim Ross shave while blindfolded and it would get a 6.2...(Actually, that would be some fascinating TV) -Austin is holding the title, then drops it as he mounts the first of his four corners....he has to jump back down and pick up ....you would think that with all the stuff he had to carry out of the house that his soon to be ex wife has ordered him out of, he'd be used to carrying things. -Austin wants a "HELL YEAH".....tsk tsk -He bragged about doing everything he promised to do last week....then went totally against his character and gave the Rock "credit where credit was due"....how sweet....the little pansy -He said that he woke up that morning on a pile of empty beer cans......and promptly kicked a sleeping Patterson OUT of his hotel room (Pat was heard to be screaming, "BUT LAST NIGHT YOU WERE SO...SO...OPEN WITH ME!!!!!!!"......Jesus..2 minutes into this and I'm already doing Patterson stuff). -THEN, Austin picked up his newly won WWF belt and decided that it wasn't worth the hassle...so he was there to relinquish the belt back to Vince...all Vince had to do was come on out. -So out came Vincent K. (I think it may be time to retire these rug jokes for a while) McMahon. Perhaps a little apprehensive...mayhaps a little hesitant.....yet he looked enticed.....perhaps...intrigued...mayhaps......oh screw it. -The process of Vince climbing into the ring and Austin insuring him that there was no funny bizness up his sleeve took a good minute.....if RAW was 3 hours long, they would have stretched it to 5 minutes, just so Vince could REALLY get into his motivation..(somewhere in Hell, Lee Strasburg is being forced to watch this over and over and over again.......as is Gene Siskel...what? You didn't think Siskel was going to HEAVEN were you? For God's sakes..the man was from CHICAGO!!!!!) - and here comes the hate mail...hey, don't be mad at me...be mad at yourselves..you Chicago people were the ones who made Mancow think that he was actually FUNNY!!! -Oh yeah, by the way...as of this past January...Mancow was officially thrown off of Rhode Island radio due to low ratings....sometimes this lame state actually does something right. -Eventually, Vince carefully took the belt from Austin's hand and then smiled broadly. He boasted about finally getting Austin to "crack". Then said that he almost wanted to thank him for this, but he really couldn't. Vince turned to leave. -Austin called him back and said that it wasn't THAT easy.... -Long story short, Austin showed a mess of video clips from RAWS and pay per views from yesteryear.....Christ, I can't even remember the name of the skank I banged last Friday...HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO REMEMBER THIS SILLY CRAP?? -The deal is that Austin wants that OTHER world title belt.....no, not the one that Flair is wearing...I mean the one that Vince has hanging on his mantel.......the one from that angle that I'm sure everybody forgot about. Geeze, remember the good old days in the WWF where we were supposed to forget everything they told us from week to week? Now we have to watch Nitro in order to get that nostalgic mojo working again! -Vince told Austin to go screw himself...he wasn't going to give him that belt... -Austin promised a beating if he wasn't made happy.....Vince reminded him tha....oh f-it...you know what happened by now. God, how I hate these loooooong opening segments. -It ended with Vince hitting Austin across the head with the belt, then running away like a girl. Austin promised an ass whuppin' sometime in the next two hours. I don't mean to be a wet blanket here but....haven't we SEEN this before? -Backstage we see Torrie and Ivory walking side by side.......Cole's voice is frantic -Then we see Terri Runnels and Jacqueline walking side by side......Lawler's bulge is gigantic -Then we see Sable come out of her dressing room....In April, HBO's running "Titanic" (I'm sorry, that was the best I could come up with...oh f-off..you know that it takes a while for me to get going). -Oh yeah, the Undertaker and his boyz come out too....the fans' yawns are emphatic (see what I mean?) -commercials -footage of what just happened -Backstage, STEPHANIE McMahon makes her television debut (so far as I can tell) as Vince orders her to get on the phone and get that world belt over to where they are. Shane doth protesteth Vince's lacketh of nutsacketh......Vince told him to watcheth his yappeth. -Sable came out and I must say she looked cuter than usual. I got no problems with that little grind she does. -"This is for all the girls who want to BE me, and for all the men who come to SEE me"....I'm already tired of that phrase.....maybe it's because she seems to hate saying it -Then she asks if we were ready for the Grind......why on Earth would she be plugging an MTV Dance show hosted by that loser from the first "Real World"...Dan? -By the way, Marc Mero is STILL with the company...you don't think those floors at Titan Towers stay shiny all by themselves do you? -Jacqueline and Terri Runnels came out....Jacky was in wrestling gear...Terri was licking a cigar....it wouldn't shock me one bit if Dakota Runnels grows up to be a fully fledged lesbo. -Ivory comes out...she does nothing for me. -Torrie comes out too...she don't do sheeit for me either. -Sable and Jacky were fighting Ivory and Torrie in a tag match......roughly 15 seconds into it, Ivory begins to chase Terri up the ramp and out of sight..therebye enacting the screwjob ending -15 seconds into it and the screwjob takes place...that might be a new record...funny, I would have bet my Liver that the record would have been broken on Nitro. -Sable doesn't care about any of this nonsense (She DOES have a brain after all!?! Go figure), so she just hit Jacky with the Woman's strap and allowed Torrie to score the pin. Then Torrie invited Sable to fight..... -Then the lights dimmed....well, we have two choices here....neither of them are very exciting. -It's the Undertaker and his Ministry......which, of course, leads me to ask..."If this is a Ministry, then what does a Full Size stry look like?"...oh come on...it's humorous..in a cute kind of way. -The Ministry surround the ring (no Accolytes though.....they must be busy now that Magneto is back) and surround Sable. -UT enters the ring and walks up to Sable.....Sable cowers a bit. UT told her to "fear not" (why do only demons, Hellspawns, and cultured, super intelligent terrorists that Bruce Willis is always shooting the only ones who say, "Fear not"?), he just wants to see Sable's moves... -So Sable relaxed a bit, then proceeded to do a little dance....dare I say I "Minidance for the Ministry -Apparently, dead men do NOT get boners.....and BOY are they pissed about it...because UT grabbed her by the neck and demanded that Vince gets out there unless he wants to see one of his meal tickets get her neck snapped. -Backstage, Vince is ordering Shane to stay with Stephanie so that he could go on out there. -Vince gets out there......looks around a little, then realizes that a commercial is only 20 seconds away.... -So he turned around and hightailed it back to his dressing room....screaming his daughter's name all the way. -He gets back and sees that all his big, hunky security men have been knocked out cold.....he ran into the dressing room.... -but Stephanie was gone...it was never fully explained why Shane didn't stick around. Vince started to wail, "STEPHANIE???? STEPHANIEEEEEEE!!!!" -Meanwhile, on the other side of the door, Patterson had wandered over and saw all those security hunks knocked out...if you listened closely and blocked out Vince's wailing, you could hear Pat scream, "SWEET LIBERTY!!! IT'S CHRISTMAS AGAIN!!!!!!!!" -commercials Chris Hyatte
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