Raw Mop Up ... by Chris Hyatte

You will not enjoy this weak effort...3/31/99 Mop-Up RAW (cont) -still backstage, Vince stopped Shane from calling the cops because UT killed the Bossman last night (but at least he wasn't spraypainted) and there was no telling WHAT legal trouble Vince would get into if UT wasted a non contracted person....then Vince and Shane started to wimper.....as did I.....mostly because I am subjecting myself voluntarily to this. -The Degeneration X theme song came on...the video clip was devoid of any and all HHH and Chyna shots.....even though HHH just went Corporate less than 24 hours ago....it...it..it was like...they KNEW!!!! No WAY?????? -X-Pac came out wearing a leather jacket and sunglasses...just like he did last year at this time when he first re-debuted on RAW...maybe he'll shoot on Bischoff and Hogan again for old time's sake? -Basically, X-Pac said that DX will go on even though all three of the founders are gone. THEN he said that Kevin Nash and Scott Hall would be right there next to him, if they weren't being held hostage by World Championship Wrestling, AND THAT'S A FACT ERIC BISCHOFF, SO STICK THAT IN YOUR PIPE AND SMOKE IT!!!!!!!!! -He finished by saying that HHH's ass was grass, and tonight, X-Pac was going to "smoke it"...I can only assume that he'll use toilet paper to roll it......I can only hope X-Pac knows to avoid the brown smudges. -Backstage, Vince and Shane still can't find her....then UT called Vince and taunted him about how he's doing unspeakable things to his child......again, I can only hope UT knows enough to stay away from the brown smudges...(don't worry, I barely got that joke too...and I wrote the friggin' thing) -Paul Wight (Wash? I don't get that one) comes to the ring...did you know that The Big Show's initials are T.B.S? Makes you wonder.... -I came up with that one ALL BY MYSELF too....not bad huh? -Test came out.....it took about 10 seconds for Wight to destroy him....thank God. -Then Wight took the mic in hand and told Vince that even though he "doesn't give a damn" about his personal troubles (someone tell that big lug that he can say "shit" now....it'll get edited, but nobody will care THAT much), and that he is going to fu** his plans up tonight......Jeeze..what is this? F-Vince Week? -Wight said that "Everything is going to change. And THAT is the last word!"...well, first of all, that is NOT the last word...according to Webster's, "zymurgy" is the last word..it's a noun...it means "applied chemistry dealing with the fermentation process, such as brewing" -Second...it isn't even a WORD...it's a SENTENCE.....ya big goofy ass. -Backstage, Shamrock promises Vince that he will search this building and find the little brat...just pray she isn't bitchy with him, or Ken might "snap" and make things much, much worse. -commercials -Shamrock is patrolling the backstage, looking for Stephanie McMahon.......someone might want to tell Kenny that a full grown girl would NOT be in Patterson's dressing room....so there is no point in looking there. -Jim Ross brings out "Dr Death" Steve Williams for a Hardcore title match. Ross quickly commandeers the Spanish Announcer table and proceeds to bitch and moan in English.....one of the announcers is heard to say, "Hey gringo, yoo try getting a buenos noche sleep in an el crack casa! Then you can tell me about life being muy sucky!" Ross said that he didn't speakee espanol. -Hardcore Holly (cooze) came out for a hardcore jam with Doc Death....meanwhile, Bart Gunn returned to his job at the Gap.....it's 50% off all Button Fly's this week! -The Hardcore match sucked.....it ended after the ref was knocked down, William powerslammed Holly on a table, but Al Snow came out and whacked Williams out....Holly got the pin and Ross bitched at the ref.... -You know, it just dawned on me...Jim Ross is Harvey Dent in reverse!! How's THAT for an observation?? -Backstage, Vince tells Shane that he is in no mood for anything dealing with wrestling right now, so Shane can go out and handle the in ring business for the rest of the night. Shane was only too happy to oblige. Shane has officially become the Eric Bischoff of the WWF. -commercials -The Rock came out..to an incredible pop. RAW is WAR became RAW is WAR as hour two arrived. -Shane took a place at the Announcer table....quietly said that he was deeply concerned about his sister..then forgot about the bitch and went into his YEAHYEAHYEAH GOGOGOGOGOGGOGOGOGOGOGOGO" rant... -There isn't much to say about this match.....it went a while, then Maivia won pretty cleanly....which was to be expected, Bad Ass is still a second tier player, you know. -It was a good match by the way....almost a squash. -Gunn did moon Maivia during this match. I thought you should know. -Backstage, a sobbering Vince is re-assured by Shamrock that he will pound the bloody.....err.....blood out of Gangrel until he gets the info he needs. -commercials -Gangrel comes out.....does he ever lose that dopey smile? -Ken Shamrock comes out, looking like he just got another crank call from one of the Grace boys (buncha FAGS...I could beat them ALL with one hand tied behind my back)... -No almost a squash here.... Shamrock utterly destroys Gangrel, then gets that Ankle Lock on him and demands that he tells him where Stephanie is..... -I had to rewind the tape three times before I heard Teddy Long say, "Bring it home guys".....it wasn't as bad as Al "Rabbit Ears" Isaacs would have you think....in fact....you could say that the loudness of Long's words was a RUMOUR!! In fact, you could say that it was a RUMOR STARTED BY AL ISAACS!!!!! MY GOD IN HEAVEN ABOVE, HE REALLY DOES MAKE HIS NEWS STORIES UP!!!!!!!! -Gangrel wouldn't give up the location of Princess Mac.....but Christian did after he went down to the Ankle Lock when he and the Edge interfered. She was in the basement. -Oh yeah, Kenny also ended up covered in blood....feel free to insert your own joke about Shamrock's maxi-pad exploding right here....I will not go down that road two weeks in a row. -commercials -we see Shamrock quickly searching for Stephanie before that blood gunk dries and he gets real sticky all over.....ick I HATE that feeling. -Road Dog comes out and proves that even inbred hicks from the boondocks of the Deep South can have Fun with Phonics. -He said that the arena was now his "Dog House"...he would have called it the "Dog Pound".....but Rick Steiner has so little going for him anymore. -Goldust came out with the Blue Meanie. Ryan Shamrock wasn't around because she fudged things of for GD at WM....U C now? M I clear? F U! C Suckers! -Ryan DID come down shortly after the bell rang, but the Meanie chased her away. -The match was the match....Road Dog did his little funk and jive set , then GD went for the big nut punt......no soup of course.... -Then Meanie got into the ring...Road Dog ended up giving him a big Bulldog right onto Goldust's crotch...a nice way to spice things up a little... -It ended after Meanie hit Doggy with the IC belt.....GD put him in the Curtain Call and pinned him. Goldust was the new IC champ..for the third time. Bloody Hell, why not? It's nice to see. -Afterwards, GD grabbed the mic and said that he finally found what was missing in his life, and soon, we will all find out too. Then we will ALL remember the name of...."GOOOOOOLDUST"........Jesus....after 3 years of wearing that ridiculous outfit (minus those 6 months he was prancing around as a Born Again Christian of course...you would hope that everyone knew who he was now?! -Let me stop and apologize right now...this week's column is really, really bad right now..and I don't think it'll get any better...I'm having a horribly off week....I think my internal chronometer is screwed up because I was so late last week.....I am very, very sorry. -Shamrock is marching downstairs into the basement...he has finally found Stephanie....he has to coax her into letting him help her up and take her away. She is visibly hysterical and has a mark on her forehead.....my God. How DARE she celebrate Ash Wednesday on a Monday night!!! Just WAIT until Goldberg hear's about this!!!!!! -See, I told you...I am very, very sorry. -commercials -Vince is alternately consoling his daughter tenderly and angrily swearing revenge on the Undertaker..... -Owen Hart and Jeff Jarrett took on the LOD......this is what you need to know: A: Animal has the mohawk back. B: Hawk is still fully haired. C: Hawk is still packing a gut. D: Paul Ellering is back with his team. E: Animal ate a guitar and F: Deborah didn't show shit. -That's all you need to know -Austin is seen waiting patiently for his next segment. -The WWF belt that he wanted has arrived..this show must almost be over. -commercials -Vince is busy thanking everyone for their help....Shamrock being on top of the list.. Vince says that he is "forever indebted to Ken for his help." So, Ken promptly asked him if he could work a few UFC matches and bitchslap those Grace punks....Vince told him not to push his luck. -Then Shane showed Vince the WWF belt that Austin wanted. Vince said that this night was over for him, and that Shane was to go find Austin, hand him the belt, and be done with it. Then Vince left with Stephanie....Shane grabbed Shamrock, told him that this night was NOT over..and asked him to go get Maivia and bring him over. I wonder if Shane dyes his hair? -X-Pac hits the ring with a little revenge on his mind... -commercials -Triple H came out with Chyna, Shane McMahon, and the "No Chance in Hell" theme song. Personally, I would have liked X-Pac as a better turncoat....he always was better as a heel. -Well, the match went for as long as these matches usually go....give or take two minutes. I believe that this was the main vent of the evening...but it wasn't one of those ten minute jobs. -Would have been nice to hear HHH speak about his motivations too....oh well. -Chyna and Shane interfered and the bell rang. Then X-Pac caught a nut shot and the Pedigree.....take a friggin' guess by whom. -Then Kane came out.....he took a chair shot from HHH.....then everyone ran away. -EXCEPT for Shane..who decided to stick around to help wrap this show up with that last angle.....he grabbed the mic and told Austin that since HE was running the show for the last 5 minutes of the night.....they would do things HIS way.... -For the record..the GREATEST RAW EVER will be the day they decide to do things "Pat's way"....I will say nothing else....let your imagination take over! -Anywhoo..Shane brought out the Rock, who was wearing that belt that Austin wanted....he hit the ring, grabbed the mic, and lectured the crowd on why he is really the champ... -Great moment: Maivia said, "There ain't nobody...and the Rock means...." -The crowd shouted, "NOBODY!!" -The Rock paused for a second...pointed his finger up and said, "Don't do that"....HUGED laugh from the crowd....I think even Cole and Lawler had to turn off their mics so they could enjoy a laugh. -Wrapping things up.....Austin finally charged out...they fought for a bit...Shane got Stunnered (??)....then Maivia pasted Austin with the belt -The rest of the Corporation came out....except for the Bossman..who's dead..of course..the proceeded to knock Austin around.. -Then Paul Wight came out...the two guys cleaned house. -Wight gave HHH a huge chokeslam....and the show ended right around there. Just like I said.....pound for pound...the RAW after Wrestlemania is always the biggest one of the bunch. With the exception of the missing Mankind, this puppy was fully loaded. Some decent matches, some nice angles....and the UT angle is slowly growing on me. I'm just not digging the Vince thing where he is a face one second and a heel the next.....Ya canna have it both ways Vinnie Mac.....no matta wha Patty O'Patterson would have you think! I'm done here...hop on over to the Nitro column..where hopefully, I can get some funnier material out of Nash's book than I could out of this show. Chris Hyatte
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