Mop-Up Nitro Recap & Review of the April 3rd edition of WCW Nitro (TNT) by Chris Hyatte So I read part of the transcript of an interview between Al Isaacs and Bill Goldberg. I had to read it because it takes a year for the audio interview to download on my PC. I just thank GOD Al warned us of all the nasty language Goldberg used, then still edited the bad words from the written script. (See why I left yet, kids? Huh?). [Ed's Note: Why is Hyatte/Isaacs starting to remind me of Hart/McMahon?] Basically, I read Goldberg blame HHH for spreading rumors on the Internet that he was just sitting out his injury until WCW picked itself up by the bootstraps and started to re-build itself. I read how Goldberg CHALLENGED HHH to a match anywhere, anytime. I read how Goldberg loves it when the kids look up to him as if he was "God", (wonder who Al thought of as soon as he heard THAT?). I read all that. I didn't catch what he said about Mick Foley, but I'm sure it wasn't positive. What an asshole. 1) Does HHH even HAVE an Internet presence? He doesn't even have his own WEBSITE as far as I know. He certainly never gave an interview where he even MENTIONED Goldberg's name. Where does this moron get his assumptions? 2) This is the second time he "challenged" a WWF star. Would it be a "shoot fight". Who would book it? Does Goldberg have ANY concept of "sports entertainment" and that this is all FAKE? Apparently not, seeing how Goldberg is RARELY entertaining and almost NEVER sells any shots. 3) Austin went on Howard Stern last year and said that Goldberg's challenge was "so 80's". He's right. This smacks of the time Eric Bischoff challenged Vince McMahon to a WCW PPV match, then crowed like he won when Vince obviously didn't show up. 4) HHH WORKED for several years to get where he is today. He wasn't pushed to the moon with piped in chants and overhyping announcers like this Austin rip-off was. You know what else, when HHH was injured, he STILL showed up to the TV shows and worked the mic. Plus, HHH has NEVER sat at home and threatened to quit until WCW paid him more money. He EARNED his main event spot. He wasn't SHOVED there because he was the only person making any noise in that company. 5) HHH LOVES what he does. He's not out making every piece of shit movie that is offered him in hopes of breaking out of the business. I'll say it right now, Goldberg WAS sitting on his ass waiting for a cut to heal, while Fit Finely, who had a similar, but MUCH worse injury taped up his leg and is out there hustling his arse off. Goldberg is waiting for the grass to get greener so HE couldn't be blamed for the low ratings. I believe it 100%. If Goldberg is God, I'm praying to Satan. Hell, I'll pray to GWB. Big, bald prick. I hope his knee explodes one day and it's all over. I hope it explodes on Nitro. Oh, right, he's God... he'll just heal himself. Hey Goldberg, stop challenging WWF workers and start challenging the writers to write up a character that isn't one note! How's that for an idea? Huh? NITRO: (or: No, no. This time, we are REALLY gonna change!) -WCW Logo: Now surely, THIS won't survive the cut? This symbol represents EVERYTHING BAD THIS COMPANY HAS DONE!!!!! -An empty arena... yet we can still hear the cheers. -and there's Freddie Blassie... sitting in the seats, musing to himself, "I can still hear the cheers." THEY SIGNED BLASSIE?????? MY GOD!!!! -A somber Tony Schiavone can hear the fans echoing in the background. It's the biggest pop WCW's had in years. -Tony welcomes us to a special edition of Monday Nitro. I wonder what arena they are in? -We see Tony, looking quite fit in a black sweater. He lost some weight. Must be stockpiling food for when he gets knocked out of a job. -Mark Madden is there, looking at Tony with love in his eyes (*coughHOMOcough*). -Not to criticize even THIS, but you would think they could position the announcers better so that Madden isn't giving us an entire profile shot. -Jesus, this Madden is a whale. A few more pounds, and he's qualifying for the cover of "Weekly World News". -Tony introduces himself, then says "Along with Mark Madden". Madden looked at the camera sternly, nodded, then looked back at Tony. I think he was trying to be cute. -Next week, yes indeedy, it's going to be a BIG week for WCW. For, you see, under the guidance of Eric Bischoff and Vince Russo, formerlyoftheworldwrestlingfederation, WCW will enter a WHOLE NEW ERA!!!!! For the third time in the past year. -Tony set up this Infomercial some more, then sent it to Mark Madden. -Madden opened his mouth, took a DEEP gasp of air and... -a small hunk of... something came FLYING OUT OF HIS MOUTH!!! It made a beeline straight down on a Southwest trajectory, ZOOMING past Tony's black sweater, and straight out of camera range. I rewound it several times. There was a definite object, it was definitely huge, and it definitely came out of his mouth. -Which is surprising, because he was breathing IN at the time. So, whatever that little thing was, it made it's escape! YOU'RE FREE LITTLE SPITTLE!!!! FREE AT LAST, FREE AT LAST!!! THANK GOD ALMIGHTY, YOU'RE FREE AT LAST!!!!! -Tony must have saw the projectile, because he quickly crossed his rams over his chest. Judging by the look in his eyes, if Madden tries to invade his personal space one more time... Tony's going postal on his ample frame. -Madden talked about how the debut of Nitro created a competition between the two major companies that helped catapult wrestling into the pop cultural phenom that it is today. Then Nitro tanked and RAW took over. -Of course, the man RESPONSIBLE for everything having to do with wrestling in the 90's, is the man who is now BACK to do it all again!! Eric Bischoff! -Madden called Bischoff, "a wrestling success story". Starting out as an announcer, then rising to the height where he ran WCW, turning it into the top promotion of the company. Like any good goosestepper, Madden "creatively edited" the time when "Mr. Success" helped Vern Gagne usher in the demise of the AWA, the time when he subbed for Steve Kemyko (sic) on "E News Daily", the Boat Shows he used to call, and of course, the time Vince McMahon laughed at his Announcing air check try-out and wouldn't validate his parking at Titan Towers. -Tony remembered the time that was 1995. It was a year of wonderment, excitement. It was the year The Spin Doctors ruled the airwaves, ER ruled the ratings, a young Tom Arnold taught us how to laugh (with apologies to "The Simpsons"), and we were all just a few months away from the invasion of Canadian sensation Alanis Morissette. And of course, Internet Butthumps-in-the-making were preparing for their own websites by plying their trades on RSP-W, little did they know that their cozy little existence was only two years away from humiliation on a weekly basis by a renegade dynamo known as HYATTE!!!!!! MIND IF I PISS IN YOUR LITTLE INTERNET GARDEN, DOUCHEBAGS??? -Tony continued. Of course, NONE of this Nitro nonsense would have been possible were it not for the first thing Bischoff did, which was signing Hulk Hogan from the semi-retirement that was his life. -We go to footage of Ted Turner proudly announcing that he just hooked in Hulk Hogan into his rasslin' company. He talked up his Atlanta Braves, talked up TBS, bragged that he started the Gulf War himself, so that CNN could cover it before anyone else, yet not even that pesky James Bond couldn't stop him, chucked Rupert Murdoch the finger on live TV, and gave the Tomahawk Chop and told Native Americans to piss off if they can't take a joke. -Nick Bockwinkle emceed the contract signing. I hear old Nick is currently roaming around Japan looking for that idiot Jumbo Tsuruta." "STEAL MY TITLE WILL'YA??? WHERE ARE YOU YA' GODDAM JAP!!!!" Alas, poor Nick is back on diapers. -Music clip reminding us that not too long ago, Hulk Hogan WAS WCW and WCW WAS Hulk Hogan. -We are reminded that Hogan DOES have a film career. To avoid public outrage, nobody tagged the word "successful" on it. -We are reminded that Mr. T was brought back with Hogan for a while, because Bischoff is THAT DAMNED ORIGINAL!!!!!!!! -Hey, Hogan was on "Baywatch" too! Yeah, that's something to brag about! -Are we SURE that they just didn't lift clips from that Wrestlemania Review on Sunday? -Do you realize that over the course of two days, we have pretty much been exposed to Hogan's entire life as a wrestler? -Do you realize that with the exception of those two NWO years, he hasn't changed one single iota? -Clips of Hogan beating Flair, Vader, The One Man Gang, the Giant and Arn Anderson. Watch carefully, and you can see Arn mutter, "If I have to put over this c**k sucker one more time, I may just fake a neck injury and retire early." -After 6 minutes of this... -We're back to Madden and Tony. They begin to discuss how they felt back then when Bischoff announced that they would be going head to head with Monday Night RAW. Tony said he felt nervous. Madden said he felt hungry. Now Tony is nervous about whether he has a job next week and Madden is still hungry. Some things remain constant. -"RAW" and "The WWF" is referenced 16 times in this segment. Madden said that Bischoff had a vision THEN, and he has a vision NOW! To bad this time, the WWF will be ready for them. -one question... is this REALLY WCW Monday Nitro LIVE? Are Tony and Madden there live as we see it? If not, then I suggest we SUE THE BASTARDS FOR FALSE ADVERTISING!!!!! HOW COME RYDER ISN'T ON TOP OF THIS??? WHATSAMATTER BOB???? WCW FATCATS GOT YOUR TONGUE????? -commercials. There's a hot new movie called "Ready to Rumble" coming out!! Stay tuned, and you might just see a commercial for it sometime tonight. -the OLD Monday Nitro theme. Featuring Hogan, Vader, and Sting. Was Vader on ANY editions of Nitro? I forget. -Eric Bischoff welcomes us to the "Land of 10'000 Lakes" (known to the rest of the world as "puddles"), Minneapolis, Minnesota. At the Mall of America. Back when WCW could FILL the Mall of America. -Shot of Bischoff and Mongo McMichael. Bischoff's hair is a shade of black that I doubt God EVER created. -The FIRST WORDS OUT OF MONGO'S MOUTH!!!, "Look at this venue here, this place is apprapo and that don't mean you're digging around in the dirt with farm implements, baby!!!" (whooph... how the CHRIST did they beat RAW again?) -Suddenly, Madden ain't that bad anymore. -back to the announcers. Bischoff's vision is a REALITY!!! Tony said he was so nervous, he walked around the Mall of America for 3 hours! Madden said he walked around for 3 minutes, got tired, then hung around the escalators watching the girls in miniskirts go up. -Madden called Brian Pillman his "close, personal friend". He is lying his fat ass off. -Hey, I was The Renegade's close personal friend too, PROVE ME WRONG!!!!!!!! -They show clips of Nitro's first match, Brian Pillman vs Jushin "Thunder" Liger. Pillman won, but look carefully and you can see Liger INJECT something into Pillman's rump following the match!!! Obviously, it was a slow acting POISON!!!! HOLY COW!!!! CALL THE CIA!!!! CALL THE PRESIDENT!!!! WE HAVE A MURDERER IN JAPAN AND WE GOTTA BRING HIM BACK!!!!!!! -What do you want? I'm recapping a HIGHLIGHT REEL!!! -Look closely and you can see in the back, Arnold Schwarzenegger chasing down Sinbad and screaming, "GIVE ME THAT DOLL!!! MY GIRLY MAN SON NEEDS THAT DOLL!!!" -lame, I know, but I enjoyed the dumb reference. -Tony recalled how he saw Lex Luger at the Mall of America that night, and how Bischoff masterfully PLUCKED him away from the WWF, even though he worked for them on THAT VERY WEEKEND!!! (Yes, and BOY, was Lex the top guy there!!! His last act as a talent there was getting punched out by a dazed Diesel after a PPV win against... Sid?) -Madden said that first Nitro basically changed OUR ENTIRE LIVES AS WE KNOW IT!!! Lord knows I started jerking off less after that first Nitro. Plus, when I DID jerk off, it was to WOMEN now. Such is the power of Nitro. Such is the power... of Eric. -They show the old Nitro theme AGAIN!!! We have seen more of Vader in the last 20 minutes then we've seen for the past 2 years. -Liger and Pillman are introduced, because the match was THAT DAMNED GOOD!!!!! -Then we see Ric Flair fight Sting. Sting is in his old bleached gimmick. Now that I think of it, Sting is kind of old for that Surfer punk look now. -Gee, Sting vs Flair? Who wins this match? -Nobody, Arn Anderson showed up and started fighting with Flair. Remember that feud? Flair put Old Arn over TWICE. That's love, that's love. -Clips of Hogan vs Big Bubba Bossman. Lord knows we ALL need be reminded of the single worst career move in The Boss/The Guardian/ Big Bubba/ Ray Traylor's LIFE!!! -Oh yeah, we also glimpse Lex Luger making his WCW return. Wisely, they avoided any and ALL guffaws from the audience by NOT showing the clip where he says, "I am sick and tired of playing with KIDS!!" A problem Lex NEVER had to worry about ever again. -The Announcers are still recalling the boners they were popping after that first show. -Tony teased that coming up next, Memorial Day... ooo let's re-hash THAT piece of business again, shall we? -commercials -Tony said that as the weeks progressed, the fans were getting more and more into it. Madden said "F-It", held up a drawing of Bischoff's pecker, and ate it. he's gonna KEEP this gig goddammit. -Didn't Eric used to HATE Madden? Didn't he FIRE Madden once? How great would it be if Madden was fired AGAIN? How great would it be if we barraged his e-mail addy with e-mails screaming, "LOSER, LOSER!!!!" -Clip from the Nitro that officially went to a two hour format. Operation Kill Vince was WELL underway. -We see Flair and Anderson against Buff Bagwell and Scotty Riggs. There is nothing gayer than a team named "American Males". Jeeze, the Beverly Brothers took one look at them and yelled, "FAGS!!" -Scott Hall made his first Nitro debut. Yes people, that night he completely infringed on his Razor Ramon character. Nobody alive named "Scott Hall" can possibly have an accent like that. -"Pitbull" Craig Pitman took on Dallas Page -The Shark is NOT a Fish, nor is he an employed worker at the moment either. -There's the Giant. Look at how skinny he was. -Lex Luger racked someone too. What an exciting two hours!! -Sting fought Scott Steiner in the main event. They WERE friends, but the THIRST for competition and the DESIRE for the gold literally FORCED THEM to go at it like Roman Gladiators!!!! IS IT ANY WONDER STING GREW OUT HIS BELLY AND STEINER STARTED MISPRONOUNCING "MESMORIZED"??? -Quick shot of Scott Hall verbally berating Bischoff and Bischoff acting like he didn't want him there. -The Announcers remark about how Nitro was all about cheap heat by delivering surprises week after week. Madden talked about how Eric scoured the world for guys shorter than him to put in the ring. Thus was born, the Cruiserweight Division!! -Lots of Cruiserweight shots. Malenko, Benoit, Jericho, Eddie Guerrero... and a bunch of idiots in masks. Mexican Idiots... or is that an oxymoron? -of course it is NOT. How dare I. I apologize to idiots everywhere for calling them Mexican. -Remember, back when Nitro first came on, Jericho was hated by EVERYONE. He was a total spazzcase. -Tony and Madden said that at this time, Nitro needed ONE thing to put them over the top. -Then Madden plucked an imaginary toothpick out of his lips and flicked it into the camera. He makes a face while doing it. Making faces is NOT something Madden should be doing. It's not like he has a lot to work with as it is. -Of course it's an IMAGINARY toothpick. Madden ain't one to take anything out of his mouth... in case you didn't notice. -teaser shot of Scott Hall, "Jew people, Jew know who I am!" (Yes, but us Catholics have a pretty good idea too) -commercials -Diamond Dallas Page tells us NOT to work a match of our own without proper training. The same advice applies for working Kimberly over with a dildo too, YOWZAA!! *rimshot* Take my wife... PLEASE! -Tony and Fatten talk about the night Scott Hall came out. Well, Tony talked. Madden was busy trying to convince a Judge that he was a "Wrestling Journalist". The Judge was busy trying not to crap in his robe from laughter. -Madden said that the next week, Hall was joined by Kevin Nash. Of course, it was TWO weeks after, but why intrude on Madden's sloppiness? -The Scott Hall, Kevin Nash, Eric Bischoff thing is played out. It WAS exciting. It was mark city, go ahead... it's okay... you can admit it... you marked. ADMIT IT DAMN YOU!!!!!! YOU CAN STILL BE UP MCMAHON'S ASS IF YOU ADMIT THAT YOU MARKED FOR ALL THIS!!!!! THIS WAS ALL BEFORE THE INTERNET ROSE UP AND RUINED EACH AND EVERY SURPRISE!!! THIS WAS BEFORE HYATTE RAINED DOWN ON THE PARADES OF ALL THESE PUSSIES AND SPREAD FEAR AND TERROR WITH EVERY COLUMN!!!! YOU CAN ADMIT YOU ARE A MARK!!!!!!!! ADMIT IT!!!!!!!!!!!!! -Well then F-You... lousy ass MARK!! -We see the night Hogan joined the NWO! Hey, I was at that show!! I'm there in the back holding up a sign that read, "HYATTE RULES!!" Even though it was a year before I started recapping for Scoops. Even then I knew... I knew. -Did I ever mention that I started the whole throwing debris in the ring on this night? I did, well I lied. -See that sign in the back that read, "I BANGED SHANNON'S MOM!"? Well, that was NOT me! It wasn't, I swear. -Back to the Announcers. This was ALL Eric's plan, this was ALL Eric's idea. Madden said that Hogan didn't want to do it, but Eric talked him into it. Eric, Eric, ERIC!!!! -MORE FU**ING LIES!!! It was HOGAN'S idea. Nash said it HIMSELF. Boy, Mark's just re-writing history as he goes along, isn't he? -We see that infamous Nitro where Luger and Sting stopped the match to run outside and see... -Hall and Nash lay waste to everyone. I like the part where Scotty Riggs runs out. Gapes slackjawed at hall and Nash, quickly try to remember if he is supposed to attack them, decides that he's not scripted to, yells, "MARCUS!" and runs over to Buff. -Rag on him all you want, but Rey Mysterio being launched into that trailer was one HELL of a bump. -The carnage, the horror. Sting tending to Bagwell and yelling, "Eddie!! Eddie!! What happened?" Guererro yelling back, "Take a wild guess, douchebag!!" -Rey Mysterio was able to yell, "THREE!!! THERE WAS THREE OF THEM!!!" Which serves to point out that this occurred BEFORE Hogan turned Heel, thus even in their recaps, WCW can't get anything right. -commercials. TNT has a special that will try to answer the burning question, "Where does Evil come from?" (Easy one. Through Chemical Imbalances. There are truly very few "evil" people, and those who are quite insane. Nero played the fiddle as Rome burned, Hitler yelled at imaginary Ghosts as the Allies closed in, Chapman was fixated on "Catcher in the Rye", Hinkley was fixated on Jodie Foster, Dahmer was in turmoil over his sexuality, Fred Rogers was convinced his puppets talked to him.) -The second hour arrives in time to see Hogan welcome Eric Bischoff into the NWO. -Nice, long clip detailing Bischoff's never ending quest to get himself over as a legit talent. It was ALL about him, y'know. It was ALL about how he was picked on as a little kid, so he grew up, took karate, hunted Deer, and ran a company filled with larger than life men and proceeded to JAM his way into the midst of it. -The NWO. No wonder it burned out. Bischoff filled it with the biggest names. This "war" was so one sided it wasn't even entertaining. -They show the night they spent 45 minutes making WCW Nitro into the NWO Nitro. It was ALSO the first night RAW BEAT Nitro in the ratings in a LOOOONG time. I dare say this night is just as important as the night Scott Hall debuted. -They show Bischoff firing Referee Randy Anderson, then when the Ref brought his wife and kids out. Man, that WAS embarrassing. -"Bite Me"... remember that catchphrase that went nowhere, though not for a lack of marketing? -Tony called Bischoff a "talent". Sheesh. -Madden said that Bischoff was so good as a jerk, that people blurred the character with the real man. Yes, I heard Flair did that ALL the time while he was sitting at home watching Eric bleed his money out. -Tony changed topics and talked up the transformation of Sting. How he went from an exciting, enthused, energetic KING of the WCW to being a solemn, silent, mopey mid card worker who now just phones in his performances. My God, it's almost as if he left SCOOPS for ScoopThis! -Ahh, 18 months in the rafters, doing nothing. Kind's makes you wonder why Eric was relieved of duties in the first place? -Teaser tells us that up next, clips from the 100th edition of Nitro. The first 100 episodes generated a solid hour worth of highlights. God Bless this company. -commercials -We are all agreed that "Ready to Rumble" is going to suck right? -Good, then I can now admit, even though it WILL SUCK, that the scene where Rose McGowan rips off her dress... and David Arquette screams, "FOREIGN OBJECTS" and punches her in the face... well... truth be told... I sort of... found that part... rather... err... amusing. -Okay... I chuckled. -what? -Oh no... OH NO!!! STOP LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT!!! -I chuckled. I was amused! That's ALL I WAS!!! F-YOU!!! -... -... -..., ..., ..., (this is how NoSoul likes it) ..., ..., -ALRIGHT DAMMIT!!! I LAUGHED!!! I LAUGHED LIKE A RETARD!!! I CRACKED UP!!! F-YOU, F-YOU, F-YOU!!!!!!! -It was FUNNY... for Chrissakes. -This movie might not TOTALLY suck. It might not, y'know. -And Rose McGowan looks so F-ing good. I'd love to stick my toe in her faucet and file down my toenail. -Nitro will be in Denver next week. At the Pepsi Center. Pepsi is Coke's bitch, in case no one alerted you to this. -WCW Spring Stampede is coming. At this point, nobody's sure if there will be ANY wrestlers there. It might just be three hours of watching Madden make use out of every part of a Cow. -We are re-introduced to the Nitro Girls. Remember the one who married Shawn Michaels? No you don't, she no longer exists. -Tony and Mark discuss how Nitro started to fall at the hands of Eric Bischoff, but was quick to remind us that Eric Bischoff was the ONLY MAN IN THE HISTORY OF SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT TO BEAT VINCE MCMAHON AT HIS OWN GAME!!!!! (yes, then Vince changed the rules and Eric couldn't adjust) -Oh, I'm sorry, Vince RUSSO changed the rules and Eric couldn't adjust. Now Russo is on Eric's team, and Russo now wants to destroy McMahon. Dear God, it's over. It's all over. -Let's call this segment "McMahon gets bitchslapped", because that was the theme. -We are taken to Nitro's 100th edition. The first one that was 3 hours long. -Clips from the show. Forty Five minutes worth of excitement played out over 3 hours. DAMN, those were the days! -JJ Dillon was fresh from DESERTING THE WWF LIKE A THIEF IN THE NIGHT!!!!! (bet'cha he regrets that move NOW!) and was busy trying to figure out what Sting wants. -No, No, NO JJ, Sting doesn't want to fight Curt Hennig!!! LISTEN TO THE FANS, JJ!!! LISTEN TO YOUR HEART!!!! -sigh. You know, I really do have better things to do. -Luger vs Hogan for the belt!!!! Nobody bothers to remind us that Luger lost the belt 5 days later at the Road Wild PPV. -Tony is back to hint at an "experiment" that Bischoff was conducting at the time at the WCW Powerplant. (Yes, if he had just a few more weeks, he would have had that Perpetual Motion Machine problem FIXED!!! Damn that WCW and their impatience!) -Madden chided all who claimed that Bischoff could NOT created talent. Witness... GOLDBERG!! (rightaftertheseimportant) -commercials -We see Goldberg upset Hugh Morrus in his debut. -Tony is there and recalls how he was stunned to see some Jew named "Goldberg" on the programming sheets. What the hell is a JEW doing on WCW television??? Madden had no answers, choosing instead to call Goldberg an "Instant phenomena", who earned his success on "GUTS!! DESIRE!!! AND THE BIGGEST PROMOTIONAL CAMPAIGN SINCE THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT!!!" -although... *cough*... Goldberg took off long before the Blair Witch kids, but since everyone's re-writing history, I'm doing it too. -Madden called the Jackhammer, "The most feared move in the business", (It was the SPEAR YOU HORSE'S ASS!!!!! AND IT WAS FEARED BECAUSE HE REFUSED TO LEARN IT PROPERLY AND WAS BREAKING RIBS LEFT AND RIGHT!!!!!) -Although yes, it IS one HELL of a pretty move to watch. -BUT HE'S STILL AN OVERBEARING ASSHOLE!!! -Clips galore of the overbearing asshole. -Tony bragged about how WCW used to BEG celebrities to come to WCW shows, now they were turning celebs away!!!! -Oh God yes, let's bring up the whole Leno fiasco. -Ah, good...video clip offering direct proof that yes, WCW Nitro WAS number 1... at one time. It's been too long since they engaged in a little self-fellation. -commercials -Now Tony had to discuss Eric's downfall. The fast times, the loose women, the endless trips to the bathroom to re-dye. Eric's schedule was SO hectic, he actually had to take flying lessons and learn to FLY HIMSELF!!!!! (The amazing part is, he learned to fly with his feet so his hands can concentrate on curing MS. He also had a broom up his ass so he could sweep up too!) -Ah, so it WASN'T a lack of original ideas that killed Eric... it was the unGodly STRESS of running a company. Ah, okay. -Madden gleefully boasted that Vince McMahon's "creative wealth" had run dry at this time. Will someone please poison his Twinkies? -So, McMahon hired Vince Russo, who started "Crash TV", who started the pendulum to swing BACK to the WWF. -You know... that All day Wrestlemania package on Sunday was VERY nice and VERY fair with ALL the current WCW people who were there. Even LUGER was treated fairly. It was a honest look at the past, with ZERO bias towards those who jumped to WCW. Can you say the same about this Highlight reel? Is the WWF being treated FAIRLY here? -I'd also like to point out that Russo, even if he DID write 99% of the RAW while he was there, did not write a SINGLE SOLITARY THING that made it on air without McMahon's approval. It might be a rather weak argument, but so is the idea that Russo single handily made RAW what it is today. Because if that were true, then RAW would have sank right back down the INSTANT Russo bailed. -Footage of ALL of Eric's problems that caused WCW's downfall. None of which is really Eric's fault, don'cha know. -Hogan had his knee problems, which was a WORK!!!! (Guys, the man wore his do-rag on the OPERATING TABLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) -Hart was hurt with a groin pull. Jeeze, his brother fell 80 feet and he STILL worked the match. -Hall was drunk, which is pretty much as entertaining as he got in the company. He was a riot. I loved it when he would step into a ring, his opponent would follow suit, then he's step out and laugh like a Mongoloid. -Then there was Ric Flair. This whole ordeal was actually a pretty good angle/shoot in retrospect. -Then, of course, Flair had his heart attack. Swoosh!!! Right down the old Porcelain God. -Tony and Madden agreed that A: Bischoff was burning out and B: Russo was doing unbelievable things over on RAW. McMahon, meanwhile, had his thumb up his ass during all this. -Then Madden added that Russo was ALWAYS a fan of Bischoff, from day 1. LIES!!!!!!! OH GOD!! THIS SHOW IS NOTHING BUT LIES!!!!!!!!!!! -You know what this show is? Try to imagine what American History books would say if they were written by Full blown Nazis. Try to imagine Kurt Cobain's life story written by Courtney Love. Try to imagine Remy Artiega writing the SCOOPS life story. Try to imagine the Incredible Hulk's story written by John Byrne. -The problem is... we have WRITTEN PROOF just how much Russo "admired" Bischoff. In the form of back issues of RAW magazine. -THEN, Madden said that Russo BORROWED IDEAS FROM BISCHOFF!!!!! HOW DARE THAT FAT TUB OF... OF...well, DX... The Heel Promoter... a bald headed Goldberg wannabe. he might just have a point, this time. -commercials -WCW Monday Nitro theme. The new one. -Tony welcomes us to the NEW ERA THAT PRECEEDED THE NEW ERA THAT PRECEEDED THE NEW ERA THAT IS TO COME NEXT WEEK!!!!! -It was Hogan and Goldberg vs Flair and DDP, or maybe the other way around. Someone in there was tagging with someone else. -Tony says that many fans did NOT realize that Bischoff had lots and lots of jobs and was quite burned out. -Madden, who has seemed to have become the official WWF representative for this occasion, said that the WWF had "topped off" in the ratings, pulling in a WHOPPING "7" in the ratings (didn't they pull an 8 on the night Benoit and company debuted?). Madden assured us, a 7 rating is a "monstrous figure". (And Lord knows, if there is one thing madden and his mirror knows, it's "monstrous figures"). -Hey! What do you need to get a Female Giant off? -Why, a Monstrous Finger, of course!!! -So, Vince had brought Vince to the top. But he got bored, and took off to WCW, "before anyone knew it". Tony assured us that THIS story will be laid out for us right after these... -commercials -clips of some of Russo's PPV work. Neither Hogan, nor Bischoff want to remind us of the time Hogan laid himself on the mat and jobbed out to Sting. Because NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS IN WCW!!! HULK-A-MANIA IS STILL HULK-A-MANIA AND THERE ARE CHILDREN WHO NEED THERE HERO TO FIGHT EVERY BATTLE!!!!!!!! -You know, I had completely forgotten that Sting was a Heel for a brief time. -Lots of clips from Russo's campaign. Much of which (huh?) is focused on Goldberg's latest push. -Tony and Mark marvel about the miracle of Russo, and how Bischoff was just burned out. -We see Jeff Jarrett come back. Not exactly Scott Hall walking out announcing a war, but they will take WHATEVER they can get. -Dude, at this point, if Mae Young's contract was up, they would take her. -The next batch of clips can be called, "Nitro Tits", because that's what we got, and lots of them. -Since we're here, I might as well admit. When Russo told Torrie to put on the referee Bikini, and Torrie bitched about it, Russo told her to "Relax! Have a Creme Soda". I don't care WHO you are, if you reference "Midnight Run", you become 50 points cooler. -Slowly, this Russo highlight reel dissolved into the "Post Russo" highlight reel. Which is nothing I care on recapping. -Dustin Rhodes had a chat with a fake horse. Feel free to start shivering. -commercials. What is this movie, "Ready to Rumble" and why haven't I heard anything about it? -Tony and Madden go through one final round of Bischoff fellatio. Things are wrapping up. Tony didn't have the BALLS to announce that this Highlight Show will venture past the second hour. -Madden did the math, figured the TWO of the THREE MEN responsible for Wrestling's 90's success are in WCW's camp. (That's right, and they will NEVER HIRE ME AWAY DAMMIT!!!! SCOOPS COULDN'T TAME ME, THERE IS NO WAY I'LL LET WCW TRY!!!!!!!!!!!) -Madden assured us that this is NOT hyperbole, this is "Fat Man Looking to Keep Job". -Various Wrestlers are asked what they thought of this... to wit: -Brian Knobbs didn't care, so long as he got paid. -Tank Abbott didn't care, so long as he got laid -One of the Harris Boys didn't care, who cares why? -Flair was funny. He laughed, then said he couldn't say what he felt in ten seconds. He needs ten minutes. Ladies and Gentlemen, we are looking at a man who is about to get F-ed. We KNOW he's going to get F-ed, He KNOWS he's going to get F-ed, Bischoff and Russo KNOW that they are going to F-him. It really is a rare moment. -Then Flair said, "Call my lawyer". The man knows the SCORE!!!! -If there is any justice, he'll be doing what Foley did at Wrestlemania next year. -DINF doesn't care, so long as he gets a friggin' PUSH for once. -Tony promised us that Russo will work "24/7" with Bischoff. Why did he leave the WWF again? Something about being at Vince's beck and call at all hours? -Madden mentioned that he knew Eric Bischoff for 6 years now, he forgot to mention that Bischoff once fired him. -Madden pondered the differences between the two men. The differences in their principles and their thought processes. -Turns out, neither man knew diddly shit, other than this show is over, and next week... they try it again. Lord help us. -The show ends. Think Bischoff has changed? Think that perhaps his VERY public firing and his time away in excommunication has humbled the man? Do you think that maybe he is a new, more thoughtful, less arrogant man who will LISTEN to what others have to say? Hey morons, we just sat through a two hour Infomercial about how great he was. Entire chunks of History were re-arranged in order to sell him as a true genius. He hasn't changed one single BIT! He's as big a prick as always. Meanwhile, # of Black Athletes featured in this two hour show? 0. Chew on THAT tidbit a little while. Meanwhile, with 11+ hours of Wrestlemania and 2+ hours of RAW, I'm ready for a little WCW. I was really harsh this week (and not very funny, I know), but it's only so I can give the NEW Nitro a fresh look and a fair recap. I'm going into next week with an open mind. It should be interesting. Of course, it would be great if the show sucked. But we might as well admit that it'll probably rock. It had better. This is what we call a "closer". Enjoy it. So, I recently downloaded that "Cyber book" by Stephen King called "Riding the Bullet". It was free off Amazon.com. Not a bad read through, definitely his style, but it was a bit... blah. I won't ruin it for you, but the long shot is that it's a spin on a oft told tale. But it got me thinking. For some reason, I've been re-reading all of his books. Except for that "Dark Tower" series that I have no interest in. I only have a few left to go through before I finish the series. Since I am in such a Literary Frenzy over the guy, I thought I'd list some of his best stuff, in my view. Of course, with this column being what it is, I'll tag on some of his horrible, do-not-go-NEAR books of his that truly blew. Get your Library cards ready kid... time to do some REAL "booking". Because of the wide variety of his stuff, I've categorized this list into three parts: THE BEST, THE GOOD, and PURE CRAP. The BEST: Books everyone should read, Horror fan or not, because they are truly excellent page turners. 1) The Stand: It's a Masterpiece. King balances SEVERAL characters quite nicely in the overwhelming job of orchestrating the end of the World and the scattered few left behind. The one problem with it is the villain, Randall Flagg. You never really get a sense of who he is or what he can do. One chapter he's seemingly unstoppable, and the next, he's vulnerable. People say that King can get too wordy with his work, but in a book like this, every word he writes is important. Good stuff. 2) The Shining: The movie sucked. Both of them. Stanley Kubrick practically made Jack Nicholson a monster from the opening reel. The TV mini-series was watered down for the family. In the book, we see Jack Torrance get seduced not by the Ghosts of the Hotel, but by his own shortcomings and inadequacies. He starts out as a family man, and ends up a monster. It's also the SCARIEST book he has ever written. Anyone who remembers being a kid who was finally allowed to stay home alone at night when their parents were out, will read this and remember how much you peed your pants when you heard noises coming from the cellar, coming from the dark. 3) Firestarter: Not so much scary, but it's one Hell of a page turner. I love stuff about the "dark" side of Government, the stuff nobody knows about. 4) Misery: Quite simply, you can not put this book down. King hasn't written a better character, a more detailed character, than Annie Wilkes. People always talk about when she hacked off his foot with the ax, the part that gets me is when she sliced off his Thumb, then put it on top of a Birthday cake. 5) Eyes of the Dragon: It's his best villain, Flagg the Sorcerer. It's a deviation from the norm, a horror tale set in the times of Kings, Queens, and swashbuckling. I'm amazed nobody made a movie out of this yet, because it's also the flashiest thing he's written too. 6) The Tommyknockers: His hero, Jim Gardner, is probably the most tortured protagonist he's ever created. Gardner is a loser, and a raging alcoholic who spends much of the book sloshed out of his mind. Yet, he is also tragic, because he knows that helping his only friend dig up the Spaceship is the only way he can stay there and try to figure out a way to save her, even though she doesn't want to be saved. It might be my all time favorite. 7) Skeleton Crew: It's a selection of short stories. Of all his collections, this is the one with the fewest clunkers in the bunch. 8) Different Seasons: Four tales, three of them made into movies. The Fourth one, "Breathing Method", is really quite boring. Of the three, The "Shawshank Redemption" is really the first story that was surpassed by the movie in terms of quality. "Apt Pupil" is my favorite book of the four. 9) Desperation: King mixes in horror with a HEAVY dose of religion. One kid loses his whole family while pulling off miracles, and one old writer finally finds his own salvation. Plus, the part where the Monster takes over the boy's mother's body is a GREAT twist. 10) The Green Mile: Buy it as a whole, not in serialized form. 11) Bag of Bones: I'm a sucker for first person narration, and I believe it's his first book that almost qualifies as a genuine mystery. You learn as the character learns. It's hard to put down a book like that. 12) Christine: Again, I love first person narration. Can't get enough of it. 13) The Bachman Books: These are those four short stories lumped into one huge book. "Rage" was okay, "The Long Walk" was outstanding, "The Running Man" was outstanding, and "Road Work" is something I could never get into. Three out of four ain't that bad. THE GOOD: (Books that are more for the die hard fan. Most of which are really solid stuff, but none kept me up until the wee hours turning pages despite the time.) 1) The Girl Who Loved Tom Gordon: The good part of this book is the creature that keeps visiting the little girl, lost in the woods. He writes this Monster as some sort of Demon Beast. I couldn't WAIT to see it when it finally comes out. In the end, I was disappointed. 2) The Regulators: The fun part was how the characters from "Desperation" were the characters in here, with the same antagonist, yet in a different tale. It's not as good as "Desperation", and all of the religious aspects were jettisoned. 3) Thinner: Nice premise, but too slow at times. Plus the ending was ambiguous. 4) Four Past Midnight: Four stories here. Of the four, "The Sun Dog" was the best. "The Library Policeman" was the worst. "The Langoliers" and "Secret Window, Secret Garden" fell somewhere in between, especially since I got the twist at the end of "Secret Window..." right away. 5) Night Shift: Another collection of shorts. Just a few more clunkers in here than in "Skeleton Crew". It was his first collection, so I assume many of the stories were written just as he was getting the hang of it. 6) Nightmares and Dreamscapes: His final series of shorts. The first half dozen or so stories really rock the house. There is some vintage King in there. The second half is pretty cruddy, though. Many stories I can't even look at. 7) Pet Semetary: It's creepy stuff here, man. Really creepy stuff. 8) Carrie: It's his first book. It's solid stuff, but mixing in the narrative with "selections" from various books and transcripts about the girl and what she did really ruined the pace of the story. 9) Needful Things: When I first read it 7 years or so ago, I hated it. I just finished re-reading it, and while it's a bit short on actual Horror, it is a mighty good set of quick character studies, as well as being a pretty tightly woven storyline. King has major balls using Elvis Presley as the sexual fantasy of two fat ladies, I wonder how he got Graceland to approve it. 10) Gerald's Game: A girl gets handcuffed by her husband to a bed, then the Husband dies. The psychological reflections she goes through gets boring, but when she sees that figure in the shadows at night... and what that figure actually turned out to be... well, that's the price of admission right there. 11) Insomnia: Eh. Too slow at times. 12) It: WAAAAY too slow at times. A lot of boring characters, and let's face it... it is too long. 13) The Dead Zone: It's good, but it's one of his earliest books, and it kind of shows. Plus, we never see how the antagonist, Greg Stillson, could get away with being such a psycho, yet still be on his way to the Presidency. 14) Cujo: The part where the dog stakes out the woman and her son in the car is gripping. The characterization of small town life is fantastic. However, the whole Haunted Closet sub-plot makes no sense and doesn't go anywhere. Also, the sub-plot with the Mother of the dog's owner deciding whether or not to leave her husband and take their son with her just seems like King was looking to fill out the book. PURE CRAP (Stuff so bad, I could barely finish it.) 1) The Talisman: King wrote it with Peter Straub. Ironically, half of the book is a great read, and the other half is rather crappy. 2) The Dark Half: The premise was incredible. Much like his real life where some fan figured King out to be Richard Bachman, and tried to blackmail him with it, this played on the same path. Yet it just didn't work. I've tried three times to read it through, and all three times I quit. It's not a horrible book, it just doesn't have... it. Say, anyone else think that I make an excellent George Stark to Zimmerman's Thad Beaumont? If he tries to bury me, I'll kill him. 3) Dolores Claiborne: Never read it, never will. 4) Rose Madder: Wife escapes from an abusive husband. Abusive husband goes after her. Wife hires a demon in a picture to take care of Husband. Or something. I read it once, or tried to. Virtually unreadable. 5) ‘Salem's Lot: Ugh. back when I was a teenager, I thought this book was incredible. I read it again recently. It's a mess. The main characters are basically pussies, the Vampire does things which are never explained. The plotting is sloppy, the pace is way off. It's a big mess. There you go, my walk into Literary waters. Haven't read "Hearts in Atlantis" yet, so that's why it's not in there. Okay, so it isn't Melvin. So it isn't F. Scott Fitzgerald. None of these books are going to be the next "Catcher in the Rye". Who cares? They are FUN! It's entertainment that will spirit you away from the doldrums and miseries of everyday life. Eat me AND F-You Ooops, I insulted my audience, now they will never read again. Crap! Hey! When is it my turn to be Dusty? I can say "Douchie" with the best of them! Speaking of novels, it's high time to end this one. COMP USA SUCKS!! I'll tell you why next week. kcid ym kcus ettayH si siht