Nitro Mop Up ... by Chris Hyatte

Mop-Up Nitro week of 4/6/98 Your Nitro reports are pathetic. All you ever do is bitch about how WCW sucks. My GOD! If WCW sucks so much, then why do you donate three hours a week to watch Nitro, and then write a report about it. Seriously, you must really be a loser if you got that much time to waste. And secondly, I have noticed that you have placed Vince on a pedestal. Well for every Undertaker that he creates, there is either a Red Rooster, a Repo man, a Mountie, or a Double J Country music star. I will admit that Vince has come up with some decent gimmicks. But you have to admit that he has come up with a lot of dumb ones too. And that is why more people watch WCW now, then WWF....deal with it You are sure one pathetic loser. You have nothing to do but waste your time watching something you hate, and then writing about it. That is over three hour a week. Think of all the masturbation time you are missing out of dog? Scott J. Huth HUTHSJ@udmercy.edu: Mop-Up reader, masturbater, and someone who has no clue what the word "pathetic" actually means, he just uses it to feel smart (you just KNOW he's reaching for the dictionary right now as I speak). Hello! I'm Chris and the is the Mop-Up....let me re-phrase...this is a NEW EDITION of the Mop-Up. Freshly baked, piping hot out of the oven, and ready to spend a good 8 hours poking sucking holes into the Monday night shows. I guess some explaining is overdue, so here we go. It was MY FAULT that there was no column last week. In a bitter twist of irony, SCOOPS has provided me with a way to get the columns to you without using the seldom reliable E-Mail....now I can send it through by way of Web Interface...or some other nonsense like that. Well, Monday, after working ALL FRIGGIN' NIGHT on the damn thing, I pushed the worng button and BLAMMO....I lost over HALF the Mop-Up to the "great unknown" world of total deletion. Now picture this scene: You've been up all night, it's 8:30 in the morning, you just lost half of the column that you just finished...what would you do? That's right, you send a note to SCOOPS and apoligize for the mess up and you go straight to bed. So it was a stupid ass mistake on my part, which probably cost me more readers than I care to think about.....(Hell, combined with the move to the ARENA section, as well as the less than reliable posting of this thing in the last month...I doubt I have any readers anymore). Still, it's a new column this week, and I am renewing my goal to deliver a new column every week.....let's all pray now. By the way, I had a "test run" over the weekend and planted an old column from waaaay back in there..so if you checked it out, you got a blast from the past...(or a blast out of my ass..however you want to phrase it). Okay, I just want to address this issue then we are off and running. After comments made by the Artist Soon To Be Known As X-Pac concerning Bischoff and Hogan, Uncle Eric his own damn self went on a Prodigy chat...(show of hands, how many of you folks think that Eric SPRINTED to the phone to wake poor Bob Ryder out of bed the very SECOND he heard Syxx's comments?). I have three things to say about it...(don't worry WCW fans...it's not as brutal as you may think) 1)It seems clear to me that Eric is desperate for respect. Why else would he book himself on the Canadian "Off the Record" (should that be "On the Record"? Ahhh, who cares...it's a Canadian show fer cryin' out loud), the week after Vince does it. I'll bet any $$ that his biggest problem was that Vince referred to Ted Turner as the guy who calls the WCW shots...and almost ignored Bischoff's position, (and you KNOW Vince did it intentionally...just to piss him off). Now, after Syxx voices his displeasure over being fired via Fed-Ex...Bischoff hauls ass to Prodigy for a chat. Coincidence? I think not. But who cares really? Eric on Prodigy provides Internet jockeys oodles of material to work with..so it all works out. 2)The thing is...Eric doesn't SAY anything!!! And when he does..it's usually a LIE. "WCW has no place for the Ultimate Warrior", "I haven't spoken with Tony Norris". Now these claims could be the truth..but dammit, how can just about every Internet source be wrong? (okay, take away the fact that most web sites just take their news off other web sites). It seems to me that all Eric wants out of Prodigy is a forum to rip on Vince and the WWF..and any "insider stuff" he gives us is vague...to say the least. The biggest problems with these chats (all of them..including Vince and the rest of the WWF stars on AOL) is that it's not really an interview....I can't tell you how many times I read these transcripts and screamed for a follow up question to one of his responses. This way of taking questions from the readers and giving them to the subject one at a time is NOT a good way to interview...it is a PERFECT way to spread pointless propaganda. How about taking all questions from the fans as usual..but let the "interviewer" ask his own questions when the situation warrents it! Of course, it's tough to ask "tough" questions when you have to worry about getting the subject back for another go round one day...but just remember, when Eric goes online to respond to questions...You are doing HIM as much of a favor as he is doing YOU (again, I must add that this applies even more to AOL's treatment of Vince and the rest of the WWF than it does to Prodigy and Bischoff). 3)Finally, last week in the "Inside Scoops" section...someone named "Jwam" submitted his gratitude for Eric's Prodigy appearence. I thought the "Inside Scoops" was there for up to the minute news updates....and not opinions? Finally, even though I gave you 4 WEEKS, some of you told me of some OTHER wrestlers who are hooked on the nicotine. It's a day late, a dollar short, but then again...this IS the Mop-Up we are talking about...where "day late, dollar short" isn't just an expression....IT'S A WAY OF LIFE!! Lex Luger smokes Kevin Nash chews Eric Bischoff sucks Okay, so the last one was completely unnecessary....but I just couldn't resist. R.I.P NoSoul....now THAT was easy. I do want to thank him for giving my Villano Interview a plug before he pulled his own plug. Okay, enough of the farting out of my mouth. It's time to get back to bizness. It's time to take a hard look at everything and find the best possible way to make fun of it. I am celebrating my return to action by FOREGOING the obligatory 6 pack that I keep by my side. No, this is a special occasion...so I'm breaking out the WHISKEY and I am getting JIGGY wit' it!!!!! Drinks are on me kids as we begin ye old RECAP!!!! NITRO (or No Bischoff!!! THE BEST NITRO EVER!!!!!!) Let me run it down for you double quick....for those who accuse me of being Pro-WWF, let me cheerfully shove this in your bong to puff on.......ANYONE WHO THINKS LAST WEEK MEANS THAT RAW IS GAINING MOMENTUM IN THE RATINGS RACE IS FULL OF HOPE, PRAYERS, AND NOT MUCH ELSE!!!! Nitro will re-assume the strong lead from now until RAW moves...THEN "Monday Nitro" will soon become "Tuesday Nitro"...or "Wednesday Nitro"...or "(Whatever night RAW comes on) Nitro". This is half fact (who would win the ratings) and half GUESS (if they would follow RAW wherever they go). -opens with a shot in the back parking lot....it's a somber occasion as Randy "Macho Man" Savage is seen on the ground....practically comotose in pain. Tony, Tenay and Zbyszko play all sorts of dumb...(nothing really new there). -Elizabeth is in near tears as she watches her alimony checks vanish before her very eyes (THE WOMAN SIMPLY MUST GET HER DAILY MASSAGES DAMMIT!!! SHE IS NOT AN ANIMAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!). -Tony insists that he doesn't want to start the show on a "down note" (Why not? It's the best damn show you have ever done so far?), so they cut right to the first match. Me? I already narrowed the Savage attackers down to 4... 1: Doug Dillenger: He was seen right next to Savage the whole time...being the AntiChrist, it would be child's play for him to send a lightening bolt down on poor Macho. The question would be.....why? 2: Faarooq: See the RAW recap.....they are BOTH outside??? Coincidence? I think NOT!! 3: The Villanos: AND BLOODY WELL WHY NOT?!?!?! 4: Ray Traylor: HE DID PROMISE TO TAKE THE NWO DOWN BABY!!!!! THIS IS ONLY THE BEGINNING!!!!! -Incidentally, that Savage shot was pre-taped...I know this because Miami is on the East Coast....WEELLLLL into the East Coast...much like where I am now in Rhode Island. I 95 is only about 10 miles from where I am, and a few hours (days) on that road takes you smack dab into Miami...the point is that while I was watching Savage get loaded into the ambulance, it was already dark out...very dark...yet it was light out in Miami...what does that mean? It means it was PRE-TAPED!!! Dammit, THIS IS THE MOP-UP....THE HOME OF USELESS INFORMATION!!!!!! AND F'K'N PROUD OF IT!!!! -Anywhoo...the opening match was El Dandy, Psychosis, and La Parka against vs 3 Japanese. No one bothered to graph their names to the screen...and I ain't even trying to phonetically pronounce them in writing. -Umm, Psychosis kicked La Parka in the "pinatas"....so La Parka chaired his ugly masked ass out after they won the match....that's all you really need to know. -back to Savage outside..the Paramedic were taking a long time in getting a neck brace on Savage..that was probably because he was screaming, "I HURT MY LEG YOU DIMWITS!!! NOT MY NECK!!! OOOOOO YEAH!!!" (Savage is contractually obligated to end EVERY sentence with "OOOO Yeah"). -commercials -Well, we were treated to the first 15 minutes without Tony screaming out his larynx over how much better Nitro is than RAW......well.....that just ended as the.... -opening fireworks... -went off and Tony tried his best to act like all Hell was breaking loose. This being Miami..all they had to do was yell "IMMIGRATION".....half the arena would have freaked out and caused a riot in trying to get out of there. -Disco Inferno ran to the ring to take on Booker T. (whose apparently AMISH.....judging from the way everybody wants him to "raise the roof"!! Go figure). -You know..while everyone's attention was diverted, DINF turned into a DAMN FINE WRESTLER!!! Hard to believe he was the same jobber who's biggest in ring gimmick was that leg lock move that he never could remember...Alas, the Mighty DINF Push: Phase III was NOT to occur...Booker ended up winning the match. (Note: At one point, it looked like DINF was about to apply the "Chartbuster", but then remembered that Ed Leslie was now the proprietor of that hold....the rat BASTARD!!!) -HOLY SH&#!!!! The Nitro Girls make there way down the ring....I can't keep my eyes off Kimberly's bongolios...God..Look at those puppies BOUNCE!!! Excuse me for a second....there ain't no Master of no Domain in the Hyatte household....be back in a sec.....errr..I mean a FULL 20 MINUTES!!! YEAH!!!!!! -comrcials...ooooooooo baby.......ahhhhhhhhh -sorry 'bout that....(ick, my fingers are so.....oops, family page..nevermind) -a-HEM..back to business...the sight of Tony (who must be the LUMPIEST announcer on the planet...(JR was born fat, so there is a certain gracefullness about him....Tony just OOZES in his seat...Kevin Kelly is Tony's closest competitor) snaps me back to reality. -they show a black and white coolage concerning Savage, Nash, and Hulk Hogan (Credit Syxx for making sure to call him HULK and not HOLLYWOOD last week...that was a much NASTIER shot than anyone on the 'net gave him credit for). Credit WCW also for teaching the kids, (and Scrabble fanatics) how to spell, pronounce, and define words such as "POWER", "CONFLICT", and "ONE"....see, not only is Nitro LOADS OF FUN FOR THE WHOLE FAMILY...but you may even LEARN SOMETHING!!!!!! -Lenny Lane (whose parents listened to one "Beatle" record too many) comes to the ring to take on Kidman. The SIGN OF THE NIGHT goes to the guy who walked across the row divider with a sign proclaiming that this is a good time for a "BATHROOM BREAK"...(Dillenger was later seen running full speed after him, wishing that this was another outdoor show so he could get another bolt of lightening up the kid's ass.) The timing of the sign was perfect as Tony was discussing just how damn good Kidman was as it came out...in fact, Tony noticeably paused mid sentence when the sign came out...then plowed on. A surreal moment. Kidmon won, then scratched his face..much to the delight of the announcers......don't ask. -Mean Gene bragged about hitting South Beach earlier today with nothing but a "loin cloth and Coppertone"....(oh Gene...you horny old queen you). Then went on to push the Hotline, making the claim that...and I quote, "It's something you NEED to know." -then he brought out JJ Dillon...to a surprising chorus of boos! JJ said that there is additional tape that was shot of the Savage attack..but they couldn't show it because RAW WASN'T ON YET!!!!!!!!!!!!! (not really, but that's what he meant). Geno made like Nostradamus and PREDICTED that Savage would be out for a while....Dillon avoided any and all questions about who would take Savage's place in the "Spring Stampede"..(in other words...Bischoff hasn't decided yet...or he's trying to get HIMSELF in the main event....Uncle Eric deserves it you know...after all, he is a MUCH bigger star than "Stone Cold") -Norman Smiley (who seemed sad...oddly enough) comes to the ring to take on...oh God no.....Konan....sigh. -Why can't someone call Immigration on KONAN???? Mind if I skip this match? Didn't think so.. -By the way...Vincent was with Konan....I'm GLAD Bischoff kept Vincent around...he's harmless, (both in the ring and out) and has no real future in wrestling outside of Hogan's little circle...or whoever's circle he runs in. Let him hang around. -Oh yeah, Tony announced that Sting was taking on Nash tonight (convienently about 10 minutes before RAW comes on the air...don't you even DARE THINK ABOUT SWITCHING PUNKS!!!!!!!!!) -Savage was FINALLY being loaded into the Ambulance...(remember...it's pre-taped, so it didn't take nearly that long). -The Nitro Girls and the RETURN of the "On the Road" report...I'll discuss THAT some other time. -footage from last week's RAW where DDP chased Raven away from the ring..and chased our hopes away from a unique Raven vs Buff fight. -Buff Bagwell comes to the ring to take on Diamond Dallas Page for the US title. Assuming that Bags is still "field testing" his groin, I don't expect a long one. -err....that should be his groin INJURY.......I apoligize. -Buff's doctors must have been feeling generous, 'cause they gave him some repectable time in there...alas, as with ALL things Bischoff, Raven showed up over the loudspeakers from the bleachers and called Page out. Page forgot about the match and took off. DouchebagWell won the match, but not the title. He grabbed the mic and charged that he was the US champ ahnd demanded the title. Page snuck up behind him and caught him in the Diamond Cutter...Buff went down harder than Monica Lewinsky....or Alanis Morrisette in a movie theater. -commercials -The Second Hour erupts with all the force of.....well, it really didn't even erupt....more like fizzle a little. -RAW is on..so you know what that means... -that's right..footage of what happened to Savage!!! NOW WE'LL GET SOME ANSWERS BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!! -We see a car burning rubber and fishtailing as it leaves the scene..Savage is already down. Vincent and Beefcake were seen on the....uh scene. Well, THAT was worth missing the opening of Ally McBeal!!! (You thought I'd say RAW didn't you? HA! Hyatte is a BIT more tricky than THAT!!) -by the way...SPINEROONI SPINEROONI SPINEROONI!!!! It's not a word..it's a state of mind!! -Well, the good times are over....Hendrix blares and the NWO come out in force (minus Nash and Hall of course). -HEEEEEEEYYYYYY!!!!!! Bischoff isn't THERE!!!!!!!!!! ALRIGHT!!!!!!!! NITRO WINS, NITRO WINS, NITRO WINS!!!!!!!!!!!! -Well, maybe not...I should see RAW first....it's only fair. -Incidentally....if Beefcake is my "boss"...then I QUIT! -Do you REALLY have a NEED to hear what Hogan had to say? You can't figure it out? -Isn't it ironic that Beefacke is now the "Disciple of the Apocalypse"...and yet Crush is standing in the ring next to him...and he ain't no disciple no more? (double negative..I know..but it's how the kids are talking nowadays) -commercials -A video of the Bischoff creation known as GOLDBERG!!!! -Hammer comes out to take on the, the, the CHALLENGE OF A MAN KNOWN AS GOLDBERG!!!! IS HAMMER THE MAN TO FINALLY END THE REIGN OF TERROR KNOWN AS GOLDBERG????????? -oh of course not...Goldberg slapped the heroin outta him...Saturn was so steamed that he beat on Hammer a little as well. Golberg is now 69 and 0...while I have yet to achieve ANYTHING having ANYTHING to do with that particular numeral (and I ain't talking mathmatics here kiddos). -commercials -Uh oh...Tony announces that Nitro is coming to Providence Rhode Island in May...more on that later..but no, I ain't going. -In the ring, Mean Gene brings out "Rowdy" Roddy Piper...Tony takes a sec to remind us that all the heat that is going down tonight can mean only one thing and one thing only...this simply HAS to be the GREATEST NITRO EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -In the ring, Piper went for the cheap crowd reaction by making a reference to the Florida Marlins. Piper also claimed to have "made a man out of Goldust" (No boos on that! Oddly enough! I mean that usually, a mention of a WWF star on Nitro brings out BIG TIME booing). The rest of the interview was just pushing the PPV and promising to beat up Hogan a little...nothing new here. -Bobby Heenan joined the fun by the way. -commercials
Go To Page 2