Raw Mop Up ... by Chris Hyatte

Raw 4/6/98 Coming off a hot, Hot, HOt, HOT RAW from last week, the WWF had no choice but to follow it up with a taped, Taped, TAPed, TAPED RAW this week...(they are on a world tour right now....I think). It's everyone's FAVORITE bridesmaid (never the bride..get it? GET IT? DAMN YOU!!!!!!) RAW IS WAR: (or the BEST Austin/Vince segment EVER) -Opens with a video segment asking the burning question.....Exactly how will Austin "get Vince's ass" as he promised he would last week? And more importantly, Why would he want anything to do with Vince's ass? I mean I know it's firm and tight...but.... -opening theme (note: Sid can still be seen in the ring..and Bret is seen very briefly...barely a glimpse) -Fireworks wake up the Vietnam vets in the arena...Good Ol' JR and Michael Kole barely get into why we shouldn't switch to Nitro when the boos erupt... -And out comes Vincent K. (Don't touch the hair) McMahon. Vince is smiling brightly at the reception..(it's more of a good natured smile than the smug smile we see on that "other guy"). -Vince simply tell the audience that he really didn't want to have Steve Austin arrested last week......but DAMMIT, the boy needed a SPANKING. Then he proudly boasted that he bitchslapped all the crudeness out of Austin and has created a WWF champion that we can all be proud of. In fact, if we were not completely happy with the new Steve Austin, then Vince promised "our money back"......(now why can't WCW Pay Per Views make that same offer?). -Getting right to business..the "Beast" Dan Severn makes his wrestling debut..and carrying FOUR title belts on him (Somewhere in Miami..the Ultimo Dragon saw that, gave the locker room TV a few of those rapid fire chest kicks and screamed, ".......how the Hell should I know what he FU&%$#@ screamed? I don't speak Japanese!!!!!!!!! Needless to say, the dude who once brought 9 belts to the ring was PISSED. -The showed a brief clip of "the Beast"....I wonder if Marvel Comics will sue? -Funny, I would have thought that he'd be a lot more muscular?!?! -Anywhoo, Cornette joined the broadcast team as Flash Funk tried his luck with Severn...unfortunately, all of Funk's luck seems to have left with his taste in wardrobe (and his HAIR!!! WHAT'S THE DEALIE-YO WITH THAT????????) Severn wasted him with a armlock submission reminiscent of the old Craig "Pittbull" Pittman move...(not surprising since Pittman used to be an Ultimate Fighter....or something like that). -Oh yeah...Is Mr. Severn paying homage to Freddie Mercury with that mustache or WHAT? -shot of DX backstage...that horny old Bad Ass is seen knocking on the ladies dressing room. -DX comes to the ring with a brand spanking new videoclip to go with the theme music...it's a rather blase interview...no biggy deals going on here...and no wear NEAR as cool as last week.....but the thing is... -Sean Waltman, now officially known as "X-Poc" (judging from the way Ross and Kole pronounced it..it sounds more like "pOc" than "pAc"...but then the graphics called him XPac), Trip H, and the New Age Outlaws were in the ring with Chyna...first of all...I have no doubts as to why XPac came back to the WWF....basically because WCW wouldn't allow him to do the "Crotch Chop" (which he invented by the way) now would mean old conservative Newt Bischoff allow him to scream "SUCK IT"...that's the only reason....trust me. -Anywhoo....after HHH made more comments about his seemingly MASSIVE genitalia, Chyna didn't look to pleased with him at all....(in case you didn't know..THEY ARE MARRIED!!!!! I SWEAR). -XPac made mention that this was NOT the place to find the "Grumpy Old Men", but to find the young and hungry. Then he claimed to be "getting jiggy with it".....(Oh for Chrissakes...I HAD THAT LINE FIRST YOU LITTLE FERRET!!!!!!!!!!...and doesn't he look like a ferret? Or some sort of rodent?) -Lastly...I'm sorry, but the Road Dog and Bad Ass does NOT FIT in this group....it's like sticking Konan and Norton in the NWO...it just doesn't work. It's like putting Mongo in the Horsemen.....no soup.....It's like putting Jim Cornette in a room filled with girls....IT'S NO DAMN GOO........well, maybe THAT works! -commercials -backstage with DX...they attack a guy who seems more like a Mexican mini than a real guy...stuff a trash can over him...then proceed to spraypaint crap all over the place.....okay, just because I know you look for this kind of stuff.....put your hand to the computer screen and say along with me.....MY GOD ALMIGHTY!!!!!!!!! THEY RIP OFF EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!! -Put your hand down you damn fools....what if someone sees you?? AND CLEAN THAT SCREEN OFF NOW!!!! No telling where your filthy hands have been. -The man who Glacier SHOULD have been...Steve Blackman comes to the ring to take on Brian Christopher.....this has potential.. -Then Tennessee Lee comes out and tell Jimbo that Jeff Jarrett will be joined by Country Music singer SAWYER BROWN!!!!!!!! in a sing-a-long or some other nonsense. -let's take a moment to collectively gasp -Good....after them match, which Blackman won by submission, he was distracted by Tennessee Lee long enough for Double J to crank him with a GEE-TAR...it was a NASTY shot. Then Jarrett celebrated in style and praised himself...(one thing I won't be praising is Jarrett's LACK OF FRIGGIN' INTEGRITY!!!!! Didn't he chastice Vince for making him do that nonsense just a few MONTHS AGO?????) -By the way..if I wanted to see a hoe down..then I would shoot my ex-girlfriend (not Amy, who is still the current)...Jarrett's "Unforgiven" role already sounds unforgivable. -Back in the parking lot with DX...HHH "triple dog dares" everyone to pee on the DOA's Titan Bikes...they did..but the censores were all over it....the sad thing is...THERE WERE NO PUDDLES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THUS IT WAS FAKE!!!!!!!!! THOSE MOTHER F&%*&#$@ BASTARDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THEY HAVE SCREWED US AND BRET HART FOR THE LAST TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -well, I'm not really mad...or even worked up....it's just nice to rail against the WWF every so often. -commercials -Cactus Jack comes to the ring with a chair in hand....as he takes his sweet ass (and BIG ass) time getting to the ring, we are treated to a replay of what happened last week in the cage. -Jack-be-ever-so-FU&%$#@-nimble is in the ring and sitting down. His little monologue is a tepid one...rather calm, yet kooky enough so that you know the dude will never play with any sort of a full deck. -Since I want to spend a lot of time on the Austin.Vince thing, I'll just nutshell this...basically, Jack said that he brought back Cactrus Jack because the fans demanded him....but when Terry Funk and him were laid out in the ring last week....all he heard was the fans chanting Steve Austin's name....and apparently, the boy didn't like it....he damn near hated it. -So he asked the fans to apoligize to him.......they booed. He registered his disaproval, then said that it will be a long time before we see Cactus Jack in the ring again....Then he walked off. There was a GREAT shot of him walking up the ramp, and sticking up his right arm in a pump. That was one for the magazines. So, I guess we'd best get ready for the return of Mankind......just so long as it isn't that STINKY POOPY Dude Love....PEEYEEEEEWWWWWWW. -commercials -footage from outside where the Nation of Procrastination (gotta get in the gym D-Lo) attacks Faarooq....hmm...Faarooq was just "hanging outside".....Savage was attacked while "hanging outside".....MY GOD!!! I WAS RIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -The NOD stick Faarooq in a wheelbarrel...or something like that...black men beating up a black man??? HAS JESSE JACKSON BEEN NOTIFIED?????? HOW ABOUT BILL COSBY??????????????????? -So the newly headed NOD come to the ring....Rocky is going to defend his IC title up against....... -commercials -Owen Hart!!!! The "Black Heart" barely had enough time to belt out a stirring rendition of "Crimson and Clover" when..... -the Rock attacked.....very solid match....best of the RAW night...it lasted straight through a set o' -commercials -the match continued until Chyna showed up out of nowhere and CRACKED Owen in the back with a baseball bat (I tell ya' when the WWF (MY GOD THEY) rips off (!!!!!!!!) something from WCW..they are usually sure to make the rip off better than the original...that bat shot was the UGLIEST MUTHALOVA I'VE EVER SEEN OR HEARD!!! That was a MONSTER shot. Thus, endeth the matcheth via DQeth. -One thing though...DX cheered Chyna on from the entrance way....when she re-joined them, she just dropped the bat at their feet and walked off.....methinks Chyna is jealous of XPac...because now HE has more estrogen then her....(or maybe she has more testosterone....however you want to call it). -For a change of pace...and to keep folks away from Nitro...they switch straight into the WARZONE without any commercials. -Jerry Lawler must have HAULED ASS to the table to take his place for the second hour....because he was there..and a bit winded. -Vincent K. (Toucha my hair and I puncha your nose) McMahon comes to the ring with two actors portraying cops. Jerry Lawler knocks the LIVING HELL out of me when he says, "I got a feeling that "Stone Cold" Steve Austin is about to become Vince McMahon's BITCH!!!!!" (can can can he SAY THAT?????????? WHAT THE HELL????) Oh trust me....my living room had a strong odor of whiskey and spittle on THAT puppy. -Vince wasted no time in introducing the "new and improved World Wrestling Federation champion" Steve Austin.... -Austin came out in a full suit and a baseball hat (a "Stone Cold" hat to be sure..gotta sell, Sell, SELL!!!!!!!!). For me..if he came out dressed like HULK HOGAN (Vince's GREATEST marketing creation....no matter what ANYONE says)......I would probably call it the BEST RAW EVER!!!!!!!...but he already did that in ECW.. -What may have been the SECOND coolest bit of all this...Austin went to climb the second rope and pump his fists to the crowd...but a look to McMahon stopped that. Vince had his hand out and was waving it no...with a contented smile on his face. -Wielding the mic...Vince started in on complimenting Steve for taking that first step in becoming the greatest WWF champ of all time. He applauded Auistin's resolve, dedication, and hard work...(at one point during this, Vince stopped to reprimand the audience for being too friggin' loud...Lawler agreed, which earned him a, "Will you stop sucking up King!" from Ross) -Vince had a problem with Austin's shoes...instead of the Gucci shoes, Austin had wrestling boots. Austin claimed that the shoes were too tight. Vince also had a problem with the baseball hat...so he took it off and pitched it to the crowd..(whoever got that sucker is one lucky prick). -I have to note....during Vince's speech, Austin looked out to the crowd...the look he had in his eyes was classic...we all knew what was coming, but Austin still shot us all a "wait 'till you see what's coming" glance..it was a nice touch. -Austin explained his change of heart by saying that he had a long converstaion with himself while getting pumped by the leader of the "Latin Kings" in jail...(well not really...but he pretty much suggested it...either that of the Jack Daniels was starting to get to me). -The end was near as Austin asked one of the officers to take a picture of him and Vince in the ring...the officer was glad to... (That picture is now the most VALUABLE PHOTOGRAPH IN ALL OF WRESTLING!!!!!!!!....well, right after the picture of Bischoff dressed as a fat chick and walking into a hotel room with Richard Simmons for a game of "Deal-a-Sausage" that Lee Marshall has!.....Okay, YOU explain why he still has a job!!!) -After the picture, Austin told Vince to get the film developed because this is the last time he will ever see Steve Austin running around with this "son of a bitch" on....then Austin proceeded to take off his suit and throw it to the fans..revealing a BRAND NEW AUSTIN SHIRT!!!! (OH FOR GOD'S SAKE!!! WE CAN'T TAKE ANY MORE NEW SHIRTS!!!!! WILL YOU STOP FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST!!!!!!!!!!). Oh yeah..and he was wearing black undies underneath...(me, I have been "going commando" since I was 16....MY dogs need room to groove). -To top it all off nicely, Austin grabbed the mic and advised Vince to "DTA" (you know what that means) and to "bow down to Stone Cold"...then he hit Vince with an AWESOME "nub shot"...now, what a "nub shot" is a low, underhand, palm down, little knuckle shot to the groin...it's very popular with guys in nightclubs and in school hallways....it hurts like HELL....but if done right, you barely feel grazed..until the pain settles in.... -Then Austin took a picture of Vince hunched over...then he gave the kids a Public Service Announcement and told them not to change for anybody. That pretty much ended things... -Guess what, for my money, that was the BEST Austin/McMahon altercation ever!!!!!!! I still don't like the idea of Vince's involvement with angles on air....but it's starting to grow on me. One week I'll get into why he is handling it MUCH better than Bischoff...who never seemed to be getting himself into these angles for any other reason other than for self aggrandizement. -commercials -Footage of what happened -The Disciples of Apocalypse come out to the ring and challenge DX to a match. They USED the word BALLS..and the censors let it go!!!!.. For some reason..DOA were acting all.....pissy (heeheeeheeee...I crack myself up) -Oh yeah...Lawler made liberal use of the word "BALLS"...I didn't think that he would have the BALLS to say the word BALLS on TV..that's a pretty BALLSY move....BALLS OUT a pretty BALLSY move!!! It takes some big BALLS to do that. -Lawler and Ross show us a video segment concerning Luna's challenge to Sable for an "Evening Gown" Match....suddenly...Jeff Jarrett's Country music silliness doesn't seem all that problematic any more.... -Goldust and Luna hit the ring. Goldust did most of the work, even though Luna was supposed to be fighting in the first ever "Inter-Gender" match (first for the WWF....Moolah and Wendie Richtor doesn't count...even though it's a tough call). Luna eventually won. -By the way..Lawler mentioned Andy Kaufman during this match...rumor has it that Disco Inferno is being considered for the role of Lawler...but WHY CAN'T LAWLER DO IT???? He has aged REMARKABLY WELL OVER THE LAST 20 YEARS OR SO!!! HE WOULD BE GREAT!!!! Of course, if Warner Brothers is making the film, then it all makes sense..after all, Ted Turner is a head honcho at Warner....do the math. Just don't cast CHRIS MILLER in the role...THAT boy can't act to save his LIFE....but he can do the MACARANA like nobody's business!!!! -I'll tell you what...I wouldn't mind sneaking a peek at Luna's "boonzoolies"..if you know what I mean... -Another segment with the mighty Val Venis.....I'll tell you what, this boy almost stole last week's show from the return of Syxx!!! Yeah, like I'm gonna goof on a guy doing a porn star gimmick..especially with rumors that they will be using REAL porn stars in future segments (come ONNN Chasey Lane)....all I can say is the last part, when they say, "Val Venis is Coming"...may very well be the DIRTIEST thing I have EVER seen on pro wrestling...oh man...it's amazing that many of these 'net hacks missed it or refused to comment...THIS is the stuff I LOVE!! By the way...Venis isn't the BEST looking guy on the planet...which makes him PERFECT for the gimmick...(Have you seen those porn guys? Man, they be fallin off the ugly tree and hitting EVERY limb) -commercials
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