Raw Mop Up ... by Chris Hyatte
Raw 4/6/98...cont'd
-The man who Bischoff claims is going nowhere in the WWF, Marc Mero comes to the ring...I (and anyone with an inkling of brains) claim that so long as he rides the pony phenom that is Sable, Mero's stock will skyrocket.
-In the ring, Mero wastes no time in demanding that Sable leave...he even called her "pathetic"...(Somewhere in L.A. Ike Turner is watching this and saying, "Damn, he should smack her around like I did to Tina!" Sable shrugs her shoulders and leaves, knowing full well that Mero will be back to feuding with Tom Brandy without her. As she walked away, Lawler told her to go kiss the fan with the "fever blister on his lip". Lawler wisely points out that nobody will be rooting for Sable in that match. Mero's opponent is Ken Shamrock. Before getting in the ring, Shamrock paused on the steps and took a deep breath. Some may call it "getting into the zone", but I think that he's now just praying that Vince won't make him do the job to Severn.....keep praying PALLY!!! Vince worked on signing Severn for a LOOOOONG time.....you be goin' DOWN!!!!
-the match last until NOD interfere...Henry ends up slamming Shamrock...you know the deal here.
-spot for yet ANOTHER Austin t-shirt
-Okay...the hour groweth late and I groweth drunketh...so we must quicketh our paceth...the good nooze....err I mean NEWS is that the rest was rather weak.
-Undertaker did an interview....and bragged about punking Kane's ass right into the bowels of Hell. Lawerl did a weak "Beavis" impression and squealed "Fire, Fire"...about two years too late Kingy!!! You have to start screaming, "MY GOD, THEY KILLED KENNY!!". Now....(actually, I was screaming "MY GOD!! THE RIPPED US OFF!!" when they didn't show the "Who is Cartman's father?" episode....Methinks those boys are getting too cocky for their own good.)
-Kane and Paul Bearer appeared on the TitanTron and were at the set where the fake graves of the UT's parents were lying...(Could that backdrop be any FAKER? Could the grass be any more ASTROTURF???). Let's move on..
-commercials
-DX comes to the ring to take on DOA (THIS IS A MAIN EVENT!!!!????????!!!!!!!!!) XPac joins the announcers and pretty much added NOTHING....other than mentioning that he was away for two years, but now he was back where he belongs.
-HHH ended up pinning Chainz..in a match that really wasn't that half bad. Afterwards, they string up Chainz against the ropes and proceed to bang away....the LOD 2000 (more on that later) charge and start banging DX...Sunny showed up just to give the nearby fans some bonies....Ross bellowed that it's a GANG FIGHT!!! or other crapola like that. That ended the show.
Honestly, the Austin/Vince thing totally saved it. It was a mellower follow up to last week's show, but still better than what they usually put out. They actually had 3 DECENT matches ?!?!. Still, it's hard to beat a Sting vs Nash affair. I honestly enjoyed both offerings....so I will give it a cheeful tie right down the middle. Both shows were solid...maybe Nitro has a slight advantage, if only for the stronger last half hour. But it's really too close to call. Closer time, then go away.
It's one of those weeks again. I am totally shooting blanks for a good closer. It seems like yesterday when I did my last poll. Another "Best Actress" list wouldn't have many new faces (other than Sindee Coxx....oh baby). Hmmm....what to do, what do do? Oh, okay, let's see if this works...
Here are some questions that don't really need answers, but feel free if you want to try....in other words..
THE MOP-UP RHETORICS
-Did the Undertaker help Sting move into the "darkside"? Did he sublet his condo to him?
-How much could a woodchuck REALLY chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? What kind of wood?
-If Austin didn't suffer from Male Pattern Baldness, do you think he would still be Stone Cold with long blond hair?
-Any clue as to what is Flair's original hair color?
-Isn't about time Pillman came back? This "dead" angle has gone on long enough! (That one was from the heart and meant in the kindest fashion..so don't scream that I'm being insensitive)
-Am I crazy or is Taz always in a bad mood?
-Is Ray Traylor always being chased by Tornados?
-Would Hyatte be as rough on WCW if Bischoff wasn't the guy running the show? (probably)
-If a tree falls in the woods, and no one is there to hear it, does it make a sound? (Of course it does..trust me)
-BUT..if Hyatte puts out a new Mop-Up..and there is no one to read it..is it really a column?
-Okay, bear with me. Barry Diller runs the USA network. Barry Diller runs the "Jerry Springer" show. Barry Diller just told Springer to start editing out the fights on his show. By running the USA network, Barry Diller also decides if RAW should be on his network. RAW can be worse than Springer on occasion. The question is...is Vince saying a special prayer to God and asking Him to make sure that Diller never watches RAW in his life? Is Barry Diller another one of those ego-maniacal billionaires who believe that the world should adhere to HIS principles?
-Why are wrestling fans ashamed to admit it most of the time?
-Which was worse? Vince screwing Bret? Or Eric screwing Syxx?
-Why do all wrestlers refer to their female parental units as their "mommas"? (DDP excluded of course)
-Am I crazy or are most High School girls as dumb as wallpaper?
-How can wallpaper be considered dumb?
-Why do they keep giving Piper straight to video movies that don't make a dime?
-How much would a can of "whoop ass" actually cost?
-Was that really the UNPREDICTABLE JOHNNY RODZ, who wrote to me some months ago and told me to cut out the references?
-Why do you have to take a poop immediately after getting out of the shower? Thus ruining the whole purpose of showering?
-Did Bischoff make a deal with Satan do give him a wrestler to SUCCESSFULLY market all by his lonesome? Would that mean that Goldberg is really the Devil Spawn?
-Concerning WCW's latest PPV Internet Card "Malice in the Palace"...can a wrestling event REALLY be taken seriously if a local DJ known as "Bubba the Love Sponge" is involved in TWO matches? (I never heard Bubba...but I'm sure he's funnier than Mancow).
-Is replacing a skinny, oft injured, arrogant member of the Kliq with another skinny, oft-injured, arrogant member of the same Kliq REALLY a smart move?
-Is there a proper way to spell "Kliq"? Am I even close?
-Am I crazy or is boxing more "fake" than wrestling nowadays?
-How can I make money off this column?
-Does any of this matter since the asteriod is going to kill most of us in the year 2023.
Okay, so they're not ALL rhetoric...sue me, I'm doing this on the fly. That'll give ya something to chew over. Me, I'm going to bed and sleep this BEAUTIFUL Jack Daniel's Whiskey (well, the bottle calls it a bourbon) buzz away. Here at home, we are experiencing wonderful above normal temperatures, thus I must say...perhaps for the last time...
GOD BLESS EL NINO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This is ...
Chris Hyatte
Go To Page 1