Nitro Mop Up ... by Chris Hyatte

read the RAW recap first...4/7/99 Mop-Up Nitro So just like I promised in the RAW recap...(I hope you read it....it is required reading....you won't get half the jokes in this one if you didn't read the RAW recap first)..here is the big WCW conspiracy: FACT: Rumor has it that Goldberg will make the cover of "Entertainment Weekly" and since MiCasa reported it...it'll probably be true FACT: Since the article will cover BOTH feds...and maybe even touch on ECW..there was probably a debate on which fed start getting the cover. FACT: Goldberg beat Austin to get the cover FACT: "Entertainment Weekly" is a wholly owned subsidiary of Time Warner FACT: Ted Turner is either a President..or a Vice president of Time Warner...either way...he is a higher up. CONCLUSION: Well gee...figure it out, douchebags. Thank you..so if some WCW hard core fan scream about this..feel free to calmly explain the facts. Let's get going... NITRO (or: A rose, by any other name...still smells like 9 matches nobody cares about and one decent main event) -BRAND NEW OPENING THEME!!!! Which I...ahh...missed...sorry...I was busy watching some bimbo get a happy hard one on Cinemax......my pants were around my ankles....there is MORE to life than wrestling y'know -opens with his Highness Goldberg...FRESHLY resurrected and sporting a backwards baseball cap (forget EVERYTHING I SAID...that boy is DOWN)...he is carrying a tub filled with balls...looks like he's gonna use his powers to rig the next Powerball and put a few extra millions into Bischoff's pocket -Tony Schiavone weighs in with the first of (I'm sure) MANY exhultations and screams, "IT'S A BRAND...NEW....DAY!!! IT'S A BRAND...NEW...MONDAY NITRO!!!!!!!!!! AS WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP WRESTLING...GETS READY...FOR THE NEW....MILLENIUM!!!!!!!!!!" Oh..so they are stockpiling food and water in an underground cavern too? Oh trust me people..the rules change...effective 12:01 a.m. January 1....2000.....I for one..can't wait. -So...by now you heard of the new "WCW symbol" that is at the entrance way and also is located at the corner of our TV screens for the majority of the telecast......I have no way of describing it..other than it looks like a penis with a THICK growth of pubic hair beneath. -Tony Schiavone is Bobby "The Brain" Heenan are our announcers...they are now situated at ringside.....with their backs to the fans. -Tony Schiavone has a new "90's do" haircut....his hair is still folded over to one side...but instead of a sharp comb over....his bangs are curled over over his left brow.....sort of like a dangling forelock type of thing. I wasn't at any WCW meeting...but I will bet BOTH my testicles AND a kidney that WCW hired stylists....probably gay male stylists...go over Tony with a fine tooth comb and make him more hip...more cool...more NOW for the kids.....Jim Ross's face is falling off and DAMMIT...THEY ARE GOING TO CAPITOLIZE!!!!!! -Tony is also wearing leather......as soon as Tony says something that makes me want to shoot my TV screen..I will begin to scream about this makeover -Heenan looks exactly the same.....God Bless him...I'm sure he fought tooth and nail with WCW to keep that look too. -"Mean" Gene Okerlund is in the ring...he calls out Goldberg.....why does he call out Goldberg? Because this is THE NEW NITRO AND THE NEW WCW BABY!!!!!!!!! WHERE EVERY SINGLE SECOND OF AIRTIME IS A MAIN EVENT ON ANY PAY PER VIEW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BATTEN DOWEN THE HATCHES PEOPLE...BECAUSE NOW NITRO IS GONNA SHOW RAW HOW IT'S REALLY DONE!!!!!!!!!!! -The Big Guy comes out..still carrying the drum filled with balls and still wearing the backwards ass baseball cap. Coolness...thy name is Goldberg! -Goldberg didn't heal jack squat...I heard him yell to a couple of lepers..."Maybe later!!" -IT'S A BRAND NEW NITRO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But it's the same old piped in chants....apparently, WCW would have us believe that every crowd...in every city...sounds exactly the same without change in cadence or inflection. -Now that I think of it...I'll bet my OTHER kidney that those same Stylists that did up Tony also made Goldberg put on that backwards cap......It's what ALL the kids are wearing today!!" -My mother used to do that...she used to say, "It's what the KIDS are wearing".....then she would stuff me in a pair of Dickies.....a PAIR OF DICKIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WITH TOPSIDERS!!!!!!! DAMMIT MOM!!!!!! I'M 17 YEARS OLD!!!!!! I CAN DRESS MYSELF!!!!!!!! I HOPE YOU GET CANCER AND DIE AND DIE AND DIE!!!!!!! -Then she GOT cancer..and she died.....boy...was MY face red.....I'm not sure..but I think I sold my soul off that one..... -Geno asked how he was doing, Goldberg said that his hands and feet were healing up just fine...but his head is till pussing up.....damn crown of thorns. And he actually ENJOYED those last three days of rest..... -Then Our Lord and Savior helped move along this foolish "Heel Flair, Heel" angle by saying that ever since he lost HIS title...he's been getting screwed by President Flair by not getting any real opponents.... - GB had that drum because since nobody wants to embarrass themselves by jobbing to him anymore, he'll just have to pick a name out of the bin to see who his next victim will be...... -Then Goldberg rolled his eyes back...fell into a brief trance...and said "4, 19, 24, 33, 38...AND THE POWER BALL IS....8".....hey...you could do worse than listen to the VOICE OF GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -Kevin Nash came out and said that there was no need for him to pick a name out...HE'LL fight him at the next PPV...conveniently set for this Sunday (ANOTHER ONE??? SO SOON??? OH FOR CHRISSAKES!!! GIVE US A BREAK!!!!!!) -Goldberg accepted the offer, saying that "Christmas comes early for Goldberg"...Christmas?? Christmas?? WHAT ABOUT HANUKKAH!!!! YOU ARE A FRAUD!!!! I SAY..A PHONEY!!!!!!!!!!!!! -Remember when I said his real name was "Rory O'Gould"? LOOKS LIKE HYATTE WAS A WEE BIT CLOSER TO THE TRUTH THAN YOU MIGHT HAVE SUSPECTED HUH??????????? -He ain't no Jew...HE'S A SCIENTOLOGIST!!!!!!!!!!! -Our Lord and Savior is a Scientologist?? Oh Lordy.....get those E-Meters ready.....'cause we are in DEEP shit here. -Backstage....a troubled Ric Flair sends out a brown nosing Arn Anderson to collect the FAKE Jew and the FAKE blonde....Arn steps "n' fetches it BIG time. -commercials -Well..those Nitro Girls are still around too......well...they are missing 2.....one of them is getting some surgery done to knock off at least 10 of her 35 years.....and the other is currently shagging Shawn Michaels somewhere... -Rikki Rachtman is back......RIKKI RACTMAN IS BACK????? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO -Are they out of their F'NG minds???? They are using RELICS FROM ANOTHER ERA to win over the crowd and get the ratings!!!!! Jeesus Christ on a slab of bacon grease....WILL SOMEONE GET RID OF THIS LUNKHEAD PLEASE?!?!?!?!?!?! -Rachtman is 40 years old with colored hair.....that's douchechill factor one -Rachtman has no clue about wrestling so he must read cue cards word for word with no room for improvising....that's douchechill factor 2 -Rachtman is HUMPING A VERY POPULAR AND VERY HOT PORN STAR BY THE NAME OF JANINE!!!!!!!....that's douchechill factor 3. -I SWEAR TO HOLY GOD PEOPLE....EVERY WEEK I try and try to look forward to Nitro despite all the crap they put us through....well, I don't look FORWARD to it..but I TRY to find something positive about it...but this...THIS...it's too much -Rachtman plugs the Hotline......as if you needed another reason to avoid that number -Kendall Windham suffered a loss to the SandHak in a special "Kendo Stick" match.....SandHak was using Mongo McMichael's old theme music.....draw yer own conclusions. -I don't recall there EVER being a Kendo Stick match involving the Sandman in ECW. -Didn't Hak leave ECW BECAUSE of getting hit by painful weapons like this? -Is two men beating each other with a Kendo stick "G-Rated" fare? -Does anyone care about the career of Kendall Windham anymore? Or Barry Windham anymore? -Remember when they tried to dress Kendall Windham up just like Steve Austin? -Have I ever asked 5 questions in a row here? -Will the last name of "Hyatte" get me laid at "Break the Barrier" in May? -Will there be any girls at "Break the Barrier" in May? -Does anyone care that I may be going to "Break the Barrier" in May? -Does anyone care about this match? -video package of Meng......isn't this the 90th time they pushed this guy? Who is he blowing? -commercials -Goldberg BARGES into Flair's dressing room and asks Flair what the hell he wants...Flair says that he never called for him...Goldberg notices that Lex Luger is in the room too and asks, "WHat the HELL is this!" You know...Austin is right...Goldberg has exactly ONE emotion...anger....he really has no character development at all. He's either pissed off...or he ain't on screen. -Besides...what the fu*k does HE care where Luger is? It is a free country after all. -commercials -Arn Anderson finds Kevin Nash and tells him that Flair requests an audience...Nash says that he'll be there when he gets there.....if you took a shot of whiskey for every time Nash manually flipped his hair during this segment..you would be totally "Faced out by now. -Konan and DINF are fighting this Sunday over a music video...yes people..it has come to this now. -Konan came out and did his thing......then defeated Lizmark Jr. It takes a Village to get through this with more enthusiasm. -One of Konan's moves were awesome enough to become one the Wendy's BIG SLAM OF THE SHOW!!!! I would have figured that the front row ticket prices for this travesty were the biggest slam......but what do I know... -backstage....Flair asks Arn where Nash is....then Nash shows up.....apparently, Arn has forgiven Nash for that parody thing. The show fades away as we are tempted by this drama... -commercials.....how could a cable network trumpet a movie starring TREAT WILLIAMS then have the NERVE to call themselves the "Best Movie Studio on Television" is beyond my capacity to reason. -Video package of Scott Steiner...is he a "Genetic freak" or "Genetic perfection"......I, for one, would LOOOVE to hear Bischoff explain how WCW has TOUGH steroid testing policies and keep a straight face at the same time. Someone tell Ralphus Ryder to get off his hillbilly ass and get another chat on Prodigy going. -Nash is finished with Flair..then runs into Hogan...Hogan is doing that "Seattle Grunge Flannel" thing....I have reached the conclusion that WCW will always be fashion clueless...they get NOTHING right.... -Konan's underwear sticking out of his pants.....Hogan's flannel......Tony's hair.......Bow Wow Wow yippie yo yippie yay......Piper as a face......DOES ANYONE OVER THERE WATCH MTV??????? -by the way...Hogan didn't like the sight of Flair and Nash palling around... -commercials -more stuff with Hogan and Nash....Hogan is acting like a jealous girlfriend.....even bringing up that hussy Sammy......righty O -What the Hell...it's time for a little CARNAC...for no real reason other than I want to..... -I hold in my hand an envelope! A child of four could see that it is hermetically sealed! It has been kept in a jar on Funk and Wagner's porch since noon today...NO ONE...has seen the contents inside this envelope but you, with your divine powers, will reveal the answers within without once OPENING THE ENVELOPE!!!!! -Yes......Carnac requests absolute silence from the crowd... -Often times...Carnac gets absolute silence... -Shut up...you fat f%$k -Ho ho ho ho hooo -The first envelope please -The first envelope.....hermetically sealed -*Carnac holds the envelope to his head* -Scott Hall, Sushi X, and Perry Farrell -Scott Hall, Sushi X, and Perry Farrell... -*rip....poof* -name a Boozer, a Loser, and a Lollapaloozer -BWAHAHAHHOHO HO HO HO HO HIYOOOOO -May your Boss suddenly hire ANOTHER recapper without telling you HAHYHAHAHAHAAA HOOOOOOOO -May Sean Shannon raid your refrigerator!!!!! -HIYOOOOOO -THANK YOU EVERYBODY!!! GOODNIGHT!!! -"Mean" Gene brought out Ric Flair for some business....Tony theorized that the fans hate Flair now because he is in charge and people hate EVERYBODY who is in charge. That's some smart thinking Tony...you DUMB ASS!!!! -Flair said a lot about Goldberg...without reaching a real point -Flair approved of Nash challenging Goldberg -Flair announced that he'll fight Hogan tonight. -Then Hogan came out...he chased Flair out of the ring.... -The fans cheered Hogan....a could REALLY use an explanation from someone as to WHY he is cheered....I mean, let's be dicks and pretend that there IS a WCW/NWO war for supremacy.....if Hogan is getting cheered..and Hogan is NWO..does that mean that WCW is saying, F-It....let Hogan be a face and the NWO can get more cheers than WCW? Then why not just let Hogan take the belt and call it NWO Nitro from now on?? -Just a question... -Flair as heel? Still too forced....as if they really WANT to cheer for Flair, but he is doing all the things that make him a heel.....it just looks too contrived. -The match was made....then all of the sudden..... -"Diamond" Dallas Page came out and IMMEDIATELY apologized to the Canadian fans for his remarks last week.....what a pussy. -Page isn't cheered as loudly as he usually is.....perhaps that vacation he took was a bit too long! -Page demanded that Flair makes this a 3 way dance......Flair says no... -Then Goldberg comes out.....Tony acts like his entire brain has Bell's Palsy and screamed, "WHAT DOES HE WANT??? WHAT CAN HE ADD TO THIS?????" -You know...Tony is now RIGHT THERE.....he is now WITH THE FANS!!!! His back is TOO THE FANS!!!!! How easy? How easy would it be simply to reach over and KNOICK HIM IN HIS PUDGY HEAD????? PEOPLE!!!!!! THIS IS YOUR OPPORTUNITY...NOT FOR JUST $100 BUCKS!!!!!!! BUT FOR A CHANCE TO GET A BLOWJOB FROM THE MIGHTY KING OF THE INTERNET!!!!!!!!!! MY TONGUE IS STRONG AND I KNOW HOW TO AVOID GETTING MY TEETH INVOLVED!!!!!! I WILL EVEN SWALLOW, GODDAMMIT.....NOW WILL SOMEONE PLEASE BEAT THE CRAP OUT OF TONY SCHIAVONE????? PLEASE??????????? -This also applies to girls too....I'm amazed that you homos never caught on to that concept....I am also quite the "cunning linguist" -Goldberg charged out and angrily demanded to make this a 4 way......it's like I said...he does EVERYTHING angrily. -Goldberg ended up throwing Flair down...Flair scampered out of there screaming, "YOU'RE IN TROUBLE!!!!! YOU'RE IN TROUBLE!! YOU'RE.....YOU SHUT UP KID....YOU'RE IN TROUBLE NOW!!!!!" ( He stopped to yell at a fan..which elicited a laugh from the crowd..and me...dammit) -Okay...guess what...this..match is VERY intriguing....I'm almost...pumped for it. -Too bad it'll end in a screwjob....or maybe not? After all..this is the NEW, IMPROVED NITRO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -Where is the friggin' second hour anyway? -It took a while as the other three guys stared at each other.....Tony explained the rules to a four way....then Hogan and the Big Galoob growled at each other.... -Come to think about it...if I was nailed up on a Cross by my hands and feet for a day or so...I'd be mighty cranky too. -Come to think about it...if the people celebrated MY death and rebirth with a Bunny that can give birth to colorful eggs.....I would be awfully peeved. -They went to ANOTHER segment.....Tony had a coronary, "IT'S A DOUBLE MATCH SEGMENT!!!!!!!! EXCITMENT REIGNS ON THE NEW IMPROVED NITRO!!!!!! LET'S STAY ON ALL NIGHT!!!!!!!!! -1: They have to have a first match before they can call it a "double match segment".....Tony sucks balls -2: Haven't they been on all night already?...Tony sucks...period -3: Tony's hair is gayer than Nathan Lane..... -Scott Steiner is out....enjoying his biceps.....Tony called his body "sheer magnificence" -Steiner had nothing to say about rolling up on some hoochie and laying the pipe...instead he just rambled about "Diamond" Dallas Trash... -Ooops...me spoketh too sooneth....he went right on about the various wives that permeate Las Vegas.... -REASON TO LOVE STEINER'S SPEECHES.....# 54: "I don't have 30 days and 30 nights, to show your wife, what a physical PHENONIMON I really am"....HA!!! Sometimes...life is so worth LIVING. -Does he even REALIZE his f-ups? -Steiner told Page that he would have to give up Kimberly for one night...if he wanted his shot at revenge against him..... -Then Meng came out.....wearing goofy pants.....Tony called it a "phenonimonal speech" -Steiner went over to Tony and bitched at him...Tony did his best Scherer impression and started saying, "YOU DA MAN...YOU DA MAN" -The REAL question is...will Meng's new pants allow him to "make a difference"? Will his new dred locks also help him "make a difference"? -In the end, Steiner put his feet on the ropes to secure a pin.....alas...Meng has yet to "make a difference" -commercials -The Nitro Girls can dance...the Nitro Girls can dance.... having the time of their lives...oooh, see those girls, watch that scene....dig it..the Dancing Queens. -Tony pushed the idea that Sting would have a MESSAGE FOR ALL HIS FANS OUT THERE!!!!! Sting has fans?? STILL??? What the Fudge has HE done for you people lately? He hasn't had a decent match since the Bischoff era.....and he is prone to these LOOOONG vacations..... -commercials -I hope to God we are somewhere near the Third hour now.....I'm getting tired. -The camera pans to the rafters.......suddenly they spot a figure in black leather...Tony RIPS down his pants and starts yanking..... -Ooops...just a WCW Union Laborer....having some fun....he looks like after the show, he'll go blow his week's pay on Keno. -Tony ADMITTED to being "pumped up" by this. -video spot of the Crow Sting......WCW basically ignored the Net and packaged him just as they wanted to......this is why WCW really sucks more than really rules -commercials -Flair tossed out the camera guy just as he was lining up some coozebags for the night......it's amazing how his gimmick could go from happily married man to high rolling bachelor in the space of a WEEK...with no explanation. -Tony pushes WCW LIVE with Bob Ryder and Jeremy Borash......say it along with me and say it with feeling now children....even though Bobby is nipple deep in the WCW coffers....that does NOT mean that he can't shoot straight and true when discussing that other..."pornish" company...oh..no...Bob is NOT BIASED!!!!!!!! -Video package of Jim Duggan....when he left the company due to cancer. -What? He didn't die? Hmmph....I thought he was wormchow by now. Looks like I owe Gagnon $20 bucks -Lenny Lane (who's parents ALMOST named Bob ladeeobladaa) came out.....does his gimmick still involve admiring his abs...and nothing else? -Then HACKSAW JIM DUGGAN CAME OUT.....HOOOOOOOOOOOOOO -The crowd was WAY INTO HIM!!! HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO -He still had the Flag and that 2 by 4 HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO -He still looks like a retarded Bullfrog HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO -He got the crowd to chant USA...which drove the Commie bastard Lane NUTS HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO -Duggan still hasn't bothered to learn a fraggin' move...HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO -Duggan won..of course...HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO -Duggan's gonna get a BIG push now....NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO -commercials -Oh crap...the idiot Rachtman is there...excuse me, whilst I drink 5 beers and see about getting a buzz going. -Oh for......Vincent, Stevie Ray, Crush, and Horse's ass all gathered together for a "WHO SHOULD LEAD THE NWO B-TEAM" brawl...... -Need I point out that every BLACK member of the NWO is in this little group...WCW!!!!! STILL PISSED ABOUT FREEING THE SLAVES!!!!!!!!! -I am going to flat out ignore all of this...because nobody cares...you know it and I know it. -commercials Chris Hyatte
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