Nitro Mop Up ... by Chris Hyatte

Ding Dong this column's almost dead!!...4/7/99 Mop-Up Nitro (cont) -THE THIRD HOUR FINALLY ARRIVES!!!!!!!!!!!! HOOOOOOOOOOOOOO -The Nitro Girls have to deal with a wide shot in order for WCW cameras to fully grasp the HUGE SYMBOL THAT NOW REPRESENTS WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP WRESTLING!!!!! -yup...a pecker with a LOT of shrubbery now represents this company -Raven and Saturn took on Kidman and Rey Jr. for the tag belts. This is a virtually IMPOSSIBLE match to screw up...even if they DO toss in the screwjob....the skill level in that ring could overcome even the LAMEST Bischoff stunt -The end came when Raven's mother showed up and yanked Raven away by his ear...I WAS WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!!! BISCHOFF WRECKED THE WHOLE MATCH!!!!!!!!!!!! -No..that didn't happen. What happened is that we got the best match of the night..... -Tony called this the "FIRST NITRO OF THE REST OF OUR LIVES!!!!!!!!!!" Which I would qualify as being the same as calling it the BEST NITRO EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -commercials -The thing is still going strong....I see a TV PG sign in the corner...maybe THIS IS THE THIRD HOUR!!!!!!!! -Saturn gave Kidman a belly to belly suplex that sent him head over heels over the top rope and straight to the mat......Tony and Heenan groaned in unison......it was a maneuver worthy of Foley...and that is the highest compliment you could give. -Jeeze.....if Rey and Kidman could stay healthy....they could be the big names in 10 short years. -The Horsemen interfered and helped Rey and Kidman take the win.....the crowd was HOT for this....and rightly so.....it took them 2 hours and 10 minutes to cobble this together.....they'd be hot for Shit vs Piss...the winner gets Control of the Toilet Bowl!!!! -Hogan was doing something in preparation for this next match.....if he starts saying that he's "hanging and banging in the gym"...I will publicly call myself CRZ's "bitch"..... -Bet'cha that'll get him to mention my name in his column now.....even though Dicky Scaia hates it. -commercials -Chris Jericho came out......where the Hell is Ralphus anyways? I guess Jericho don't get a valet if Jericho don't sign the contract extensions -Jericho is once again, part of the United States tournament due to Curt Hennig's injury.....Curt Hennig is injured AGAIN????? Good Lord...he takes more weeks off than I DO!!! -The winner of this match meets Scott Steiner in the finals...I DEFY anyone to put up the brackets for this non-existent tournament. -Booker won...because Jericho ain't cooperating with Moneybags Bischoff. -For no reason that I could possible fathom...Tony blurted out the phrase "Live long and prosper" during this match.......why can't someone put him in the Vulcan Death Grip -commercials -Buff Bagwell took on Bam Bam Bigelow...now it's time for something that all of the sudden became a bit of a tradition here in the Mop-Up.....the weekly "How Long Is This Crap?" bellow..... -ahem.....HOW LONG IS THIS FREAKING SHOW ANYWAY???? 9 HOURS????? -thank you. -Tony is at it again...without a hint of irony or a trace of shame..he lamented about the TENACIOUSNESS OF WCW ATHLETES!!!! WHO HAVE TO WORK TWICE...SOMETIMES 3 TIMES A WEEK!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THESE ARE THE HARDEST WORKING ATHELTES IN THE WORLD!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -JUST PUNCH THE MOTHER FU**ER!!! YOU DUMB ASS MARKS...JUST REACH AROUND AND CLOCK THIS DOUCHEBAG ONE TIME!!!!!!!!!!! -I remember when Bam Bam was called "one of the most dangerous men in this sport"....now he's laying down for a cripple with a faggy haircut -Is Bagwell a heel or a face now? -Bagwell won with the "Blockbuster"...right after Hak and Chastity sprayed Bigelow with a fire extinguisher......Tony acted like they never saw that move before.... -According to Tony, WCW invented EVERYTHING -commercials -There are the Nitro Girls..... -There is a Goldberg vs Nash production video....boy..those WCW hicks must have sweated BULLETS to come up with such a sophisticated production in the two hours since they actually MADE the match!!!!! -commercials -Oh thank God...it's almost over.....Michael Buffer assured us that both WCW AND the Nevada State Athletic Commission sanctioned this match.....I WANT TO SEE THAT PAPERWORK HERE!!!! I WANT PROOF THAT THE NEVADA STATE ATHLETIC COMMISSION WASTED THEIR TIME WITH THIS CRAP!!!!! -Kevin Nash joined the announcers in order to keep those egos well booked..... -Flair came out.... -Hogan came out.... -Page came out..... -Goldberg came out....and here we go... -As Goldberg made his way to the ring he spotted a women...mid thirties....wearing a LOT of makeup standing by the side...he wandered over to her and asked how she was doing....the woman offered Goldberg a blowjob for only $50....Goldberg's eyes flared up in shock and dismay..."A HOOKER?? IN VEGAS??" he screamed!! The Hooker said, "It's hookay baby...whatchoo need? Goldberg, having a sense of history, immediately got on his HANDS AND KNEES AND BEGAN TO WASH THE HOOKER'S FEET WITH HIS TONGUE!!!!! FURTHER PROOF THAT GOLDBERG IS OUR NEW MESSIAH!!!! HE LOVES ALL OF HIS CHILDREN!!!!! FROM THE MOST DEDICATED PRIEST TO THE LOWELIST OF STREET URCHIN!!!!!!!! GAD BLESS GOLDBERG!!!!!! GOD BLESS US ALL!!!!!!!! -The Hooker said, "Hey man, you touchy the feet..thass gonna cost you $25 bucks! What are choo? A PREVERT!!!" Goldberg ended up paying her...but not without first haggling her down to $12.50..... -Can we get on with the match please? -Hogan went for Flair and Page went for Goldberg......Tony reminded us for the 10th time that Flair can lose the belt without getting touched. -Hulk "Hulked up"....I'm surprised they didn't call it "Hollywooded up" yet -Page gave Flair the "Diamond Cutter"...Goldberg stopped the count. -Hogan started to whip Flair...the fans chanted for Sting. -Flair put the Figure Four on Page......that didn't work. -In the middle of four men, Goldberg still had time to stare into the camera and scream....God Bless the numbnuts. -okay...this was a funny bit...Hogan dumped Flair on the Announcers lap...Tony said, "We welcome to the broadcast location Ric Flair! Oop..he's not going to stay long!" -The end came when Goldberg jackhammered Page -Then he Speared Page -Then he Speared Flair -Then he Speared Hogan -Then he jackhammered Hogan....this clown doesn't know ANY other moves does he? -Then he pinned Hogan...Nash ran in but was slow...so Hogan had to kick out of it..which was a first...kicking out of the Spear/Jackhammer combo...but they'll probably ignore that fact. -Nash stayed in and went for Goldberg.... -Then Sting SWOOPED down from the rafters.....with bat....white makeup....and all that nonsense... -Tony, "HE'S HERE!!!!!!!!!! WHAT IS HE GOING TO SAY????? THE FANS...STANDING....IN UNISON...WAITING TO FOLLOW HIS DIRECTIONS TO THE LETTER!!!!!!! STING WILL SPEAK!!!!!!!!! STING WILL TELL US WHAT TO DO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" -Sting pointed at the huge screens......he pointed to all of them...letting Tony tell us that whatever's coming will come via the screen... -STING DAMMIT!!!!!!!! I NEED GUIDANCE!!!!! I NEED YOUR BRAND OF SUPERHERO MORALITY!!!!!! PLEASE...TELL US WHAT WE ARE TO THINK!!!!!!! TELL US WHAT WE ARE TO FEEL!!!!!!!!! BY GOD...TELL US WHAT WE ARE TO SAY!!!!!!!! -The message...on the video screen...was from Randy Savage...who said that he will be the guest ref for a four way Title match at the next PPV...the participants will be Flair, Hogan, Page, and Sting...order the PPV this Sunday..... -That was it. -That was it....the NEW IMPROVED, GLORIOUS NITRO!!!! PROMISED US A MESSAGE FROM STING.....Than turned it into a commercials for the next Pay per View.... -A pay per view...which will do almost NO business....simply because Wrestlemania was only two weeks ago....and after that card...NO self respecting wrestling fan is thinking of the NEXT go round. -What a douchebag ending. The BRAND NEW NITRO WITH A FRESH NEW LOOK AND KILLER NEW ATTITUDE......is the same old crap...I'll bet that it takes any curious viewers two weeks to realize that it's the same old bullshit and run right back to RAW...which is also basically the same old crap.....but it's more unpredictable same old crap. Still, any change is good...so on that merit alone..I'll give the night to Nitro. I wouldn't exactly say the WCW is on a ROLL.....but they are on the right direction...sort of.....read the closer and you'll see where I'm getting at... Let's make this simple......I have been sitting on this for a while...but now is as good a time as any to get this going.....here are my SUGGESTIONS for WCW to IMPROVE Nitro and make their product that much better..... -Okay, I won't go for the obvious and say cut it back down to 2 hours...because they won't do it...they have too many advertisers locked up for that. So, let's focus on how they can make the 3 hour show more streamlined.... 1: Put a main event...and I mean a BIG main event for every hour.....they have to make the first hour worth watching for more than a simple time killer until RAW gets on the air.....put Hogan vs Goldberg on at 8:50....I PROMISE...you'll keep a HUGE chunk of your crowd. Even if you have to kill it off with a bullcrap ending....at least it'll juice up the crowd for the whole night. 2: Put at least TWO solid matches for every hour...including the aforementioned main event.....the second match...right under the main for the hour..can be more angle driven...or a solid Kidman vs anyone match. That's 6 good matches for a three hour Nitro......no wrestling fan in the WORLD will say that the show sucked if you do that. 3: Either dump these ridiculous backstage angles or hire a professional writer to script them. That crap a few weeks ago with Samantha seducing the cameras was not only insulting...but retarded. The WWF HAS a professional scriptwriter working on these angles......and they are kicking WCW's ass because of it. 4: Keep Bischoff away....he's a joke and nobody took him seriously anyway. Besides, now that he's all gray...he's disturbing to look at 5: Lose this NWO two team bull...make it one...make them fierce....and make them loyal to nobody but themselves. 6: Make Page a heel.....he never really fit as a "working man's hero" anyway.....Hell, The Rock is STILL the "People's Champ"..and they tried EVERYTHING to stop it. Make Page a heel and have him lose all those cliches that really sound corny...I am JACKED MAN!!!!!!....oh please. 7: Longer matches.....with a few more clean pinfalls. 8: Please....PLEASE....have someone sit down with Goldberg and hammer out a FULL character....this one note pissed off dude makes him look like a second rate Austin. 9: Here's a shocker...have Hogan lay down for Savage...on Nitro...just once.....it'll shock the planet. 10: Please remember that the Nitro Girls are NOT the reason we watch.....not even close...all you get with the Nitro Girls are one or two 12 year old boys who start pulling their pud at the first glimpse of A.C. Jazz...no more "Up Close and Personal" spots...we don't care that these bimbos are geniuses who dance just for the Hell of it. 11: Remember....whatever little T & A you try with Samantha....stuff her in all the bikinis you want....the WWF have the means and the permission to top anything you could do within TNT limitations. You can't win this contest. 12: When Kanyon's done with that movie.....LOCK THE DOORS!!!!!!!!!!!!! get it in your heads....HE WILL NEVER GET OVER!!!!!!!!!!! 13: Fire Van Hammer, Vincent, Crush, Fit Finlay, Riggs, Chavo, Miller, and anyone else who had MORE than enough chances to get over....yet never did. Think of all the money you'll save. 14: Keep Hall and Nash OUT of the tag team picture...you got three teams who can hold up the tag title scene quite nicely. Bring in Harlem Heat and hire another team and you are COOKING 15: Lose Piper....excess baggage 16: Hire a good professional actor to work with the wrestlers....not Jason Hervey...I said a GOOD professional actor 17: Take Saturn.....the scariest looking man in the company...and make him a "hired gun" of sorts....have other wrestlers hire him to take care of someone......it'll work...trust me. 18: Tell Sting to get OFF HIS ASS and go back to his old style of wrestling.....I don't care if he's the Crow or not....but he is so LAZY now.....your paying him millions...it's high time he earns it. 19: It's time to shake things up and lure away a WWF superstar......Owen Hart is a good choice. 20: Let Jericho talk and talk and talk and talk That's it...20 ways for a more happy...fun filled...FAMILY ORIENTED Nitro......it'll be all ignored of course....but F-It That's it for me....I'm leaving now...goodbye.....what time does the matinee for "Go" start? you all suck AND you can all eat me.... This is Hyatte Chris Hyatte
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