Raw Mop Up ... by Chris Hyatte

You may begin....now!...4/7/99 Mop-Up RAW No hate letters....slow week Once again, I am Chris and this is the Mop-Up...no bullsh*t run through this week..this is a FULL column..with FULL openers..closers...and recaps....lots and lots of recaps.... First up, I'd like to officially welcome myself back to the SCOOPS WRITTEN WORD SECTION!!! It was well over a year ago when Scoops unceremoniously DUMPED me into this "Arena Results" section.......without any warning or announcement...Oh...I was one ripped mother when they did that. To think...they didn't even TELL me...or ANYONE......to this DAY I have no clue what they were thinking on that. No matter...I'm BACK in the written word.....the 500 pound gorilla is now smack dab right back in the center of all these other would be stars......GET IN LINE MUTANTS!! Hyatte is back home.....the line forms behind MY ass...start kissing it. You know...when the WWF changes it's opening to any show...whether it be RAW, or HEAT, or Shotgun, or Superstars, or the old Challenge...they never advertised it or trumpeted the changeover....(okay..maybe RAW did a LITTLE when Nitro was killing them..but why quibble over minor details?)...jeeze...is WCW's hype machine in OVERDRIVE with their new opening theme or WHAT?? "The new theme for the new millennium"? "WCW is looking to the FUTURE and their presentation will REPRESENT that"? Guys...take a friggin' pill...your opening was old and tired and it was time for a new one...for God's sakes. I know..they want to get people excited about WCW again...and it may just work too.....but I doubt it....Wrestlemania 15 was watched by more people than any other pay per view EVER...they really should have put about a month's more distance away from that show before launching the NEW Nitro.....but what do I know? You know...part 2...I'll BET that when that new movie "Go" opens....the movie theaters will be filled with a lot of males......a LOT of males who are alone...sitting by themselves...and when Katie Holmes shows up and starts jamming her tongue down that guy's throat on the steps.....I'd expect a lot of...well....let's just say that I wouldn't sit behind and single guy in the theater during that time......or you may feel a hunk of hot yogurt splash into your ear. Me? I look at Katie Holmes and see a 12 year old.....I am not "in love" with her and have no respect for nerdy geeks who claim that they are. GROW UP!!!!!!!! Speaking of jailbait......Brittany Spears....no way...no f'k'n way is she a teenager...she's 22 and she has implants....and that's THAT...it's all an act Speaking of music....as the 90's draws to a close....and the Millennium comes to destroy this little Planet...I have to ask..what is WRONG with you people????? BRANDY?? MONICA??? "N SYNCH???? BACKSTREET BOYS???? Do you REALLY want to be known for this type of bullshit, unoriginal, heavy on the produced....music???? Jesus.....did Cobain REALLY take any hope of originality with him when he blow his head off? Now we are left with THIS swill? You all suck.....maybe the Beatles WERE all there is? I mean, I'm no huge fan of Marilyn Manson...but at least he is DOING something to challenge the norm. Beck and that Fatboy Slim dude COULD possibly salvage the 90's...but I'm not holding my breath. What else? Umm..oh, yeah...we are at war with a country I never heard of for reasons I have no clue about. In the process, we are pissing off the Russians again....who still have nukes aimed right for us. We also have 3 soldiers held prisoner and probably being tortured every day...... -Unnecessary wars from a President who bangs anything that moves.....this is what you get when you vote Democrat......dudes...do yourself a favor...vote Republican next time....they won't embarrass this country like our current President is... You really see Bob Dole going after Interns? Me neither. F'K'N Liberals.....kill them all. By now, some of you are saying.."Isn't this a WRESTLING column?" Well...yes..it is...but it is so much more too.....the one thing I HATE is when columnists go SLIGHTLY off topic for a sentence or two..then RUN RIGHT BACK to wrestling...as if there is NOTHING ELSE IN THE UNIVERSE THAT MATTERS!!!! Please...that is so gay. You know who does that all the time? Trekkie's....there isn't a topic alive that a good Star Trekkie couldn't work "Star Trek" into.....it's annoying as Hell. Anyway...I'm fresh out of opening notes.....so let's kick this skank out of bed and make her clean the house..we got 5 hours of some RASSLIN' to get through......and I'll tell you right now....this week's columns are nastier than usual....I feel that I owed you a real down and dirty column after a few weeks of bullcrap. So get ready.....because I am NOT holding anything back this week.....everyone suffers..everyone pays.....unless I was edited...than this is the pussy edition of the Mop-Up...either way..enjoy. RAW IS WAR (or: I got your Easter eggs hanging low) -Hey kids..this show MAY (but not necessarily...it all depends on how tight ass your mother is...stick a lump of coal up there..if an hour later, you pull out a diamond..chances are she won't approve off this as your Monday night viewing choice) be inappropriate for children under the age of 14. This show also contains sophisticated themes, strong language, and sexual content.....Jeeze..take away the word "sophistication" and you have the Mop-Up. - Video package of Vince and the Undertaker...with Vince explaining about the envelope UT gave him one week and about the burning Teddy bear.....The envelope had pictures of Stephanie.....I saw those pictures......in one of them, she was sitting in a chair, watching TV and I guess she was sitting on the remote control because she was reaching down between her legs trying to get at it...her eyes were closed as she strained to get that damn remote....she seemed to be sweating...why didn't she just get up? I don't know.....did I mention that she was nekkid?....maybe the remote was lodged in her(EDITED BY SCOOPS FOR YOUR PROTECTION....FOR GOD'S SAKES HYATTE..WHAT IF VINCE HAPPENS TO SEE THIS?) between the seat cushions? That's where mine always end up. -Stephanie.....a cute kid....no porn star....just a nice, average looking chick...I'd do her. -opening theme....IT'S THE BRAND NEW RAW!!!!!!!! IT'S THE DAWN OF A NEW ERA!!!!!!! NO MOR......oh shit..wrong show..sorry -fans, fireworks, fury.....where the frig are they anyway? -There in the Nassau Coliseum in Long Island....I wonder how many signs there will be tonight from other SCOOPS writers (you mean there are other people here BESIDES me and Al? F-you...I don't believe it) who will try again to pair up with me by putting their name and mine together in a sign....everybody wants a piece of me...they all do.....rat bastards..you all can burn...do you hear me? DO YOU??????? -everyone sucks -Michael Kole and Lawler do their usual opening excitement shtick...we've heard it a million times before... -then they started out with an honest to goodness MATCH?!?!?!?!? HOW DARE THEY!?!? WHERE'S MY 20 MINUTE OPENING MONOLOGUE THAT TAKES ME 4 HOURS TO RECAP?????? -Then again.....why do I NEED to recap anymore? Scoops has a NEW recapper...and apparently, he's a SUPERSTAR!!! He's even created something fresh and ORIGINAL.....he calls it a CLOSER!!!!!!! WOW!!!!!!!!!! -no...I'm not bitter at ALL.....doesn't piss me off ONE BIT.. -I wonder if 411 is looking for an acerbic recapper with a taste for lowbrow humor. -Or maybe Ryder'll get rid of that "Scrap Dog" dude... -anywayz...it's a match..it's a tag team match...it's a tag team match for the titles.....it's a tag team match for the WWF titles...it's a tag team match for the WWF WORLD titles.....it's a tag team match for the WWF WORLD TAG TEAM titles!!!! It's a tag team match for the......oh screw it -It's X-Pac and Kane vs Deborah McMichael's titties.....with Jeff Jarrett and Owen Hart there for moral support -when was Kane officially tossed out of the Corporation? -The key here is to see if Debbie's well enhanced tumors can stir something in the psychologically scarred makeup of the Hellspawn Kane......and if X-Pac's hairgrease can double for some lube. -meanwhile...Jarrett remains a lost cause and Owen probably wishes that HE was feuding with Norman Smiley right now. -X-Pac opened the match..and spent much of it getting tuned on..it was a pretty technical affair...but it featured some actual wrestling....a rarity for RAW. -In order to get out of a Jarrett sleeper hold, X-Pac lifted him up and fell backwards....Cole called it a "tremendous counter"...it may be time for you people to start finding out where Cole's son goes to school.....for future reference. -Kane was tagged in and immediately chokeslammed Jarrett...meanwhile, X-Pac was busy thrusting his crotch into Owen's face...since Owen is Canadian....and pretty much ALL of Canada is...well....you know......let's just say that Owen wasn't fighting off the advances all that much. -Aw screw it...ALL OF CANADA TAKES IT IN THE TUSHY.....and most of Ohio to..especially in the Toledo area... -I'M SORRY ABOUT THIS......but I have to re-establish myself as the King....I've been a bit lax with the recaps lately.... -WHERE IS PATTERSON???? IT'S TIME!!!!!! -Kane went to chokeslam X-Pac, but then turned it into a Gorilla slam and dropped him on Jarrett.....three slaps on the mat later and we have new tag team champs. Debbie didn't let her puppies out.....and Mongo went the night free of sudden migraines. -backstage with Vince and his kids. Vince told Shane that he's sticking with Stephanie tonight and Shane can run the whole show. Then Shane walked out and told the Corporation that HE'S running the show tonight.......The Big Bossman was back too......it took him a little bit longer than three days to resurrect himself... -commercials -footage of what just happened. -some punk talked to new tag champ X-Pac....I have nothing to say here. -The Corporation came out. Shane McMahon led out Chyna, Triple H, The Rock, The Big Bossman, Ken Shamrock, Test, Gerald Brisco, and every spicy, always sugary...Patrick "I'll NEVER use my finger to plug a dike...no matter how much water is leaking" Patterson to the ring. -Test is wearing a FUBU t-shirt....next thing you know, Vince will let him have the book. -Why are they there? I don't know....to set up everything for the rest of the night I guess....Shane did a lot of the talking as he slowly, but surely continues his morph into Eric Bischoff. He's got the black hair and the Leather jacket down already. As well as a taste for over hyping himself and desperately trying to get himself over..... -oh yeah...he also is in a position of power that he didn't earn. -Shane announced that Paul Wight will be fighting HHH and the Rock in a handicapped match.......HHH talked about all that ass he's gonna kick.... -The Rock said that he expects Wight to check into the "Smack down hotel" and "break the toilet seat".....break the....?? -THAT'S MY JOKE!!!!!!!! THAT SONAFABITCH RIPPED OFF MY GODDAM JOKE!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!? MY GOD!!!! NOW THEY ARE RIPPING OFF ME!!!!!!!!!!!! -Actually..that's kind of cool...now that I think of it....(Insert dumb rant about how I rule and how everyone else sucks here) -The Rock promised to take "two, not just one, but TWO feet....turn them sideways..and ram them straight up your rectum!"...he IS ripping me off!!!!!!!!!!! -When Maivia is "on"...he is really on...his diatribe tonight was definitely "ON".....even though he's USING MY LINES!!!!!!!!!! MY GOD!!!!! -Incidentally..there is no truth to the rumor that I am being considered as the RAW recapper for WWF.com....but I always thought that the Nitro Mop-Up would be the PERFECT addition to their web site. Think about it...Hyatte recapping NITRO on WWF.com?? How wild would THAT be? -Then they set up the next PPV with some business with Maivia holding Austin's rattlesnake WWF title.....then they put it up on the big screen.....this ended the segment..with no Austin, Wight, or Mankind coming out to disrupt things......the Corporation is officially the NWO now.....and I couldn't be sadder. -and for the record....Shane is Bischoff, Maivia is Hogan, Triple H is Hall, Test is Nash, Shamrock is Luger, and Bossman is pretty much all the scabs that nobody cares about. -Patterson is Saturn and Brisco is Uranus...(uranus....BWAHAHAA) -commercials -backstage, Shane tells his Father what he just set up...expecting some kudos.....Vince questioned the motives and whether it was wise to "provoke" Austin and Wight....I don't like this pussyfied Vince...I'll tell you right now....who chopped off HIS nuts? -Ivory came out...looking like she managed to hit a limb or two of the ugly tree in her day....she pumped her fist in the air a few times in order to get a few cheers. -She entered the ring and grabbed the mic.....she asked it was "always that time of month for the PMS girls" (ooo..how racy...). -She said that Jacqueline could back up her mouth, but Terri Runnels was just a "priss" with a "BIG mouth and a snotty attitude"......not to mention some lovely melons and a well trimmed bush....... -yup...Mrs Runnels loves to tend to her garden...quite the greenthumb she is....she knows how to handle Cucumbers just right for maximum growth.....and when she snaps a freshly pulled carrot...ooh baby. She knows how to work a spade on her hands and knees by God... -What? What did you think I meant? All I am saying is that she keeps a pretty garden.....in her BACKYARD!!! You people.....for God's sakes. -I bet that gets edited too.....talk about losing their courage...you should have HEARD the response I got when I offered to do an April Fool's edition of the SCOOPS news....OH...you would have thought that I asked them if I could buttrape Rich in KC and have him beg his King to stop in a special edition of SCOOPS OUT LOUD....I wasn't just told no...I was told no FORCEFULLY.....COME ON SCOOPS...LET'S STOP WORRYING ABOUT EVERY LITTLE THING AND LET HYATTE BE HYATTE AGAIN!!!!!!! -Oops, I'm fresh out of page....go to page 2 or go away..either way, f-you all Chris Hyatte
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