Raw Mop Up ... by Chris Hyatte

Trudging right along.through all this muck...4/7/99 Mop-Up RAW (cont) -Ivory called out Ebony....TO GET THIS RIVALRY ENDED ONCE AND FOR ALL DAMMIT!!!!!!!!!!!! -Actually, she called out Terri Runnels.... -and out they came......Terri told Jackie that she could handle this....and sent Jackie away. -You know...I remember when Terri was Brian Pillman's valet...and she seemed embarrassed by all this T & A...now..I SWEAR she gets wet when she's doing that mack momma slut thang.. -Speaking of Pillman...where IS he anyway? This "dead" angle has gone on LONG ENOUGH hasn't it? -"she gets wet".....I think that was a new low for me. -One thing about you broads that I DO respect...how you can run around in those stilletto heels like that.. -Ivory chased Terri around the ring a little..then grabbed her short and PULLED IT OFF...Terri was on her belly, clutching her chest...because she had NO BRA ON!!!! SHE WAS AS NAKED AS SEAN SHANNON ON GAY PRIDE DAY!!!! (please...like that comes as a shock to anyone) -Then the lights dimmed and the Ministry came out....because UT led the pack... -need I remind you that Terri Runnels was COMPLETELY TOPLESS AT THE TIME?!?!?!? -The girls had hauled ass out of there by the time they hit the ring....none of the Ministry seemed to mind...FAGS -UT grabbed the mic and promised Vince that tonight, there will be a "sacrifice". A "sacrifice" of the female persuasion....which limits the choices down to around 10.....if you include Nicole Bass, Chyna, and Patterson -backstage, Vince is ordering more security, and is promising Steffy that everything'll be okay...then said that he may have to "give the SOB what he wants after all!" Much to the protest of his kids. -I'll tell you right now, because I saw this coming two months ago...Vince will give Steve Austin his belt if Austin promises to go after the Undertaker.....bingo, bango, bongo...God Bless predictable angles -commercials -Vince is still consoling Stephanie.....Uncle Pat is next to her and put his hand on her leg....quizzical looks were plentiful...Pat pulled his hand off and said, "WHAT?? Do I have to have pork and beans EVERY night? Maybe I would like to TRY a little Tuna Casserole every so often!!! Jeeze!" -Al Snow came out......I never thought I'd hear myself say this but......maybe he'd be better off in WCW. -Hardcore Holly (can suck a golfball through a garden hose) came out for a NON Hardcore match...in other words..what's the point? -Snow went for a chair....then Holly did....the ref stopped both men....because this was NOT a hardcore match.....in case you skipped the previous line. -You know, Bob Holly has gotten much better since his "Sparkplug" days. -He still lost though....quite cleanly too. Then Jim Ross and Doctor Death came out and Williams beat the crap out of both of them...... -You know...let me speak for the people right here....when Ross took his seat and called the main event at Wrestlemania, I said, "Oh dammit..this is gonna be sad to listen to"..and at first, it was uncomfortable to hear him slur his words. Then the match went on....and things really got cooking...and you know what...Good Ol' Jr was BACK and all was right with the world once again.....his slushy voice, once gotten used to, was quickly accepted and forgotten. I don't know where they are going with this angle..but let me, Chris Hyatte, assure anyone in power....WE CAN TAKE JIM ROSS AS AN ANNOUNCER!!!! GET HIS ASS BACK IN THAT CHAIR PLEASE.....PLEASE!!!! -Besides, it was a trip watching that fan sit behind JR and bounce ice cubes off his cheek....Ross didn't react once...Lawler was cracking up huge. -Shane was in the control room ordering the controllers to put up that picture of the WWF belt on the Titan Tron......yawn -commercials -we see the Undertaker whipping Christian...Lawler pontificated that it was because Christian spilled the beans as to Stephanie's whereabouts last week to Shamrock. I say it was because it's Easter...and whipping a Christian around the Easter holidays is just so...so.....so...WRONG!!!!! MY GOD!!!! HAVEN'T THE CHRISTIANS BEEN THROUGH ENOUGH?!?!?!?! -commercials -Sable will be on the show "Happy Hour"...immediately following this show.....Happy Hour is hosted by Dweezil and Douchebag Zappa.....who were the sons of Frank Zappa....who made records that nobody bought. Frank Zappa died of Cancer.....Dweezil and Douchy are still alive...there is no God. -The New Age Outlaws came to the ring...their little pre-match shtick was more over than usual tonight.....and that's saying a LOT. -Gangrel and Edge came out as hour numero uno gave birth to hour numero dos via C-section......I have no idea what that means. -Anyone else think Edge looks like one of Dusty Rhode's illegitimate children? (And believe me..he's had a TON of them.... -Totally off the subject...what happened to Scoops Writer "The Fabulous One" anyway? First he was here, then he left, then he was here again..then he left again.....another fallen and forgotten soul in the "Era of Hyatte". -This was a good match by the way...you don't get two better tag teams in wrestling today....really.....they are in the top 5...right up there with Benoit/Malenko, Sabu/Van Dam, and Patterson/Brooklyn Brawler -The match went a while..then Christian stumbled out....Bad Ass pinned him after his Leg drop finisher known as the "Famouser"...which is the DUMBEST F'K'N name for a finisher since Marty Jannetty entered WCW and called his finisher the "ShowStopper".....which I think..MAY be the exact same finisher as Gunn's finisher....I'm not sure. -Jim Ross talked to Steve Austin backstage. Austin promised JR and the McMahon's that if Shane did put up that belt on the TitanTron, it would cost them a "lot of money"...then Austin stuck the top of a beer bottle into Ross's cheek and used the flab to open it.....Ross didn't seem to notice. -I am not terribly proud of myself right now. -commercials -Footage from last week dealing with Ken Shamrock's quest to find Stephanie McMahon. -Ken Shamrock came to the ring...looking like he just learned the "Phantom Menace" script he downloaded off the Internet was totally bogus....Lesson #1...if a site called www.dieewoksdie.com claim to have the actual script for Episode 1......chances are that they are LYING.. -Lesson 2....if some Web writer who is SO unknown that he wouldn't even qualify to write for the NWWWO tells you that he has more "inside" connections than Al Isaacs, Bob Ryder, and Mike Samuda COMBINED......chances are that HE may be lying too. -see? I can mention other web guys and sites without ragging on them. -Kenny took on Mabel....he has this new name but I do not feel like pronouncing it...all I know is that Mabel, with his evil eyes, huge frame, and blonde hair....scares the jizm out of me....I...I...I don't know why...but I....I'm having these waves of....of....vague memories rush over me.....something about Z-Mabel....err.I mean plain old Mabel... -Kenny is beating the Hell out of Mabel.....GO KENNY!!!!! TO IT FOR ALL THE LOST CHILDREN UNJUSTLY KEPT IN THE AMERICAN PRISON SYSTEM!!!! GO KENNY!!!! -Then the lights went out.....I...I...I...I remember.....I...REMEMBER...the Head Screw screaming "LIGHTS OUT"!!! Then I remember...I....I...I felt hot breath on my neck........ -The Ministry came out.....and dragged me away kicking and screaming....LEAVE ME ALONE Z-SMOOTH!!!! I DON'T WANT TO BE YOUR BEEOTCH!!! LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!! I JUST WANT TO PAY MY DEBT TO SOCIETY!!!! YEEEAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH!!!!!! -They dragged me......into the bowels of the prison and....and...shove me in a trunk.....HELP...FOR THE LOVE OF GOLDBERG!!!!! WILL SOMEONE HELP ME!!!!!!!!! -The Head Bull Screw Shane was telling the rest of the Guards not to help me.....they must have been paid off...even the Big Bossman wouldn't go!!!!! YOU BASTARDS!! MY TAXES PAY FOR YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME!!!!!!! HELP MEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -UNDETRAKER...PLEASE HELP ME...KEEP ME AWAY FROM MABEL SMOOTH.....I'LL WORSHIP SATAN...I'LL DO ANYTHIIIINNNNGGG... -I...I....REMEMBER THE TRUNK CLOSING........I'M IN THE DARK AGAIN...THEN THE HOT BREATHE ON MY NECK.........AND...AND...AND..IS THAT A CAR JACK??? ACK..IT IS A CARJACK!!!!...NO..NOOOO..ARRRRRGH......... -........................................ -......................... -............................................ -............................................... -..................................... -............................ -Beers number 1-6...opened and CHUGGED....SHOTGUNNED......SLAMMED.....F-THE RUGS...F-MY DOG.....F-MY KEYBOARD....DOWN THE MOTHAF&^%#$@ HATCH....... -......................................... -............................... -.....ahhhhh...thass better..... -where was I? What did I miss? -commershhhials -We see Paul Wight getting ready for his match -Val Venis came out...this is the luckiest prick on the face of the planet...this guy was an unknown wrestler who was handed THE gimmick of the decade..... -Val took a second to compare his pecker to concrete mix.....oh well. Then Mankind came out....he grabbed the mic and did a mini-goof on Val's opening....then reminded us that he was on the cover of "Newsday"......then had two words for us...no, not "suck it"..."MMMM BEEFY!!" -Has that commercial been shown anywhere other than on WWF programming? Let me see it on "ER"...THEN I'll be impressed.. -It may be time to bring back Cactus Jack.... -During this match...Lawler discussed Vince McMahon on ESPN and 20/20 and how it will be a hatchet job on the WWF...Jerry went all Oliver Stone on us by equating the following..... 1: ESPN is owned by ABC 2: 20/20 is owned by ABC 3: Monday Night Football is owned by ABC 4: Monday Night RAW is SOLELY RESPONSIBLE for beating the crap out of Monday Night Football in the ratings. (Nitro? What the Hell is a "Nitro"?) 5: Ergo: ABC will do a hatchet job on Vince McMahon for A: revenge and B: To try to reclaim some Monday Night Football Ratings -Then Lawler claimed to have proof that Dan Dierdorf killed Kennedy AND Jon Benet Ramsey.....THAT...THAT...BASTARD!!!!!! -All I know is that ABC is owned by Disney.....and old Walt Disney supported Hitler....plus Disney wants to rule the world....AND there is no porn allowed in the Disney regime....BE AFRAID!!!! BE VERY AFRAID!!!!! -I have a SIMILAR conspiracy theory......it's at the top of the Nitro Mop-Up...at the very beginning....watch for it. -Why is Lawler ranting about all this? Shouldn't he be out running over airline security with his Miata? -Foley won in front of his homecrowd.....rightly so. -Backstage with Vince and his kid..the lights flicker...Vince gets antsy. -commercials -shot of the Ministry backstage planning and plotting -The Godfather came out with three lovely....err...Ho's......unfortunately, "Ho" was a term coined by Rappers......and since it is now mainstream....it no longer reflact the hardships that only rappers seem to be allowed to talk about...so now there must be another word to reflect the original meaning of the word "Ho"......I propose the word "Coozebag"...observe... -The Godfather came out with three lovely Coozebags....see? It works dammit...IT WORKS!!!!! -Why? on Earth does his jacket read, "HIMPIN' AINT EASY"? -Godfather invited us ALL to come aboard the HO TRAIN!! ...Okay...okay..."Coozebag train" wouldn't quite work here....so..he could think of something else/ -Didn't one of those Ho's..I mean Coozebags marry Shawn Michaels last weekend? -Coozebags....there is something so.....so....nasty about that. -alas...poor Steve Regal...he would have ROCKED man..he just needed a shot. -Goldust came out with the Blue Meanie...I still have no problems with him being the I-C champ....but I don't expect it to last. -GF tried to offer GD his Coozebags.....but he was crawling around the ring and looking QUITE the fruitbag.....Godfather stopped his pitch and said, "You know what? I'm just gonna kick yo' ass"...which gave me a chuckle. -the match proceeded......it ended in a double countout.....Goldust wasn't allowed to pin the Godfather.....now you know why I don't think he'll be IC champ for long. -Then again... 12 years ago I predicted that the Honky Tonk Man would lose the IC belt inside of two weeks.......I don't know sheeit. -"Coozebags".......it'll sweep the nation -The lights flickered and the phone went dead on Vince again....a woman screamed....Vince yelled, "STEPHANIE? STEPHANIEEEE!!!!!!"...I...I...I remember when the lights went out on me...more than a few times......I...I...I...NOT THE CARJACK AGAIN!!!!!!! -.......................................... -.............................................. -...................................... -.......................beers number 7-10....GUZZLED!!!!! MORE...MORE...I NEED MORE!!!!! -commercials -The Ministry came out with a lithe figure dressed in black...head to toe...Lawler and Cole stick burning matches in their arms in order to hide the laughter and act serious... -This figure...oh let's just admit it..it's a chick....is strapped onto a SYMBOL FOR THE CROSS BUT NOT REALLY A CROSS BECAUSE THAT WOULD BE A LITTLE TOO MUCH...but it's a cross symbol... -The Undertaker comes out....does his little speech about how it ISN'T who he wanted..but what he got will have to do.... -Then we see Vince and Stephanie watching this...Stephy looks scared...Vince looks revolted. -It's...it's it's RYAN SHAMROCK!!! whoa..whoa...WHOOOA....I thought a VIRGIN was required for this sort of sacrifice??? And come on...let's face it...Ryan Shamrock may look like an angel....but the only thing virginal about her is...is....scratch that...there ain't nothing virginal about that piece of fluff. -After some more lecturing....Ryan was hoisted up.....Oh Lord -What the HELL is Ike Turner there???? IKE TURNER HAS JOINED THE MINISTRY???? HE WAS IN THE BACKGROUND!!! TRYING TO TAKE A SWIP AT RYAN WITH HIS BOOT!!!!!!!!!!!! I heard him scream, "You don't leave Ike turner!! I made yo' candy ass!! Now come here and let Ike give you the love snake!!! Don't you disobey me girl!! You saw what happened when Tina disobeyed me!!! -Somehow...I really doubt that when Jesus was on the Cross, he started to scream, "I WAS A STRIPPER IN JERSEY TWO MONTHS AGO!!! THEY AIN'T PAYING ME ENOUGH FOR THIS BULLSHIT!!!!!" -Oh...oh my....oh for God's.....enough is enough people...this is...oh man..this is too much.... -I saw a red stain....a red stain right around the hanging Ryan Shamrock's waist area...BELOW the waist area to be exact......it was..it was....oh Good Lord...the stain is spreading -RYAN SHAMROCK IS BLEEDING FROM HER...HER...HER THINGY......THEY MUST HAVE PUT ON A CHASTITY BELT MADE OF THORNS!!!!!!!!! -This is too much...I'm with Bob Ryder on this one...ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!!! Even I'm offended!!!!!!! -Oh...wait..this just in...her bleeding ISN'T from the Undertaker's evilness...it's just her time of the month and she forgot to change pads...my bad..all is well. -I will be AMAZED if this makes it past editing.....I will also reign down a FURY of shit storm if I am chopped to bits here...this is a special "Ultra Nasty" edition of the Mop-Up for all those who stayed with me during my recent.....lackadaisical efforts....THIS IS ALL FOR YOU GOOD PEOPLE!!!!!! -Ryan was in hysterics...say...do you think the UT could do this to a few chicks that I know? A few ex-girlfriends?? A few pieces of....of...SMELLY TUNASTEAKS WHO BROKE MY HEART AND STOM,PED ON IT 157 TIMES ONLY TO LET ME REBUILD MY ESTEEM SO ANOTHER COOZEBAG COULD TRAMPLE ALL OVER IT AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN???????? I HATE YOU ALL YOU...YOU...YOU....YOU ....NNNNYYYYYAAAAAAARRRRRRGHG -*pant...pant...pant....pant* -F-it..I'm going for 15 beers...I'll be back after they pump my stomach...... -................................... -........................................... -.............................................. -................................ -*burp*....yeesh....allrighty doody baby -Next thing I recall..Vince is yelling at ME!!! WHAA?? -"YOU STAY AWAY FROM STEPHANIE!! YOU STAY AWAY FROM STEPHANIE!! YOU EVIL BASTARD!!!!!!!" -Why is he yelling at ME? I never met the chick? So I sent her a few e-mails...and a few flowers...and that dead rat wrapped in the American flag with her name scrawled on the rat's belly....I just wanted to talk to her...I wasn't going to hurt her......geeze. Okay then, it's back to harassing Bischoff's daughter, I guess. She thought she could go to France to avoid me....oh hoo hoo...little tramp has a LOT to learn....mwahahahaaaaa -commercials -Shane McMahon came out and introduced Triple H.....HHH came out with Chyna. -HHH grabbed the mic and said that he didn't give a crap if us "nimrods" were ready or not.....and we could all suck it.....Cole dumbly said that "that wasn't how it USED to go!" -HHH in the Corporation...bad move in my opinion.....now he's in the shadow of the Rock.... -The Rock came out...because this was an absolute blast to hear...I'm going to transcribe it for you...this is how the Rock handled the crowd....who loves him no matter how heel he tries to be The Rock, "Paul Wight....you bring your ROODY........" The crowd, "ROODY POO ASS!!" The Rock stopped and looked at the crowd disgustingly Rock, "Paul Wight...You bring your ROODY poo......" Crowd does the same thing again....the Rock stops and gets frustrated... Rock, "Nassau, this is NOT...sing A long..with the gr...." The Crowd, "THE GREAT ONE!!!!" Rock stops again... Rock..with more inflection.."PAUL WIGHT!! You bring your ROODY P...." The crowd repeats it AGAIN!!! The Rock looks down on the ground in disgust.....he looks around to the crowd in defeat... Rock, "Well, go ahead and say it....IF YOU SMEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLL WHAT THE ROCK....." The crowd finishes it.....Maivia finishes it again...playing up to the crowd...and trying to second guess the crowd...or screwing with the crowd who are trying to second guess HIM.... -You see...THAT is cool.....THAT is what Bischoff will NEVER seem to get.....he has his employees...most notably Konan and Scott Steiner..say their phrases over and over because that's what got them over...but should either one of those guys deviate from the norm and play with the crowd...Oh that would be BLASPHEMY!!! -Think I'm kidding? MiCasa reported a while ago that Eric gave DDP Hell for insulting the Canadian fans at the last Nitro....even though Page was CLEARLY not over with them....even though Page was getting BOOED by them......Page should have stuck to his "face character" instead of playing along and giving the fans a little extra spice.......that's why Nitro is currently number 2...not because of the WWF's shock value....but because they GIVE THE PEOPLE WHAT THEY WANT....not what they THINK the people want. -The people like chanting along with Maivia? Then LET them..and by God, let Maivia play with it....it does NOT automatically mean that Vince should turn the Rock face either (because Bischoff would do that inside a WEEK if he were running things here). If Bischoff finally comes around and understands that notion..then the ratings will be a horserace once again. -It's called entertaining the people by any means possible....not by the strict guidelines of pro wrestling. -Anywhoo....Paul Wight came out to new theme music that simply HAD to be created by Jimmy Hart...it was WAAAAY to 80's....it reminded me of the Bossman's old "HARD TIME" theme.....in fact, GET RID OF IT...NOW!!!!! GET RID OF JIMMY HART TOO...F-HIM!!!!!! -Wight hit the ring..and off we go...let's make this quick shall we? -HHHstartedoutagainstthebigguybut hecouldnotputhimdownsohetaggedthe rockwhohadbetterluckbutreallydidnt domucheitherandsoitwentforawhile basicallyjusttoseeiftheformwergia ntcouldgodownbythewayIwillsaynow becausenobodyisreadingthisdavescherer andbobryderarehomosexualloversandrick scaishasneverbeenlaidbyamanorwoman trustmeonthisoneIknowanywhoothis wentonforawhilethenChyna intereferredandthebellrangthenit wasafourononebeatdowneventhough shanedidn'tdomuchthenaustincame outandchasedthemawaynowIwill finishtherecapinnormalform.... -Poor Triple H got both the Stunner and the Chokeslam...maybe he should have signed with WCW after all? -Shane had the booth put up the belt on the Titan Tron then took off... -Austin had Wight pull down the HUGE Titan Tron...then Austin went backstage and pulled out a LOOONG hooked spear and proceeded to shred the Titan Screen into shreds....the had some beers and the show ended on that note. -I don't know WHAT to make of this show...I'll let you know AFTER the Nitro recap...I guess the show was okay...kind of business as usual....why do I have to judge them anyway? Who the F%$K am I?? Chris Hyatte
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