Mop-Up Nitro
Recap & Review of the April 10 edition of WCW Nitro (TNT)
by Chris Hyatte

Well, this was it. Two weeks of promoting, an entire Nitro and an entire Thunder DEDICATED to this. Bob Ryder killing, burying, dancing, and finally pissing on the grave of any objective reputation he might have had left in order to sell this. It's time to put up or shut up. Last chance, last era. They simply can NOT get away with this sort of promotion again. NOTHING can keep re-launching itself over and over again without quickly becoming a parody of itself.

By the way... GOD BLESS SCOOPTHIS!!!!!!!!!

I just felt like letting that out. I have no idea why.

Incidentally, I have never re-launched the Mop-Up. For 117 columns it's been the same old crap week after week after vacation after week after vacation after month layover after edited week after week after 6 weeks away after site jump after week.

NITRO: (or: A new face, fresh from another company... AWESOME!!! Mike who?)

-WCW symbol. That's right. I'm not going anywhere! I am a creation of Eric Bischoff. He MADE me!!! Who cares if everything BAD that happened in WCW happened when I was put in front of the show. I will now help LEAD WCW TO HEIGHTS NEVER BEFORE SEEN!!!! WCW SYMBOL RULES, WWF 1 NATION DROOLS!!!!!!!!

-Opening theme, trotting out the one with the fireball coming out from between the black Nitro girl's legs. Eric STILL thinks this theme will result in 7's across the ratings board.

-Instead of fading to a crowd shot, a RIP in the middle of the screen shoots down splitting it into two. Much like that of a mini-skirt or a dress. Not 2 seconds into it, and Russo already tosses in a sexual innuendo. The New Era is UPON US!!!!!

-They are LIVE in Denver, Colorado according to Tony Schiavone. Yes, Tony still has a job. Somebody reported that they would get rid of him as he represents the OLD ways. That someone is a LIAR!!!!!!! And it WASN'T Al Isaacs. 

-hmm, no reason for me to point that out anymore. I keep forgetting. Old habits.

-Tony says that the "Mile High City" has the unique distinction of hosting a LANDMARK MONDAY NITRO THE LIKES OF WHICH HAVE BEEN SEEN A MILLION TIMES BEFORE, ONLY PACKAGED DIFFERENTLY.

-Funny thing about Denver. Their gutter system plays noises. Walk over a sewer grid and you might here a Lion's roar, a Subway, the screams of a woman being accosted by a pervert rapist. If you hear ANY of these thing while you are in Denver, just keep walking and enjoy the playful spirit of the City.

-Another cool thing about Denver. Go to a "Rockies" ball game and marvel at the site of the Rocky Mountains in the horizon as you watch the game. Plus, every seat is a good one, and the purple seats indicate that you are officially 1 mile above sea level.

-Tony says THIS is the night that THE WORLD CHANGED!!!!! 

-WRONG!!! Shatner let Joan Collins die and the Nazis do NOT take over the planet!!! Nice try Dillenger... you evil, evil MONSTER!!!!!!!

-Tony also says that tonight, Nitro "turns the page". This is no ordinary "Hollywood Night", oh no... They are "going to Katmandu" for a little of that "old time rock and roll" and will produced moments that will create pops usually reserved for people "like a Rock!!"

-Oh here Nitro is. On the road again!!!! There they are. Up onnnnn the staaaaaaaage!! There Eric goes, playing star againnnnn!! There Eric goes, turn the paaaaaaaagggge!!!

-THE HELL WITH THE RECAP!!! LET'S GO TO A STRIP CLUB AND GET SLOSHED ON JACK DANIELS!!! FOLLOW ME!!!! 

-The set is sort of the same, other than a drab new background behind a LARGE screen on top of the entrance way. The steel ramp is there, the general look of your typical Nitro is still there. They haven't changed jack squish!

-In the ring, a LOT of WCW wrestlers are there. I can name roughly half of them. The other half are complete strangers. Which sums up WCW's problems to a goddang "T"

-Where is Big T? Where is Duggan? Where is Funk? 

-I don't know half these broads either? Who's the blonde and who did she blow to get that major screen time?

-More importantly, what the hell is David Caruso doing there?

-Why is Professor Stephen Hawking there too? He can't work? He can't do anything!! He's the reason why Batman was able to defeat Prometheus... winged CHEATER!!!

-Virgil/Vincent/Curly Bill/Shane????? WHY GOD???? WHY???????

-Okay... okay... I know it's a new beginning. I now all bets are off and they are aiming for real surprises... but WHAT THE HELL IS CHRIS EVANS DOING THERE???????

-That's for my British readers. Both of them. Howdy LOSERS!!! Just a shout from the GOOD OL' USA!!!! REMEMBER?? THAT LITTLE WORLD THAT YOU USED TO OWN????? THEN WE BEAT THE SHAG OUTTA YA??? STICK THAT IN YER QUEEN MUM'S BUM!!!!!

-Mona's still there? Jeeze. Can you believe these people got paid for sitting at home and doing NOTHING? Unlike me, who sat at home and got paid the old fashioned way, through the death of my Mother and selling of my house. I only wish she was alive, so she could die again and I could get even MORE!!!

-COME ON DAD!!! LET THAT HEART EXPLODE!!! CHRIS NEEDS A NEW 

JEEP WRANGLER!!!!!

-Stupid ass... how dare he keep breathing. I HAVE NEEDS TOO, Y'KNOW???

-CHEERS: Scott Hudson is with Tony too. HOORAY!!!!!!!!!

-JEERS: So is Madden. BOOOOOO!!!!!

-More wrestlers file out from the back. These must be the "A-Listers"

-Scott Steiner, the Wall, Vampiro, Booker T (the T is BACK!!!) in a FULL suit. Booker has to dress nice, for da' LADIES!!!!! 

-Ernest "The Cat" is out too. Yup, Eric's back... sigh

-Kidman, his bim, Hammer (oy vey), and Jeff Jarrett. 

-Tony admits that he has no clue what will happen tonight. Wasn't that his excuse for the PAST 5 YEARS?????

-I will be tracking the length of time before the WWF is mentioned.

-You will notice that Prince Iaukeia is NOT there, or maybe he is, the camera isn't paying attention either way.

-Jarrett gets on the mic and reminds us that he left the WWF 6 months ago for this company. 3 minutes, 14 seconds... a new record.

-He discussed how he was hired to WCW to be there "Chosen 1", then told Keanu Reeves to gobble his crank in Macy's window. (Reeves reaction, "Whoa")

-Jarrett said that Russo single handily turned the WWF around, and he knows this because he was there. (I could bitch about this, but really... what else could they say? That it was a team effort? Of course not)

-Jarrett told the tale of how the "Master Plan" was cut short by a pack of "Good Ol' Boys" who took over, but couldn't compete. Jarrett added, "And they, knew it!!" (Oh come now, "Team Package" ROCKED THE HOUSE!!!!!!!! IT ROCKED THE HOUSE DAMMIT!!!!!!!)

-Jarrett had one thing to say to these folks, sitting at home. "What goes around, comes around!!" (UNTRUE!! I've been around LOTS of times...I've only "came"... uh... oh God... it's sad. It's just so sad)

-So, Jarrett introduced, "Vince McMahon's best kept secret" (riiight... and Patterson's penchant for young Puerto Rican boys is PUBLIC knowledge), and the man who will once again, "change the Game" (N-word PLEASE!)... Vince Russo!

-So, who wrote Mae Young's hand conception? It might have been dumb, but don't tell me it wasn't as wild and as nasty as anything Vince did!

-Russo came out to "Iron Man", like the old Road Warriors did. Back when they were AWESOME!!!! 

-Whooph, Russo + Meals = Not Many Missed. He's got the Old Warriors' theme and the Current Warriors' physique.

-He's got the "Wop Belly". It's a genetic condition that results in almost 50% of all girdle sales being made to middle aged guys named "Tony".

-Speaking of Wops. BIG PUSSY IS NOT DEAD!!!!! It was a dream sequence. He's signed for 6 seasons. Relax.

-Of course, there is NOTHING WRONG WITH A DEAD BIG PUSSY!!! Or a dead little pussy, or a dead sloppy pussy. Try it, you might like it AND you don't have to sweat talking to her afterwards.

-Madden says Russo swore NEVER to appear on camera before. Then asked "WHAT IS GOING ON??? (Hey Pudding guts, why do YOU think he left Titan? HE WANTED THE SPOTLIGHT!!!!)

-Hudson was "terrified at what Russo might say!" (Terrified? Give me a break)

-Spare tire aside, Russo is a handsome guy.

-Russo got on the stick, and said that he was at the WWF for 6 years and came to WCW with one thing in mind, "to beat Vince McMahon at his own game!" (But, if Russo wrote EVERYTHING in the WWF, then isn't Russo trying to beat HIMSELF at his own game??? AH-HA!!! HE SLIPPED!!!! RUSSO DIDN'T WRITE ANYTHING IN TITAN!!!!!! IT WAS ALL MCMAHON!!!!!!!! MCMAHON IS GOD!!!!!!!!)

-Russo said that within a matter of weeks, the "New Blood" was not only getting back INTO the game, they were CHANGING the game!!! (Bullcrap. All lies. Hitler would have been proud of this propaganda)

-Alas, the "Good Ol Boy" network kicked in, and the political rhetoric helped take Russo down. Next thing he knew, there was a "change in the programming, a change that would SUCK!!!" (well, come on, that Brad Armstrong/Chavo Guerrero 40 minute "ArmBar's Only" match RULED!!!)

-Not only did Russo know this, but so didn't Benoit, Guerrero, Malenko, Saturn, and Shane Douglas. Now where are they? All wearing titles in that other company. Hearing loud pops. Getting shirts designed that they will share in the sales profits. Being groomed for major stardom. Oh, those poor kids. It must be Hell for them. DAMN YOU SULLIVAN!!!! DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!!!!!!!!

-Scott Steiner knew, and he was suspended for saying his peace. (Alas, I was "away" and could not comment on that great speech. Yes, I DO take the occasional week off here and there. Hard to believe, I know.)

-Russo assures us that all that is History, and Vince Russo is "back in charge again". he looked at the crew behind him and promised that "it is over". No more of the fun Nitro was backstage with all those egos crowded into one locker room. It's all over. Now, EVERYBODY gets an opportunity!!!! (oh God, PLEASE... no more Konnan. I SO LOVED his time away)

-Voice from the back, "Are you DONE yet?". Russo drops his head and looks chagrined.

-That damn music.

-And there he is. 

-He flies in on that imaginary airplane. I will bet a lung, a testicle, and 5% of my small intestines that he practiced this entrance before the show. Probably in front of a mirror. 

-Eric Bischoff is out. Still with the creepiest head of hair in wrestling.

-Madden says that he either died and went to Wrestling Heaven, or died and went to Wrestling Hell. Then said that since there were only fruits and vegetables in the back buffet table, it must be Hell.

-Bischoff enters the ring. he eyes Russo. Russo eyes right back.

-This is it. Two mortal enemies with different approaches now must WORK together!!!! or SPLIT THE COMPANY IN TWO WITH SOME SORT OF BLOODSOAKED VENDETTA!!!!!!!! THIS COMPANY IS NOT BIG ENOUGH FOR THESE TWO!!!! SOMEONE HAS GOT TO GO!!!!!!!!!!

-They hugged. Schiavone screamed, "WHAT??" Madden almost choked on his drumstick. 

-Meltzer, Keller, Samuda, Scherer, Ryder.... they all predicted a Bischoff/Russo, Old/Young WAR!!!! THEY WERE ALL WRONG!!! THE INTERNET HAS BEEN SNOOKERED!!!!!!!!!!

-Except for Al Isaacs, who early on stated that both men were out and Turner hired the ghost of Fritz Von Erich to run things. 

-Bischoff got on the mic and declared that him and Russo had "more in common than anyone knows" (ego-maniacal tendencies? Major jealousy issues with Vince McMahon? Little Pee Pees?). Then he said that he too was screwed by the "Good Ol' Boys" network. (Hiring Master P was a GOOD move then?)

-But, it's all good, because now Eric sees opportunities to realize all the GOOD he's done! (Yes, convincing those Indians that Cows CAN be eaten instead of worshipped helped feed a LOT of Third World children. But when he started to preach that Allah was really an American Pillow Biter, THAT'S when he made a quick retreat back to the Homeland)

-Eric's also had time to reflect on all his MISTAKES too, like hiring Scott Hall, Kevin Nash, Sting (when did he hire Sting?), Dallas Page, and Sid Vicious! (well, we ain't shootin' no more. You can toss out reality too. 

-Eric admitted that his BIGGEST mistake was hiring Hulk Hogan. Even though he was warned about "being blinded by the Red and Yellow light" (wrapped up like a douche, you know we roll her in the night?), and boy, was he BLINDED!!

-But, he wasn't blinded anymore, and he officially apologized to the New Blood in the ring for being so narrow minded. He'll now do everything it takes to help Vince Russo help them!! Just so long as they all remember the 1 year no compete clause.

-meanwhile, backstage, Sting, Luger, DDP, and Sid were watching this. Elizabeth and Kimberly with their respective men. How can four MORTAL ENEMIES BE SO CLOSE TO EACH OTHER WITHOUT RIPPING EACH OTHER TO SHREDS?????

-Why did THEY get to stay backstage? THOSE DAMN EGOS!!!!! WCW IS GOING DOWN IN FLAMES ONCE AGAIN!!!! 

-Bischoff called out the folks he just trashed. Let's GO people!!!!

-The four came out. Hudson can't believe what he is seeing. (I know Scott, Eric's hair really is CREEPY)

-Eric was amazed that they came ready to work for a change. 

-He asked Sid, "What? No softball game?" (nice, if not overplayed, one)

-He asked Luger about lunch with "Michael Jordan" and golfing. (That's going too inside for me)

-He asked page about his two fans at the trailer park looking for an autograph for that horrible book of his. (I added the "horrible" part myself.)

-He asked Sting about going to Hollywood premieres... all of his movies were produced by BISCHOFF HIMSELF!!!!!! LET'S NOT FORGET THAT TIDBIT, SHALL WE?

-Page got on the mic and told Eric to "step off" before he "jacks him into bringing the bang" (This is a man who will NOT let tired catchphrases DIE!!! And if you believe that happy crappy, give me a HELL YEAH!!!!)

-Bischoff told Page to "go screw himself". If it weren't for Eric, Page would be shlepping drinks in Florida, telling people that he's friends with Bon Jovi. (The horror, the horror). Then he asked where page was while he was sitting at home, unemployed (OH THAT LYING... oh forget it. First bit of (almost) shooting WCW's had in two years, just let it ride and ignore the bull wedged in with the truth)

-He said that the guy who re-built Sting's career (now he's the Rafters guy with the big belly) was the same guy who made Lex Luger a multi-millionaire after the WWF didn't want to have anything more to do with him. (now THAT'S A SHOOT DAMMIT!!!!!!!)

-He was about to go off on Sting, but quickly made a left turn and said that he's gonna break all of them, but this time... he'll do it on a level playing field. (speaking of which, this just in... the new XFL will ONLY hold games on fields with hills and trenches... and at every half time show, some old bat will give birth on the fifty yard line.)

-Russo re-took the mic and had a special message to someone who was hiding in the back. He had a message for Ric Flair. He called Ric Flair a "piece of **** on the bottom of his shoe, and he plans on scrapping that **** off and flushing it down the toilet personally." TNT Censors: We believe in free speech, now bring back Slavery and make it snappy!!!! 

-Russo turned to Jeff Jarrett and said that the new day at WCW starts tonight. So, he asked Jarrett to trust him and hand over the US belt. All titles will be stripped tonight so that this new playing field can really start to cook. 

-Jarrett reluctantly handed it over. I heard him mutter, "If you hand this over to a girl, I swear, I might just pull an Owen my own self!"

-Russo took the tag belts too. As well as the Hardcore belt. I thought it was the Hardcore trophy?

-Bischoff was back on the stick and told Sid that there was only one belt left. (What about the TV title??? What about the NWA International Title?? WHERE THE FUDGE IS THE WESTERN STATES HERITAGE CHAMPIONSHIP, HUH???? I DON'T RECALL LARRY ZBYSZKO LOSING THAT STRAP TO ANYONE!!!!!!!!)

-Sid invited Bischoff to come and get the belt, if he wants it so bad.

-Bischoff had no problems with that. There we go. Eric's back to being a tough guy again. Why couldn't his airplane crashed? Why couldn't his hunting buddies have gotten drunk and shot HIM? 

-Madden asked if everyone has flipped? It was probably a message backstage telling his cooks that he likes his burgers brown on both sides.

-Bischoff walked over to Sid. He faced him and said that Sid was probably thinking about laying him out. He then invited Sid to do just that.

-You see, the Zen of Eric is that he will heal. His wounds will heal. But Sid will be unemployed. So, Sid can hit him, get fired, and take his chances... or he can hand over the belt. His choice. (A good choice too. The current WWF ain't really built for Sid anymore. Then again, they weren't built for the Bossman neither, and that guy worked tonight's main event)

-Eric, "What's the matter Sid, can't find any scissors?" (The look on Sid's face DROPPED. He did NOT see that one coming)

-Hudson, "WHOA"

-Tony, "WOW"

-Madden, "Does this shirt make me look fat?"

-Eventually, Sid handed it over.

-Arn Anderson... I hope you saved your money. I hope you had a retirement plan. Because already, you were just pissed on.

-Eric re-entered the ring. Tony said that at the next PPV in 6 days, every title will be decided. Just like that, a PPV was made... sort of.

-meanwhile, DDP shifted uncomfortably and whispered to Kimberly, "You were right, he never even ASKED for the Battlebowl ring, now as soon as we get out of here, you go get the Tweezers. I thinking I'm bleeding back here!!"

-Tony announces that Castrol paid for this. With Castrol, you can drive HARD!!!!

-The Announcers were shown as Tony tries to make sense of all this. Hudson showed that he shaved his head by CHOICE... but he is bald by GENETICS!! Madden's mouth was wide opened... more so than usual. Ringside kids got WCW merchandise if they could land their popcorn in there. They will bring out the Bearded Lady and the world's only albino gorilla immediately following the broadcast.

-Madden was so excited, he was sweating freely. A new week, a new excuse.

-Backstage, Hulk Hogan has just arrived. They now have just over an hour (20 minutes for this segment, a good 15 minutes for commercials) of airtime to mold this guy for a new audience. Moses had it easier getting those people through the Caspian Sea.

-commercials

-Spot for Page's new book. Everybody in wrestling is good. Nothing bad ever happened in his life. I just recapped the book for you. 

-Alas, there is no chapter on that feisty little web site that called him a drug dealer who sold his poison to naive webmasters. Sometimes, time does NOT heal the wounds amigo... bang.

-Moments ago, the WCW talent in the ring celebrated. Ernest Miller whispered something in Bischoff's ear about how his 6 year old son just became a fourth degree black belt and will open Dojo's all across America. Bischoff promised him the World Title by June.

-Backstage, Sting ratted out Bischoff to Hogan like the no good creepface he is. Hogan sighed heavily and asked why he can't just fight Savage again. He left, promising that he was "on it". Neither man was ribbing the other one. It's a shoot.

-DDP came out with Kimberly. His music and pyro was cut. WCW does NOT cater to drug dealers.

-He at least cut his hair, finally.

-Hey!! "Ready to Rumble" bombed and bombed HARD!!!!! Looks like Goldberg has to go back to WORK!

-Lex Luger and Elizabeth came out. HIS music and pyros were cut out too. Plus, his spotlight was taken away too. 

-Luger bitched about this. Page yelled, "COME ON!! LET'S GO!!! I GOT SOME H THAT AIN'T CUTTING ITSELF!!!"

-The match got going... it's kind of funny. But the match FELT like an "Old" match. I can't explain it any better. It felt like they were intentionally working an old school type of match. Which of course, they were... that was sort of the whole point... D-head.

-Buff came out to full pyros and music and flirted with Kimberly. Page was upset. Luger hit him from behind.

-Buff then went after Elizabeth. Luger stared at him. Buff grabbed her by the hair. Luger put his foot on the ropes. Luger screamed, "SO HELP ME GOD, IF YOU START HUMOPING HER!!!! I'LL JUMP OUT OF THE RING AND MAKE FACES!!!! I'LL DO IT MARCUS!!! I SWEAR TO GOD!!!!!"

-Page hit Luger with the Cutter from behind and got the pin. Page moves on in this mini-tourney that will decide who gets to fight Jarrett for the belt at the PPV. I should have told you this before, shouldn't I?

-Backstage, Hogan is looking for Bischoff. He mumbles the s-word too. That is NO way for a hero to behave. Heroes do NOT swear, unless they are issuing retarded challenges at the competition to make up for the fact that they know deep down they are really a joke.

-I CHALLENGE CRZ TO A RECAPPING DEATH MATCH ANYWHERE... ANYTIME!!!!! 

-commercials

-Curt Hennig catches up with Vince Russo and promptly kisses his ass. Russo gives Hennig a shot at Jarrett's title match later tonight. Hennig says "perfect". Russo barks, "SHUT UP, NUMBHEAD!!!!" Hennig says, "Oh sh**... I forgot", then says, "Awesome!". Russo flinches and hisses, "Not YET... you moron!!" They cut away quickly.

-Hogan is still looking for Bischoff. He opens one door, looks for a second, and mutters "wow". (It's official then, they hired Patterson... God help them)

-Tank Abbott comes to the ring. He gets on the stick and says that he came to WCW for one reason. To DESTROY KEN SHAMROCK AND HUMILATE HIS SORRY ASS BACK TO THE ORPHANGE!!!!

-Then, after he learned that he went to the wrong company, he said that he was REALLY here for that Goldberg nitwit. See, he's not a " candy ass ‘rassler" he's a SHOOT FIGHTER!!! (Fighting Shoot wherever it may be).

-Problem is, GB's nursing a scratch on his arm. So he's not around. (Goldberg ALWAYS hides away during the Easter season. Fill in the blanks and leave me alone)

-So, Tank will just have to keep beating up innocent citizens until Goldberg resurfaces. Tank doesn't care if he has to beat up Mother Teresa, he'll beat up ANYONE!!! (umm, has Tank EVER read a newspaper? She's DEAD!! I know... I paid her a "visit". And let me tell you, this "Bride of Christ" thing is nonsense. She was LOOSE as a GOOSE. I had to strap a board across my back just so I wouldn't fall in.)

-I'm gonna have to note this part for Trey to see if he'll take it. It's lines like this that separates the men from the PLAYAS

-Tank jumped down and walked around. He walked towards the Announcers. Madden pointed at Tony and said "Him, HIM!!!!!" Hudson ran like hell.

-OH GOD!!! PLEASE DONT!!! I DO NOT WANT TO GIVE TANK A B-JOB!!!!! OH GOD!!! NOT HIM!!!

-Tank moved in and attacked MARK MADDEN!!!! Swatted him HARD.

-He ripped Madden out of his seat (no small feat) and tossed him.

-He ripped Madden's shirt off. You could hear the laughter. My God. Holy Cow.

-Madden was topless. It was... it was... Oh sweet Jeezus.

-Tony, "Oh my God" (God has nothing to do with this. Try "Oh My McDonalds")

-Hudson, "Should we go in there?" Tony told him one more stupid comment like that and Tenay will be warming the seat faster than Hudson can say, "Would you like fries with that?" 

-WCW security ran in. Madden used the remains of his shirt to cover his boobs. He was ashamed. Trust me. I don't care HOW much money you get (and Mark ain't rolling in it... believe me), nor do I care how cocky you are, you do NOT take stuff like this in stride. It looked good on paper, and Mark was MORE than happy to set it up in his column, but he was humiliated.

-Every time he trashes us "marks", you can now laugh. The emperor has been relieved of his clothes. He is now the biggest fool in the sport.

-backstage, Jarrett whines to Russo about fighting Hennig. Vince says that he ain't JJ Dillon and Jarrett can trust him. Jarrett was consoled a bit, but still anxious.

-For those who had forgotten, Dillon ran out on McMahon much like Russo did. In the middle of the night and without warning. Think JJ is regretting that move now?

-Backstage, Torrie Wilson uses every acting skill in her being to try to convince us that she was worried about what Billy Kidman was about to do. Upon seeing this, James Lipton immediately canceled her appearance on "Inside the Actor's Studio" and shot a note off to her agent telling him to "If that silly little bitch makes one step into New York I'll have Nathan Lane violate her with a tube of Knockwurst." He filled her slot in with Pauly Shore. (Favorite word? "Funnnndage!")

-Backstage, Terry Taylor told Hogan that Bischoff was a few doors down. Taylor was in the WWF for all of 5 minutes. It really is an amazing story. 

-err... I just went over it in my mind. It's not an amazing story at all. It's rather a boring tale of a guy who couldn't tell which lawn was greener.

-commercials

-Hogan spots Bischoff. Hogan starts bitching. Bischoff starts sweet talking. Bischoff decides that the cameras do NOT play a part in this and invites Hulk inside for a chat. Hogan goes in and Eric looks around to make sure nobody other than the MILLIONS WATCHIN ON TV see this. His eyes dart around. He's the same old douche.

-Billy Kidman marches to the ring with a microphone. I wonder if he's gonna shoot on his friends that left him alone in the company. Rat finks. THEY COULDN'T HAVE WAITED OUT THE STORM, COULD THEY??? THEY COULDN'T HAVE SAT THROUGH THE SULLIVAN REGIME AND HOLD ON UNTIL THE SUNRISE THAT IS BISCHOFF???? NOW THEY ARE IN TITAN!!! NOW THEY ARE IN HELL!!!!

-Kidman got on the stick and announced that his ship has FINALLY arrived. Now HE gets his shot at greatness!! No more watching OTHERS move up while he puts over geeks like Juventud!! Now is the time for the persecution to END Now is the time... for KIDMAN!!!!! (Jeeze, take a PILL dude)

-Kidman wanted to address the one man who really helped screw him over some... that Aryan Monster by the name of HULK HOGAN!!!

-See, Hogan has been badmouthing him for weeks, goofing on his size. But Kidman has two things on him that Hogan will NEVER have, "Heart and Talent" (well, hair too. Notice Kidman didn't say "Torrie" either. That's stretching it. EVERYBODY'S had Torrie)

-He pointed out that the ONLY way Hogan can get that "grotesque orange tan" is from being in the spotlight too long.

-Hudson, "Checkmate!" Tony, "D'OH, I didn't even see that King coming!" You'd think that TONIGHT, they'd be paying attention.

-Kidman called Hogan a "pile of ****" who knows all about drawing flies.

-Tony, "Boy, I hope Hogan doesn't hear this!!" I could have cheerfully shot him.

-So, Kidman called Hogan's ass OUT. 

-Hogan walked out backstage, saw Kidman on the monitor, grumbled, "THIS is why they can't hire Tiny Lister again?" and made his walk.

-Kidman wanted to know if Hogan's "balls were as big as his bald spot" (Of course, a "spot" indicates something that is SURROUNDED by something else. Hogan has a bald PENINSULA... it's all skin from the forehead, straight down to his pubes)

-Hogan came out. Now THIS should be fun.

-Hudson said that we saw this coming months ago. (we DID??)

-Hogan was wearing a WHITE T-shirt. I shudder at the symbolism. (White shirt... Aryan... Kidman's religion. People, come on now... IT'S ALL RIGHT THERE!!!!)

-Hogan entered the ring. His entire body shadows Kidman's.

-He asked Kidman who the hell he thinks he is, then said that all Kidman does is piss and moan about not getting any breaks. How he never gets the push. How he didn't directly kill Jesus, so why is he blamed???

-Then Hogan said that he has been making enough movies to know that Kidman's "people" run Hollywood already, unlike us poor Catholics, who don't run ANYTHING cool. (okay, even if it was true, there is NO REASON WHY HE SHOULD HAVE MENTIONED THAT!!!!!!)

-Kidman said Hogan's run was good, but it's over.

-Hogan said that Kidman ain't in his league, then said that he was "p-whipped" 

-That was enough. Kidman attacked. He punched away at Hogan. 

-Hogan screams

-Hogan FALLS!!!!!!

-Not quite like the time Galactus fell in New York, but John Byrne, Russo is NOT.

-The fight continued. Tony, "THE WORLD HAS TURNED UPSIDE DOWN!!! IN ONE NIGHT!!!" (ah, so that explains why I can now walk on my ceiling. For a second there, I thought I was Spider Man)

-It spilled out of the ring. Hogan went to work.

-Hogan trashed the kid. Really, how could it go any other way? He outsized the kid in every way.

-Back in the ring, Hogan gets on the mic and calls Kidman a piece of trash. Tony claims that Hogan has NEVER ACTED LIKE THIS EVER BEFORE IN THE HISTORY OF PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING!!!!!! Then Tony asked, "What are all these signs about the NWO? What is the NWO?"

-Bischoff ran out with a chair. He entered the ring and told Hulk to finish the brat. Hogan smiled/sneered HE'S A HEEL AGAIN!!!!!!!!!! 

-Bischoff nailed Hogan with the chair. ugly looking, but Hulk took it full on the cranium.

-Hogan went down and reached into his pocket. Kidman said, "Not yet, not yet", and pinned him. Eric made the count.

-Hogan picked something out of his pocket. A few seconds later, he was bleeding. Must be those "delayed reaction" wounds that slowly rip open after contact with the chair. Although I'm not sure why he went into his pocket? What's up with THAT?

-Bischoff and Kidman celebrated while Hogan rolled around.

-Outside, Ric Flair was on site. Ric honestly acted like he had no clue what was happening and was ready to kick some more butt with Team Package. Asking why Sullivan wasn't out there to pick up his gym bag was a nice touch.

-commercials

-footage of what we just saw.

-Hogan was out back, kicking anything that didn't move voluntarily. Now he knows how his wife feels.

-Flair made Terry Taylor and company replay the entire 20 minute opening segment for him. Flair asked, "And Sullivan APPROVED this?" Taylor turned around and said, "You can't open ONE e-mail Ric? Just ONE?"

-Ric Flair marched out. It's his turn now, I guess.

-Holy God. RAW is on and I DON'T WANT IT TO BE!!!!!!!!! THE WHOLE WORLD HAS CHANGED ON ME!!!!!!!!! GOD WALKS AMONG US AND HE'S ON WCW'S PAYROLL!!!! 

-On "Spice" some chick was getting oil massaged on her naked ass. I apologize for interrupting the recap for this, but it's oil on a naked ass. Did you hear me? It's OIL ON A NAKED ASS!!!!! OIL!!!! ASS!!!!! NAKED!!!!!!

-You understand.

-Flair was out. He said last week that he would need 30 minutes to bitch about all this and dammit, he's gonna use it!!!!

-Flair on the mic. The deal on Russo is that he came from the WWF to "save us". Well, Russo grew up "watching me, pal!!" WHOOOOO

-It's always about HIM? Isn't it? Freaking EVERYTHING, when boiled down, relates to HIM in one way or the other.

-I'm starting to wonder if Bischoff wasn't right when he put a short leash on Flair?

-Call Flair old? Call Flair GREAT!!!! (ugh... verbal masturbation, they name is Ric FLAIR!!!)

-Flair made a cheap bid for heat when he referenced John Elway. Now he's down to ripping off Piper?

-If Russo grew up in new York, and if he saw Yankee Stadium, he saw "Joe, the Babe, the Mick, and put Ric Flair next to them!!" (Oh GOD NO RIC NO!!!! THEY ARE ALL DEAD!!!! RIC, RIC!!! BUDDY!!!! IN THEIR DAY BLACK GUYS COULDN'T EVEN PLAY WITH THEM!!! IT WAS THAT LONG AGO!!! STOP THIS TRAIN BEFORE IT CRASHES INTO AN OLD FOLK'S HOME!!!!!)

-Ric said that this is the "only business sport in the World that you get your ass kicked for getting old!!!" (Err, how many 40 year old Gymnasts are there? How about female Tennis players?)

-Flair talked up all the old players. Then said that whatever problem he has with Bischoff, at least Eric had the guts to walk up to Vicious (oh please)

-So, Ric invited Russo out. Tony said that the world has turned upside down again!! (ahh, so that explains why my pee runs up my chest whenever I use the john)

-Scott Steiner comes out instead of Russo (oh man, now here is some REAL bad blood)

-Steiner mumbled his way through a monologue. I SWEAR, I only understood roughly three words out of every five. I'll try to make some sense of this...

-A: The words, "Old Bastard" was used. I thought that guy was in jail?

-B: Flair tried to get him fired.

-C: Every title holder in the WWF, except for one guy, came from WCW (*COUGHpyscosidjeffjarretttheharristwinssteinerisdumberthanthecraponmyceilingbecausetheworldstillupsidedownHACK*)

-D: These title holders were ran out so Flair can be a 14 time world champion. Doesn't make a DROP of sense.

-I should note that Flair said NOTHING during this speech. Quite frankly, he looked as if he was delivering quite the load of Chocolate bars in his trousers. That ain't acting, folks. Nobody in there right mind would tick off Steiner.

-Then Steiner stuck some fake teeth in his mouth and made fun of him.

-Meanwhile, Shane Douglas ran out and attacked Flair from behind. Flair went down and stayed down. My friends, the Past DOES come back, the Past DOES get revenge, and the Past WILL show NO mercy.

-amid all this chaos, we see Bret Hart in the seats. The Announcers didn't say a word. We can barely make him out because of all the smoke. Bret refuses to let his kids watch wrestling anymore, but has no problem sitting in the "Pot Section"? THAT CANADIAN HYPOCRITE!!!!!!!!!

-July. Maybe. Flair will last until July. Then he will be off TV and the Internet will buzz about rumors that he wants out. July... LATEST.

-Backstage, Nash has arrived. On crutches. Nobody rests in the new Era. Unless you look like Austin, make bad movies, and bitch at Webmasters about the competition.

-commercials

-We see Bret Hart again. Bret's life has been sheer Hell since the day he dropped the belt to HBK in the Iron Man match. To be perfectly honest, the Internet has been REALLY hard on him too. Myself included. If I had a place to do my "And Another Thing" columns, I would discuss this in depth. But I don't. Nobody wants to bring me aboard. They're mad because I "make fun of them"... oh boo hoo. Pack of babies. 

-We see footage of what just happened. Tony calls Nitro "a trainwreck in every segment". (Most obvious line EVER... "So, what else is new?")

-Backstage, Flair is on a rampage much like Hogan. Two old men running around looking for someone. Like many of our finer Nursing Homes.

-Nursing Homes or, as I like to call them, "Free Sex and lots of it!"

-Mean Gene still has a job... unfortunately. He breaks into TOUGH AS NAILS JOURNALIST SEARCHING FOR THE TRUTH and proceeds to grill Shane Douglas as to why he's poking around Nitro even though he has no job there. Douglas tells Okerlund to go screw, then briefly recaps the reason why he hates Flair. I was half expecting Douglas to go off and pound Okerlund, but I think they want him to be a Heel.

-Sting came out.

-Sid came out.

-The Wall came out with a table.

-Take the Luger/Page match and put Sting/Sid in their place. Replace Buff with the Wall. Replace assaulting the Girls with putting Sid through a table. Replace Page getting the pin with Sting getting the pin. Replace the pinfall with a countout That about covers it.

-Some things remain the exact same. Nitro: Clean wins are for HOMOS!!

-Oh yeah, the Wall still blows.

-The Announcers get face time. Scott Hudson takes his hands, puts them spread opened at chest level, says that the Pepsi Center is "aliiiive" and shakes his hands violently. Next week, he and Peter Boyle put on a rousing edition of "Putting on the Ritz", complete with Top Hats and Tuxedos. Should be a hoot, just don't boo them.

-It's not my week.

-Flair was back in the ring and challenged Douglas to a match. He said that Douglas "made a lifetime out of trying to be me". (That's right, and I am SICK AND TIRED OF IT!!! THERE IS ONLY ONE HYATTE, DAMMIT!!!!! THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE!!!!)

-It may ALWAYS be about him, but Flair is BEST when he's screaming about someone.

-Backstage, Hogan is STILL rampaging. 

-commercials

-Hogan grabs Shane and Shannon and demands to know where either Bischoff and/or Kidman are. Neither boy knows. Hogan slams then against a wall. The two boys started weeping like girls. Thank you Vince. Thank you very, very much.

-footage of that disaster known as the "Ready to Rumble" premiere. David Arquette got to hit Jarrett with a guitar. David Arquette will be on Thunder tonight to scream at the fans for not seeing this movie. It might truly be best if they cancel the Arquette booking and pretend this whole thing never happened. 

-Notice that nobody is talking about the movie on the show? 

-We see Rena Mero there. Hmmph, I thought she died.

-by the way, I have it on PLENTY of good authority that Marc Mero might very well be the dumbest man alive. I'm talking seriously low IQ here.

-Jeff Jarrett came out.

-Curt Hennig came out. Now we are gonna get some RASSLIN'!!!!!

-*yawn* The New Era of WCW shouldn't be about WRESTLING!!!!!! IT SHOULD BE ABOUT ACTION/ADVENTURE STORYTELLING AND PLENTY OF MONOLOGUES FROM PEOPLE WHO GOT INTO THIS BUSINESS SO THEY DIDN'T HAVE TO LEARN LONG ASS MONOLOGUES!!!!!!!

-Exhibit A: Brian Knobbs

-They went a while... then someone came out from the back.

-It's SHAWN STASIAK!!!!! Hudson brilliantly reminded us that he used to be "Meat" in the WWF. Tony asked, "What is the WWF?"

-Shawn Stasiak... proving once and for all that it's all about the ratings. NIXON left office on less stuff than what this kid pulled in Titan.

-Hudson pointed out that "we heard about what happened in New York", but didn't go into specifics.

-Stasiak hit the ring and attacked Hennig. He picked him up and went for that Spinning Stunner move. Unfortunately, Hennig knows FULL well what this kid was up to, Hennig does NOT DIG what this Kid was up to, and made it VERY DIFFICULT for the Kid to sell this move. After lugging him around for a few seconds, Stasiak dumped him down and tried his best to sell it. It looked like crap. I have a funny feeling there will be quite a few workers back there who won't be hustling very hard to make Stasiak look good. Ac Actually, it's nice to see some of that unspoken unity shine.

-Of course, I could just be assuming this and everyone will work to help Stasiak get over. Somehow, I doubt this... but it's possible.

-Is that a tape recorder in Stasiak's pocket or is he just happy to be employed?

-Jarrett ended up winning. Of course.

-Backstage, Hogan is up in the Skyboxes looking for Bischoff. Let's get on with this already.

-commercials. When are they gonna replace the pictures on those WCW Credit Cards?

-Backstage, Kevin Nash was on the phone with... someone. The Ill informed might conclude that it was Hall on the other line, but I happen to know that Nash was actually speaking to none other than ScoopThis columnist, and featured Honoree for the month of April... ROBERT LAMB!!!!!!!!!! THE BEST DAMN COMEDY WRITER ON INTERNET WRESTLING PARODY SITES ANYWHERE!!!!!!!!!!!

-thus concludes my participation in Robert Lamb Month 

-Okerlund talked to Sting. Sting said more in 20 seconds than he has in the last year and a half. He also reminded us that it was LOYALTY that keeps him around (plusanobsenepaycheck asweetworkscheduleandhewas abletoinvadedaisyfuentes intherudestofspots), no matter WHAT the WWF ever offered him.

-Ric Flair came out in street clothes. Hudson wondered if Scott hall was on his way out tonight? (oh Geeze... New Era, shnew Era... they still are using overdone hype to keep the audience around)

-Shane Douglas came out. They got going.

-Tony promised us that this will be "no clinic"... (well come ON dude, Flair only uses 8 moves max, and Douglas is the King of the Rest Holds. Nobody expects a clinic here)

-Flair pounds away at Douglas. Hudson remarks about how the history here has been covered "on the Internet, on the Dirt Sheets, on the Hotlines". Funny, I always thought the Internet WAS the dirt sheets?

-Douglas took control. I still say he's the most overrated "wrestler" in the biz. Dudes, he lasted this long on his MOUTH and his MOUTH alone.

-Vince Russo came out with a bat.

-Vince Russo used the bat. Used it HARD.

-Douglas used the bat too. Used it HARD.

-The bell rang.

-Russo took off Flair's "$15'000 Rolex" and pocketed it. Isn't it WAAAY too early for Russo to start REPEATING HIMSELF!!!!!! MY GOD!!!!!!!

-Russo also delivered Crotch Chops. I guess he invented THAT too. Screw it... 

-Of course, X-Pac invented it when he was Syxx right there in Atlanta, but like I said... screw it.

-By the way, at some point during this segment, Tony announced that Bischoff and Russo decided to call the guys they didn't like "The Millionaire's Club". Works for me.

-Of course, Flair was laid out and in need of medical attention. Get used to it Riccy!!

-Nash was hobbling away. It's his turn now.

-commercials

-footage of what just happened.

-Kevin Nash came out to Wolfpack music. He's barely limping.

-Hudson pointed out that Nash used to be in the "Clique", one of the most NOTORIOUS GROUPS EVER IN THE HISTORY OF WRESTLING!!! RUNNING ROUGHSHOD OVER THE BOOKERS!!! RUNNING ROUGHSHOD OVER THE ANGLES!!!! RUNNING ROUGHSHOD OVER VINCENT MCMAHON!!!!!!! 

-Hudson really should switch to decaf. Lordy loo.

-Nash was in the ring. Tony sells the name, "Millionare's Club" some more. They wait until the show's almost over to come up with an name everyone can agree on and WE HAVE TO PAY FOR IT!!! IT'S NOT FAIR!!! IT'S JUST NOT FAIR!!!!!!

-That's the best I can do? Damn, this IS a good show.

-Nash announces that he is in the house. For the blind folk out there.

-He's got some shooting to do. Just as soon as he flips that hair.

-There ya' go.

-Nash calls the two new bosses a couple of "Jagoffs" (Hmm, I didn't even know they were fans of the show, never mind devotees!)

-Nash wasn't too thrilled with these two "Jagoffs" wanting to play "wrestler" and attack the boys (oh, if he goes on about the "suits" again, and how they don't even get Social Security again...)

-First off, Nash wanted to know what the hell happened to that "sweet little RASSLIN' show they were doing every Monday?" Then he tossed in, "Where's the DOG when you need him the most?" (Oh... just when you want to be sick of Big Sexy, he drops golden lines like THAT!!! NASH RULES BABY!!!!!! BOOYAAAAA)

-Then Nash looked right in the camera (he is such a handsome dude) and said, "You know... Russo, Easy E..." then shook his head sarcastically. God Bless the big lug.

-He said that he just got off the phone with Scott Hall. Hall is "straight, sober, and in a real bad mood." (well DUH... if you had to stay straight and sober 24/7, YOU'D be in a lousy mood too.)

-Truth is, neither Russo nor Bischoff would even BE there were it not for them. (Brother is PREACHING!!!!!!)

-He said that Russo knows FULL well that Kevin Nash and Scott Hall saved him on NUMEROUS OCCASIONS from being decapitated by Shawn Michaels in the WWF. (they DID?? Quick, someone get the story on THAT! That's a tale I want to HEAR!! Some one e-mail Scherer and DEMAND that he spill the beans. I'd do it myself, but Internet guys don't talk to each other. We're all too insecure.)

-He said that without the Outsiders, there would be no NWO, and Eric would still be bringing Verne Gagne his coffee up in Minnesota!!

-Tony announced that this was now a "shoot". No. If he said JIM ROSS, THEN it would be a shoot.

-If they want Nash out. It's real simple. Come on out, bring your bat, bring your chair, and most importantly, bring your BALLS!!!! (and bring that no compete clause in his contract and a lighter, because if he's leaving WCW, Brother... guess where he's making a beeline RIGHT TO)

-Suddenly, some guy came out and attacked Nash from behind. Hudson screamed that it's MIKE AWESOME!!! THE CURRENT ECW CHAMPION WHO HAS A DEFENSE THIS WEEK!!!

-I'll get into this in a second. Let's just finish the segment.

-Awesome used Nash's crutches on him a bit, then got on the stick and mumbled something about this being too good an opportunity to pass up. He also chucked someone the finger on camera. 

-Okay. I'm sure you know the deal here. Awesome basically spit on his iron clad ECW contract, and convinced WCW to pony up a lot of dough and a nice lathering of ECW respect from their announcers in order to get him. Let's face it, they got him because Rob van Dam wasn't available, nor was anyone in the WWF.

-It's not a jaw dropping moment, it's a moment, but not jaw dropping. Awesome wasn't exactly lighting ECW up.

-Plus, it's bad business. Basically, it said that contracts are pointless and ANYONE can get out of their contract if they really want to. This might open up some floodgates that have no business being opened. What's to stop the Rock from showing up in CNN Center one day after Vince makes him put over someone he doesn't want to put over? Or how about Goldberg? 

-This is troublesome. A possible trend might come from this that will do NOBODY any good.

-meanwhile, Hogan is in his Limousine, demanding that his Lawyer do something about this crap. He also promised to eat Bischoff's "ass alive"... (ahh, no wonder they stayed tight during Eric's absence... and I do mean TIGHT)

-Hogan throws the camera guy out of the Limo. A brief picture change is needed because...

-The White Humvee comes flying out and rams into the Limo. That's right. The White Hummer is back. Playful wink to the Ghosts of Eric's Past, or Living Proof that Eric believes ALL of his ideas were good ones? You decide!!

-or, don't decide. See if I care.

-Bischoff and Kidman get out of the truck to laugh at Hogan. Tony and Hudson deduced that Bischoff has been driving the thing each and every time we saw it. I think that, no, I KNOW that we all were happily living our lives without even ONCE wondering about this Mystery. Now, let's see who DDP's mysterious benefactor was.

-Footage of the White Hummer and the damage it did therein.

-backstage, Bischoff and Kidman ragged on Hogan, who was out cold and being loaded into an Ambulance. Kidman sprayed "NB" on Hogan's shirt. Oh sure, Hogan will play along with this new angle, but he will NOT have his skin spraypainted. Fun is fun but this IS Hulk, after all. His ego will only be stretched so far.

-Dallas Page came out with Kimberly. He got his pyros back. No explanation as to why. New Era my FANNY!!!!!

-Tony announces that this "very special Nitro" has been cleared to go an extra 30 minutes. For the first time in my life, I could deal with the full 3 hours. This IS the Bizarro World.

-Sting came out. 

-Jeff Jarrett came out to join the Announcers. Am I crazy or is every match ending the same way?

-Page went for the Diamond Cutter, but was shoved out of the ring.

-Jarrett's main goal was to remind us that this was all just the beginning and every week we can expect the same. (yes, but Jeffery, THAT WAS THE PROBLEM IN THE FIRST PLACE!!!!!!!!!!)

-Sting went for the Scorpion Death Drop, but Page weaseled out of it. It might have been the Scorpion Death Lock, but Hudson said "drop"... Hudson gets paid to know these things, so I cannot argue.

-Jarrett walked over to Kimberly and bitched to her about skyrocketing gas prices (oh man, I'm telling ya', they are KILLING us). Page jumped out of the ring and punched him.

-Meanwhile, Sting was assaulted by VAMPIRO!!! One last shock to cap off the night. Hudson screamed about the "Brother's in Paint!!!" Somebody slap him... PLEASE

-Page got the pin. Jarrett was back in the ring. Kimberly bowed her head and clenched up her shoulders. TEN SECONDS LATER, Jarrett hit her with his guitar. Leave it to a chick to wreck the moment. We are ripped away from this moment to deal with some...

-commercials

-footage of what just happened.

-We see that Dallas carried his wife to the back. Kimberly's head lolled backwards. Wise ass fans used the opportunity to try to get ice cubes thrown between her boobies. One of them sunk in. Kimberly's nipples started to shoot off fireworks. The fan won a Teddy Bear. God Bless this company.

-Backstage, Bischoff and Russo convince Jarrett to go out there and kill the time with some mic work. Jarrett did just that.

-Oh, you can figure out what he said. It's the same damn stuff he's been saying since day 1

-Page ran out and attacked.

-Scott Steiner ran out and attacked.

-Luger was out.

-Buff

-Vampiro and the Wall

-Sting

-Old vs New

-New came out to overwhelming numbers.

-Old got tuned on.

-Bischoff and Russo came out to congratulate themselves.

-Bret Hart came out from behind to scowl at them. 

-The show ends.

Nitro wins. Not even close. I have no problems saying that the show was killer. I'd be a damn fool to say otherwise.

BUT... # of segments featuring Black athletes? 0. Second week in a row. 

Well, since it's a WCW week all over the Web, let's just blend all my thoughts on this "New Era" into one big old Closer. Save us some time.

Yes, they hit a home run. What I watched was a perfectly organized, well executed show that was supposed to look like "On the Fly" bookmaking. They pulled it off.

Hogan is in a program unlike ANYTHING WE HAVE EVER SEEN BEFORE. IF they can re-invigorate his career once again, then NOBODY and I mean NOBODY will have ANY RIGHT TO DEMAND THAT HE RETIRE OR QUIT ANYMORE!!! Scherer has LOUDLY said that Hogan should hang it up, basing it on opinion, and ratings reflections. If Hogan is re-modeled, and if Hogan can once again become a ratings grabber... then anyone who criticized him in the past can only shut UP. Because they would just look like simpletons who work under the impression that if THEY can't imagine how Hogan can be packaged anymore, then nobody can. Of course, Hogan might get cocky again and start exercising more control over how his career should be handled, then he'll start sucking again. But for now, I WANT to see how Hogan will deal with Billy (I can't believe I'm seeing this booking) Kidman. I WANT to see how he moves on. I find it fascinating. The sonofabizzcut, he did it again. He made himself interesting...AGAIN!!!

The problem is... this is WCW. Can they sustain this? In two months, will Nitro STILL seem so fresh and interesting? I doubt it. WCW ALWAYS ends up shooting itself in the foot. It's just their nature. This is the problem that McMahon NEVER had. Because no matter how hard WCW screams about how Russo created EVERYTHING in the WWF, he still had to answer to Vince at the end of the day. Vinnie Mac lords over the entire WWF with an iron fist. Paul Heyman does the same with ECW. In WCW, big egos rule the day. Hogan, Nash, Page, and Savage all told Eric what to do. If Sting didn't feel like working, he didn't work. If Goldberg wanted a vacation, he got one. Jeeze, egos ran Russo right out of the company for a while. Folks, you will see Porn Actresses FLOCK to Cumberland, Rhode Island looking to be the love slaves of a certain Internet God before you see ANYONE take the WWF reigns forcibly out of Vince McMahon's hands. Someone will get arrogant and refuse to put someone over. Then it'll all snowball.

The OTHER problem is, and I said this last week, the WWF won't be taken by surprise again. They'll fight ANY WCW momentum to make sure they aren't spanked again. All it takes is the sound of glass breaking, or the lights to go out and the bells start to chime. Two huge names are on there way back, and when they get back, the momentum will switch again. Plus, I might be way off here, but isn't Nash's contract up soon?

Oh yeah, how long before Russo sends a bunch of WCW folks over to Titan Towers for a "raid"? 

Then there's Mike Awesome. Eh, I talked about him in the recap already.

They're off to a good start, but if you look deeper into this. What have they done, really? All they did was wipe the current angles away and re-started. They did NOT drop jaws (Rob Van Dam? You bet. Mike Awesome? Oh come now, he wasn't exactly the main guy at ECW). All they really ended with is the return of the NWO, a large pack of workers against a smaller pack, with the odds and the "Powers That Be" totally against the smaller pack. The difference being that the biggest names in the old NWO are now the underdogs; and a bunch of people, many of whom nobody really cares about, are in the larger group. Of course, Eric is there too, right in the middle.

Last note... this is not fact, it's a theory. A theory that belongs right up there with Oswald, Area 51, and Tom Cruise's sexual preferences... consider:

FACT: Eric Bischoff is fired for spending too much and making too little.

FACT: Russo leaves the WWF, citing boredom and seeking new challenges

FACT: WCW hires him on the spot. They know full well what he does and how he does it.

FACT: Russo states that it will take something "Huge" to get WCW interesting again. He is "working towards" a big event.

FACT: Bischoff remains in Turner. Working on Ready to Rumble and staying quiet.

FACT: Russo goes to work for WCW. Ratings make a small surge, but not nearly enough.

FACT: After only a couple of months, Russo is SUPPOSINGLY told to get his butt in gear and get those ratings up.

FACT: The ratings didn't go up. People start whispering about "changes about to be made".

FACT: Changes are "made". Russo is out. Sullivan, who never so much as made a peep in the 5 years Nitro has been on the air, is in. EVERYONE screams screwjob. A siege on Russo's castle. A Coup d'état unlike anything we have witnessed before. Russo's planned "big event" never takes off.

FACT: Sullivan's regime manages to achieve nothing. Ratings bottom out. Goldberg plays possum until things get better. They lose 4 MAJOR names to the WWF. 

FACT: Ready to Rumble is in the can and ready to be released. Bischoff's name suddenly is mentioned more and more.

FACT: Bill Busch, who was never much into wrestling, is removed and relocated. Brad Seigal takes over.

FACT: WCW is at a standstill. It's ground zero. Nowhere to go but up. 

FACT: Bischoff is brought back. Russo is brought back too. They are now "working together".

FACT: Bischoff and Russo's "resurrection" comes at the time of Easter. 

CONCLUSION: IT'S ALL A WORK!!!! ALL OF IT!!! THIS WAS PLANNED BY RUSSO FROM THE MOMENT HE WAS HIRED!!! ALL OF IT!!! ALL THEY HAD TO DO WAS WAIT UNTIL THE MOVIE WAS SET SO BISCHOFF COULD BE FREED!!! THIS IS ALL PART OF IT!! THIS IS RUSSO'S BIG "EVENT"!

Think about it. It's plausible. It's possible. Don't you think all these pieces fell into place a WEE bit too easily? Nothing works out this well, nothing.

And if this IS all a planned out work. Then Russo is a GENIUS and McMahon should start sweating... freely. Because he can NOT compete with brains like that.

One last note to anyone from WCW watching this (and seeing how Russo LOVES the Net, and OBVIOUSLY read me when I was at Scoops... it's a safe bet), I am your "target audience". I am the Internet columnist who will side with RAW 6 days a week and twice on Sundays. I LOVE the WWF and will look for ANY excuse to trash WCW. Bischoff makes me sick, at times. Very few of your workers interest me, many of them I can't stand. I'm the guy you should aim to please. I don't work for Vince. I am not a shill, and more people pay attention to what I say than Bob Ryder. Those who like me, LOVE me, those who hate me, rarely miss a column. If I say "watch Nitro", chances are, they might, more than on anyone else's say so. If you don't believe me, ask Tony Schiavone. Hell, ask Al Isaacs.

What I'm saying is, I speak for the Internet. I'm the guy you need to impress. So far, you did just that.

Next week, impress me again. Let's see what you got.

That's it from me. Next week, I might have a few surprises for you. A few BIG surprises. 

In case you didn't notice, I didn't swear once in either column this week. Just to show that I can do it.

Bite me.

This is Hyatte